Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

In a small town, people sinned a lot.

The priest, an elderly man, was getting tired of constantly hearing the nasty term “adultery”, day after day in confessions.
So he created a code word for it. Whenever someone loses their mind, they must tell the priest in the confession: “Father, I fell.” As such, when someone confessed to have ...

A lot of things changed since i got my girlfriend pregnant

My name, my address, and my phone number.

I went to the local auction house because the advert said lots for sale

False advertising, they only had land

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

I’ve been missing my wife a lot lately

I think I need to work on my aim

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people

Sadly they don't work.

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

What do you call a guy that works out a lot?

Jim

A lot of people text while driving.

I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret while we’re drunk.

People are a lot like Vegetables

Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

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3D printing is a lot like having sex.

First you have to clean your nozzle. Then you have to warm things up. And finally you have to keep just the right heat and speed. And if you mess up all you get is a disappointing mess.

I've found that I'm a lot happier

Since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings. My doctor said it's because of the citrus and natural sugars. I think it's just the vodka.

My husband was in the kitchen making a lot of noise....

I asked him what he was doing. He said he was killing flies. I asked if he was having any luck. He said yes, he had killed two males and three females. I asked, "how can you tell?" He answered, " two on the beer can, three on the phone".

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

What do you call a Spiderman villain who eats a lot?

Green Gobblin'.

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I heard twins share a lot in common

Time to make fun of my brother for having a small dick

What is it called when a lot of Covid-19 variants mix with each other?

>!A college fraternity party.!<

I recently came into a lot of money...

and that's why I got fired from the bank.

It's true. A lot of people are only after me for my body

Kidneys, liver, heart and lungs.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uneasy.

If I'm being honest, I thought it really suited me.

Barbie sure has a lot of nice things

For a woman who’s knees don’t bend

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

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Having sex is a lot like bridge...

...I only know about it from reading newspaper advice columns.

"Killing them with kindness is a lot harder than I thought"

said the assassin

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

My girlfriend says i procrastrinrate a lot.

I'll fix the typo tomorrow.

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

My dad explored a lot of caves during his 20s

That is why he owes so much in child support

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

A lot of men are uncomfortable with the idea of growing a beard for No Shave November but don’t worry…

It’ll grow on them.

I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.

I quit cold turkey.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

I was doing donuts in the parking lot

I was doing donuts in the parking lot and almost got arrested, and yes I am aware donuts is a strange name for a dog

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break ins lately. Any idea what we should do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes.

And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

Hurricanes are a lot like marriage

First there’s a lot of blowing. Then your house is gone.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

My wife and I have given a lot of thought on this...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

I thought 2020 would have a lot of jokes about vision

in hindsight with everything going on that was the last of their priorities

They say having a kid is a lot of work

But having twins is labor-intensive

What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog

Your body is a lot like your car

You shouldn't let just anybody put stuff in your trunk.

Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam

Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

God in a Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind,...

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My wife like to make a lot of noise during sex...

She is so inconsiderate. The other day I had to yell at her to keep it down because I was watching TV.

Cats are a lot like guns

Regardless of whether you love them or you think that nobody should own them, you've probably thought about shooting one before.

I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart...

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"


"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.


"John," she said, (firm loose b...

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

I get a lot of questions about my job as a cameraman for Naked and Afraid.

“Is it hard?” Yes, always.

You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just...

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at ...

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot.

Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.

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I get the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up a lot...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia!

I was always told “you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself”

I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

There's a lot of bad jokes. Especially the one about the dessert thief

That one really takes the cake

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

It takes a lot of balls....

...to play tennis!

Water boarding gets a lot of bad press

But the search to cure hiccups must continue!

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

Me and the knight in chess have a lot in common

Every time we move it results on an L

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Did you know a lot of animals can jump higher than trees?

This is mainly due to the fact trees can't jump.

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

What do you call a guy with lots of street smarts?

A road scholar.

A lot of people aren’t 100% sure of their orientation

That's why you need to invest in a cumpass

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles

For example, if they're behind her ears then she probably likes you

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew tumed up
to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5.year.old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, more or...

A lot of these Olympians must be pretty untrustworthy...

because all the TV pundits keep banging on about how unbelievable they are

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

My wife and I do a lot of mating.

I think we may have a chess addiction.

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

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German air traffic controllers

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange betwee...

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

After major accidents with lots of preventable injuries, there’s always a wave of lawsuits.

The sue-nami.

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.

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Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about my wife

I would probably think about her a lot more

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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Having sex in an elevator is a lot like taking hard drugs

You get fucked up, before a big cum down.

Why did the woman marry her gynecologist?

He checked a lot of boxes.

You can tell a lot about an Introvert by his handwriting, posture and favorite movie

About an extrovert, you can tell everything by his constantly non-closing mouth...

My wife and I were chatting the other day and she said to me, “Honey, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to be cremated.”

So I said to her, “Alright, go get your coat.”

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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