Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

Old man driving

An old man is driving on the Interstate.
His wife calls on the phone and says, “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news that a car is driving the wrong direction in the highway!”
He says, “One car hell. There’s hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down...

a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!”

“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief.

The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. ...

"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

What do you call a droid that takes the long way round?

R2 Detour

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I like my beer the same way I like my violence

Domestic

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy says to a Blonde, I bet I can guess your birthday just by fondling your tits, no way says the blonde, go on then, 20 minutes later the blonde says OK when was I born. Guy replied.

Yesterday.

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

What is the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Turn off the lights.

What's the best way to pick up women?

Use your legs, not your back.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!“

I like my women the way I like my eggs.

Over easy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the most intense way to play dodgeball?

Giving someone a blowjob while riding on the teacups.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

I have a way to make math easier.

Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.

My friend said, "I wish there was a way i could send something to your printer."

I said, "fax."

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas....

The best way to get a girl's attention is to compliment her

As in "WOW! You're a fast runner, you nearly got away!"

There is a way of telling if an orange is male or female.

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Jesus said, “I am the way.” The people said, “No way!”

And Jesus said, “Yahweh.”

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wa...

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

What’s the easiest way to limit overpopulation.

Change the the caption from “please do not try this at home” to “please try this at home”

I once heard about an easy way to make yourself deaf

I didn’t hear much after that.

What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

During our breakup, my ex said that my ego was way too big

But I think it’s one of the things that makes me so great

I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just had some syrian ask me the way to the mental institution,

Fucking asylum seeker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite way to have sex?

Fucking raw

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hercules had a brother who was way ballsier than he was.

Testicles

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

What is the best way to download a YouTube video?

Screenshot each second and play it on PowerPoint

The only way to learn...

When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say “you’re right”.

Person 2: What do you mean, that’s never going to work.

Person 1: You’re right...

My girlfriend doesn’t know her way around the kitchen...

The other day she comes in the room and says “you’re looking a little sick. Is there anything I can get you?”

I said “yes, I’d love some ice water.”

She comes back 3 minutes later, and hands me an onion.

I asked “what the hell is this?”

She said “cut that up. It will make...

Dad joking my way out the door.

As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist "I'll be black later" to which she instantly replied with "I'll be white here"... I got to the door before it clicked.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

How do you get an elephant in a Safeway carrier bag?

You take the "F" out of "way"


(It took me a while, so don't feel bad, try not to spoil it!)

Best way to ruine a friendship ?

Ask her out.

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

What's an easy way to make friends?

Start asking out all the ladies you know by name.

Humans are just like snowflakes. Each one is unique in its own way

And a large amount of them on my windshield makes it harder to drive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.

“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”

“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....

“That’s the spirit!”

I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

"Life is way too short to be taken seriously."

An anti-vaxxer said to her kid.

A bus full of journalists is on its way to Mar-a-Lago.

The bus veers off the road and overturns. Emergency vehicles rush to the scene, only to find Trump with a shovel in his hand, and Stephen Miller on a bulldozer.

A paramedic asks " What happened to all the passengers ? "

Trump says " They were all dead, so we buried them ! "

...

Who’s going the wrong way?

A man is listening to the radio in his car when the broadcast is interrupted: “Attention! Attention! A driver is heading down the highway in the wrong direction”

The man scans the road, clogged with oncoming traffic, and nutters to himself, “What do you mean *a* driver? I see hundreds of the...

What’s the best way to pick up a fat girl?

A forklift

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So three rabbi's and their wives all die and are on their way to heaven...

They get stopped by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first rabbi and his wife approach Saint Peter and he asks,

"Why should I let you into heaven?"

The rabbi responds, "Well Saint Peter, I'm a rabbi. I've been a man of God my whole life. I should be let into heaven!"

Saint ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"

The first answers, "Yahweh!"

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

Which way does a cyclops wing their eyeliner?

It doesn’t matter because Nobody will judge them anyway!

I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go downhill?

Walking...

JK Rowling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp...

...One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

I lent my wife my gloves to survive the cold on her way to work this morning. She left them on the bus.

I’m now living in a gloveless relationship.

Never let a disability get in the way of your dreams.

Just look at Beethoven. Everyone said he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?

When Matthew McConaughey is driving which way does he turn?

All right, all right, all right.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

Did you know there's a way to go 7 days without sleeping and not feel tired?

Sleep at night.

It's a great trick I highly recommend it.

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

I am homeschooled and it has always been hard. Today though I found a really easy way to get an A!

All you have to do is sleep with the teacher

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Forget ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,’ there’s a way to lose him in just 1.

Tell him you don’t give blowjobs.

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Lord moves in mysterious ways

But you don't have to, so use your fucking blinkers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They said you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother but the second you have sex with her

best friend Karen, you're suddenly a bad guy.

My girlfriend tells me that I quote Donald Trump way too much.

She's spreading fake news. Sad!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An oldie but a goodie, middle school legend. Its worded in a way as if its a conversation, bear with me.

So there's this kid, kinda stupid, going to kindergarten. He's set to learn his alphabet. His teacher tells him to go.home, and memorize the first 3 letters of the alphabet.

He goes home, and goes to his mom, who's talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend. She's talking away, things are ge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

Asking for a 'Cup of Joe' is a fine way to ask for a cup of coffee...

Unless you're at a sperm bank.

A research scientist studying porpoises discovers a way to make them live forever.

He discovered that a compound made by immature seagulls makes the porpoises stop aging, as long as they're fed them regularly. To protect his research he bought two lions to guard the lab.
One day he forgets to feed the lions before going out to collect the seagulls, so he's forced to call the p...

I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed

They would be in for a shock

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

​...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a Tea tasting festival, the guy conducting said, the best way to enjoy a cup of Tea was to agitate the bag, so I went home.

And slapped her ass a couple of times.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...