I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

The three things I hate the most in this world...

...are racists, Chinese people, and contradictions.

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex...

It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once. Things weren't going well.

I had to break it off.

How do redheads approach things?

Gingerly.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

Two things that don’t get old

1) dark humour


2) unvaccinated children

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

There are some things I can't get a grip on.

And that's why I stick to handles.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

Things aren't always #000000 and #FFFFFF

There are so many shades of #808080

There is 3 great things about having dementia:

1. You get to hide your own Easter eggs


2. You meet new people every day


And


3. You get to hide your own Easter eggs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

What do you call an X-Men who only does amazing things?

Magneato.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Therea three things that happen when you get old

1:You start to lose your sight
2.You start to lose your hearing
And third . . . I cant remember.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Before the internet, things still went viral...

For example, The Beatles, among others, spread all over the world.

I guess you could say there were a few bugs going around.

So a man goes to buy things for his gf when they go to prom.

He goes to buy her some flowers, and there is a long line. He waits for a while before he can finally get them.

He then goes to buy her some chocolates, and again there is a very long line. He reluctantly waits, so he can get them for her.

Finally, he goes to the suit store to pick out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things don't always turn out the way you think they will.

I always expected my mum to catch ME masturbating.

I was born around Saudi. I remember a couple things.

The first thing is that every woman had to wear a face cover, so only their eyes were visible.

The second thing is that I always lost my mom in grocery stores.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

Just to make things clear....

I am going to put on my glasses.

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