UPJOKE
leavegivetestamentbequeathhopeneedmustwishdevisedecidepass onwouldwantshallshould

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

Idk if this joke works. I’m workshopping it

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

“Art of choke me”

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

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What would happen if all Women disappeared from the world?

That would eventually be a Pain in the Ass.

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

Henry Winkler sits down on an airplane. The flight attendant comes over and ask him if he would like free head phones.

He responds “Sounds great. But it’s pronounced Fonz.”

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What would you call it if Mel Gibson apologizes to the Jewish people?

Melatonin

If Jesus Christ came in the modern day, what would his favorite gun be?

Nail gun

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

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If Dick’s Sporting Goods and Kay Jewelers were merge, what would their slogan be?

Every Kiss begins with Dick’s?

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?

A Non-Prophet organization.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

What would happen if a piano fell on top of you?

You'd b-flat.

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NSFW: I asked a group of prostitutes if they would donate their services to my charity.

None of them gave a fuck.

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?

A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Hee hee!

If we rated Subreddits on eco friendliness, r/jokes would be the cleanest

Because around 99% of the content is recycled

Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.

My response was, "No Matter".

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Three guys walk into a bar.

A Scotsman an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar.


There would usually be an Englishman in this story, but he's still in The World Cup.

Wife (to husband): How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Funny, Graceful, Helpful, Intelligent.

Wife: What about JK?

Husband: Just Kidding.

man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery.

“I’d take half and leave you.”

“Great,” he said, “I won $12, here’s $6. Stay in touch!”

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said: “Maybe, but I wouldn't count
on it.”

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms suddenly

There would be mass confusion.

Would you like some almonds?

'Sure!' says John.

I give him some and he eats them.

'They're pretty good, thanks!' says John.

'Would you like more?' I ask.

'What about you?' replies John.

'Nah, I'm good. I just enjoy sucking the chocolate off them'

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Eminem would be a shitty bartender.

You’d only get one shot.

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would the inscriptions on their bath towels say?

Hisss and Hearse

If hobbits were a plant how would they make food?

They would frodosynthesize.

He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.

Well?

He has no life-insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother.



Source: 1913 Newspaper

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in

Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma

Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

A joke for my cake day: My wife beamed at me with tear in her eye & said, "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"

I said “I honestly didn’t neither. This trebuchet is amazing!”

How would you call Lamb kebab in Italian?

Lamborghini

A girl asked her boyfriend "Babe, would you leave me if I was unattractive?"

The boyfriend replies "I'm still here, aren't I?"

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

What would two termites order at a restaurant?

Table for 2

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be?

Racks on, racks off.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

I submitted almost a dozen jokes to my local paper, hoping one of them would win a spot on the front page, but...

No pun in ten did

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman

with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 d...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What would you call it when a bald man finally removes his ponytail?

A hipsterectomy.

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

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Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: *tearing up* No it’s the same price

How would you describe this day?

10/10

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

The executioner asked the king if he would find fulfilment in his work.

The king said he could see it in the offing.

Honest Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit...

After retiring, Mr. Johnson moved into a condo near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.

Almost every morning, Mr. Johnson saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning.

After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Mr. Johnson noticed something. Some m...

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A tractor.

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Fast learning

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

\- "Son, how old are you?"

\- "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued,

\- "Do you know what t...

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

Woman are so confusing nowadays. I thought opening the door would be the nice thing to do for a lady,

but she just screamed and flew out the plane.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

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I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do.

I got her a magazine rack.

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

A nun gets into a cab

She notices the cab driver staring at her and she asks, "Why are you staring?"

The cab driver replies, "I have a question, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun responds, "My son, you cannot offend me. I've been a nun for so long that I've seen and heard everything. I'm sure there's...

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

If a drug lord created a chocolate brand, what would it be called

EscoBARS

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

What would Batman's tomb stone read?

Good Knight

A horse walks into a bar...

and orders a beer.

As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.

See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes'...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no, I can't deal with high maintenance women.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

Footballer to referee: Would you send me off if I said you were a useless cheat?

Referee: Yes.

Footballer: But you couldn't send me off for thinking it?

Referee: No.

Footballer: Right then, I think you're a useless cheat.

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A guy goes to Africa to teach a Native tribe how to speak English

The guy said to the chief "lion" and the chief would say Lion. The guy said "Tiger" and the chief said tiger. After a couple weeks the chief was understanding English fairly well.

The man and the chief are having a stroll down a pathway when they see a man a woman having sex in the bushes. ...

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Ai...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

What's a pirate's favorite periodic element?

Gold. What would a pirate want to do with Argon?

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.

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Did you know the prefix Fitz in a name meant "son of"?

So when Patrick had a son, the last name would be Fitzpatrick, and Gerald's son was Fitzgerald, etc.

They had to stop though when Dickinson had a son.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

God said a good woman would be found in one of the four corners of the Earth

Then God made the world round.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What would you call a hair product that was marketing batman?

Conditioner Gordon.

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop with the Wham references
I said well, wake me up before you go go

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?

Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a brothel

John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?

Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket

John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try

15 mi...

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

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