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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

i always cried when dad chopped onions

Onions was a good dog

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Iberia.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

My grandpop always used to say "The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more"...

...great man. Terrible anesthesiologist.

Why do nurses always carry a red pen with them ?

In case they need to draw blood.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night

She's my worst night mare

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

Why are pot smokers always asking "What?"

They're doobie-ous.

My wife said "I'm leaving you because your always pretending to be a transformer."

I said "no, wait! I can change."

I can always tell if someone is lying, just by looking at them....

I can also tell if they're sitting or standing .

My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

Do you know why women and children are always evacuated first in any emergency situation?

So that all the men can think and come up with a solution in peace and quiet.

Source: my dad (to me on International Women's Day)

Why do koi fish always travel in groups of 4?

So the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi can escape, because they know the predator will always go after the D koi.

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

I always ask people what their bad tattoo means

It usually means I’m about to get beat up

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

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I always wondered how people evolved from plain vanilla sex to extreme.

No more wondering - I've found the missing kink.

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

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Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground?

They have unfinished business.

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!

I always hesitate before stepping on an escalator.

It's either up to something or it's going to let me down.

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

I'll always remeber the town where JFK was shot...

because it was dallast one he visited.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

My hair is always really messy, and I can never get organized.

I asked me friend today ''hey Jess, how do you get your hair like that?'' and she told me it's natural.


I wish that I had Jessie's curl

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

Why are farmers always the best husbands?

They always produce the best seeds.

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He doesn't expect to be paid back.

Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man

It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper.

It's my job to talk them down.

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

They always say „it’s not the cough that carries you off“

It’s the coffin they Carrie you off in.

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I always wondered why The Muppets had such large and wide open eyes.

I then realised that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

What do you call a vegetable that always bully you?

A BEATroot

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Why was the tiny ball always agitated?

It was a little teste.

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

When I was growing up my Mum always use to wash my hair in lager

It wasn't until many years later that I realized I had been fostered......

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Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank?

Because people are paid to come.
Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmade
But Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.

Spelling bees always confuse me.

My word was "knot"

I asked if it was "not" spelled with a "K"

My teacher said "Yes it's knot spelled with a k"

I ended up losing

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Why do bakers always go to heaven?

Because the cake is the best way to get karma.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

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Why is it always good to have a chronic masturbator around?

Because they come in handy.

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Some Sundays can be sad but the day before is always a sadder day.

Saturday!

No matter where I go, I always bring my ukulele

So if anyone asks if I play an instrument, I tell them I play a little guitar.

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When i have a martini shaken not stirred, i always add a viagra

It might not make me Daniel Craig, but it will make me Roger more.

They say love is always the answer...

...but apparently not when you're taking a maths exam!

Why are rainbows always happy?

Because they just got out of prism.

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

People always freak out when I show them I have 6 fingers in one hand

I'm starting to think it's because they're not mine.

Do you know what always catches my eye?

... Short people with umbrellas!

As the man of the house, I always have the last word.

"Yes, dear"

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

I always wondered where those little cans of soda came from until I carefully read the writing on one...

...it said, "Made in Halfcanistan"

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Always have a sadistic person light your grill

After all, they're literally pro-pain...

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

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The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off

Now jerks on the other hand...

I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans.

Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.

My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

My grandma always told me « anything you do, should be done one leg after another »,

she never wanted to admit she just suck at hopscotch.

Why does the communist economy always fail?

Because they cease the means of production.

Why do Chicken Coops always have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4, they would be a Chicken Sedan.

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

Why do Americans always come first for shooting in the Olympic?

They’ve trained in the best schools

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During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

Wife is Always Lucky

Woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me thro...

They always say pants from France are too tight....

....I'm not sure why. I always find French pants Toulouse.

Coworker: Why do bad guys always wear suspenders?

Me: So they don't get caught with their pants down.

(This happened a couple days ago, I was pretty proud. He legitimately was just asking the question)

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One day a wife got angry with her husband always complaining about her extravagant spending of money and stopped talking to him.

The husband next day came home and said, " I got a tattoo for you."
"What kind of tattoo and where is it?" she asked.
"It is a $100 bill tattooed on my penis, " he replied.
"Why the hell did you get it there?" she asked.
He said , "Because I know how much you like to blow money."

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

What animal is always hungry, and laughing?

A high-ena

As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me...

...than a frontal lobotomy.

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The always makes me laugh

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." ...

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My wife always wants to talk after the sex

Last friday, she called from a hotel

I’ve always wanted a motorcycle

My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise.

Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

**I guess we are raised differently :/**

I always ask a funny question on first dates.

"Are you a serial killer? "

Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.

What state is always surprised to see you?

Ohio

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This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

Why should you always bring your own cup to a spy's tea party?

Their cups are always chipped.

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I'd always heard how men pee on shit stains to make them go away

But that only made my boss call the cops on me.

My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.

Homeschooling for us was fun though

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

I had a buddy in college who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try.

He was the original trip advisor.

Why do Italian boys always have mustaches?

Because they want to be just like there mothers when they grow up.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

“half the times we go somewhere with you we always ends up getting lost” sayed I,

“don't worry; i know these roads like i know the back of my hands” replied one-hand dave.

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Why do we always see lightning before the thunder noise comes?

Our eyes are at the front of our head.

My wife always said I have the body of a God

Shame it’s Buddha

What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing?

Ham me downs

My dad always used to tell me "there's never a wrong time to speak your mind"

Admirable man.

Terrible mime.

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

I’ll always remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

“Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

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Why should you always keep a chronic masturbater nearby?

He comes in handy.

Arguing with my ultra conservative father always went the same way - Me: I thought ...

Him: That was your first problem.

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.

Why scuba divers always flip backwards when jumping from boat in water?

Because if they flip forward they would still be in boat.

People always ask me why I celebrate 420 a second time at april 22nd

I just thought, 422 is 420 too

My girlfriend asked me why im always so quiet.

Well, no one plans a murderer out loud.

Why is 10 always scared?

Because he's always in the middle of 9/11

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’

That was, until the accident.

Do you know about the female cow that always messed up?

Her name was miss steak

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

My dad always used to say that “The man gets the last word in a conversation always.”

“Yes ma’am.”

It ain’t always easy having erectile dysfunction

but it sure as hell ain’t hard

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

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Why was Uranus always mad?

Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes

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I am a very passive agressive person. I always abuse in passive voice. For instance...

"Your ass will be kicked by me."

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he *neverlands*

I'm a consultant and I had this odd client who wanted me to always greet him with "Hi!"

Turned out he was allergic to "Hey".

My dad always told me to live in the place where I felt the most alive.

So I moved into a graveyard.

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle.

I've always wanted to be a cowboy, as far back as I can remember.

What year did Brokeback Mountain come out?

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

No matter where you go, you will always find three things...

Food, music, and incompetent people who think they’re very good.

I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods...

...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery.

Two guys meet each other in the middle of the street. One of them asks the other: "hey, aren't you the guy who always gets mistaken for someone else?

The other guy replies: "no"

Why does the mushroom always get invited to parties?

Because he’s a fungi!

You should always upvote a joke about Peter Pan, even if you have heard it before.

It never gets old.

Used to know this guy who always tried to draw attention to the fact he was half-horse.

Never could stop being the centaur of attention.

I always wanted to be a marine sniper!

... But I know it's a long shot.

I don’t always finish my sentences…

But when I do,

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

My dad hates your dad. So why are they always out in the garage drinking?

Because we're brothers

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

Which Hollywood cowboy could always start a campfire?

Flint Eastwood

I always hated weddings because.....

the older guests would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat what ever bugs them.

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

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