A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”



“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”



The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her s...

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Food has replaced sex in my life

Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?



Edit: I'm not removing the "Get it?" Part.

Thicc Sauce is Andre Segers

Another Edit: thanks for making "Get It" a meme <3

The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.

The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.

She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.

please move to the back of...

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

Only Anti-Vaxers will get this.

Measles.















A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?

[remooved]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?

Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind strangerr

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?

It's my cake day!

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA

Kicked out of the petting zoo

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

A wife is yelling at her husband, “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So the husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “Wait, so you want me to stay?”

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy.

so, I got drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets...

then it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hitchhiker gets picked up by a trucker with a bullfrog on his dashboard.

The hitchhiker guy stares at the bullfrog for a while, fascinated by the animal, while the truck driver just grins. After a while, the truck driver decides to show him what's what. He pulls over by the side of the road.

"Watch this!"

He takes the bullfrog by the legs and SLAMS its head...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman were about to "get it on"

He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,

"Oh shit,what happened to your feet?"

He replies,"Oh that.I had tolio."

"You mean polio don't you?"

"No.It just infected my toes."

Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.

"Oh my,Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said that if this post gets 10,000 upvotes, we can have butt sex

Her exact words were, "you can have anything but sex"

How did Luke Skywalker get around the forest moon of Endor?

Ewoked.

I don't get school shooter jokes

I think they are targeted at a much younger audience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it.

It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?

A Dictator.

Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What STD do you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS

What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

How does gold get your attention?

"Ay You!"

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

Two Englishman and two Germans Get Into A Drinking Contest

They go beer to beer with each other until the Germans pull ahead at the very end

One of the Germans exclaims “Aha! Vee have beat you at your national past time!”

One of the Englishmen replies “Yeah, but we beat you twice at yours.”

Why were’t the melons able to get married?

Because they cantaloupe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding...

The cop is going over the whole routine, license and registration. He asks the man what he does for a living.

Guy: I’m an asshole stretcher.

Cop: excuse me, how do you do that?

Guy: you start with a finger, then work another one in till you have a whole hand in there. Then you...

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?

He was only doing the bear minimum.....

Yes I know where the door is.....

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

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3 stoners buy a horse

3 stoners buy a horse.

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

Ya know what really gets me down?

Stairs.

"Master Ludwig," said Beethoven's manservant one day, "where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, dear Heinrich!" Beethoven answered.

Heinrich slapped his thigh in delight. "Oh, what a joker you are, master! A genius like you inspired by a dullard like me! That's a good one. Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah*! Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah!*"

A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

He walks around the corner, enters the same bar from a side door, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Listen, Frank, you had too much to drink. That's why I threw you out. Sorry, I can't serve you!"

The man grumbles, gets up, goes outside, walks around the corner, comes in t...

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

How much do circumcision doctors get paid?

Nothing, but they get to keep the tips.

Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

About to start selling glass coffins. Will they get popular?

Remains to be seen.

A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to b...

What do you get when you cross Captain America and The Hulk

The Star Spangled Banner

I almost saw a kid get hit by a car

Luckily I turned away

Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade?

Bacon bits.

How does a tree get on the internet?

It logs in.

How do you get dragon milk?

Find a cow with no back legs

I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

what do you get when you combine an elephant and a rhino?

hellifiknow

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Why did the monk not get into the monastery?

Because he lost his monkeys.

How do you get a fat chick to get in bed with you?

Piece of cake.

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

A reverend gets pulled over...

The Police Officer asks, "Father, have you been drinking?"

The Reverend responds, "Only water, Officer."

The Police Officer replies, "Why do you smell like wine then?"

The Reverend suddenly yells, "Jesus, he's done it again!"

What do you get when you spell ‘Man’ backwards?

Flashbacks.

I’m so, so sorry. The daddest joke I’ve heard from my dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Donald Trump ever get pissed off?

Because he's too busy getting pissed on.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican illegally crossed the border into the US and gets into a fight with a sex offender

It's Alien vs Predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only way you can get laid

Is if you climb up a chicken's ass and wait

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rick is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Carl.

...after taking some time to size Carl up and decide that he can trust him, Rick tells Carl about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Rick says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

There's nothing more annoying than people who get their sayings wrong.

I mean, it's not rocket salad.

A communist joke isn't funny

Unless everyone gets it

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors saved his life, but he lost one eye. Before a nice glass one could be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.

Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and ...

What would have Buzz Aldrin, the second man to get to the moon, said when he reached there?

Neil before me.

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

What do you get when a mother doesn't want her child but her family is against abortion?

An anti vaxxer.

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat..?

I’m already on stage 4!

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