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Turn Jokes

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!
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My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
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God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...
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Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
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How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...
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The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."
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It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.
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The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.
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When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.

The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"

The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."

I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."
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What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist?

$1,000
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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!
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An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...
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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.
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What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead
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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...
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Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.
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My wife and I were arguing as to whose turn it is to do the laundry.

Finally, …I threw in the towel.
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Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."
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My teacher said "Nathan! Turn in your essay!"

I replied, "fuck that, I ain't telling u nothin! Ain't no way I'm lettin my homie go down like that!"

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.
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TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
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I've read the bible and it turns out, I only believe in 12.5% of it.

Guess that makes me an Eighth Theist.
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If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right
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Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."
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Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...
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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.
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I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector ...

‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
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In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”
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After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.
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How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
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When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent
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Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
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What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
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18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
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So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?
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ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
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If you turn the base up too high, you blow out your speaker

and then your party is in trouble.
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While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...
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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
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When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
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Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Why did the tomato turn red...?

It saw the salad dressing
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So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?”

Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”
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My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turns out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.
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My first three boyfriends all turned out to be pyromaniacs, and now I'm struggling to trust men.

I've just been burned too many times.
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Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...
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A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

My GPS told me to turn around.

Now I cannot see where I am going.
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Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.
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Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
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A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...
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As the plane took off, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “Have you ever flown solo?”

Co-pilot: No. Typically I fly much higher than this.
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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

How do you turn a dyslexic into a polytheist?

You take them to a dog park!
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Turn Around

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the...

Son: The manual says that we should not turn the stereo up to full volume.

Dad: That’s…..sound advice.
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I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
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What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime?

Dyslexia
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Jokes about tech support really turn me off

...and then back on.
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The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...
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How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
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“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION
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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...
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A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?

Aye Matey!
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The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".
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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...

He turns to his copilot and says:
"I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."
When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

MTV turns 40 this year.

Thanks for 14 years of music.
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When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When he leaves you and never comes back.
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Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No
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What do you call a country that was once Marxist and now might turn Marxist once more?

Remarxable
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I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.
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I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

I waited in a really long line that turned out to be fake.

It was a giant faux queue.
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Q. How do you turn water into Holy Water?

A. Boil the Hell out of it.
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It turns out Alanis Morisette has a huge collection of Pennywise dolls

Who would have thought?
IT figures
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Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend
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Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.

"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
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Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

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I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

I turned 31 today

I'm in the prime of my life
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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay

I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.

I'm really getting sick of turning up early to concerts

They always promise The Doors will be opening for every band, but they never show up.
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My bedside lamp turned into a butterfly this morning.

Last time I buy a cheap larva lamp.

A man made an illegal U-turn at a red light when taking his son to school. He said, “Oh no! I have made an illegal U-turn!”

The son replied, “It’s ok, dad. The police car behind us did the same thing!”
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How do you turn Reddit into Twitter

Sort by controversial
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I invited my girlfriend to the gym the other day. She didn’t turn up.

We just aren’t working out.
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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The te...
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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Why did a blonde turn down a promotion

She didn't wan't to break the glass ceiling
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Robin turned and shouted, "The Batmobile won’t start!" Batman growled, "Check the battery!" Puzzled, Robin wondered...

"What’s a tery?"
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What do you call it when you get turned on by a journalist?

Wet from the press
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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!
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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

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The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around.

Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do...

My dogs only like me when I turn on the AC

I guess that's what they call, *airconditional love*.
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Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...
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So Cleopatra turns to Marc Antony and says…

“Not tonight, dear, I’m on my pyramid.”
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How do you turn root beer into beer?

Put it in a square cup!
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It turns out Neutrinos are Catholic.

They have mass.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...
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I'm slowly turning into a cat.

Don't ask meow?
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How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)
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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...
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