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Little Jokes

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

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One day in class, the teacher calls on Little Johnny...

... and asks him to tell the class a story with a moral in it.


So Johnny says, “One day at the farm, a chicken and horse were playing together. The horse falls into quicksand, and he implores the chicken to go get the farmer. He can’t find him anywhere, so he jumps into his BMW, backs i...

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

Little Johnny & the Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Litt...

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It's a little known fact that most vacuums are gay

They're always coming out of the closet

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Father and little boy go fishing

After an hour fishing, dad cracks open a beer. Little boy looks up at his dad with wonder and asks for a sip. Dad says "Well Son, that depends. Can your dick reach your asshole?"


Little boy says "No."


Dad tells him "Some day it will. That's the day you can have a beer." And...

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald's...

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich.

"No, no, that's fine," says the old man, "We share everything."

So the old man start...

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Little Johnny and his Ranch

Little Johnny was a rancher. He owned cattle, horses, and things all of the sort. One day, a black SUV had pulled up. An FBI agent got out of the car.

"Are you little Johnny?"

"Yessir."

"I'm here to investigate a murder. Someone was killed down the road, you mind if I take a pee...

Little Johnny doing Math

The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

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A little lad asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs.

"It's because you are so naughty" she tells him.

"Well,..." he replies, "...having seen grandma, you must have been a right twat."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

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Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.

He asked the class if anybody could use the word beautiful in a sentence. Little Jane put up her hand and said “today is a b-b-b-beautiful day“. Excellent said the teacher.

Little Sally put up her hand and said “my mom says I look beautiful in a summer dress“. Great job said the teacher.
...

On a blind date, the girl told me, “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Me: I’m terrible with dates.

Her: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine so far.

Me: Christmas is on July 4th.

A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight

He tells her, “Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won’t try anything else.”

The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it’s full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.

She replies, “It’s n...

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

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One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest ...

And she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with its ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.

She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf gri...

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts...

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus…

…but geometry is where I draw the line.

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A little girl gets a bike for Christmas one year.

All excited, she immediately takes the bike out to ride it.

A cop passing by says to the little girl, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and sa...

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Little Timmy goes to chernobyl

He sees a butterfly and asks "Mr butterfly, is this chernobyl?"

The butterfly replies
"Yes."

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A teacher asks Little Johnny, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

A teacher asks Little Johnny, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel thr...

What happened when Mary had a little lamb?

The doctor fainted.

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A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish

Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street

And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.

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Little Johnny went to the liquor store

and asked to buy a bottle of whisky. The store owner told Johnny that there was no way that he could sell him a bottle of whisky.

Little Johnny says, "Its not for me, it is for my father. And well, I am not supposed to tell you this but it is for medicinal purposes - it works as a laxative f...

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Me: "When we were little, my brothers and I used to play Russian roulette." Friend: "You don't have any brothers."

Me: "Right."

Tickled my little sisters foot last night and mom went crazy about it…

Something about waiting until she’s born

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

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A little boy sitting in an aeroplane looks out of the window and asks his mother...

"If big ducks have small ducklings and big cats have small kitties, why don't big planes have small planes?"

The exasperated mother tells her son to ask this question to an airhostess.

The boy calls for an airhostess and asks, "If big ducks have small ducklings and big cats have small ...

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

What do little shops become at full moon?

Werehouses

Why didn’t the little boy eat the cheese?

He was scared of Muensters.

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Little known fact...

The first time whale semen was studied by a marine biologist was actually at the request of one particular sperm cell. The following conversation took place.

Sperm: I just want to be taken seriously. I think that reproductive cells are an easy target for crude humor made by the mindless immat...

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Little Billy.

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in it's ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what? screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn...

Why a cat can't open a door that is a little bit open?

Because it's a jar and cats can't open them either

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

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My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

Why was the woodman able to save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma so quickly?

Because he knew "Inside every wolf there are two people..."

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

What did the mother buffalo say to her little boy as he left for school?

Bison!

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor. An older woman approaches her and asks
"I thought that Barbie came with Ken, not Thor?"

The little girl replies

"Nope. She comes with Thor. She just fakes it with Ken"

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Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment

Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment so he went to his dad Mr. Igor for help.

Dad: what is this assignment about?

Little Igor: teacher asks us to write a sentence with the words country, party, people and citizen. And I don't know what these words mean.

Dad: you s...

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

What does President Erdogan have in common with Little Miss Muffet?

They both have Kurds in their whey

A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien

For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.

This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.

A Man Walks Into a Bar with His Little Dog...

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "25 bucks says this dog can talk!"

Bartender says, "I'll take that bet. Make it quick."

Man looks at the dog and points upward. "What's the name of this thing over our head keeps the rain out?"

Dog barks, ...

