A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

Yew know I could think of a lot of tree puns....

But youd probably get sycamore.

Through a lot of pain and discipline I managed to lose 6 kilograms.

Still miss my left arm though.

Me and my blind friend argue a lot about small issues.

Apparently, we don't see eye-to-eye on anything.

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head.

From a distance they will look like hares.

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I said to my wife, "Our relationship is a lot like a Disney movie."

"Aww... That's cute," she giggled, "I'm your princess and you are my charming prince?"


"Not exactly" I said. "I've fucked seven dwarfs."

Your favourite sport says a lot about your life.

For example: rugby has a breakdown every ten seconds, and so do I.

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Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

My girlfriend and I were arguing a lot about what to name our dog.

After not agreeing with each other for a long time, we decided to call it a-day.

Dolly Parton just announced she's buying Big Lots, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter.

She's combining them to open a superstore called Big Wiggly Teeters.

I hear a lot that math jokes aren't funny. Solve this if you can

230-220*0.5=

You won't believe the answer is 5!

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

Do you drink a lot?

Patient :
Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

Doctor :
Do you drink a lot?

Patient :
Not really, I spill most of it.

Bananas are similar to a lot of old men

They can’t get hard

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Three actually.

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

A person who posts lots of jokes to r/jokes found that 3 keys on his keyboard is broken, what are those keys?

Ctrl,C, and V

I used to wear a lot of women's clothing

Eventually they found out and I had to buy my own.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man

by how dogs react to him. For example, if the K9 police dog is biting him, he may not be ideal.

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I masturbate in corners a lot.

I guess you could say I’m a bit of an anglephile.

I used to move around a lot when I was younger

But lately I've just gotten really fat.

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People say having lots of kids is a hassle...

My basement says otherwise

I spent a lot of money on focus training.

Maybe I just should have paid attention.

Trying to please my girl in bed is a lot like trying to post on Reddit without karma

“...you’re doing that too much.”

Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers?

Because New York got to pick first

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

Cows spend a lot of time on their feet.

I bet they have great calves.

Getting laid is a lot like this joke,

None of us get it!

Rabbis don't make a lot of money during circumcisions

At least they get to keep the tips

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

Odd numbers torment me a lot. So, I subtract them by 1

To get even

My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan

It's like I've never met herbivore.

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

Just because a lot of work went into it, doesn’t make it good.

Just look at the holocaust.

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Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

I know a lot of jokes about clocks

But I don’t have the time to tell them

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying.

What are your online shopping habits?

Friends are a lot like trees

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

Humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

Little Girl says to her Mum, I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don't wear to all of the little girls that don't have any, Mum says who are these Girls??

You know, the ones on Daddy's computer.

I've seen a lot of great moves as a fencing teacher...

...but you guys have the best ripostes.

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A Lot of People Say Jews Don't Really Exist...

The truth, though, is that they Israel.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,

completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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A college professor noted that one of his students, Dave, started getting lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

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A lot of people don't like talking about masturbation

it's a touchy subject

Being Vegan is a lot like having a bondage fetish

If your girlfriend is into it, you basically also have to

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Love is a lot like a fart

If you push too hard...It’s shit.

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So a nun wants to enter a horse race, but horses cost a lot of money.

So instead, she buys a donkey and enters him in the race, and he wins first place. On that day, the newspaper reads, ‘Nun’s ass wins first place’. On the next day, she enters the donkey in the race again, but he doesn’t win, and on that day the papers read, ‘nun’s ass chokes’. On the next day, the b...

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, jehovah's witness, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

memes are a lot like cells

if they don't die, they become cancer

Come to think of it, Miss Pac-Man is a lot like my mother.

She guzzles down loads of pills and then gets killed by ghosts.

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

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MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision takes balls.

Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

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I've seen a lot of shit in my day

said the plumber

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

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Life is a lot like a penis, simple, soft, relaxed and hanging freely

until a woman makes it hard

I've heard a lot about how important 'the wheel' was for civilization

But I think it's time to recognize 'the shovel' for being the ground-breaking invention that it is.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

When I was a child my parents fed my lots of chocolate, peanuts and raisins.

Probably explains why I was a little Chuncky.

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Black jack is a lot like my sex life

I only hit on under 16

I remember my dad’s first joke. I laughed a lot.

Kuchi Kuchi ku ku..

The nursing home is going to be lots of fun.

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out,

'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas sai...

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The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

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I met this really nice girl that seemed to like me a lot, but I just couldn´t get sexually atracted to her.

I told her: "No hard feelings".

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

A disembodied head was down on his lot.

The line for a body transplant was years long if at all.

He'd fallen into a deep depression, taken up smoking & drinking. 

One day, his friend rushes in. 

"Amazing news! The transplant center just called, you've been bumped to the front of the list!"

The head is stunn...

Why didn't Sir Mix-A-Lot eat anything at the Keto cookout?

He don't want none unless they got buns, hun.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

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An I.C.E agent was chasing a Latino through a parking lot yesterday,

And I turned up the radio and sang at the top of my lungs to encourage his freedom run,

"Jesus take the wheel!"

The bastard took the next part too seriously.

Doctor: You’ve lost a lot of blood. Me: That can’t be good, right?

Doctor: No. You’re the worst blood bank manager we’ve ever seen.

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

I recently came into a lot of money...

And now my wallets all sticky.

What do you call a blimp with lots of light-emitting diodes?

LED Zeppelin

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

I miss my students a lot...

Over time, they've gotten really good at dodging the chalkboard erasers I throw at them.

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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

I owe a lot to sidewalks

They've been keeping me off the streets for years

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

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A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

Why do you need a lot of people to fix a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work.

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

What do you do with a country that has a lot of fiction?

Call it Greece.

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