They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

What sort of chicken caught the sun?

Tannedoori.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

What's a common quote for both dyslexic sinners and redditors who sort by new

"See you in hot"

It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

What Sort Of Music Do Wind Turbines Like?

They're huge metal fans.

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

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(Long) (sort of NSFW) 1 hole behind

A man is trying out golf for the first time. He eventually loses track of where he is, so he asks a girl. The girl responds saying “ I am on hole 9, you are on 8. You are one hole behind me.” He thanks her and plays again. Once more, he loses track and asks the girl. The girl responds and says “ I a...

When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make?

Crap

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

What sort of jeans does Mario wear?

Denim Denim Denim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

So I'm 30 and Charlotte is 21. Went out last night and we kept getting funny looks like I was some sort of peadophile. Does anyone else think that age is just a number?

It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

a sort algorithm walks into a bar

he orders anything

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

There are only 10 sorts of people in the world

— those who understand binary and those who don’t.

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable?

A Radish

What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

What sort of drug does a duck use?

Quack cocaine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

My friend went camping in the Serengeti with all sorts of lions roaming around

It was in tents

Why can't you make something that's sort of like a macaron but not really?

Because then it'd just be macaroni

What sort of cereal does Thor eat?

Loki Charms.

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

What sort of shoes to ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first asks the bartender for a pint, the second for half, the third for a quarter, and so on.

The bartender gives them two and says sort it out your self

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