For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied

I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

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Son said to me, “you spent a lot of time in the bathroom in high school, didn’t you?”

I answered “No, why? “

He says “cause that’s where all the dicks hang out.”

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

This r/jokes sub uses a lot of military slang ...

every repost is like ... copy that.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

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Procrastination is a lot like masturbation..

It feels nice at the time, but ultimately you’re just fucking yourself

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

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Hiring a prostitute is a lot like eating at Subway

You pay someone else to do your wife’s job.

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

Kamikaze pilots had a lot of potential.

But it turned out they were all one hit wonders.

What’s the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories?

This: Justin.

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

I've seen a lot of you getting the funniest jokes from your kids, so I tried asking my lil sister to give me one too

She told me to look into the mirror

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

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This new Cardi B song sure is getting a lot of press.

I haven’t listened to it yet, but when I do I sure hope I find out what an Ass pussy is.

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

Lots of hobbies

I have 70 hobbies.... 69 and fishing

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

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Having a massive penis is a lot like having depression...

it's just something you learn to live with.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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Friend: "You're a lot like Socrates"

Me: "Because I'm the wisest man around?"

Friend: "No, because you piss everyone off"

Last night I did Stand-Up in a Bowling Alley parking lot

Some of my jokes struck out. The audience was split.

2020 caught a lot of people by surprise …

… but I didn't find it odd at all.

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

I asked lots of people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

It cost a lot for our rubber dinghy, even back then. Let’s get it ready again!

(Adjusted for inflation)

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda?

A fizz-ician (physician)

Teaching is a lot like a bad marriage.

You never get your needs met, but you stay in it for the kids.

A lot of people have been making money off face mask in fact I have too.

Because they’re not expecting me to rob the place.

In a lot of sports, a ball is used.

But it's usually pointless.

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Eating a pink starburst is a lot like masturbating...

You want to savor it for as long as you can, but once you bite into it you have to finish.

My father was a countertop salesman. He moved a lot of product, but eventually went out of business because of his charitable nature.

He never took anything for granite.

I'm going to start a family business that specializes in handicap exclusive parking lots

I'll call it Park n' Sons

I get a lot of head in my job

Man, I love being an executioner

I started babysitting to make some extra cash and it’s a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be...

I’ve been sitting on this baby for the last hour and a half and it hasn’t made a sound.

Plugging in a USB is a lot like arguing with my wife...

50% chance of being right, but also 100% chance of getting it wrong.

What do you call a woman who spends a lot of time in church towers?

Belle.

Lots of people are making wheelchair jokes about FDR.

I’m not gonna take that sitting down.

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

Intercoursing with a motivator is a whole lot new fun.

She will keep you coming.

Do painters uses a lot of primer?

Well, I gesso.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

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Sex is a lot like Jenga

You can only pull out so many times before it all comes crashing down.

Today, after a quick search, I realized that I'm actually related to a lot of people on Reddit.

Either that, or it turns out that there are just an awful lot of nice grandpas who sucked at building cabinets.

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops

Edit: Temel is a fictional character in Turkish jokes. Hope you like.

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops. One day he wins the lottery and the locals wait for him to pay back what he owes – and maybe more. However three months down the line, Temel still hasn’t paid anything so the sh...

Lots of rain lately - anyone need an Ark built?

I Noah guy.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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Sex is a lot like beef jerky.

It’s rough, tough, and found easily in truck stops.

Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?

Cramming for the final.

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I was dating a girl who was known to have had a lot of guys in the past [NSFW]

Things were heating up in the bedroom when she asked me to put a finger inside her.
"Now try two" she said. I obliged. "Now three" again not wanting to disappoint, I did as she asked.
"Now your whole hand!" she demanded. This went on until I had both hands inside her!
"Now clap" she asked.<...

My sister's onlyfans makes a lot of money

I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do when she finds the hidden cameras

When I was a preteen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana, so when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so elated, but I only played with it once.

And then all I wanted was grandma back.

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and as...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas,

but they usually go over people's heads.

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

A 22 rifle is a Lot like Bill Cosby

A Lot of people grew up with it without knowing What it coud do to a person in close quarters

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

What do you call a guy who’s had lots of one-night stands?

A cli-tourist.

I learned a lot from my divorce.

Do you know they won't sell you a gun if you're crying?

I have a lot of jokes on unemployed people...

But none of them work

Old relationships are a lot like algebra...

have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

Life is a lot like a helicopter.

I have no clue how to operate it.

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

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My girlfriend’s been giving me a lot of blowjobs lately...

I don’t understand why she can’t get her own cocaine.

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Costco Parking Lot Advice

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now...

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My best friend and I have a lot in common, but not everything

For example,

He and his wife never fight, but I fight with my wife all the time.

He and his wife talk over dinner, but I never talk to my wife.

He and his wife never have sex, but I have sex with his wife all the time.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

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Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

I am wanted by a lot of girls...

They may or may not be bounty hunters.

Where does a laundryman who washes lots of clothes live?

Washington

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

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Late one night, a cop shines his spotlight on a car parked in a church parking lot. He sees an older man in the backseat with a younger woman.

"Okay," the cop says to the man. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get out of the car. Now!"

The older man protests, telling the cop, "But officer! I'm Pastor Fluff!"

"I don't give a shit if you're already up her ass, get the fuck out of the car."

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

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I wasted a lot of time training.

When I learned that cockfighting is done with Chickens. That’s 12 months I’m not getting back.

A lot of man have this fantasy of being with 2 women at the same time

One to cook and another one to clean.

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?

He loves to use his wokka wokka!

If you ever come home after lots of beer and curry,

eat some toilet paper it'll save time in the morning.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist.

I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

I said to my teenage son "There are two words I'm hearing a lot, and they're starting to grate"

"I'd like you to stop using them so much, please. One of them is 'cringe' and the other is 'epic'. Do you think you could manage that?"

He said "Sure, Dad -- what are the two words?"

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

How can you get a lot of karma from one post?

I don't know but it's probably a piece of cake.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

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I've been hurt a lot...

But I've learned not to text while walking. I keep bumping into shit.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

Lots of people talk about werewolves...

But noone ever asks whenwolves

The remake of Mulan and the Chinese banner have a lot in common.

They're both huge red flags with stars in their corner.

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cow.

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

A hammer has a lot of uses

For example, it can be a bus pass, or a dinner coupon.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?

Baron Wasteland.

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

What's the easiest way for a person to get a lot of head?

Just pour a beer very poorly.

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There has been lots of skepticism on whether advertised Penis Enlargement methods actually work. However recent studies proved that "virtual" Penis Enlargement (VPE) does work.

Your penis doesn't actual grow in size, but appears larger to your partner. The most effective VPE, was shown to be Money.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions?

A philosiraptor.

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

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