How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

What do you call a group of muslims that turn into a giant robot?

A mecca

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

My girlfriend keeps yelling out Uncle when we make love and it turns me off. But i cant judge her.

or ask for a better niece.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

Every time I see a naked person, they turn me on.

I’m a shower head.

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector ...

‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So it turns out there actually is a difference between necklace beads and anal beads.

Flavor.

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

How do you turn a normal sofa into a sofa bed?

Forget your girlfriend's birthday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

What's the quickest way to turn a fox into a dog?

Marry it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call female prostitutes who turn out to have penises.

Trojan whores.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mechanic has just finished a particularly tough job. When the customer shows up to get the vehicle, it turns out to be a surgeon. He vents in frustration to the doctor: “I don’t get it! How come I bust my butt all day putting cars back together, and only make a fraction of what you do?”

“After all, is there really that much different? I open cars up, I fix them. You open people up, you fix them. What gives?”

The doctor pauses, and politely replies: “Well, I see your point there...but try doing all that with the engine running.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

Two guys are sitting on the bench at fencing class waiting for their turn to spar while watching a couple others practice on the piste

Guy1: You see the guy on the left there? I bet he's got a lot of karma on reddit.

Guy2: Wow! How can you tell?

Guy1: The only thing he knows how to do is riposte.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment!

I did it once and fucking killed a cyclist.

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

They wanted me to turn it up

but loud music is not my forte.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

A Jewish woman turns to her husband and asks,

# "Joseph, what is my love worth to you?"

# Joseph thinks for a while and replies," Am I buying or selling?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend turns on loud music whenever she goes to the bathroom...

So I can't hear shit.

How do you turn water into "holy water?"

You boil the hell out of it.

Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said I mixed up my viagra with my knee pain meds. I insisted I hadn't, but it turns out after taking them that she was right.

I stand erected.

When Matthew McConaughey is driving which way does he turn?

All right, all right, all right.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give her a shovel.

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

How do you turn a soup into gold

Add 14 carrots

So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.

I replied “make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sad and depressed last year, but i decided to turn that shit around.

This year imma be depressed and sad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

Why do the leaves turn red at the same time each year?

Because the process is autumnated.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

How do you turn milk into cheese?

Put it in solid dairy confinement.

How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

What do you call making four left turns while vaping?

A Juulers loop.

A man turns to his wife and says: “I want to die while making love to you.”

His wife replies: “at least it will be a quick death!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does everything turn to shit after the British take over it?

Because its colon-ization.

What do you call a hipster who turns into a skeleton?

Urban Decay!

I did not originally think of this, I heard it from a friend

Why did the psychic turn her client down?

Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

How does electrician turn down services

He refuses it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

What’s hard and dry at first but once out in a mouth turns soft, wet and sticky?

Gum

Why did the cranky actress turn down the role of Marie Antoinette?

She was in no mood to do a period drama.

An old Chinese couple turn in for the evening

While lying in bed, the husband turns to the wife and says "You give me 69!"

And the wife responds "What? You want Beef and Broccoli now!?!"

Today I happily walked through a forest, singing a little song, as suddenly an evil sorcerer walked up and told my he'd turn me into a dwarf because I woke him up with my noise.

Now I feel kinda grumpy.

Scientists got bored after watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...

They called it a day.

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

I like my coffee like I like my voter turn out

Strong.

What turns Mrs. Batman on?

Batteries.

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

Turns out that my dad was fired from his roadwork job for theft.

Then when I came home, the signs were there.

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

how many dead babies do you need to turn a light on?

apperantly more than twelve because my basement is still dark.

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What turns on a male duck the most?

A nice butt quack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Viagra won't turn you into James Bond...

But it will help you Rodger Moore.

Two cheeses are walking through the woods when they hear a spooky sound. One cheese turns to the other and shouts...

Ricotta g-ouda here!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How the fuck am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

It turns out that I am really good at drawing..

Well,at least the doctor said so,as he spoke in a British accent about how I am artistic..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you "turn on" a computer?

You press her buttons.

Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys meet in a bar, and over drinks, one of them turns to the other and says, "Erm, I have to confess something, I'm a masochist, I like it when people hurt me."

The other guy says, "Really? I'm a sadist, I like to hurt people, want to come
home with me?"

They get to the sadists house, and into the basement, where the walls are
lined with whips and implements for causing pain, and the masochist is
overwhelmed with joy. He takes off his shirt,...

If I'm ever on life support in an ICU and don't wake up from a coma, please turn the system off.

And then back on and see if that works.

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

What’s red and white and can’t turn around in an elevator?

A ballerina with a javelin through her head.

[NSFW] Condoms Are Like Turn Signals

I never use them.