UPJOKE
toughdifficultarduousstrongsteelyeffortfulroughtryingseverestonyfirmhardenedseverelylaboriousrugged

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

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My dick is like life.. Life is hard

Life is also short

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

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What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle?

A cucumber

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem

The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the ne...

Why are crimes so hard to solve in Alabama ?

Because their are no dental records and all the DNA matches

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What’s long, hard and full of semen?

A submarine

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Learning photography is hard.

Last week I got kicked out of a photography workshop for indecent exposure.

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

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Amber Heard’s lawyer sure is having a hard time in this trial…

He really shit the bed with this one.

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

I used to have a hard time picking up girls before I started working out

Now I can toss them in the back of my van no problem.

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they take everything literally.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

My wife tried to kill herself last night. I heard noise coming from the garage in the middle of the night so I went to check it out. The car was running with the garage door closed, and she was in the driver's seat crying hard.

This is the last time I buy a Tesla.

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

What’s hard to get into, but even harder to get out of?

A shower in winter.

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It's hard being a penis

Your family's nuts and the neighbor's an asshole.

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

Nurses ask the hard questions

I posted this as a comment in this sub, the OP suggested I give it its own post.

Back about 36 years ago, I was a young married man. Me & my wife decided I would get fixed. I had the surgery and everything went fine. I had to take a specimen to the doc for a sperm count to make sure the p...

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

What is long, hard, and thick when it goes in but short, soft, and thin when it comes out?

Bubble gum.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Why is it so hard to make a schizophrenic pay for private therapy?

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MANAGE THEIR INVOICES.

Why are Mexican train conductors so hard to convict?

Because they always have loco motives.

Cheddar, Gouda, Parmesan, Swiss, just making sure this will be the cheesiest post ever!

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Being a College Student is hard

Being a college student is hard. Every day, you have to clear up your schedule and make time to sit down and focus, find the right material, make sure no one will interrupt, and really zone in on completion. By the end of the night, your eyes are dry and your wrist is sore. And sometimes after all t...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me"...

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

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NSFW what's long, hard and filled with semen?

A penis. Boats are filled with sea men.

Spelling matters, people.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

It’s really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

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Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

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Harry & his wife are having hard financial times ....

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

...

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

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Penises have a hard life

Its family is nuts, its best friend is a pussy, its neighbor is an asshole and its owner beats him

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

Whats the difference between working hard and working harder

The emergency room

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

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Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea, a patient told his urologist on the phone.

“The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”



“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”

“Then you come in with him ...

Why is the computer keyboard working so hard?

Because it has two shifts!

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor

Rock climbers are doing hard work.

Don't they Everest?

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

Ukrainians who are fleeing the war in their home country may be forced to immigrate and settle in host countries around the world. These are ordinary, hard working families that just want to live peaceful lives. Should a Ukrainian family move into your neighborhood, remember...

Stay off their lawn.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

John Madden has passed away, but I hardly feel upset.

EA will just clone Madden next year.

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

Anonymous hit russia hard, only one service they didn't take down

Njetflix

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A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,

"Oh No! That must be my husband!"

The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy...

When I was young, I was poor… But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work,

I am no longer young!

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.



She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enter...

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

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A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

Some things are hard for a man to say

Worcestershire sauce is one of them.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

Why is Atlanta hard to find on a map?

Because it’s area code is 404

Genie will grant you one ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a milli...

What do you call getting a hard-on at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

My dad died because we couldnt remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed

He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em

Next morning, his friend went down to the jail

He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"

He said, "It could have been worse"

He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"

He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get the elect...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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Life is like a penis

Women make it hard for no reason

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. It's just hard for the others

It is the same when you are stupid.

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

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Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

A joke for Monday…

My boss pulled up in his brand new Lexus today and I couldn’t help but admire it.

“Nice car,” I said as he got out.

“Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “If you work hard, put the hours in, and really strive for excellence, then…..

I’ll have an even better one next year...

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"Oh you think your life is hard"

Said the man's boner

Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

It's just started raining really hard and all my wife is doing is standing at the window looking sad...

If it gets any stronger I'll have to let her in

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

I told my date that a man like me is hard to find, and she didn't believe me.

So I said, "Just ask the police."

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

$tudent

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on.~~~

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ec...

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

Historians found hard proof that Jesus could walk over water

They call it ice

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

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My grandpa died of a viagra overdose

my grandma took it really hard

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I keep feeling that everyone thinks I'm a liar'

'I find that very hard to believe' says the Doctor.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

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Priest Peter

A priest named Peter was a really great man to God. Always faithful and hard-working. One day, he died and went to the heaven's gates. Besides him was a really drunk bus driver (like, a really bad driver) who died the same day.



Since Peter was thinking that the bus driver may not get ...

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

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A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

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It's hard to keep a girlfriend when you suffer from premature ejaculation.

Easy cum, easy ghost.

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

Colin Kaepernick wasn’t the first athlete to take a knee

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.

I saw this kid crying today, so I asked him where his parents were

I couldn’t tell what he was saying though. It was hard to hear over the other kids in the orphanage

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Boom twang

A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

It's a bit long.


Terry the truck driver was on his usual route when he spotted a nun on the side of the highway in need of a lift, well he flicked on the Jacobs brake and started dropping gears. He pulled up beside her and said "jump on in s...

I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

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I accidentally showed a friend some porn

hope he didnt have any hard feelings.

Guys We gotta stop giving fat people such a hard time

They got enough on their plate as it is.

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I'm a hunter, and I shot a deer that was on my neighbor's property.

My neighbor came out at the sound of the gunshot and saw the deer. It was clean kill, and the animal was perfect for venison. As I ran up to retrieve it, my neighbor met me there.

"Hey, this deer is mine" he shouted as I approached him.

"No, it's mine. I killed it!" I responded back.<...

COVID lockdowns have been tough on everyone, but especially hard for men.

They've been losing $1.00 for every $0.79 women are losing.

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

What's long, hard, that ​comes and goes and make you spit white

A toothbrush

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A cucumber is talking to a penis

The cucumber says: My life is hard. When I get hard, they chop me up and eat me.

The penis says: That's nothing! When I get hard, they put a bag over my head, throw me in a dark room, and make me do pushups until I puke.

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

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How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

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