UPJOKE
reasonwhereforebecauseanswerquestionwhataskhownotthatbutdoesknowthinksomething

Why Jokes

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they are too big to transport to British museums

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee?

Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2²

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

Why was 10 scared?

It was in the middle of 9/11?

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating

Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors?

So the drivers could see the battlefield.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are chess players good in bed?

They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

Why isn’t there a pregnant barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?

A: Because deep down they’re really good people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Why Jesus doesn't come back

An extraterrestrial landed his flying saucer in a man's back yard. The man came out and the two started talking. Eventually, the man asked the extraterrestrial if they knew about Jesus on his planet.


"Oh, yes," said the alien. "We know Jesus very well. In fact, he visits our world e...

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

Why do Scotsmen wear a kilt?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7

Because 9 7 8

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is every American receiving a $1200 check?

Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From my wife: Why did God create orgasms?

So women have something to moan about, even when they're happy.

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

Why are trans women so good at swimming?

Because they are boyn’t

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
.
.
.
.
.
"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this pa...

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

Why is helium so expensive these days?

Because of all the inflation.

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

Why is 0 = 1?

cos 0 = 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.

Why would a flash bang grenade be ineffective on Helen Keller?

Because she's dead.

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why say you swallow cum?

When you can say you sucseed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

Why is “reverse cowgirl” illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they have been extinct for millions of years.

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

Why don't aliens visit our Solar System?

They read the reviews... just one star...

Why do Norwegians have barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs

Why is 6.9 the worst number？

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone...

Because he's dead

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Why did the boomer cross the street?

To show how it's done.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?

— I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are boobs soft and squishy?

Because they are made of mammary foam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Why do French people eat small breakfasts

One egg is an oeuf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?

Because they prefer their flesh light.

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.

Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to run for his office

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn

She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it’s either Sunni or Shi’ite.

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning



*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away

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