What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep getting dared to have sex without an erection.

Surely it can’t be hard!

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

My sister asked for something hard to write on...

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is it so hard breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

I dont know why people keep saying this cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

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I tried to overdose Viagra.

But apparently whatever doesn't kill you only makes you harder.

If cancer is so hard...

Why am I on stage 4?

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is Long,Hard and has cum in it

a Cucumber

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

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I watched a porn video of a woman dressed up in a cosplay of Medusa.

It made me hard.

It's hard to find a funny chemistry joke here

All the best Argon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

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Why is it that when girls sit on a guys leg and play with him to get him hard it’s sexy...

...but when I do it I’m told to “get off Santa’s lap” and “never come back to the mall again”.

What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bruce Willis dead at age 63 of viagra overdose.

He died hard.

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought I’d get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

It’s so hard to schedule a reading at the library...

... because they are always booked!

Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear...

...you can hear the OSHA

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Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

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Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese person?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

P.S. : Reposting this as some Japanese folks didn't get it the first time around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What thing gets in hard and gets out flaccid?

Was gonna say noodles- But in fact it's a penis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss told me to work hard yesterday.

So this morning I took a viagra and have been working hard for almost four hours.

A boy, his dad, and his grandpa all browse r/jokes and laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

People with osteoporosis have pretty hard lives. You know what isn't hard?

Their bones.

Studies say it’s hard to breathe fast while your tongue is out

Good dog

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the Leper who laughed too hard?

He laughed his ass off.

It was hard when my ex-girlfriend called and told me she was HIV positive.

Pretending to be surprised can be so difficult.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's sometimes soft, sometimes hard, hangs out with nuts, and spits when you tug on it?

a penis

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is like a dick...

Sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

I was studying hard for a midterm when I heard a knock on my door.

+Knock knock.

-Who is there?

+Your nation!

-What are you talking about?

+Procrastination.

Needless to say I have been on reddit since.

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

It’s hard to tell, as I’m so dizzy from twirling, but

it looks like the rest of the losers in this spin class are just sitting on bikes!

Life of a young woman married to a wealthy old man is not hard.

It's mostly flaccid.

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Who said drinking is hard to quit?

I've already quit a dozen times.

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

There was a psychic cow that was hard to find

He was medium rare

Some girls play hard to get

I just play hard to want

Why was the Italian criminal so hard to catch?

Because he was a master impasta

Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?

Most of the time, it’s frozen.

This might be hard for some people to digest...

Dairy.

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

Titles are hard

Her:"im pregnant"
Him:"Hi pregnant im dad"
Him:"Wait a second..."

They say you don't want to be stuck between a rock and a hard place

Tell that to Dwayne Johnson's balls

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber, but I like the way you think

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between staring hard at someone, and homosexuals on camping trips?

One is an intense gaze, the other is gays in tents.

You should try my new thing, it’s hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight.

I call it sleep

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's not hard to find porn on Reddit.

I come across it all the time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in the Soviet Union?

Because they wanted to make every asshole Red.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

[NSFW] My sister asked me for something hard to write on.

I gave her a clipboard. I’m such a nice brother.

Why are leprosy jokes hard to tell?

Because the delivery tends to fall apart.

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

Is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?

Nope, its as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3

My wife is hard of hearing . . .

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her....

Why is it so hard for economists to go gluten free?

Because their food preferences are very sticky.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

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