A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,

so I can watch it with my family.

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

Things a pilot can't say in a job interview

I'm down to earth

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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One thing porn has taught me

When a woman unzips your pants she will always be pleasantly surprised to find a penis

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, ...

... and a Sharpie to change the things I can.

The worse thing during prostate exam is when you get an erection... And they realize...

"Hang on, you are not a real doctor!"

Being on reddit for 3 years has taught me one thing

Im gonna get ol'

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"

"Well, you see this shiny rock right here? If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."

"Holy hell, are you serious? Let me try!"

"Oh no I wouldn't. It can be finicky, it...

What’s the first thing you feel when you shoot a civilian?

The recoil of your rifle

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The thing about Masturbation Contests is

If you want to come first, you have to cum last

Socialism is good for only one thing.

Weight loss.

What do you call that thing you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer.

My 3 favourite things

I have 3 favourite things in the world. Eating my family and not using commas :D

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits a windshield?

It’s ass

The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.

Is sphere itself.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

What's the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

My friends all have one thing in common.

They're not real.

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

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It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

Three of the hardest things to say...

1. I was wrong.

2. I love you.

3. Worcestershire Sauce

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

My wife said she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom

You should’ve seen the look on her face when I started rubbing in the ground chili peppers!

What's one thing you need to watch out for during a Jewish hurricane?

The flying de-bris

I found out that I have a fetish for discovering things

I just came to the realization

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough

The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

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The best thing about sex as a schizophrenic?

It's always an orgy.

Lot of good things about having a mum who's a hairdresser. Getting my hair dyed at home, for example.

That's a personal highlight.

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence,

because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I'll be able to fuck her.

What’s the worst thing to lose?

A spider

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

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[NSFW] What's the best thing about 90s women?

No Penis

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Masturbating too much leads to two things

Loss of memory and something else…

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

My friends say that I take things too literally

but I didnt take anything from them

One thing I do to get attention

Wear my Michael Vick jersey to the dog park

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What do you call a guy who forgets things easily?

Oh fuck... how does the rest of this joke go?

What does a snail wear when they need to carry a lot of things?

Escargot Pants

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

what's the best thing about forums?

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Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant

Their legs

Russian Joke - what is the fastest thing you know

Teacher asks students what is the fastest thing they know.

Olya says: "Light is the fastest, you flip a switch, and there it is, very fast"

Teacher: "Good job, anyone else?"

Petya says: "Words are fast. You speak it, and people hear you in an instant"

Teacher: "Anyone el...

I like to help people find things...

by pointing out that it’s got to be around here somewhere.

a: there's only one thing I don't like about halloween.

b: which is?

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

How does a computer learn things?

Bit by bit

(Apologies for dad-ness and possible repost)

I remember the last thing my Granddad said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, " Watch me kick this bucket"

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One thing you can say for rapists

they really have that ‘can do’ attitude.

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There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing.

He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

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The best thing about being on a diet...

...is the cheat night where you can fuck your girlfriends best friend

You know what’s the one good thing about having a two headed baby

More food

What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?

A miscarriage
That Joke never gets old just like the baby

What is the worst thing about having acne?

Blind people will try reading your face

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My mum keeps saying I’m always loosing my things

She was wrong I’ll never lose my virginity!

What’s a criminal rappers least favorite, and favorite thing?

Bars

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," rep...

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I was kissing this girl and things were getting super sexy.

I said, "I forgot to buy condoms earlier. Fuck!"

She said, "Well, I haven't got one on me."

I said, "That's because you don't have a penis."

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

Greatest thing about dating a homeless woman.

When the dates over you can drop her off anywhere.

I took a leak next to a psychologist and I didn't hear a thing.

His P was silent.

What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

I think we should only kill things if we are going to eat them

which makes my stance on abortion not kosher at all

What is a common thing between Alexander the Great and Kermit the frog?

Their middle name

Good things come to those who wait.

As long as you’re not waiting for the bus.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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Everybody is talking about how bad white people are now, but I think they should be praised for a super important thing.

A white man killed Hitler.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

What's the best thing about elevators ?

They work on so many levels.

Baby boomers are always talking about the things they miss that millenials are taking away from them.

You know what we'll miss when we're old? Trees.

Will glass coffins become a thing?

Remains to be seen...

One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock.

That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.

How does the Pope buy things online?

Papal

If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

Hey,what's a race thing and starts with n and ends in r

Nascar

If you have to clarify what something is in another sentence, it's probably not a good thing.

and that's a fact

What was the last thing the drummer said to the band?

Listen to this guys I wrote us a song.


-curtesy of Dave Grohl

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

They say good things come in 3s

Yet my girlfriend doesn't understand why I'm so confident that I'm a good person.

There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes.

1. Know how to count

*Edit* 2. Proof read

"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing...

Except at a funeral.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians

And something completely different to Gaston

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

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Son, now that you've moved out you're going to need to get a couple things.

You're going to need a dishwasher to clean the dishes. A washing machine to clean your clothes. And a girlfriend so you have good sex. But for God's sake never let the three women meet.

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There are five things you should know when looking for in a woman:

You want a woman that will cook the best food you've ever had

You want a woman who will surprise you every day

You want a woman who will please you sexually

You want a woman who brings you happiness

And most importantly, make sure these four woman never meet.

I started dating a homeless girl a few weeks ago and I think things are getting serious.

She’s asked me to move out with her.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

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They say that bed is meant for just two things, sleep and sex.

Well I've been awake in bed for four hours, when does the sex happen?

A cat goes to the opthalmologist because he's having trouble seeing things.

The doctor checks his eyes.
Cat - "What is it doctor?"
Doctor - "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Cat-aracts"

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

The three things I hate the most in this world...

...are racists, Chinese people, and contradictions.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

I wish my dad had shared more things with me,

but he never had good internet.

What's the worst thing to say before a driving exam?

"This thing does have airbags, right?"

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

Two things that never get old.

Dark humor and unvaccinated children.

What's the good thing about FaceApp?

Kids with cancer can see themselves older.

After our first date, this girl told me things wouldn't work out because I was "too Canadian"...

I told her I'm sorry and offered her our homemade maple syrup and pancakes, and two tickets to tomorrow night's hockey game for wasting her time. I'm still not sure what she meant by "too Canadian" though.

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What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

It’s butt.

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

My dad said he only wants one thing straight..

Me

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

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