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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

What's the only thing that isn't made in china ?

Opinions

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.

It’s a dart board on a ceiling.

My dad said -459.67 Fahrenheit is the coldest things can get

I just said "0K, Boomer"

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

When I get a new job the first thing I do is hide

Because good employees are hard to find.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

There are 3 things I love:

Eating my family and not using commas

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

What’s the hottest thing about trans girls?

You know they’re all squirters

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

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What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

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The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.

As long as you are the one with the vagina.

The thing about the seven dwarves is...

The thing about the seven dwarves is...



six out of seven of them are not happy.

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Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary islands? Same thing with the Virgin Islands

No canaries there either.

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” bassicly mean the same thing

Unless your at a funeral

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My favorite thing to do after sex is cuddle with my wife

I always leave money on the dresser and make sure to rush home to her after I’m finished

Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

My four favorite things..

..are chicken pot pie and not using commas.

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

The only things not Made in China today are...

Assembled in China

The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

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Fastest thing on Earth

4 guys are talking about what the fastest thing is. 1st guy says it’s a thought. 2nd guy says it’s the blink of an eye. 3rd guy says it’s electricity. 4th guy says it’s diarrhea, the other guys say, diarrhea? What are you talking about?
4th guy says, the other day before I could think, blink or t...

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

What’s the worst thing to read in braille?

Danger, don’t touch

The great thing about sarcasm is

Everyone always gets it.

What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

I found out I have a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

There are 3 things I can never remember

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

What is the worst thing you can say to a cross-eyed person?

You have one week to live.

What's the one thing worse than necrophilia?

Letting a dead body go to waste.

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

I paid a woman to do the things my wife won't do anyone...

Thank you Swift Cleaning Service, my apartment is super clean now!

What's the first thing a monster eats after he has had his teeth checked?

The dentist.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

What is a ghosts favourite thing to throw?

A boo-merang

My ex-girlfriend got a parakeet, and that damn thing never shut up...

but the bird was cool.

The three hardest things to say in life are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

“So you want me to stay then? I replied.

I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.

I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

What's the best thing about picking up homeless people??

You can drop them off anywhere.

There are two things that never get old

Dark humour, and unvaccinated children.

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If there is one thing that democrats and republicans can agree on during this impeachment hearing...

...it's that "quid pro quo" is really fucking fun to say!

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What's the last thing to go through a bug's head when it hits your windshield?

Its ass.

A fortune-teller who hasn't seen her friend, who's also a fortune-teller, in a long time decided to call her to check up on things

"Hi! You're doing good, how about me?"

What's the one good thing about being a depressed procrastinator?

You'll always put off killing yourself.

It's a good thing X marks the spot

People would have trouble finding the G spot

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I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

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What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

What gun doesn't kill things?

A Vegun

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FATHER FLY: 2 things you need to know...

BABY FLY: OK?

FATHER FLY: We live for 24 hours.

BABY FLY: Oh...

FATHER FLY: and you eat shit your entire life.

BABY FLY: Do you think maybe if we didn’t eat shit we could live longer?... Dad? Dad wake up!

I'm terrible at smelling things

I meant spelling, sorry

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree wasn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me today

But it’s definitely up there

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

The thing I hate most about being Bipolar?

It’s awesome!

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

What’s the best thing about having vegetables for dinner?

They can only eat as much as you allow them to.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "just checking my balance."

What are three things that don’t hang themselves?

Picture frames, drywall & Jeffery Epstien.

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

They say good and bad things come in threes.

That's odd.

What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

.. The wheelchair.

Why is incest a bad thing?

Haven't we all been inside our mothers?

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The worst thing about being a doctor is confronting a patient about the lack of fibre in their diet.

That shit’s hard.

The only thing

Flat earthers have to fear

Is sphere itself

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Me and my wife have only two things in common

We're both fucking men

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Things I will never do if we date:

- give you up
- let you down
- run around and desert you
- give you an orgasm
- make you cry
- say goodbye
- tell a lie and hurt you

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

What do you call it when the last thing protecting the hero is a barrier out of wood?

A defence

What is the last thing Dodi Fayed said to his best friend Andrew Wainrib?

Want to go out with me and Di tonight?

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I can move things with my mind

I just typed that out.

What’s the only thing worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

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What's the best thing about kicking the shit out of an orphan kid?

They cannot tell their parents



Very sorry about saying this

People often ask me what the most important thing in a relationship is

I always answer trust, after all if you don’t trust your girlfriend how do you know she isn’t going to tell your wife?

What thing, beginning with "R" am I terrible at?

Spelling.

What word begins with "M", ends in "arriage" and it's a man favorite thing?

Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

One thing that annoys me is that I tend to repeat myself

I just keep saying things I’ve already said.

My wife suggested that we spice things up a bit by playing Doctors and Nurses,

so I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours.

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Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Ever...

What was the stomach's favorite thing to read?

Reader's digest

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

Whats the one thing all zombies want?

Piece of mind

You know what's the one thing I can't stand.

So is having to re-read a sentence because you read it in the wrong tone.

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

I remember the last thing my brother said before he kicked that bucket.

He said I'm gonna kick this bucket.

A teacher asked what the most flammable thing is

A Jewish kid said oh me me me while raising his hand

The teacher said good what else

There's two things I don't like about Harvey Dent

His face

There are three things holding me back in life:

1. Extreme ADHD that makes it impossible to finish a task.

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

Found a sweet little thing walking the streets last night so I offered her a ride home, got her some dinner and got laid for my effort.

Still not sure whose dog this is though...

If there’s one thing I absolutely can’t stand

it’s a unicycle

Things a pilot can't say in a job interview

I'm down to earth

What's the best thing about twenty one year olds?

They're young enough that at least one of them won't have heard this joke!

Kids do say the Darnest Things.

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is take...

It's good that Fallout 76 is introducing more and more things to get less players.

Fallout is meant to have a post-apocalyptic setting so having less people around makes you feel like you're playing it for real.

What's the fastest thing in the world

I'm not sure. I couldn't see it.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

They say, if you give 100% in everything you do, good things happen.

I wonder if this still hold true when donating blood.

What do you call a dog that popularizes things?

A trend setter

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What's the heaviest thing in nature?

Shit, even an elephant can't hold it.

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