UPJOKE
notthenthatwhatthoughsoelsealsoeverneveronlyanwhenyesconjunction

If Jokes

If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?

Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

List if 10 worst dog breeds

1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas

If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..

But that's really comparing Apple to oranges

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Korean Pop is KPop

Is Chinese Rap Crap?

EDIT: I just got on and looked at this post.....
THANK U SO MUCH!!!! This was my first post and it got all the way to the top!! Thank you sooo much!!

If I had a Delorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it

Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

you get them VERY ANGRY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...

"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I hope that blew your minds.

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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Orange will be the new Black.

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If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

If pro is the opposite of con...

Then what's the opposite of progress?

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day…

If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

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It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “Fuck” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

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My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

My wife asked if I minded if she bought a little French maid outfit

I said ‘Please do’.

She came home with a French-made $5000 Chanel dress.

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a blind girl says you have a big willy…

She’s probably just pulling your leg.



What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2?

USA and USB

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

Imagine the uproar if Blazing Saddles was made today.

People would say "this is plagiarism, make your own movie".

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."

Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

If you're here for the yodeling lesson

please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

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If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat.

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

What i If told you:

You read the title wrong.

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

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