A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Nothing annoys me more than people who don’t know how to walk in crowded places like the mall.

Their wheelchairs always get in the way.

Why is 10 always afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person.

People always told me I would suck at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who sucks now!

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Why does the mushroom always get invited to the party?

Because he's a fungi!

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

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Why are uncircumcised guys always horny?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

My grandpa always said "As one door closes another opens."

He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker.

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

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I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great

Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.

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My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt

I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt

Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first?

Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2

My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.

My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.

I guess....we are raised differently.

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm...

it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

People always say there is nothing new on r/jokes but hundreds of new jokes go on every day!

Fortunately I’m not one of them, I’ve been here for an entire year!

Why should you always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it?

There might be a salad dressing.

What do you call a big dog who's always alert?

Awarewolf

They say to always to expect the unexpected

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

But I never got the chants!

A nurse asked me recently, “Are you always this pale?”

I told him, “Only on caucasian.”

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A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

People always say I have no friends, but that’s not true.

Every girl I’ve asked out wants to be friends.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

Why do divers always fall out of the boat backwards?

Because if they fell forwards, they would fall into the boat.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “

“Ok, ask away” God said.

“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.

“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.

The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat what ever bugs them!

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

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My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

My favorite position has always been doggystyle.

Now I just have to train the dog to stop barking.

To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

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My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.

That’s how small my cock really is.

People ask my why I’m always at the carnival.

That’s a fair question...

What do you call a dinosaur that's always in a hurry?

A pronto-saurus.

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One form of art always turns into pure crap...

Culinary art.

I always remind my teenagers to shave their pubes

The last time we had a bush, 9/11 happened

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The invisible man.

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I may not always agree with masturbation...

But hey, you do you.

When my Spanish friends leave town, I always tell them "mucho."

It's just a small thing, but it means a lot to them.

Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?

because they dilate

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Why are Goalkeepers always doing laundry?

They love having clean sheets

Everyone is always saying school starts next week.

School has been around for years. Idiots.

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

Why is Peter Pan always flying

He Neverlands

Why are microbiologists always so happy?

Because they look at the little things in life

My wife always complains that I have zero sense of empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

Honey why do you always stand by the window when I sing?

It's so the neighbours don't think I am beating you.

Why do people with a foot fetish always lose?

They like to taste dafeet

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole.

Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

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Whenever I see a hearse, I am always proud of the deceased.

Despite their current situation, they are slowly moving forward.

Why is God’s house always cold?

Because he can’t close a door without opening a window.

Why do white girls always walk in pairs of threes?

Because they literally can't even.

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Justice should always be served cold

Because if served warm it'll be justwater instead.

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"

With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ....

My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

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My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

People have always called me a Crackpot Doctor

But I firmly believe in the Scientific Meth-head

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

My 5 year old son Dexter just found out that there's a show called "Dexter". Time to have that talk I've always dreaded...

"Son, don't watch the last two season."

If you call a girl fat, she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

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I used to always say that size doesn’t matter.

But when I learned that my wife had a small penis it changed my mind

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My mum keeps saying I’m always loosing my things

She was wrong I’ll never lose my virginity!

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

What word is always pronounced wrong?

Wrong.

Even I was very young, I knew I wanted to be a cardiologist. It's always been the only thing I ever wanted to do.

It's like I was born with blood in my veins

When I come to work, I always hide...

Because a good employee is hard to find!

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My mum always told me to lock the doors or else robbers are going to take away everything I have.

Guess who'll lose his virginity tonight.

I'm always shocked when people call me condescending.

Because that's a very big word.

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

I've always loved hearing the word tinnitus

It just has such a nice ring to it

I always follow what my dad says to my other dad

Another mans junk is another mans treasure

After a soundcheck there’s always a guy in a tree in Mexico.

Juan, to tree! Juan, to tree!

A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

I’ve always been told I had no friends

The 12 voices in my head disagree

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

One company owner asks another: “Hey Bill how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces”

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My girlfriend always smokes after sex

So we started using lubricant.

-Jimmy Carr

Why are thots always thick?

Because they're always a mouthful.

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

Why was "ten" always scared?

Because he was in the middle of 9-11

I always have that dream being in a fake taxi with Charlie Brown.

It's driving me nuts.

I always make jokes about everything, but I won't make a joke about fat people...

...because an elephant never forgets.

Baby boomers are always talking about the things they miss that millenials are taking away from them.

You know what we'll miss when we're old? Trees.

I wasn't always a Flat Earther. In fact, I used to believe the Earth was round...

...until your mom sat on it.

Why are fence repairmen always single?

You get no love as a reposter.

Why do dog always run up to the door when the doorbell rings?

I mean really, it's almost never for them.

I always feel like I’m the smartest person in the room

I’m very lonely :(

Every 12 hour shift I work, I always give 110%

ten percent the first hour. ten percent the second hour. maybe take a nap. ten percent the fourth hour. ect...

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

Why does Waldo always wear stripes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Why was King Arthur always happy?

He Camelot.

Always treat your date like your mother

Me: “ Can i have 20 $ “

I always presume that sports fans are sane and rational people, that is until they go streaking across the field

Then I see their nuts

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS :)

Organs are extremely expensive in the black market. :)

I Always Wondered what my Parents did before the Internet...

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW...Why is there always a cock on a weathervane

If there was a cunt the wind would whistle right through it.

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always laughs during sex

No matter what she’s reading

Why did the Ancient Egyptians always make it to school on time?

Because they had Anubis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So you know what always gives me butterflies?

Caterpillars.

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We adopted this dog. She's a kinda mean. Always growling at people. We named her Payback.

And Payback can be a real bitch.

My father always tells me to work hard,

But last time I did that I got fired from the daycare.

Two women are talking. First woman: my new beau is such a gentleman, he is always calling me ‘fair lady’

Second woman: that’s only because he’s a bus driver!

My friend is always the smartest person in the room.

Mainly because he has bad taste in rooms.

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

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