If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

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I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

I would make a joke about how yo mama so fat...

But we shouldn't talk about the elephant in the room.

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't support Trump

I said "Biden"

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed out...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

My doctor told me that getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Actually, it just changes the color of the baby.

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory.

It was rough.

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Today my son would have turned four...

But i pulled out!

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

My girlfriend said she would leave me because I argue with her about spices

She hasn't left yet, still I think the thyme is cumin

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

If Darth Vader lived in America, where would he live?

The Empire State Building

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

I would make a joke about Apple...

but the punchline is sold separately

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

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What would be the world without women?

Just pain in the butt.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

I never thought my love life would make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face....

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

My friend asked if I would ever date the queen of rock, Tina

I was like hell yeah! I’d never Turner down!

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

My mom said my Pawpaw would say this joke all the time in the car. They'd be driving along and a bug would splat against the windshield and he'd say...

"I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

They told me I would never make it as a comedian

Well, no one's laughing now

If a Cheetah made a rap group, what would it be called?

...Rapid.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

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Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

I would have told an infinite loop joke

But you’d never hear the end of it

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

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My boyfriend said that sex would be different after his vasectomy.

But I didn't really notice any deferens.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Greta Thunberg would be proud of this sub

The content is very repeatedly recycled.

Dad: If 2020 and 2021 were involved in a duel who would win?

Me: I'd have to say 2020 won.

I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen...

... and then it hit me.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen

More at 11

What name would you call someone with poor local area network?

What name would you call someone with poor local area network?

Nolan

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

A hostess asks his guest: "How many cookies would you like?"

"Just one will be enough, thank you."
"Oh, come on, you don't have to be polite."
"All right, then give me a cookie you fat cow!"

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

Why was Melania so confident that Donald would win?

Because he always comes first.

Would you like some Thanksgiving leftovers?

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

I would make a joke about kobes death...

but I dont think it would land well

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

Q: Where would you find a dog without legs?

A: Right where you left him.

What would Jeff Bezos’ currency be called?

Slavery.

Trump claims if he could walk on water, the fake news media would report:

"Trump can't swim"

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house.

I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

You know, I would've gone to the gym today.

It just didn't work out though.

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

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I was out for a walk the other night and I was approached by a very scantily clad young lady who asked me if I would like some super sex.

"If it's all the same to you", I replied, "I'll just have the soup".

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Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex

Because it might disturb the people at the other tables

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I would tell you a dirty joke about 36 holes of golf...

...but it’s two course.

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

What would have Bigfoot been called by Native Americans if he had a big nose instead of big feet?

Schnozzsquatch

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

none

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At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

What would you write for a dead astronaut?

An Orbituary.

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

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what would you call it when holmes and watson have sex?

they would be in a holmosexual relationship

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Boobs without nipples would be...

Pointless

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

If I won 1 million dollars, I would give a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I'm going to do with the other $999,999.75

My wife hates how I love making puns with Bruce Willis movie titles, and wishes I would stop. But you know what they say....

Old habits Pulp Fiction.

"What would a peaceful death be like?" asks the professor

"The same way my grandfather died" The student replies

"And how died your grandfather?"

"He fell asleep"

"Nice answer. And what would be a terrible death?"

"The way that my grandfather's friends died"

"And how died your grandfather friends?

"They were in th...

There was a crow outside my window this morning that would not shut up.

Turns out he way had too much CAAW-fee.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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You would not believe the shit I had to deal with today...

But at least my stomach's feeling better.

What measuring system would darth Vader use?

The imperial system.

I would complain about Green Day...

But you don't have the time to listen to me whine

I told my dad I would call him later

He told me not to call him later.
He said “call me dad”.

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What would you do if bear tries to chase you?

one friend asks another.

\- "I would climb a tree."

\- "But bears can climb trees and he goes after you."

\- "Then I would jump into the creek."

\- "But creek is shallow and bear can easily get you in the water."

\- "Then I would run into the cave."

\- "But ...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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If Charles Dickens wrote The Lord of the Rings, how would the novel have started?

It was the best of Shires. It was the Worcestershires.

People thought Trump getting infected would change his views on Covid...

...I guess he is asympathetic.

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

My kid asked what we would get if we crossed a rhinoceros and an elephant.

I said, elifino.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks, after six weeks he would pay me $500

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

I would tell you a joke about Alice in Wonderland...

...but let’s not go down that rabbit hole.

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

You would think that given their discerning tastes and knowledge about what is best that a mansplainer would only drink top shelf liquor.

But they drink well actually.

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

If a rooster layed an egg on top of a barn which way would the egg roll?

No where, roosters don't lay eggs

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." said ...

My girlfriend told me she would lick my bumhole on the flight if I stop talking about my favourite Bethesda game.

I can't wait for my Skyrim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wanted to make a joke that would make everyone laugh their asses off.

But then I realised that if I did do that, I would have to pay for all of the ass reattachment surgeries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur?

ITS FUCKING RAW!

I used to think skipping to the ends of stories would save time...

...but then I learned to stop jumping to conclusions.

Most would say atheism isn't the best business model

Some would even say it's non-prophet!

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?

WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

Farmers would make great writers.

They really know how to work a plot.

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam

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