UPJOKE
reasonwhereforebecauseanswerquestionwhataskhownotthatbutdoesknowthinksomething

Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors?

So the drivers could see the battlefield.

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
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"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

Why did the conjoined twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.

Why did the boomer cross the street?

To show how it's done.

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was in the 6 offenders registry.

I was so confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

They're too heavy to carry to the British museum

Why did the rabbit suspect his wife was cheating on him?

He kept finding different hares in his bed.

Why are trans parents bad at lying?

You can see right through them

Why is Voldemort so good with computers?

He's fluent in Python

Why do Americans shake hands as a greeting?

To show they're only holding one gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

Why is chess so difficult for British people?

Cause they just lost the queen.

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa?

They're making all the toys

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can’t stand fast food

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

why do north koreans draw the straightest line?

Because they have a supreme ruler

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

why Elon musk is A true Edison of our time ?

Because He found a way to milk Nicolai after he has been long in the grave, too

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

Why was it called the Cold War?

Because of all the Icy-BMs!

Why are Catholics so upbeat after religious services?

Because they convert Mass into energy.

Why do Ladas have heated rear windows?

To keep your hands warm when pushing them.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland

"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

Why can’t the vaccine contain holy water?

Because you’re not supposed to take the lord’s name in vein.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?

Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

we know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. but why did 7 eat 9?

he wanted to have 3 squared meals a day

Mathematical joke - Why did Sin go to the beach?

Cos he wanted a Tan

Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car?

It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler create the Nazi Party?

Because it was Fascionable at the time

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is posting to r/jokes like masterbating?

Because 3 times a day just isn't enough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is viagra just like Disneyland?

It's a 1 hour wait for a 5 minute ride.

Why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards?

Cause if they went forwards they'd just fall in the boat.

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.

Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it, when a woman.....

hires a man to do things that her husband won't do, he's called a handyman? But when a man hires a woman to do things his wife won't do, she's called a prostitute?

Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?

She thought she was fasting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Asexual orgy not work out?

No one came.

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2²

Why couldn't the trans person learn coding?

They are non-binary!

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

I asked Siri why I'm still single...

It opened the front camera.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

Why was the computer cold?

Because it left its Windows open!

Why does the baker rarely get into arguments?

He's a loafer, not a fighter.

Why do cats make the fluffiest omelettes?

They have the best whiskers

Why is Dark spelt with a “K” and not “C” at the end?

Because you cannot C in the dark

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong sock on this morning

Why was the Jewish Jedi lonely?

Because he had no Force Kin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

Joke a kid told me today: Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see a chicken strip

Why are ghosts always sad?

Because they’re going through things

why do cows have hooves instead of feet..

Because they lac-tose

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

Why did the farmer win an award for best actor?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don’t dentists like math?

They don’t like calculus.

Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Because he sucks.

Why did Putin cross the road?

To annex the chicken’s territory.

Why don't rednecks like reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't nudists hang out at smoke spots?

Because people flick their butts.

Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.

Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?

Because she was wearing mittens

Why was Mr. Information sad?

Because everyone was spreading Ms. Information

Why did the trans woman go by she/her?

Because her/she was trademarked.

why was the whale so rich?

Because it was whale-thy

Why do you always let a woman go through the door first?

Snipers!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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Why did Einstein only own grandfather clocks

Because time is relative

Why did Captain Hook cross the street?

To get to the second hand store.

Why is fisherman bad at boxing?

Cause he only throws hooks

Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

Why doesn't Santa have any children of his own?

Because he only comes once a year.

Why can’t a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re dead, idiot!

Why did all the ladies love Jesus?

(spread your arms apart)

Because he was hung like T H I S

Why did the girl not want to date the communist?

He was waving a lot of red flags.

Why are women in the Postal service….

When it’s such a mail dominated industry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why were T-Rexes so angry?

Because they couldn't masturbate.

Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?

You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why can't you get pregnant from having sex with a vampire?

Because they need permission to come inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because, if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

Why did the math teacher call her student average?

She was being mean.

A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"

"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."

"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."

Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.

"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

-So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

-A giraffe eating cherries.

Dinner guest: Why is your dog looking at me like that?

Host: Don't worry, he just doesn't like you using his plate.

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?

They probably don't like each other.

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote

Why couldn’t Yoda work out that |7| = 7?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

why did the pencil stink?

…because it was a No. 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Santa’s sack so full?

He only cums once a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Chinese speaking people so good at cunnilingus?

Well, you remember that trick where you trace the alphabet with your tongue.

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

He’s married.

why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications

My son handed me his report card and I asked him, “Why is this wet?”

He said, “My grades are below C level.”

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two-tired.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Why did the bullet leave the office building?

He was fired.

Why isn't Earth a perfect circle?

You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.

Why was the pdf afraid of the folder?

It had a .rar file in it.

I know it's horrible, but I came up with it when I was twelve.

My parents nearly took my computer away.

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

Why doesn’t Putin use his own hands when he sends a text?

‘Cause he’s more of a dictator.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Gastroenterologist hired to work in customer service?

He already dealt with assholes all day

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

Why was the doctor always calm? .

Because he had a lot of patients

Why did the corn call the police?

Because it got stalked!

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

Why is space so cold?

Because we have all the space heaters down here.

Why didn’t Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day?

No well

Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?

Because he's a fun gi

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

Why do Russian policemen go around in threes?

One who can read.

One who can write.

And one to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why is my wife pregnant?

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.



The doctor replied...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

Why was Vivaldi always asking for money?

Because he was Baroque

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the wife of a peanut butter executive hate sleeping with her husband

Because he cums in a jiffy

Why don’t they have pregnant Barbie dolls?

Because Ken came in a separate box.

Why doesn't Dracula eat beef?

Because steak is bad for his heart.

Why is the unemployment rate increasing in Iran?

Because of all of the women quitting their 'Jabs

Why was the cheesemaker so shy?

He was not Gouda conversation

Why should you never punch a mall Santa?

Idk, security wouldn’t tell me

Why does Peter Parker only have eleven months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole

isn't called changing your ring tone?

why do monarchs feel so important?

Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

Know why you’ve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they’re good at it

Why do capitalists celebrate Easter?

They love when prophets rise.

Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?

He was a Mike Rowe manager.

Why does a hamburger have more energy than a steak?

Because it’s in a ground state.

Why do people from Alabama make the best paleontologists?

They're amazing at relative dating.

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

Why did Quentin Tarantino get arrested for his foot fetish?

He got off on the wrong foot.

Why don't you marry her?

She has a slight impediment in her speech.

What is it?

She can't say "Yes".



Source: 1913 Newspaper

why is Alabama the sandwich capital of the world?

Because everything is inbread

Why don't aliens visit us?

Because we only have 1 star in our solar system.

Why did the old desperado become a Denny's franchisee when he retired?

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.....
Because he always had a way with them senior eaters!

Why did the Hindu god Vishnu keep losing at chess?

Because every time he made a move, Shiva would destroy the board!

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