UPJOKE
everforeverneverinvariablyconstantlyperpetuallyveryeverythinggoodnotevensometimesstillanytimeyet

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

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The joke I always think of when asked “what’s your favourite joke?”

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They’ve started pronouncing the silent ‘k’ in words. Those kniving bastards!

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

I always knock on the fridge door before opening

Just in case there is a salad dressing

When people see Superman flying they always ask "Is it a bird? Is it a plane?" Why can't they recognise him?

>! Because he's in d' skies !<

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

Why are genies always male?

Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamps never know how to rub it just right.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Always use innuendo

no matter how hard it gets

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Always pay your doctors !

So, the queen was extremely beautiful and everyone wanted to be with her . A minister who fantasised about her too often , one day met with the royal doctor and told him of his fantasy : that he wanted to fuck the queen . The doctor thought about it for a moment and said alright I’ll arrange somethi...

I’ve always dreamed of swimming in a body of water filled with soda.

Sadly it’s just a Fanta-sea.

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Why do grandmas always watch porn videos until the very end?

To see if they get married.

My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it's just what I always wanted

I'd like to thank her, but I can't find the words

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he can Neverland.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Novice pirates are always bad singers.

They can never hit the high seas.

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My mama always said life was like tissue paper

You're either on a roll. Or you're taking shit from people.

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your opinions.

But…I can see where you are coming from.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

If the mark of a great performance is always leave them wishing there was more

Then I’m great in bed

Why are solar panels always optimistic?

They always keep their sunny side up.

June 1st should always be known as the Norman Osborn Day

Because it marks the end of May.

I always mix up my sandwich and hookup apps.

All I know is I have a foot long Italian arriving soon.

A mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked

The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid i...

Why are pediatricians always so annoyed?

Because they have very little patients

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

What does a cop with Alzheimers always say at routines traffic stops,

“Do you know why I pulled you over???”

My meemaw always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely woman.

Terrible cabinet maker.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

I've always been told say no to drugs...

But I probably already said yes if I'm talking to my drugs

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said "I inherited a watering hole." Bewildered I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

In every marriage, there’s one person who is always right…

…and the other person is the husband.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

I always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He wasn't a millionaire, he just wanted to be one.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

How do eskimos always know where to find the best Seals?

They use their inuition

“Listen Son, Always Wear a Condom No Matter What”

But dad You didn’t Wear one when you had me. “And look Where that got me”

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.

His mother didn’t want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him s...

Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?

So just in case they go overboard they can wash up on shore!

Arrrrgh

God always gives you more than 1 chance...

because he enjoys seeing you fail

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

My wife is always insulting me about my lack of direction…

So I packed up my belongings and right.

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I always feel like a better person after taking a dump…

because I know I am no longer full of shit.

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You can always trust an Asexual to get a job done.

They never fuck around.

I've always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavours....

.....and furniture polish is made from real lemons ?

People always get shocked....

.... when they realise I’m not a very good electrician

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

What body part always loses in a game?

Defeat

Why is gas always in last place?

It keeps getting passed.

My Hispanic friend keep telling me that NASA always have sent chicken propelled rockets to space

Look at all the "Apollo" missions, he say

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

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My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The night f...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

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My wife always cheats when shes dieting

She hides chocolate bars around the house and fucks other men...

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

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the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast

Why do they always evacuate the women, and children first when there is a disaster?

Just so the men can have a moment of peace and silence

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

My mother always used to say ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’

She’s a lovely woman but a terrible surgeon.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Why are the Swedish always first in races?

because they're next to the finnish

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

Amber will always remember this as

The day she almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

I always knew my son was going to be irrational and illogical

His first word was "dada".

Where will you always find a Dr. inside a Maid

Madrid

Why is a stormtrooper always late for work?

Because they keep missing the bus

I always wanted to work in a factory making mirrors,

but sadly right now, I can't see myself doing it..

Why are you always watching other people play video games on Twitch son? Sounds boring.

Anyway, gotta catch the football game on TV.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

The Russian Potato Crop The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad.

The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so many potatoes! We have made a huge mountain of them, that reaches all the way up to God." the Chairman says, "Don't be silly now, you know God doesn't really exist." The managers look at eac...

My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

My dad always called his grandfather's 1967 Dodge "American Healthcare"

Because the bloody thing never worked.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

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It's always weird when you're in the room with two people you've fucked.

Adds to the family reunion drama, though.

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

It is said regarding motivation that “the first step is always the hardest”…

As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

My friends and I always laugh about how bloody competitive we are...

I laugh the most

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

I’m so sick of Millennials and their attitudes….

Always walking around like they rent the place

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

I always thought "Don't mess with Texas" was a statement.

Turns out it's just a plea.

What kind of bun always goes to hell?

A cinnabun!

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

I don't always contradict myself,

but when I do, I don't.

Why are Italians always locked out of their houses when they get home?

Gnocchi

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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at School, I had the biggest knob by far so when we were changing together, I used to run around naked with a towel hanging from there, and the kids always looked laughing.

Looking back maybe that was one of the reasons I got fired.

My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to

Growing up, I always though I was chandler. Now that I have an Appartment I know

that I'm actually ugly naked guy.

my friend told me I always focus on the least exciting parts while telling a story

I was so surprised by his words I almost took a wrong turn and screwed up our escape from the police

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

How do Chinese Cowboys greet each other?

They say, "NiHowdy!"

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

Always remember — you’re unique.

Just like everyone else.

Women!!!

If a man is alway wrong and a woman is always right, when a man tells a woman she is right is he wrong or right?

I always say if I'm not in bed by 11:00

I go home.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns?

They always fail their Constitution checks.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine, so I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now...

She’s sangria then ever!

Why are the Sheep always booed out of the comedy club?

Their jokes are baaaaad.

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

He has a nun fantasy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

\- “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers,

\- ”My son, you...

You know who’s always a yes man?

Roger

I don't trust stairs.

They are always up to something.

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I always wondered why my wife brings me cake when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

As a comedian, I always want to hear laughs

except when I'm alone.

What is a pirates favorite letter?

You think it be 'R', but a pirates first love will always be the 'C'!

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What do you call a guy who always leaves after having sex?

A bye-sexual

Why do people with foot fetishes always want to lose?

Because they want defeat.

People always call me a walking dictionary

I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

I can always tell a person if they are lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing or sitting.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk;

But I never got the chants.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

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