I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

There are only 3 things I hate:

1. Irony
2. Unfinished lists
3.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

An old priest climbs a mountain and asks god:

"dear lord, I've given you my life and my love. I've dedicated my entire life to spreading your name. In my old day, please grand me a wish"

So God told him "fine, you are granted one wish. But don't make it to difficult on me."

The priest thinks for a while and then says "dear god, I...

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

When Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill met together, FDR thought of a little chitchat with Stalin.

So he told him: Hey, Joseph you know back in America if someone is not happy about his condition he goes straight up to the office, slams his fist on the desk and says “I don’t like how you run things!”
Stalin smiles and says “We have the same right to complain back in Russia.”
Roosevelt is su...

Good Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How doe...

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

Two things that never get old...

Dark humor and unvaccinated children.

Why are paperweights so good at time management?

They are always on top of things.

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

Went to buy a Xmas tree today, got chatting to the guy behind the counter, asked if I was going to put it up myself

I have to admit, I’ve tried a lot of things but that sounds particularly painful

Out Shopping

I told one of the associates that I would like to buy a few things. She said do you have a list?

I said no, I always stand like this.

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Picked up a homeless girl today

She was just lying on the side of the road, cold and wet. So, being the good samaritan I am, I picked her up and popped her in the back of my car.

I took her home, bathed her, clothed her, and cooked us a lovely hot meal.

Then I took her to bed, and that's where things started to get a...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

r/TheLegoMovie was banned about a month ago

I wonder what horrible things they did to get blocked.

TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant...

Their legs.

I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.

I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

I paid a woman to do the things my wife won't do anyone...

Thank you Swift Cleaning Service, my apartment is super clean now!

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

The three hardest things to say in life are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

“So you want me to stay then? I replied.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

What gun doesn't kill things?

A Vegun

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

I'm terrible at smelling things

I meant spelling, sorry

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

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Things I will never do if we date:

- give you up
- let you down
- run around and desert you
- give you an orgasm
- make you cry
- say goodbye
- tell a lie and hurt you

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

They say good and bad things come in threes.

That's odd.

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Me and my wife have only two things in common

We're both fucking men

A list of two things people in wheelchairs hate:

Stand up comedy

Stairs

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