How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your house back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back, and you get out of jail.

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

I always get really hung up on the topic of abortion...

Like, on the one hand I love the idea of killing babies, but on the other hand I hate women having rights!!!

They’re all kinds of weird fetishs out there. Some people even get off on graphing.

Thats where I draw the line.





I’ll see myself out.

Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

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Tourism ad for Holland: Come, have sex and get stoned.

Below that
Tourism ad for Saudi Arabia: Ditto

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Where do you go for sex if you can't get a girl or pay for prostition?

The Catholic Church is always available for baptism

[At auto store] Salesman: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 brand new tires?

Me: Sir, you are really overestimating my strength.

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After deliberating for a long time, Kanye finally decided that Kim can no longer get new butt injections.

He's putting a cap on that ass.

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

What prize do you get for a really good knock knock joke?

A Nobel prize.

Epstein didnt get enough credit as a businessman

He really captured the youth market.

Where are you most likely to get a flat tyre.

When there's a fork in the road.

If the early bird gets the worm, what does the early worm get?

Away...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

What did Donnie ask to get for Christmas?

I want nothing.

I want nothing.

Just tell McConnell to do the right thing.

Why should you always get extra asparagus when going to the store?

So you always have *a-spare-i-guess*


I’ve made variations of this joke to my wife every time she’s bought, cooked or mentioned asparagus.

She’s leaving me.

A man is on a flight getting ready to watch a movie

A flight attendant walks up to him and asks, "Would you like some headphones?" He replies, "Of course I do, but how did you know my name is Phones?"

She told me that if I wanted to be her lover, I had to get with her friends.

Unfortunately, she was a Redditor.

What do you get if you clone Jack Sparrow?

A pirate copy.

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.


"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.
...

I'm trying to guess Mick Jagger's reddit username, and I'm getting close.

It's just a stone's throwaway.

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A guy gets married and has no clue what to do in bed

So asks a friend for advice and he says:
Do what ever she does and you will figure it out naturally .


At night his wife comes to bed and starts undressing,
and based on friend advice he does the same.

Then she starts touching her breasts and biting her lips and he mimics he...

I like to get high at work

As a pilot, It really helps

What do you call an erection you get during a funeral

Mourning wood

A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into b...

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

A Red Shirt and a Storm Trooper get in a Fire Fight in a Hallway...

The Storm trooper misses every shot, but the Red shirt still dies.

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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.

The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices one day that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." Sh...

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

My town’s population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Why are you here??

An old man in the confessional goes like this:

"Well, Father, it happened so that I was driving in the country late at night when my banger gave up and broke down. It was dark, there was nobody around, I can't get my head around smartphones so I walked as far as the nearest settlement, went t...

How to get 5000 followers easily

Run through Africa with a water bottle

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A Guy sits down at a bar and orders one shot after another of whiskey.

Bartender- So, what's the big occasion tonight?

Guy- I'm celebrating my first blow job!

Bartender- That's great! But you need to slow down on the shots!

Guy- I can't, I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth

A bee is driving along the highway and sees a grasshopper looking for a lift

He pulls over to pick him up. After a 100km the car sputters and comes to stop. The bee looks at the fuel gauge, groans, and gets out and proceeds to pee into the fuel tank, gets back in the car and away they go.

The grasshopper is of course amazed after this happens 2 more times. Then in th...

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

God announced he was ready to create Man, but Satan came up with a scheme to mess with his plan

"God", said Satan. "Since Man is to be your crowning achievement, wouldn't you agree that when you introduce Man to Earth, it should be on a warm, sunny day to start with auspicious signs?"

God thought about it and he agreed. "Very well. I will create Man on the next warm, sunny day in Eden."...

Presidents

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:

– We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ...

– Here, In Russia, when P...

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

I believed my vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, it only changes the color of the baby.

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It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas ...

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A man wanted to fuck his neighbor

He went to the roof, pulled down his pants and directed his ass to the sun..

His neighbor saw him and asked him, "what are you doing?"

He answered, " i am getting sun rays into my body, so that it cleans me from the inside, and makes me smarter. "

The following day the neighbor ...

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

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The Ferret...

Man walks into a bar with a small wooden box, places it on the bar and orders a drink.

The barman asks “what’s in the box?”

“A ferret” the man replies

“Sorry sir but you need to leave, he could get out and bite one of my customers!”

“No, no he’ll be fine, he’s very well ...

I walked into the guitar shop & couldn't decide which plectrum to get

The guy at the counter: Why are you so picky?

Me: Don't come at me with that plucky attitude

Dad: Let's go home don't pick a fight

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flick...

Girls, beware of fats guys

They just want to get into your pantries

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Two 90 year old men love football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get ...

Where did Dr. Pepper get his M.D from?

University of Minnesoda

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

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There's a joke that you can only get if you ejaculate...

One day you might come to understand it.

So, Hillary Clinton does a presentation at a high school to inform youngsters about politics and encourage them to be more politically active and engage in the civil process more.

After she’s done, she invites people to form a line behind a microphone to ask questions to her. One little fifth grader, called Kennith, steps up to the plate.

“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.

“Kennith,” replies the boy.

Hillary asks, “What’s your question, Kennith?”

...

Why don't horses get elected to congress?

Because they are naysayers.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

Milk and quackers!

An American man has a heart attack at his home

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and they ask her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed. The woman is hysterical. "Ho...

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Epicly joke funny haha

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by,...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office?

He said a square word

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A man walks into a bar

As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone ...

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense

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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

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so the new boss is a total ass

doesnt like anyone. I see him standing one late evening by the shredder. staring at it. looking where the buttons are. struggling to see how it works. I decide to help him. get in his good books you know. I ask him can I help, he says yes please with puppy dog eyes. I put the stack of papers in the ...

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