This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc?

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?

Because we’re raised differently.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

Why is Yoda afraid of seven?

Because six, seven ate.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why you...

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign f...

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

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why dont blind people skydive?

it scares the fuck outta the dog

“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?” “Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl on Alabama?

You don’t turn your back on the family

A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”

“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”

Why does bill Cosby like fliers

Because their passed out

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

They either have the position or the momentum, but never both.

Why is pubic hair curly?

So it doesn't poke your eyes.

Why is Ireland the wealthiest country in the world?

because its capital is always dublin.

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

Why is Kim Jong Un heartless?

Because he has no Seoul.

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Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’?

Because you can’t c in the dark.

Why do white women like trading stories about asking for the manager?

Because Sharon is Karen.

Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish?

Because the Tea fell in the harbor.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks (please don't hurt me)

Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows?

To keep the owner's hands warm when they are pushing it!

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the hot dog vendor fail sex-ed?

He didn't know what condiment.

Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

Why is Texas called The Lone Star State?

To warn you about their Yelp rating….

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the quantum physicist participate in sexual threesomes?

Because he was interested in investigating entanglement and running double slit experiments.

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

Why are women and children evacuated first in disasters?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was John Travolta hospitalized?

He came down with Saturday Night Fever

Why didn't Indiana Jones have a Nokia phone?

Because he was too afraid of the Snake game.

Why do orphans have only 363 days?

They don't have a mother's day and father's day

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Dad: "Son, do you know why Spider-Man is so good with his quips?"

Son: "Why dad?"

Dad: "Because with great power comes great response ability"

Why can't vegetarians eat pudding?

You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it hard to tell if monsters are gay?

Because they are in the closet

Why was sin lying on top of cos at the beach?

They were tanning.

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Why don’t pirates know the alphabet?

Because they get lost at C

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Why is the ocean so powerful?

Because it has lots of mussels.

Why are skeletons always scared?

Because they have no guts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why bakers are good at sex?

They always pull out on time

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Have a good afternoon!

Can the mods of this sub explain as to why my posts were removed?

Now my fence has fallen over….

Why shouldn't you fart in an apple store?

Because they don't have windows.

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

e: "Why did you marry me?" My wife: "Because you are so funny". Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"

My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"

Why don’t Americans bike to work?

They don’t want to be two tired.

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

I have a pet newt that I named tiny. My friend asked me why tiny.

I told him it was because he was my newt.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

Why don’t mathematicians get constipated?

Because they can work anything out with a pencil.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

Why did the farmer cross the road?

To get his chicken back.


(Credit goes to my little sister. Did this one when she was eight. She's a legend.)

Why does Tom Holland never drive?

Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers

Why do Italian men grow a mustache ?

So they can look like their mother.

Why do Marxists only drink decaf tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why do liberals hate dentists?

Because dentists make teeth straight and white.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex while camping so great?

Because it's fucking in tents.

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well

Why did the energizer bunny go to jail

He was charged with battery

Why don’t horse’s governments ever get anything done?

Because they always vote neigh

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Why couldnt baby jesus be born in NYC?

Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin

Why did Joe Rogan take ivermectin?

To prove the neigh sayers wrong.

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

You ever walk into a room and completely forgot why you went in there?

Yeah, that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the fuck would you take them off?!

Mary went home happy, telling her mom about how she earned 20 bucks just by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Mary, they just wanted to see your panties!" Mary replied, "Ah, that's the thing. See Mom, I was smart, so I took them off!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

Because it got hit by the first koala.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Because he thought it was a game and joined in!

Why did Draco Malfoy's funeral service take place outside?

Because he hated grief indoors.

My liberal friend asked me why we think owning gun is a God given right when noone in Bible had one.

I corrected him that Paul had epistle...

Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

Why can't you lie to a radiologist?

Because they see right through you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

Why was 4 afraid of 3?

3 wanted to get even

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My translation of a foreign joke:

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, p...

Why do people dread mornings in Athens?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

why are Homeless people always yelling?

Because they don't know how to use inside voices.

Why can't Quentin Tarantino go on an airplane?

Because the pilot mentions "30,000 feet" and he goes absolutely crazy.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Island need a Therapist?

Because it was in a tropical depression.

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Why do babies always cry on planes?

Because they go from at no fear to atmosphere!

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are…?

Q: Why are male porn stars such valued employees?

A: Because they are always hard at work.

Why cant you surf microwaves

They are too small

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?

Because the knife actually had a point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Why did the hippie die out at sea?

Because he was too far out man.

Why did the African band win the battle of the bands?

They were Moroccan

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

- Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

Q: Why did the chicken lick the toad?

A: To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken listen to The Doors?

To break on through to the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the blondes' belly button sore?

Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Why do golfers have an extra pair of socks?

Incase they get a hole in one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pregnant wife asked me why I didn't get the clothes from the dryer

My pregnant wife asked me why I didn't get the laundry from the dryer once they were done.

I apologized "honey, I'm sorry, but you know my pull out game is weak."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

Why can’t republicans use hand sanitizer?

Because the directions say to apply liberally

Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms?

Because they don’t allow civilian casual tees!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs!

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm.

She said she doesnt want to disturb me while I'm at work.

Why did the Catholic chef sanitize his crucifix while preparing Sunday brunch?

To prevent cross-contamination.

I have never understood why women love cats

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

You can't take medicine on an empty stomach

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

Why are LGBT people so fashionable?

Because they spent a lot of time in the closet

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

Why did Bill Cosby get hit with contempt of court?

He was accused of quaaluding with the jury.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

Why won't shrimps share their treasure?

Because they're shellfish.

Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I put on the wrong sock today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the bride smiling when she is walking down the isle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job.

Edit-Aisle ….. cannot spell. I’m a dumbass from Florida.

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

Why should women not get married after 30?

30 marriages is more than enough

Why do the French never have more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

Why did the square fall in love with the triangle?

Because she had acute angle.

Why are people taking Ivermectin?

They think it behooves them

Why does milk turn into yogurt when you take it to a museum

Because it turns into cultured milk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it awkward to have sex in an Apple Store?

Because, Apple Watches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are creative character writers so good in bed?

……because they really know how to pen a trait!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are pipefitters successful?

They know how to get their shit together.

Why North Korea falling in love with South Korea?

Because South Korea has a beautiful Seoul

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

(Politics) Why would it be unsafe to board a plane with Ben Shapiro?

He'd destroy the Left Wing.

Why are british people good at chess?

Because their queen can't die.

Why are skeletons so calm?

***Because nothing gets under their skin.***

Why does Luxembourg have a standing army?

Because there is no room to sit down.

Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.

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