Why did Little Miss Muffet buy a GPS for her tuffet?

Because she kept losing her whey.

One day in class, little Johnny asked to go to the bathroom.

The teacher said, “First recite your ABCs.”

So Johnny said, “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

The teacher asked, “Where’s your P?”

And Johnny replied, “Halfway down my pants.”

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

My wife has been penciling in her eyebrows lately… I think that she draws them a little high, so I told her.

She just looked at me surprised

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

A little boy is born, and has only his head

He lives like this for years, until one Christmas, he finds a torso under the tree.

He says “Mom! Do you think next year Santa will bring me some arms?”

“He just might.” She replies.

The next year, sure enough, there’s a pair of arms under the tree.

Again the boy asks his...

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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Little Johnny.

Teacher talking to little Johnny, I think your grammar is terrible.


Johnny replies.

Well I think your Grandad is a cunt.

My buddy said I need to "get out more, stop messing around with computers and find a woman", but little does he know, I'm about to date a really hot ~20 year old server.

It's a Generation 6 Dell PowerEdge 1650 that I had to turn off because it burnt my rug and my best estimate is that it was made circa 2002.

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Little Johnny.

A teacher walks into her classroom to greet her first grade students.

"Good morning, class." the teacher said, smiling and observing her students.Before going to the chalkboard to begin the day, she notices little Johnny in the back of the classroom, wriggling around and desperately trying to...

What did little Abdhul say to his Mom after he was caught stealing the second time?

"Look Ma, no hands!"

Little Johnny's trip to the zoo left him breathless

and the boa constrictor euthanized.

A man goes to the bank to apply for a loan

The banker says okay, but I'll need some information first. What do you do for a living?

The man says he's a dentist.

A fine profession! And are you married?

Yes.

And what does your wife do for a living?

Well, it's a little hard to say....

I must know if you...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

A priest is walking down the street when he sees a little girl trying to reach a door knocker that is high-up on a front door.

"Let me help," he says, knocking on the door. "Now is there anything else I can do?"

"Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."

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Little Johnny and Baseball

Once a man having an affair unexpectedly finds the husband returning earlier than expected, He ends up hiding in the closet, where, unfortunately for him, little Johnny is also hiding.

Johnny: “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Want to b...

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well b...

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

Pope died and arrived in heaven

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catho...

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

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Little Johnny....

Mr Wilkins stepped out into his back yard, and heard sobbing sounds coming from over the fence next door.

Curious, he looked over and saw young Johnny, eyes puffed up and tear stains on his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with his plastic spade.

"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inq...

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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My partner and I had sex for seven days and seven nights.

I was a little sore, but it made her whole week!

When I was little, I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see the electricity bill, i'm scared of the lights.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Little johnny

Mary was friends with little johnny. She would often play with him after the school hours.

One day, Mary was talking to her grandma about one wierd thing that little johnny always did on the way back from school.

M : "Each day when we pass a certain tree, little johnny throws his scho...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

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Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ‘ass’ and I’ll say ‘hell.’”

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast. “Aw, hell,” says the eight-y...

Little Timmy and Little Mandy were playing together at the kindergarten.

Timmy says to Mandy, “When we’re older, let’s get married!”

Mandy turns to him and says, “I’m sorry Timmy, I like you and all, but I’m not allowed to marry you.”

“Why not?” asks Timmy.

“Because in my family, we have a tradition of only marrying each other. It’s gone back generat...

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

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Little Johnny and politics

Little Johnny asks his dad: "*Dad, what is politics?*"

The dad replies: "*Let me give you an example: I'm the capitalist because I bring home the money; your mother is the government because she manages the money; the maid is the working class, while you are the people and your sister is the ...

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then...

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

I started a service to deliver groceries to little old ladies.

It's called Spinstacart.

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

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A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish, why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."

Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"

Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

We have a beautiful little girl

who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Little Johnny joke.

During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.

A friend asks: "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"

Johnny replies: "I got a ticket from my sister."

The friend asks: "And where is your sister?"

Johnny says: ...

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...

What do rich people say when tickling their little kids?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.

Why did the pirate go ashore?

For a little R & R, matey.

A timid little man was terrified of flying, and was on a long distance trip.

He was on his first ever flight, and he had the window seat. Besides him sat a giant man, heavily tattooed, and not smelling the cleanest.

After the plane took off, the timid little fellow soon found himself feeling sick. But he didn't know how to get past the large fellow that sat between ...

This one is a little tasteless, so be forewarned.

Water.

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

Elton John got his pet rabbit a treadmill for Xmas.

It's a little fit bunny.

What's the difference between a blowtorch and a bic?

The bic is a little lighter

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night...

"Golly!" says the little boy. "It sure is dark and scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

Little known fact, cowboys don’t roll joints...

They tumble weed...

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

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The little fire fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat....

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