If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

Why is Santa always happy?

He knows where all bad girls are living.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

"School" is my answer.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

Everyone always talks about what a genius Albert Einstein was.

They never mention what a monster his brother Frank was.

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Our bands bassist was always coming in late

He just couldn't get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band. He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.

Why are bass guitarists always safe?

Because they stay out of treble.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

My maths teacher always goes off on tangents in class

They say it’s the first sine of madness

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

My grandfather always use to say,

“As one door closes another opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

This old one always makes me laugh for the reaction

Joke teller: “What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?”

Stooge: “Finding half a worm?”

Joke teller: “Well, I was going to say the holocaust, but okay”.

Why is the army always tired?

Because they have fatigues!

Why do cops always smell?

Because they're on duty!

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...

That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.

Why do rappers always buy small shoes?

'Cause they all have lil ft.

Hunting camp always has a bob....

Every morning Bob would walk over to his favorite log to drop his morning log. While doing his business, he would fall asleep, when he woke up, he would have done his business in his sleep. It was a good system.

His buddies knew his morning routine and thought it would be fun to pla...

What do you call a Spanish woman that always says yes?

Si-ñorita

Which guy does cheese always root for?

Volone. The cheese is provolone.

Why are Knights always different colors?

Because they’re always annealing.

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.

Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new “Hipster” coffee shop?

Because you were drinking it before it was cool.

Why do you think I always wear my trusty shoes?

Its because i have trust issues.

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

I’ve always wanted to visit Taiwan

Guess I have a Taipei personality

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts

They spend all day checking people out.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

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It always bothered me that my tits are small, so I bought some bees and stored them in glasses.

Now i have bee cups.

My dad always said

"don't be mad 'cause you're ugly. Be mad 'cause it'll never go away. BUT, if you're gonna be ugly, at least be funny. Because the longer they laugh, the longer they keep their eyes closed."

You know, everyone is always talking about army bases...?

why no love for army altos or army tenors?

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat what ever bugs them

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

My teacher used to always keep us in check by saying "What goes up must come down"

Great guy, bad flight instructor

Why do Americans always wear Tank Tops?

Cause of thier right to Bare Arms

My old man always used to like us kids like he used to like his coffee

grounded

Always wondered about using oak instead of silicon for breast implants

Be a lot firmer, wooden tit?

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas

I told him "I blow right through them"

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

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My mother always told me I should treat people the way I want to be treated.

but every time I do, I get charged with sexual harassment.

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

What dog breed always arrives in 2nd place?

Silver retrievers.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

Why was the dwarf who lived in the city always on time?

Because he was a metro gnome.

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Why do anti-vaxxers always make typos?

Because the Bill Gates microchip comes with auto correct

My family always prays before dinner.

If you ever tasted my wife's cooking you'd know why.

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.

A long-time rabbi has always wanted to try pork, but never seemed to find an print to do so.

One day, he finally gets a chance by boarding a plane and traveling first class to a 5- star restaurant in Florida that offers the best pork the world's had to offer.
The rabbi gets to the restaurant, orders his food, and minutes later, the waist brings out a perfect golden swine, cooked to perf...

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

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The guests in my hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

**Dirty bastards**!

Ever wonder why stores always charge $$.99

It's because charging a whole dollar amount wouldn't make cents.

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

What do you call someone who is always naysaying?

A horse.

I always have trouble picking a font

Every font I look at, I think, "Nope, this one's not my type."

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My grandad used to say: "There is always room at the top."

Great guy.

Terrible at hiding Jews, though.

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

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People always joke about having a small or a big dick. Mine is a medium.

It can talk to ghosts

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.

Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?

Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.

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On our first date, she said she always thought the dick in a box gag was funny. I figured I'd try it out a couple of dates later, but before I could even open the box, she screamed...

..."Why the fuck are you proposing so soon?!" and ran away.

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My girlfriend always cheats on her diet.

