Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Hello there people who sort by new!

A young boy was digging a fairly large hole in his backyard when his neighbour saw him. The neighbour walked to the fence and asked,

Neighbour: Why are you digging a hole in your backyard?

The young boy: Im digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish.

Neighbour: Then why are you dig...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

What Sort Of Music Do Wind Turbines Like?

They're huge metal fans.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a conversation with someone online. It sort of went well

Me: I hate my fucking life!

Stranger: No you don’t, you hate it at the moment

Me: I’m 22, work in a fast food restaurant, and I’ll never get a better job. And if I tell my boss, he’ll cut my already shit pay because he’s a cheap bastard

Stranger: That’s illegal

Me: And my...

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make?

Crap

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

What sort of jeans does Mario wear?

Denim Denim Denim.

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

So I'm 30 and Charlotte is 21. Went out last night and we kept getting funny looks like I was some sort of peadophile. Does anyone else think that age is just a number?

It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

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Superman does Wonder Woman (sort of)

Superman is flying over Metropolis and he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on the rooftop of a very tall skyscraper and she is squirming around all sexy on the deckchair. Superman has always had a thing for her and this is just a waaay too much. He decides that because he has special powe...

What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

a sort algorithm walks into a bar

he orders anything

There are only 10 sorts of people in the world

— those who understand binary and those who don’t.

What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable?

A Radish

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

My friend went camping in the Serengeti with all sorts of lions roaming around

It was in tents

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

Manatees come in all sorts of shades and hues

Oh the hue manatee

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

What sort of drug does a duck use?

Quack cocaine

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

What sort of shoes to ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

Three men want to achieve a Guiness Record

Three men want to achieve a Guiness Record.

​

They go to the Guiness office's and meet with the guy in charge of the world records. The first one stands in front of the Guiness guy and says "I know more songs than anyone else in the world". They proceed to go to an office wh...

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what are the best sort of bees?

boobies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde with perfect breasts and no bra takes her seat in first class...

She's wearing a very tight t-shirt with the word NAN in bold black letters across the front.

The gentleman sitting next to her is already in his seat, enjoying a gin and tonic.

Once settled in she smiles at him and says "That looks good, I'd sure love one".

The man rings the ...

What sort of undergarments does a succinct pugilist wear?

Boxer briefs!

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter. Now, to get to heaven, they had to cross a large bridge. “The quality of the vehicle you will drive across this bridge with will be determined by how many times you cheated on your spouse” says St. Peter. The first guy walks up and St. Peter s...

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There was once a man with only one testicle...

He had suffered from monorchism since birth, and throughout his childhood he was bullied because of it.

He had been called all sorts of names - but none stuck with him as much as 'One-Stone'. He couldn't leave the house without someone shouting it at him.

Eventually, One-Stone became s...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...