So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

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My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

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The Husband leans over and asks his Wife..

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

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A man enters a butcher's shop

The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"

Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change ...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note...


...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"


I decided I didn't, so I gave him the money.

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

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I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

What language do they speak in Poland?

Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

So I've been asking what LGBTQ is,

But nobody will give me a straight answer.

If you give someone a video copy of the bad news bears...

You are the bearer of the bad new bears.

The past

I remember when “cornhole “ was played behind closed doors.
And when “Groupon” was a word you never wanted to hear your sister yell.
And when “Blowing A Tranny” meant something COMPLETELY different!

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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My girlfriend said it didn't matter that I have a small penis.

So it's not a big thing for me either.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

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The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.

XI is just a fucking asshole.

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

Last night I asked a girl what her name was, she said 'Emily Noel'.

So Emiy?

(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis med...

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Hindus are so chill

i’ve never had beef with any of them

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly inside the house

I told her it was because I felt like someone was listening to us.

She laughed...

I laughed....

Alexa laughed....

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

I failed Maths so many times in school,

I can't even Count.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Why are Chinese kids so good at maths?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

Why do pirates love Reddit so much?

Everything starts with “R” followed by a slash.

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

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Why was the porn star’s funeral so disappointing?

Nobody came

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

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Today's National Coming Out Day, so I sat down with my parents

After a lot of difficult, I finally worked up the courage to tell them they're gay.

Why do Hong Kong police officers wake up so early?

To beat the crowd

Yo Mama so fat

I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

Why was Pavlov’s hair so messy?

Because he didn’t condition it.

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

So I was going down on my grandmother

and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

Why are stormtroopers so inaccurate?

Because they're imperial

A hillbilly couple decides they want to have children.

They try and try, but the wife won’t get pregnant. The wife finally convinces the husband they should see a doctor. They go to their appointment and the wife is seen first. She comes out, “Well it ain’t me so it must be you.” The husband goes in and is seen for a long time. He finally comes out with...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My wife is so negative...

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

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So my penis got stuck in a DVD today..

Today I got horny and stuck my penis in the center of a DVD hole. I got hard and then my penis got stuck. I had to break the DVD to get my penis out but when i turned it over i saw it was a copy of the movie UP

Well guys, looks like I fucked UP

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I don't get why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist and suicide bomber, just so you might have a chance to get 72 virgins when you die

Just become a Catholic priest and have them now!

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Why is Blizzard so quick to resort to censorship?

Because they're nothing more than a bunch of snowflakes.

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So a guy and a girl are making out and begin having sex on the hood of her Honda civic, suddenly the man stops.

He said, im sorry i can only only have sex on my own Accord

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

So 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9...but why did 7 eat 9?

Because it's suggested that you eat 3 squared meals a day

Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

My friend thinks he is smart.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

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So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles...

...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.

After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother repli...

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So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

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I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

Yo Mamma's so ugly....

She ordered a Happy meal and made it cry

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

We were so poor when I was a kid....

If you didn’t wake up on Christmas morning with a hard-on you had nothing to play with

Our family was so poor when I was growing up

If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with

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Why are female orgasms so much different from men's?

Because their O varies.

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

My wife left me because I'm so insecure

No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

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I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

I hate how funerals are always so early in the day.

I'm really not a mourning person.

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

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So an old dude has been rescheduling his prostate exam for months.

He calls up his doctor once again and goes,“Doc, I gotta reschedule today‘s appointment, it’s my birthday today so I’ll be celebrating and also my wife cooked me up this big breakfast with all the fixings. Eggs, bacon, toast, uhh sausages, waffles. It was a feast, I hope you understand doctor, I cou...

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

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I'm so mean, I don't even have to flush the toilet!

I scare the shit out of it!

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

JESUS WAS BORED so he went to God, his father and asked him, "Dad, give me something to do, I am bored! "

"Take a file and smooth the top of the Himalayas," said God.
After 7,000 years Jesus came back again. "And now what can I do?" he asked God again.
God gave him a spoon and told him to empty the Indian Ocean.
After 7,000 years, he was back again. "It's done... and now?" he asked God. ...

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler get fucked up so bad trying to get into USSR?

He ignored all the red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

Why is it so hard to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs?

He has a batting cage.

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

Why are divorce lawers so expensive?

They're worth it.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Hi! So we thought about a threesome for a long time and we’ve decided to give it a try.

We are one man looking for two women.

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

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