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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

i saw a guy today who looked sort of hot, but when i got closer i realized he was homeless and i was turned off

i never knew i was such a bigot, but in that moment, i realized i'm nohomophobic.

What sort of dinosaur writes romance novels?

A Brontësaurus

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

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Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

I tried sorting r/Jokes by new

But all the results were from 13 years ago.

When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

What sort of facial hair does a soda grow?

A root beard

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where...

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

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It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

Just sorted out the work rota for the zoo.

The lion sweeps tonight.

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

A queue of souls are in the next world, awaiting to be sorted.

A man comes to an angel. The angel asks:

\- Have you been married?

\- Yes, I was.

\- Very well, here is your pass to Heaven.

The man right after him steps forward. The angel:

\- Have you been married?

\- Yes, twice.

\- Here is your pass to Hell.
...

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

What sort of key do you use to open a banana?

A mon-key

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

The missus keeps sorting coins into neat, separate denomination piles

I'm not sure if she has OCD or if she's just going through the change

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What sort of bees make milk?

BooBees

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying,

'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

There are two sorts of people:

Those who fini

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What sort of pornography does chickens watch?

Hen-tai

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

What sort of tree does a Satanist buy for Christmas?

A Lucifer

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

What sort of moovies do cows like to watch?

Moosicals

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

I was sorting the sub by new.

Nothing came up.

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence

Then I relized “that would be crazy!”

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

I have a joke for all you sorting by new.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.

A *realist* sees a freight train.

The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.

r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore...

Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.

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Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

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A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when

A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when a new old.lady approaches him and asks, "where's the broccoli?"

He says, "sorry we're out of broccoli"

She walks away and comes back ten minutes later and asks them same thing to the same guy.

He's a little confused but remains po...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

Sorting out Problems

Remember, whenever you have a problem with someone, use hydrochloric acid. It's always a solution.

What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy?

An ARTY-Fact

Three guys just met and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I visit /r/jokes."

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What sort of compensation do you get from a prostitute?

A going down payment

What sort of mint do anarchists hate?

Governmint

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at...

She looks like a sheep dog.

I have an OCD sort of condition

Its called CDO

What sort of chicken caught the sun?

Tannedoori.

What sort of beans do they use in the Italian city of Pisa?

Cannellini beans

I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in

She said cheque books.

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options.

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions?

A prejudice

A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner

The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"

The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"

They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

What Sort Of Music Do Wind Turbines Like?

They're huge metal fans.

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

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I must get my dyslexia sorted out.

I bought a car off ebay last week with no reserve.


The fucking thing won't go backwards.

Trump (thanks for sorting by new)

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days - in a rare tender moment he described the first time he laid eyes on Melania, and clicked 'add to cart'

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination

He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

Godzilla is destroying a city and eating all sorts of humans.

His accomplice Bobzilla shows up with Charlie Brown, Lucy, Schroeder, and Snoopy, offering them to Godzilla..
He quickly says no.
“Bobzilla, you know I have a peanut allergy!”

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent?

A Nun-Disclosure Agreement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable?

A Radish

What sort of shoes to ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

There are only 10 sorts of people in the world

— those who understand binary and those who don’t.

What do you call a rock band that makes songs about sorting?

OC/DC

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We were in court sorting out the finances in our divorce settlement.

The magistrate looks up and says "you have put down in your expenditure £1000 a month for scat sex with madame swish."

I replied "if I'm gonna have a woman shit on me every month I want to know I'm getting value for money."

What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology.

So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

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