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Hard Jokes

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Gum

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

What's the difference between "light" and "hard"?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

It must be hard for women to work in the postal service.

It’s such a MAIL dominated industry.

What's something long and hard that you suck on

A candy cane!

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Raising children is hard as a trans parent

They see right through me

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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

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People ask me "Are you hard at work?" And I'm like

No I don't have a boner right now but thanks for asking

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

I find it really hard to tell my friends what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW what's long, hard and filled with semen?

A penis. Boats are filled with sea men.

Spelling matters, people.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

Braille isn't that hard to learn...

You just have to get a feel for it

Why is it hard for a man to break into the adult film industry?

There's a lot of stiff competition.

It's just started raining really hard and all my wife is doing is standing at the window looking sad...

If it gets any stronger I'll have to let her in

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?

Trouble.

Duck in a hard hat and hi-vis vest walks into a bar.

A duck wearing a hard hat and a hi-vis walks into a bar. Looking exhausted, he removes his hat, takes a seat and asks for a beer.

The barman eyes him as he pours. “I haven’t seen you in here before,” he says.

“Yeah,” replies the duck. “Do you know the big building surrounded by scaffol...

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

Why is it so hard to do inventory in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban.

Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

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Hard of Hearing Genie

(Sorry its a long joke, but worth it I promise)


So a man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.


The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to...

What do you drink to get rid of a hard on?

Any soft drink will do

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

What’s hard to get into, but even harder to get out of?

A shower in winter.

My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer."

Those were his last words.

My girlfriend asked for something long and hard for her birthday.

So I got her a Chess set.

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me"...

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

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I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

hard times in the Soviet Union

One day, Ivan was at the doctor's office and the doctor told him "You're not a young man anymore, comrade. You need heart surgery."

Ivan said "All right, when can we do it?"

Doctor said "We can squeeze you in four years from today. That's a Monday."

Ivan replied "Can we make it ...

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

The weed gummy maker knew it was bound to happen, however it truly was a spectacle for him to see things finally going wrong. The gummies came out hard as a rock and tasted horrible. Unfortunately it was too late for him to make changes to this batch.

He made the inevitable incredible inedible un-editable edible

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy’s apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled “KGB”.

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, “why wouldn’t he just write 1 TB?”

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

Friend: "how hard is it to get upvotes on reddit?"

I told him it was a piece of cake.

Why is it hard to get Indian Food in Afghanistan???

Because of the Thali Ban...

Why is it so hard for bank accounts to quit their addictions?

They experience severe withdrawal symptons

I tried so hard

And got sofa !!
But in the end it doesn't even mattress !!

Three old, hard-of-hearing men are out for a walk....

"Windy isn't it?" the first old man says.

"No, its Thurday." replies the second old man.

The third one says "Yeah, so am I. Let's go get a drink!"

Selling coffins must be a hard job.

It's the last thing any of us need.

Telling jokes about pizza is hard.

It's all in the delivery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was watching porn on my laptop when my roomate slapped his weed sticker on it so hard that it crashed.

Stickers and stoners can break my boners...

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

I don't know why people say that quiting smoking is hard.

I've must have done it a few dozen times by now.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

What did the spotted lanternfly get after a hard day's work?

The boot.

How come the turtle didn't have a hard shell?

Because it had ereptile dysfunction

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

Learning to collect trash wasn't that hard.

I just picked it up as I went along.

Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest...

Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men.

Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!

What did Gods son do after a hard days carpentry?

Jesus swept

I had a really hard time converting an old church into an all inclusive pet spa and boarding facility,

but hiring groomers was easy.

Why is it so hard for a communist to tell a joke?

It’s not funny until everyone gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my hard drive "dat ass" so …

once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like life.. Life is hard

Life is also short

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Have you ever laughed so hard you've pooped yourself?

That'll be self defecating humour.

It was raining hard...

...and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

'Poor old fool,' thought...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes about anal are hard to understand.

But you usually get it in the end.

What is big, red, hard and bad for your teeth?

a brick.

It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US

But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease

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Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

They say good dads are hard to find...

But bad dads are even harder to find

When I was a kid, my dad worked hard to put food on the table

He was a good waiter

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

Math is hard

I just couldn’t figure out the test problem log(na)^bo

It was just all bologna to me

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament but it's really difficult... Good players are hard to find."

but it's really difficult... Good players are hard to find

Why does Mrs. Dracula have a hard time sleeping with her husband?

Because he keeps coffin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.


Joe approached the man, and seized his hand....

Good times make soft men, soft men make hard times.

And finally, hard times make men hard. Wait, no...

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

I was born because my mother was hard of hearing...

Every night, when my parents would get into bed, my father would ask "*So... Do you want to go to sleep or what?"*

And my mother would say, "*WHAT?"*

My girlfriend txt me that when I got home she wanted me to give her something long and hard.

Where am I going to find a 12 page algebra exam at this time of night?

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?

Employee turnover.

What's the worst thing to find out the hard way?

That your toaster is waterproof.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

Why is it so hard to determine if an iPhone is better than an Android?

It’s not an Apples to Apples comparison.

When I was young I was poor, but after decades of hard work

I'm no longer young.

Why is the government so worried about a Hispanic felon who's hard of hearing?

Because that's Deaf-Con Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

I'm hard at work.

But a quick trip to the bathroom will take care of that.

Being a politicians must be hard work

They’re all taking work home with them, apparently

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

Why is it so hard to convict a mute person in court?

Its always your word against mime.

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier

with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

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