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Being a Male porn star is hard...

...there's a lot of stiff competition.

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

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I tried to overdose Viagra.

But apparently whatever doesn't kill you only makes you harder.

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

It's hard explaining puns to a kleptomanic...

Because they always take things literally.

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.

All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought ...

If you think riding a bull was hard...

Next time you have your girl bent over in bed, lean over and whisper in her ear, “Your sister is a better lover than you.” Grab on tight and see how long you can hold on.

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough

The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity

I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

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Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

A guy's girlfriend is having a hard time parking the car. He tells her "You ought to get tested." She says, "Why? Am I that bad?"

He says. "No. I've got chlamydia."

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Throwing a party for everyone who has a hard time getting an orgasm.

Let me know if you can’t come

They say cancers hard to beat

But it only took me a month to get to stage 4.

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

-Would you call yourself a hard worker?

\-Absolutely! I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

This hard ball of ice fell from the sky.

I was like: What the hail?

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What's long, black, hard, and full of semen.

A submarine

Through hard work and perseverance

I've gone from living paycheck to paycheck,
To living direct deposit to direct deposit.

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

Why is priest training so hard?

The devil is in the details.

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

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I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

What does *The Art of War* have in common with *Die Hard*?

Both postulate one key thing: Victory cannot be savored without first experiencing the agony of de feet.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will always remain stationery.

Childhood was hard

I was a ugly kid growing up

When I played in the sandbox, cat kept covering me up

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

I hate people who complain about hard vowel sounds.

They’re all a bunch of soft-e’s.

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Bruce Willis dead at age 63 of viagra overdose.

He died hard.

As an American it’s hard to explain my difficulty in learning the metric system.

It’s in tenths.

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

Why do bakers in marijuana dispensaries have a hard time keeping their jobs?

Because of the high turnover.

My father always tells me to work hard,

But last time I did that I got fired from the daycare.

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I coughed so hard my balls hurt.

I asked the person next to me if that's ever happened to them, and my mom was like "no."

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

My dog took a byte out of my hard drive

Now it's in bits

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

Why is everytime saying that getting The N-word pass is hard

I bought mine off The Black market

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

An old man was asked why he was penniless after working so hard in his life?

Half of my money, I spent on hookers, gambling, drugs and alcohol.

I wasted the other half.

This made me laugh so hard

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

Why is it hard to make friends with computer nerds?

They are very click-y

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

Change is hard.

Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

Boy Joe's grandma's funeral sure was hard she looked so graceful and peaceful in that casket

It was all I could do to hide my mourning wood.

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Trying to masturbate under a sheet is hard

Especially if you don't want the barber to notice

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

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Hard Brexit

Fears over dwindling viagra stockpiles in the U.K in the result of a hard Brexit. The government have labelled it "a growing problem".

Someone told me I have a hard time picking up on social cues

I think shes in love with me

First thing every morning I punch a brick wall as hard as I can

Because your best days start with break fist.

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Life is like a dick...

Sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

Every generation thinks the next one is not as good or hard working.

I'm not sure that's true, but we'll see what those lazy, freeloading teenagers think of the generation after them.

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

What kind of shower accessory is hard to get to know?

A loofah.

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

Who says it`s hard to quit smoking?

I quit 5 times already.

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”

Dad: No, it’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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What is Long,Hard and has cum in it

a Cucumber

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

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You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

Public punishments in Saudi Arabia are really hard

It’s like beating dark soles

It's hard to find a funny chemistry joke here

All the best Argon.

As a blind man it's hard to make up jokes on the spot because I can't forsee a punchline.

See what I did there?

Because I didn't.

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