This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

I like you, in a plutonic way.

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"

"Tell people you know their secret"

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't ...

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down...

a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!”

“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief.

The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. ...

"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I love the way Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

The pope was on his way to a ceremony with no-one in his limousine except for himself and his driver.

The pope checks his watch and says to the driver:
“Huh, we're gonna be a half hour early, you mind if I take the wheel and drive around for a while? I haven't driven since ever!"
The driver is a bit concerned but obeys the pope. So the pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac! N...

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Old man driving

An old man is driving on the Interstate.
His wife calls on the phone and says, “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news that a car is driving the wrong direction in the highway!”
He says, “One car hell. There’s hundreds of them!”

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

What's the fastest way to make your wife angry?

Refer to them as your ex-girlfriend

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
“You beep when you sleep.”
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he ...

Sometimes, the best way to open an egg

is to hatchet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the best way to describe your Dad?

A motherfucker!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

The way I feel about autocorrect

Is it make me say things I didn’t Nintendo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walked into a bar, and a lady, way out of his league, approached him.

“Hey honey! I see you’re having a bad day, want me to.. Spice things up?” The woman winked.
The man, obviously flattered, agreed.

The woman insisted on driving away to the town over to have some privacy. “If you want to..” The man said, so they drove to the next town over and hid in a smal...

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

My little sister is WAY into frozen too much

I told her to let it go

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

The Lorena Bobbitt documentary was very informative and well directed, my only criticism is that it was way too long

They should have cut half of it.

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

What is the best way to carve wood?

whittle by whittle

Did you know, there is an easy way to tell if your house is haunted.

It isn't.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Priests and prostitutes are celibate in their own way.

Priests take a vow not to marry or have sex, while prostitutes sell a bit here and sell a bit there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my sex the way I like my steak

Raw

Here are three ways to tell if someone isn't attentive:

1)They don't make eye contact
2)They interrupt
3)They don't learn from mistakes
4)They miss important details

Me: You know you can get arrested by playing the piano a certain way

Friend: Really, how?

Me: By playing in 'A minor'.

The best way to always remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Simple. Just switch off the lights

What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking...
JK Rolling...

What’s the best way to dispose of a body? Asking for a friend.

A dead friend.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant.

After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded "I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself".

What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

A cop pulls over a woman going the wrong way down a one-way street.

“Where the heck do you think you’re going?” the cop asks.

​

“I don’t know, but I must be late because it looks like everyone is coming back.”

​

My boyfriend's parents told me "There's no way you stay in a relationship with him!"

So i said "Mom, i'm 18. You can't tell me what to do anymore."

A lawyer and a United Way officer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penn...

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

A man died and was on his way to heaven..

An angel was talking to the man while his soul was leaving his body.

The angel said he could go to heaven quicker if he took off his sock.

So, the man wanting to go to heaven, took his sock off and was flung up into heaven with lightning speed.

When arriving to Heaven, God said,...

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday...

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday while it was crossing the road, I tried to stop for it but I didn't have enough time, anyway while i was reflecting back on it today I came to a profound realization. I realized the true origins of a joke that has been going over my head for 26 years, ...

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman thinks a hundred miles is a long way

An American thinks four years is a fucking eternity

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

I like my beer the same way I like my violence

Domestic

After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.

On the way back home from the pool with the wife and kids

Wife: I can't believe you did something that disgusting.

Me: oh, come on. Everyone pees in the pool

Wife: NOT FROM THE DIVING BOARD!

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after all

What's the best way to think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

There's two ways to frustrate a person

The first is not finishing a sentence

The second is

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

Joe was making his way through the crowd, trying to get to his front-row seat at the superbowl.

When he gets there he noticed as the game started the seat next to him was empty, so he thinks out loud "who would buy a front row seat and not show up wtf?" To which the man two seats over from him replies "that seat belongs to me, well my wife actually, but she passed away recently, we've been to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy says to a Blonde, I bet I can guess your birthday just by fondling your tits, no way says the blonde, go on then, 20 minutes later the blonde says OK when was I born. Guy replied.

Yesterday.

How do you get an elephant in a Safeway carrier bag?

You take the "F" out of "way"


(It took me a while, so don't feel bad, try not to spoil it!)

My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!“

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

What’s the easiest way to circumcise a redneck?

Just kick his cousin in the jaw.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

What's the best way to pick up women?

Use your legs, not your back.

I like the way you think...

The teacher asks her class "if there are 5 pigeons on the wall and we shoot one, how many pigeons are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up and shouts "NO PIGEONS LEFT BECAUSE THE GUNSHOT SOUND WOULD SCARE THEM AWAY"

The teacher replies "good answer however, there would be 4 pigeons left on ...

What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

A blonde asks her friend for the best way to treat her boyfriends dandruff

Her friend says, “Just give him head and shoulders. It’s pretty good at clearing up dandruff!”

The next week her friend asks her, “So hows the dandruff problem?”

The blonde replies, “It’s still there, but I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to give him shoulders.”

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas....

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

I like my women the way I like my eggs.

Over easy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the most intense way to play dodgeball?

Giving someone a blowjob while riding on the teacups.

What do you call a passage way in India?

Currydoor

Jesus said, “I am the way.” The people said, “No way!”

And Jesus said, “Yahweh.”

There's only one way to convince anti-vaxxers

Cold hard ~~facts~~ kids .

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, “You come here often?” he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

I have a way to make math easier.

Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

Telegram

Telephone

Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.