What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

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I imagine doing a massive shit is a lot like giving birth;

You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes

None of them work.

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.

I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

A lot of people won’t like me for posting this

This

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It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...

... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond n...

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

What is toxic at first, but makes life a lot more fun when everyone is used to it?

Oxygen

Is 3 followers a lot?

On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes.

Dungeons and Dragons is a lot like Bitcoin

I know it's popular but I don't understand it

Yeast is a lot like a hillbilly.

It's in bread

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

Robinhood and my wife have a lot in common...

They both like to take control of my money without my say in it

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

They're seems to be a lot of people getting there words mixed up

Their, I said it...

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A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

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A lot can happen in just 60 seconds

Thats the title of my sextape

What do you call a person that travels a lot and never gets angry?

A nomad

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

I've been suffering a lot of seizures recently...

...so far they've taken my house, my car and my boat.

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

Doctor: Did it hurt? Patient: Yes, a lot.

Doctor: So are you going to take the vaccine, or should I punch you in the face again?

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

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Police brutality is a lot like the day I lost my virginity.

Despite the fact that it was recorded by onlookers and posted to Twitter, nobody will ever fucking believe it happened.

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

This corona virus is a lot like my girlfriend....

It came for everyone else but me.

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

During this pandemic, I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Stormtroopers and dogs are a lot alike

No matter where you're at, they always miss you.

I make a lot of jokes about eyes...

...you could say I have vitreous humor.

US politics is a lot like square dancing.

Move to the right, take one step back, move to the left, take one step forward. Repeat.

A lot of people think driving and drinking is bad

I like to call those people: The cops

A lot of people have told me what lgbtq stands for,

So far, nobody has given me a straight answer

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

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Salads are a lot like orgasms...

They're always better when someone else makes them.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

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Lot of men say women are a pain in the ass.

I disagree.

If there were no women on Earth, the pain in the ass would be even more.

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I've been seeing a lot of NSFW jokes recently..No more Vagina jokes

Period

There was a lot of controversy with the bald man’s will

Turns out he didn’t have any heirs

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Procrastination is a lot like masturbation..

It feels nice at the time, but ultimately you’re just fucking yourself

Working out is a lot like being a veterinarian

You’re just picking things up and putting them down

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

An American lost a lot of weight

When he switched to metric system

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied

I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

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Son said to me, “you spent a lot of time in the bathroom in high school, didn’t you?”

I answered “No, why? “

He says “cause that’s where all the dicks hang out.”

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

I met a lot of Australians recently

They are very unique folk. They are obsessed with eye color. Mine are, apparently, very amazing. Whenever I meet one, for whatever reason, the first thing they always say is "good eye."

Lot's of people tell me I "must be fun at parties"

How would they even know? I never get invited to them.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don’t know...

...I think we just have a better grasp on things.

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

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Life is a lot like a penis... simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely...

Then a woman makes it hard.

My Tounge during a dentist appointment is a lot like my life: I have no clue what to do with it

Original Joke

This r/jokes sub uses a lot of military slang ...

every repost is like ... copy that.

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Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other one!

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Hiring a prostitute is a lot like eating at Subway

You pay someone else to do your wife’s job.

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


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### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

I know there's been a lot of debate over how to pronounce gif...

But can we all at least agree that it rhymes with knife?

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

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(NSFW) I'm not saying I jack off a lot...

but my computer looks like Spiderman saved it after it fell out of a window.

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

Kamikaze pilots had a lot of potential.

But it turned out they were all one hit wonders.

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

People used to put a lot of trust in the ship making industry...

But then the unsinkable happened

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What’s the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories?

This: Justin.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

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Having a massive penis is a lot like having depression...

it's just something you learn to live with.

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

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Friend: "You're a lot like Socrates"

Me: "Because I'm the wisest man around?"

Friend: "No, because you piss everyone off"

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

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This new Cardi B song sure is getting a lot of press.

I haven’t listened to it yet, but when I do I sure hope I find out what an Ass pussy is.

I've seen a lot of you getting the funniest jokes from your kids, so I tried asking my lil sister to give me one too

She told me to look into the mirror

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

Last night I did Stand-Up in a Bowling Alley parking lot

Some of my jokes struck out. The audience was split.

What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda?

A fizz-ician (physician)

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

Lots of hobbies

I have 70 hobbies.... 69 and fishing

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

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Eating a pink starburst is a lot like masturbating...

You want to savor it for as long as you can, but once you bite into it you have to finish.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I get a lot of head in my job

Man, I love being an executioner

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

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