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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

I only date women who have been vaccinated

Not because I'm afraid of getting sick, I just know the ones who are vaccinated don't mind a little prick.

Why do orphans have only 363 days?

They don't have a mother's day and father's day

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt

is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y

This is the only dirty joke my mother ever told me (translated from arabic, hope it makes sense)

A husband that didn't like his wife's cooking put a note on the fridge after he had enough "god loves people that do something they like in a good way".

She then preceeds to take the note and put it above their bed.

Why do Marxists only drink decaf tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice.

And that’s Chris Brown

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

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I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.

Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.

Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"

Half the world is burning right now.


*I hope you feel good about yourself.*

The Nagging wife.Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed t...

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A man buys a talking parrot, and he’s shocked to learn that the only thing the parrot does is curse.

All day, every day, it’s just a torrent of profanity.

He tries everything he can think of to make the parrot stop cursing.

He tries speaking in only kind, polite words and the parrot replies with, “Shit. Asshole. Fucker.”

He tries yelling at it. The parrot just says, “Motherfu...

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

I’m so smart it only took me 6 months to assemble a Jigsaw puzzle

The box says “2-4 years”

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

If you date a woman only for her massage skills...

Would it be considered massagenistic?

What starts with E, ends with E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

Did you guys hear about the horse that only ate hay from a church?

Apparently it could only be a Christian Bale.

Why did the Irish woman only put 239 beans in her stew?

Because just one more would be too farty.

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I asked my girlfriend, I am the only one you have sex with?

She responded, “No, the rest are 9’s and 10’s”

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

Why are there only two pallbearers at a politician's funeral?

There are only 2 handles on a trash can

It is only good to kick a pregnant woman if you are ...

on the inside.

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

There are only 10 types of people in the world



Those that understand binary and those that don't

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Pythagoras only took short cuts

He got into many arguments explaining that this route was apart of a perfect tangent.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual what do you call some who speaks only one language?

American

What do you call a veterinarian that can cure only one species?

A doctor.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out….

there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

I FINALLY opened my shoe store that only sells large sizes.

Let me tell you, that was no small feet.

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

My local independent clothing store only sells narrow fitting shoes,

I think that may be they are Fat Toes intolerant.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

My parents raised me as an only child,

Which really annoyed my younger brother!

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

Plot twist, Kylo Ren is not an only child

He's a Solo child

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . .

encourage you to pick your nose.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

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A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word Fascinate.

Little Johnny: "My sister's boobs are so big, that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight. "

If there is Adam and Eve, or Adam and Steve. It only seems fair the Eve gets a turn with both...

...That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Why do teenage girls only hang out in groups of odd numbers?

Because they can’t even.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

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It’s Mikes first day of prison.

He walks into his cell, and his cellmate is sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

“Listen, first thing you need to know is that this is going to happen. Your only choice is whether is happens with spit or without spit,” says the shirtless celly.

“Well, I don’t want this to happen ...

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Why does Batman only wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

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Did you guys know tomorrow they’ll only be 7 planets left?

Because tonight I’m destroying Uranus!

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

My wife told me, there's no such things as problems only opportunities.

That's great I thought, Well! I have a serious drinking opportunity.

I have a question for only fans users

Why don’t you get air conditioning instead

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

What type of tea is the only type Brits don’t enjoy?

Penaltea.

The delivery man only brought part of my bear costume.

I wanted to choke him with my bear hands.

What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute?

Your thirty-second birthday.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

It's a very busy day in heaven, so God tells the angel at the gate to only allow people in who've had a terrible last day on earth.

The angel calls the first guy up, and asks him how his last day on earth was. "Horrible! My last day on earth was the worst in my life! I came home from work early, because I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me, and when I went into my house I saw her naked in bed! I checked all the cupbo...

I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters.

Turns out they sold me a snow globe.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant

The bill

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

Have you heard about the female rapper who only battled during her menstrual cicle?

Thay say she has a mean flow

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink on two days out of the year.

My birthday and not my birthday

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?

Circumcision.

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There's only one way to end a circle jerk

And that's to let it come full circle

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

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I went to the doctors and said I can only get sexualy stimulated by chickpeas and garlic

He said "don't worry, you're just humous-sexual"

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

The only people who don't have to get the vaccine are cops. . .

Because they have qualified immunity.

I should open a bar that serves only shots and sipping whiskies, and is called...

Drinking, Fast and Slow

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A plane crashed into an island and three friends were the only survivors

A blonde, redhead and brunette were left stranded on the island. Figured they would need help to get off the island, they split up to look any inhabitants that might help them.

The redhead stumbled on a magical lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie. "I will grant you one wish," said the genie....

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

What’s a noodle that only costs one cent?

Penne

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"

Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

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My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-va...

I'm a photographer who only takes pics of girls at Mardi Gras...

I guess you can say I'm into Flash photography

Why does the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is en-Oeuf

I only go after women who are locked-up in Mental Institutions.

I’m looking for a “committed” relationship.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

I finally made a social media account, but my only followers were my parents.

Maybe I should try branching out from OnlyFans.

She was only the toolmaker’s daughter.

But she sure gave the boys her awl.

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

As a farmer, I’m not only good at my job

I’m out standing in my field.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...

It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Only people who hate the president are allowed here.

Everyone else is forbiden

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

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I get only one blow job per year

I get only one blow job per year, when I blow the candles on my birthday cake.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

As a Final Fantasy fan, I always wondered why Big Bang Theory only ever referenced the Third Level Spell.

They never even mention Bazin and Bazinra.

So the FBI only interviewed ten people in the Brett Cavanaugh investigation, despite getting thousands of leads.

I guess their tip line was actually a “just the tip” line.

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

When using the Queens toilet at Buckingham Palace, it's only ever proper manners.....

To do a curtsy flush

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