Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."

"Would you sleep with me for $5?"

"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"

"I thought we alread...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

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What kind of animal would Hitler be?

Adolfin

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

People always told me I would suck at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who sucks now!

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

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My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."

"great" he said,

"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

I went in the chippy and said to the fella behind the counter ‘can I have a piece of cod?’ He said ‘yeah would you like it battered?’

I said ‘no thanks, just give it a quick slap I’m in a hurry’

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

If I was god I would be an atheist

Because I do not believe in myself

Everyone laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she would be a comedian

Nobody is laughing now

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

My doctor asked me how I would feel having an extra chromosome

I told him I'd be 100% down with that

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

I would say your aim is cancer

But cancer actually kills people.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

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If a raging boner was a girl, what it would be called

Stiffany

Honey! Im pregnant! what would you like it to be?.

A joke.

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

What would life be like without women..

A pain in the ass.

I would tell you a Chemistry joke...

But all the goods ones argon

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

One night, after a romantic meal, I was walking home with my girlfriend, and I decided it would be the right time to propose to her.

So I turned to her, looked her in the eye and got down on one knee. But, as I was grabbing the ring, the old local drunk named Joseph came by. He'd injured his eye and was wearing a cotton patch to cover it. No one knew where he'd once lived and he never told. But, he stumbled over, grabbed my girlf...

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her,

"Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I d...

I read somewhere that in every group of 10 friends, one of them would become a murderer at some point.

I pushed my buddy Dave off a cliff, as I had a feeling it would've been him.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and asks if he would come over and get her started on a jigsaw puzzle...

"What's it supposed to look like when it's done,"he asks

She replies,"according to the picture on the box,it's a rooster.

So the bf decides to go over and help.

He gets there and she takes him over to the table where all the pieces are spread out.

He looks at the pieces,t...

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A masturbation contest would be an anomaly because...

You have to come last in order to win.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son’s circumcision.

It was a ripoff.

I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary

He’d make a better thriller

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

Do you think Joe would mind?

Would'Joe mind going out with me?

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Wanna know what would be a great game for people with dementia?

Memory.

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

I entered ten puns in a local joke contest in the hopes that one would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

I thought I would hate starring in a bukkake film,

but those guys really rubbed off on me.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

If Cardi B owned an automobile store what would it be called.

A Cardi-lership

They told me I would never be good at poetry because I am dyslexic, but I proved them all wrong:

So far I have made three jugs and a vase.

I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’

‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

What would Sokka call The Last Airbender if he was born in the 50s?

Boomer Aang

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Anal bleaching would be a lot more popular

If they just called it changing your ringtone

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"

He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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What would you call a medieval gynecologist?

A vagician

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan?

Minefeld.

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There was this woman that would go jogging every day.

She’d jog the same exact distance, the same exact route, at the same time each and every day. One day she notices on the pavement below her, as she jogs by, it is written in chalk “WILL”. She doesn’t think anything of it, and continues. The next day, when she’s jogging, at the same exact spot on the...

Whenever I was a kid, my mom would make me eat my food by saying “here comes the choo-choo train!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

What would a goalie's husband say?

She's a keeper.

I would tell you a joke about my washing up liquid...

But it’s not Fairy Original

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

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A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly

This shows how toxic the media is

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

I would procrastinate...

But I’ll do it later

When Microsoft was casting for names to its search engine, it wanted something short that can't be misspelled. Chief marketing strategist first thought "Bang" would be the answer.

It almost fit all the criteria, except when used as a verb.

Most people don't want to say "I Banged Obama's dog" or "I Banged Donald Trump last night".

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Teacher: If you had $1 and you asked you father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Trevor: One.

Teacher: You dont know your math.

Trevor: You don't know my father.

I decided to let my game download overnight, as it would take many hours.

When I woke up, there was a pop up asking me to confirm the download

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My father always told me to treat the Janitor with the same respect that I would give to the CEO

So I told Mr. Bezos to clean the dog shit out of my carpet.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

What would you call Breaking Bad if it were good?

Breaking Bad.

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How would you describe Bill Gate’s penis?

Microsoft

What song would like to listen to?

- Mozart in A Minor

- you're gonna have to be more specific

- Mozart in *D* minor

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My boss told be there would be a training seminar about sexual innuendo in the workplace and asked me to invite my secretary.

I left her a post it note saying if she couldn’t come I’d happily fill her slot for her.

If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie?

Only if he's standing up!

A lion would never cheat on a lioness

But a Tiger Woods

What would you call Dwayne Johnson if he was from Malta?

Lava, because he would be the Maltan Rock

What would you call a domestic worker in China?

Maid in China.

What would you call it if SpongeBob ran for governer?

A goobernatorial election.

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

I mean, what would you even call someone from a place called Amir?

Amirite?

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

What did the CIA say to the clock that would only say, "Tick, tick, tick?"

Stop stalling. We have ways to make you tock!

Wife: What would you like for dinner tonight?

Husband: I was thinking, make it special. Cook something that reminds you of us in bed.

Wife: Vienna sausages with minute rice, coming right up.

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Why Would She Destroy 100 years of Memories?

This morning my wife was destroying her inherited, four-generations old, heirloom dining collection. When asked why, she replied, "Fuck China!"

I would tell you guys a time travel joke

But you didn't like it.

Wife: "If you won $1M from the lottery but I got kidnapped for a ransom of $1M, what would you do?"

Husband: "Good question, but I doubt I could strike the lottery twice in a day!"

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

You know I would tell y’all a communism joke,

But it wouldn’t be funny unless everyone got it.

If an anti-vax kid had a theme song, What would it be?

Down with the Sickness

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I would ever cheat on her with another woman, I told her no...

By the way I am gay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a prediction my wife would not want to have sex tonight. When I got home . . .

She made a pre-dick-shun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would make a dick joke...

...but I don't have one.



(For clarification, I am a female.)

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What position would Hitler play in Hockey?

Reich Wing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese?

Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A royal king had a low IQ and a very large member. When he had sexual relations, all of his subjects would try and peek through his windows of his palace . . .

They wanted to see king dumb come.

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

What is the only time where complimenting a girls makeup skills would get you slapped

the first time you see her without it

What would you call Popeye The sailor man if he was a camera man?

Popeye DSLR Man

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