Little Billy came home from school...

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the ai...

Little Johnny was running behind for his weekly trip to the prostitute

When he got there, she said

"Eh Jack! You late!"

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because Dshells were too big.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't beca...

My little sister is WAY into frozen too much

I told her to let it go

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

He keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, "What if your mom was a...

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little eddy

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school.

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out...

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom;

in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was bored in class...

The teacher asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence.

"Walk!" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now.

"I always walk to school in the morning!"

She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence.

"Teaching!" The teacher says ...

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Litt...

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: OK

Dentist: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

A man gets out of jail

A man gets out of jail and is telling about his first day to a friend.

"So I came to my cell on my first day and there was this big scary dude, almost the size of our bed. He looked at me with his tough look and told me to either jump off the jail balcony, or take it in the ass."

The f...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

Little Johnny was 5 years old and born blind.

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

Little Johnny’s teacher

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious...

Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a little girl was watching cartoon when a porno came through

The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake." Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out And the girl said "Look mommy they are baking a cake!" The next day the girl says "Mommy you and Daddy were baking a cake la...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

Did you guys hear about that psychic little person who robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny comes home from school one day...

and he says to his mother, "I had sex with a teacher today."

His mother is mortified and replies, "I think you had better tell your father and see what he has to say about that!"

So Johnny goes into the other room and says "Dad, I had sex with a teacher today."

"Well good for yo...

This is the first time in 5 years of using this site I remembered that it's my cake day. Im using this post to see the little cake emoji on it. That is all. ( included joke to qualify )

A man walks into a bar. He says ow.Thank you.

What did they call Batman when he was little?

Lil Wayne

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

​

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

​

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) No one was too upset about being on a flight with two female pilots, just a little surprised...

None of them had ever seen a plane with three cockpits before.

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."

A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."

The boy looks at hi...

I’ve been dating a little lately!

She hates when I call her that, but I’m not sure what else to call someone who is 4 feet tall.

I was on a date with this girl yesterday who said to me "Your like the strong silent type, I like that" Little does she know

I have autism

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

The other day I took my grandad to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having him buried in the cemetery.

What do you call a flower that loves little flowers

A Petalfile

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl looks into her closet and talks to the monster that lives in there.....

She asks him "Closet Monster, when are you ever going to come out of the closet?"
The monster replies "How many times must I tell you? I'm not gay!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy was doing maths homework, saying to himself... 2+5, the son of bitch is 7

3+6, the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked, "What r u doing?"
Boy: "Doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

Boy: "Yes"

Infuriated mother called the teacher:
Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son...

Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

Little Billy...

...walks through the village with a cow.

The priest sees him and asks: "Billy, where are you going with that cow?"

"To the bull.", Billy replies.

The priest looks shocked: "What? Why doesn't your father do that?"

Billy with disgust: "Nope, this is always done by the bull....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

A couple had two mischievous little boys, aged 8 and 10. To teach them some manners, the parents contacted a clergyman who had been successful in rehabilitating bad children in the past.

The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. The 8 year old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

​

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

There was once a 10 year old little boy

Riding his blue bicycle in his mountain town. He hears a strange, unfamiliar bell coming from the top of the nearby mountain. He decides to investigate the next day. He wakes up extra early at 7am and begins his summit to find the bell. He arrives at the top of the mountain after a long 12 hour bike...

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." His mother...

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Five little monkeys

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening...

She runs to her mum and says:

"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1 ,2 ,3 ,4 ,5 ,6 ,7 ,8 ,9 ,10! I'm smart aren't I?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was little, my Mom would always tell me: "If something's hot, blow on it."

On a side note, I just got arrested for sexual harassment today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ H...

If only aids was a little bit more like a salmon

If we’d smoke it, it would be cured

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I heard KFC is sponsoring the cock fighting little league.

Can’t wait to see those chick contenders.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended...

At a costume party- Guy: What are you? Girl: I’m a Harp Guy: that looks a little big to be a harp.

Girl: Are you calling me a Lyre?

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.



‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’



The driver finally f...

Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Jimmy is playing with his trainset while his mom is in the kitchen.

The trains just chugging along and stops at the first station.
Little Jimmy says “Welcome to station one! Mothafuckas getting off, get off. Mothafuckas stayin on, stay on”
Jimmys mom hears from the kitchen, comes and yells at him, “JIMMY! If I hear you talk like that again you’ll go in timeou...

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and...

A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.”

Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question.

The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.”

The co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a Twinkie. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 6 year old little boy was sitting at the dinner table with his family.

He had never spoken his entire life, despite years of speech-therapy and other efforts from his parents.

He starts eating his dinner, suddenly stops, and looks right at his mom.

“You burnt the fucking beans”. He said

His parents couldn’t believe their ears.

“Johnny!! Yo...

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Where was little Suzy after the explosion?

Everywhere.

(From my mom) What's better than little quizzies

Big Testies

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.

&#x200B;

“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”

&#x200B;

“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

&#x200B;

The prosecutor repl...

Little Debbie doesnt have a friend with benefits....

She has a Nutty Buddy

The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him.

In the end we split the deferens.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest ...

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great J...

My little brother told me this one

“Why do ducks have feathers?” He says grinning through his teeth

“Why?”


“To cover there But-Quacks!” He says absolutely dyeing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This happened in a little town in Northern Saskatchewan. Even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

Harry was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy Halloween night. The night was getting darker and the rain came harder, and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly Harry saw a car come toward him and stop.

Without ...

You shouldn't call dwarves "little people"

It's belittling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went onto the Megan’s law website for the first time and found one of my little league coaches on that site as a registered sex offender.

And all these years I thought it was normal to be measured by hand for cup size.

Little Johnny attended a horse..

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying hors...

A pilot, a boy, a rich businessman, and an old man are on a little plane.

Suddenly the plane has an engine failure, and the pilot says:

“We have to jump, but there are only three parachutes on the plane, so you guys better decide who’s going to have to sacrifice themselves!”

Then he takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The business man says:

“I’m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed gla...

What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. J...

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

I just watched a reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world, and was a little disappointed.

The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.

What do little kids call trail mix?

M&M’s with *obstacles*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was circumcised they accidentally took a little extra off.

They ended up using it as skin grafts for a pair of twin's eyelids.

Now I'm getting sued by the parents because they're a little cock-eyed.

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

Where do little ships come from?

From berthing canals.

A little girl goes to the violin teacher

When she opens the violin case, there is no violin but a tommy gun in it. The teacher is shocked, but the little girl is just giggling.

“What so funny about this? “ the teacher askes her terrified.

“You see, now my father is trying to rob the bank with a violin!”

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So I met this smoking hot lady once and after a little chat, she takes her top off

Things were going great, she let me cup her tits, but the second I started sucking on her nipples she says “I’m getting my mammogram done somewhere else”

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually, she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted...

Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?

They have very little patients.

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

One night a little boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom...

Shocked and surprised the mom jumps off of the dad, throws on a robe and ushers the boy out telling him to go back to bed.

Embarrassed and distraught the next day the mom tries to explain to the boy what was happening. She says "son have you noticed how your daddy's belly has been getting big...

There's a little known legend about Attila the hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

My mom was telling my little brother about the food she ordered....

she said it had a middle eastern flavor to it. I then said said “He doesn’t even know what that means!” To which he replied, “Yes I do, it just means there’s a bomb in it.”

While teaching a class

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by sayin...

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What does a little cezars pizza and a pornstar have in common?

They are both hot and ready.

After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars...

if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."...

when I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be will I be pretty? will I be rich? hear what she said to me.

SON WE NEED TO TALK.

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Little Jonny was at school and his best mate Timmy had a new watch.

Jonny asked where he got it and Timmy said “last night I walked into my parents room and they were naked on the bed having sex, my dad gave me his watch and said
“TAKE THIS AND GET OUT”.

Little Jonny wanted a new watch too so that night he decided to go into his parents room to try and ca...

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

It's a little known fact that Genghis Khan had a brother.

Unfortunately his brother had a terrible skin condition and was banished from his people. Eventually he ended up in Ireland where he was known as Leper Kahn.

Little Audrey was sitting on the porch next to her little brother

She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

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A german jumped into freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he handed the dog to me and said "here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine". I asked "are you a vet?" He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking"

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Little Timmy went to a brothel.

Behind him, he dragged a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the nearest employee and says "I'd like to sleep with one of your girls today."

"Sure kid, do you have any preferences?" The employee replied.

"Yes.. I'd like to sleep with which ever girl has the most diseases."

Sho...

A bunch of little devils comes to see the U.S. president.

He’s scared; “What do you want?” he asks them. “You know that Stalin died and went to hell?” the devils say. “Well, we’re the first refugees.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...