Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader.

But more on that story later.

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

I was mad on my way up the stairs.

By the time I got to the third floor my anger was on another level.

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

Two nuns are bicycling down a street and one nun says, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Meh, me neither. Must be the cobblestones."

Did you hear about the man who ate too much spaghetti?

He pasta-way

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What does a bisexual person and an ambidextrous baseball player have in common?

They swing both ways.

What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

Worst way to say bye to a blind person?

See you later!

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

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"So there's a man in an elevator, and as the doors are closing, he sees this young, fine looking lady hurriedly make her way to the elevator too, so he stops the doors and lets her get on.

'Where are you headed?' he asks, standing by the buttons.

'Oh, I'm going to the clinic on the fourth floor,' the lady says, 'I'm going to go donate some eggs and make a quick hundred dollars.'

At this, the man starts to chuckle.

'What's so funny?'

'Well, it's just that I'...

That's certainly a way to say it

Here's that other joke I told that evening mentioned in my last post. Don't worry you don't need to read it to understand its just better if you have.

So it starts with me talking to my extended family who were talking about baby names.

Aunt: well I think dad's should have an input on...

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

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Morning sex is a great way to start the day!

Unless you are in prison

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

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A man had an odd fetish for kitchen appliances, and he managed to find a way to derive sexual pleasure using a toaster. He called it the "toaster pleasure".

After a bit more exploration in his kitchen, he managed to derive pleasure from masturbating while using a blender, which he called "blender pleasure".

Hoping he would get the same results from using a cheese grater, he gave it a try.

There was no grater pleasure.

I like my men the way I like my employees

Hard at work

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light.

What's the rudest way to say that you're average?

You're mean.

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If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina?

Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.

I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor?

Everyone.

What’s Harry Potters favourite way of getting around?

Walking?

JK, Rowling

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

What’s the easiest way to leave a casino with 1 million dollars?

Enter with 10 million dollars

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I want to leave this world the same way I entered it...

An unfinished blowjob

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Found a way to get your IQ to 150 points

Start at 200 and visit reddit daily for a week.

My dwarf friend went for a stroll, urinating all the way.

Long walk of a short pee-er.

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

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[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

Is there a way to change your username on reddit?

Asking for a friend...

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Have you heard about the new way to ignore clickbaits?

Aparently not.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

There was a tile mason who was terrible at his job. He couldn't get the right tile to use and if he did he could not lay it the correct way.

He had erect tile dysfunction

I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

-What's Harry Potter's best way of moving?

It's running.

JK Rolling

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

Once, A snail made its way to a car dealership

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn't specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter "S" painted on each side of the car. When the salespe...

The best way to ruin a great joke on this sub

Is this:

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

What's the fastest way to transport slaves?

Blackmail.

My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way

I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

Are there several ways to abbreviate Maine?

Or is it just me

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

What's the worst way to introduce yourself to a seasoning?

Cumin side her.

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

I like you, in a plutonic way.

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

My wife left me because I'm way too insecure...

No, wait. She's back. She just went to make some coffee.

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My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

I was going up to my parents house doing like 90 mph on this country road and I got pulled over.
This cop, gets out of his car, he kind of swaggers on over and he's like "young lady I've been waiting for you all day"
So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry officer I got here as fast...

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

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Fishing is a great way to recuperate.

Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

10 Ways To Insult Your Friends With Math

10. You're obtuse.

9. You're not normal.

8. You're so negative.

7. You're not natural.

6. You're irrational.

5. You're odd.

4. You're past your prime.

2. You're such a square.

1. What friends? They are all ***i***maginary!

My mate always said he wanted to be run over by a steam train when it was his time to die. He got his way...

I guess he was chuffed to bits.

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

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The only way you can get laid

Is if you climb up a chicken's ass and wait

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go down hill?

Walking...J.k Rowling!

It’s an oldy but thought I’d share

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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When I showed my wife the new dildo she told me it was way too big,

but I think I can handle it.

I created a better way to defrost chicken

It was well thawed out.

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Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.

At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.

Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.

They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.

The next far...

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

There's only one way the US is going to be able to redeem themselves after this presidency, and that's to outlaw the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

I like my beer the same way I like my violence.

Domestic

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

The Best Way to Drink Tequila

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really li...

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

My wife has an interesting way of beginning sentences.

She always starts with, “Hey, are you even listening?”

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

I'd love to find a way to turn the autocorrect off.

I'm tired of that shiv.

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