My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, “This one can seat three people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?”

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do y...

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

I'm looking for someone with a good heart, not someone with good looks.

Please I really need that heart transplant

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

[Juliet looking down from balcony]

"It’s over Romeo, I have the high ground"

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

What was the triceratops looking for on Craigslist?

A tricerabottom.

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A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you k...

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from h...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

The police are looking for a fortune teller with dwarfism.

The small medium is at large.

Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes...

trying to read a billboard a half mile away. When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, "my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision".

A Brit, a French person and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Brit says, “Look, they are so calm and reserved, they must be British.”

The French person says, “No, look at how beautiful they are, they must be French.”

The Russian says, “Are you kidding me? They have no clothes and no shelter with only an apple to eat and they’re being told the...

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

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I was lying in bed last night looking at the stars

I thought to myself “ where the fuck is my roof ?! “

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Looking forward to some comment karma

Because real joke is in the comments.

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.

The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! G...

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If you’re looking for sympathy...

You’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

My friend with narcolepsy is looking forward to Christmas

Just 500 sleeps to go now

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

Why was Simba looking forward to his paracetamol wearing off?

Because he just couldn’t wait to be aching.

LONG : An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.



Looking at the shiny car ,the old man asks the doctor "What ya driving there sonny?

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche. It cost half a million dollars!


'Why does it cost so much?' Says the old man.


'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' state...

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Looking Back

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, b...

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

I can cut wood in half by looking at it intensely.

I saw it with my own eyes.

What do you say to a weird-looking Pokemon that just knocked a drink out of your hand?

"Jynx, you owe me a soda."

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

My friend is a good-looking comedian.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

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What did the mathematician say looking at 144 anuses?

That's disgusting

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

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A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.

He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if y...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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So I was looking for a job, and found a vacancy in some balloon company

turns out it was a blowjob...

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

Everyone is looking forward to the end of this year...

But I will not be happy in that 2020 won...

A bartender sees a dour looking man at his bar.

He asks the man what's wrong and the man replies "some things you just can't explain". "Anything can be explained, the bartender says. Tell me what happened." "Okay" says the man. "You see I'm a farmer, and today I had to milk my cow. Well she kept kicking over the bucket with her left leg, so I wen...

I was looking at my savings...

and realize that I've saved enough, and I don't have to work again for as long as I live. I'd be dying of hunger in 3 days, but I'd be free to enjoy what a like.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

I have been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But no one would do it.

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn’t find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....

I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife

The woman looked at me: I don’t know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife

I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

A Chinese man is looking for a bank and sees a sign for one.

he notices there are some odd instructions to follow in order to visit the bank listed in the title. He frowns, but thinks, "Oh well, these are some weird procedures, but they are probably safety standards." With this, he goes back home and into the bathroom.



He comes out 2 minutes la...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?

A Susquatch.

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