Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and asks, "Were you the one being robbed?"

"No, I committed the robbery," the man casually says....

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)

Just add the NSFW tag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

How does an alchemist please his wife?

Elixer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

How are women and lightbulbs alike?

Both shine light into your life (:

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son." I told him.

How Drunk Are You?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Friend: "how hard is it to get upvotes on reddit?"

I told him it was a piece of cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

My friend works in IT, and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"

Stupid firefighters.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

How can you milk a sheep?

Release a new iPhone.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

How many morons does it take to read a reddit post?

Just one.



Thanks for reading.

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

I would make a joke about how yo mama so fat...

But we shouldn't talk about the elephant in the room.

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

You pull down you pants and show him your nuts.

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Tentickles.

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

My doctor asked me to keep track of my bowel movements, I said how?

He said keep a log

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his food before it was cool

How does a redditor get karma on their cakeday?

They flag their post as nsfw.

Googled 'how to light a cigar'...

and got 70 million matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 10 year old girl asks her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves. In a few months, it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

How do you fit a body in a trunk?

Take the first two out.

How do you know it's raining cats and dogs?

When you walk outside and step in a poodle.

One furry asked another furry how she like it in bed

'Ruff', she said.

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many calories are there in eating pussy?

Depends on which way she wipes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Interviewer: how do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Man: that’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: that’s pretty impressive! You’re hired.
Man: thank you, I really need this yob.

How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I've stopped counting.

How do you find Will Smith on the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One's an elephant.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

My 3.5 year olds favourite joke: how do the oceans say hello to each other?

They wave.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I can't remember how to write 1, 100, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals.

IM LIVID

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare

But I think it's much ado about nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asked his Scottish buddy how many sexual partners he's had.

The Scottish guy started counting, and then fell asleep.

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

How do you tell the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

How did the people of India get so good at medicine?

They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell your wife is dead?

Sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you tell which is which?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is Bud Light like having sex in a boat?

They're both fucking close to water.

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

How do drummers ask if they can take a break?

It’s quite simple

“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”

How do you make a pirate angry?

By taking away the P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an itheberg.



Btw.. every single person i’ve ever told this joke to said they didn’t get it or that it wasn’t funny.. why am I the weirdo that finds it funny? And why am I picturing Mike Tyson?

Obv not my joke I heard it on Come Dine With Me

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

I’m thinking about learning how to make mirrors

It’s something I could really see myself doing

How do babies keep track of their fathers?

They use an extensive dada-base.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than your dick.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are..

..but I laugh more.

How would a triangle kill itself?

With the hypotenoose.

How are Christmas ornaments and Jeffery Epstein the same?

They don't hang themselves.

How does a pirate measure distance?

With Yaaards!

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

How does a flat-earther travel the world?

On a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You ‘neak up on it

how did the arguement between the electricians come to an end?

they found common ground

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

How did Juliet maintain constant temperature?

Romeostasis.

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

How do dolphins become happy?

They produce endolphins!

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if a female co-worker that you flirted with at work is into you?

If she *doesn't* report you for sexual harassment, then she's into you

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking!



Jk... Rolling

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?

Get his wife pregnant

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

Say softly "Their, there, they're"

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

How will Joe and Jill Biden spend thanksgiving with proper social distancing?

Biden selves.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

How did the pervert find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

How do you talk to a COVID denier

Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday.

Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.

Her: "What's that!"

Me: "I can explain...it's not what it looks like!"

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.’”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How do you know when your woman is having an orgasm?

When you see my truck in your driveway

How do you call non-binary cowboys?

They use them/there pronouns.

Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?

It's a harrowing experience.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw em.

How do you turn six into nine?

Remove the “s”.

Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me?

Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there.

How do you spell Canada, eh?

C, eh?

N, eh?

D, eh?

How long is a Chinese name

You May not have Heard it before but it is really a chinese name.

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do people have phone sex?

The charging hole is too small for me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I feel about masturbation?

Well, on the one hand it feels good...

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

How do you get the bass player to leave the party?

Pay him for the pizza.

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