Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

Why the great pyramids are in Egypt?

Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.

Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because of a rotten banana or whatever.

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t blind people Skydive?

It scares the shit out of the guide dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wondered why my wife brings me cake when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband why he cheated

Husband: “Well she was lying there naked what was I supposed to do?”

Wife: “The fucking autopsy you idiot”

Why don't Kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?

Because he became Claustrophobic.

I'll see myself out.

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

Why did the non-binary prospector travel West in 1849?

Because there's gold in them/their hills

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex

They don't want to admit a piece of meat can make them happy

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn’t the lemon and lime have sex?

Because they were cousins and that would be inzest.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa

Because they’re the ones making the toys

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift?

Because they hate Police reform.

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

Why is morning difficult in Athens?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

Why does 10 have PTSD?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s?

Because they can't even.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

Why did God only use 1 of Adam's ribs to make Eve?

Because if He had taken 2 of them, Adam wouldn't have needed her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

Why do they put fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get in!

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

why did princess peach choke?

Mario came down the wrong pipe

Why don't lawsuits last very long?

Because most lawyers have briefcases.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn`t Jesus born in Alabama?

They couldn\`t come up with three wise men and a virgin.

Why does everyone in the MCU wear wrinkled shirts?

Because they lost their Iron, Man.

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?

Because they have the best dating techniques.

Why are there more Chuck Norris jokes than Bruce Lee jokes?

Because Bruce Lee is not a joke

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why did the chicken cross-

Nvm, a car hit it.

Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?

'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.

Why does the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Why is Santa always happy?

He knows where all bad girls are living.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

Call a woman beautiful 1000 times, and she'll never remember. Call her fat one time, and she'll never forget. You know why?

Elephants never forget.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cowboys put their name on the back of their belt?

So the trucker knows who he is fucking.

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England

(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

Why can't blondes work at the M&M Company?

Because they throw away all the ones with w's

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they’re all dead

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because very few of them know how to dance.

Why do people named Bart avoid pubs?

They’re all scared of the bartender.

Why doesn't Trump read books?

He only reads MAGAzines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work.

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?

Because if it lifted up both it would fall over

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because of all the holes in his hands.

Why did Shakespeare always use a pen when writing?

Because the pencil was confusing - 2B or not 2B

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Why did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?

Because he had low self Epstein.

Why do chickens make good dollar store employees?

Whenever you ask them the price they say "Buck buck buck buuuuuuck,"

Why does santa have a huge sack?

Cause he only comes once a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.

*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

“Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?”

“Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.”

“Alright, thanks dad..”

“No problem Alan!”

Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Because Mrs. Claus won't let him in the back door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a piss?

Silent p.

Why are huskies always drunk?

Because _whine_ runs in their blood!

You can thank my 2 AM sleep-deprived brain for this :P

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

Why couldn't Godzilla eat the hotel?

Because it was too suite.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex do pushups?

Because they're extinct.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know why I put lip balm on my bum hole?

Keeps the chaps away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the employee at the lightbulb factory get fired?

He told his supervisor to lighten the fuck up.

Why were pirates afraid of landing on the Barbary Coast?

They didn't want to run into any Barbarians

why do Indians rarely squabble over bread?

Its a Naan-issue

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's two-tired.

Why did the blonde get fired from an M&M factory?

She kept throwing out the Ws.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

Why can't you trust atoms?

Cuz they make up basically everything

Why are pigs the worst drivers?

Because they always hog the road.

Joke from my 5yr old.

Why do Orphans Play GTA so Much

So they can be wanted.

Why was David Bowie good at test taking?

Because he could write Under Pressure!

Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

When he was a teenager, little Johnny’s father caught him reading one of his older sister’s magazines. “Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine?” he asked.

“There’s an article that tells women where to meet men,” Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine’s cover. “I need to know where I’m supposed to be.”

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

Why are color blind people not allowed to join the Air Force?

Because they won’t know who they’re supposed to bomb.

Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.

Why don't blind people eat sushi?

Because they can't seafood

Why did God decide to imprison everything that exists inside a gigantic fist that could only be opened with the punchline to this joke.

I could tell you the answer, but then things would get out of hand.

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.


Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc?

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands?

He’s extinct.

Why do elves laugh when they run?

Because the snow tickles their balls.

Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters?

Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Why can't dinosaurs speak?

Because they're dead.

Why did the woman marry her gynecologist?

He checked a lot of boxes.

Why do Bostonians love khakis?

Because how else would they start their car?

Why are bass guitarists always safe?

Because they stay out of treble.

Why don't owls mate during storms?

Because it's too wet to woo

Why did the flight attendant pass away?

She was terminally ill

Why was the floor of the fireplace sticky on Christmas morning?

Because Santa Claus came down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

Why does r/Jokes love necrophilia?

Because some of these jokes should have been dead a long time ago.

Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over bay, they would be bagels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Natzis participate in triathlons?

Because they hate mixed races.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nswf Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He always cums down the chimney

I asked my wife why she never told me when she has the big O

She said she hates to bother me when I’m at work

The young alien didn't understand why we call them "dad jokes" ...

Until one day it became apparent

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore

It collapsed because of Pier pressure

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because it's not recommended to take medecine on an empty stomach.

Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads?


Why is chicken a hoe?

Because chicken strips.

Why did the Carpenter's wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around, when he should have been nailing her...

Why did a cheetah's company go bankrupt?

Because it can't read, doesn't know what is money or a business, and mauled the HR manager at the first meeting in the first day of work? Seriously, who thought this is a good idea?

Why couldn't the Vampire get his wife pregnant?

He needs permission to come inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why you should have a pansexual roommate

They will do the dishes

Why don’t people from Alabama have family trees?

Because it’s just one long branch.

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

Why does the army need people under the age of 5?

For the Infantry

Why did the old man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

Why do you see a blonde crawling in the supermarket?

Because she is looking for low prices.

Ok Mods I want to know why my post was removed.

It's annoying because my fence keeps falling down.

Robin said to Batman...

"Batman, why do you wear dark colors?"

"Easy Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

"Then why do I wear bright colors?"

"It also makes me less likely to be shot."

Why can’t Hellen Keller drive?

Cause she’s dead

Why does Santa Claus have no kids?

He only comes during the holiday period

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

An American asks a Frenchman: Why don’t the French say grace before their meal?

Because we can cook

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