Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

A fan walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and...

then back to the door, then to the bartender and back to the door...

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually.... I folded.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag?

Remove the dot.

It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is yellow and turns red when you push the button?

Duckling in a blender.

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours

They called it a day

How do you turn a pistol into a shotgun?

Just shoot it

Why did the pear turn itself into juice?

Because of the pear pressure

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

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Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey took his Lincoln to the dealership after it couldn’t make left turns?

It could only go all right, all right, all right!

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

You put it in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

2 parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says:

Do you smell fish?

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

A Marine turns to a CIA agent and asks, “Why are we in Panama again?”

The agent shrugs and replies, “Just ‘cause.”

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

How do you turn a pizza brown?

Eat it.

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

How do male pray mantises turn on their partners?

They give them a little head.

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Turns out my wife likes Mexican food more than sex.

When I asked her if she wanted some dick for dinner, all she said was “nachos.”

What's the weirdest thing a woman can turn into?

A fish.

(Courtesy of my 15 year old autistic brother)

Two older couple were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night!
Old man 2: What's the name of it ?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower called?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. *turn...

When does a joke turn to a dad joke?

When the Punch line becomes a parrent

I'd love to find a way to turn the autocorrect off.

I'm tired of that shiv.

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People turn into their pets

That’s why your mom’s such a bitch.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

One wind turbine turns to the other and says: what's your favourite genre of music?

The other wind turbine replies: I'm a big heavy metal fan.

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says...

"It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?"



The other blade of grass responds: "Well, we'll just have to make dew."

If you ever feel that your job is pointless...

Just remember that there is someone out there in a BMW factory installing turn signals.



Credit to /u/Snorkels721 , just sharing the golden comment

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says “geez it’s hot in here”. The other replies:

“AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN”

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

You marry her.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

That turned a dark turn

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

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As we made love she said "Ill let you put it in my ass but you have to turn the light off first"

I really should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

"Is it OK if I turn the AC on?"

"Yeah, I'm cool with it."

How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt, Turns out she felt the same way.

**So I turned on the air conditioning.**

Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

I went to a family reunion in Nevada. Turns out what happens in Vegas...

Is executable back in Texas.

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

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Things don't always turn out the way you think they will.

I always expected my mum to catch ME masturbating.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

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When you're applauded as a wonderful lover but it turns out you don't kiss during sex.

You're all lip service without the lip service.

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

I tried to register slimshady.com, and it turns out the US government forcibly took it over.

They cited Eminem domain.

Police officer: "Turn around."

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."

Police officer: "**Turn around!**"

Me: "*Every now an-*"

\*gets tased\*

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

What do you call a potion that turns you into an atheist?

A suspension of disbelief

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

Turns out I've been dating a communist...

...I blame myself, I should've seen the red flags.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?

Turn off the lights.

I really love how the Earth turns

It really makes my day.

Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

Clint Eastwood turns up to his grandaughter's 5th birthday party...

Knowing that she loves the circus, he presents her with a stunning custom-made clown cake.



She is absolutely delighted and claps her hands with glee.



The party is almost over, Clint and the little girl are the only ones left in the kitchen and they decide to finish wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said, "I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Constipation can turn into a serious condition.

No shit.

Dad : Did you turn on the AC?

Son: I don't know what the AC likes, dad.

Dad: And yet you think why you're not even remotely in a relationship with a girl.

Two members from church went to pray for a woman who's infant was recently found to turn mute.

They knocked on the door of and the woman was clearly not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their prayers then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two church ...

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

Why does a pirate say when he turns 80?

Aye matey

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

I decided to turn my frown upside down one day.

Now my head is broken.

What does Tom do before it's his turn to sing?

Tom Waits.

When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street.

you'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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