What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband, typically non-romantic replied: “I am on the toilet, please advise.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

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I had a conversation with someone online. It sort of went well

Me: I hate my fucking life!

Stranger: No you don’t, you hate it at the moment

Me: I’m 22, work in a fast food restaurant, and I’ll never get a better job. And if I tell my boss, he’ll cut my already shit pay because he’s a cheap bastard

Stranger: That’s illegal

Me: And my...

When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

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If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make?

Crap

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

What sort of jeans does Mario wear?

Denim Denim Denim.

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

Three engineers are discussing what sort of god designed the human body.

The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"

The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"

The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run...

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

Describe the glass to see what sort of person you are.

**Optimist:** The glass is half full
**Pessimist:** The glass is half empty
**Scientist:** The glass contains 125 ml of H2O, and 125 ml of air
**Engineer:** The glass is engineered for an additional 100% increase in water... maybe get a bigger glass, just to be safe
**Manager:** ...

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

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It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

So I'm 30 and Charlotte is 21. Went out last night and we kept getting funny looks like I was some sort of peadophile. Does anyone else think that age is just a number?

It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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Superman does Wonder Woman (sort of)

Superman is flying over Metropolis and he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on the rooftop of a very tall skyscraper and she is squirming around all sexy on the deckchair. Superman has always had a thing for her and this is just a waaay too much. He decides that because he has special powe...

What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

There are only 10 sorts of people in the world

— those who understand binary and those who don’t.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable?

A Radish

a sort algorithm walks into a bar

he orders anything

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

My friend went camping in the Serengeti with all sorts of lions roaming around

It was in tents

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of h...

What sort of cereal does Thor eat?

Loki Charms.

What sort of drug does a duck use?

Quack cocaine

Why can't you make something that's sort of like a macaron but not really?

Because then it'd just be macaroni

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

What sort of shoes to ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

Doing a 2-minute standup performance of some sort in a tech press conference in a few hours and am in desperate need for some material.

Jokes about computers, programming, cellphones, or what have you. So long as it's brief, appropriate to the theme (technology), and in good taste. I'll be very grateful for all the input. Please, I have no skill in joke-writing, but am decent at public speaking, I just need to borrow good some mater...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

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Alien sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subjec...

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

Guy pulled up the bar in a brand new Cadillac.

He gets out, walks inside, pulls out a rolls of twenties and starts buying everybody drinks. The weird part was is he had a head the size of a grapefruit.

The bartender stirs up a conversation and says “he man, not to be rude but I have to ask... what’s with your tiny head?”

The man s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...