A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

"Is it OK if I turn the AC on?"

"Yeah, I'm cool with it."

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

It's impressive that Jesus can turn water in to wine

but did you know that Adam can turn water in to electricity

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

Police officer: "Turn around."

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."

Police officer: "**Turn around!**"

Me: "*Every now an-*"

\*gets tased\*

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

You marry it.

I really love how the Earth turns

It really makes my day.

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Constipation can turn into a serious condition.

No shit.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What does Tom do before it's his turn to sing?

Tom Waits.

When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street.

you'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

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A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

Turns out I've been dating a communist...

...I blame myself, I should've seen the red flags.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said, "I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

Dad : Did you turn on the AC?

Son: I don't know what the AC likes, dad.

Dad: And yet you think why you're not even remotely in a relationship with a girl.

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment.

I tried it once, and nearly killed some bloke on a bike.

One wind turbine turns to another and what's your favourite genre of music, mines pop?

The other wind turbine replies, I'm a big heavy metal fan.

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Matthew McConaghey’s Car can’t make left turns...

It only goes, Alright, alright, alright.

I decided to turn my frown upside down one day.

Now my head is broken.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

What's black and white, red all over, and can't turn around in a hallway?

A nun with a spear through her

(Told this to a nun in highschool during class. She threw a blackboard eraser at me but laughed)

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

Why does a pirate say when he turns 80?

Aye matey

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

When I was driving my date home and she said “Turn here, onto the Pacific Coast Highway ...”

I knew I’d found The 1.

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So it turns out my mom’s birthday, April 18, is national piñata day

She sure is gonna be surprised when we shove candy up her ass and beat the shit out of her!

Botox turns 17 this year

Don’t look surprised

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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A scientist invented a machine that turns aged wine into fresh wine that hasn't aged at all.

"Eureka! I've finally made it, the machine to turn old wine into new wine!" says the scientist.

"We'll see if your invention is worth giving notice." says his colleague.

And so he tested it out for the last time. He went to the wine cellar in the basement and took some of the oldest wi...

How do you turn tap water into holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

Every time I see a naked person, they turn me on.

I’m a shower head.

Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink,

He answered "Yea Tea".

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Why did the caterer turn down the prostitute?

He didn't like the spread

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I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

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How do you turn a dick into a pussy?

Put a badge on it.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

How do you turn a normal sofa into a sofa bed?

Forget your girlfriend's birthday

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

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So it turns out there actually is a difference between necklace beads and anal beads.

Flavor.

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

Got a new girlfriend, turns out she’s anorexic,

lately I’ve been seeing less and less of her.

Just before the flight, the captain turns to his co-pilot and asks "So, why did you want to become a pilot?"

Co-pilot: I wanted to overcome my biggest fear in life.

Captain: And what's that? Fear of heights?

Co-pilot: Dying alone.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

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What do you call female prostitutes who turn out to have penises.

Trojan whores.

One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon

When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the b...

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

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As it turns out, a large majority of the participants in the Running of the Bulls are Catholic priests.

They all took a vow to stay chaste.

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

What's the quickest way to turn a fox into a dog?

Marry it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

Two guys are sitting on the bench at fencing class waiting for their turn to spar while watching a couple others practice on the piste

Guy1: You see the guy on the left there? I bet he's got a lot of karma on reddit.

Guy2: Wow! How can you tell?

Guy1: The only thing he knows how to do is riposte.

They wanted me to turn it up

but loud music is not my forte.

When Matthew McConaughey is driving which way does he turn?

All right, all right, all right.

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My girlfriend turns on loud music whenever she goes to the bathroom...

So I can't hear shit.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

A Jewish woman turns to her husband and asks,

# "Joseph, what is my love worth to you?"

# Joseph thinks for a while and replies," Am I buying or selling?"

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give her a shovel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

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I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...