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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?

All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records...

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

It’s hard to find a funny chemistry joke any more.

All the best Argon.

After years of hard work after college, I finally paid back my student loans.

I wish I can post this in a different sub.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

Why is poison so hard to come by?

It's a delicacy that you only get to experience once in your life.

What do you call a cheese maker that works very hard?

An overacheeser

In Toronto it's snowing so hard right now that it's become pro-China ...

In other words, its a Blizzard.

What's the difference between light and hard?

>!You can't sleep with the light on.!<

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

Why are blind people too hard to joke around with?

They’re too touchy.

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A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

Having fun isn't hard when you have a library card...

You need something to line up the coke, after all.

Teaching babies to walk is hard

But you just gotta take in one step at a time

Are your parents soap and hard water?

Because you are a scum!

I'm trying really hard to get a job at the moisturizer factory

I'm applying twice a day

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Trent Reznor is going to have a hard time getting into heaven...

....because Jesus hates nine inch nails.

I'm told I have a hard time expressing my emotions

I can't say I'm suprised

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

It's hard to date vegan

She keeps eating those flowers that I bring to her...


:(

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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Family reunions must be hard in Alabama.

All your ex’s together in one place, big yikes.

Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing?

Because they’ve got the same colour trunks.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They always take things literally.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Why is it so hard to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming

It’s hard to move up with a career in the church

The man at the top never retires.

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A guy can't get hard

He hasnt been able to have sex and its really starting to bother him.
He asks a friend what to do

Friend " I had the same problem"
Guy "what do I do?"
Friend "finger your wife before sex and sniff you fingers, the more you do the harder you will get."

That night the guy tries ...

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

If you think riding a bull was hard...

Next time you have your girl bent over in bed, lean over and whisper in her ear, “Your sister is a better lover than you.” Grab on tight and see how long you can hold on.

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

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I was once part of a 10v1. It was a hard-fought battle

We eventually managed to beat down that fucker.

A great worker is hard to find.

That's why I hide when I get to work.

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

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I tried as hard as I could to get my wife to have sex with me. She just rolled over and went to sleep. At least I know I gave it my best effort . . .

Before hand

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

I Hardly Said A Word To My Wife

Until I Said Yes To A Divorce!

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I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.

All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought ...

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I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

A wife asks her hard working husband how she can make him happy in bed...

He replies “A few more hours of sleep would be nice.”

Adam knew he studied hard for his test, but couldn’t figure out where he went wrong.

He had spent almost 2 weeks preparing for this test. If he didn’t get 100%, he would fail chemistry and have to take summer school.

Knowing this, he panicked and furiously scanned the test to find out where he went wrong. Finally he saw the final question marked with an X. “Draw an atom”.
...

Titles are hard

*context* I work in a fruit and veg shop. I told this joke to all of the people doing fruit. I think I need a new job

What's the opposite of a mandarin?

A mandarout

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A lady found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
<...

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

Training for a marathon can be hard work

But it'll be good for you in the long run.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough

The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity

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I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

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Throwing a party for everyone who has a hard time getting an orgasm.

Let me know if you can’t come

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What's long, black, hard, and full of semen.

A submarine

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

What doctors have a hard time paying bills?

Proctologists, they're always in arrears!

-Would you call yourself a hard worker?

\-Absolutely! I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

A guy's girlfriend is having a hard time parking the car. He tells her "You ought to get tested." She says, "Why? Am I that bad?"

He says. "No. I've got chlamydia."

If you have two 10GB hard drives and you get another 10GB hard drive, what do you have?

A junkyard.

What does *The Art of War* have in common with *Die Hard*?

Both postulate one key thing: Victory cannot be savored without first experiencing the agony of de feet.

This hard ball of ice fell from the sky.

I was like: What the hail?

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out i...

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

Why is priest training so hard?

The devil is in the details.

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

They say cancers hard to beat

But it only took me a month to get to stage 4.

Through hard work and perseverance

I've gone from living paycheck to paycheck,
To living direct deposit to direct deposit.

No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will always remain stationery.

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Being a Male porn star is hard...

...there's a lot of stiff competition.

Childhood was hard

I was a ugly kid growing up

When I played in the sandbox, cat kept covering me up

Being a vegan is really hard.

The worst part is having to get up at 6am to milk all the almonds..

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

I hate people who complain about hard vowel sounds.

They’re all a bunch of soft-e’s.

My father always tells me to work hard,

But last time I did that I got fired from the daycare.

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he was dying he keep insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s been hard without him.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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I coughed so hard my balls hurt.

I asked the person next to me if that's ever happened to them, and my mom was like "no."

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

My dog took a byte out of my hard drive

Now it's in bits

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

An old man was asked why he was penniless after working so hard in his life?

Half of my money, I spent on hookers, gambling, drugs and alcohol.

I wasted the other half.

Why is everytime saying that getting The N-word pass is hard

I bought mine off The Black market

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

This made me laugh so hard

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

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