I don't know how to tell my wife of 15 years that she's been using her teeth WAY too often when she goes down on me.

How do I soften the blow?

What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?

Shoot him in the face

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

Astrological signs are a great way to see if two people are compatible.

For instance, if you volunteer your astrological sign in conversation, we can’t be friends.

I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

I heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

It really helps a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters.

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

Grrr why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way!

Dammit I mean a usb stick.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Cows were blocking the road on my way home.

I told them to Moooooooove

I like my coffee the way i like making "i like my coffee the way" jokes

I don't

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Jared from Subway's career ended the same way it started.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them

So they throw one overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the bride smile all the way down the aisle?

Because she knows she's given her last blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?”

Dad: Terminal velocity.

What is Harry Potter’s favourite way of getting down the hill?

Walking...

JK

Rolling.

There are a million different ways to say I love you...

...and only one way to say “wrong hole”.

They Say The Best Way to Get to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach...

This is why I'm not a heart surgeon anymore.

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

What is another way to say "Obesity runs in my family"?

"I don't have skinny genes."

The French have come up with a more efficient way of sharing files electronically.

It’s a Pierre-to-Pierre network.

What did the sign on the way to Aspen say after the snow melted?

Nothing to ski here!

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In Jesus's time, some heard and didn't believe that He was the son of God. They said no way. His rebuttal.....

Yahweh

If you’re Russian on your way to the bathroom, and you’re Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

What’s the best way to deal with kids with ADHD?

Send them to a concentration camp.

What's the fastest way to read braille?

Digitally.

A man frantically asked me the quickest way to the hospital.

I replied quickly are you walking or driving? He said driving. I said yeah that's the quickest.

What did the cow say to a man standing on its way?

mooooooooove

What’s the fastest way to circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two ways to spell one, three ways to spell two, one way to spell three and three ways to spell four.

and I’m really pissed off.

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

There's an easy way to distinguish different clans of Scotsmen just by lifting their kilts...

...if they're packing a quarter pounder under there, they're a McDonald.

What's the easiest way to lose 100 pounds in under a minute?

Go to a British casino.

I finally told my hot coworker how I felt, and she said she felt the same way.

So we turned on the air conditioning.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

There are three ways to look at your life

Only left eye open, only right eye open, both eyes open.

What is the easiest way for a Rockstar to gain karma?

Repost Malone

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a...

On my way to go hunting I saw a sign that said "Bear Left"

so I went home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

What’s a ghost’s favorite way to travel?

Spirit airlines.

42% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend wanted to do anal, but I told him no way, go find yourself a woman who's into that. And he said,

"Harry, we're gay. Now bend over."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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What do you call a Bisexual thats been single for way too long

on standBi

Why do the cops pull over communists on their way to work?

Because they are Rushian

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

Warren Buffett once said “If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.”

and that's why I got into prostitution

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I’ve really got a way with the ladies.

Unfortunately it’s the wrong way.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

An 18 yr old son asks his dad “when you were young, what would have been the quickest and easiest way to save £250k?”

Dad: “pull out”

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

People who are cross eyed were probably never told "keep making that face and it will stay that way"

Double crossed imo

What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

Why does cesium decay into barium and not the other way around?

Because once you barium you can’t cesium anymore!

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?

Miss a car payment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father found a way to make the family come closer

He just unplugs the modem, therefore we are all running in the living room, to see what the fuck is going on.

Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

What is the easiest way to tell a construction worker from a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

What's the fastest way to get from 69 to 96?

Get married

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

A bear went to the store to buy groceries on its way home from work.

Unfortunately, because it was a bear, it was not allowed in.

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

If you don't like the way I drive ...

Stay off the sidewalk!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife to Husband on his birthday: You can have sex for 1 hour, the way you want it...

Excited Husband jumps, hugs her, kisses her & runs out saying: I promise I will be back in 1 hour.

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Which knight had a special way of standing during sex?

Sir Cum-stance.

I was mad on my way up the stairs.

By the time I got to the third floor my anger was on another level.

My colleague finally joined a support group for people who talk way too much

It's called On and On Anon

The UPS guys are way better than the FedEx guys

The UPS guy takes the package all the way into our bedroom when I'm out.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

The real enemies are the friends we make along the way

Specially if you are a spy

The local radio station reports that there’s a driver going the wrong way on the motorway

The man decides to call his gf to warn her about it

“I know, but it’s not just one” she says “there’s hundreds

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

Two nuns are bicycling down a street and one nun says, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Meh, me neither. Must be the cobblestones."

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom ...

What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

(Cringe alert)How to swear in decent way?

You mothertrucker son of the rich!

A man is in a bar at closing time, he starts flirting with a female on the way out, and walks her home...

She invites him upstairs for a nightcap, and suddenly they are both naked and all over each other.

After it is over, as they lay in bed, she says “Am I the first one you ever hooked up with like this?”

He looks over and says, “Actually you are. All the other ones were 9s and 10s”

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

Mrs. Swindon declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

“But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the twelve thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a sable coat for her birthda...

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to make a cup of tea, is to agitate the bag.

So every morning when I wake up, I slap her on the arse and say, "two sugars fatty!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

“Honeyyyy, on your way down can you bring me down a pair of socks please?”

Husband: “Sure no problem!”

Wife: “Thanks! Ermmmm...babe, one of these socks is black and the other is white. Jeez do I have to do everything myself?!”

Husband: “Don’t waste your time. The pair upstairs is exactly the same.”

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor?

Everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

I wanted to propose my friend in physics way but...

Me: you attract me like gravity
Her: then move with escape Velocity to stop that attraction

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

What's the best way to carry big carved logs?

Totem.

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

At my age now, people say facebook is a great way to connect with old friends

Well at my age if i wanted to connect with old friends i would need a Ouija board.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So there's a man in an elevator, and as the doors are closing, he sees this young, fine looking lady hurriedly make her way to the elevator too, so he stops the doors and lets her get on.

'Where are you headed?' he asks, standing by the buttons.

'Oh, I'm going to the clinic on the fourth floor,' the lady says, 'I'm going to go donate some eggs and make a quick hundred dollars.'

At this, the man starts to chuckle.

'What's so funny?'

'Well, it's just that I'...

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