She leaves candy around the house and fucks other guys

Why do golfers always bring a spare pare of socks

Incase they get a hole in one

My wife always meets me at the front door after work in her underwear.

She's the one coming home from work.

Why are skeletons always scared?

Because they have no guts!

I have always wanted a job where I estimate crowd sizes at sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

Why is Pride always celebrated in the summer?

Pride always cometh before the fall

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Like grandma always says: if you want sympathy...

You can always find it in the dictionary between syphilis and shit.

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A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

I've always been interested by the way different cultures say farewell

I guess you could say I'm bye curious

I recently read an article about a woman in Texas unable to abort her baby with a condition called anencephaly. Anencephaly is when you are born without a brain, however the article falsely reported that the condition is always fatal.

This is fake news. Greg Abbot is one notable person born with this condition to have survived all the way to adulthood. He even holds a position as Governor of Texas.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

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What do you call a donkey who is always getting up to mischief, is tall and thin, forgot his morning coffee, is handsome and strong, smells really bad, loves country music, has one eye, and three legs?

A hanky-panky, lanky, cranky, spunky, hunky, stinky dinky, honky tonky, winky, wonky donkey!

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

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My mama always said life was like a penis

When it gets hard...fuck it

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision

It helps you reflect.

why are Homeless people always yelling?

Because they don't know how to use inside voices.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

My wife always says "size doesn't matter".

"but the taste sure does"

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

Why do babies always cry on planes?

Because they go from at no fear to atmosphere!

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

After church on Sundays, the priest always sees parishioners in private. This Sunday, Mary came to him in tears.

“What happened?” asked the priest?

“Oh father, last evening my husband died.”

“That’s terrible! Did your husband have any last wishes?”

“Yes he did.”

“What did he say?”

“I beg of you, Mary. Put down the gun!”

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

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My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

...but I never had the chants.

People always say smoking will give you diseases...

Then how come People use it to cure salmon

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

Disneyland will be opened in Chernobyl. As always, at the entrance, the visitors will be greeted by a 7-feet-tall mouse.

But this time, a real one.

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

Why do bagpipers always walk while playing the bagpipes?

They are trying to get away from all the noise.



Note: I actually really like the bagpipes.

I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

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Why do prostitutes always take things so seriously?

They always give a fuck

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Chuck Norris is always on top during sex

Because Chuck Norris never fucks up

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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

Why is Thor always showy?

Coz he doesn't like to be Loki...

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

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What do you call boobs that always try their best?

Responsibilititties

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’

**Until that accident**

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

What do you call an Irish lady who’s always out on the back deck?

Patty O’Furniture

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

What mythical creature always gets lost?

A where-wolf

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If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

Why are lumberjacks always men?

Because they're fellers.

Wife stops husband from doing what he wants

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Buddy but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the state...

I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

Been married 30 years and I always have the last words when arguing with my wife

“Yes, Honey.”

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

Every time I went to a Linkin Park concert, they always had a lot of energy.

But in the end, it doesn’t even **matter.**

Why do funerals always happen before noon?

It's the perfect time in the mourning

My neighbour always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days.

One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I shoul...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

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Gay people are really starting to piss me off

They're always like "I'm not gay" and "I think you're projecting"

Like fuck me dude

When I’m about to run out of toilet paper I always bring two new rolls to the bathroom

an heir and a spare for the throne!

Why do you always have to wear a seatbelt in an autonomous car?

In case the computer crashes.

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

Always make sure to knock on your fridge door before opening..

There is a chance there might be a salad dressing

Why does Snoop Dogg always have an umbrella on him?

Fo'Drizzle

In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

People always say "why weren't we able to predict a disaster as big as the coronavirus?"

But not everyone has 2020 vision.

Did you know unicycles are always happy to be ridden?

They never get two tired.

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I have a friend who always thinks that the waitresses we get want to have sex with him

I try and tell him that they want just the tip

I always find the plots of Stephen King novels easy to follow.

There’s always a Maine character.

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