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Better Jokes

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

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Is sex better for men or women?

I just had a discussion with my wife about sex being better for either men or women.

She said; "Of course for women! When you have that itch in your ear, and you put your finger in to scratch it, where does it feel better? On your finger or in the ear?!"

I still am speechless.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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Pineapple makes your semen taste better

The reverse is not true.

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

Why is a dog better than your wife ?

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit

Guess who’ll be happy to see you

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

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Better if told in person...

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the...

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

Whats better than roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ...

I want to do a better job of recognizing our veterans

But they just look like all the other homeless people.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

Some say that iOS is better, while some say that Android is better. But at the end of the day...

It is night

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Why is golf better than sex?

It lasts for hours and there's 18 different holes.

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They say pineapples make your semen taste better

I find that it just ruins the pineapple

Why is Covid better than Southwest?

Because it’s airborne.

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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Italians do it better

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he...

I felt it deserved better

Context: Me and my wife are setting up to rent an airbnb apartment, conversation earlier that went like this.

Me: We need to decide how many towels to give our guests.

Wife: 2 for the shower, 1 big 1 small,

Me: And how many tea towels do we put in the kitchen?

Wife: 1
...

What's better than licking a Mandarin?

Licking Amanda out.

Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking?

Because it's made of hide.

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

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Why do tampons think they're better than pads

Because they're stuck up cunts

Why are cats better than babies?

When you are done holding a cat you can just drop them.

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

Why is it better to show up overdressed than underdressed?

It's not ideal to become a formality, but much worse to become a casualty.

Cats are better than dogs

>!No way a cat would ever work for the cops.!<

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Want better sleep?

Buy youtube premium

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

they help me sleep better

a very old lady goes to a pharmacy and asks for contraception pills

"but lady," says the pharmacist, "you surely don't need anything like that"

"they help me sleep better," says the old lady.

"How is it possible?" asks the pharmacist.

"I add them to my gra...

What's better than a step-rooster named Steve?

A step-hen named Stephen

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

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Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,...

I always feel a lot better after I've spent time with my dad's sister

She's my aunty biotic

Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you c...

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention

The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.

Banks need to be better at restocking these ATMs at Xmas….

This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds

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To all the women who only date assholes, nice guys are better in bed.

They always finish last.

Which sequel is clearly better than the original?

World War 2.

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

Why are mailmen better in bed?

Because they know how to deliver the package.

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

My wife asked me, “Which one of my two quilts you like better?”

I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

Ever since I worked on my extreme arrogance, I've become a better person.

Better than all of you together!

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Need Better Rubber

Why is fun with a prostitute similar to bungee jumping? Once the rubber breaks, you’re as good as dead.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

What's better than watching a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

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Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

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My wife and I compared each other's belly buttons to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

What’s better than Ted Danson?

Ted singing and Danson!

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Think you can do better?

A circus came to town, places an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The offer could be for one, so the best performer wins the job.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the inter...

I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

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[This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar...

...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.

The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is o...

You think you tell better jokes than me? Well this post says otherwise.

Otherwise.

One of my grandpa's better jokes

An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive t...

Jesus and Satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.


They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for ...

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

Things were much better for me back in the day

Especially when I wasn't born yet --those days I could kick a pregnant lady all day long and everyone would be happy that I'm doing something

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They say “masturbation is better with a dead arm”.

Apparently I ruined that funeral.

Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get 8 more.

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

Grandmother's in a better place now...

Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.

What’s better decimal jokes or integer ones?

Decimal jokes. Integer jokes just don’t have any point.

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