Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once....

It wasn't right, man.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

How do you turn a pig into a fox?

8 beers.

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A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

Whats the name of the procedure to turn a woman into a man?

A strapadictomy

One shop owner turns and asks another...

“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”


He replied.
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

This time last year I was depressed and miserable, but I've turned it around.

I'm now miserable and depressed.

How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

How does a Memphis girl turn on her bedroom light?

She opens the car door...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

I can't wait until I turn 32

It will finally be legal to date women half my age for a change

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

What does the Easter Bunny turn into when attacked?

Hop-timus Prime

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

My teacher told me to turn in my essay today

I told her I ain't no snitch

What will The Last Airbender be called when he turns 50?

Boomeraang

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

What do you call a drone that looks exactly the same when you turn it around 180°?

A palindrone

Google: turns 21.. google can drink..

But don't let google drive

Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No.

I woke up this morning and my wife said "turn and face me"

I replied "I'm not ready to face my problems yet"

How do you turn a stew into gold?

Add 24 carrots.

My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said: "Try walking around the house naked."

My wife turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She asked, "Would you ever consider adoption?"

I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

A man is lying in bed with his wife. His wife turns and says...

...hey if you can’t be honest I’m getting up.

It turns out my Ex likes to be dominated.

I was honestly shocked, I would never have pegged them as a sub.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs turning red?

Rusty

Matthew McConaughey does not like to take left turns...

He’s all right, all right, all right.

Student doesn't turn in homework.

Teacher: Alright class, time to collect homework.
*walks around to collect homework, approaches student's desk. *

Teacher: "Where's your homework?"

Student: "I didn't know we had homework."

Teacher: "How? I posted it online."

Student: "I don't believe everything t...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Did you hear about the pimp who couldn’t turn a profit?

It was all over head.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

A fan walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and...

then back to the door, then to the bartender and back to the door...

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

To all the ladies that turned me down

Man you dodged a bullet

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

I didn't turn up to an important appointment today as I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

You know what can turn you into a sh*thead almost instantly?

A bird

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

I didn’t know my girlfriend after she turned vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

How do you turn an idiot into a nutritionist?

tell them you're vegan

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

Two melons are sitting in a field and the first one turns to the second and says

"We've been together all this time we should run away and get married."

The second melon replies, "We cantaloupe, we're melons!"

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says..

‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

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Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Ever...

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

Do you know why cowboy's hats turn up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the cab of a pickup truck.

I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

What do you call Doctor Strange when he has turned into a basket filled with vegetables?

Benedict Cucumber-batch

Dr. Watson turned to Sherlock Holmes and asked what’s your favourite tree Sherlock.

“It’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson”

How turn tap water into holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

I ran into the doctors and said: "I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!!!"

He said: "No reason to be alarmed"

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light..

But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old, but no one ever celebrates it.

Except for me. And that was a very lonely night.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What is yellow and turns red ?

A chick in a blender.

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye Matey

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese?

Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank

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How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag?

Remove the dot.

Every night I go to sleep thinking, “I’ve got all the drive to turn my life around.”

And every morning I wake up and think, “why didn’t my suicide attempt work?!”

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

A woman turns to her husband and asks...

"Dear, how many women have you slept with?" He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says..

"Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"

"No..no I don't." Says the rabbit.

So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his bum with it.

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am... Independent!

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

Turn where?

This really happened to me.

I was a driver in the Army and in one of the journey, an officer is sitting beside me looking at some notes.

When approaching a T junction, I asked "Turn left?"

Officer : "Right."

I then proceed to turn left.

After he sense I have made a...

I turn into Tupac when bill collectors call.

"There's no way I can pay you back, but my plan is to show you that I understand"

What do you get when you turn down a cheap shot of whiskey from Conor McGregor?

A cheap shot anyway

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours

They called it a day

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ...

While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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