Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7

Because 9 7 8

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other one!

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9?

Because you need 3 square meals a day!

Why are there 2 d's in Reddit

The second one is a repost

Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that...

Then IT hit me.

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked him who the best composer was, they replied, "Bach Bach Bach"

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

Why can Miss Piggy only count to 68?

Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat!

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools to practise

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

Why can’t we joke about mass shootings in the US?

It’s always too soon

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning?

Because he was too far out, man.

Why can’t a nose be 12” long?

Because then it’d be a foot.


I already regret this one

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken cums in another box.

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

Why do astronauts use Linux?

Because you can't open Windows in space.

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of b shells

Why is North Korea so mean?

They have no Seoul

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not a c?

Because everyone knows you can’t c in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why planes don't have babies?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who could...

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Why are seismologists so hard to get along with?

Because they're sensitive to a fault.

Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Why did the redneck want to become a paleontologist?

He heard they deal with relative dating!

Why should you not write notes with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

Why aren't you married?

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
...

Why do rednecks cut their sleeves off?

They have the right to bare arms

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Why did my abusive father cross the road?

Beats me

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because they only have little ears.

Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession?

Every day is a hare-raising experience.

Why is the number 10 traumatized?

It was in the middle of 9/11

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

Why are friends a lot like snow?

Because if you keep peeing on them they will slowly disappear.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

Why don't racecar drivers eat before a race?

So they don't get Indy-gestion.

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because she was 2²

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Why do native Americans hate the month April?

Because April showers bring may flowers..
and mayflowers bring the white people

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why chicken breasts are so meaty?

They are always working on their pecks.

Why do atheists have trouble with exponents in math?

They don’t believe in a higher power....

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade?

He had a bison.

Why did the girl blush when she opened the fridge?

She saw the salad dressing.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

Why do you hate lazy people?

They haven't even done anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

Why don't nuns wear bras?

Because God supports everything

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through his hands.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

So everyone know that Seven ate Nine, but why did Seven eat Nine?

Seven wanted to eat three square meals a day.

Why do they call American Cheese “American Cheese”?

Because only Americans would call it cheese

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had a lot of problems.

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

Why are there so many NSFW posts

It's not like we have jobs

Why can’t we trust atoms ?

Because they make up everything

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9


Why did 7 eat 9?

He needs to eat 3 squared meals per day


4 saw 7 eat 9. Why didn't he report 7 to the police?

He was 2 squared

Why do the French hate bakers?

Because all they make is *pain*

Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"?

A good caption always goes down with the ship.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the clown take a bunch of laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on the broom.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did hitler kill himself?

Because he saw the gas bill.

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's just two tired

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

Why did Donald Trump hire Van Helsing?

To stop the Count.

Why did the red neck couple only have two children?

The wife read that every third person born in the world was Chinese.

Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama?

You don't turn your back on family

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

Why do nurses always carry a red pen with them ?

In case they need to draw blood.

Do you know why farts smell?

So the deaf can enjoy them too!

Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

Why is it called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

Why can't control engineers never say "No" to their bosses?

Because they work in "S-Domain"!

Why did the elderly couple leave their camping trip disappointed?

Because the old man couldn’t pitch a tent.

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

In loving memory of all faces buried there.

Why was the priest upset with his new PS5

It didn’t support cross play

My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.

I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast.

Why are Star Wars movies released in the order of 456, 123, 789?

Released by Yoda they were

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

Why have more people been getting vaccinated against Covid lately?

They have decided that it's worth a shot

Why were a bunch of kangaroos arrested?

Because they were involved in gangaroo activity.

Why is it called "a" symptomatic if you don't have symptoms?

Because if you did have symptoms you would "b" symptomatic!

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

Why don’t you run behind a car?

Because you will get exhausted.

Why don’t you run on the side of the car?

Because you will get tired,

Why don’t you run in front of a car?

Because you will get run over.

Why did the orphans only play half a season of baseball?

There were no home games.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste?

Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.

I'm sorry.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

Why does Michael J Fox like COVID-19?

No more hand shaking!

Why is the “The Big Lebowski” the president’s favorite movie?

Because the Dude is a Biden.

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

Why did the cowboy have to buy a dachshund?

He had to get a long little doggy.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows.

*But the road will have its vengeance.*

Why do scientists don't have doorbells in their house?

Because they want to win no-bell prize¡

Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because he didn't habenero!

Why did the queen go to the dentist?

She had severe gingivitis.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

Me: Why is my sister’s name Teresa?

Dad: because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram for Easter.

Me: Thanks, dad.

Dad: no problem, Alan.

Why do ants don't go to church.?

Because they are in sects.

Why cant you open a piano ?

because the keys are inside

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains?

I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.

You know why fish are so political?

They are always taking debate.

Why don’t British people pronounce the “t” in “Bri’ish?”

Because they already drank all the t

Why did the mexican take his anti-anxiety medication?

For hisPanic attack.

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Why doesn’t America want to play Chess with the UK?

They are down two towers already and the UK has a unkillable queen

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

There wasn’t a crosswalk obviously, he wasn’t going to jaywalk

Why are british people so good at chess?

Their queen never dies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the blond have a sore belly button?

His boyfriend was blond, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

Why is it called a kilt?

Because that's what they did to the last guy that made fun of them.

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