UPJOKE
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Thing Jokes

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

My 12-year-old son asked his grandfather what the worst thing about old age was...

Grandpa answered:

"It's erectile dysfunction."

My son asked:

"But is it really that bad?"

Grandpa replied:

"Imagine someone trying to play snooker with a rope... it's the same thing..."

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

The only thing flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

What’s the best thing about transphobia?

It finally got people interested in women’s sports.

What's the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

What word means the same thing with several letters added?

Mailbox

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What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

What's the worst thing about Austria?

I don't know, but the flag is a big minus.

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

a guy thing..

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I
was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in
between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course, I che...

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

A literalist takes things literally

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice.

And that’s Chris Brown

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

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First thing Trump does as President...

Is kick a Black man out of his house.

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

My 3 Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things are the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her...

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, Shoot!

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

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I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.

Happy Father's day

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

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I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

You know that thing

When you're having a poo and run out of toilet roll, then end up doing that trousers round your ankles shuffle thing to get some more?

It happened to me earlier!

I'm almost at the shop now..

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

I shouldn’t have bought this piece of shit from IKEA.

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

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The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast:

Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.

What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?

"Hey y'all, watch this!"

What's the longest-lasting thing made in China?

COVID-19

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Fastest thing

During an interview, the interviewer posed a question to four applicants: "What do you consider the fastest thing?"

The first applicant promptly replied, "The blink of an eye!"

The second applicant chimed in, "I'd say it's a thought."

The third applicant confidently stated, "The...

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

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What’s the Worst Thing a Woman Can Ask a Man Their First Time Having Sex Together?

Is it in yet?

What’s the second worst thing she can ask immediately after?

Is it all the way in?

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...

...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.

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Phone calls and blowjobs are the same thing for me.

Im never on the receiving end

A man was rravelling along a country road in his car, when a strange thing passed and overtook him.

Not wanting to be outdone, the man speeds up his car, but is unable to catch up to the thing. Just before reaching a side road, he sees the thing dissappear into some bushes at the side of the road.

The man turns off at the parallel road and stops at a farmhouse there. He gets out and rings t...

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

The great thing about inflation,

is if you spend the same on groceries,

the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

What’s the most British thing in the British museum?

The name.

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

An Irishman's philosophy...there are only two things to worry about..

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you're sick, there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there ...

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What's the last thing you wanna hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

What's the best thing about corn?

It's the only food that if you really wanted to you could eat twice

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

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Good thing Stephen King does not make porn movies

We will never see IT coming

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

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Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan, so she went directly to him and asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex”, he replied.

Jane thought for a moment and then explained in detail what sex was to him.

“Tarzan use hole in tree”

Jane was shocked:”No, n...

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

Things I hate:

1. Reddit posts

2. Lists

3. Irony

4. Lists

5. Repetition

7. Inconsistency

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

Will glass coffins become a thing?

... Remains to be seen.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want an...

Anyone know the best thing about the invention of e-mail?

People stopped judging me so much for being an anti-faxxer

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

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Whats the first thing you do after sex?

Finish the autopsy while reminding myself that one moment of weakness does not make me a bad vet.

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

Lighting a fire is the only thing...

that I do by Hearth.

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

I met few cannibals the other day and they all said the same thing.

They are fed up with people.

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

It's ass

Husband: I don't like three things about you. Wife: What things?

Husband: Your chin.

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The piano playing in “Eyes Wide Shut” may be the most unnerving thing I’ve ever heard...

...and I’ve heard my parents having sex

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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The best thing about Japanese porn

is they censor it so I can watch it with my family

What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool?

You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

What's the first thing you know?

Old Jed's a millionaire.

What's the saddest thing about Indiana Jones with dementia?

He can't find his hat.

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