UPJOKE
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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

A man's been driving around a crowded parking lot trying to find a place to park.

"Lord," he prayed, "I can't take this any longer. If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking and go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I found one."

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But sadly, none of them work.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

Your pubes are a lot like the ocean

If you explore enough, you'll find crabs

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

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I didn't have a lot of time left in my busy day for my appointment with the male prostitute.

So I just blew him off.

There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area

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I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money

Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.

My rehab meetings have really taught me a lot about other people.

I'm so proud to be a established member of over sharer's anonymous.

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo

They never tell him the odds

I stay at a lot of different vacation rentals and never have a problem remembering where things are in their kitchens

It’s a mental dish order

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

I paid a lot of money expecting to be taped to a wall for at least an hour...

It wasn't until 30 minutes in when I realized those guys ripped me off.

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

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Drinking Coors Light is a lot like oral sex.

The first few seconds always taste like piss.

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

A lot of people didn't believe it when they were told the pharaoh wasn't a god, just a man like any other.

They were in the Nile.

The local county Judge talked a lot.

He talked on an on and on. He was known for giving out long sentences.

Strangely, my son farts a lot whenever it's Halloween.

That's why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Lots of my friends enjoy going on cruises.

I'm not onboard with that, though.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

I've experimented with a lot of drugs back in the day,

But with cocaine, that's where I drew a line.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

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In high school, my friends and I did a lot of sexual experimentation.

I was in the control group.

When I was a kid, my family used to move a lot.

But I always found them.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

My friend struggles a lot with always writing his n's upside-down.

I told him "That sounds like a u problem."

I meet a lot of people as a travelling sound engineer for concerts in Europe. I have a friend who's Ukrainian.

I have a Czech one too. Czech one too.

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

a lot of people have trouble with math

5 out of every 4 people

I know a lot of people struggle with their mental health

Because I struggle with my mental health and I'm a lot of people.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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Old save file on my N64 says a lot about my self confidence back then

Named myself "DumbButt"

I'm happy to report that I am now a happy adult, replaying my favourite game as SmartAss

As a metallurgist, I find it a lot easier to work with metal than people.

When I hit metal, it does what I want.

People actually have lot of good things say about me.

But first, I have to die.

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A lot of people shit on America for being the dumbest country in the world

Clearly, it has to be Europe.

Why aren't there a lot of Irish lawyers?

Because they have trouble passing the bar.

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If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland

But their flag is a big plus.

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

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2 prostitutes standing on a corner.

2 prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says "we gonna make a lot of money tonight i can smell the dick in the air"...and the second one replied "sorry i burped"

A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed...

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, s...

A lot of people talk about when pigs fly

but swine flu.

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What are a lot of mens favourite kind of Bees?

Boobies

You can tell a lot about a person...

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they put in their autobiography.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

My wife says I'm a lot like Wordle

Not that hard and only fun for 90 seconds.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Hiking trip

Justin and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming hiking trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.


After a lot of teasing and name-calling, Justin headed home frustrated.


The following week when Just...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

A lot of people don't know about Rudolph's wife Olive,

but she is mentioned in the song: "Olive, the other reindeer."

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I've been learning a lot of Russian lately, mostly names

Fuckov Jerkov, Pissov

I get a lot of diarrhea

It runs in my jeans

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

A lot of things changed since i got my girlfriend pregnant

My name, my address, and my phone number.

There's a lot of crossover between the Bible and Spongebob

Both are quite holey

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?

Because he had a great poker face.

In a small town, people sinned a lot.

The priest, an elderly man, was getting tired of constantly hearing the nasty term “adultery”, day after day in confessions.
So he created a code word for it. Whenever someone loses their mind, they must tell the priest in the confession: “Father, I fell.” As such, when someone confessed to have ...

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

A lot of blood is moved by ships everyday.

After all, we have blood vessels for a reason.

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My girlfriend has a lot of dick pics on her old computer

She has a hard disk drive

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

Being in the military, my kids are used to moving around a lot.

Because I use them for target practice.

What I deal with as a parking attendant…

It’s a lot.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

What do you call a fat weatherman that sees a lot of genitalia?

A Meaty Urologist.

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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A man was walking to the bar

And on his way to the bar he found a girl tied to a railroad track. He untied her and they had a lot of sex.

Then he got to the bar and he started talking to his friend over there about how all the difference positions they fucked and everything.

His friend says thats awesome.. did yo...

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

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3D printing is a lot like having sex.

First you have to clean your nozzle. Then you have to warm things up. And finally you have to keep just the right heat and speed. And if you mess up all you get is a disappointing mess.

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

Lots of people want chicken fingers

But a very few wants to finger chickens

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

They say dark humour's a lot like food...

Not everyone gets it.

how do you know when your girlfriends getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's clothes

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

What do you call someone who isn't trans and likes to roll around while drinking lots of water?

A cis-turn

I’ve been missing my wife a lot lately

I think I need to work on my aim

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

When my father started getting ill his doctor told him to cover the back of his legs and his entire back in lots of goose fat

I swear, he really went downhill fast after that

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

I went to the local auction house because the advert said lots for sale

False advertising, they only had land

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How do you titillate an Ocelot?

Oscillate it's tits a lot.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

What do you call a guy that works out a lot?

Jim

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