Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

Why do white girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

They literally can't even.

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

People are so sensitive today. You can't even say black shoe.

You have to say, "Tyrone, please get off my lawn"

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

After stating that AC/DC was the best 80's band, my dad got mad and said, "What do you know about the 80's? I bet you don't even know who Whitesnake is!"

I just rolled my eyes and said "ugh, Here I go again!"


Happy father's day!

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

My mom said she wouldn’t even put me in an animation movie

Because i’d be rendered useless

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

Global warming is funny.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

When people say they can’t even...

I find it pretty odd

Dude exclusively hangs out with other dudes...kisses the dude he loves best...never gets married or even has a gf. You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

Yep, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a treehouse in my backyard growing up, and I even lost my virginity in it.

Sadly it burned down when I was 10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the abortion ban in Alabama yesterday, my girlfriend is too scared to even have sex with me

Too bad my other sister isn't helping out either.

Today my wife said to me, "I can't even".

I said "That's odd".

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got a job offer as a PORN STAR, and they demanded that I do a scene without even going through an STD test, of course I refused

because it was NSFW.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honestly, I don't even enjoy sex with nuns that much,

it's just, once you've gotten into the habit...

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

Even in the morning, when most people's hair is scruffy and looks bad, Will Smith's still looks amazing.

Some call him the Fresh Prince of Bedhair.

I can always tell what’s in a Christmas present before I even open it.

It’s a gift

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

I’m going to a charity even for female amputees this week.

The place is going to be *crawling* with chicks. It will be easy to *pick them up*

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

Finally Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber team up for a song and even the title is perfect...

“I don’t care”

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

I don't even like cocaine

It just smells nice

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

How do you make 7 even?

You take away the s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

Kim: I would even kill for

a Nobel Peace Prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bff: You don't even have gf

Me: I got 55 bitches at Reddit
(Cause karma is a bitch).

I didn’t even know this about my neighbor!

My neighbor is a barber, he and I have lived by each other for years. Earlier this week he got arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve been his customer going on 9 years now, never even realized he was a barber.

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

2015 was an odd year

It will all even out this year though

Them: Stop anthropomorphising animals. They aren't even sentient.

Also Them: (pointing to their pet dog) He's the best boi. He makes our family complete.

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

How do you make seven an even number?

Just remove the “s.”!

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

Even though Steve Irwin died

He died with animals in his heart

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I got fired for eating chips at work, even though I’ve been stealing so many hearts of our customers.

Well fuck it, I hated being a casino croupier anyways.

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

What do you call a wordplay that's so good it gets told everywhere, even in foreign country's?

a pundemic

"Even though I didn't go to college, I make as much as a Graduate..."

"...Unfortunately it's a gender studies major."

You know, I understand how you get “Will” or even “Bill” out of William, but how the heck do you get “Dick” from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that even with all my masturbation I will still go to heaven.

Psalm 118 says: “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord”.

I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references!

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.

Have a good day!!

People wonder how my wife and I can still love our daughter even though she's a stripper

But she twerks for us

My ex wouldn't even let me imagine getting or giving oral.

It's just mindblowing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best thing about white chicks with dreadlocks is that they’ll still suck your dick even if you haven’t showered in a couple of weeks.

Free love without judgement~

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

I don't like to talk, or even think, about my wife dying.

That way the lawyers can't use the word "premeditated."

I have a memory from before I was even born....

I remember I went to the park with my dad, then went home with my mom.

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