The 107+ Best Better Jokes

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..

But that's really comparing Apple to oranges

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

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Is sex better for men or women?

I just had a discussion with my wife about sex being better for either men or women.

She said; "Of course for women! When you have that itch in your ear, and you put your finger in to scratch it, where does it feel better? On your finger or in the ear?!"

I still am speechless.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

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Pineapple makes your semen taste better

The reverse is not true.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer

Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

Whats better than roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ...

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

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They say pineapples make your semen taste better

I find that it just ruins the pineapple

Why is Covid better than Southwest?

Because it’s airborne.

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Why is golf better than sex?

It lasts for hours and there's 18 different holes.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

I felt it deserved better

Context: Me and my wife are setting up to rent an airbnb apartment, conversation earlier that went like this.

Me: We need to decide how many towels to give our guests.

Wife: 2 for the shower, 1 big 1 small,

Me: And how many tea towels do we put in the kitchen?

Wife: 1
...

What's better than licking a Mandarin?

Licking Amanda out.

Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking?

Because it's made of hide.

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Italians do it better

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he...

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

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Why do tampons think they're better than pads

Because they're stuck up cunts

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

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I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub, My mate asked me how it went. "Brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex." He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

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[This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar...

...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.

The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is o...

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

Why are cats better than babies?

When you are done holding a cat you can just drop them.

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention

The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.

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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

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My wife and I compared each other's belly buttons to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

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To all the women who only date assholes, nice guys are better in bed.

They always finish last.

My wife asked me, “Which one of my two quilts you like better?”

I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”

Cats are better than dogs

>!No way a cat would ever work for the cops.!<

What's better than a step-rooster named Steve?

A step-hen named Stephen

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

Banks need to be better at restocking these ATMs at Xmas….

This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds

Ever since I worked on my extreme arrogance, I've become a better person.

Better than all of you together!

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

Some days it just feels like I might have nothing better to do than talk to a hole in the ground.

Oh well.

Why is it so hard to determine if an iPhone is better than an Android?

It’s not an Apples to Apples comparison.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”

they help me sleep better

a very old lady goes to a pharmacy and asks for contraception pills

"but lady," says the pharmacist, "you surely don't need anything like that"

"they help me sleep better," says the old lady.

"How is it possible?" asks the pharmacist.

"I add them to my gra...

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

Which sequel is clearly better than the original?

World War 2.

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

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Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

This one sounds better when you say it aloud: What does Sean Connery’s favorite actress and favorite reptile have in common?

They’re both Dinah Shore.

You think you tell better jokes than me? Well this post says otherwise.

Otherwise.

I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

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Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,...

My dad gave up smoking cold turkey for new years. He’s doing better now but…

…he’s still coughing up feathers.

Want better sleep?

Buy youtube premium

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

The other night I drank so much I was on my knees puking. I should know better than to hang out with my best friends

Neal and Chuck

What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle?

Harvey

\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*

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Why is having sex with a teacher better than having sex with a doctor?

After, the doctor says "next one, please" where the teacher says "now let's repeat that!"

Things were much better for me back in the day

Especially when I wasn't born yet --those days I could kick a pregnant lady all day long and everyone would be happy that I'm doing something

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

Why are mailmen better in bed?

Because they know how to deliver the package.

What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better?

A site for sore eyes!

My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

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Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

Which is better: An ascot or a cravat?

Its a tie

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

A parachutist friend of mine was able to record a joke on his GoPro during his tragic last skydive saying that he'd 'had a great summer but was expecting an even better fall'.

He certainly hit the ground punning!

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

I ordered coffee at a Cafe today and it's already better than dad...

Because it came with milk

Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you c...

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