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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

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My mama always said life was like a penis

When it gets hard...fuck it

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

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My girlfriend always freaks out over small things...

...Good thing she hasn't seen my dick yet!

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

After church on Sundays, the priest always sees parishioners in private. This Sunday, Mary came to him in tears.

“What happened?” asked the priest?

“Oh father, last evening my husband died.”

“That’s terrible! Did your husband have any last wishes?”

“Yes he did.”

“What did he say?”

“I beg of you, Mary. Put down the gun!”

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

...but I never had the chants.

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

There was a firefighter who always recited a poetry verse before extinguishing a blaze.

He was a real prose before hose kinda guy.

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

Why do bagpipers always walk while playing the bagpipes?

They are trying to get away from all the noise.



Note: I actually really like the bagpipes.

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

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What do you call boobs that always try their best?

Responsibilititties

Why are lumberjacks always men?

Because they're fellers.

Why do funerals always happen before noon?

It's the perfect time in the mourning

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’

**Until that accident**

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Why do prostitutes always take things so seriously?

They always give a fuck

I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

What do you call an Irish lady who’s always out on the back deck?

Patty O’Furniture

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

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If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

Been married 30 years and I always have the last words when arguing with my wife

“Yes, Honey.”

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

Why does Snoop Dogg always have an umbrella on him?

Fo'Drizzle

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Chuck Norris is always on top during sex

Because Chuck Norris never fucks up

Always make sure to knock on your fridge door before opening..

There is a chance there might be a salad dressing

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

My neighbour always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days.

One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I shoul...

What mythical creature always gets lost?

A where-wolf

Why is Thor always showy?

Coz he doesn't like to be Loki...

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

Did you know unicycles are always happy to be ridden?

They never get two tired.

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

People always tell me not to make blind people jokes

But how would they see it coming?

Why do you always have to wear a seatbelt in an autonomous car?

In case the computer crashes.

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They say it's always better to have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral.

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So I don’t know why but every time we watch a movie starring Chris Pratt my girlfriend always goes into the bathroom for a very long time

I don’t really mind and I don’t really care because that just gives me more time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

I always find the plots of Stephen King novels easy to follow.

There’s always a Maine character.

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

Jokes about Atlas are always so great

They hold up really well

In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

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I have a friend who always thinks that the waitresses we get want to have sex with him

I try and tell him that they want just the tip

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

I’ve always been told that you shouldn’t tell jokes at other people’s expense.

Which makes me question the ethics of charging people to watch stand up comedy.

People always say "why weren't we able to predict a disaster as big as the coronavirus?"

But not everyone has 2020 vision.

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

Why does BBQ sauce always win the race?

Because the other competitors are always plain Ketchup!

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

My Grandfather always said, "As one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Why are women always so angry?

I forgot my girlfriend's birthday once and neither she nor my wife are talking to me now!

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays?

Me: It’s my weekend immune system.

I always wanted my life to be a meme

Dead within a week

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What do you call a partner that's always there for you when you're down, but also extremely horny?

A cum-forter

I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.

I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them ri...

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

People always ask me how I know so many Dad jokes.

Well it's because I keep them in a Dad-a-base.

Happy Father's Day!

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People always say, "I love you to the moon and back."

That's not really that far. The moon is only 238,900 miles away.
Uranus, on the other hand, is 1.7 billion miles away.

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

I was always told “you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself”

I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication

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What did the man who always masturbates at the end of his 9 to 5 shift say to the friend throwing a party at 5:30?

"I'll be there after I get off."

My sister always said the best way to a mans heart is through his stomach.

Great lady.

Terrible surgeon.

I always feel bad using a new toothpaste

In front of my extra sensitive one.

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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them

so when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake








just so he could teach himself CPR

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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OJ: I always wanted to be castrated...

But I don't think I have the balls to go through with it




*I think this is an original joke, as I just thought of it*

I've learned to always forgive and forget.

Anyway, I'm not a loan officer anymore.

Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with the Chinese cooking?

So she'd never wok alone.

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

Past, Present, and Future always walks into a bar together.

And every time it was tense.

What do you call the god from Asgard that is always sneaky?

Low-key

What do you call a piece of old farm equipment that's always criticizing you?

Detractor.

I ALWAYS wanted to be

a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

My friends always ask me why I always stay invisible on Discord

I just reply that I love my GF and I always wanna be like her.

Men will always be more agreeable to the fact...

That having 3 legs is better than 2.

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show...

Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

Why does spiderman always have the best comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability!

As a Final Fantasy fan, I always wondered why Big Bang Theory only ever referenced the Third Level Spell.

They never even mention Bazin and Bazinra.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

I always remember my dads last words

"HIT THE BRAKES SON!!!!"

Why should you always wear a belt in Ukraine?

Because otherwise Chernobyl fallout.

I always admired my grandfather. He had the heart of a lion and the brain of a eagle.

He also had a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

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I always send an invoice along with my dickpics

Us content creators can't survive on exposure alone.

After major accidents with lots of preventable injuries, there’s always a wave of lawsuits.

The sue-nami.

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?

Husband: How can I ?
I don't even know her.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Why do Pirates always win boxing matches?

They have a killer hook.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Why were the Soviets always on time

Cuz they’re rushin’

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I always thought Friar Tuck was a religious man.

Now I realise the dirty bastard just likes spoonerisms.

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

Which Disney Princess is always on dating apps?

Tinderella.

I always worry when a women sees me naked for the first time..

She's going to scream and run out of the park...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Have you heard of that rapper who always complains about being single on Reddit?

I think his name was... Post-Alone?

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

Why do baby calzones always look so weird?

Because they're in bread.

Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

What do golfers always do if they have a country club membership?

Clubbing

I'll tell you what always catches my eye.

Short people with umbrellas.

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

I always give up my seat to blind people on the bus

Anyways today I lost my job as a bus driver

My grandad always said “be upfront with people”

Great man.

Terrible goalkeeper.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

I don’t always enjoy jokes about cocaine.

But some one liners make me snort.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerful...

Always pray in English...

Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."

10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to...

My daughter says that i’m always trying to 1-up her

I like to think of it more as 2-up

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

My Grandfather is always going on about how in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

That's probably why his submarine sank.

Why did Waldo always wear stripes?

He hated being spotted.

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I am always a Gentleman.

I always open doors for a Ladies.

I was holding a door open for a young lady

Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.

"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."

Always read the package insert

"Doc, the suppository you prescribed... they really stuck to my gum and teeth".

"What? You didn't swallow them, did you?"

"Of course I did, what else was I supposed to do with them, shove 'em up my ass?"

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Always have good insurance.

Me: Hey, I'm drunk and I just fell in the water.

Them: Sir, this is AAA, not AA...

Me: I know. I'm just telling you why my car is in the river.

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I always tell my customers to go fuck themselves!

I'm a sex toys sales person.

What kind of birds always stick together?

Vel-Crows!!!!

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

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