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My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

Trump: The less immigrants we let in, the better

Pence: The fewer.

Trump: Shhh, don’t call me that in public.

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

How do you make a lawyer in a coma better?

With a pillow and about five pounds of pressure

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

People say I look better without glasses.

But i just can't see it.

My wife said women are better at multitasking than men

So i told her to sit down and shut up.

She was incapable of doing either

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My friend asked me if my masturbation addiction got any better

I replied: no, if anything it got harder

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

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Better than a sleeping pill

Two guys were sitting around talking and one said, "I'm really concerned, my wife wakes up at night and can't go back to sleep. I don't know how to help her". His buddy thought about it for a moment and said, "I think I have the perfect solution. My wife used to have the same problem so every...

Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

I had a guy tell me that I looked better without glasses.

I said, “I’m not wearing glasses.”

He said, “I know, but I am.”

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My girlfriend sent me a “Get Better Soon” card.

I’m not sick, just not very good at sex.

I'm old enough to know better,

but young enough to do it anyway.

You know why Volkswagen cars are better?

They always come with one more light.

Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they're meteor.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow!

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A rookie hunter walks into a gun shop and asks the owner about the optimal modification for his pistol to better deal with brown bears.

With little hesitation the owner says to file down the front sights.

Intrigued the rookie asks how such a simple modification will help. The owner replies, "Well... It will hurt less when the bear shoves it up your ass."

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

I went to a concert to feel better today

I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo.

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Why is Hitler better than Epstein?

In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Why is a condo better than a house?

Because a house is just a condo with extra steps.

I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better

I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.

So she locked me in the cellar.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Why does Trump like KFC better than Popeye's Chicken?

Less to read

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Why is dark mode better?

Because it runs faster

What number is better than 69?

88, because you get ate twice

An American and a Russian are arguing about who's country is better

The American says, "See in America you can walk into the president's oval office, pound his desk and say, Mr.President I don't like the way you're running your country."

The Russian says, "Well, I can do that."

The American questions, "You can?"

The Russian explains, "Yes, I can...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Who’s a better boxer, Jim Jones or Mike Tyson?

Jim Jones, he knocked out over 900 people with just one punch

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

A better version of a joke I just read

I asked a French girl if she smoked, would she prefer marijuana or tobacco?

She said..... ouied

Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why

Cause your gonna go far kid

Me and my dad read a book to understand each other better.

but we were never on the same page

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

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They say “masturbation is better with a dead arm”.

Apparently I ruined that funeral.

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Do you ever cry then masterbate and feel better?

Yeah I never feel better either

Better luck next time

My birthday’s coming up, and it’s just surreal to think that it was almost 28 years ago I could’ve choked on my umbilical cord if I’d just put a few more points into my Luck attribute.

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Some say chess is better than sex

I say it depends on the position.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I just made this up and I'm drunk, so by all means, make it better.

A new moon walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, whatever. It's all futile."
Bartender says, "Why the dark mood?"
Moon says, "It's probably just a phase."

The UPS guys are way better than the FedEx guys

The UPS guy takes the package all the way into our bedroom when I'm out.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

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There has never been a better time to be an ecosexual...

The Earth's getting hotter every day!

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

Why will Titanic II be better than Titanic I?

Because there are no icebergs to crash into anymore.

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

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The world needs better terms...

Like who called it 'beard trimming and hair cutting' and not ladscaping?

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

What's better than playing with your kids?

Playing with the box they came in.

What do you call a boat that a UPS driver buys to feel better than a FedEx driver?

One Ups Man ship

Why are fat people better?

They XL at everything they do.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

Nothing is better than lifelong happiness...

But a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Therefore, a cheese sandwich is better than lifelong happiness.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

If you boil a funny bone...

It becomes a laughing stock.

You better upvote this because...

It’s Humerus.

Why is packing tape better than regular tape?

Well.. it's unclear

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

I always turn the negatives into positives to make myself feel better

The only problem is every one of my Exes now have aids

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?

Mohamed: 10!

Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?

Mohamed: 9!

Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See ...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

Reddit makes the world a better place

...everything gets recycled here!

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you are in your prime.

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

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My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

The U.S. Army really needs a better lost and found

I always hear about people losing their arms, legs and minds.

I'll do you one better - my daughter made this one up when she was 3.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

A big fat chicken!

Much hilarity ensued.

Why is the music better in South Korea than North Korea?

Because South Korea has Seoul.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

My eyesight is getting better and better...

Next year will be 2020..

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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get better grip on the broom.

Let’s have a who’s better in bed contest.

I’m hoping to be a sore loser.

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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