UPJOKE
infromatforalongintothetoduringwithwhichsincebythata

Only Jokes

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible

I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

What's the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."

the vowels."

Friend: "Why?"

Me: "Sometimes."

A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it

Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with?

Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?

Teapot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

There are only 10 types of people

- Those that understand binary
- Those that don't understand binary

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

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There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

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The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work at?

IHOP!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice.

And that’s Chris Brown

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt

is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup?

One more would have made it two farty.

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?

2Na

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid tells his teacher "You only teach useless crap!"

She replies "Don't be so hard on yourself."

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition.

Win or loose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' ...

An Irishman's philosophy...there are only two things to worry about..

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you're sick, there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there ...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

What kind of monkey only stands 7 inches tall?

Macaque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.

Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane

The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smar...

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only good joke I know, and it's about blind people

Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. "shit yeah, let's get wasted!" he says. The other guy isn't sure. "I dunno, man. I don't want to leave my dog outside around these parts." "Dude, relax. Just follow my lead."

The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then...

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man do after consuming only half a pill of Viagra?

Nothing... just fucking around a bit.

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

Rabbit in the fridge (only for old-timers)

A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.

He yelled "Hey! What are you doing in there?!"
The rabbit asked back "Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?"
"I guess... What difference does that make?"
"I...

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

Why did grandpas birthday only last a minute?

It was his sixty-second birthday

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

Wife: You only listen to half of what I say.

Husband: I have tinnitus. Half of what I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The other half is tinnitus



note: she begrudgingly laughed at this one and we are still together.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

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