UPJOKE
oftenvery muchmoresomelottoosuchquitemostverypracticallylotsmanyuntoldovermuch

Much Jokes

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said sex was much better on vacation.

That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're actually pretty light.

A man asked how much half a head of lettuce costs.

A guy is working at a grocery store when a man approaches him, asking how much half a head of lettuce costs. After some arguing, the worker goes to his manager and says, "Boss, some jackass wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

They turn around and see that the customer has followed them to ...

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...

Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
A...

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.

She replied, "Wear your own, then."

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.


It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge"

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks. "Fucking lovely" she replies

"But the discharge is in my ear!!!!

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men love blow jobs so much?

It's the only way to get inside of a womans head!!

This pretty much sums up the eighties

80 + 81 + 82 + 83 + 84 + 85 + 86 + 87 + 88 + 89 = 845

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never worry about paying too much for Viagra

Either way you are getting stiffed

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It’ll still be stationery.

What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Steve Jobs would have been a much better president than Donald Trump

But its a silly comparison really, like comparing apples to oranges.

How much do pirates charge for corn?

A buck-an-ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

A man enters a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
The man replies, “That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

How much street cred do astronauts have?

Zero, G!

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

My kids began ignoring me so much that I feel invisible...

Now I identify as trans-parent.

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

A man once hated himself so much that he...

took it personally.

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loved his girlfriend Wendy so much

that he tatooed her name along the side of his erect penis. But when soft, you could only see the WY.

One day in an airport restroom, he noticed a man at the next urinal with a noticeable WY on his member. The first man stretched his penis out and said "hey, you must have a girlfriend named...

Why do Scotsmen drink so much?

To slur their speech enough to do the accent.

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How much for a dance?" I asked the stripper on the stage.

"£20," she said.

I pulled out £50 and gave it to her.

"How come you're so generous?" she winked.

I said, "Just in case I break the pole."

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

That pretty much sums up the 70s

70+71+72+73+74+75+76+77+78+79 = 745

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

Doctor: The problem with you is that you sit too much during the day.

Patient: I understand.

Doctor: That’s exactly right.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How come all the old romances focus so much on anal? NSFW

The boy always gets the girl in the end.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much tip do I give a prostitute?

All of it if she is brave.

Why does nothing much change in the Shire?

Force of hobbit.

How much a pirate charge for piercings?

A buccaneer.

(Although if you ask me, that's two deer)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: ...

A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party.

He was heading home and was pulled over by a state trooper.


Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to m...

Why do men think twice as much and women talk twice as much?

Because men were born with 2 heads and women were born with 4 lips.

*sorry if a repost, I searched 1st*

Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery never had much luck on a busy bus.

"Mind if I shit there?"

I don't know much about psychology or sociology

But I reckon I can explain the Dunning-Kruger effect better than anyone else.

How much a civil engineer earns?

Enough to make lands meet.

Why does Cerberus like the underworld so much?

Because of the Styx

I love my wife so much...

That if we were an a sinking boat, and there was only one life jacket, I would really miss her and think of her a lot.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

How much of northern Canada is livable?

*Nunavut*

How much lead is safe to eat

It depends on the velocity

How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?

Won Ton

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.