Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

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My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

I know a lot of Eminem jokes,

but the chances that you'll get them is slim.

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

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What has a girlfriend, makes a lot of money, and has a massive penis

Not me lol

God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind,...

There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get?

Measles.

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

A lot of people find Roman numerals to be confusing, but I for one

V for 5, X for 10, L for 50...

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Hitler May have ended lots of lives

But at least he put a stop to Hitler

Damn girl, are you a parking lot?

'Cause I just wanna stick my Hot Rod into you

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Why do we see a lot of puns on Muslims here on r/jokes?

It's more likely to blow up.

Princess likes to date a lot of men

So when he proposed she took him to a crocodile infested lake she threw the ring in the water and said "Take it out" , so he took it out. She got really happy and said " All the other morons jumped in the lake".

Making Love to a Woman is a Lot Like Playing Basketball

Well, they're similar in the sense that I've done neither.

My wife and I fight a lot

But sibling rivalry is normal

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A lot of people say “Put your money where your mouth is”.

What if I want to put my mouth where my money is; between strawberry scented stripper tits.

There's a lot of corona jokes on here

Surprised that none of them has gone viral yet

Apparently, when I was born the doctor told my parents that I was born with a lot of potential

Well I must of touched something grounded thereafter

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

I get a lot of emails from a guy named Don O'Treply.

I wonder why he never seems to get my replies?

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Anal sex is a lot like my first car...

I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

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People that say fuck a lot

...are generally fucking happier

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to appear in the new reality show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

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(Nsfw)Went to pornhub the other day there was a lot of videos titled "bbc destroys teen"...

I don't know why the British Broadcasting Corporation is destroying the lives of teens..but I for one think it shows lack of journalistic integrity.

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage..

I used to shave my privates with one, but I don’t have the balls to do that now.

People with synesthesia shouldn't usually get bothered when people swear a lot.

To them, everyone has colorful language.

Fishing and girlfriends are a lot alike

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

I have lots of unemployment jokes...

but none of them work.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

What’s the difference between most people and parking lots?

I have never run over a parking lot.

I hate crime in multistory parking lots.

It's wrong on so many different levels.

"Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks…

You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f\*cking cross?"

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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I used to spend a lot of my time sculpting a big donkey with my face on it.

I stopped when I realized I was just making a huge ass of myself.

A lot of people mess up you're and your. I think I'm going to take it to the next level

Yore welcome

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

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Your ass says a lot about your personality

For instance, dumb-ass, smart-ass, crazy-ass, etc.

What do you call lots of sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

Canada is a lot cooler than the United States

Especially during the winter

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

Ladies talk to me a lot more once my son was born.

I guess now, my appeal is apparent

They say, you can tell a lot about a woman by her hands...

for instance if they are around your throat, she’s probably upset.

You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes care of his nails

Some keep them in a storage container, in a can, or just lying open in a drawer.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

With all this tension between Iran and America and possible war a lot misinformation can be spread so I just wanted to remind everyone who shot first

Han.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

Women are a lot like weather.

If it is wet outside, it's time to go inside.

What do you call a girl who makes a lot of breast milk?

Dairy Queen

Politicians take a lot of flak for everything they do.

Can we all just appreciate the lives they save by all donating their spines to charity as soon as they take office?

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

Not a lot of people knew who Qassim Suleimani was but now he’s very popular

He really blew up over night

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

A lot of people think an egg is a chicken fetus

But actually, that’s a common missed conception

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

An employee's boss pulls intonthe parking lot with a new Porsche

The employee marvels. "That's a nice car! That the newest model?"

The boss said "Sure is. And she's got EVERYTHING."

"That sure is something," the employee comments.

"Well hey, you know..." begins the boss. "If you work hard, never miss a day, and put your all into it? Next...

A cop caught me doing donuts in the parking lot.

I thought cops loved donuts!

I met a lot of new people at the Bonsai Convention.

We all exchanged pleasant trees.

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This guy had a trained parrot that swore a lot.

And he also had a lady friend coming over. So he warned the parrot not to cuss at her. In fact, he tied a ribbon to each of the parrot's legs and instructed him to pay the woman a compliment if she tugs on one of them.

So the lady comes over and sees the parrot. "What will happen if I tug on...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a minute, then replies "I don't think I am," and then \*poof!\*, he disappears.

This is the part where the philosophy students in the room will start to snicker, because they are familiar with Descartes' postulate "I think, therefore I am." But to tell you that before...

I told Jeremy Renner that he was a lot like my son.

He just laughed and said, "How so?"

I said, "I wish you were never Bourne."

A lot of people with one eye patch were pirates, but why were people with two eye patches never pirates?

Because they can't sea.

I asked what LGBTQ means and I've been getting lots of answers but here lies the problem

I couldn't get a straight answer

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Melbourne is beginning to look a lot like a MILF

42 and fucking HOT

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task.

But the one with Ubuntu is apt.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

I heard a lot of British people had special Brexit Christmas dinners this year...

It's like regular Christmas dinner but without the brussels.

Mother Theresa did a lot of different things all over the world but consequently.....

She was a master of nun.

Intercourse is a lot like AirPods

It seems like everybody has it, but I just know that for me it cost a lot of money to get it.

In a lot of ways ships are like women.

And in a lot of ways they are not. If you get a new ship you can call her “The Seaward.” But if you get a new wife you can’t call her the c word.

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Sex with me is a lot like beanie babies.

It's fucking worthless.

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I've been thinking about suicide a lot

But then again, I've thought about having sex aswell a lot and I'm still not doing it

A lot of people cry when cutting onions.

The key is to not form an emotional bond.

My psychiatrist really helped me a lot.

I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.

Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books?

Because they look sketchy

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Space travel is a lot like sex...

Man ventures deep into dark uncharted territory but go too far, and he must abort.

Billionaires and Christians have a lot in common.

For instance, just like Jesus, Jeffrey Epstein died for their sins.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,

until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

A lot of times I'm depressed throughout the week, and then the weekend comes and I'm worse...

Some would call it a sadder day.

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

My friend has been reading a book about glue a lot

I guess it’s hard to put down

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

Be careful on the road this festive season. Lots of men are drinking

And getting their wives to drive

When I was going for my medical degree, I spent a lot of time on the Hippocampus.

The University of Hull has a ton of fat birds.

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

Life is a lot like Jenga

If you don’t pull out correctly, everything can fall apart

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "...

I had my teeth cleaned and they charged me a lot of unexpected fees.

They were for incidentals.

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

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Masturbating is a lot like ramen noodles

When you chose to do it, it’s fantastic. When you HAVE to do it, it sucks.

Dark humor is a lot like food in Venezuela

Most people don't get it

The Queen of England’s coin purse must weigh a lot.

Like millions of pounds.

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Pizza is a lot like sex.

When it’s good, it’s REALLY good.

But when it’s bad...

...well, it’s still pretty damn good.


(Sorry it’s old. Heard it a long time ago and haven’t seen it here)

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I’m anticipating that people will have a lot of reviews and evaluations next year.

After all, hindsight is 2020.

Every morning, I wake up and find that someone has left a lot of Play-Doh on my front door.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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