Lot Jokes - 146 Hilarious Lot Jokes

Voting is a lot like driving

To go backwards, choose “R”.

To go forward, choose “D”.

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

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My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

Like a lot of men my age..

I'm 52.

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

A lot of people are pretty upset about “fat shaming” jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

I have a lot of unemployed people jokes

Sadly none of them work

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

There's a lot of discrimination against us paraplegic people,

And we won't stand for that!

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

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Procrastination is a lot like masturbation..

It feels nice at the time, but ultimately you’re just fucking yourself

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

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Sex with me is a lot like hide and seek

I count down from 10 and shout “Ready or not, here I come”.

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

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A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

A lot of people don't like Mondays

But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

I just came into a lot of money

Normally I use tissues

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

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Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

My girlfriend and Twitter have a lot in common.

For starters, I now refer to both as X

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Pooping is a lot like math.

When it’s hard, sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

I learn a lot from my mistakes

I think it's time to make a few more.

Needed: people with a lot of self control

for working at a bubble wrap factory.

What's the difference between a NY Jets fan, and a guy in an Aldi parking lot?

The guy at Aldi gets a quarter back.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

I’m going through a lot right now.

Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

When I am on my Unicycle I have lots of energy..

But on my bike I am two tired.

You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

Why you...

A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Why does it take lots of people to screw in a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work

My buddy Joe has lost a lot of weight on the new Dolly Parton diet.

It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

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A casino is a lot like sex.

Liquor in the front.
Poker in the back.

A lot of people get numerators and denominators mixed up...

But there's a fine line between the two

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

A chemistry lab is a lot like a party...

Some people drop acid while others drop the base.

Woman are a lot like roller coasters

They mess with your heart, and most have a height limit to ride on.

I always feel a lot better after I've spent time with my dad's sister

She's my aunty biotic

A lot of people don't think Orpheus can get Eurydice back from the underworld...

...but I think he can can

What do you call a man who steals a lot?

Rob

I got a lot of "Happy Father's Day, Daddy" messages yesrerday...

I'm starting to think I spend way too much money on OnlyFans...

Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...

there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

A lot is said...

A lot is said about the famous mutant Telepath, Professor X...

Less is said about his incredibly inquisitive younger brother, Professor Y.

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat

A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ

.
.
None of them gave me a straight answer

I'm pretty lucky, so recently I came into a lot money

Which is weird cuz normally i use a sock

I really like aging English rock stars that wear a lot of silver jewelry

What the hell are you taking about??

Nothing really, I was just making Idol conversation

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

Women are like parking lots.

The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.

Now that I listen to whole albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

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Porn is a lot like pro wrestling...

All of it is exciting at first, and it's great to watch when you're free, but when you know how much of it is fake, it gets boring fast.

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

I've been driving a lot for work recently...

And it's been lonely but the other day it felt like my wife was with me. Google maps wouldn't talk to me, I didn't know what I'd done wrong and wasn't sure how to fix it.

Two men park next to each other in a parking lot.

Each man eyes the others' car and nods.

"Honda, eh? Good make." says the first man.

"Agreed," said the other. "We seem to have an Accord."

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

What do you call someone who likes to crack their knuckles a lot?

A crack addict

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

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I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

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Telling jokes is a lot like having sex

You can do it with one or more persons.

Others prefer to do it with an audience.

Some people like them dirty.

Others like them black.

Some people may choke.

And others may get offend.

But most of all... Not everyone gets it.

A lot of people say that I don’t have any Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons downloaded on my computer.

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

Santa gets around a lot just like Ludacris.

He ho ho ho's in different area codes.

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

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Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

XXX

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

I don’t have a lot of empathy or sympathy for anyone else.

Not sure how I feel about that.

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A man walks into McDonald's to report a man soliciting sex in the parking lot.

The clerk asks him what happened, and he proceeds to tell them that there is a man in the parking lot offering a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger. The clerk lets the man know that they will inform the manager who will call the police and have the man removed. They then thank the man and ask him w...

I spent a lot of money on women and cars and whiskey…

The rest I wasted.

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

The baker’s new puppy cost a lot of dough.

He was a pure bread.

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?

Lo-fi

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

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I used to know a guy that had phone sex a lot…

Now he’s got hearing aids.

You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland

But their flag is a big plus.

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

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Your first car is a lot like anal...

...you don't really want it but your stepdad gives it to you anyway.

After lots of revision, I finally got an A in my recent test.

the doctors were so shocked because last time I only got an O-.

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Why do idiot drivers always have lots of kids?

Because they never know the right time to pull out.

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

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