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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

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Everybody is talking about how bad white people are now, but I think they should be praised for a super important thing.

A white man killed Hitler.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?

A miscarriage
That Joke never gets old just like the baby

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

Hey,what's a race thing and starts with n and ends in r

Nascar

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians

And something completely different to Gaston

"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing...

Except at a funeral.

What's the good thing about FaceApp?

Kids with cancer can see themselves older.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

What’s the first thing Micheal Jackson does when playing Minecraft?

He changes his skin.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

What's the worst thing to say before a driving exam?

"This thing does have airbags, right?"

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

What's a child molester's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free Delivery!

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

People always say "go big or go home" as if going home is a bad thing.

 

 



Like hell yeah I'll go home... I can nap when i get there.

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop them off anywhere.

There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

What is the most frustrating thing for a person to be?

A mute vegan.

The three things I hate the most in this world...

...are racists, Chinese people, and contradictions.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Is it me or this FaceApp thing ...

got old real quick?

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

Did you hear that being on a mountaintop is the best thing you can ever do?

Really, its all just downhill from there.

As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

What's the weirdest thing a woman can turn into?

A fish.

(Courtesy of my 15 year old autistic brother)

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way"

3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

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You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex...

It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun

Two things that don’t get old

1) dark humour


2) unvaccinated children

There's one thing you should know about living with erectile dysfunction

It's just not as hard as it used to be

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

Idk, but the flags a big plus!

How do redheads approach things?

Gingerly.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

What’s the most dangerous thing you can be asked in Los Angeles, Liverpool, and Manchster?

Are you a blue or a red?

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once. Things weren't going well.

I had to break it off.

What's the only thing worse than having lobsters on your piano?

Having crabs on your organ.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing...

...but mean your mother.

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I don’t understand this whole sex thing

Everyone else is playing Multiplayer but I’m still stuck on the Campaign

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

The thing I like about the dark is

You could be standing in front of an axe murderer and not know it until you’re chopped up or you take your schizophrenia medicine.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

There are some things I can't get a grip on.

And that's why I stick to handles.

What's the worst thing about having a girlfriend who's a dentist?

She always spits instead of swallowing

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

What's the best thing about England?

The road back to Scotland

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Dude #1: “I’ve got a thing for plucking people’s eyes out.”

Dude #2: “I can see that.”

Dude #1: “No you can’t.”

Things aren't always #000000 and #FFFFFF

There are so many shades of #808080

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What's the last thing that goes through a fly's head right as it hits the windshield?

Its asshole.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

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People are all worried about the bad things that will come with face recognition...

And here I am in my moms basement wondering what the big deal is

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What’s the only thing you can say during sex and at a funeral?

Sorry, were you close?

There is 3 great things about having dementia:

1. You get to hide your own Easter eggs


2. You meet new people every day


And


3. You get to hide your own Easter eggs

Stranger Things joke. Why is Will's business flourishing?

Because everyone knows it's a Byer's market.

NSFW What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

What was the most violent thing Helen Keller ever read?

The cheese grater.

The thing I like about Donald Trump is that he doesn’t get mad at you for accidentally leaving a door or window open

This is because he has a fair amount of experience dodging drafts

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There is always one thing stopping me from getting a good blowjob

My ribs

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Why are dad jokes a thing?

Since Dads wanted to make it a**parent** that regular jokes were not for them.

If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

What do you call an X-Men who only does amazing things?

Magneato.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

Therea three things that happen when you get old

1:You start to lose your sight
2.You start to lose your hearing
And third . . . I cant remember.

What’s the hardest thing about jumping off a building?

The ground

Friend :What was the best thing that happened to you in your previous relationship?

Me: The Break up.

What's the worst thing about twenty eight year olds?

They all have to share a room at Jeffrey Epstein's apartment

Are the testes and prostate the same thing?

No, there's a vas deferens between them.

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What’s the best thing about a blowjob?

The five minutes of silence

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

I lost my father recently.. I’ll never forget the last thing he said before pulling the plug.

You’re adopted.

The thing about mexican arabs is...

once you've met Juan, you've met Jamal.

What is Popeye’s favorite thing to eat?

Olive Oil

Before the internet, things still went viral...

For example, The Beatles, among others, spread all over the world.

I guess you could say there were a few bugs going around.

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

A thing to ponder

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why does lightning not always strike in France?

The best thing about having a bad memory is you can never remember why you're sad.

It's a little sad to be honest.

So a man goes to buy things for his gf when they go to prom.

He goes to buy her some flowers, and there is a long line. He waits for a while before he can finally get them.

He then goes to buy her some chocolates, and again there is a very long line. He reluctantly waits, so he can get them for her.

Finally, he goes to the suit store to pick out...

What's the most douchebag thing to do?

Taking a shower with you backpack

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

I saw the most interesting thing yesterday..

I was walking outside and I saw 2 rats eating a DVD for whatever reason. I stopped and started to watch closely when suddenly one of the rats stops, looks at the other and says “You know Steve, I enjoyed the book more.”

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

The Best Thing About Reddit is...

The fact that no one will ever notice my anime profile pic.

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What's the worst thing a guy could hear when pissing in a urinal?

Silence.

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I have this thing for girls with big butts

Chloroform.

As a college girl, I never understood the whole Sorority thing

It's all Greek to me

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Things don't always turn out the way you think they will.

I always expected my mum to catch ME masturbating.

I was born around Saudi. I remember a couple things.

The first thing is that every woman had to wear a face cover, so only their eyes were visible.

The second thing is that I always lost my mom in grocery stores.

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.

Aisle weight.

Trump being President is a good thing.

It teaches children that no matter who they are... No matter what they study... No matter what qualifications they have...

ANYone can be President.

What was the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?

A ginger actually had 2 friends.

A colony on the moon would be a pretty cool thing.

Especially on the dark side.

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I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

Good thing of being ugly

Is that when someone stares at you for a while you know they are going to rob you.

The one thing I know about purchasing land:

You have to buy a lot.

Just to make things clear....

I am going to put on my glasses.

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what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

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