The 82+ Best Nothing Jokes

The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore....

Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".

I don't even know where that is!!

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

I was stranded on an island with nothing but dark red grass, dark red sand, dark red trees everything was darkred.

"AHHH!" i yelled "I've been marooned!"

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

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Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

People say nothing is impossible

But I do nothing every day

My boss calls me, “The Computer” but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.

Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

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My Asian girlfriend told me there's nothing wrong with having a little penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though...

Why does nothing much change in the Shire?

Force of hobbit.

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There's nothing quite like waking up to sex in the morning...

There's nothing quite like waking up to sex in the morning...

... unless you're in prison!

- Doctor, I'm having constant depression. Nothing works.

\- The best cure you can try is to fully submerge yourself in your work.

\- Doctor, but I'm working as a plumber.

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

“I felt nothing”

Man comes home at six and his wife gives him a peck on the cheek. Noticing his detached expression, she asks him what’s wrong. He says, “I felt nothing.” She takes a deep breath, then gives him the kiss of her life. He stares at her and repeats, “I felt nothing.” Hurt, her tears flowing freely, she ...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little...

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

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Nothing says “I guess I’ll just watch some porn,”

like accidentally opening your spam folder.

I asked my horse who sang her favorite version of Nothing Compares 2 U.

She neighed.

(RIP)

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

Nothing is better than studying

That's why i do nothing.

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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

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I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

Nothing ever happens in New Zealand…

It hippens.

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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants...

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

I dont enjoy Andor, but it has nothing to do with Star Wars...

...I'm just not a fan of conjunctions

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

You can call a dog a “fur baby” and nothing happens,

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party

than being there.

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I’m constipated and got nothing to do.

I’m bored shitless.

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "

Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.

Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

Susie went to the church wearing a see-through top leaving almost nothing to imagination..

After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " I don't want you to come to church wearing such a dress"

Susie cried " but I have a divine right"

Priest " you have a divine left too " looking at her dress " but still you can't come dressed like that " .

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A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make every day?"

The guy replies nonchantly, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him 150 dollars, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks th...

A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens.

guess he was a bad conductor

I must have been dreaming when I was making out with my girlfriend and she was telling me sweet nothings about wanting to get me off.

When i woke up she was yelling at me to get off!

Nothing is certain in life

except death, taxes and vegans telling you they're vegan.

And after talking to a few priests and rich guys, I'm no longer sure about the first two.

I will never date a trans person, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Besides, my wife would kill me.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

Nothing is free

There Is Nothing Free On Earth, Even To Listen Attentively, You Must Pay Attention

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Are you kidding me?? I'm never donating blood again. Nothing but questions as soon as you go in.

Shit like, "Where did you get it?" Or, "Why is it in a bucket?"

Why doesn’t Santa get something for the child who believes in nothing?

Because they’re on the nihilist.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

Three men were challenged to an art contest, they each had a piece of paper and a pencil, the theme was a TV screen, however, one of the men did nothing with his paper, when the judge saw it, he was dissapointed at first, but after he explained his idea to the judge, he was impressed and he won...

...Because it was Paperview!

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

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My wife thinks its sexy to answer the door for me wearing nothing but my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now have to have a 'talk' with a psychologist..

What do you call someone who has nothing and wants to share it with everyone?

A communist

What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?

A shi'talkin mushroom

Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

I'll stop at nothing

to avoid using negative numbers.

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