The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.


Edit: Wow this really exploded. I know you guys hate this but... thanks for silver!

Edit 2: And now gold? Wow...

Edit 3: Platinum? You guys are insane :)

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

​

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Why is Dwarven music always so gloomy?

Everything is written in a miner key.

A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “

“Ok, ask away” God said.

“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.

“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.

The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”

The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh.

If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.......

I love this joke because it never grows old...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot

Then why did the plane crash?

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

I don't always tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

Why is 16 always full?

Because it 8 and 8.

I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.

It’s soda pressing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Things don't always turn out the way you think they will.

I always expected my mum to catch ME masturbating.

Why do Germans always have a tiny living room?

They tried and failed to expand it before.

People always ask me what’s the best pastry

I tell them it’s quiche but with a special ingredient and it’s best at a certain time of the year but they never believe me

No one expects the Spinach in Quiche Season

Why is Donald Trump always in the comments?

Because the real joke is always in the comments.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

​

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

​

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drin...

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

William always wanted to be a bouncer...

He trained and trained ever since he was a teenager: lifting weights, getting bigger and stronger.

Mere days after his 21st birthday, a sign appeared at the local bar “Bouncer wanted.” What luck! At this point William looked the part the part and more. His training had paid dividends in a big...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

Why are scarecrows always the best at their jobs?

They're outstanding in their field

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Flat-Earthers always change what they say about the Flat Earth for their convenience. Luckily there aren't any other groups that do that.

Thank God.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are elevators always angry?

Because everyone keeps pushing their buttons.

Why are priests always super fit?

They exorcise a lot.

Optometrists always live long lives

It's because they dilate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?

Because otherwise, it’s ***FUCKING RAW!!!***

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dear mother told me to always wear a condom

Because she new the only girls that would ever sleep with me were dirty whores.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

I always dreamed of being a comedian.

But everyone laughed at me.

Do you know why golf players always wear 2 pants?

In case that they get a hole in one

Why is it good to always go out to eat?

Cooking at home is counterproductive.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

My father always told me that I could get married once I left school.

I didn't get the reasoning, but I scheduled my wedding for 3pm just to be sure.

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

What do you call a bull that is always felling sleepy?

A bulldozer.

My uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did a lot of drugs

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

Talking about a one-dimensional space isn't always productive

But it's usually not pointless

My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

Why are French cats always do cheerful?

Because they're always saying, "Le mao"

You know how birds fly in V-formation and one side always looks longer? You know why that is?

More birds on that side.

Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, It could have been worse. To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hop...

Things are not always appear

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except ...

I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

Why is the German writer always starving?

Because he is paid by the word.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

Rich people used to always have cars

And poor people used to have horses now poor people have cars and rich people have horses. The stables have turned.

Whatever You do Always Give 100 %

Unless You're Donating Blood

My girlfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh harder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my girlfriend and I have sex, she always smokes afterwards

I think next time we’ll try it with some lube

My friend used to always flex on me

He is now a registered flex offender

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

Why are unvaccinated kids always crying?

They're having a midlife crisis

People always ask why my trips to the salon are so quick.

I take the shortcut.

It seems like timers are always ticked off.

To be fair they are constantly getting wound up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words.

“Hey! Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's one thing that will always give you butterflies no matter what?

Caterpillars

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People always support girls when they are on their period but when I have a boner

I am kicked out of the kindergarten

I’m always on the lookout for confirmation bias.

I see it everywhere I go.

Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

I always listen to mumble rap when I’m studying.

It’s a constant reminder on why it is important to get educated.

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

My friends are always doing cocaine but I keep telling them I don't want any

I just like to smell it sometimes

People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him...

And sure enough he was eaten by his favorite lion yesterday!

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

No matter where I eat, or what I order, they always cook me a sirloin.

I said to the apologetic waiter, "It's OK, everyone makes me steaks"

Why do dice always prefer to be in twos?

Because it's a pair a' dice.

My mom always told me I was special.

But she never told me who Ed was.

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

[Spoilers] Captain America could always

Lift mjolnir, he just didn’t want to steal Thor’s thunder.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing..

The urge to start singing the popular song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away

A-whim-away

A-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I'm sitting on the toilet and it's taking a while, I always tell myself

Hurry up, I got other shit to get done

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

I always schedule my appointments at 9:11..

.. so I never forget.

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

You can always tell when you are getting a hand job from M. Night Shyamalan...

Because theres always a twist before the end

Why does Kurt Cobain always sit in front?

Cause he calls shotgun.

Why McDonald's will always be popular with the ladies.

It's got the big D.

My wife and kids always look through the window all sad and angry when it rains

Maybe I should let them in

I can always find the mothers and fathers in a public event

because it's apparent

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said that all good looking guys are always gay

That's why I am so straight

Why do doctors always tell me to take half a dose?

Isn't that just an 'uno'?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 10 years maried couple have always sex in pitch dark...

One night the wife is enough of her husband's stupid rule so while doing it she open the light.

She sees he's using a huge strap on.

He said :" ok I'll explain that but first you tell me for "our" two kids"...

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

Why are men always wrong and women always right?

Because men have a 'Y' chromosome and women have a 'because I said so' chromosome.

When I was younger, my mother always used to tuck me in.

I think she secretly wanted a girl

My friends always ask why i never buy velcro.

It's a total rip-off.

How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives

Sorry

Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

Do you know how PC gamers always can beat console players if they play against each other?

They press the Win-key.

Why does Cristiano Ronaldo always cleans his house?

becuz he can't stand it looking Messi.

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...

​

So that he could teach himself CPR

​

Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Why do the shoes always lose?!

.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
Because of defeat!

Why are pediatricians always in a rush?

They have little patients.

The best way to always remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once

I play many board games with my girlfriend. But she always wins the board games.

she has monopoly

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.