To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

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Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

Little Susie gets back home from playing outside.

She runs in and says, "Dad, dad! A man at the playground asked me to touch his ding dong!"

"Oh my god, Susie! Are you ok?! What happened!" He frantically asks.

Susie says, "nothing else; he said that if I did, he would give me this watch."

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

What do you call an Irishman with nothing to lose?

An Irishman.

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

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My girlfriend keeps telling me a small penis is nothing to be ashamed of.

I still wish she didn't have one though...

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was devastated when he found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

He wasted six months of his life training for nothing.

A friend told me nothing rhymes with orange.

"No," I said. "It doesn't."

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

People always say there is nothing new on r/jokes but hundreds of new jokes go on every day!

Fortunately I’m not one of them, I’ve been here for an entire year!

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

What did the psychiatrist say to the man who showed up wearing nothing but Saran Wrap?

“Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A man wearing a trench coat, with nothing on underneath, walks up to 3 nuns sitting on a park bench. The first 2 nuns were so appalled they gasped and fainted.

The 3rd nun had a stroke.

A man suddenly awakens remembering nothing of his past

Suddenly a genie exclaims: what is your third and final wish?

The man ponders for a minute before replying: I would like to remember that which I have forgotten.

The genie grins and states: interesting, that was also your first wish.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Nothing is better than lifelong happiness...

But a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Therefore, a cheese sandwich is better than lifelong happiness.

Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

First they came for the nihilists, and I did nothing.

That is all.

A math professor is trapped on a deserted island with nothing but a pie

He decides to ration the pie so he can survive for a month, and hopefully someone will have come by then.

He dies a week later cause he ate all the pie in one day.

He should’ve listened to what he told his students

“Pi is irrational”

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

Nothing beats the Swedish summer...

it's simply the best day of the year.

Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof.

Suddenly, Nobody falls off.
"Quick!" Nothing says. "Call an ambulance!"
So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: "Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!"

If Darth Vader said "Nothing's gonna stop us now" instead of "There will be no one to stop us this time..."

Would that make him Mannequin Skywalker?

Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for.

"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"

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The employees at the factory were often reminded by the boss that anyone can be wrong and nobody and nothing should ever be completely certain as its arrogant

so when people pushed buttons on the calculators made in the factory, it sometimes said "I dont know"

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you are in your prime.

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

What did the ocean say to the land? Nothing, it just waved.

Did you SEA what i did there?

There's nothing worse than a cranberries song stuck in your head

In your heeeaaadd, in your head in your head in your head

Seeing a spider is nothing.

It becomes a problem when it disappears.

There's nothing more annoying than people who get their sayings wrong.

I mean, it's not rocket salad.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

There’s nothing worse than a broken window

It’s always a pane to fix

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

I saw a lady on the street the other day wearing nothing but whipped cream.

She was Chantilly Clad.

Crazy, nothing and no-one

Crazy, Nothing and no-one are sitting in a boat. After a big wave no-one falls out out the boat! “Quickly, call an ambulance!” Shouts nothing.
Crazy calls 911 and says: “help! I’m crazy, i am calling for nothing, because no-one fell out of the boat!”

Anyway this joke was really funny in ...

Theres nothing wrong with open relationships

Im in a open relationship my wife just doesn't know yet

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

There's nothing like cuddling up to your significant other.

Until they ruin it by saying stuff like, "Who are you? How did you get into my house? Get out before I call the cops!"

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hick...

There’s nothing much I can say about the Swiss

But their flag is a big plus

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

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Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

A Million Dollars of nothing

A 9th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Alex!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"



"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I wou...

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I don't understand women...

I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".

At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her...

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

Nothing annoys me more than people who don’t know how to walk in crowded places like the mall.

Their wheelchairs always get in the way.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

You are stuck in a locked room with nothing but a mirror and a chair. How do you escape?

You look at the chair, turn around, look in the mirror, see what you saw, take the saw, cut the chair in half, two halves make a whole and you climb through the hole.

A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

A boy with nothing else but a head

A boy was born as only a head. No other parts of his body. Somehow, the head didn’t need the rest of his body to live, a medical mystery.

10 years has gone by, every afternoon, the boy’s mother has set his head to look through the window and watch his schoolmates play baseball. One night, the...

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!

Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of

Unless your fetish is humiliation. Then you should be ashamed, you nasty little pervert.

Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate ox...

I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording them.

In the beginning, there was nothing...

Then God says "let there be light". Now there was still nothing, but at least you can see it.

Have you heard about the perfume that smells of nothing?

I think it's total non-scents.

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"

so I bought her nothing

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her

That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

There was once a guy who's life was really dull, nothing happened to him...

...one day he was hit by a truck and in his last seconds of life he saw all of the most important moments of his life in a flash, and fell asleep out of boredom.

Reddit is nothing but a damn joke...and here’s why..

Why.

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “sure, why not!” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the...

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

I saw someone smoking the other day, nothing makes me happier than seeing the elderly smoke.

This guys was just ancient, gray, and puffing away holding himself up on a walker.

I go, “Man, you're a boss! Smoking, at your age? That’s dedication."

He replied, "What? I'm 28!”

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

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I did basically nothing for a period in school

Well I lied, we had sex ed, but that only lasted 20 seconds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so i...

The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad!

It's so great to have a place I finally fit in.

I went to the zoo the other day but there was nothing except a Dog

It was a shih tzu

People say nothing is impossible

But, I do nothing everyday

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Nothing better than sex in France.

I mean, where else are you gonna get some oui oui?

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

What's all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.

My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.

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