UPJOKE
whywhatthatextenthoweverwaywaysknowtheyverycouldmanylearnthenmanner

How Jokes

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.
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(NSFW) How do you lure a pervert?

Just add the NSFW tag.
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How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.
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How Long?

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"...
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I like my men how I like my coffee

Sorta hot and picked up at the gas station
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.
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How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...
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How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says，‟You know，I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking，I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

How does an alchemist get his wife off?

Elixir
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.
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How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them
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How did communists light their homes before candles?

with light bulbs
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How did the trans guy come out to his parents?

“There’s something that I really need to get off of my chest”
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How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
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Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, girl ant.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s
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How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy
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how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

How easy is it to get reddit karma?

It's a piece of cake.
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How did 10 die?

because it was in the middle of 9 11.
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How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...
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Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
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How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was
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How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.
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How do you annoy a Texan?

Just say your power grid is working!
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Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”
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how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side
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How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.
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How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
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How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.
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How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic
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Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
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How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in
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How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...
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How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark
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How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.
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How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.
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How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000
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How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]
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A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...
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How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.
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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not
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Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"
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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-
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How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.
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One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...
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How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.
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How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks
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how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.
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How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is
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How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane
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How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.
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How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...
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How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.
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Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
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Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: How long will I live?

The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Which holiday? Putin asked.

The psychic smiled and said. Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday
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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
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How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.
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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
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Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
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Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus
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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."
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How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!
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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.
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LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...
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I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
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How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.
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How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is
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How to become a millionaire:

Step One: Be a billionaire

Step Two: Short sell $GME
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes
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How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints.
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My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"
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How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?

Thank him for the pizza
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How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...
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How does Rob Zombie make brownies?

EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!



Edit - Yes I understand it would be better with CAKE and not BROWNIES.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...
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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...
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How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea
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How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.
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How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.
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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.
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How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!
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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.
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My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
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How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

\-

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.
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How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?

Start with ten million.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

How do Millennials fireproof their homes?

By never owning one.
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How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
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Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.
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I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
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My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.
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Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...
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How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...
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How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.
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How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
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How did the hacker get away from the police?

He ransomware.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...
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How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.
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How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant
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How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.
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Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...
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How do trees access the internet?

They log in.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it
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