UPJOKE
infromatforalongintothetoduringwithwhichsincebythata

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman.

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

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Men only have 2 moods

Holy shit I need to fuck, and holy fuck I need to shit.

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback

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Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

Because she used the other one to moan

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She said, "Where are you going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?"

If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months...

Cause it would end after 2 seasons.

Did you know that Germany is only second best at recycling

The first place is taken by r/jokes

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

Two men enter a bar in the Russia. One says, "Why does Putin only write in lowercase?" The other one says,

"Because he is afraid of capitalism."

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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I asked my girlfriend, the sexiest girl in the world and the only woman I know who takes it up the ass, to marry me

All three said no.

She was only the Admiral's daughter....

But her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.

If Johnny Depp learned only one thing…

It’s that when you ask for fresh sheets on your bed, make sure you speak loud and clear

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head monk calls him i...

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work at?

IHOP!

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

When is the only time P comes after Q?

When there's a line for the bathroom because you have to queue before you pee.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

People who have Only Fans,

What is stopping you from upgrading to an Air Conditioner?

She was only the toolmaker’s daughter

But she sure gave the boys her awl.

whats something only a musician can do?

Finger A minor

I asked my wife if i was the only one she’d ever been with.

She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

The only way Amber Heard would get what she deserves...

is if she started telling jokes about Will Smith's wife.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

My girlfriend thinks I stole her phone charger. She can only find the cord.

I told her I won’t stand for these baseless accusations.

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

heard peter parker’s calendar only has 11 months

maybe it’s because he lost may

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

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Three women have just entered heaven

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with on...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

I'm having memory problems, I can only remember things from about two years ago.

Hindsight is 2020.

Little known fact #38: One of the first online "hook-up" apps started out using Sean Connery to do their voice overs. They soon noticed they were only getting hits from roofers.

Apparently they were interested in the dozens of hot shingles in their area.

Why is a kitty who eats only lunch meats the most fragile?

Because it’s deli-cat

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

I only drink in two occasions: When it's my birthday...

and when it's not.

It's only Tabasco if it comes from that region of Mexico

Otherwise it's sparkling tomato juice.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I dont know whY.

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What’s old, annoying and only fucks you twice a year?

Daylight savings time

What do you call a battle where the only weapons are truck horns?

A fight to the deaf!!

Today is my birthday but it’s a shame that I only get half a minute to celebrate…

Because it’s my 32nd birthday

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Girls literally only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

In France they only make omelets with one egg

That's because one egg is an oeuf.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

The only person to accept you just as you are.

Your arresting officer

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.

The only funny communist jokes are...

... the ones that everyone gets.

My friend: Why do you only use one of the trigonometric functions?

Me: Just ‘cos

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use once a year.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

Why is the Z the only politically-correct letter?

Because all the other letters are not-Z's.

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

My wife asked why I had the only fans app on my phone.

I responded to fund her sisters college tuition.

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

A Nun Walks Into a Local Hooters

THIS NUN ASKED FOR THE RESTROOM AT A BAR. BUT SHE WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the...

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

My father only hit me once as a child.

But he used a Ford Transit.

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars

Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses

Oh how the stables have turned

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

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My girlfriend and I only ever have sex in the doggy style position

She said I misunderstood her when she told me she "likes it ruff"

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...

***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.

Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody ca...

My friend thinks he's intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

What is the only similarity between serial killers and gamer

**They collect skins**

I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years

What’s the only meat a priest can eat on fridays?

Nun

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When I turned 18, my Mom told me that she and my father were in a porn together in the late 70's. To this day, it's the only porn I've ever watched all the way to the end.

It was the only way to figure which guy my Dad was.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

There are only 2 secrets to success in this life

1: never reveal everything you know

Today this guy I know only ate an expired dessert for lunch

It was a little off pudding

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it

God it was a shihtzu

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

There's only one word in the English language that begins with U and ends in E.

Unbelievable, right?!

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

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"How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

So a French lady walks into a bar.

She takes off her jacket and sits down at the bar and she’s got the bushiest nest of armpit hair you’ve ever seen. She tries to wave down the bartender.

A drunk at the other end of the bar says, “Bartender! Get the ballerina a drink!” and the bartender looks over at her and asks the drunk, “H...

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem,

He asked for two shots of…

He was cut off by the bartender saying: you only get one shot.

Aliens don't want to meet us.

They've looked at the reviews…



only 1 star!

What is the only dinosaur that a 45 year old man knows?

The my-body-saur

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible

I'm an eighth theist

My friend only has a left foot...

Every time he buys shoes he saves the right one, dreaming of a day when he meets a women with only a right foot.

I keep telling him that even if this dream woman exists, they'll probably never meet because they run in opposite circles.

I’ve heard the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Which is a shame, because I was hoping to use it as a book title.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

Bobs wedding

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After ...

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A store announces that from 8:00 to 9:30 am they'll only be attending senior customers and offering discounts

By 7:30 there was already a big line of grandpas and grandmas waiting outside. Suddenly a nice car pulls up, a young man gets out and proceeds to cut in front of everyone. He gets immediately smacked in the head with a cane by an old lady. He brushes it off and keeps going. This time a lot of canes ...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

"Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

After a rough weekend, I realize I'm not as young or fit as I used to be, and I can only change one of those.

So tomorrow I begin searching for the Fountain of Youth.

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers only get paid if they make a sale.

It's a commissionary position.

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My penis may only be two inches….

But it smells like a foot!

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

People act like PETA is the only charity that has an 85% death rate.

But what about Make-A-Wish?

I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

What do you call a masseur who only serves men?

A massagynist.

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

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