UPJOKE
matteraffairanythingwhateverythingstuffnothingobjectattributephysical entityentityobjectivesubjectsomethingfeeling

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

I asked 7 CEOs “what’s the secret to your success?”, and they all said the same thing:

“How did you get in my house?”

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

What's the best thing about sleeping with a geologist?

The ore-gasms.

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

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A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

I guess things really are upside-down in Australia

A conservative lost an election and actually conceded.

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

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If there’s one thing I love in this world, its fucking Whoppers from Burger King,

And eating them too.

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The good thing about the Middle Ages was that you could pee and poop anywhere.

The bad thing about the Middle Ages was that everyone could pee and poop anywhere.

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

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I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

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The first time my girlfriend saw my penis she chuckled and said, who do you think you're going to satisfy with that thing?

"Me."

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is >!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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Girls literally only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

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What do you call that little thing that’s between an old woman’s breasts.

The belly button

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My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

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If I become Pope, the first thing I will do is

shit in the woods

What is the worst thing a woman can say to a man in just three two-letter words?

Is it in?

I'm having memory problems, I can only remember things from about two years ago.

Hindsight is 2020.

A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind.

His guts

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

And the Oscar Award for best special effects (Which is related to stuff that simulates things that are fictional/do not exist) goes to...

An honest politician.

There is one thing I hate about Halloween,

wich is...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

Top 5 things I'm bad at.

1. Finishing what I've started.

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

One positive thing about voyeurs:

They tend to be real peephole pleasers

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

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I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Co-workers.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

I stay at a lot of different vacation rentals and never have a problem remembering where things are in their kitchens

It’s a mental dish order

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

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Whats the one thing Amber Heard and her lawyer have in common?

They both shit the bed.

A genie tells a man he gets four things, but his wife gets double it.

The first thing he wants is a million-dollar life insurance policy.

The genie says ok, but your wife gets a two-million-dollar policy.

Then, he asks for a new car.

Ok, but your wife gets two.

Then, he asks for an 8 bedroom house.

Finally, he asks to be beaten hal...

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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Phone calls and blowjobs are the same thing for me.

Im never on the receiving end

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

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A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....

"Uranus is not in the right position".

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

What is the best thing about taking a homeless person on a date?

you can drop them off anywhere.

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

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The 5 things a man should consider for a happy life

The 5 things a man should consider for a happy life:

Find a woman who likes to laugh
Find a woman you can talk to
Find a woman who is good in bed
Find a woman who is good at cooking
And the most important:
Make sure they never meet

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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What’s the lightest thing in the world?

A penis, because even a thought can lift it.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

What is the thing that a person with a PhD in philosophy would most likely ask you?

"Do you want fries with that?"

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

How much does a roof cost.

Nothing. It’s on the house.

If it's one thing you don't have to worry about keeping out of your mouth...

it's Jada Pinkett Smith's hair.

I’m sorry and I apologize mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

I realize now that figuring things out turns me on

I just came to this conclusion

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

Why do nuns wear the same thing every day?

No reason, it’s just their habit.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

What's Vladimir Putin's least favourite thing to eat?

Pea stalks

My three favourite things are.....

eating my grandma and not using punctuation

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever heard a pathologist say?

I’ve lost a patient.

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What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

I went to a new doctor and the first thing she said to me was...

"Do you drink, smoke, do any illegal drugs?"

I said "I'm down for whatever, we should hang sometime."

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

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Things I learned today!

1) My penis is larger than the pens you get in the bank.
2) I’m not welcome in the bank anymore.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to

Unless you're in prison

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

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