UPJOKE
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So Jokes

Yo mama so fat

her pronouns are Hershey

Yo mama so ugly

When she sits on her phone, it unlocks.

Yo momma is so fat…

…her car has stretch marks.

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

Your mom is so old

She has a separate entrance for black guys

Yo mamas so ugly

Her portraits hang themselves

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

Your momma so ugly…

She went into a haunted house and came out with a job application

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

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So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

Yo Mama So Fat...

She went skydiving and got stuck.

Yo Momma is so fat...

When she's walking down the street, cops driving by scream out, "Hey you two --break it up!"

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

Yo mamas so fat....

She starts the alphabet with O B C D

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Yo mama so fat...

The only scale she could use is the Richter Scale

Yo mama so old

Her chiropractor a paleontologist

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

Yo mama so slow...

it took her 9 months to make a joke.

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

Yo mama is so fat that…

She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

I am so broke…

That people break into my house and leave me food.

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Why are trans women so good at swimming?

Because they are boyn’t

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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

Why is helium so expensive these days?

Because of all the inflation.

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

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Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

So I went on r/news today..

[removed]

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

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Your penis is so small..

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

So I threw a surprise bukkake-party for my wife…

She was so excited everyone came! You should’ve seen her face!

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Yo mama so fat

when she eats Taco Bell, she gets the walks.

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Yo mama so dumb

that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Yo mama so dumb...

...she tells yo mama jokes to you and your siblings.

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

So Donald Trump walks into a bar...

and lowers it

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to run for his office

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

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Porn is so unrealistic

Just took a shower with my girlfriend.....

And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

Yo mamma’s so ugly...

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

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Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."

Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

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Professor X ask a girl, "so, what's your mutant power"?

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a celing fan off on the first try!"

Professor X: "oh really?"

Girl \[points up\]: " 2 pulls"

Professor X: \[stands up and pulls twice\] "not bad kid, but not a power".

Girl: "Im kidding, i can heal paraplegics"

Professor x:...

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

I was once so broke

I could not pay my electric bill…

Those were the darkest days of my life…

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.

So long story short I'm learning sign language now.

Yo Momma so fat.......

When she travels by bus, it becomes a cab.

Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

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So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.

I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and sa...

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

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So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere

That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.





I'll show myself out

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

Yo mamma so fat

Her favourite soccer team is Hamburg

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

Will Smith defended his wife so well…

She’s definitely going to let him watch tonight.

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

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So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. W...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

I was so confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

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