My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why?

Because John was living under The Rock.

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, many things in my life changed.

Such as my address, name, phone number, etc.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

My 3 favourite things:

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

From my 4 year old: "Dad, i just realized why these things are called nappies..."

" ...because its like a napkin for your pee, so its called na-pee!"

(proud dad moment)

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you...

Like playing charades!

Average things

In which factory do they make average things?

In a satisfactory.

LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back.

She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things.

Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense. I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"

Edna: "If you ask him nicely."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

If you work really hard one day things are going to change

Youll finally be recognized for doing twice the work in half the time and now everyone has half the time to do twice the work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are some of the same things you can say while decorating a Christmas tree and while having sex?

"It's a shame we only do it only once a year!"

"It's so goddamn prickly."

"Put the balls on very carefully"

"Enough on this side, turn it around"

"Fake one just doesn't have the smell and feel right."

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

Two things that never get old:

1. Jokes about Anakin killing the younglings
2. The younglings

There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus

1. The density of the population
2. The density of the population

Did you know things are so bad that even Capt. Jack Sparrow has had trouble making ends meet?

He can barely afford to keep a skeleton crew.

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

There are some things you can’t say with a straight face.

...Like “I am having a stroke”

They say good things come to those who wait...

...apparently not to those restaurant employees during a pandemic lockdown

Lupin: "Harry, there are two things I need to talk to you about. The first thing is, I'm a werewolf. The second thing is..."

Harry: "Are you f\*\*king serious?"

Lupin: "How did you know?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the most beautiful things in the world is a women's heart. It is fragile yet strong. Delicate yet resilient. It's a cradle of love, emotions and compassion. It like an ocean of secrets.

And of course its covered with boobs.

How does Thanos smell things?

Through Thanose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

I hate when people say Trump never does good things for America

He recently left office, which was the greatest thing for America.

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

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