UPJOKE
notthenthatwhatthoughsoelsealsoeverneveronlyanwhenyesconjunction

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"&l...

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

What would happen if a piano fell on top of you?

You'd b-flat.

If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?

A Non-Prophet organization.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

If you were 1 when Red Red Wine was released

UB40

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

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This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

What word becomes shorter if you add two letters?

Short

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…

He said no!

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.

She looked up and whispered, “They're right behind you.”

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

If heaven is above and hell is below,

why are we burying the dead and not launching them into the sky?

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

If I had 50p every time I failed a maths exam

I would have £3.57 right now

If a blue bird has blue babies and a red bird has red babies what type of bird has no babies?

A Swallow

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

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the prophet (pbuh) promised me 72 virgins if i blew up a farmer's market

turns out they were 72 white men who all shot up wal marts

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.

OG: Anthony Jeselnik

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A tractor.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

If you were born in September

It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

If I had a nickel for evey time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "where are all these nickels coming from?"

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no, I can't deal with high maintenance women.

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what do you get if you cross an owl with a rooster

A cock that stays up all night

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

If H2O is what’s inside a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9-P

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

they become VERY ANGRY!

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

Apparently you’re autistic if…

Apparently you’re autistic if you take things literally

Well, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so definitely not me

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All I said was that I wouldn't like Santa very much if he was gay.

Now everyone thinks I'm hohohomophobic.

How do you tell if someone has kids?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.

If you stack two tacos on top of each other, you get two tacos.

But if you stack two lasagnas on top of each other, you get one lasagna.

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If you overdose on Viagra...

Do you "die hard"?

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

I asked my wife if I could play doctor

I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time

This one only works if you’re familiar with New Orleans

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a guy lying face down in the gutter. Not knowing if the guy was passed out or dead, he dials 911…

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Man: I’ve come upon a body lying in the gutter. He could be dead or passed out, I’m not sure
...

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How do you know if your dog is gay?

His dick tastes like dogshit

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

If "Gator Aid" had been created in Talahassee instead of Gainesville

Would we all be drinking Seminole Fluid?

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians…

Why did he make the animals out of meat?

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

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heehee my wife told me last night if I turned out the light I could put it in her butt….

I should have let the bulb cool down first.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware ?

I dunno, Alaska.

What should you do if you can’t afford to fix your A/C?

Start using only fans!

Thanks, I’ll see myself out!

If Jesus was an orange he’d be

King of the Juice

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s ever slept with. She said yes…

That the rest were 8-9s.

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.” I thought she was kidding…

But then I saw her face.

Gas is still $1.29 if you know where to go.

Taco Bell bean burritos.

What do you call a Toblerone if it is split into half?

A Toblertwo

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union...

then that's a red flag

What do you get if you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.

He said Wii.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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If I ever become famous, I'm gonna kiss another guy publicly just to remove homophones from my fan base.

John and Jon, that means you.

Death has come to collect Beethoven's soul and asked him if he would rather go to heaven or to hell. Beethoven replied:

*What?*

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A man asks a Welsh farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not

In the end, he said it was unclear

My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.

I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."

But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

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If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

If “Blue Lives” are real…

…that would mean they were Assigned Cop At Birth.

Which direction do you head if you want to find a bakery?

Yeast.

I was asked if I’d like to make a donation to help the local swimming pool

So I gave them a glass of water

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

what happens if you spank dwayne johnson

you hit rock bottom

If Jesus came back and saw the state of the world then...

...boy would he be cross

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you

What if...

What if you were being held at gunpoint by a literate animal (bear with me), and your only hope of escaping (BEAR WITH ME) was by posting a coded message

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My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my balls would stop itching.

Cool tip.

If A is for "apples" and B is for "bananas", what is C for?

Explosives

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I wouldn’t know why I had so many damn nickels around me

If you pound chicken with a clay oven…

Does that tandoorize it?

Why do trans women go by she/her?

Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben Kenobi is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

What do you get if you cross and Elephant and a Rhino?

Eliphino.

(El-iph-i-no)

If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.

This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

What is green and it hurts very much if it falls on your head?

A pool table.

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If I am in a room with Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Benito Mussolini....

Then I am probably suffering from Schizophrenia.

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted 12 inches of dick tonight

'Cause we could have sex 4 times.

If I go on a discount fishing trip and I lose the worm off the hook of my fishing line...

Am I entitled to a rebait?

If at first you don’t succeed.

Suck harder.

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

If your cold, go stand in a corner…

Because corners are always 90 degrees.

if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?

The swallow

It's inappropriate to tell a dad joke if you're not a dad.

It's a faux pa.

If a theist has belief in a god and an atheist has non-belief what does that make agnostics?

“May-believers”.

If you are what you eat,

Then I'm an innocent man

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

If lysis means to destroy , then..

Analysis is .....

A woman asked me if I'd care for an orange?

I said "If it needed me"

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue.

Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about t...

What do you do if your boyfriend hates Fruit Jokes?

Let the ManGo

What do you get if you paint a pink pig mint-green?

A pigmint of your imagination.

If the mark of a great performance is always leave them wishing there was more

Then I’m great in bed

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

If I had a dollar for every woman that didn’t find me attractive………

Eventually they would find me attractive.

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My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?

Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more.

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A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

Apparently when they ask you if you smoke or drink at the doctor’s office

It’s not an offer

If you have promised your partner that you will love them 24/7.

Today is 24/7.


(Americans, It's OK if you don't get it.)

If hard work is the key to success,

most people would rather pick the lock.

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I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

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Hey, I bet you're still a virgin.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

Do you think its ok if I have a glass of wine as soon as the kids get to School?

Or am I just a bad teacher?

Saw this on r/casualuk and thought it was funny. Hence crosspost

I spent hours looking up at the stars, wondering if the universe was infinite

Fine night

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I asked my friend if he'd give me a four letter verb that means "to be aware of"

... but that asshole kept telling me no!

I asked my friend if he could tell me what ethnicity Napoleon was.

He said course I can.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

If you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

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