Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

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What's the most important thing when masturbating?

The ears, to hear if someone's coming.



(a joke from one of my teachers)

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willy Nelson a blowjob? (NSFW)

"I'm not Willy Nelson"

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

What’s the worst thing your girlfriend can turn into?

Your stepmom

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

Why NFSW tag still a thing??

Like any of us still have a job.

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

What’s the least British thing in a British Museum?

The Exhibits

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Woody and Jessy were doing intimate things

Woody stops and asks, “Does this mean we are a thing?”. Jessie doesn’t answer and starts whispering “*I got a friend in me..*”

A man buys a parrot but the only thing it does is insult the man...

After spending hours trying every possible solution to get it to shut up the man decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes pass and the parrot falls silent. Thinking he might of killed it the man opens the freezer and finds the parrot shivering but alive. “S-s-sorry for i-i-i-insulting...

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The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off.

Now jerks on the other hand...

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

Don't sweat the petty things.

Also: don't pet the sweaty things

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

What is the one thing common between my girlfriend and my favorite book?

Both are works of fiction.

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

What are the most pointless things in the world?

Spheres

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

New to this whole cancer thing,

Just beat stage 1 in now to stage 2!

My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

There are some things you just can’t explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was si...

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back. I don't know how big it's going to get!"

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Say what you will about men in porn, but you can't deny one thing

They work hard.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

A person who is pro-abortion and anti-guns in schools can agree on one thing with a person that is anti-abortion and pro-guns in schools

And that is we need to get rid of some of these kids

The only thing I take seriously.

Is comedy.

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What is that one thing that 2 people take from each other and none of them has it in the end?

Virginity.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

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A man was walkin along a path and spots a thing on the ground

He leans down and says,
"Hmm... It looks like poop".

He then feels it and says,
"it sure feels like poop"

He then smells it and says,
"fuck that shit smells like poop"

He then tastes it and says,
"I'll be dammed that thing is poop, thank god I didn't step in it"
<...

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What’s the only thing worst than constant advertisements?

You’ll find out right after these messages..

My mother does unspeakable things at the beach.

She sells sea-shells on the seashore.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I only know two things about dogs

The first is that they don't live for a very long time, so you every second with them should be cherished.

The second is that they absolutely love chocolate.

A wise old man said to me once, "The things you fear are the things you will one day encounter in life."

Never have I been so afraid of a million dollars.

These days I've been checking the news first thing in the morning.

Lately, it's been my mourning routine.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

Honey I missed you this morning.

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My wife will moan about things until the cows come home!

At the moment she's going on about "well, where *are* all the fucking cows, anyway?"

There are two things I hate.

Dyslexic people and inory.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

I bet my friend my ex still has a thing for me, now he owes me 100 bucks

hey a restraining order is a thing

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



I bet the first thing you learn as a radio salesman is

stereotypes.

Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

I really have a thing for Mandalorians

I guess it's my boba fettish

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, '...

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

A weird, infuriating thing that happened to a friend of mine.

So a friend of mine was on the downtown bus the other day and, nice guy that he is, he gave up his seat for an elderly woman that got on after him. I guess she was really old too. She had a cane and everything. But then suddenly everybody else on the bus got mad at him for it. They started yelling a...

The best thing about quitting coffee for good...

...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says “The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head”

The second man says “The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly”

The third man thinks for a second and says “you are b...

What’s the hardest thing about being a vegan that CrossFits?

Trying to decide which one to tell people about first.

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

Amongst the dumbest things I've ever purchased...

was a 2020 year planner.

Aethiests and Christian people will see different things

Godisnowhere

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"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s when kids feel entitled to something like...

“I want an ice cream!”

“I want a soda!”

And now he wants four more years, jeez where’s the limit.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

When she broke up with me, my ex told me there was only three things wrong with me:

"The way you look, the way you act, and the way you are."

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

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[NSFW] My girlfriend asked me what the hardest thing I had to deal with growing was....

My dad's cock.

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

What's the worst thing about being an egg?

You only get laid once...

The only thing I can take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips...

... and even that I take with a pinch of salt.

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

These two drunks are arguing if the thing in the sky is the sun or the moon.

They can’t figure it out so they ask a passerby.

“Hey man we’re having an argument. Is the thing in the sky the sun or the moon?”

“I dunno man I ain’t from this neighborhood.”

You are driving down a long, lonely, dark, straight stretch of road at night. What is the one thing you can do that will cause a car, bus or truck to immediately appear in the distance, heading towards you ?

Turn on your high-beam headlights. Works every time.

Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

I hope the others don’t come back to the office too soon!

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

I want my girl to know how to do 70 things

Cooking and 69

What did the American say to the German who was talking about how he didn't like the way things were done by Americans?

Well, that's just Europenean



*no offense to the US, Germany or Europe.

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Wife is in ICU, things aren’t looking good.

During night shift, they are giving her nightly bed bath. As they are washing her lady parts, the nurses notice that her heart rate increases, breathing is getting deeper, blood pressure is holding steady.

So they come get me and tell me what happened. They say they have a crazy idea and thi...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout ...

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

What’s a librarians favorite thing to bring to a BBQ?

A shush kebab

I think I have a fetish for figuring things out...

I just came to that realization...

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