How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

"you mean a choir?"

Fine... How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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Why does Japan love 2D girls so much?

A lot of bad things happened when they were the third Axis.

Why do people love whiteboards so much?

They're just remarkable

My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

How much do prosthetics cost?

An arm and a leg.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much

What a stupid thing to fallout 4

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

Nothing. He steals it.

How much space will be freed when British leave the EU?

1GB

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

I HATE THE SECOND LETTER OF THE ALPHABET SO MUCH THAT I AM PROTESTING!!

Say it with me!

BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!

Postal service jokes don't need much setup

It's all in the delivery

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

How much space will open up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

What do you call a man who had too much to drink?

A cab :)

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

How much should a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

My wife was giving me a hard time about drinking too much over the weekend. I finally agreed to quit cold turkey.

I don't much care for leftovers anyway.

How much deeper would the ocean be if

sponges didn’t live there?

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

A man had too much to drink...

He was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at two in the morning?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to ...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

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My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. ‘£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams…’

I said ‘Look grandad, you just popped round I didn’t fucking invite you’

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo?

No one rhymes with orange.

I love my six pack so much,

I protect it with a layer of fat.

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you.

Well not a grizzly bear because
they have claws, and not a panda bear
because they know Kung Fu... But a
care bear, I'd definitely fight a care
bear for you.

Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays?

Inflation.

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Robert Downey Jr. got so rich from the MCU that he doesn't need to do much anymore.

So now he is just gonna Dolittle.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

"Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”

“Great. Then I’ll have a refill."

Why do pirates love Reddit so much?

Everything starts with “R” followed by a slash.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one Pence

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I don't know why people care so much about small children seeing naked breasts

I mean, a few years ago, those kids were staring at breasts full-time!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

How much food do you leave on the table at a good Indian restaurant?

Naan

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

How much is an exorcism?

I need a loan but if I don't pay it back I'll get repossessed!

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Why are female orgasms so much different from men's?

Because their O varies.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

It's no wonder women love chocolate so much. Their pronouns give it away.

Her/she

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Guy is fed up that his girlfriend spreads her legs during the night, taking so much space in bed.

"I read that if you keep doing that, all your guts are going to come out during the night", he says
\- no way, you're talking bullshit...

Some time passes. Guy's so fed up, he goes to a butcher and buys all kinds of animal intestines and puts it between the gf legs while she's asleep, ri...

Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they will never meet.

Barber took too much of the top...

I went in saying "Just some off the top"

He must have not understood, because I left circumcised.

I still gave him a good tip.

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I jerk off in the shower so much

I get a hard on when it rains

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

A paraplegic gave a moving presentation on how much he misses using his legs

He received a standing ovation

How much room do you need to make a fungus?

As mushrooms as possible

How much is a Brazilian?

6 because 7-1

Man: Hey! How much is your consultation fee? Lawyer : $100- for 3 questions.

Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?

Lawyer : Yes, now what is your third question.

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In an old age home, 80 year old Rustomji: I miss Sex life so much.

76 year old Dina: How can I help?
Rustomji: I'd feel good if you could just hold my dick.
So Dina held his dick, and they kept talking all night.
This continued every night for two weeks.
Then one day Dina saw Rustomji with another old lady holding his dick.
Dina furiously asked: Y...

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

I’ve found out why I get downvoted so much

I’m just a hit in Australia.

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

How much energy does it take to make a bathroom smell good?

About 3 Juuls

The wife complained Hunting season keeps us separated to much.

So I agreed to take her along for the deer hunt.

Took her to a nice tree stand. Told her" you can shoot a buck or a doe. It doesn't matter

I'm going about 100 yds that way"

No more than got to my spot when I heard BANG BANG BANG. So I rushed to where I left my wife, only to find...

Don't worry too much about Net Neutrality!

Spending extra dollars to use some websites will give you a "sense of pride and accomplishment"!

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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

My friend used to boast about how much super glue he could eat

He now keeps his mouth shut

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I took so much camp counsellor dick

I got a woodworking badge

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

John is going to be married to a woman he had loved so much

On their honeymoon the woman said "I'm sorry I kept this a secret but I was Christian before" John then said "Whatever your religion is, I don't care as long as I love you" the woman then explained "No, my name is Christian before, now I'm Christine"

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright?

-it's just too much pressure

My colleague finally joined a support group for people who talk way too much

It's called On and On Anon

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

How much money is stored in an ATM?

80M

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

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I asked a Hooker once as to how much she gets paid for an Anal.

She said $1000.


I felt bad for my Wife. She doesn't even get a warning.

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

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I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

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I decided to calculate how much semen I've ejaculated in my lifetime...

I figure the average male ejaculates 3ml of fluid every time, based on an internet source.

I then figure I started at age 12, and then I guessed my daily average discharge rate would be around 2 times per day in my lifetime since age 12, and I am now 30.

So, doing some math, I've come ...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

Words and phrases can change so much over time

‘Black market’ meant something entirely different 200 years ago.

My brother tried to argue that earthquakes are much worse than volcanoes because volcanoes are cool.

I shook my head and told him his argument is on shaky ground.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

The doctor asked me "How much do you drink?"

Me - About 5-6 drinks

Doc - Oh. That's slightly more per week, but ok

Me - Ah, per week, then about 30

Doc - 30 beers per week?! That is too much!

Me - Oh. I have to count beers too?

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Why is working at the abortion clinic so much fun?

They bring out the kid in you.

If you like Saturn so much

Then why don’t you become an astrophysicist and engineer, study it in depth, design new craft to fly there and examine the planet, write multiple research papers, give regular talks and become the worlds leading expert on Saturn.

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How much semen is in the average ejaculation?

A whole fuckload

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

How much cake do you feed a snake?

Only a slither

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Masturbating too much leads to two things

Loss of memory and something else…

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