The 88+ Best Sort Jokes

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

I tried sorting r/Jokes by new

But all the results were from 13 years ago.

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Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

What sort of dinosaur writes romance novels?

A Brontësaurus

Just sorted out the work rota for the zoo.

The lion sweeps tonight.

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

A queue of souls are in the next world, awaiting to be sorted.

A man comes to an angel. The angel asks:

\- Have you been married?

\- Yes, I was.

\- Very well, here is your pass to Heaven.

The man right after him steps forward. The angel:

\- Have you been married?

\- Yes, twice.

\- Here is your pass to Hell.
...

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

What sort of key do you use to open a banana?

A mon-key

The missus keeps sorting coins into neat, separate denomination piles

I'm not sure if she has OCD or if she's just going through the change

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying,

'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

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What sort of bees make milk?

BooBees

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

There are two sorts of people:

Those who fini

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How does a horny librarian sort books?

They use the do me decimal system.

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

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What sort of pornography does chickens watch?

Hen-tai

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

What sort of tree does a Satanist buy for Christmas?

A Lucifer

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

What sort of moovies do cows like to watch?

Moosicals

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

I was sorting the sub by new.

Nothing came up.

I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence

Then I relized “that would be crazy!”

I'm really funny, people tell me my humour comes in all sorts of colors.

Someone suggested I should be a stand up chameleon.

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Three guys just met and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I visit /r/jokes."

r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore...

Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.

I have a joke for all you sorting by new.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.

A *realist* sees a freight train.

The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.

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Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy?

An ARTY-Fact

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A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when

A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when a new old.lady approaches him and asks, "where's the broccoli?"

He says, "sorry we're out of broccoli"

She walks away and comes back ten minutes later and asks them same thing to the same guy.

He's a little confused but remains po...

What sort of mint do anarchists hate?

Governmint

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato

Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

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What sort of compensation do you get from a prostitute?

A going down payment

Sorting out Problems

Remember, whenever you have a problem with someone, use hydrochloric acid. It's always a solution.

My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at...

She looks like a sheep dog.

What sort of chicken caught the sun?

Tannedoori.

I have an OCD sort of condition

Its called CDO

I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in

She said cheque books.

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options.

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions?

A prejudice

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner

The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"

The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"

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My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2.

I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me now
Jason im sorry if u read this

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent?

A Nun-Disclosure Agreement

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

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A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination

He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.

What do you call a drive full of sorted data?

Information in formation

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

Godzilla is destroying a city and eating all sorts of humans.

His accomplice Bobzilla shows up with Charlie Brown, Lucy, Schroeder, and Snoopy, offering them to Godzilla..
He quickly says no.
“Bobzilla, you know I have a peanut allergy!”

There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

What Sort Of Music Do Wind Turbines Like?

They're huge metal fans.

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

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It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

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I must get my dyslexia sorted out.

I bought a car off ebay last week with no reserve.

The fucking thing won't go backwards.

When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

Trump (thanks for sorting by new)

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days - in a rare tender moment he described the first time he laid eyes on Melania, and clicked 'add to cart'

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

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What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

So I'm 30 and Charlotte is 21. Went out last night and we kept getting funny looks like I was some sort of peadophile. Does anyone else think that age is just a number?

It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

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