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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

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Things I do to piss off my wife

Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”

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Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

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I'm freaking pissed. Someone broke into my garage and the only thing they took was my limbo stick...

How low can you go?

There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….

I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you're in prison.

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

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My girlfriend promised me we would have anal sex if we got married. We got married, and I have learned 3 things...

1. Listen more carefully
2. The meaning of the word 'annual'
3. Don't get married

The only thing Flat Earthers fear

is sphere itself.

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What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?

\-So you know those signs that say "No Trespassing"?

\-Yeah

\-Well, I fucked the dead dear behind it

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

I dare you to name one thing that has done more for the environment than Greta Thunberg!

The Coronavirus

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What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your dad you're gay

My wife will complain about things until the cows come home.

At the moment she is complaining about how I lost all our cows.

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What thing starts with F and ends in UCK?

Firetruck.
Kid's thought this was fucking hilarious.

The only thing i dont joke about is molestation

It's a touchy subject

The great thing about leap year jokes on /r/jokes...

...is that you only hear them repeated every 4 years.

What’s the last thing you want to hear during a prostate exam?

“Pull my finger”

What’s the only thing worse than a divorce?

A stock market crash. You lose half your money but your wife is still there.

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What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentines Day is Sex...

... And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, called alhzimers, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me.

My wife says she hates two things about me.

I don't listen.
Something else.

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My son asked me if a dick and balls were the same thing.

I had to explain that there was a vas deferens between the two.

My 3 favourite things

I like eating my family and not using commas.

If pirates we still a thing they would love reddit.

They could exchange stolen content for gold.

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

My parents told me to like manlier things more since I’m a guy.

So I did.

And that, kids, is how I fell in love with your father.

As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife.

I was speaking highly of her.

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

Edit: Another*

I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is...

Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

There is only one thing i dont like about halloween

Which is...

Chemistry class has only taught me one thing...

Alcohol is always a solution.

The fact that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing is concerning...

And disconcerning.

The worst thing about the Corona Virus:

I have to start washing my hands again.

If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus.

But that's just my two scents.

Three interesting things happened today ...

First, this guy tells me he's going to vote for Donald Trump in 2020.

Next, two minutes later, he gets hit by a bus.

Then, Trailways fired me.

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Some people think the scrotum and the prostate are the same thing.

But there's a vas deferens between the two.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

As a parent, the worst thing about losing a child is...

having them find their way back home.

Three men were asked what the fastest thing in the universe was

The first man said light, the second man said thought
And the third man said diarrhoea, when asked why he thought that, he replied, when you have diarrhoea you don’t have time to turn on the light or even think

What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison."

Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

I really think reddit was onto the sinister powers that run the world with the whole Epstein thing

I mean, they burned down half of Australia, almost started a world war, invented a new virus... just to distract us

[edit] : of course this post will be buried. And we know who did that. No way it will be because my jokes are lame.

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

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"I've come to appreciate the little things in life"

- My wife, talking about my penis

A wife says to her husband..."I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear"

To which the husband replies:

"kitchen, bathroom, livingroom".

I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.”

I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

Stand back I don't know how long this thing gets.

The first thing I do when I get to work is hide...

A good worker is always hard to find!

I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country

He wrote back "I can't complain"

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

Hardest thing in the world is to lose your wife of twenty years.

God knows, I've tried.

I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

What is the best thing to put in a pizza?

Teeth.

It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac, because they always take things

literally

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

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What's the best thing about a blow job?

Ten minutes peace and quiet.

The best thing about opening presents signed by "mom and dad"

Is the fact that my dad is just as surprised about what's in there as I am

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

3 things parents don't want their daughter to say...

I am pregnant.

I am doing drugs.

Bing is a reliable searching platform.

The thing about captain Kirk's women's underwear not being a great sales gimmick.

Shatner panties didn't catch on

I recently had a problem getting things off my chest

Now I just use lighter weights at the bench press.

There first 3 things I learned when I went to school.

1. I'm stupid

2. I suck at maths.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

What do you call a deep fissure that says one thing but means the opposite?

A sarchasm

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

There are two things that will never get old...

Dark humour and unvaccinated children.

“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

As contribution to this “renaming reddit components” thing, here’s one: Create a community” option should be labeled...

Spearheddit. Leddit be known.

What was Stevie Wonder and Emperor Palpatine's favorite thing about dreaming.

Visions of the dark side

It's a good thing Voldemort didn't attack America first

American muggles would be no-maj for him.

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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"What is the fastest thing you know?"

"What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.

Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interv...

Do you know what the most annoying thing on the internet is?

Clickbait

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do...

There are two things in life you’re never completely prepared for

Twins

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

What’s the most insulting thing you can say to a commedian?

Ok Schumer

What's the hardest thing about running 5k a day?

Keeping it to yourself.

The very last thing my dad said to me before he died was 'You need one of those things that you can shred cheese with'...

That was some grate advice.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

The things that come to those who wait are...

...the things left by those who got there first.

My boss told me off today because I’m always turning things into a joke.

“So have I made myself clear?” He said.

“No I can still see you.” I replied.

Whats the weird fleshy thing between a sharks teeth called?

A surfer

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

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[NSFW] If a lion could talk, what would be the first thing it would say?

"Get off my fucking land!!"

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

What's the only thing that isn't made in china ?

Opinions

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A man walks into a zoo and the only thing there is a dog...

It’s a shitzu

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