UPJOKE
reasonwhereforebecauseanswerquestionwhataskhownotthatbutdoesknowthinksomething

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone...

Because he's dead

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

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Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 and 12

Pack of 3:Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday

Pack of 6:Those are for college men,

'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday

Pack of 12:
'Those are for the married men.

ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE ...

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Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

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Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they're enjoying a piece of meat.

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

The sign says "No trespassing"

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

from my 7 y/o: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

Why did the Mexican man need Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

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Why is playing Jenga so important on a first date.

So I can show the girl my pull out game is on point

Why couldn’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

He was married.

Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?

Because they're in cells.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

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Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

Because she used the other one to moan

Why did the non-binary prospector go to San Francisco in 1849?

'Cause there was gold in them/their hills!

I asked my phone "Siri, why am still single?"

It opened the front camera

Why do French tanks have rear sight mirrors?

So the driver can see the battlefield

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potions cauldron and best friend?

Because they are both cauldron

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?

So just in case they go overboard they can wash up on shore!

Arrrrgh

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

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Why do men give their jacket to women when its cold ?

Because no guy wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

Why did the tomato lose the race?

He couldn’t ketchup in time.

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Finally, a blonde joke I haven’t heard before…

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

‘You ok?’ she says.

‘Ye...

Why does the Little Mermaid wear a seashell bra?

Because she outgrew her B shells.

Why did the Egyptian Civilization decline?

It turned out to be a giant pyramid scheme.

Why did the man fall down the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool?

They can't keep their trunks up.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food without inflation.

The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church

The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Why did God create war?

To teach Americans Geography

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

Why couldn't Mario find his kart?

It was Toad...

Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith?

Because he’s always improving their punchlines.

Why were they called the Dark Ages?

Because there were lots of knights.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan

Why can't Ray Charles drive a car?

He's dead.

Why couldn’t the pasta get inside the house?

Gnocchi

why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because batman swore to protect goth ham

Two men enter a bar in the Russia. One says, "Why does Putin only write in lowercase?" The other one says,

"Because he is afraid of capitalism."

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

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Why did the prostitute give the diabetic a free blowjob?

She thought it'd be sweet.

Why are there no bridges named after Chuck Norris?

Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

Why was the shopping center’s father ashamed?

He didn’t raise his daughter to be a strip-mall!

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Why did the boxers agree to have their match in the bathroom?

Because that’s where the shit goes down.

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

Because they have nothing Toulouse.

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

(My 4 year old finds this absolutely hilarious) Why was the cow wearing headphones?

So he can listen to mooosic!

Why is reverse cowgirl not allowed in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

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Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

Why do Norwegians have barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

Why do divers fall backwards off of boats?

Because if they fell forward they'd bang their heads on the deck.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

Why was the skinny scientist so excited?

>!He just won the no belly prize!<

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?

They got caught up in a purramid scheme.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why did Bill Gates' wife divorce him?

Because, he was always microsoft in bed.

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp

Why did the child cross the road?

They didn't wear a seatbelt...

Why did Dracula turn down the job at the mirror factory?

He just couldn't see himself doing the job

Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?

He keeps hitting on 17.

Why aliens don't visit earth ?

They read the reviews......
only 1 star.....

Why do they always evacuate the women, and children first when there is a disaster?

Just so the men can have a moment of peace and silence

Why haven’t aliens visited our planet yet?

They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She didn't know where the 11 was.

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Why is eating pussy and dealing with the Mafia similar?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast

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a bartender asks a guy why he's so sad

guy says he found out his son is gay.

leaves comes back the next day, even sadder.

tells the bartender he found out his second son is gay.

leaves and comes back the next day, sadder than ever.

bartender says "wtf, does anyone in your family like women?"

guy says "...

Why do knives not make great friends?

Because they're really edgy!

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night clothes, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting ...

Why did the guy with a foot fetish want to lose?

He loves defeat.

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why is...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this May!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later...

The police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is. (Smiles was my intention sorry to anyone I offended)

Why was the nun kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

Why is a stormtrooper always late for work?

Because they keep missing the bus

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done...

Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them?

So you can still eat them after usage

why are optimitrists slow when they go to the bathroom?

Because they keep asking
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

Why is it often easier to pose questions in the third person?

Asking for a friend...

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl pee?

>!Because they're extinct!<

why did the anarchist die of cancer?

he didn't get a prostate exam.

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Why do most American Vegans live in Dallas?

Because Dallas spelled backwards is Sallad.

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

Why should you date Shakira?

You can always tell if she lies.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

Why did the barbarian mug the bard?

So he could take the lute!

Why did the atheist fail their quiz on exponents?

Because they don't believe in a higher power *bu dum tss*

Why did the bee cross the road?

To get to the other hive.

Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club?

He did it for the boos.

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There is a reason why I (20m) would like to not die a virgin

I would hate to be part of a jihadists heaven

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!

Why can’t Lil Sebastian talk?

Because he’s a little horse

Why did the cannibal never make any friends?

He was taught never to play with his food.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

Why is Gaston the most peaceful Disney villain?

Because he won the No-Belle Prize

Why was the fallen branch so confident?

Big Stick Energy

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

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Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?

He quit after one shot in the bunker.

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

Why did the burglar wear Blue gloves?

He didn't want to get caught Red handed!

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

I asked my mom why she didnt hyphenate her last name.

Dad said she lost her hyphen when she got married.

Why is the book so thick?

Long story

Why did the dog cross the road?

Because someone left the door open.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2^(2)

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Why old men don’t get hired…

Interviewer: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Old man: my honesty.

Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.

Old man: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

Why didn’t Anna and Elsa’s parents teach them the whole alphabet?

Because they got lost at C.

Why do political parties hate organised crime?

They don't like voter competition.

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Why did the pervert cross the road? [NSFW]

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

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Why is pussy called the smallest hotel room in the world?

It's so small you have to leave your bags outside.

Why don't people gossip during breakfast?

They don't want to spill the beans.

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

Why does Jimmy eat his Oreos with water?

Cuz his dad never came back with the milk

Why was the naked man blurry?

>!Over exposure!<

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You know why there’s Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse?

Because they can't afford any gasoline!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

Why did Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because William Shatner (shat on her).

I'll get my coat.

People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called “boob sweat”…

And not humidi-titties?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

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So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

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Why I don’t go to titty bars…

If I wanted to spend $200 in one night on a woman who has no intention of fu**ing me, I’d just take my wife out to dinner.

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

Why is Batman an Anti-Vaxxer?

His parents took shots and died.

Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

He was already stuffed.

Why do you have to wait while at the gym

because you get buffer

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?

He couldn’t a fjord a new one.

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?…

Cause the p is silent

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

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