Makes Jokes - 72 Hilarious Makes Jokes

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,

wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pineapple makes your semen taste better

The reverse is not true.

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"

The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time...

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

Beer makes you smarter

Well, it made Budweiser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.

Laughing the boss agrees.

The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.

The boss angrily gives him the $500.

The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.

The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake...

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What job makes the biggest assholes?

Gay porn stars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.

...come to think of it....

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adblock makes you unattractive to women...

I just installed it and now all the horny single women in my area have lost interest in me.

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband if her outfit makes her butt look fat

The husband asks “Do you promise not to get mad, no matter what I say?”

She says ok

He says “I ate all your chocolate and fucked your mother”

My neighbor, who makes tennis equipment, makes me want to move out.

He is ALWAYS making racket.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory....

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair.

That only leaves the man with 30c.

It’s the World Series, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the field.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks the old man on the other side of the empty seat if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the old man. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a s...

If a white bird makes white babies and a black bird makes black babies, what bird makes no babies?

A swallow

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What makes a Pirate angry?

When someone steals their P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak

Title that makes you click the post

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lorena Bobbitt makes getaway

While leaving the scene of her infamous revenge, Lorena discovers that she is still gripping the disconnected member of that cheating ba***rd. She flings it out the car window into oncoming traffic.

Unfortunately it slaps against the windshield of a mom and young daughter.

Mom, !! Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need".

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What makes a rainbow so special?

It’s on the spectrum

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Study finds what makes a perfect sandwich.

Your mom after sex!

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

An astronaut makes coffee

It's an astronaut's first day on the ISS and he's making himself a cup of coffee. He says to a colleague:

"Huh I can't find the milk"

And the other astronaut replies:

"In space no one can, here, use cream"

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy

but socially dead.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil...

Crematoriums.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.