The 159+ Best So Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

Yo momma is so fat…

…her car has stretch marks.

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

A young boy asks an old man how he got to be so old

The old man tells the boy "Oh it's an old cowboy trick! Every morning I put a spoonful of gunpowder on my oatmeal!" So the young boy starts doing it and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 106. He left behind 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren and a 30 foot hole in the wall o...

So a Chicken walked into a bar, and the bartender asks, what brings you in today chicken?

The chicken says, "I just saw this place across the road, and thought I'd come check it out."

Your momma so ugly…

She went into a haunted house and came out with a job application

Yo mama is so fat…

I know six fat people and she’s 5 of them.

Yo mama so fat...

The only scale she could use is the Richter Scale

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

A boy was chewing on electrical chords, so he was grounded…

he is doing better currently and conducting himself properly

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

Why is it so hard to solve crimes in Alabama?

Because the DNA always matches and the dental records don’t exist

It was my wife's birthday the other day so I decided to throw her a surprise bukkake party.

Everybody came, you should have seen her face.

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

so a dung beetle walks into the bar.

so a the bartender says, “Sorry, that stool’s already taken.”

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Why did Bilbo Baggins live so long?

Because old hobbits die hard

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better

if every fifth caller was a winner.

I was so lonely that I super glued a cup of coffee to the roof of my car

Now everybody waves at me.

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

Yo mama so ugly

When she sits on her phone, it unlocks.

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

Yo Momma is so fat...

When she's walking down the street, cops driving by scream out, "Hey you two --break it up!"

I heard my local bank was offering mortgages with no interest, so I walked in and said, "I’m here to find out about mortgages." The worked looked at me and replied...

"I don’t really care."

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...

... she just spits it out.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

This might sound so cheesy

but I think you are really grate.

Yo momma so fat...

Her blood type is A ... & W

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

Why is helium so expensive these days?

Because of all the inflation.

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

I have so many jokes about unemployed people

But sadly they don't work.

Paddy caught his wife having an affair so he decided to kill her and himself.

He put the gun to his head, looked at his wife and said…..
”Don’t laugh, your fecking next”

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

So we were driving down an old country road and we saw some bales.

I was surprised to see them so I waved at the bales and said, "hay bales!"

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

So I went to see the antelope salesman the other day...

He said "I've got good gnus, and bad gnus."

Found a hair in my McDonald’s burger, I was so surprised…

…I didn’t know they used natural ingredients

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

So I was going to take this girl to prom...

But she had all these prerequisites to bringing her, she was very needy.

She wanted me to buy her dress, flowers, a necklace, a limo, ect...

I go to the store for her dress and of course there's a huge line, I'm waiting forever but I finally get the dress.

I make my way to the ...

Yo mama so fat she took a bath in the ocean

and ran out of water.

Yo mama so dumb

that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

TIFU for making an incest joke around my gf

She got so mad she told our mom about it.

Yo mama so fat that

She uses Macrowave instead of microvave.

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

Yo mama so slow...

it took her 9 months to make a joke.

A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar...

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...
The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Why was the tv so attracted to the remote?

Because it turns it on

Why was Sideshow Bob so jealous of Moe?

He always wanted to be a bartender.

Yo momma so fat

She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

I'm so dumb and out of shape

My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ

Why are active volcanos so happy?

Because they lava alot

Yo Mama so fat, You can hide behind her back and still be visible...

Because of Gravitational Lensing.

So the Pope dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his room.

It's a small room, unfurnished, walls of bricks, floor of concrete, with noisy neighbors and no elevator.

One day, as he's walking down the street, he sees someone riding down to his mansion in a fancy Cadillac with beautiful women...

Yo momma's glasses are so thick...

... when she looks at maps, she can see people waving back at her.

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...

"What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."

"Oh, right. How's it going?"

"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopter...

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

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So a Genie appeared and said "I will grant you ONE wish."

I thought and thought and thought,and said "Here is a map of the countries of the middle east. They have been killing each other for thousands and thousands of years. Could you please bring peace to this one part of the world?
He said "Well,even for a Great Genie like me that's asking a little to...

I was feeling depressed so my wife came, put her hand on my shoulder, and said “Earth”

That meant the world to me.

Your mama is so fat…..

On one edge of her passport photo, it says continued on next page.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

So a Police Officer pulls over a little old lady in a car going a bit too slow…

Police officer asks the usual, “…know why I pulled you over…” “…license, registration, proof of insurance…”

Lady hands everything over as usual,

And then the Officer asks, “Ma’am, you got any weapons in the car I should know about?”

Old Lady answers “a .45 at my waistband, a Glo...

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

Why does the wait feel so long to see a doctor?

Doctors have patients and you don't.

Credit to my friend,

\-Wally P.

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks you, tell them it's 12345678

So I arranged a threesome last weekend

obviously there were 2 no shows, but we still had a good time.

You're so ugly that when you were born....

Your mother said "what a little treasure."
Your father replied "yeah let's bury it."

Yo mamma is so stupid...

She went to buy pictures at Adobe Photoshop

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

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Why are people with diarrhea so angry?

I am not sure, they are just always losing their shit for some reason.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I may vote for it.

