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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

I asked my wife if i was the only one she’d ever been with.

She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work at?

IHOP!

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Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

If I ever have twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate..

....and the second one Duplikate.

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world...

But it's definitely up there.

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said "I didn't know he could!".

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion.

They would call it the crucifact.

If you play Nicki Minaj songs backwards you can hear satanic messages.....

even worse, if you play them forwards you can hear Nicki Minaj.

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My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

If Novak Djokovic was a Pokemon, what would be his evolution line?

Novak -> Novax -> Novisa

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

What's green, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A snooker table.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81

He said, "no".

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If I become Pope, the first thing I will do is

shit in the woods

If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive

they’d eventually find me attractive.

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

If Russia invades Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

A woman asks her husband if he would remarry if she died

The husband said, “um, we all need someone, so I guess, yeah.”

The wife asked, “if I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?”

The husband answers, “We paid a lot of money on this house to get it the way we wanted, so yes.”

The wife asked again. “Well, if I died and...

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

The bouncer that I hired won't stop asking me if "I'm mad at him"

I think I accidentally hired an "Insecurity Guard"

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof…

Would you help your uncle Jack off?

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If getting a blowjob while driving is called Roadhead, what do you call getting a blowjob while piloting a plane?

Airhead

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.

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A teacher asks the kids if they can use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "I had a cold last week and my Mummy said I couldn't go play because I was contagious."

Little Billy raises his hand and says "My Daddy saw our neighbour trying to paint his fence with a one inch brush, he said that'll take the Cunt Ages"

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P.

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

If a woman drinks a couple glasses of wine a day, there is an increased chance of stroke.

If she finishes the whole bottle, there's a chance she might suck it too!

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize

A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"

What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?

It Hertz.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced....

That's why people with no sense of humour, have an increased sense of importance.

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

What would you do if all toilets stopped working?

Depends.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

My wife told me she was going to London and asked if I wanted a gift.

I replied: I would like a British girl.

She returned a month later and I asked her where my gift was.

She told me to wait nine months.

Idk if someone has already told this one

I were walking during the night in a forest. Then suddenly, an wolf appeared in front of me. I told my friend, who lost his glasses: "Look, a wolf!"
"Where???" he screamed, while panicating.
"Nah, just a normal one"

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

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It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bisexual, at the end of the day ...

... it's night.

At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.

They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry".

The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."

I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?"

I said "no, i was thinking the living room".

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

When I went to my interview, I poured a glass of water and it overflowed onto the table. The interviewer asked if I was nervous and I said no -

I always give it 110%

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If Putin ate a piece of shit

... he would be a cannibal

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

What do you call it if a bunch of people in comas drown in a hot tub?

Vegetable stew.


Not mine, and yes I know it's tasteless.

Probably as tasteless as the stew.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Piabetes.

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

If your rowing boat turns upside down, you can wear it as a hat..

It's capsized.

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Sex workers only get paid if they make a sale.

It's a commissionary position.

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Ladies...If a man is willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist?

Repossessed.

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

If you think Omicron's bad..

Just wait until Megatron shows up.

If There’s Hell Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

If a cow says moo, what does a space cow say?

moon

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

What would you do I if told you

that you read the title incorrectly.

If you make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs....That's a different thing.

If Juwan Howard needed to slap someone for calling a dumb timeout

Maybe he should have started with Chris Webber

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

If women rule the world, there would be no wars...

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other....

My girlfriend said to me: "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."

Turns out she meant together.

If the USA is so great...

Then why did someone make a USB?

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...

That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.

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I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around.

They said no and slammed the door in my face!

Parents can be real jerks.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...

Don't tell them about the orgy.

If you ever want to call a family meeting...

Just turn off the WIFI router and wait in the room in which it is located.

My kid asked if we are a bunch of pyromaniacs

I said, "yes, we arson."

If using your hands to get a guy off is a handjob and using your feet is a footjob,

Then using paint to get a guy off is a paintjob.

TIP: If you're in IKEA and you really like the look of a bed, but you're not sure whether or not to buy it...

... sleep on it.

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If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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If I ever meet the person of my dreams,

I'm never telling them *anything* about the fucked up dreams I have.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Pavlov.

She said she’d have to check to be sure, but that the name rang a bell.

A zebra wonders throughout his life if he is a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes...

So after never getting an answer throughout his life, the zebra passes away and goes up to Heaven. At the pearly gates he meets Saint Peter and asks him if he knows the answer: "Saint Peter, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" to which Saint Peter says he does...

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him ....

is he still wrong?

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

If it's not about elephants, it's irrelephant. But what if it's about ants?

Pertinant.

If you are cold, stand in a corner of a room...

It's mostly 90 degrees

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called

A dictatorsheep

A man asks his ninja friend if he could do a favor for him

The ninja said, "Shurikan"

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, you can sell him your boat.

If I had 50 cents for every time I'd read a 50 cent joke today...

I'd have about tree fiddy.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in...

If Bill Murray sees his shadow today

6 more years of Covid.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

Pulled out a nose hair today, to see if it hurt…..

Judging by the reaction of the guy asleep next to me on the bus, it sure seems pretty painful..

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

I’m not sure if I should go to the funeral tomorrow

Remains to be seen.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?

If Elvis Presley was alive today, what do you think he’d be doing right now?

Scratching at the coffin lid, screaming “Let me out!”

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

Abm

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I have a complex complex complex.

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman if he had any helicopter flavoured crisps...

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman if he had any helicopter flavoured crisps

The barman quizzically shakes his head and replies ‘’ WE ONLY HAVE PLAIN"...

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow?

I'd move to Bosnia because the country is 10 years behind everyone.

Stop me if you've heard this one

Oh


Sorry I didn't see what subreddit I was in, nevermind.

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

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A Jew in Heaven asks God if he heard a Holocaust joke

God says no. The Jew says "Ah well, you had to be there"

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

Q. If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are all wizards, then why can’t they cast spells to kill those who oppose them?

A. Because they don’t have any access to black magic.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**

Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000...

...I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my friends are always asking me if I had to sex with one animal ...

... which one would it be?

And I always have to say "a horse" ... because that way you have a ride home afterward.

\- Dave Attell

If procrastination was an Olympic sport,

I'd start later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The class were asked the question, "If there's a fire, what steps would you take to ensure your safety?"

Apparently, "Fucking big ones!" wasn't the answer they were looking for!

"Is it bad if a Cat follows you?"

"That depends. Are you a man or a Mouse?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

What’s the best vegetable to eat if your depressed?

Desparagus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

If you ever get locked out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly...

After all, communication is key.

If you meet a vegan who’s into CrossFit…

What won’t they shut up about first?

If you have trouble lasting long in bed, try doggy style,

Because 2 human minutes is 14 dog minutes!

My wife told me if I’m going to stay home, then start doing “lunges” to get back in shape.

This would be a big step forward.

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat

Don’t open it. It’s Spam.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

*“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”*

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