Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

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Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

Trump did make one thing about America great again!

The depression.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What’s one thing you can say to your dog and your bf

cum

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod.
2. I am allowed to make dad jokes.
3. I am a certified mother fucker.

What's the best thing about telling a coronavirus joke?

Everyone will get it eventually.

What’s 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



I'm proud of this joke

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Coronavirus, right off the bat.

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

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Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

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My buddy told me Tofu and dildos are basically the same thing

They are both meat substitutes

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

The best thing about using alcohol hand gel isn’t just the hygiene, it's that everyone walks around now looking like they’re...

...about to hatch a dastardly plan...

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

I have 1 thing in common with 37 men

My wife

You know the worst thing about working on a farm?

Milking the cows is udderly exhausting.

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Sometimes I use chocolate to smooth things up when I masturbate.

I call it the Willy Wanka.

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

What’s the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

It’s the little things that make you laugh...

According to my wife.

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly ...

There are 2 things I hate in this world: (1) People who put animal names in words...

...and (2) Hypocrites

When my wife goes out shopping she like to sample things before purchasing.

She is buy-curious.

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

Teacher: Can anyone give me examples of things that are useless?

Me: -raises hand-

Teacher: Very good! Any other examples?

Me:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

You know the 2 things that never get old?

Dark humour and unvaccinated children

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First thing this morning there's a tap on my front door.

My plumber thinks he's so fucking funny.

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What's the most stupid thing you have ever done to have sex.

- I got married

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As a true God fearing Catholic man, there are only two things I hate in this world....

Homosexuals and super hot attractive young men.

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The best thing about working from home is...

...I can masturbate at my desk and no one calls HR and the police.

What’s the most unrealistic thing about Parks and Recreation?

The main characters are uncorrupt members of government

Mom, what's the thing between your legs?

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on ...

The spread of coronavirus depends on two things:

1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

The depressing thing about playing tennis is.....

No matter how much you practice, you'll never be as good as a wall.

Everyone is happy when nice things are spoken

Everyone is sad when decorum is broken

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Why should you not call the penis and the prostate the same thing?

Because there's a Vas Deferens between them.

One of my buddies told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space, which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say...

Totally ruined our bath...

You know what is the first thing you need to create steam?

A VALVe.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I sure don’t know, but their flag is a big plus!

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What’s the worst thing about having sex with a dead person?......

Getting caught

What is one of the most responsible things a person can do during the pandemic?

masking for a friend

The only thing flat-earthers fear, is..

Sphere itself.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

First thing I do Monday mornings when I get to the office is switch the regular and decaf coffee.

Then I make myself a cup of tea and watch pandemonium ensue.

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Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

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What is the sweetest thing you can say to your wife after sex?

I am sorry i woke you up.

The best thing about quarantine is that it's brought my family closer.

Now we sit around the dinner table and say, "I already know what you've done today"

I wanted to kiss my wife, but with this whole Corona thing,

instead I just elbowed her in the face.

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Things I do to piss off my wife

Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”

During shelter in place, I realize that I miss people, place, and things.

So nouns. I essentially miss nouns.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

I wanted to do things differently today

so I'm sitting on the other end of the couch

The interesting thing about sheep puns

Is the SHEAR volume of them.

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

You get to laugh at all the reposts on this sub, every time.

Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is?

We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting!

Enjoy the little things. Stop and smell the roses.

If you can't smell them, you might want to get tested for COVID.

The brain is one of the complex things in the universe.

It’s no wonder why so many never learned to use it.

Donald trump may seem like a clown to you but you're forgetting one thing

that american society is a circus.

I'll never forget the last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket:

"Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

What do you call a thing with 3 arms, 2 legs, and 1 eye?

Ugly.

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Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right

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Ultimate frisbee guys only want one thing...

And it’s fucking disc chucking

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There are some things that come with a baby

An immature asshole is one of them

The only things flat earthers fear...

is sphere itself.

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I’ve become the very thing I sought to destroy.

A pussy.

What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?

Hey y'all, watch this!

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

What are the three hardest things for people to say?

I need help.

I am sorry.

Worchestire sauce

There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

What is the one thing Foo Fighters need when buying a home?

The best, the best, the best of views

What is one thing that the police and china have in common?

They both hide their body count

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The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walking down the street and an old white woman clutches her purse.

Bitch really thinks she stronger than me.

Two Karens are out having dinner

The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

Its asshole.

Credit to my dad many, many years ago.

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

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The worst thing about being a Japanese porn star

Is being born with pixelated genitals.

My girlfriend and I are trying new things out in the bedroom

Like her actually getting to sleep in the bed for once

What’s a pirate gamers favorite thing?

ArrRGB

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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I'm freaking pissed. Someone broke into my garage and the only thing they took was my limbo stick...

How low can you go?

I used to think cannibals must have gotten fed up eating the same thing over and over again

but then I realized they have all of the same options as we do, Mexican, Italian, Chinese..

My Friend: Find Happiness in small things.

Me: Sounds something your wife might say.

What is the worst thing to need as a scientist with a speech impediment?

a physicist's assistance

This quarantine thing is not working out.

My wife and I are becoming friends and I almost told her about my girlfriend.

What if this whole Global Warming thing doesn't happen?

Boy, will that be anticlimatic!

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