UPJOKE
everforeverneverinvariablyconstantlyperpetuallyveryeverythinggoodnotevensometimesstillanytimeyet

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

My grandfather always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Great guy.

Terrible carpenter.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

My wife is always insulting me about my lack of direction…

So I packed up my belongings and right.

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?

So just in case they go overboard they can wash up on shore!

Arrrrgh

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I always insist that my dates do anal.

At first they are disgusted by the idea, but once they get used to wearing the strap-on they're fine.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

Why do they always evacuate the women, and children first when there is a disaster?

Just so the men can have a moment of peace and silence

Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

Amber will always remember this as

The day she almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow

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My wife always cheats when shes dieting

She hides chocolate bars around the house and fucks other men...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

My friends and I always laugh about how bloody competitive we are...

I laugh the most

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It's always weird when you're in the room with two people you've fucked.

Adds to the family reunion drama, though.

What kind of bun always goes to hell?

A cinnabun!

Growing up, I always though I was chandler. Now that I have an Appartment I know

that I'm actually ugly naked guy.

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

I always thought "Don't mess with Texas" was a statement.

Turns out it's just a plea.

Always remember — you’re unique.

Just like everyone else.

As a comedian, I always want to hear laughs

except when I'm alone.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

Why are Italians always locked out of their houses when they get home?

Gnocchi

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Why are the Sheep always booed out of the comedy club?

Their jokes are baaaaad.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

You know who’s always a yes man?

Roger

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine, so I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now...

She’s sangria then ever!

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

I've always heard "if you live by the sword, you die by the sword."

I'm sure glad my parents said I'll "live up to nothing" !

I can always tell a person if they are lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing or sitting.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

Who always thinks one step ahead?

A carpenter who is making stairs

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Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you...

"school" is my answer

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk;

But I never got the chants.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

People always call me a walking dictionary

I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

I don’t get how deep-sea fish always look so chill

They are always under so much pressure..

Why do people with foot fetishes always want to lose?

Because they want defeat.

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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What do you call a guy who always leaves after having sex?

A bye-sexual

Putin always wanted Finland and Sweden to be part of Russia

Well now they are Russian to get into NATO

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I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...

But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.

What kind of paper is always thirsty?

Parchment

A brother asks his sister why does she always have money but he doesn't?

The sister replies,"That's because I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend."

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

Ever since I became the new produce inspector I've been visiting local grocers and supermarkets; but they're always surprised to see me.

It seems nobody expects the spinach inquisition

remember : you will always be someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

Before I met my wife I always felt incomplete

Now I’m finished

As a white person, I've always wanted to wear a durag.

I would, but I wouldn't want to make waves...

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

Why is 10 always living in fear?

Because it is smack bang in the middle of 9/11

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I always wondered why my wife brings me cake when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

There a man in the Soviet Union who always complained about the constant shortages

One day the KGB went to the apartment he lived and arrested him. The occupant of the apartment knew that he was gonna die so they didn't make a fuss out of it. But after a week much to the apartment's occupant surprise, the man returned relatively unharmed except for some bruises so the occupant ask...

Dad always says when one door closes another will open.

He never could figure out carpentry

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

As my Grandfather always said....

the day I can't come into to work drunk, is the day I hand in my gun and badge.

What Olympic sport will Ukrainians always beat Russian in?

The javelin thrown.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

..I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me before he died,

“You holding the ladder?”

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

Why does the nun always wear her uniform?

It's a good habit

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

Why are men always suspicious in the morning

Because you just know when they open their eyes, something is up.

Why should you always melt chocolate over boiling water?

Because if you try and melt it under boiling water, you’ll die.

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

My friend struggles a lot with always writing his n's upside-down.

I told him "That sounds like a u problem."

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The grass is always greener on the other side,

that's just fertilized with bullshit.

I always make sure to knock on the fridge before opening

Just in case there is a salad dressing

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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When people at work ask me, "What's up?!", I always reply naturally, with... "Same shit, different day!".

They always seem delighted, but I'm sittin' over here with one pair of underwear and a clothes washer that doesn't work!

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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Why should you always use protection when having phone sex?

So that you don't end up with hearing AIDS

Why are the lights always low in a Chinese restaurant?

Because they dim-sum.

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What kind of mushrooms always gossip about you behind your back?

Shit-talk-y mushrooms!

Why does the tortilla chip always beat the potato chip in a debate?

The tortilla chip has a point.

I’ve always loved farming, and farmers are some of the most loving people.

There has always been an innate desire in me, and I believe in all humans, to begin farming at some level. From being outside to doing labor where your mind can wander into different places, I love it.

I have never considered myself a big animal person, but I’ve fallen in love with horses, s...

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Why am I always horny in my Chinese (Mandarin) class?

Because I have to count the strokes..

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

Why is Santa always happy?

He knows where all bad girls are living.

I always give my seat to blind or pregnant people

Guess I won't be piloting again any time soon

Yo mama jokes will always remain a classic.

Yo mama so fat, it takes a substation transformer to power her defibrillator.

LPT: Always go to the bathroom before you stand in a long line

It's the P before Q rule.

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

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Italians have always copied good inventions from other cultures and made them exceptional

Beretta took Walthers's designs and made them sexy

They discovered noodles from china, removed the dog, and created pasta

They stole the idea of arches from the Etruscans and built colosseums and aqueducts

They took the gladius from celt-iberians and conquered the world with it<...

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

Whats always on the ground but can't be picked up?

My will to live

Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter

....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays

My grandpa always said "Shoot for the stars"...

...too bad he's in jail now for trying to shoot Justin Bieber

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

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my friends are always asking me if I had to sex with one animal ...

... which one would it be?

And I always have to say "a horse" ... because that way you have a ride home afterward.

\- Dave Attell

I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party.

It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

Why do I always get a headache when I eat the wheat I grew?

Because it's my grain

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What can humble any man in the world without it, but when in possession is always treated like crap?

A roll of toilet paper...

Modern cars are always bloated with unnecessary add ons

I mean, who needs turn signals on a BMW.

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

Everyone always talks about what a genius Albert Einstein was.

They never mention what a monster his brother Frank was.

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It was always important to Jim that he care for his bod so he lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. He decided he had to do something about it.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

A bi...

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

My grandpa always told me slow and steady wins the race…

He died in the fire.

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I was asked if I prefer breasts or thighs. I told 'em I always go for the personality.

The butcher was confused.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

It's a little known fact that the inuit people always know when someone is willing to kiss.

They have a good nose for it.

You know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas.

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Why do cats always show their buttholes??

Theyre more assholes than pussies....

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

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