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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

The day he turned 65 my grandfather started walking 5 miles a day. He's 97 now.

And we have no idea where he is.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

How do u turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it.

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

If I had a p*rn addiction and when I get older it turns into a s*x addiction,

Could you say my addiction... got out of hand?

Electricians of Reddit. How do you turn off the carbon monoxide detector?

The loud beeping is making me feel dizzy and nauseous.

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

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Every time I get aroused, my penis turns into a crocodile.

The doctor said I have ereptile dysfunction.

Two friends are out for a walk when one turns and asks the other: “if you could have absolutely anything right now, what would it be?”

The other friend thinks for a moment before replying: “I really want to have a nice, relaxing evening at home watching my favourite show with my friend.” The other friend looks extremely confused an says, “What? Imagine you could have ANYTHING. Anything you could have ever dreamt of. A massive house...

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

Christopher Nolan always turns down the chance to smoke a blunt

He prefers a BONNGGG

CDC announces a new dye that turns coronavirus black

so police will kill it for us.

Did you hear about the Russian man who got turned into a chevy?

They call him Vlad the Impala.

It turns out my toaster isn’t waterproof

I was shocked.

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!

What is Middle-Eastern, vegetarian and turns lead into gold?

The falafel-er's stone

At dinner, a lady turns to the woman next to her...

and says: “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”

“Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”

“The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”

“Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”
<...

A Finnish man turns to his friend...

"You hear the restrictions are lifting up from 2m?"

His mate replies: "Finally we can go back to the usual 5m."

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

A mathematician asked me to turn 6 into 9 by subtraction

Me: You mean by addition?

Him: No, by subtraction.

Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk

Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

My wife turns on the alarm even when we are all home enjoying a quiet spring evening.

I think she is unnecessarily alarmist.

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

My father is turning 70 this year

He’s finally going to be old enough to run for President.

What do you call a knight who turned into an upvote-addict on Reddit?

Sir Karmalot.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle. The clue was "Dishonestly gaining a advantage," eight letters.

I immediately felt bad for looking it up, that was cheating.

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

My girlfriend once turned to me in bed

She asked me:Jake would you ever consider adoption

I answered:Only if you got pregnant

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said "Gee it's hot in here"

The other one shouted "Wow, a talking muffin"

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My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Polar bears used to be brown but through evolution, they turned white

because Police were shooting them



\-Mark Normand

Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course...

Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!

What did they rename the Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the biggest turn off when having sex?

When you wife says: Honey, I'm home!

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The one turns to the other and says:

“Does he taste funny to you?”

The NSFW feature will be turned off until further notice...

Due to everyone working from home.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA meeting

I've never seen Han So low

A dark turn

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back alone.”

A kid at church with his parents turned to his mom and said “mom I have to go pee” she looked back and said “we’re in church don’t say pee say whisper”

So the next weekend he looked at his dad and said “dad I need to whisper” and his dad said “do it in my ear”

Turning grandpas ashes into fireworks

Call it going out with a bang.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her...

"And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A police officer turned up at my house the other day and told me my dad was pronounced dead

I couldn’t believe I’d been pronouncing it wrong all this time

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

Definitely a repost, but the following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students ...

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

"I don't know how to drive this thing."

Modern times:- Success is when your "signature" turns into "autograph", In olden times Success is

Success is if your "murder" turns into "assassination".

A taxi driver swerved around a corner at high speeds. “Just a bad turn” I think.

A little while goes by and I feel the g-forces of another fast turn. I look at the road ahead and think “hmmm no hazards”. Looking ahead I notice another turn and brace myself. After getting slammed into the door I speak up and say “dude can you go slower around the corners or something” he responds...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

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2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my butt fell asleep the other says

yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

Due to the pandemic, my boss ordered me to turn off TCP/IP and only use UDP.

Handshakes are no longer allowed.

I turned up to what was supposed to be a vegan gathering

but there was no meet.

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable?

Push him down the stairs.

What's yellow and turns to the dark side?

Bananakin Skywalker.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!”

The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who turns invisible when he masturbates?

I never saw him coming

I've done it... I've figured out how to turn invisible!

Hi! Do you have five minutes to help save the children?

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

You can’t turn a hoe into a house wife,

but the coronavirus can

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

So last night I wrote some light-hearted jokes on a piece of paper, and then turned the lights off, to go to sleep.

I was really mad, realising it was now dark humor.

My teacher told me to turn in my essay...

But I ain’t no snitch.

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Failure has always turned me on...

Its just makes my erectile dysfunction way more confusing

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Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin...

After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”.

He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick.

After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and ...

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A scientist turns up a bottle then immediately spits the contents across the room.

You said that was water! It tastes like fucking peroxide!

You asked what I was drinking I said H^(2)O. Then you asked what was in that bottle and I said ," That's H^(2)O^(2)'

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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

How do you turn a spoon into a fork?

Open up the drawers.

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown..

Cuz he’s a key worker.

I'm a 50 y/o woman and without a hair saloon I'm turning grey. This deprives me of my dignity.

I think I'll have to dye alone.

Could you imagine the world if we all turned out to be nocturnal..

the difference is night and day.

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

Independent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts.

All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How a good day turns bad

A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied, “Well, I’m guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

The man’s wife quick...

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop.

They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

Genies really turn me on

In fact I’m gonna rub one out

Trump’s Coronavirus response may be turning off Older voters

RIP

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A man wakes up feeling a bit frisky. Turns to his wife and whispers, “how about a morning quickie?”

His wife says, “I’d love to, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist today and it’d be awkward.”

Her husband thinks about it for a minute and says, “Do you have a dentist appointment?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant

It's a real game changer...

I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog.

I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did...

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

It turns out I was wrong about my orthopedic shoes

I stand corrected.

Why did the pilot turn his plane into pens, pencils and a ruler?

Because to refuel it needed to be stationery.

When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.

We call it our Con Den session.

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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