I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

Me: How much to buy the singing ensemble?

Person: You mean a choir?

Me: Fine, how much to acquire the singing ensemble?

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

I think if we just took this time to discuss the uselessness of the letter z in the English language, the world would be a much better place.

Thank you for coming to my zed talk.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

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3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

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Roses are red, that much is true

but violets are purple, NOT FUCKING BLUE!!!

A neutron walked into a bar and asked the bartender. "how much for a beer?'

The bartender said: "for you, no charge."

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A Buck-an-ear

How much does a pirate charge to pierce ears?

A-buck-an-ear

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Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

I was drinking coffee in the morning while reading about this condemned killer who was executed last night. When I read the part about how all the lights in the execution chamber when out because the electric chair pulled so much power, I had a bitter taste in my mouth.

Must've been a dark roast.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

All these "Don't pay too much for [x]" Wikibuy/Honey ads are really convincing.

They convinced me to download Adblocker.

My woman left me because I spend too much time on reddit

Little did she know when she sent the break up text that I already read it

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

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A guy walks up to a woman and asks "How much?"

She is repulsed. "Excuse me?! Who the fuck do you think you are? Do I look like a prostitute?!"

The guy replies, "What? No! That's not what I meant at all!"

The woman calms down. "Oh. Well okay then. What did you mean by that?"

The guy says "I meant how much *do you weigh*?"

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

Women call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops

They're torus traps

How much time does Trump need to fix a problem?

It's too early to tell.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

However much you push the envelope,

it’s still stationary.

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I had so much fun yesterday, I fucked this girl cross eyed

I mean she was cross eyed before we had sex anyway but still.

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

Parallel lines have so much in common

Its a shame that they will never meet

How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?

Toucans

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

If I’m guilty of anything; it’s caring too much...

**judge:** No, it’s armed robbery.

**me: [slams fist on table]** about money!

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus.

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Me: there’s too much crying in this episode of Naked and Afraid

Girlfriend: this is our sex tape..

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

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How much milk do these cows give?

Probably copy and paste from somewhere. Posted it on FB years ago. Always makes me laugh.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interview...

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Kids swearing too much

*I was just reminded of this joke from my high school years. I haven't seen it here but apologies in advance if it was posted in the past.*

A mother is frustrated with three boys constantly swearing, so she tells them that there will be harsh consequences for cursing starting tomorrow. The ne...

Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is

That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show.

Being married taught me so much about myself

That only my wife seems to know

My girlfriend complained about me never telling her how much I love her

It's just I don't want to disappoint her

How much room does fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible

"You can run as much as you want, but you are never gonna hide from me"

said the guy staring at the girl on a treadmill.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

Man: "Can you tell me how much it is to rent a church singing group?

Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"

Man: Sure, Father, sure. Can you tell me how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

As much as these Karens talk about their essential oils

They sure do want nonessential businesses to reopen

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

Don’t die, there is so much to live for...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheis...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

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I’ve been jerking off so much I bought a pocket pussy.

Things are really getting out of hand.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

Ever since I got cloned, my wife has said I spent too much time with him. Today, the clone and I were sat in the lounge watching TV, when my wife came in and told me that she was leaving.

I was beside myself.

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Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life...

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

How much humour does a woman of the church have?

Nun

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My girlfriend says I'm cheesy when I say I love her to much

So I asked her if I'm her snack that smiles back.

This is a real interaction and im very proud I came up with it on the spot.

The other day I found out that I have hearing problems. I also found out that I’ve gained too much weight to fit into my favorite shirt. I went to talk to my dietician friend who gave me a piece of advice and a pamphlet.

I followed her advice, but now I’m stuck here with a tie dye shirt that still doesn’t fit and a pamphlet on “dieting and weight loss tips”.

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For BB King's birthday his wife wanted to give him something very special. BB, as famous as he was, already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness.

BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt in such a way that a "B" is on each buttcheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, and that he'll see a very, very special name, she proceeded to bend over and p...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Studying for the test.

The world is missing out on so much laughter...

Now that people are only sharing inside jokes.

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Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I exaggerate things way too much

But what do I care? I literally have a million girls texting me daily.

Corona virus is much like pasta

Invented by the Chinese.

Spread by the Italians.

“Hey honey, how much of that Indian flatbread is there leftover?”

Naan.

How much does it cost to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

Why was I charged so much for eating chips?

The casino man said he'd never seen anything quite like it

Mum has always said the linen looks much tidier if towels are folded in half before being curled up..

..I guess that's just how she rolls.

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

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Why do Brits love anal sex so much?

They've always been into colonialism.

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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.

“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.

“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”

The desk taps one of its legs on t...

Coronavirus is much older than we knew

My great great grandparents came West in a Covid wagon

If schools stay closed much longer

I’m worried we’re going to start seeing homeschool shootings soon.

"Crystal ball, how much time do I have before I die?"

"Five..." said the image on the crystal ball

"Five what? Years? Days? Decades?"

"Four... Three..."

Had a convo with my mom who doesn't know much about pop culture.

Mom: HEYY!!

Me: hey

Mom: I need a favor.

Me: WTF

Mom: what do you mean by WTF?

Me: What's The Favor

How much fun can you have with communism?

Ours of fun

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

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Having too much sex causes memory loss

Or at least that what page 17 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

I’ve suffered from so much racist abuse today, with people yelling at me to “go home” and “go back where you came from.”

It really spoiled my giant get-together with all my friends in the park.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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My dad told me you would go blind if you jerked off too much...

I said “Dad, I’m over here!”

I hate spelling errors so much.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

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Why do people have so much sex in campsites?

Because it's fucking in tents.

whats grey and doesn't even weigh much?

Light Grey

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

What's the wifi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first.

**Me:** Okay, I'll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure. How much is that?

**Bartender:** $3

**Me:** There you go. So, what's the wifi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No...

Dating is much easier since the lock down started.

Zero effort.

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My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

I miss baseball so much...

I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.
Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...

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As much as I liked that rectal fever thermometer app on the iPhone...

... on the iPad it's a fucking pain in the ass.

How can the Easter bunny afford so much candy?

It's so rich that all of its meals are 24 karat

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I have so much toilet paper

I literally wipe my ass with it.

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

I’ve washed my hands so much

That I uncovered a cheat sheet from the sixth grade.

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One day my mom knocked the bathroom's door asking why i was taking so much time in there

I said: I'm jerking off and smoking pot!




And she was like: thank God. I tought you were wasting water.

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Why are people buying so much toilet paper for the corona virus

Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves

How much does a pile of bones weigh?

A skeleton

Omg you look so much better without your glasses!

Omg what are the odds! You look so much better without my glasses too!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

What do you call a turkey that shows too much cleavage?

A fowl temptress.

How much toilet paper you have now determines your social status

How Charmin

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

I know why there is so much incest in Alabama.

Since you can’t serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody

I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

There was a protest going on in my town about how there is too much trash on the streets.

Litter rally.

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

In much of the world...

...there’s more fishing than there was 5 years ago. In some of the world, there’s less. But there’s been a net increase.

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

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