A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

A lot of conflict in the Wild West....

....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbating is a lot like ramen noodles

When you chose to do it, it’s fantastic. When you HAVE to do it, it sucks.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for the women turning.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got so bad that finally, I had to take his bike away!

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands

For instance if they're placed around your throat she's probably upset.

Richard Pryor

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

A lot of people don't understand the value of their wives

Until a judge decides the alimony amount.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal bleaching would be a lot more popular

If they just called it changing your ringtone

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a job with a lot of explosions in it?

A blowjob

The country of Turkey is a lot like Little Miss Moffett...

They both have Kurds in their way.

A lot of people think my father was weird

But he was a lovely man, and a great kisser

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

Your favourite sport says a lot about your life.

For example: rugby has a breakdown every ten seconds, and so do I.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do u call a dick with a lot of pride

Egotesticle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been doing a lot of DIY recently

But I have a hard time trusting anything to stay up;
My therapist says I have major shelf-confidence issues.

Ellen got a lot of backlash recently but honestly

Is anyone surprised that she likes Bush?

When I was a single man, I had lots of free time.

Now that I started listening to full albums, I hardly ever leave my house.

Meditation is a lot like pimping...

You gotta get your thoughts under control.

When a guy sleeps with a lot of women, he is called a stud...

But when a woman does... she is your mother.

I feel like a lot of girls are like spaghetti

Straight until wet

A lot of people ask me about my daughter

It's really annoying, I'm just trying to take my girlfriend to school

Racism is a lot like Nickelback...

Its fun to joke about, but you never want to see it in person.

God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never min...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

Why did Donald Trump’s dog keep making a lot of noise ?

It was a Trump-pet.

Lot of good things about having a mum who's a hairdresser. Getting my hair dyed at home, for example.

That's a personal highlight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexual stamina is a lot like that old blink-182 song...

Life is too short to last long

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

What do you call a man in a lot of debt

Bill

Farmers, they use a lot of heroin.

Finding the evidence, mind you, is like looking for a needle in a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know it's funny that a lot of Christians are against porn

I mean hey, I'm not the one praying to a guy getting nailed!

What does a snail wear when they need to carry a lot of things?

Escargot Pants

My physics teacher once told me that I've lot of potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

My sisters friends and I actually have a lot in common

We all look better with my glasses off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

Trudeau's black face picture has gotten a lot of attention

But should we care if it's Trudeau?

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

Life would be a lot more fun if

Whoever came up with the name "dentures", missed a golden opportunity to call them

"Substitooths"

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

Yew know I could think of a lot of tree puns....

But youd probably get sycamore.

Through a lot of pain and discipline I managed to lose 6 kilograms.

Still miss my left arm though.

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to my wife, "Our relationship is a lot like a Disney movie."

"Aww... That's cute," she giggled, "I'm your princess and you are my charming prince?"


"Not exactly" I said. "I've fucked seven dwarfs."

Me and my blind friend argue a lot about small issues.

Apparently, we don't see eye-to-eye on anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now my wifes mad at me along with a lot of Facebook friends.

She posted"How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world need one of you too?"
And I commented everybody needs an asshole.

I hear a lot that math jokes aren't funny. Solve this if you can

230-220*0.5=

You won't believe the answer is 5!

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head.

From a distance they will look like hares.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

My girlfriend and I were arguing a lot about what to name our dog.

After not agreeing with each other for a long time, we decided to call it a-day.

I used to wear a lot of women's clothing

Eventually they found out and I had to buy my own.

Dolly Parton just announced she's buying Big Lots, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter.

She's combining them to open a superstore called Big Wiggly Teeters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Three actually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I masturbate in corners a lot.

I guess you could say I’m a bit of an anglephile.

How do you call a kebab that asks a lot of questions?

Quebab

Someone threw cheese at me. I bled a lot.

Damn, that's one sharp cheddar!

A person who posts lots of jokes to r/jokes found that 3 keys on his keyboard is broken, what are those keys?

Ctrl,C, and V

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

Getting laid is a lot like this joke,

None of us get it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving a car is a lot like sex. It was fun for the first few times...

But now it's boring and costs too much money.

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man

by how dogs react to him. For example, if the K9 police dog is biting him, he may not be ideal.

I spent a lot of money on focus training.

Maybe I just should have paid attention.

My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan

It's like I've never met herbivore.

Trying to please my girl in bed is a lot like trying to post on Reddit without karma

“...you’re doing that too much.”

Rabbis don't make a lot of money during circumcisions

At least they get to keep the tips

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,

completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say having lots of kids is a hassle...

My basement says otherwise

I used to move around a lot when I was younger

But lately I've just gotten really fat.

Friends are a lot like trees

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

Odd numbers torment me a lot. So, I subtract them by 1

To get even

Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers?

Because New York got to pick first

Cows spend a lot of time on their feet.

I bet they have great calves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

Just because a lot of work went into it, doesn’t make it good.

Just look at the holocaust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

Humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Little Girl says to her Mum, I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don't wear to all of the little girls that don't have any, Mum says who are these Girls??

You know, the ones on Daddy's computer.

Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Lot of People Say Jews Don't Really Exist...

The truth, though, is that they Israel.

A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying.

What are your online shopping habits?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I've seen a lot of great moves as a fencing teacher...

...but you guys have the best ripostes.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lot of people don't like talking about masturbation

it's a touchy subject

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a nun wants to enter a horse race, but horses cost a lot of money.

So instead, she buys a donkey and enters him in the race, and he wins first place. On that day, the newspaper reads, ‘Nun’s ass wins first place’. On the next day, she enters the donkey in the race again, but he doesn’t win, and on that day the papers read, ‘nun’s ass chokes’. On the next day, the b...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.