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Things Jokes

If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

A literalist takes things literally

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

My 3 Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things are the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

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I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

An Irishman's philosophy...there are only two things to worry about..

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you're sick, there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there ...

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Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan, so she went directly to him and asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex”, he replied.

Jane thought for a moment and then explained in detail what sex was to him.

“Tarzan use hole in tree”

Jane was shocked:”No, n...

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want an...

Husband: I don't like three things about you. Wife: What things?

Husband: Your chin.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

2 things that never get old

Younglings jokes

The Younglings

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

Unnerving things to hear during a medical examination:

After examining you thoroughly I have some bad news. I’m the janitor..

I'm bad for buying things I don't need...

Six months ago I bought an air purifier, it just sits in the corner of my room collecting dust.

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Things not to say after sex:

– You are better than your sister.

– When do I put the condom on?

– There’s money on the counter.

– Alright who’s gonna help me rebury this?

– Do you have aids ? I don’t want to get it again.

– Yeah, definitely gay.

– It was better when you were sleeping....

Boss: There are no such things as problems. Only opportunities.

Me: Ok. I have a huge drinking opportunity.

Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Why do we hit things when they don't work?

Because it worked with slavery

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

My three favourite things

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas

As you get older three things happen.....

The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.....

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

“I’m seeing things Doc!” Protested the mental patient.

“Well I ain’t no optometrist, but I think that’s what’s meant to happen.” Replied the psychologist.

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Two things you can't eat for breakfast

Lunch and dinner

Two things that I don't like about myself are procrastination and the habit of forgetting things.

But the good thing is that I don't procrastinate.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol.

Dignity is not one of them.

If a husband open the car's door for his wife, it can mean one of two things.

Either the car is new, or the wife is.

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

I ended things with my communist girlfriend.

Too many red flags.

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

A man's wife decides to take up meditation, among other things

The man asked his wife why she was doing meditation. And she answered that she was feeling lost and trying to find herself.

So the man went and printed out a map of their local area, then made a pen mark where their house was on the map with a caption that said "You are here". Then presented ...

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