Stuff Jokes - 112 Hilarious Stuff Jokes

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty g...

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

A redneck brings a roadkilled deer on his flight and stuffs it in the overhead compartment.

The flight attendant asks him what the hell he thinks he's doing.

"I thought you said we was allowed one piece of carrion?"

there was a man in prison who could shoot electricity from his fingers and stuff.

he was charged with battery.

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

My wife makes excuses for stuff by saying she's OCD.

Nobody cares if you're a rapper, Margaret.

Stuff in the air...

The Country is on the lookout for flying objects.
Today, on Valentine's Day, Cupid almost got taken down by the National Air Patrol...

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

It won't be easy to tell that I started stealing stuff I find on the street,

but there will be signs.

Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!

Me: Don't you mean history?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

I need a power strip to plug stuff into.

Should I go to an Outlet Mall?

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Two boys decide to see who's stuff is better

"I have a small bottle of glue!" One boy says

"I have a whole tin of glue!" The other says

"Well I have ants." The boy says

"Well, I have taller ants!" The other says

"I have bread!" The boy says.

"Aww, can't beat that with my glue tin n' taller ants"

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot.

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

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My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear

Isinglass

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

I hate being asked what stuff I'm into

Like do I stay Harry Potter or Being Choked?

People talk too much about stuff like pollution and corruption

They forget that, nowadays, whataboutism is also a huge problem.

You shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people,

You should write it.

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People say the best stuff in life are free

But those people have clearly never had sex

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What's the white stuff in bird shit?

That's bird shit too

My mother-in-law just asked for "bath stuff" for her birthday

She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her

Why are there so many people who are offended by the stuff that Hank Hill does?

Because he sells profane accessories.

I hate it when chefs gossip about stuff

All they do is stand around and stir the pot.

I don't know how my wife figured out I was into some kinky stuff...

But she had me pegged from the start.

Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

Misplaced stuff

After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"

He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."

"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.

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If weaboos love Japanese stuff...

Ouiaboos love French stuff

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong

I mean, it's not rocket surgery

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

I asked my dad if I could borrow 50 dollars to buy stuff for Hanukkah...

He said "40 dollars? What do you need $30 dollars for?"

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you call a ghost with fancy stuff

Boougie

German stuff

I hate jokes about German sausages.....They're the wurst.

How do elephants transport stuffs?

In their trunks..

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff

I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.

Where are average stuff manufactured?

The satisfactory

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

Was helping my mum move some stuff from

her room to storage. She pointed out a mirror and proceeded to ask “Would you be able to take this downstairs for me?”

I responded, much to her disappointment...

“I can see myself doing that”

Did you know that the author of Harry Potter's favourite song is Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit?

JK, Rollin'

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Sell my stuff

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry a...

riveting stuff really.

So I've been studying how metal joinery was done before welding was invented. Riveting stuff really.

Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?

Amazon.

I'm not putting any Halloween or Christmas stuff in my yard this year.

I'm just going to stand on my back porch reciting the Gettysburg address. That will be my deck oration.

I can get almost all of my friends to do stupid stuff by simply saying, "YOLO"

It never seems to work with my Hindu friends though.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away

He died from a hand grenade

"You gotta prepare me for stuff like that!"

A man goes out of town on business, and asks his good friend if he can house sit for him whiles he's gone. The friend agrees, and a week later, the man shows back up at his home.

"Hey bro!" the man says as he opens his front door. "How did it go while I was gone? Everything go ok?"

"Yo...

Smoking the good stuff

me: "Dude, NASA faked the moon landing!"

friend: "Wait, u mean-----"

me: "Yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere!"

All the good stuff is gone

A bartender was closing the bar down for the night when he hears a knock on the back door. He opens the door to a homeless man and asks "How can I help you?" The homeless man asks the bartender if he can have a toothpick. The bartender looks perplexed and says sure. So he gives him a toothpick. The...

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I used to be into kinky stuff....

When I was younger I admit I used to have a kinky side. At first, like most young people exploring their sexuality, it started off with pretty tame stuff. Handcuffs....a little whipping....you know, BDSM.

But that grew boring eventually and I began to search for something new that coul...

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

Everyone. I got stuff from AMD.

My vision's getting hazy. I think I'm going blind.

I prefer it when doctors don’t sugarcoat stuff.

It helps because I’m diabetic.

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Warning to all men about purchasing stuff on eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller very carefully.

I just spent £95 + post and packaging. on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in direct sunlight."

Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

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My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

My wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

Why do Northern Europeans never get stuff done late

They’re already Finished

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

What was the name for that stuff that builds up under foreskin again?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

A mom decided to clean her teenage boy's room and she discovered a bunch of bondage & S&M gear - whips, handcuffs and stuff. She asked her husband what she should do about it and he replied...

"Probably not spanking him"

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Kinky Stuff...

So a guy walks into a bar with a really long face looking very dejected and sits at the bar and orders a drink. A while later a woman walks in also looking very down, sits a couple stools over from him and orders a drink.

Eventually they start chatting and she asks him,"Why the long face?"...

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

Are you sick of lawyers trying to sell you stuff on tv?

You might be entitled to compensation.

What do you stuff a parrot with?

Polyfilla

My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

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Three boys were sitting around, talking about stuff they wanted.

The first boy said, "man, I really want a gaming system. I would love to be able to sit around and play video games all the time."

The second boy said, "That would be great, but I want a new bike. I could get to anywhere in town if I had a new bike."

The third boy said, "I really wan...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Ellen should give away more stuff

Then rename her show Ellen the Generous.

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I gave my neighbor the benefit of the doubt when he said he'd stop hoarding stuff.

He won't give it back.

I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life,

but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

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In my experience, people who don’t like butt stuff...

Are usually full of shit

My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff.

It's so nerve-wracking.

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

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I was throwing some old stuff away

So I called my local waste removal company and asked: Can I have a skip outside my house tomorrow? And the cheeky bastard said: you can cartwheel round the block any time for all I care.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Someone broke into my garage and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!

Seriously, how low can you go?

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

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How come all the other planets are named after cool stuff like gods?

Meanwhile, Earth is named after that dirty shit on the ground.

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If you stuff cocaine up your butt...

...does that make it buttcrack?

Why does Alec Baldwin use his wife's stuff in stand up?

Because it's all Hilaria's.

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

An aspiring writer once said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

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A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her stuff...

He says "What's wrong? Are you leaving me?"
She says "That's right! My therapist finally convinced me that you're a pedophile."
He says "Pedophile huh? That's a pretty big word for a 10 year old."

A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

Phone rings at work

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?

Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

You know how stores move stuff around?

Target and Kroger do it for strategy but Walmart does it to keep you in there.

Before moving into the new house, my wife insisted that I throw away stuff that "Don't spark joy"...

I divorced the hag right away

What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand?

A toothbrush

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Nooo shit…me buying too much stuff?!

My wife was complaining about the fact that I'm buying too much useless stuff on the internet…..

So I sent her back to Thailand.

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