UPJOKE
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I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

An easy way to make money is to take photos of salmon dressed in formal human clothes.

It’s like… shooting fish in apparel.

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

This book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

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Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with t...

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.



j/k…rolling.

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

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What’s a different way to say “go fuck yourself”?

You do you.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

What is the fastest way to become sober?

Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

Two nuns were riding their bikes together on their way to church one Sunday.

The first nun says to the second nun, "I've never come this way before".
The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestone".

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

I asked God for a bike, but I knew God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

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I like my sex the way I like my car insurance

Paid for by my parents

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,



“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”



The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,



“Before you tell that jok...

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?

Invest a billion dollars.

19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me?

22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

A couple were driving through Canada on their way out west.

After a while it became clear they had made a wrong turn and got lost. The wife consulted the road map but couldn't figure out where they were. They were driving along a rural road when they saw a farmer standing by the road.

"I'll pull over and see if he can help," the husband says.

...

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

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A plane is on its way to Toronto

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde woman in the economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde woman that she paid for the economy class and that she wi...

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

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A husband and wife were trying to think of ways to spice up their sex life...

So one day the man came home with some flavored condoms. That night they were in bed, and the wife went down under the covers.

A few seconds later she popped her head back up and said, "Ugh, that one tastes like cheese!"

And her husband said, "I didn't put it on yet."

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!

I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.

What did this little piggy say on the way home from Gamestop?

"Wii, Wii, Wii!"

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

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A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

The Worst Way to Die

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, *"Tell me about the day you died."*

The man said, *"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was ...

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

I like you, in a plutonic way.

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

Easiest way to a girls heart ?

endoscopy

There's a full proof way to prevent suicide

Push them, then it's homicide

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

As the man made his way to his seat at the World Cup Final, he couldn't help but feel excited.

But as he sat down by the pitch, he noticed the seat next to him was empty. "What a waste," he thought to himself. "Who would have a seat like this and not use it?"

Curiosity getting the best of him, he leaned over to his neighbour and asked if someone would be sitting there. "No," the nei...

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

Why do people love the way the earth rotates?

Because it really makes their day.

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A man drives past a retirement home on his way to work...

and is surprised to see three naked elderly women out on the lawn. On his way home, he sees the same naked women, in the same spot, and gets concerned.

He goes to the building's front desk to ask about them. The woman there explains that they're the newest residents.

"They're former pr...

What is the best way to hurt someone with words?

Hit him with a dictionary.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.

They hate capitalism.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

A good way to get to know your date

is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom’s maiden name.

Then login and read all their emails.

Apparently, gluing books to your ceiling is a good way to enhance your learning.

I've been reading up.

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and ...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

My girlfriend didn’t like the way she looked in the mirror…

… so I decided I’d do what I could to restore her vanity. Got all the parts needed at Home Depot.

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What is the best way to piss off a Redditor?

[removed]

What is the fastest way to get a small fortune?

Start with a large one

We sell piglets by weight and my wife has a unique way of weighing them.

She grasps their tail in her mouth, lifts them, proudly announcing their weight.
When checked on a scale, she's never wrong!
The other day a customer showed up and my wife was not around. "Where is your mother?" I asked my son, he replied "Oh she's in the house, weighing the mailman".

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?

Shout "is anyone here Irish?"

I like my coffee the way I like Elon Musk

Freshly roasted

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

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My wife said that sex is way better on holidays

Not the best postcard to get.

What’s the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once!


———

But today is mine reddit =D

Edit1: Thanks for the award = D

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

There's an old saying that goes "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

So anyway I lost my surgical license today.

What’s the best way to check Reddit’s knowledge of dad jokes?

A Pop quiz

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

The pound is way more fun than the zoo

They swap out the animals every week!

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

What’s the fastest way to lose 150 pounds?

Get booked at the Fulton County Jail

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will ...

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

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What’s the best way to see aliens having sex?

Go on Porn Hubble

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Turns out the way we make dough is due to sexual reproduction involving the yeast used being from the same family

This has led to inbread results

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...

Where did the Milky Way come from?

It came from the Udder Way.

Two ways (russian anecdote)

Son comes to his dad and asks if he should get married or join the army. Dad says “Son, if you’ll get married, you’re toast, but if you’ll join the army, there gonna be two ways for you. You’ll return either alive or dead. If alive, you’re toast, but if dead, there gonna be two ways for you. You’ll ...

The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

A drunk has found his way into church

As he gets to the front row he sits down and falls asleep on the chairs.

After a few hours he wakes up still drunk and sees the pastor in front of him, furiously waving his censer in front of the drunk.

He stumbles: "Oy lady, your purse is on fire"

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

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A guy driving his car is on his way to the city center when he gets stopped by the police

"I'm sorry sir you can't go through here we blocked the road."

"Oh come on!" The guy replies, "I need to be there!"

"Apologies sir, nobody gets in or out of the center, we are searching for a serial-rapist!"

The guy's eyes widen, "Really??" And he drives off.

About 15 min...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

What’s the worst way to dump a blind person?

“I think we should see other people…”

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During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

The only way I can have a 3 some....

... is if I date a girl with split personality.

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Sometimes, the best way to open an egg

is to hatchet

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a way to make my penis 10 inches long

Fold it in half

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

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