My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

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Looks like f***ing up here

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower.

The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather dr...

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother…

the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

Person 1: Someone said you look like an owl

Person 2: Who?

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What does Bill Cosby’s penis look like?

Blurry.

My hair is receding at my temples, making my hairline look like the flap of an envelope.

Goddamn mail pattern baldness...

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My wife went into a coma recently and the doctor said it doesn't look like we have many options.

After a month in a coma, my wife's doctor comes to me and says that there's a way to awake her from this coma but it's rather unconventional.

I asked the Dr what needed to happen and he tells me that the only way to wake her is by oral sex.

After about 5 minutes I come out of room conf...

Someone said I look like Thor from The Avengers

They have only seen The End Game

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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear?

Bear Minimum

Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks" Mom: Does it look like I am made of money Son:

"Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

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My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Guy goes to a cosmetic surgeon and says, "Make me look like Christian Bale!"

"Uhhh.....are you sure you want that?", the surgeon asks.

The guy replies, "Yes! Absolutely!"








So now he looks like Veronica Mars.

What does South Korea look like after a nuclear war with North Korea?

Not a Seoul there.

There's a hot blonde in my neighborhood and she doesn't look like an idiot to me.

I think she doesn't look to me at all.

How does a redneck breakup look like?

"Don't worry, we can still be cousins."

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A young boy walks up to his father and asks, “Dad what does a vagina look like?”

The dad looks at his son with a smile and says, “Son, a vagina looks like a beautiful flower waiting to be picked.”
The son thinks for a moment and asks,
“What does it look like after its picked?”
The dad looks serious and says...
“Like a bulldog with mayonnaise dripping out of its mou...

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We should have known that this year was going to look like ass

After all hind sight is 2020



Edited from my previous post

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

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Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

What does a Trump voter in the hood look like?

It’s impossible to know, that’s why they wear them.

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

I started a business selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

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Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neigh...

"Esrowneve" may look like gibberish...

...but when you spell it backward, it's even worse.

People tell me I look like my dad.

He’s blind too :(

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A man got a haircut that made him look like a penis.

Between you and me, that guy's a real dickhead.

In high school we were learning about cells by examining our own cheek cells under a microscope. One girl was confused because her cheek cells didn't look like the diagram in the book. The teacher went over to take a look and said

Those are sperm cells

Someone told me I look like a Greek god:

Incredibly vain, melodramatic fool who’s parents are probably siblings.

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A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your butt is starting to look like and old washing machine."

She ignores him and keeps on walking.
Later that night, he is getting frisky and feeling her up. She turns around and tells him,

"Sorry your load is too small for this old washing machine, better do it by hand."

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My Wife Says I Look Like A Young Adolf Hitler...

Guess Im Just NotSee-ing it.

What does a website for orphans look like?

Pretty empty, there’s not even a homepage.

How did Epstien's killers make it look like a suicide?

They used A LOT of coverup

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like...

But I'm sure the mass will be the same.

I have always had eye glasses. I was curious to see what I would look like with them off. So I took them off and looked in the mirror.

As it turns out, I can't see myself without them.

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

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