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A college professor started to notice that Dave, one of his students, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

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I was dating a girl who was known to have had a lot of guys in the past [NSFW]

Things were heating up in the bedroom when she asked me to put a finger inside her.
"Now try two" she said. I obliged. "Now three" again not wanting to disappoint, I did as she asked.
"Now your whole hand!" she demanded. This went on until I had both hands inside her!
"Now clap" she asked.<...

My sister's onlyfans makes a lot of money

I'm going to have to tell her when she finds the hidden cameras

Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?

Cramming for the final.

Life is a lot like a helicopter.

I have no clue how to operate it.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot.

But I always found 'em.

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

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Late one night, a cop shines his spotlight on a car parked in a church parking lot. He sees an older man in the backseat with a younger woman.

"Okay," the cop says to the man. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get out of the car. Now!"

The older man protests, telling the cop, "But officer! I'm Pastor Fluff!"

"I don't give a shit if you're already up her ass, get the fuck out of the car."

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

I have a lot of jokes on unemployed people...

But none of them work

Shy does Sean Connery have a lot of wood chip in the bank?

He opened a shavings account.

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist.

I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?

He loves to use his wokka wokka!

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

God In The Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says “Nev...

I said to my teenage son "There are two words I'm hearing a lot, and they're starting to grate"

"I'd like you to stop using them so much, please. One of them is 'cringe' and the other is 'epic'. Do you think you could manage that?"

He said "Sure, Dad -- what are the two words?"

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[NSFW] Sex is a lot like having a conversation.

When one person is in control, the other person is sitting there going "Yea! Yea!... Oh! Yea, oh god...Yea! Yea!....

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Politics is a lot like video games

You want to best your opponent.

You could be red, or blue.

And some autist thinks he can win by pressing a bunch of random buttons.

How can you get a lot of karma from one post?

I don't know but it's probably a piece of cake.

Dating is a lot like fishing.

Sure, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I’m just stuck here holding my rod.

The remake of Mulan and the Chinese banner have a lot in common.

They're both huge red flags with stars in their corner.

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Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

my parents must be getting invited to a lot of parties

because at night all i can hear is “ oh yeah i’m gonna come”


side note: why am i never invited to these parties?

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There has been lots of skepticism on whether advertised Penis Enlargement methods actually work. However recent studies proved that "virtual" Penis Enlargement (VPE) does work.

Your penis doesn't actual grow in size, but appears larger to your partner. The most effective VPE, was shown to be Money.

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?

Baron Wasteland.

What's the easiest way for a person to get a lot of head?

Just pour a beer very poorly.

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A married couple had been fighting a lot lately

The wife wanted money and the Husband felt she was being too demanding. One day he goes out and gets 'MONEY' tattooed on his penis. He comes back home and tells the wife "I met a Genie and he made my penis a money making penis. So the next time you need some money just come & suck it." He went t...

A hammer has a lot of uses

For example, it can be a bus pass, or a dinner coupon.

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions?

A philosiraptor.

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cow.

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

Lots of people talk about werewolves...

But noone ever asks whenwolves

What do you call a river amphibian that spends a lot of time on the dark web?

Haxolotl

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I play battlefield and I switch teams a lot. Yesterday I found out why

I’m part Italian

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person;

It's bound to come up sooner or later!

I've always had a lot of respect for single moms

That's why i go to the strip clubs and donate my dollar bills.

i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin

...how is that guy still alive?

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

A parking lot walks into a bar

He says “I’ll take one for the road”

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

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Jokes have a lot in common with farts...

If you have to try too hard, it's probably shit.

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There was a family living on a farm with a lot of cows.

One night misteriously all of the cows died and in the morning the father gathered his 3 sons and said to the oldest of them:

"Son, I give you this money so you can buy us new cows. However on your way to town don't take the shortcut!"

And so wandered the oldest son out of the farm. On...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations-

What do angles fish for in heaven?
Holy mackerels

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

I know there's a lot of people who don't want to wear masks, but you know what I don't get?

Coronavirus.

You can tell a lot about a girl just from looking at her ankles

For example, if they’re behind her head, she likes you.

I talk to myself a lot

Hey me too!

I know a lot of jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has heard it before

So I heard a lot of protestors are getting bagged by the police...

I guess they'll go to court on Trumped-up charges.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

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Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to...

2 women are in an elevator and a man with a lot of danruff walks in and gets off the next floor down.

One woman turns to the other and say "We should have given him Head and Shoulders?"


The other asks "How do you give shoulders?"

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

A friend once told me how many cars fit in a Walmart parking lot on average.

I don't remember the exact number but it was a lot.

It being Father’s Day, it got me thinking... Dads are a lot like boomerangs.

I hope.

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot...

...One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them...

I feel sad a lot...

Even my cake is in tiers

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she growled angrily. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

People tell me there are lots of rivers in Africa. They're wrong, there's only one.

Denial.

My wife and I have been arguing a lot because she thinks I’m too pedantic

So I’ve started drinking.

She told me, “Alcohol isn’t a solution.”

“Actually,” I replied “it’s excellent at dissolving many substances.”

You can tell a lot about a person...

But it won't understand you.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

My relationships are a lot like algebra.

I often look at my X and wonder Y.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Well, three to be exact.

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts

Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I've noticed a lot of translated jokes lately, and wanted to try one myself

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes.

They're perfectly harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.



\- John Branyon

These days America has a lot in common with my wife's legs,

I'm dying for them to reopen.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

A joke my grandpa told a lot.

Man 1: My dog drank some gasoline.

Man 2: What happened?

Man 1: He ran around like crazy for an hour then fell over.

Man 2: Did he die?

Man 1: No he ran out of gas.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

A lot of people think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

I always tell them, “don’t worry, I can stop whenever I want.”

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

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Two fisherman were talking: -I can't have sex with my wife

Why?

-Because She has gonorrhea.

So what, fuck Her in the ass.

-I can't because She has diarrhea.

Then ask Her to for a blowjob

-No, because She has phyrrea.

Goddamn dude, so why the hell did You marry Her?

-Because She has worms and You know I like f...

I saw a man sitting in a parking lot, beating his forehead with a hammer. I asked him, "why are you doing that to yourself!?"

He replied, "because it feels so good when I stop doing it!"

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

"There are a lot of false quotes on the internet."

-Abraham Lincoln

One to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of lot of people.

If they laugh, you are still young. If they panic and start running to you, you're old.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

I've had it with people reposting that joke that mistakenly implies that "plethora" means "a lot".

It's too much.

Drugs are a lot like women...

If you abuse them. Crystal, Mary Jane, and Molly will destroy your life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

My Physics teacher said to me: you have a lot of potential. You should use it.

We were at the top of the building.

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Sex is a lot like math

You add the bed

You subtract the clothes

You divide the legs

And you pray you don't multiply!

A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

Friends are a lot like penguins

If you stab them, they die

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You know who’s still best friends after going through a lot of shit together?

Your butt cheeks.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

I ate a lot of alphabet soup ..

.. and later had a large vowel movement.

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What amusement park ride has a lot of iron?

The ferous wheel.

Quarantine would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't stuck in a room with my least favorite person.

I should get roommates.

My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”

I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”

“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked

I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”

Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

I replied “Nah she’s not your size”

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

I told my dad recently "life would be a whole lot easier if you just pulled out"

He replied "I think I tried!"

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

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