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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

What does a chicken do when they fall on hard times?

Chicken strips

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

People always say cancer is hard to beat

It’s pretty easy actually, I’m already on stage 4

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Because the DNA is all the same and there's no dental records.

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Why life is so hard when you're a dick?

You always have to stand up for your problems





First post and Im making a bad jokes

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

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Hard pills to swallow..

..viagra

My friend was telling me about how hard it is for him to fall asleep.

I laughed. "Pssht. Sleeping's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed."

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap yells, "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?"

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I just took my Pornography 101 final exam. It wasn't hard.

I failed

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What’s hard, 12 inches long and has cum in it?

Cucumber. You fucking perverts.

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I named my hard drive "dat ass,"

so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

I was having a really hard time picking a lock

Then it clicked.

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Why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way

Fuck. I mean usb

It’s hard to sleep at night, some girl I met kept pounding on my door.

But there’s no way I’m letting her out.

What goes in your mouth hard and pink, but comes out soft and sticky?

Bubblegum!

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

I really tried hard and got Straight A's

all I needed was to use a ruler

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How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs,

because they take everything literally.

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

What do polish brides get on the wedding night that's long and hard ?

A new last name !

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

Cop: "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to thin...

Why do construction crews on Mt. Rushmore have such a hard time figuring out who the boss is?

Because it's covered with foremen...

I saw where Sanders withdrew from yet another Presidential race after he worked so hard to get where he was...

The Bern out is real

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My therapist says I have a hard time expressing my emotions,

I can’t say I’m surprised.

I was in a 1v10 fight once. It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all of my martial arts skills.

And In the end we managed to beat the guy up.

I never use a "hard R"

I always say Ka'en

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.
"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

A guy prays really hard, and appears in front of God.

God: What do you want ? Ask me anything.

Guy: God how much 1 million years mean to you ?

God: A second.

Guy: God how much 1 million dollars means to you ?

God: A cent.

Guy: I'm not asking much, just give me a cent !

God: why not ? It's at bottom of my pocket...

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long and hard. The president's is a 5. Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope has one, but he doesn't use it.

A last name.

Yes, French is difficult and hard to understand, but

but can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Why is it so hard to understand humor when you're in quarantine?

Because everything's an inside joke.

It was hard and wet for her

(Based on a true story)

An economics professor was hard of hearing, so she couldn’t hear her students. She spoke so softly that her students couldn’t hear her either, so they fell asleep during class—except for one class when she said the words “It was hard and wet for her!” loudly and c...

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

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Me: What’s something hard, long and full of seamen in it?

Her: a dick

Me: I was thinking of a submarine, but I like the way you think.

Why is it so hard to find the world's best tribute band?

Because they cover their tracks so well

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

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It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

A priest is on a plane sitting right next to a woman. She is so beautiful and has such magnificent proportions that the priest is having a hard time keeping is eyes off of her body.

In a moment of weakness, he lays his hands on her legs and as he does, the woman looks at him, and tells him: "psalm 134:2".
Embarrassed, the priest takes his hand off of her legs and doesn't speak to her for the rest of the flight. When he reaches home, he immediately searches for his Bible and...

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

She said I was "hard to read".

I told her it was my unusual typeface.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

Why did the beekeeper work so hard?

No Honey, No Money

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

Why is it hard to play uno with a Mexican?

Because they take all the green cards.

We are only a few weeks into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up.

I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.

What do you call a bee that is working hard?

Buzzy.

I've Been Trying So Hard To Make A Joke About My Physicist Friend...

He finally snapped and told me to put a Quark in it.

I once dunked over someone so hard that they started to cry...

...my brother says I'm not allowed to see my nephew anymore

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over.

We'd have preferred a short story.

You know, I was gonna make a joke about how I have a hard time reading dictionaries,

But I just couldn't find the words for it.

I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.

He was too.

Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Hard to swallow

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!...

What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss

[oc] Why was the devil exercising so hard?

He wanted to get a 666 pack.

It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it.

Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?

Why is it so hard for people to find their glasses?

Because they see right through them.

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Dad, how many types of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hang...

Being a man is really hard. No matter how you feel, no woman ever just asks you "How are you?"

It's always just "How did you get into my house?"

Today, I had a hard time getting a tree stump out from under the ground...

That was pretty root of it if you ask me

Times are hard.

Times are so hard that Isis have had to make a large number of suicide bombers redundant as there is not enough large gatherings.

It makes sense that venice has been hit hard by the virus.

where else can you be guaranteed that they won't run out of face masks?

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome

**Bartender who talks in palindromes:** Yako, is Pepsi okay?

What does Reddit call it when a man is supportive of a woman during hard times?

Simpathy.

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish..

I can't seafood..

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

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It’s not that hard to get into the Naval Forces

I mean, we were all semen at one point.

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My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock.

Apparently, I fucked the shut up.

What does a hard maths problem and constipation have in common?

You might need a pencil to work them out

If you ever publish a book, make sure it's a hard cover.

Otherwise, it will be tearable.

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.

Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

I’ve been working hard recently training my pet dog and my pet frog

They’re coming on in leaps and bounds

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard

And the wife shops very hard

Doing nothing is very hard to do.

you never know when you're finished.

It’s not that hard to be a monk these days.

All you need is cheap toilet paper to get in touch with your inner self.

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I find it really funny when a couple says they're trying really hard for a baby

Like no shit, you can't try soft....

I was talking to a guy who was hard of hearing

It turns out he was decabled.

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

Good stalkers are hard to find

^(>!And hard to lose!<)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

hard inspiration

life is a dick sometimes, but when it's got you on the floor locked up giving it to you hard you just gotta grab life by the balls and say "I'm gonna ride this out till the end"

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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...

God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the third Nun, "What was the first th...

I don't know why everyone had such a hard time finding Anne Frank.

When I went to Amsterdam, there was literally signs all over the place telling me where her house is.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

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