My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

I’m okay with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

Why do white girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

They literally can't even.

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

Someone stole all my booze, and I'm not even mad.

They lifted my spirits.

My dad asked me the other day : ,,Hey, are you even listening to me ?“

Dude... that’s a really weird way to start a conversation

The Russian President doesnt even have a russian accent...

he's just Putin' it on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

Even I was very young, I knew I wanted to be a cardiologist. It's always been the only thing I ever wanted to do.

It's like I was born with blood in my veins

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Global warming is funny.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

How do you make 7 even?

Remove the s.

My friend just came back from war missing his legs below the knee cap. Without even speaking a word I knew how the battle had gone.

He was Defeeted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock.

That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took the best shit at work. I didn't even have to wipe.

I can't wait until my boss sees it on his desk Monday morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

People are so sensitive today. You can't even say black shoe.

You have to say, "Tyrone, please get off my lawn"

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

After stating that AC/DC was the best 80's band, my dad got mad and said, "What do you know about the 80's? I bet you don't even know who Whitesnake is!"

I just rolled my eyes and said "ugh, Here I go again!"


Happy father's day!

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

When people say they can’t even...

I find it pretty odd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the abortion ban in Alabama yesterday, my girlfriend is too scared to even have sex with me

Too bad my other sister isn't helping out either.

Dude exclusively hangs out with other dudes...kisses the dude he loves best...never gets married or even has a gf. You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

Yep, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

My mom said she wouldn’t even put me in an animation movie

Because i’d be rendered useless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honestly, I don't even enjoy sex with nuns that much,

it's just, once you've gotten into the habit...

Today my wife said to me, "I can't even".

I said "That's odd".

I’m going to a charity even for female amputees this week.

The place is going to be *crawling* with chicks. It will be easy to *pick them up*

2015 was an odd year

It will all even out this year though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got a job offer as a PORN STAR, and they demanded that I do a scene without even going through an STD test, of course I refused

because it was NSFW.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a treehouse in my backyard growing up, and I even lost my virginity in it.

Sadly it burned down when I was 10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

Even in the morning, when most people's hair is scruffy and looks bad, Will Smith's still looks amazing.

Some call him the Fresh Prince of Bedhair.

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

I can always tell what’s in a Christmas present before I even open it.

It’s a gift

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who can still be considered a virgin even after getting nailed?

Jesus

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

A chemist fell and broke his leg. His friend tried to help, but the chemist told him "Don't bother, you couldn't even move me a Cm."

He knew his friend couldn't Curium.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

I hope this isn't offensive, but I don't think D-Day was even all that bad.

Seems like a walk on the beach.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

You can't even play "Hangman" in school any more because it's considered offensive

It's now "Hangperson"

Finally Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber team up for a song and even the title is perfect...

“I don’t care”

Do girls even enjoy being fingered?

Depends on if you know the difference between summoning a genie and stuffing a chicken

I didn’t even know this about my neighbor!

My neighbor is a barber, he and I have lived by each other for years. Earlier this week he got arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve been his customer going on 9 years now, never even realized he was a barber.

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bff: You don't even have gf

Me: I got 55 bitches at Reddit
(Cause karma is a bitch).

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

I don't even like cocaine

It just smells nice

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

Kim: I would even kill for

a Nobel Peace Prize.

How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

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