I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age.

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My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making jokes about oral sex.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly re...

If I had a dog I would name it stain

So whenever I would call for it, I would yell “come stain!”

Why would Prometheus make a good postman?

... It involves a lot of *de-livering!*

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

My girlfriend asked me if I'd like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend promised me we would have anal sex if we got married. We got married, and I have learned 3 things...

1. Listen more carefully
2. The meaning of the word 'annual'
3. Don't get married

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would rather cuddle then have sex...

...You'll get it if you are good with grammar

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal.

When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

- Would you accept $50,000 in exchange for the person you hate the most getting $100,000?

\- Sure! Why would I refuse $150,000?

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

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My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would it be

Easy.

Harvey Weinstein. Dead.

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

What would you call a doctor on call?

Q: What do you call a doctor on call?
A: An oncologist

Sorry if this joke gave you cancer xD

Working in a mirror factory would be pretty cool.

I could totally see myself doing it.

If i were a gangster my name would be mitochondria

because when i would get arrested i would be the powerhouse of the cell

The other day I bought 2 large bottles of whisky, but I was worried I would drop them on my way home.

To solve this problem I drank them before beginning the long walk home. I'm really glad I did, because I fell over six times!

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

I would tell you guys a joke about Jonestown...

But the punchline falls dead.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

How would Metallica be called if they sold beds?

Nothing else matress

If a young dog could drink soda, what would they drink?

Pupsi

What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.

Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.

I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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What would be viagra's name if it was a video game

**MEGA MAN X**

If pirates we still a thing they would love reddit.

They could exchange stolen content for gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

If Thanos used social media, what platform would he use?

Snapchat

What do you think Abraham Lincoln would say if he was alive today?

“Help! Let me out of this box! I can’t breathe in here!”

Should I ever encounter a black widow with the opportunity to seduce and betray her, my final words to her would be

“For all the men that came before me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help me....

She said "Whose dick are you going to suck at this time of night?"

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

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I suggested to my wife that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

If I was a rapper,I would name myself Snickers

Because M&M is already taken.

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

Apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

A pirate's prosthetic breast would be nice...

...Wooden tit

So a guy gave his friend 10 puns hoping that one would make him laugh

Sadly no pun in ten did

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t see myself being blind.

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If Hitler wrote a computer manual what would he name it?

Mien Kampfputer

(OC)

How would you call Michael Jackson’s denim store?

Billie Jeans

Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

I would tell you a joke about Nebraska

But it's too corny.

If you like dry humor though, I have a good one about Arizona!

The best prison nickname would be mitochondria...

That way everyone would know you're the powerhouse of the cell.

What would you call your Tesla car if it got stolen?

"Edison"

If the square root of - 1 = i What would the square root of negative Uno be?

i i i (ay ay ay!)

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

But Officer, I would never drink alcohol while driving!

I only drink when I'm stopped at a red light.

If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

It would be so easy to rob a deaf person.

Just break all of their fingers and they can’t tell anyone

What would a 19th century Russian sci-fi be called?

Tsar Wars.

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

A very old couple are lying naked in bed, and the wife asks, "What would you do if I started smoking?"

He replies, "Slow down and use some lube."

What would Jesus say if he was a drug addict?

"I need my crucifix"

Matryoshkas would be really nice

if only they weren't so full of themselves.

You know what would go great with Coronavirus?

Lyme's Disease.

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

You would think that cannibals eat mansplainers rare.

They eat them well, actually.

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

If Adam Sandler was an informant for the CIA, what would you call his case officer?

Adam's handler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

I thought having an skylight would be a good idea

My upstairs neighbors disagree.

If someone offered you $100 cause you're ugly, would you take it?

Hell yes, I'm ugly, not stupid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

If I said I love you would you say it back?

Her: Yes.

Me: I love you.

Her: It back.

What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

My ex told me I would die alone with my cats.

Jokes on her. Cats already dead

What would you call the Qur’an if it were a novel?

The Qur’anicles of Mohammad

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

When I was seven my dad told me he would give me the life He never had

Nice to know he was happy

I would love to work as a railroad engineer

But unfortunately I don't have the proper training.

During his questioning, Jeffrey Epstein revealed that he would never abduct a child named Scott.

All of his clients got off Scott free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks a woman "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes."

"Well would you do it for five dollars?"

"NO! What do you think I am?"

"We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."

I asked my teacher if I would get scolded for something I didnt do

She said no

so I told her I didn't do my homework

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If we had to describe groups of people with only one condiment, Redditors would be...

Olive oil: Fat and extra virgin

I used to have a girlfriend that would give me math problems for fun.

I was solving for ex.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

My girlfriend said that if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it,

So I bought her a Candle

Wow dear, I never thought our son would go so far

I know, that catapult is really something. I’ll go get our daughter

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn’t work

Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped worrying about good posture...

It's just a hunch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Bernie Madoff would have sex with his wife every time he bought a stock?

He was inside-her trading.

If Jesus made cheese what would he be called?

Cheesus

As told to me by a very proud junior hamster who probably won't understand the hit my karma will take for sharing their joke.

If vegetables could drive how would they fix their cars

Asparagus

I can't believe someone would call me a backstabbing scoundrel.

I am not a backstabber.

If reddit had a favorite band, who would it be?

Radiohead, because they are the Karma police.

What would an Absurdist do to blend themselves?

Use a Camus-flage.






(I’m sorry I had to)

"Son," I said, "would you fetch me an energy drink from the shops, please?"

"Monster?" he asked.



I said, "No, your mother doesn't want one."

There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.

Ok, So there were two birds...

As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, " On what day will I die?" She assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?", demanded Hitler.

"Any day", she replied, " on which you die will be a jewish holiday."

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

It would be ironic if a movie about The Flat Earth Society...

Wins the Golden Globe award.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People told me that a vasectomy would totally change sex for me.

But it didn't have a vas deferens

If i died i would let people joke over it.

However im not famous so it would be a dead joke.

If today was purge day, I would be imortal

People wouldn't try to kill things they don't even know that exists.

What would you call it when two trees get married?

Holy Matreemony or Woodlock?

Oh, how I hated it, when I was younger & my aunties would poke me at weddings and go *"How about you be the next?"*

They only stopped, when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

I would tell a knock knock joke...

But you probably wouldn't know who I'm talking about

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

My new girlfriend wants to fight my ex but I told her that would be a bad idea.

Because my Xbox

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

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