It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

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Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

I've started to wonder why the UK doesn't just pick a random kid from Eton to sort out Brexit

..I mean, he's going to have to do it eventually

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(Long) (sort of NSFW) 1 hole behind

A man is trying out golf for the first time. He eventually loses track of where he is, so he asks a girl. The girl responds saying “ I am on hole 9, you are on 8. You are one hole behind me.” He thanks her and plays again. Once more, he loses track and asks the girl. The girl responds and says “ I a...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

Hello there people who sort by new!

A young boy was digging a fairly large hole in his backyard when his neighbour saw him. The neighbour walked to the fence and asked,

Neighbour: Why are you digging a hole in your backyard?

The young boy: Im digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish.

Neighbour: Then why are you dig...

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

What Sort Of Music Do Wind Turbines Like?

They're huge metal fans.

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

When I found out my girlfriend got pregnant I started thinking about all sorts of names.

I chose Juan Carlos and thought of running to Mexico.

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

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If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make?

Crap

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

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I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

What sort of jeans does Mario wear?

Denim Denim Denim.

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

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It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

So I'm 30 and Charlotte is 21. Went out last night and we kept getting funny looks like I was some sort of peadophile. Does anyone else think that age is just a number?

It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

There are only 10 sorts of people in the world

— those who understand binary and those who don’t.

What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable?

A Radish

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

a sort algorithm walks into a bar

he orders anything

What sort of drug does a duck use?

Quack cocaine

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

My friend went camping in the Serengeti with all sorts of lions roaming around

It was in tents

Why can't you make something that's sort of like a macaron but not really?

Because then it'd just be macaroni

What sort of cereal does Thor eat?

Loki Charms.

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

What sort of shoes to ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

Doing a 2-minute standup performance of some sort in a tech press conference in a few hours and am in desperate need for some material.

Jokes about computers, programming, cellphones, or what have you. So long as it's brief, appropriate to the theme (technology), and in good taste. I'll be very grateful for all the input. Please, I have no skill in joke-writing, but am decent at public speaking, I just need to borrow good some mater...

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A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.

A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I apologize miss...

Is my wife a pervert?

So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

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