A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.

If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

The U.S. Army really needs a better lost and found

I always hear about people losing their arms, legs and minds.

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Why is the music better in South Korea than North Korea?

Because South Korea has Seoul.

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

Why is food better than men?

Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

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What do you call it when an employee has sex with their boss to get a better position?

An interncourse.

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

I need a compliment

*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.

*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

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My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic

I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam And Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the o...

What is better than eating a Mandarin? [NSFW]

Eating Amanda out!

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

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I'm gonna ask Marvin Gaye to come make my sofa feel better

I need some sectional healing

The vote for better slides in school playgrounds is on the ballot this year.

Unfortunately, I live in a swing state.

What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on your organ

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OB...

Apparently many cannibals agree that people that have been in multiple shipwrecks taste better.

You could say that they prefer seasoned survivors.

I took my date home to meet my parents for the first time and Dad said, “Why? You could do so much better than him!”

I said, “Dad, I’m right here.”

I hate when people tell me I look better without my glasses.

So I'm always sure to tell them they look better without my glasses too.

I can't decide which of 2018's movies was better, Rampage or John Krasinski's film

I'm stuck between the Rock and A Quiet Place

There’s no better way to end May...

Than with a resignation

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

I got my wife a “Get Better Soon” card today.

She isn’t sick, I just think she needs to get better.

My brother just told me tik tok is better than reddit

So where's a good place to hide a small corpse?

Husband and wife are fighting. She says, you think you know me better than anyone else, do you?

Wife: what is my favorite pie?

Husband: a round one

Wife: lucky guess

Acne is better than Priest

because acne waits for puberty before coming on kid's face

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and better if it vibrates?

A toothbrush

I finally found someone who really care about me and can spend some hours to listen me and try to make me feel better

It’s my doctor

Windows might be better than Walls.

But we won't know until Bill Gates become President

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a bookie with dwarfism?

One’s bad. The other is a little better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worse things taste, the better they are for you.

Ever tried vaccines? They taste like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Better than sex

I just went skydiving and told my experience to some people at a bar I've been hanging around. The bartender liked my story so much, she signed up to make her first jump at the end of the month.

A few days later, I went back for another beer and the bartender wanted me to retell my story.
...

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Why are school lunches so much better in Kentucky?

Ours are thoroughbred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Michael Phelps better than Hitler?

Becase he can actually finish off a race.

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad!

It's so great to have a place I finally fit in.

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is better than sex on the beach?

Not having sand in your vagina.

Doctors at euthanasia clinics think they are better than everyone else

They are are always putting someone down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

Who's the better businessman: Superman or Batman?

It's Superman of course, or have you ever heard about a batmarket?

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

Why are dogs better than their owners?

When I whistle at both of them, only the dog gets excited.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nothing better than sex in France.

I mean, where else are you gonna get some oui oui?

I call my wife my "better half"

'Cause she better half dinner on the table when i get home.

-Peggy Hill - King of the Hill

Watching back through and caught this gem along the way.

(From my mom) What's better than little quizzies

Big Testies

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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