A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

What do you call an alien with only one eye?

What do you call an alien with one missing eye?

Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

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My wife told me sex is better on holiday...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

Why is dark mode better?

Because it runs faster

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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Some say chess is better than sex

I say it depends on the position.

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There has never been a better time to be an ecosexual...

The Earth's getting hotter every day!

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I just made this up and I'm drunk, so by all means, make it better.

A new moon walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, whatever. It's all futile."
Bartender says, "Why the dark mood?"
Moon says, "It's probably just a phase."

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They say masturbation is better with a dead arm...

Apparently I ruined the funeral.

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

What do you call a boat that a UPS driver buys to feel better than a FedEx driver?

One Ups Man ship

Why will Titanic II be better than Titanic I?

Because there are no icebergs to crash into anymore.

Someone said I looked better without glasses.

I just don't see it.

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

Why are fat people better?

They XL at everything they do.

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

Nothing is better than lifelong happiness...

But a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Therefore, a cheese sandwich is better than lifelong happiness.

If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

Why is packing tape better than regular tape?

Well.. it's unclear

What's better than playing with your kids?

Playing with the box they came in.

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

I need a compliment

*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.

*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

Reddit makes the world a better place

...everything gets recycled here!

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The better a match you are to a job, the dirtier of clothes you can wear to the interview and still get it.

The next guy came in with a shit stain on his pants and I hired him on the spot. You can't buy confidence like that.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OB...

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you are in your prime.

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My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

The U.S. Army really needs a better lost and found

I always hear about people losing their arms, legs and minds.

I'll do you one better - my daughter made this one up when she was 3.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

A big fat chicken!

Much hilarity ensued.

Why is the music better in South Korea than North Korea?

Because South Korea has Seoul.

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

I created a better way to defrost chicken

It was well thawed out.

This joke is better performed than written but I think y'all will enjoy it

How do you play catch with a kid with no arms or legs?

[Grunt and pretend you're trying to heave something heavy]

Why is food better than men?

Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Let’s have a who’s better in bed contest.

I’m hoping to be a sore loser.

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What do you call it when an employee has sex with their boss to get a better position?

An interncourse.

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

They say "He/she is in a better place", when someone dies

Makes after-life sound like a hell of an after-party!

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the o...

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam And Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

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My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic

I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

Apparently many cannibals agree that people that have been in multiple shipwrecks taste better.

You could say that they prefer seasoned survivors.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

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I'm gonna ask Marvin Gaye to come make my sofa feel better

I need some sectional healing

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