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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

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My wife says if this post get a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

If you HAD to get rid of one race, which one would you get axe?

Personally for me it would be the 200m. It lacks the raw sprinting ability needed for the 100m, and the stamina needed for the 400m.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

How does an alchemist get his wife off?

Elixir

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

How easy is it to get reddit karma?

It's a piece of cake.

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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How do pornstars get paid?

In cum.

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 ...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

Why Did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!' I felt so special. She asked me out for lu...

Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come toge...

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?

Thank him for the pizza

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?

Start with ten million.

My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"

Because he ate too many cowleries.

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?

I need to know the cutoff date.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

How did the hacker get away from the police?

He ransomware.

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A couple from Alabama get married.

They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. They get settled in their room for their first night together. As he's getting ready to take off his robe, she says "Be gentle. It's my first time". He gets outraged, packs his stuff, and leaves.

His dad lets him cool off for a bit. After a week, ...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

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Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

Two IT workers get married...

At Thanksgiving, their family asks them, "When are you going to have children?"

Couple: "Don't worry, we are working on it. ;)"

Next Thanksgiving, the couple still don't have children and their family asks, "Is there a problem? I thought you were planning to have children?"

Coup...

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The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

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Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

How do you get an elderly lady to say f***?

Get another one to say bingo

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and dau...

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter show...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

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My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal.

So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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An 18 year old Italian girl gets pregnant...

She tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl p...

how do you get from sweden to russia?

you cross the finnish line

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

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What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

What starts with P ends in S, and no woman can get enough of?

Pockets!

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Wel...

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

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What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.

700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

Mom can I get a motorcycle?

Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?

That horrible, awful accident that killed him…

So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?



No, you can have his

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

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Two Arab guys get on a plane

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No pr...

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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If y...

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(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor...

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

A man and his girlfriend were getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks, revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio" the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio. It only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood, the gir...

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

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The other night my wife and I were getting busy in bed....

She whispered in my ear “turn off the light and shove it in my arse”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

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