This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan

It's like I've never met herbivore.

There's a lot of talk about making Puerto Rico the 51st state

But I think the goal should be to get to 53 states.

A good solid **prime** number.

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One Nation, Indivisible.

​

​

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There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

Hamsters are a lot like cigarretes.

Completely harmless until you light one on fire and put it in your mouth.

Friends are a lot like trees

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first time doing stand up was a lot like my first time having sex

I only lasted 1 minute, every one involved was disappointed, and my dad didn't come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met this really nice girl that seemed to like me a lot, but I just couldn´t get sexually atracted to her.

I told her: "No hard feelings".

I hear a lot of Redditors have been joining the Navy.

I'm always hearing about Redditors in this or that sub.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

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- So, do you have a lot of sex?

- Yeah, two full hard drives of 5TB.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

I miss my students a lot...

Over time, they've gotten really good at dodging the chalkboard erasers I throw at them.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

Dark humour is a lot like food

Not everyone gets it

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

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A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

Lots of people love their cake day.

For me it’s only a 5/7

What do you call a blimp with lots of light-emitting diodes?

LED Zeppelin

Why do you need a lot of people to fix a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

I recently came into a lot of money...

And now my wallets all sticky.

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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore, but at least my dad came.

I owe a lot to sidewalks

They've been keeping me off the streets for years

What do you do with a country that has a lot of fiction?

Call it Greece.

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work.

I miss my students a lot...

The chalkboard eraser always ends up hitting the wall!

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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

That Step-Ladder means a lot to me

I never knew my real ladder

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind,...

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

There are a lot of pro's and con's to marriage

On the one hand, you get to wear this cool ring.

But on the other hand, you don't....

Dating is a lot like Blackjack:

While 21 is the ideal, with 14 or below you are definitely gonna hit it.

( inspired by a joke by u/thomasswaggyt_ )

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's crazy that some people are so horny that they are willing to have car sex in a public parking lot

That's why they call it sex drive

Med school is a lot easier than I expected!

I didn’t even study and my blood test says I got an “A+”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being a magician is a lot like being a failed pornstar.

It's all about missederection

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

People say you can tell a lot about a woman by her body language

But this large woman was talking to me.

​

And i swear she was speaking gibberish.

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Skyrim is a lot like sex

The first time is amazing

The second time is nearly as good

But by the hundredth time you've tried everything and the only way you can have fun anymore is to modify the hell out of it and get really really into roleplaying

I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a woman sleeps with a lot of men she'll be called a slut. If a man does the same...

...people call him gay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple is having sex in the car in the parking lot.

Suddenly a cop pulls over.

He flashes his flashlight inside the car and asks - what the hell is going on here ?

The couple suddenly stops and scramble for their clothes.

The cop says - you have 2 options. Either you go to jail for spreading public indecency or I am next.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For women, waiting for sex is a lot like waiting for snow

They don't know how many inches is there gonna be, they don't know how long it will last, but they know it's gonna be slippery.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

My father was a lot like a Time Lord...

He was played by several different men

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

Smartphones today are a lot more powerful than the computers Apollo had when it landed on the moon

Guess you could say I have a rocket in my pocket

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor,when it was her turn she entered.

The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?

The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is si...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes.

Not that I’m any good at them or anything.

I used to tell a lot of bill cosby jokes

But after he got arrested I can't, since it's a very touchy subject.

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife found a lot of animal porn on my pc - but I think I got away with it!

I blamed the dog.

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

I failed a lot of maths exams

More than I can count

We meet a lot of people in our lives who must be treasured.

You know, locked up in a box and buried underground.

I am seeing a lot of posts about Notre Dame

I guess it's a hot topic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lot of guys thought Tom Cruise was gay

But look how that blew up in all those dudes' faces.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

A lot of Michael Jackson's songs make me cry

They're very touching.

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wearing Crocs is a lot like getting a blowjob from another guy

It feels good until you look down

After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars...

if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife recently told me that she thinks that sex is a lot better on holiday

I didn’t enjoy receiving that postcard

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand

A lot of people look better with glasses

After all, isn't that the point of them?

I used to have a parrot who talked a lot...

He never said he was hungry, so he died.

If we were all procrastinators the world would get a lot done...

Tomorrow

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.

For example, if a police K9 is bitting him, he may not be ideal.

Erections are a lot like mass murders in Australia

Both are blood down under

Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

I saw a movie once with a lot of racist profanity

Obviously, it got rated a hard R.

There was a lot of fighting among the astronauts

Because nobody's words carried any weight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever a guy doesn’t share my sense of humor I tell them that my jokes are a lot like blowjobs.

You don’t get them

I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday...

But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a Prostitute and a Empty Lot have in common?

They both say " coming soon ", and they are both lying

What do you call a monster that eats a lot?

A gobble-n
(Credit to my 7 y/o son)

Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common

For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious

Why are lots of people mean?

Because it’s the average thing to do

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

If doors could procreate, they'd have a lot of kids

considering that they're always getting knocked up.

Did you hear about the Greek bricklayer who lied a lot?

He would always con Crete.

Joke from my neighbour, Slade.

What do you call a place where you eat a lot, spend a lot but didn’t like it one bit and wonder why you went there in the first place?

A food festival.

I dropped 3 bottles of vodka in the parking lot today...

I really can't hold my liquor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you think about it, brushing your teeth and sex have a lot in common.

it’s good for your health, you do it before bed, and it doesn’t happen everyday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Michael Jackson is a lot like caviar.

They both come on little crackers.

There aren't a lot of advantages to people who live in Switzerland.

However, the flag is a big plus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?

Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I noticed my friend Ted had been doing drugs a lot recently, so I decided to confront him

I said to Ted, "You're addicted" He said: "I'm not a dick, what do you mean"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex in prison is a lot like the sex in highschool.

The sex you want, you ain’t getting....and the sex you getting...you...dont...want

God, the devil and a lot of lawyers

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan say...

A lot of people aren't aware that one of the biggest condom-engineering breakthroughs actually came from a frog.

It was his idea to rib it.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

We had to get a new all-in-one printer, after a lot of fighting.

The old one couldn't handle the fax.

A coma can change a lot in a sentence

For example:

Ben is in school

Ben is in a coma

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

I think that a lot of conflict in the wild west could of been avoided...

If the cowboy architects just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Indian people are a lot like Russian people.

They're always in a curry.

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