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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

One thing my dad told me, "Son never explain yourself to anyone."

He never did tell me why.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

What’s the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

Do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

I don't know, but do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

I asked an 747 pilot how often those things crash...

I once asked the pilot of a 747 as I was getting on, how often those things crash, he casually replied:

"Usaly just once"

Thing about corny jokes...

Some can be a real EAR full, but a few of them really POP

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I asked my girlfriend what the most NSFW thing she could think of is.

She thought for a while before replying, "Probably standing on a swivel chair to change a light bulb that hasn't been turned off."

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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Things you can burn for stress relief

Sage

Lavender

Racists

Marijuana

Paedophiles

Frankincense

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing...

I can’t believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.

The worst thing about censorship is...

[REDACTED]

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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Before you know your future partner and after you marry them is like the same thing

There’s no sex

Wanna know the best thing about a covid joke?

Everybody gets it.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

Scientists recently discovered that there is no such thing as gravity

The Earth just sucks

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween. Which is?

Exactly.

One thing I have noticed over the last few months is that I’m sick only on weekdays.

It must be my weekend immune system.

What is the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-one year olds?

You get to hangout with Prince Andrew!

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There are two things that'll pissoff women, 1. If you stare at them,

2. If you stop staring at them

My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

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My girlfriend always says the same thing to me after sex..

Hello, come pick me up.

My girlfriend told me she enjoys the little things in life

That’s a relief

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

The three hardest things to say to someone

1- I was wrong

2- I don't know

3- Worcestershire Sauce

My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home

So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.

The only thing Trump has bankrupted more than his businesses is

Half the the country's morals.

My three favorite things are...

Eating my family and not using commas.

Hearing that Jesus loves you is a very comforting thing

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”

\- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and ag...

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

One of the last things Jeffrey Epstein said to the guards was - "high five!"

But they just left him hanging

What do you call an Italian who has a thing for feet?

A fetishini

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

The one thing quarantine has taught me

is you don’t need fun to have alcohol.

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

What’s the most forgettable thing in the world?

I don’t remember.

If there's one thing I can't stand

it's a two-legged stool.

The best thing about being a test tube baby...

You get a womb with a view.

I suppose the one good thing about having Alzheimer's..

..is I get to laugh at all these great, original, witty Jokes on here...every day !!

A teacher asks her students about the thing they fear the most

One girl said spiders
Another student said heights
And then a boy said "Evil A-men"

The teacher confused asks who are they and the student said "I dunno but when I finish praying I ask god to "deliver us from Evil A-men"

How does a computer learn new things?

Bit by bit.

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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

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When I was a little kid, my parents filled my head with endless bullshit -- things like ...

... you know, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. But I don't believe that nonsense any longer, thank God!

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

Where are mediocre things manufactured?

The satisfactory!

What’s the most important thing to check before rollerblading naked?

Your helmet is in good condition.

What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally?

"He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs..."

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

What’s the only thing better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

COVID-19 deaths have proven one thing

Americans strive to be number one in everything!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

It's the little things that count

It's true, I have a friend who is 3 feet tall and he's a really good mathemetician.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

What would you call a Doofenshmirtz invention that makes people want to do things later?

The Procrastinator!

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Girlfriend: Guys only want one thing and it's fucking disgusting

Me: Why would you call yourself that?

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Most people think that the testicles and the seminal vesicle are the same thing...

...but there is a vas deferens between them.

I think I have a fetish for figuring things out...

“What makes you think that?”

I just came to that realization.

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It’s national sex day, and the only thing I’m Fucking

Is sad

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What's one thing both a pet store employee and a doctor can say to a normal person?

I've seen more pussy than you ever will

Things that hit different when drunk

My dad

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

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Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

What’s the last thing...

that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windscreen?


It’s ass

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You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.

Not even my virginity.

Good things come in small packages

Or is it the other way around?

The first thing that I am going to do when I go back to work, is Hide.

Because a good worker is hard to find.

Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...

Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

Even if things settle down by the end of the year we’ll still only have peace for 1 more year.

Because 2022 is 2020 too.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

What's the bad thing about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

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Did you know there are no Canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands.

There are no Canaries there either

I've been forgetting things

for as long as I can remember.

What is the one thing Norway have better than Denmark?

Better neighbors!!

*(Norwegians and Danish have a long running friendly rivalry, one of my Danish friends told me this joke today)*

I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go.

I can't put it down.

I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...

He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."



An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Cong...

Who collects the souls of people who die while fixing things?

The Grim Repair.

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I just can't stop anticipating things in my mind and I don't know what to do about it

Hey! Thanks for all the support, guys!! Those are really helpful tips.

Name 3 things that don't hang themselves

Pictures, Drywall and Jeffrey Epstein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

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The only thing larger than my penis is...

.....my willingness to lie about its size.

Underwear isn't the greatest thing in the world

It is really close to it though.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

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Whats that thing that's common between stock trading and sex?

You should pull out your assets at the right moment

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

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