Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

Scientists got bored of watching the Earth turn so after 24 hours

They called it a day

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

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So turns out dumbledore was gay

Brings a whole new meaning to his title of “headmaster”

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Two Sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says, it's kinda hot in here, the other says.

HOLY FUCK, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!

How do you turn a reckless driver into a good driver?

Add a W at the beginning of reckless.

My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She said, "Would you even consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector.

The beeping was making me nauseous and gave me a headache.

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

Why can't Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln make left turns.

Because it just goes Alright, Alright, Alright.

An old married couple are in church one day… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really wet, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

What do you call an old man with his hearing aids turned off?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

How do turn root beer into beer?

.. Put it in a square glass

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Took an unexpected turn

A man Runs Over a woman's Cat. Mortified, he picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.


Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.


"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."


Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tear...

We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once....

It wasn't right, man.

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

Two cows in a field. One turns to the other and says 'Bob, I've always wondered are you friesian?'

Bob thinks about it for a minute and replies 'No, I'm quite warm actually'

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

One shop owner turns and asks another...

“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”


He replied.
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

It turns out, Dolphins intelligence is second only to man.

This means women drop to third place.

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

Why did the cranberries turn red?

It saw the turkey dressing

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

How do you turn a pig into a fox?

8 beers.

It turns out that I’m related to the man who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

This time last year I was depressed and miserable, but I've turned it around.

I'm now miserable and depressed.

How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

Whats the name of the procedure to turn a woman into a man?

A strapadictomy

My teacher told me to turn in my essay today

I told her I ain't no snitch

I woke up this morning and my wife said "turn and face me"

I replied "I'm not ready to face my problems yet"

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

How does a Memphis girl turn on her bedroom light?

She opens the car door...

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

What does the Easter Bunny turn into when attacked?

Hop-timus Prime

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

How do you turn flour into self-raising flour?

Kick it out on to the streets

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said: "Try walking around the house naked."

What will The Last Airbender be called when he turns 50?

Boomeraang

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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

What do you call a drone that looks exactly the same when you turn it around 180°?

A palindrone

Google: turns 21.. google can drink..

But don't let google drive

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

I turned myself into the police today

It was fun pulling people over and taking their drugs until I got busted for impersonation.

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No.

My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

How do you turn a soup into gold?

You add 14 carrots in it

A fan walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and...

then back to the door, then to the bartender and back to the door...

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

When he turned 60, my grandfather started walking a mile a day

He's 75 now, and we have no idea where he is.

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

A man is lying in bed with his wife. His wife turns and says...

...hey if you can’t be honest I’m getting up.

Student doesn't turn in homework.

Teacher: Alright class, time to collect homework.
*walks around to collect homework, approaches student's desk. *

Teacher: "Where's your homework?"

Student: "I didn't know we had homework."

Teacher: "How? I posted it online."

Student: "I don't believe everything t...

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

It turns out my Ex likes to be dominated.

I was honestly shocked, I would never have pegged them as a sub.

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom...

Matthew McConaughey does not like to take left turns...

He’s all right, all right, all right.

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs turning red?

Rusty

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

To all the ladies that turned me down

Man you dodged a bullet

I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

Did you hear about the pimp who couldn’t turn a profit?

It was all over head.

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

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I went to the doctor...

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.

I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”

I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

You know what can turn you into a sh*thead almost instantly?

A bird

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

I didn't turn up to an important appointment today as I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I didn’t know my girlfriend after she turned vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

How do you turn an idiot into a nutritionist?

tell them you're vegan

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says..

‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

Two melons are sitting in a field and the first one turns to the second and says

"We've been together all this time we should run away and get married."

The second melon replies, "We cantaloupe, we're melons!"

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

As I turned on the car and put in reverse, I thought...

“Man, this really takes me back.”

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

Dr. Watson turned to Sherlock Holmes and asked what’s your favourite tree Sherlock.

“It’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson”

On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old, but no one ever celebrates it.

Except for me. And that was a very lonely night.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Do you know why cowboy's hats turn up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the cab of a pickup truck.

What do you call Doctor Strange when he has turned into a basket filled with vegetables?

Benedict Cucumber-batch

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

I ran into the doctors and said: "I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!!!"

He said: "No reason to be alarmed"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light..

But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one

How turn tap water into holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

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