What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up.

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying.

What are your online shopping habits?

You shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people,

You should write it.

Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

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Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store

Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

Want to become hot stuff and have people chasing after you and literally begging you to stop running away from them?

Be a bus driver

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

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A guy is working a his desk when he hears a voice in his head that says “sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas” the man is startled by this and asks his co-works if they heard that voice.

No one else hears it. Soon he hears it again.
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

After a few days it’s happening non stop!
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

Finally, the man gives in. He sells everything he owns and books a flight to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets ...

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

what is the best way to get stuff thrown at you?

brag about your reflexes.

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

What are you doing when, drunk at the bar, you're making theories about stuff you have no clue about ?

Counter intelligence

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What is the white stuff in birdshit?

Also birdshit.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

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Black people usually name their kids after stuff they can't afford.

Like Mercedes, Diamond, Hope, or Insurance.

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Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too

riveting stuff really.

So I've been studying how metal joinery was done before welding was invented. Riveting stuff really.

Iv come to the conclusion, I’m the white stuff in a Oreo

In between two hard black things

Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

Smoking the good stuff

me: "Dude, NASA faked the moon landing!"

friend: "Wait, u mean-----"

me: "Yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere!"

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life,

but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

Whats up with all this LGBTQ+ stuff?

Like I get there are more colors, but can't we just stick to **RGB**?

German stuff

I hate jokes about German sausages.....They're the wurst.

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

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How come all the other planets are named after cool stuff like gods?

Meanwhile, Earth is named after that dirty shit on the ground.

What do you call a loyalist in the 1760s who had black sticky stuff thrown on them for a second time?

Re-tarred

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

What do you stuff a parrot with?

Polyfilla

Do you know how to find videos of fat people doing stupid stuff?

TikTok ads

I used to be into drinking pot and other bad stuff until my parents yelled at me...

They said "You're not supposed to drink it, stupid."

I broke up with my boyfriend and fell asleep while he packed his stuff. I woke up to him gone and he took my toilet also.

Police were called, they saw the hole in the bathroom and are looking into it. Meanwhile, they have nothing to go on.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

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Three boys were sitting around, talking about stuff they wanted.

The first boy said, "man, I really want a gaming system. I would love to be able to sit around and play video games all the time."

The second boy said, "That would be great, but I want a new bike. I could get to anywhere in town if I had a new bike."

The third boy said, "I really wan...

Where do you write down stuff you never wanna do?

NopePad.

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

An old man asks his grandson "What was that German who keeps hiding my stuff called?"

The grandson replies "Alzheimer".

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!

Me: Don't you mean history?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong

I mean, it's not rocket surgery

a friend of mine did dumb stuff to get famous on facebook

I am not impressed by the likes of him .

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead

TIL there's a show all about the stupid stuff Donald Trump has done, or is going to do

It's called "The News"

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My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

Two guys are walking in the woods when

Two guys are walking in the woods when a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff.

In the morning they wake...

My wife told me she didn’t love me any more. She said I always forget the important stuff...

The thing is, I don’t remember what I forgot.

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

I feel like with all this political stuff going on, its become popular with a lot of people to be angry all the time.

Some might say its all the rage.

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

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TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.

That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

A man goes into a library

He picks up a copy of Thucydides, looks at it for a while, then sets it down and looks at a copy of Herodotus. The librarian approaches him and says "ah, into the kinky stuff, are you?" "Excuse me?" the man replies. "It's just, I can see you're browsing history."

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

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NSFW There's a new porn star , she only does hardcore butt stuff...

Ginger Lee Walken

[L] My friend Robert took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day.

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the short...

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

A pirate walks into a bar, then stuffs a steering wheel into his pants...

The bartender asks, "Isn't that uncomfortable?" So the pirate says, "Arrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?

Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you stuff cocaine up your butt...

...does that make it buttcrack?

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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My male friend told me he is into butt stuff...

...I didn't peg him as that sorta guy

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff

I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman at the grocery store goes to the register to check out her stuff..

She gets there and the cashier proceeds to scan her items.. One apple, one bottle of water, one yogurt, one banana etc.. One of everything....
So the cashier tells her:
- Ha! You must be single!
- Huh?, What makes you say that?
- Well you're fucking ugly

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