This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

Why do white girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

They literally can't even.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”

Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

I didn’t even know this about my neighbor!

My neighbor is a barber, he and I have lived by each other for years. Earlier this week he got arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve been his customer going on 9 years now, never even realized he was a barber.

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

Global warming is funny.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

Kim: I would even kill for

a Nobel Peace Prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bff: You don't even have gf

Me: I got 55 bitches at Reddit
(Cause karma is a bitch).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This happened in a little town in Northern Saskatchewan. Even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

Harry was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy Halloween night. The night was getting darker and the rain came harder, and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly Harry saw a car come toward him and stop.

Without ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this chick tried to claim I was "no good at screwing" just because I sucked on her titties and then nutted on her thigh before even putting it in...

But I mean.... who *really* got screwed on that deal?

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

How do you make 7 even?

You take away the s

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

I can't see an end. I have no control, and I don't see any escape. I"m not even sure I have a home anymore....

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I got fired for eating chips at work, even though I’ve been stealing so many hearts of our customers.

Well fuck it, I hated being a casino croupier anyways.

How do you make seven an even number?

Just remove the “s.”!

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

"Even though I didn't go to college, I make as much as a Graduate..."

"...Unfortunately it's a gender studies major."

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

Even though Steve Irwin died

He died with animals in his heart

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

What do you call a wordplay that's so good it gets told everywhere, even in foreign country's?

a pundemic

I Hate It When People Write r/wooosh And Don’t Even Spell It With 4 os...

smh...

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

You know, I understand how you get “Will” or even “Bill” out of William, but how the heck do you get “Dick” from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

I literally can’t even

-Prime numbers other than 2

I don't like to talk, or even think, about my wife dying.

That way the lawyers can't use the word "premeditated."

Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

Even eggs get laid...

but you don't.

People wonder how my wife and I can still love our daughter even though she's a stripper

But she twerks for us

I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references!

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

My ex wouldn't even let me imagine getting or giving oral.

It's just mindblowing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just found out that even with all my masturbation I will still go to heaven.

Psalm 118 says: “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord”.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The best thing about white chicks with dreadlocks is that they’ll still suck your dick even if you haven’t showered in a couple of weeks.

Free love without judgement~

I have a memory from before I was even born....

I remember I went to the park with my dad, then went home with my mom.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

This joke is not even average.

At least it's not mean.

People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.

Have a good day!!

Even the Eldritch elder gods need to relax once in a while..

..so they crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Know what's even better than roses on my piano

Tulips on my organ

2015 was an odd year

It will all even out this year though

Teachers can be funny sometimes, even science teachers.

Periodically, that is.

It hasn't even been 2019 for a month yet

It feels like so much longer ago that I broke all of my resolutions

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guess I won’t even be a prostitute one day...

Shouldn’t have dropped out of fucking school

My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

I was thinking of you today. I even made a sculpture of you.....

Then I flushed the toilet.

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

Even though my girlfriend is a meth addict, she is still so beautiful...

That hair, those eyes, that tooth.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

The wife is fuming, just because I lost £6,485 from gambling. It's not even like it's her money!

...Anymore.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

Not even 1% get this joke...

the other 99% of world population does not even read it.

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Discipline is about having the strength to do something that you do not want to do. To keep at a task for long periods of time even when its unpleasant. Even when it hurts. I am one of the most disciplined people I know.

For example, I don't want to get fat.

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

Jesus! My wife acts really freaking strange sometimes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With all the STD’s out here, I’m scared to even have phone sex.

Fuck around and I might get hearing aids.

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who is someone who always steals your shit and gets no punishment even when exposed?

A reposter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'

We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse

...Memory loss

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

With all the politically correct agenda these days, you can’t even say Black Paint!

You have to say, “ Leroy, please paint my fence!”

If a man doesn't know the meaning of the word 'stop', he shouldn't even get a job as a

bus driver.

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects.