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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

What's the only thing that isn't made in china ?

Opinions

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

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What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

My dad said -459.67 Fahrenheit is the coldest things can get

I just said "0K, Boomer"

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the
flag is a big plus.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

There are only 3 things I hate:

1. Irony
2. Unfinished lists
3.

When I get a new job the first thing I do is hide

Because good employees are hard to find.

What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer?

A shhhhh-kabob

There are 3 things I love:

Eating my family and not using commas

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

What’s the hottest thing about trans girls?

You know they’re all squirters

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

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Fastest thing on Earth

4 guys are talking about what the fastest thing is. 1st guy says it’s a thought. 2nd guy says it’s the blink of an eye. 3rd guy says it’s electricity. 4th guy says it’s diarrhea, the other guys say, diarrhea? What are you talking about?
4th guy says, the other day before I could think, blink or t...

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

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As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

What’s the best thing about being involved in human trafficking?

It can really take you places.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” bassicly mean the same thing

Unless your at a funeral

The thing about cocaine is...

When you boil it down, it's not all its cracked up to be

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

The thing about the seven dwarves is...

The thing about the seven dwarves is...



six out of seven of them are not happy.

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Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary islands? Same thing with the Virgin Islands

No canaries there either.

What's the best thing about prison libraries?

Everything is always in context.

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My favorite thing to do after sex is cuddle with my wife

I always leave money on the dresser and make sure to rush home to her after I’m finished

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

My four favorite things..

..are chicken pot pie and not using commas.

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant...

Their legs.

The only things not Made in China today are...

Assembled in China

The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

The worst thing about autocorrect

It always makes me put words I didn't Nintendo

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

The first thing I’m gonna say on January 1, 2021 is...

Hindsight is 2020.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

Smile... things could be worse.

So I smiled and sure enough, things got worse.

What do you call someone who postpones doing things for a little bit but then does them anyway?

An amateurcrastinator.

What’s the worst thing to read in braille?

Danger, don’t touch

What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

The great thing about sarcasm is

Everyone always gets it.

What's the good thing with jokes about the brexit?

They will be still relevant in a decade

Toxic masculinity is not a problem or even a thing

and im ready to fight anyone who disagrees with me.

What is the worst thing you can say to a cross-eyed person?

You have one week to live.

What's the one thing worse than necrophilia?

Letting a dead body go to waste.

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

Two things that never get old...

Dark humor and unvaccinated children.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

A rich guy is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through his head?

The helicopter blade

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.

"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.

"Saree", said the other guest.

What is a ghosts favourite thing to throw?

A boo-merang

I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.

I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

The three hardest things to say in life are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce

I paid a woman to do the things my wife won't do anyone...

Thank you Swift Cleaning Service, my apartment is super clean now!

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common

Neither actually happen

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

What's the first thing a monster eats after he has had his teeth checked?

The dentist.

He learned two things that day

A teenage boy was walking down the street and saw a new place opened up in town and there was a sign out front that just said “ORGY”. He was curious and definitely excited, so he walked in asked the first person he found about the orgy. The woman was taken aback at first, then became very upset an...

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

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I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.

My ex-girlfriend got a parakeet, and that damn thing never shut up...

but the bird was cool.

My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

“So you want me to stay then? I replied.

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Me and my wife have one thing in common

Neither of us likes cock

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

What's the one good thing about being a depressed procrastinator?

You'll always put off killing yourself.

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What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick

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If there is one thing that democrats and republicans can agree on during this impeachment hearing...

...it's that "quid pro quo" is really fucking fun to say!

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What's the last thing to go through a bug's head when it hits your windshield?

Its ass.

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

It's a good thing X marks the spot

People would have trouble finding the G spot

What gun doesn't kill things?

A Vegun

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree wasn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me today

But it’s definitely up there

I'm terrible at smelling things

I meant spelling, sorry

The thing I hate most about being Bipolar?

It’s awesome!

What’s the best thing about having vegetables for dinner?

They can only eat as much as you allow them to.

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FATHER FLY: 2 things you need to know...

BABY FLY: OK?

FATHER FLY: We live for 24 hours.

BABY FLY: Oh...

FATHER FLY: and you eat shit your entire life.

BABY FLY: Do you think maybe if we didn’t eat shit we could live longer?... Dad? Dad wake up!

Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "just checking my balance."

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

What’s the only thing worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

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Things I will never do if we date:

- give you up
- let you down
- run around and desert you
- give you an orgasm
- make you cry
- say goodbye
- tell a lie and hurt you

What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

.. The wheelchair.

What are three things that don’t hang themselves?

Picture frames, drywall & Jeffery Epstien.

Why is incest a bad thing?

Haven't we all been inside our mothers?

They say good and bad things come in threes.

That's odd.

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The worst thing about being a doctor is confronting a patient about the lack of fibre in their diet.

That shit’s hard.

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Me and my wife have only two things in common

We're both fucking men

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

What thing, beginning with "R" am I terrible at?

Spelling.

What do you call it when the last thing protecting the hero is a barrier out of wood?

A defence

Did you know one of the biggest technology companies manufacturing things like bladeless fans, hand dryers, vacuums and more was started by an anti-vaxxer?

Dyson

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

Are lawyers ever going to do the real thing?

Or are they happy to just "practice" law?

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What's the best thing about kicking the shit out of an orphan kid?

They cannot tell their parents



Very sorry about saying this

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