UPJOKE
truthrealitytrueinformationreasonrealparticularrealismobservationactuallyindeedmatter of factcertainlycasecertain

Little known fact, cowboys don’t roll joints...

They tumble weed...

I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.

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Astronomy Fact: You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus

64 if you relax.

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

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Women can hide the fact they are horny…

Us guys stick out

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Fun fact

If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you’d be a fucking weirdo

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Fun Fact:

When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same shape as your butthole.



Bonus Fact: the same is true for "Explosive Diarrhoea"

Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."

Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991

You were too lazy to read that number.

I really hate the fact that after the Queen’s death the Australian coins are being updated..

But then again, I don’t like change.

Interesting fact: T-Shirt is short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt…

Because of the short arms.

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Drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife..

A drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife. He's so drunk he instantly passes out. A while after passing out he is awoken by a bright light emanating from the end of the bed. He struggles to get himself into a sitting position and after doing so sees that there is a figure in or behind the light.
...

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

The fact that Head and Shoulders....

Hasn't made a bodywash called Knees and Toes, really bothers me.

My wife gets really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

Proof that blondes are not, in fact, dumb.

There was a huge convention where all the guests were blonde. It was decided to prove once and for all that blondes are not really dumb.

They got the smartest blonde in the room up on stage. The announcer asks "What is 100 divided by 10?" The blonde thinks for a moment and says, "Is it s...

Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director?

Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology...

It's called The Kodiak.

One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?"

Pun Fact

If you accidentally inhaled an edible… you would have high aspirations.

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."

10 minutes later he actually did!

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

Little known fact, before the crowbar was invented…

Most crows drank at home.

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

Fun fact

Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home

A man is talking to a woman and he asks for a fun fact about her. she tells him "I am missing all my toes". the man says, "I'm sorry but I can't date you". The woman asks why and the man responds:

I am lactose intolerant.

Little known fact #38: One of the first online "hook-up" apps started out using Sean Connery to do their voice overs. They soon noticed they were only getting hits from roofers.

Apparently they were interested in the dozens of hot shingles in their area.

Fact: No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice.

No they don't, oh no they don't...

Not all cheeses are made the same.

In fact, edam is made backwards!

Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.

Just as long as there are no attachments.

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Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

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A beautiful young woman was invited to a party

While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself....

I’m not racist, in fact, I love all races!

Even the bad ones.

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

When it comes to fact-checking, journalists are lazy.

Source: Wikipedia.

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 35 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

Fact: Xi Jinping once slept in a house in Iowa

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Where are facts from?

From the Factory

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The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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facts

did you know that having too much sex could cause memory loss ?

i remember reading that on the 23 of november 2001 at 9:1:02 am page 36 line 9/11

it wasn't a sunny day in fact it was very cloudy

very...cloudy....

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

It's a little known fact that the inuit people always know when someone is willing to kiss.

They have a good nose for it.

I love everything about my new home remodel, except the fact I didn't go with granite countertops.

It's my one laminate.

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

Four guys meet at their 25 year high school reunion…

They sit at a table and begin catching up. They hadn’t spoken to each other since graduation. One guy gets up and excuses himself to use the restroom.

In his absence, the other begin talking about how rich and successful they’ve become and as a result how rich and successful their sons are. ...

Charles Schulz died as one of the richest Americans of the 20th century

despite the fact he got his start making Peanuts.

FunFact

The flat earth society members are all around the globe!

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Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

We have a beautiful little girl

who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

A cannibal was in the examination room, waiting for the results of his x-ray.

When the images were ready, a doctor entered the room and flipped the switch on the light box. He took one look and said, "I think you swallowed a foreign object."

The cannibal did not like the sounds of that. In fact, he was insulted. He stood up and started walking toward the door. When he ...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

An important thing to remember about the Peloponnesian Wars.

Neither side was "good" or "bad"

In fact there were gyros on both sides!

A little known fact about Jim Jones is that he was an aspiring boxer

He quit the sport after taking out 900 people with one punch

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

I don't know why people hate Communism; In fact, I wrote a nice poem about it!

*H*appiness all around
*E*veryone is free
*L*ove fills the air
*P*eople are unbound

*M*aybe you should consider
*E*quality for All

If you want to know more, just send a letter to me. If I don't reply soon, I might be away *intermittent*ly on a nice *camp*ing trip ...

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The facts of life

A papa dog decided to day was the day to teach his son the facts of life. They started their day going for a walk and as they do papa dog comes across some trash cans so he turns to his son and tells him to pay attention as he knocks one down and starts eating from it. The papa dog tells his son "yo...

An unappreciated fact about the road to Hell

It's paved.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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A man was very proud of the fact that he was born with three testicles

One day, he’s walking down the street and he walks by another man. Smugly, he tells him, “did you know that between the two of us, there are a total of five balls?”

The other man gives him a confused look and says, “so you mean you only have one?”

23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.

The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know *FOR A FACT* that my grandparents came to the USA from **Argentina!**

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My wife has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.

But I caught her red handed!

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

Fun fact:

When people read "Fun fact" they must click the post

Fun fact about the word "queue"

**Queue** is pronounced from only the letter "q" as the rest four are waiting for their turn!

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

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Pervert Bear and Genious rabbit

A bear hunts a rabbit in the forest. After several hours of running, they arrive in a clearing with a large rock in the center, and on top of this rock stands a golden frog. Surprised, they approach and the frog starts talking to them:
" For having found me, I grant you 3 wishes each."
The b...

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”

With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.

“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."

As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?

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A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she’s not a virgin,

but she’s told her future husband she is. She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, “Here’s what you do — buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will be nice and tight and your husband will never know.”

So, the bri...

Achtung Mankind

The fact that artificial intelligence has learned to draw is nothing. Think about what will happen when he is not accepted into the Vienna Academy of Arts.

Told a joke that was so good at work the other day.

So good in fact, that HR wanted to hear it.

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

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FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

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Well known fact.

95% of reddit users are sad lonely wankers....

The other 5% are liars.......

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[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

I just got a joke book whose entire gimmick is the fact that you can rip the pages out and hand it to people.

Its a book of tear-able puns.

Ten Surprising facts doctors don't want you to know about subway tracks!

the 3rd one will shock you!

Funny fact

So there is people that have a fear of long words and it's called
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
And it is also one of the longest words in the dictionary.
Makes me chuckle

Gynecologist appointment

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist, but oversleeps and wakes up 30 minutes before her morning appointment.

She has to drop her daughter at school first, so she runs to the bathroom and quickly wipes her neither regions with a flannel lying on the side of the bath and runs out th...

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My wife keeps complaining how unfair it is that I played no part in the birth of our daughter...

when I feel like I in fact played the *semenal* role

The fact that germs enter my body without my consent is wrong.

And to be honest it makes me sick.

A farmer stopped

by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of...

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