My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader.

But more on that story later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.

I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils.

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

My wife left me because I'm way too insecure...

No, wait. She's back. She just went to make some coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only way you can get laid

Is if you climb up a chicken's ass and wait

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

I like you, in a plutonic way.

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

10 Ways To Insult Your Friends With Math

10. You're obtuse.

9. You're not normal.

8. You're so negative.

7. You're not natural.

6. You're irrational.

5. You're odd.

4. You're past your prime.

2. You're such a square.

1. What friends? They are all ***i***maginary!

I like my women the way I like my coffee

Steaming hot and in an extra large cup size

My wife has an interesting way of beginning sentences.

She always starts with, “Hey, are you even listening?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.

At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.

Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.

They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.

The next far...

What’s Harry Potters favorite way of getting down the hill?

Walking

JK Rolling

"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

I'd love to find a way to turn the autocorrect off.

I'm tired of that shiv.

What's the fastest way to someone's heart?

Heart surgery

The Best Way to Drink Tequila

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really li...

My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way"

3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday

I like sitting down on my office chair when it's all the way down.

I don't know why, I just feel more down to earth.

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

What’s the easiest way into a woman’s pants?

Through her drawers

A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --

"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"

The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"

"Well.." the nurse repli...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down...

a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!”

“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief.

The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. ...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

I rode my bike to the liquor store yesterday for a bottle of rum. As I put the rum in the basket, I realized if I fell over the bottle would break, so I drank the rum. On the way home, I fell down seven times.

Imagine what would have happened to the bottle.

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

They say that walking a dog is the best way to find a woman...

But what if you want to find one that's alive?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

2 kids are on their way to Disneyland...

They’re almost there, then see a sign that says “Disneyland Left”

So they go home and cry into their pillows

What do you call a person who is 6’ 10” tall, 300 lbs and goes both ways?

Bi and large

A way to tell the difference between an herbalist and a racist

Ask them to unscramble the letters: iengrg

A cheaper way to buy a fence.

Buy only one post, let reddit do the rest.

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

There's a really obvious way to get people to bruise their shins.

When I tell you what it is, you'll kick yourself.

My dad was watches every Angels games. He's been a fan since way back...

...back when they were still humans.

The best way to insult someone is in a way they can't understand.

_[< &!:÷ ! ,>"÷ @?>)÷.

The level of humor when telling dark jokes is like a boat full of refugees on it's way to Italy

It sinks.

My dentist told me that the way I brush I deserve a plaque.

Or I have plaque or something like that.

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"

"Tell people you know their secret"

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't ...

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

How do you respond if someone tells you: “this is an A and B conversation, so why don’t you C your way out!”

Tell them: “to me, it looks like a **D** and **E** conversation, so why don’t you go **F** yourself!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family wants to know why they were named the way they were.

A fathers daughter walks in and says, “Dad, why is my name butterfly?

The father replies, “well, when you were born a butterfly landed on your head.”

Then the second daughter walks in and asks, “Dad, why is my name lily?”

The dad replies, “well, when you were born a lily flew in...

What's the fastest way to become the greatest Dictator in the world?

Fail art school.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt, Turns out she felt the same way.

**So I turned on the air conditioning.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slightly adult content: I used to date a girl so wide down under, I had no way of knowing if I was in or out. It was like...

Schrödinger’s pussy.

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?

The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things don't always turn out the way you think they will.

I always expected my mum to catch ME masturbating.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

I love the way Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I call myself dumb, it makes it way more impressive when I do something smart. But if I call myself smart and then go and be dumb, I just look way more dumb.

Wow, I’m so smart for thinking of that!
Fuck—no wait—

What is the best way to become a millionaire?

Be a billionaire and marry Donald Trump

This morning on the way to work, I wasn't really paying attention and i drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

A blonde was walking down a river trying to find a way to get across.

She came across a blonde on the opposite side of the river, so she called out “Hey, how do you get to the other side?!”

The other blonde called back “You ARE on the other side!”

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

Whats the best way to die?

Peacefully in your sleep... unlike the screaming passangers in your car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

A forgetful man was on his way to a party...

On the way, he remembered he had to go to the store to pick up some cups. There was a huge wait line for the till.

Later, he also remembered he had to go deposit some cash at the bank. The machines were broken, so he had to wait in another huge line.

Then, he remembered he needed to pi...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

The way I feel about autocorrect

Is it make me say things I didn’t Nintendo

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
“You beep when you sleep.”
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he ...

Th way I like my coffee is the same way I like jokes about the way I like my coffee.

I don't.



As seen above, the way I like my jokes is the same way I like my clothes from target... Stolen.

What's the best way to make your friend a drink?

Put him in the blender.

I swallowed some vegan food down the wrong way.

I didn't announce to anyone I was eating it.

There is literally no way to convey sarcasm through text

/s

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

There’s no better way to end May...

Than with a resignation

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

What's the fastest way to make your wife angry?

Refer to them as your ex-girlfriend

No way man, I don't sell out!

Not like the Subway six inch chicken teriyaki made with your choice of fresh ingredients, on your choice of bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Natures way

A bear squats down beside a tree to take a crap, looks around and see's a rabbit taking a crap.
" hey bunny may I ask you a question?"," sure," the rabbit says. "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur when you crap". Rabbit says "no" so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his as...

My friend asked me if there is a quick way to loose 50lbs

I said sure but it will cost an arm and a leg.

Sometimes, the best way to open an egg

is to hatchet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Nuns are on their way to a conference

4 Nuns are on their way to a conference when suddenly the bus crashes and all 4 die.

Standing in line at the pearly gates, the 1st Nun takes her turn with St. Peter, who asks only one question before she is allowed through.

**St.Peter** : " My Child, since you are a woman of God, I ...

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy, first Is alcohol

Second is 69

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.