UPJOKE
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Always Jokes

Bud light has always been trans...

It's water that identifies as beer.
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Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.
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My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,

Why is 10 always afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11
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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
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Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.
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James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs
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I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question
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Alcohol is not always the answer…

…but it’s worth a shot.
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Why is Santa always smiling?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.
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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them
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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan.

So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you...

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

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As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.
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I always tell the punchline first.

Why am I so bad at telling jokes?
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I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!
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The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her.

So it makes sense that they’ve been given to Prince Andrew.
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...
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Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.
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Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf
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As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man
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My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.
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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing
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Why are ghosts always drunk?

They’re full of booooooos.
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Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.
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My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...
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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"
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I always play Jenga on a first date,

that way she knows how strong my pull out game is

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away
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Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
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People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!


Bu...
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If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?
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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
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My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
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When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born
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My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.
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My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.
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Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.
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A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...
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What’s always a useful comment when someone pulls a knife on you?

I see your point
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Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.
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I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing
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My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child
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Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!
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My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11
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My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"
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My buddies always ask me how I can get fat girls to bed so quick.

I tell them t’s easy, just a piece of cake
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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.
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What do you call a priest who always lies?

A pathological friar.
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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
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Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...
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My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person
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Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."
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My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me
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I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
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Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

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My lack of Greek mythology knowledge has always been my...

Achilles elbow.
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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence
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My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
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I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby
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I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
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It dawned on me why teenagers are always in groups of 3 or 5

Because they can’t even
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An Idiot is always an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil starte...

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools
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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

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Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...
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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.
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In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.
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I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.
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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.
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I always wanted to try juggling...

I just never had the balls to.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
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My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm
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My wife always says we should have sex with the lights off.

If she's so keen about saving energy, why does she moan about me "just lying there"?

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever
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I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
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Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
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Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man
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People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
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Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.
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My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
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It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed
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I don't always roll a joint but when I do

It's my ankle
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Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even
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Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.
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"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"
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This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...
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A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"
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Why is Pho always served in a bowl?

Because anything less would be a Pho cup.
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I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
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What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.
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Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.
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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...
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My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...
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Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.
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My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.
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A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...
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Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream?

Reese, with her spoon.
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My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to
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I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks
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Always give 100% in everything you do!

Except when donating blood.
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

If the mantises are always praying, what is their religion?

It varies, they're all in sects.
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Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.
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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

why am I always hiding at work?

because a good worker is hard to find!
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I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
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I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.
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As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night

She always wanted a girl.
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When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends I always use the word "mucho"...

It means a lot to them.
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I was taught to always follow my dreams no matter what.

So now I just need to rescue my boss’s wooden horse from the pool that’s filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from practice.
“Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?”
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Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.
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I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
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I always go the extra mile.

Because I keep missing the exit.
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I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.
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I always wanted children when I was younger.

I could never entice them into the back of my van.
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My teachers always told me...

My teachers always told me I'd never amount to much because of how much I procrastinated, I told them "just you wait."
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Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter...

I just learned that Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs..

It's because they are Inca hoots.
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I can always tell if someone is Canadian.

I’ve got eh-dar
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On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...
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