A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”

​

“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”

​

The pastor consoled his w...

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?



Edit: I'm not removing the "Get it?" Part.

Thicc Sauce is Andre Segers

Another Edit: thanks for making "Get It" a meme <3

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Food has replaced sex in my life

Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.

The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.

She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.

please move to the back of...

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

Alone, I'm a loser

But together, we have schizophrenia.

I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the *hors*pital!

&#x200B;

Just kidding, they get shot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A white guy gets “Wendy” tattooed on his dick.

It only shows “Wy” when flaccid.

He goes on vacation to Jamaica. In the bathroom peeing, he glances over at a Jamaican guy next to him and sees “Wy” tattooed on his dick too.

He says, What a coincidence! Is your wife named Wendy too?

The Jamaican man notices the guy’s dick tat...

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat...

My friend is already on Stage 4

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

What does the cannibal get when he’s late for dinner

The cold shoulder

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.

It’s soda pressing.

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older"

Me "when I what? "

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!

&#x200B;

(*forgive me*)

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

&#x200B;

The h...

Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"

"Tell people you know their secret"

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't ...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers

So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex." She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple. When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."

The hu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Where do sheep go to get drunk?

a baaa

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a woman gets a vibrator

It's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

How do you get 1 million followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

A communist joke isn't funny

Unless everyone gets it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach

Miraculously, her and all 3 babies survived. She had 2 girls and 1 boy.

Years later one of the girls runs up to her mother in shock. "Mom mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"

Shocked, the woman explains the story of what happened while she was pregnant.

The next day, the ot...

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 stoners buy a horse

3 stoners buy a horse.

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you're afraid and you get a boner, I guess you could say you're..

Scared stiff

I’m gonna get downvoted for this one as it’s really inappropriate: Why can’t you gamble in Africa?

.
.
.
.
Too many Cheetahs.

I just recently decided to get a toilet brush.

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

Why do Chinese people get good grades in maths?

Because their dogs don't eat their homework

"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around"

Me: If you get pregnant, I won't stick around

Gf: Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago

Me: I mean it, mark my words!

What prize should the inventor of the knock knock jokes get?

The Nobell prize

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

He keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, "What if your mom was a...

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

Only 2010s kids will get this

Measles.

Thor doesn’t get tipsy

He’s always hammered.

A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.

The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

How do you get an old lady to say the f word?

You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”

How do you get a tree-hugger pregnant?

Cedar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

I dont get it

If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

why would you get naked in a fight?

because the penis' mightier than the sword

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't get why so many people talk down on male pornstars

These men are hard at work

My dad died this day last year because we didn’t know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying “be positive” but it was just so hard without him :/

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.

Jk, rolling.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

How did the anti-Vaxxer get drunk?

It wasn’t from shots.

I hate when bacteria gets into me without me knowing

It makes me sick!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curi...

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

Making fun of anti-vaxxers will never get old

Just like their kids.

Why did Brittany spears get called by CPS

She hit her baby one more time

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

My wife called me seductively and asked me if I can be naked when she gets home from work.

Now I’m sitting on the couch with my father-in-law like a moron.

Don't get confused between the testes and the urethra

There's a vas deferens between them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do drugs get into our prisons?

They’re probably smuggled in by some asshole.

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

What happens when you get a 69 on a test?

You get a D.

What do you get when you pahk ya cah in Havahd yahd?

Towed. Ya can't pahk theah, pal.

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horny American man gets sent to the desert for a job

The desert has a total population of 50 people. After a couple months of his "dry-spell", the man seeks to find out if there's a way to "get the job done" somewhere in the desert.

He asks the locals around and they guide him to the "PIMP with the Camel". He immediately runs up to the PIMP and...

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.

How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

What’s the one thing on my wishlist that my girlfriend didn’t get for me?

An abortion.

Why did the dolphin rider get arrested for hit and run?

Because he did it on porpoise.
















( I know dolphins aren't porpoises)