Yo mama's so narcissistic...

She makes cupcakes for your class on her birthday!

Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....

It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dea...

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

I'm so sick of all these REPOSTS

For 25 years I have been working day and night to find the originator of the first joke. I think I may have found it in the original Hebrew Bible.

Adam spoketh to Eve and said, "Now see the mess thou has got us into. I should never have listened to you."

Eve replied, "How the hell was ...

So I started dating a ventriloquist who is into BDSM...

Turns out gags are completely ineffective.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

“A few years back when I’ve been on vacation in the Alps, my wife got pregnant. The year after that, a vacation in the Rockies, my wife got pregnant. Two years after that, a vacation in Aruba, my wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…...” “So what are you going to do?”

“I think I’m going to have to take her with me this year, just in case.”

So my son watches this kid’s pirate show and they say “Hey ho, let’s go!” all the time.

So I keep emphatically saying it with him in hopes he’ll start to say it to my ex-wife.

Dating apps are so weird

Apparently "must be an animal lover" doesn't mean what you think.

I find it odd that so many Americans are circumcised...

Especially considering how many rely on tips to get by.

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In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

I can't afford to fix my leaky roof. So I'm inviting some kids with chicken pox over.

Hopefully my house will get Shingles.

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A man was dating three women and wanted to marry one.

He couldn’t choose between them, so he decided to give them a test. He took $1500 out of the bank and gave each one $500 to see how they’d spend it.

The first spent it all on herself. When he asked why, she said she wanted to look her best for him.

The second spent it all on him. Wh...

I was wondering why it was so dark at night…

then it dawned on me.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

My friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties

He was so mad, maybe because she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral pretty uncomfortable.

Writers these days have become so lazy

They’re remaking the first Writer’s Strike

I’m going to name my son ‘science’

So that he can win every argument with: “well, science says that…”

Why do pianists need so many knives?

They have to do a lot of Chopin.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man o...

Yo momma so fat...

...when she goes jogging, she leaves potholes.

Couldn't fall asleep so I started counting sheep ...

Couldn't fall asleep, so I started counting sheep and everything was great as I was drifting off to dreamland THEN one of the sheep said "Hey pal - I think you forgot to make your car insurance payment 7 days ago!" - and I sat up ... wide awake and said "Ewe have got to be kidding me!"

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I'm so competitive, Ive never lost anything

Including my virginity.....

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Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?

Because they just keep getting harder and harder.

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

Yo Mama is so ugly

If Bill Cosby found her unconscious he’d call the paramedics

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Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

Yo Mama so old...

Her first cruise was on Noah's Ark.

I'm pretty lucky, so recently I came into a lot money

Which is weird cuz normally i use a sock

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

Yo mama so fat

She ate her laptop because the website said it had cookies in it.

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

A man entered a contest for who can last the longest in space. He got first place, so what did he win?

A-trophy

Why are Russian dolls so egocentric?

Because they are full of themselves.

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

Why was the audition for The Little Mermaid so competitive?

Because every actress there was striving for Ariel Supremacy.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic from the bartender...

The bartender places an apple in front of him. "This isn't a gin and tonic!" the man says angrily. The bartender says "oh but it is. This is a magic apple. Just take a bite."

The guy takes a bite. "That tastes just like gin!" The bartender grins and says "turn it around..." the guy does so an...

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So God and an Angel are creating Humans…

GOD: So when it's cold, we'll make nipples do what?

ANGEL: Make em hard?

GOD: Nice, nice, everybody loves boobies. How about dicks?

ANGEL: Shrink em!

GOD: *laughing so hard tears run down his face*

One day, Albert Einstein has to give a speech at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

Mom can I get a motorcycle?

Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?

That horrible, awful accident that killed him…

So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?

No, you can have his

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I heard spam was becoming more targeted so I checked my folder

Turns out I just get the same offers for penis-reduction creams as everyone else

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

If badminton is so good

Think about good minton. Lol. Sorry.

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Yo mama's so fat

when she goes to the beach, Greenpeace shows up to try and drag her back into the ocean.

It's been six months since I joined the gym—so far no progress.

Tomorrow I’m going down in person to see what's really going on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taxi driver, fresh on the scene, picks up his first passenger

The driver started to head to the location requested by the passenger. 10 whole minutes had passed with complete silence. The radio wasn't even turned on. A fitting comedown from the hectic workday the passenger had.

He then notices a Denver Broncos bobble head toy on the drivers dashboard, ...

So a guy goes to the dentist

He tells the dentist my left tooth hurts.
The dentist said sorry but there's no cure for that so you'll have to eat the other side. Later that day he goes to a barbecue, he gets a sausage goes to the bathroom and locks himself. His friends walk past the door and hear moaning, they ask him what's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

So my iron broke because it overheated

The irony

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

Yo Mama Joke by a Physics Professor

Yo Mama is so fat you can see the objects that are directly behind her

True story

So my friend and I were at his place and for some reason argued about who was smarter than the other, so we decided to do an online IQ test.

He went first, as he was sitting at the computer, while I looked on. He scored an impressive 120. Then it was my turn: 121.

There was a moment of...

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