Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

You know the only good thing about quarantine?

I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

Ireland and iceland has one thing in common

They are both one sea away.

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Wife: Honey do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: I'll only answer if you promise you won't get mad at the next thing I say. Wife: Of course I won't, I love you. Husband:

I fucked your sister.

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why?

Because John was living under The Rock.

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, many things in my life changed.

Such as my address, name, phone number, etc.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

BROO, the most UNEXPECTED thing happened!

the spanish inquisition

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

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Tits and LEGO Sets have a thing in common

It's meant for the kid but the dad ends up having the most fun with it.

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

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What is the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you after you sleep with him?

I'm not Willy Nelson.

“Nice guys finish last” is a good thing.

Women hate it when the guy finishes first.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

My 3 favourite things:

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

From my 4 year old: "Dad, i just realized why these things are called nappies..."

" ...because its like a napkin for your pee, so its called na-pee!"

(proud dad moment)

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

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What's the best thing about having sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

Men only want one thing

From the Missing-the-point department:

Text from her: “Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!”

Text from him: “Wash it then?”

What’s the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere!

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

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What's the only thing separating the poor from literal shit?

The r

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half....

I just don't want 2 of you around.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you...

Like playing charades!

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

Average things

In which factory do they make average things?

In a satisfactory.

LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back.

She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now

One thing got a lot easier during this pandemic

ventriloquism.

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Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things.

Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense. I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"

Edna: "If you ask him nicely."

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

If you work really hard one day things are going to change

Youll finally be recognized for doing twice the work in half the time and now everyone has half the time to do twice the work

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

One thing that you shouldn't say to Marie Antoinette

You left my head hanging in shame

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

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What are some of the same things you can say while decorating a Christmas tree and while having sex?

"It's a shame we only do it only once a year!"

"It's so goddamn prickly."

"Put the balls on very carefully"

"Enough on this side, turn it around"

"Fake one just doesn't have the smell and feel right."

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.

Doctor: any other symptoms?

Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before

Doctor: French mustard?

Me: yes, why?

Doctor: It's dijon view

Two things that never get old:

1. Jokes about Anakin killing the younglings
2. The younglings

What’s the best thing about Oasis soup?

You get a roll with it.

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

Best thing about covid is I dont have to spend $200 on Valentine's day dinner this year.

Worst thing is the dead wife.

Did you know things are so bad that even Capt. Jack Sparrow has had trouble making ends meet?

He can barely afford to keep a skeleton crew.

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The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off

Now jerks on the other hand...

There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus

1. The density of the population
2. The density of the population

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What's the most important thing when masturbating?

The ears, to hear if someone's coming.



(a joke from one of my teachers)

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

What's Sub-Zero's favorite thing to order at a restaurant?

A combo

What's the best thing about a nudist wedding?

You can always tell who the best man is at a glance.

What is one thing that Egyptian kids do not realise?

That their Daddies will eventually become Mummies...

The first thing I will get if I win the $1B MegaMillions jackpot tonight

A heart attack.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

What's the hardest thing about being vegan?

Keeping it to yourself apparently.

There are some things you can’t say with a straight face.

...Like “I am having a stroke”

They say good things come to those who wait...

...apparently not to those restaurant employees during a pandemic lockdown

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

Lupin: "Harry, there are two things I need to talk to you about. The first thing is, I'm a werewolf. The second thing is..."

Harry: "Are you f\*\*king serious?"

Lupin: "How did you know?"

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Jamaican debaters only want one thing

and it's to fucking discuss tings.

What’s one thing that can solve both world hunger and overpopulation?

Cannibalism.

How does Thanos smell things?

Through Thanose.

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One of the most beautiful things in the world is a women's heart. It is fragile yet strong. Delicate yet resilient. It's a cradle of love, emotions and compassion. It like an ocean of secrets.

And of course its covered with boobs.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

There is only one thing I don’t like about Halloween

Which is

What was the last thing that went through Joseph Stalin’s mind before he died?

A blood clot

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

What's the last thing that goes through a bumblebee's mind as it hits the car windscreen at 60mph?

Its bum

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

I hate when people say Trump never does good things for America

He recently left office, which was the greatest thing for America.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

I’ll always remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

“Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

A girl asking a guy - who are you planning to satisfy with that little thing?

- Myself.

What’s the best thing about going to a veterinarian that doubles as a taxidermist?

Either way, you get your dog back

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

A second girlfriend

To see her reaction,he told her that he wants a second girlfriend,

In the first day he didn't see anything.

In the second day he didn't see anything.

In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.

What’s the worst thing about monoliths?

They’re constantly throwing shade.

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Boy this covid thing went really

Viral

Edit - I m just surprised no one posted this yet.

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

Why did Steve Jobs stop saying "One more thing..."?

He switched to tumor things.

My drunken creation: Hey Luigi, what is that guy eating over there? Looks like a large aquatic mammal that controls the chronological progression of all things

'Oh.. he's-a havin-a whale of-a time'

I know men over mansplain things some times...

But why do women keep ovaryacting to it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

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