There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

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My first time doing stand up was a lot like my first time having sex

I only lasted 1 minute, every one involved was disappointed, and my dad didn't come.

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,

completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore, but at least my dad came.

I owe a lot to sidewalks

They've been keeping me off the streets for years

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

What do you call a blimp with lots of light-emitting diodes?

LED Zeppelin

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Dark humour is a lot like food

Not everyone gets it

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work.

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind,...

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Dating is a lot like Blackjack:

While 21 is the ideal, with 14 or below you are definitely gonna hit it.

( inspired by a joke by u/thomasswaggyt_ )

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

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A young couple is having sex in the car in the parking lot.

Suddenly a cop pulls over.

He flashes his flashlight inside the car and asks - what the hell is going on here ?

The couple suddenly stops and scramble for their clothes.

The cop says - you have 2 options. Either you go to jail for spreading public indecency or I am next.
...

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Skyrim is a lot like sex

The first time is amazing

The second time is nearly as good

But by the hundredth time you've tried everything and the only way you can have fun anymore is to modify the hell out of it and get really really into roleplaying

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

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For women, waiting for sex is a lot like waiting for snow

They don't know how many inches is there gonna be, they don't know how long it will last, but they know it's gonna be slippery.

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

My father was a lot like a Time Lord...

He was played by several different men

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

Smartphones today are a lot more powerful than the computers Apollo had when it landed on the moon

Guess you could say I have a rocket in my pocket

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a woman sleeps with a lot of men she'll be called a slut. If a man does the same...

...people call him gay.

I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes.

Not that I’m any good at them or anything.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor,when it was her turn she entered.

The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?

The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is si...

What would you call an officer that thinks a lot?

A philofficer

I used to tell a lot of bill cosby jokes

But after he got arrested I can't, since it's a very touchy subject.

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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Wearing Crocs is a lot like getting a blowjob from another guy

It feels good until you look down

We meet a lot of people in our lives who must be treasured.

You know, locked up in a box and buried underground.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lot of guys thought Tom Cruise was gay

But look how that blew up in all those dudes' faces.

A lot of Michael Jackson's songs make me cry

They're very touching.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

I failed a lot of maths exams

More than I can count

I used to have a parrot who talked a lot...

He never said he was hungry, so he died.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife found a lot of animal porn on my pc - but I think I got away with it!

I blamed the dog.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having sex is a lot like bridge.

If your partner sucks make sure you've got a good hand.

There was a lot of fighting among the astronauts

Because nobody's words carried any weight.

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My wife recently told me that she thinks that sex is a lot better on holiday

I didn’t enjoy receiving that postcard

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

If we were all procrastinators the world would get a lot done...

Tomorrow

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars...

if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality

A lot of people look better with glasses

After all, isn't that the point of them?

Why do clocks swear a lot?

Because they have a tick.

I saw a movie once with a lot of racist profanity

Obviously, it got rated a hard R.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.

For example, if a police K9 is bitting him, he may not be ideal.

I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand

What do you call a monster that eats a lot?

A gobble-n
(Credit to my 7 y/o son)

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever a guy doesn’t share my sense of humor I tell them that my jokes are a lot like blowjobs.

You don’t get them

What do a Prostitute and a Empty Lot have in common?

They both say " coming soon ", and they are both lying

Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common

For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious

I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday...

But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.

Did you hear about the Greek bricklayer who lied a lot?

He would always con Crete.

Joke from my neighbour, Slade.

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

Why are lots of people mean?

Because it’s the average thing to do

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

There aren't a lot of advantages to people who live in Switzerland.

However, the flag is a big plus.

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?

Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

A lot of people aren't aware that one of the biggest condom-engineering breakthroughs actually came from a frog.

It was his idea to rib it.

Michael Jackson is a lot like caviar.

They both come on little crackers.

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Sex in prison is a lot like the sex in highschool.

The sex you want, you ain’t getting....and the sex you getting...you...dont...want

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you think about it, brushing your teeth and sex have a lot in common.

it’s good for your health, you do it before bed, and it doesn’t happen everyday.

God, the devil and a lot of lawyers

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I noticed my friend Ted had been doing drugs a lot recently, so I decided to confront him

I said to Ted, "You're addicted" He said: "I'm not a dick, what do you mean"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

I think that a lot of conflict in the wild west could of been avoided...

If the cowboy architects just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

We had to get a new all-in-one printer, after a lot of fighting.

The old one couldn't handle the fax.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masturbation is a lot like procrastination . . .

... it's often more pleasurable while done gazing at yourself in front of the mirror.

What do you call a neighborhood inhabited by a lot of maids and dishwashers?

A scrubdivision

Indian people are a lot like Russian people.

They're always in a curry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

A coma can change a lot in a sentence

For example:

Ben is in school

Ben is in a coma

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've devised the perfect plan. One day, I'll pretend to be gay, make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I spent a lot of my time in catholic school in the principal's office

Every interaction with that guy left a bad taste in my mouth.

Virginity is a lot like rational thinking.

If you happen to visit the church regularly, you’ll probably lose it before you’re 14.

My dad is a lot like Kobe Bryant..

.. he's not here either.

When you're morbidly obese, you get shut down by lots of people. But the worst is when it comes from parents...

MOTHER NATURE AND FATHER TIME.

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

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Cleaning your room is a lot like masturbation....

Asking your sibling to help usually doesn’t work.

Children are a lot like farts

you can normally tolerate your own but other people's are particularly unpleasant.

What kind of fish has a lot of sodium?

2 Na

I learned a lot today

it means a large number or amount.

A lot of people are concerned that Donald Trump will start a nuclear war.

That'll only happen if he reaches critical ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life and politics have a lot in common

I can hold a great conversation about it but have never participated in the two party system

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say a lot of guys suffer from premature ejaculation

But its actually the women that suffer.

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

Our leader is a joke to the world, he’s made terrible descisions, he lacks a lot of experience, he’s cost us a lot of money, and he hasn’t made many people happy.

At least it’s only Justin Trudeau.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They said you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother but the second you have sex with her

best friend Karen, you're suddenly a bad guy.

1 dollar was a lot..

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it....

At least when they know I'm there

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

Reddit is a lot like Whose Line Is It Anyway.

The jokes are made up and the points dont matter.