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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

If it weren’t for Arabs, it wouldn’t have been 9/11

It would be IX/XI

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

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If we went camping and you woke up with a sore asshole, would you tell anyone?

No?

Want to go camping?

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you think I'm sexy'

I then wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

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It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “Fuck” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

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If you masturbate in a vault

You’re practicing safe sex

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

If I apply for a job at a railroad...

Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

If you ever feel lonely, buy stocks.

You will have company

I met a girl last night & after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play "Doctor"?

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of out dated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?

On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.

*Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments. Per feedback, it might be better as "On your way to heaven, you'll have a layover in Atlanta."*

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

If Alcohol can damage-your short term memory?

Imagine the damage Alcohol can do.

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

If your crush is single...

It is 1v20

If she is taken...

It is 1v1

Work smarter not harder

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

If “I am” is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language...

Could it be that “I do” is the longest one?

If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be

“I don’t know. What do you feel like?”

If you enter into a room with a negative person in it,

there are now no people in the room!

If you're happy and you know it

please explain

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During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused ...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office...

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

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Why is it hard to tell if monsters are gay?

Because they are in the closet

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

If a blue bird has blue babies

And a red bird has red babies
What bird has no babies?


Swallows

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

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If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers

Just stop masturbating.

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it

then my illegal logging business is a success

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink.

"Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks ...

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, yes.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

Why do I hear the car behind me honking before the light turns green?

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

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[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

What happens if you touch Dwayne Johnson's ass?

You hit rock-bottom

If I had a dollar for everytime I didn't know what was going on

I would be like: "why is everyone giving me all this money?"

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?

Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.

*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What, did you think I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

If you're trying to make a good mailman joke:

it's all about the delivery.

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

If you’re wrong and you stay silent, you’re smart.

If you’re right and you stay silent, you’re married.

I’ve designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce

It’s a boing 747

I believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should make them calamari in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

How can you tell if a letter in your mailbox is a boy or a girl?

If it's a bill, it's fee mail.

If you didn't get the grades required for university...

There's three things to remember!

1) never give up
2) University isn't everything
3) don't put gherkins on my burger!!

If I had a DeLorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time.

If you don’t have a yardstick, get it now!!!!

They aren’t making them any longer.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

If you are not well informed about your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

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If porn has taught me one thing:

detention is not a punishment.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a sexist.

I'd not have to ask for dowry.

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

If you walk up to a house…

If you walk up to a house and see a sign saying “free corpses,” that’s a dead giveaway

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

If a group of lions is called pride, what do you call a group of humans?

Prejudice.

I always look at the kitchen shelf to see if there's any food left

Isn't that what they call extreme shelf awareness ?

I have a joke and I don't know if it translates well in all cultures, so let me break it down into bits.

01100001 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101

Reddit should rename 'karma' to 'creddit', 'share' to 'spreddit' and 'delete' to 'shreddit'. If they do, they won't regreddit.

They probably won't, and i don't geddit.

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

It is only good to kick a pregnant woman if you are ...

on the inside.

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls grilled bears?

barely enough

Hopefully it is original. If it’s not, sorry!

3 guys are lost in a particular foreign Village and now the cold night arrived. So they tried to go around houses hoping someone will take them in for the night.

First house: Guy 1– We are lost and we need a place to stay the night. Can you take us in?

Owner(looks at the 3 of them)— ...

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

If you see someone crying, ask:

“Is it because of your haircut?”

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My girlfriend asked me if I smoked after sex.

I said ‘Dunno. I’ve never looked’

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

What I if told you…

That you read the top line wrong?

If you asked an electrician to change a fuse, and he does..

He has refused -

The ninja master asked a student if they thought they could handle the next challenge.

The disciple answered, shuriken!

If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD…

Does it count as a concentration camp?

If at first you don't succed...

Maybe skydiving wasn't the best of ideas

So if “Ani” is short for Anakin, and “Ben” is short for Obi-Wan... and “Fives” is short for CT-27-5555... and “Artoo” is short for R2D2... and “Chewie” is short for Chewbacca... What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper

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"Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual what do you call some who speaks only one language?

American

If you're American before you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.




That's what.

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My new girlfriend asked me if my sex playlist was just Wonderwall on repeat

I said maybe

If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle...

It isn't working.

If two avocado are “avocados”

then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?

If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

If big breasted women work at Hooters where do one legged women work?

IHOP

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...

...Then Who is.

If a tennis player can get tennis elbow

Does that mean a gynecologist can get tunnel vision?

What do you have if you're intolerant to cheese?

You have allercheese.

My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.

I jumped at the opportunity.

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My doctor asked if I was sexually active.

I answered "I use Reddit" and he put down no.

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

My mom asked me "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

I don't think she understands how bungie jumping works.

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

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A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That'...

A man’s wife tells him if he comes home drunk one more time she’ll divorce him.

Later that night he’s at the pub and gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt.

“Oh no! I’m in big trouble now. My wife said she’ll divorce me if i come home drunk again!”

His friend tells him not to worry. “Just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket, and when she sees yo...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

If you go out tonight to see a German laptop DJ, don’t get too close to the booth.

They’re anti-wax.

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

What would you hear if you had Michael Jackson and Kanye West in the same room?

YE-YE.

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.

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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

If you watch Jaws backwards....

It's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people .

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

When your friend asks you if you want a leaflet filled with information about a holiday resort

Brochure

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your partner chews before they swallow.

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a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

My boss told me he's not going to pay me if I keep having erections at work

I told him that's my hard-earned money

I can't be doing with those pricks who knock on my door and tell me they're my saviour and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Damn Firemen.

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what did Delaware?

I don’t know; Alaska

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If bedbugs live in beds, does that mean..

..cockroaches........

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know they always say, 'if you like it then you should put a ring on it,'" he comments to the bartender. "I must really like shower curtains," the bartender replies.

If there is Adam and Eve, or Adam and Steve. It only seems fair the Eve gets a turn with both...

...That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"


The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."


The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."


The man asks "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

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