What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

Only anti-vaxxers will get this one...

Small-Pox

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

My son came up with this one...

I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".


Genie: Wait, what? Why?


Man: It's for a joke, trust me.


Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?


Man: Yes.


Burger King: Have it your way.

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around...

129 bugs in the code.

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“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.”

“Bitch, please,” I said.

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,

How do you drive this thing

There's two morons sitting on a bridge, the big one falls off. The other didn't...

He was a little moron


-Stephen King

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.

Ok, So there were two birds...

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, t...

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

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My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Some Roman soldiers walk into a bar. One of them holds up two fingers...

Five beers, please.

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It takes a lot of courage to shave using a cutthroat blade. I used to shave my privates using one.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

What's the name of the reindeer that's directly behind Rudolf? You know the one, he's just as fast as Rudolf but can't stop as fast.

Larry the Brown Nosed Reindeer

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your ...

A woman loses her son Eddy in a Walmart one day

She looks everywhere for him but doesn't find him. Mom loses hope and years go by. Eddy is adopted by another family and they decide they like the name Terry. So Terry grows up and one day is shopping at the same Walmart where he was lost, and passes a woman who stares at him oddly. She looks at him...

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

One mans trash is another mans treasure

Turns out this isn’t how you tell your child they’re adopted

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

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I told my wife to pull on my peepee one time if she wants to have sex

...and to pull on it 250 times if she doesn’t want to have sex.

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One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world. T

The front page is now over 95% recycled content.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

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A Guy sits down at a bar and orders one shot after another of whiskey.

Bartender- So, what's the big occasion tonight?

Guy- I'm celebrating my first blow job!

Bartender- That's great! But you need to slow down on the shots!

Guy- I can't, I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

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One of my dads favorite jokes....

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him th...

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What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and only one eye?

Dick.

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

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Three men are sitting in a bar with a buy 3 get one free special

One says, "this deal is crap, we could go down the street to McVee's, it's buy two get one free"

The second guy says, "yeah well I always go to O'Donnell's, it's buy one get one."

The third says, "that's nothing, I know a bar that gives you the first *three* beers for free, then they t...

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

My wife talked to me, about what to name our twin daughters, yesterday. I replied Kate, and the other one?

DupliKate

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

My buddy Mike wants to change his name by just one letter.

I keep telling him: "Nike, Just do it."

He doesn't get it.

Swoosh

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

This one is just gold

Found this one while playing a game, and i honestly still can't stop laughing:

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and...

Why does a Frenchman have only one egg for breakfast?

Because that's *un oeuf*.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're ...

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"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."

"Would you sleep with me for $5?"

"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"

"I thought we alread...

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

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I had sex for one hour and 12 seconds last night.

Thanks daylight savings!

What did one sheep herder say to the other sheep herder?

Let's get the flock out of here

What do you call a girl with one leg

Aileen

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Why did crappy pirates only have one eye?

because they couldn't sea well

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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas

I'm still trying to figure out how it got in my pajamas

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

I have a russian friend who's a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

I’ve just asked my missus if I’m the only one she’s slept with.

She said ‘Yes. All the others were nine and tens’.

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Two Sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says, it's kinda hot in here, the other says.

HOLY FUCK, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches

One of my favorite jokes from my little brother

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Mosq

Me: Mosq who?

Him: MOSQUITOOO!!

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Anada

Me: Anada who?

Him: Anada MOSQUITOOO!!

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Yet

Me: ...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

One time I saw a kid being bullied by 4 kids so i decided to step in

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

A Rabbi is thinking to himself one day...

"What do I do with all of these foreskins?"

As a Rabbi, he had accumulated at least a thousand foreskins and was stumped at what to do with them. Finally, he decides to take all of these foreskins to a leather worker to see if the leather worker could make something out of them.

The ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

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On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do.

Lil boy and lil girl are playing in a sandbox. Lil boy pulls down his pants and says, 'I have one of these and you don't.'.

Lil girl runs off to mom who sets her straight. Next day, lil boy and lil girl are in the sand box again. Again lil boy pulls down his pants saying, ' I have one of these and you don't.'. lil girl pulls up her skirt and replys, 'I have one of these and can get as many of those as I want.'.

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

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One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firm...

If my great-great-grandfather were still alive, he’d be one of the most famous people in the world...

...because he’d be like 180 years old by now!

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What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.


Did you hear about her porno?


Come on Eileen.

My 34 year old son told me this one.

Son: What does Frosty the Snow Man use to go online?

Me: What?

Son: The Winternet!

Me: Get a job Larry.

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Two cows are at the slaughter house, and one cow said to the other cow

Don’t be concerned but I think our lives are at steak

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

What did one hat say to another?

You stay here, I will go on a head.

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

An old married couple are in church one day… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really wet, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

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Two scoucers are sitting having a pint one afternoon in a pub on the banks of the Mersey.

A beautiful woman walks in, looks around, taps one of them on the shoulder and whispers in his ear "do you want a blowjob".

He stops drinking, puts his pint down, turns to look at her, then picks her up carries her outside and chucks her in the river.

A few moments after returning to t...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

What's it called when you take over one half of the capital of Hungary?

Pest control

This is a bit of a stiff one...

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body
Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry
And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag ...

Two kids were walking down the street. One was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating firecrackers.

Police charged one and let the other one off.

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP!
-Jake Harper

I've been happily married for one year

...out of a total of 5.

Came up with this one just now.

One day, a new hobbit moves into the Shire. Frodo is asked to show him around the place

Frodo: Welcome, friend! This is the shire!

Hobbit: Ah, what a lovely spot!

Frodo: *walks to gloomy area* This area right here is a pretty bad place, my friend. It's basically a worse shire.<...

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.

They said, take IT or leave IT.

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million....

Then I scrolled through her text messages and she was right.

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

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NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first?

Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts.

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