UPJOKE
reallyextremelysamequiterealmosttoosomuchactuallyindeedespeciallyprecisemorerather

Very Jokes

"I took my date to the bar last night. It was very romantic. I got us a table and ordered a brandy."

"Snifter?"

"No, we just held hands."

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

There was a concert in Joe's farm

The horse, the cat and the dog were really impressed by their performance.

The next day, the horse asks the cat and the dog if they would like to create their own band and go to Europe to perform live.
"Are you stupid, we are animals" said the dog.
"Don't worry, I saw an announcement...

Slow

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and...

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The Portrait Artist

A local Irishman was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist... His fees were very reasonable and the Locals kept him busy.... One day a stretch-limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car.... "I will gladly pay you 10,000 Euros if you'll paint me in the nude.".... The Irishma...

The beach is very confident...

...in fact its 100% shore.

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo. The driver asks him if he needs anything.

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job...

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My therapist told me that it takes strength to say "I don't know".

My wife didn't think I was very strong when she asked me where our son was in the park...

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”



\- Maria Salmon

A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home

"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"

"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."

My Uncle was in a mental hospital

My uncle is mentally ill and has been in a mental hospital for two years. The doctors noticed that he seemed to be doing well so they decided to discharge him. Before signing the discharge papers, the doctor asked one last question to my uncle just to make sure.

The doctor asked "If you put ...

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

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Guy gets hired as a salesman at a huge big box store...

....the type of store that sells everything.

At the end of the first month he is top salesperson, and the boss calls him in for a chat.

"You're amazing" says his grateful boss, "your first month on the job and you're top salesperson already! Not sure how you do it, for example just the...

The greatest magic trick

A world famous Hispanic magician walked on stage to thunderous applause from a large crowd. He announced to the audience that he would disappear before their very eyes before the count of three. He begins the count “Uno, Dos..” POOF! He disappeared without a Tres.

Mooooooo

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very...

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

What do you call a very brief introduction to a Microsoft program?

A 4 word forward for Word.

Parking

A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. Th...

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

One for the bassists of Reddit

A team of scientists were exploring a newly discovered island with a handful of different tribes that had been living there for centuries, and were being led by a guide of one of the peaceful tribes.

As the trek went on, the jungle continued to get thicker. As they got deeper into the jungle...

I think my daughter is dating a female spy

Its seems like a very advanced form of Lesbionage

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

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A psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday.

Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion. This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.

The night of the party arrived and the first guest came dressed in all red.

"What emotion are you?" the professo...

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A woman joins a country club

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a....

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A man is on his way home of a very long drive.

Every day he has a very long and slalomy ride to do but today near the start of his drive all of a sudden his rear-left tyre got punctured and he has to stop.
On the side of the road he finds a dirty strange object that's pulsating. He checks it out and a genie comes out.

"I'M THE GENIE A...

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

Moral of the story...

The teacher gave her class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back tell their stories.

Cathy began, "My father's a farmer and we were taking our eggs to market in a basket when we hit a bump in the road ...

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A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

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Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

Any good mechanic will tell you that it's very easy to blow a seal...

However, most zoologists disagree ;)

A train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." So, his wife lies down on the bed...and just then, a...

A couple decided to enter a local cooking competition. He did very well in the sausage category, but she got last place with chicken.

Together, they made the best wurst and the worst breast.

Ghost taxi

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very DARK NIGHT and in the midst of a FIERCE rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling...

“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire”

“That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.”

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

My Chinese wife is very overweight.

She weighs wonton.

Statler and Waldorf were looking at a picture of your mom.

Statler said "Wow! I wish I could look like that!" Looking very perplexed, Waldorf said "You do!?" and Statler replied with "Yeah! It would save me the cost of a Halloween costume!" Then they both laughed out loud.

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I was in the pub the other night. (long)

and my friend Denzel comes rushing in he says "I need a favour". I said "what?"

he said "i got a young woman in the back of my van that I met in here, well she wants me to shag her, but me wife's just called and she's got me tea ready I have to go home"

"what you want me to do about i...

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

they help me sleep better

a very old lady goes to a pharmacy and asks for contraception pills

"but lady," says the pharmacist, "you surely don't need anything like that"

"they help me sleep better," says the old lady.

"How is it possible?" asks the pharmacist.

"I add them to my gra...

The library books…

There once was a woman who usually took her young son to the library, and helped him pick out books. One week she was busy, so she dropped him off, and said he could pick some books while she shopped. After running her errands, she returned to the library and picked him up. On the way home, the woma...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

Freebie

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby an...

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

There were these two guys from Alabama ...

Who loved to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada and they took off for up there.

The lakes were frozen nicely! So they stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop to get all their tackle. Bob looked at Ed and said, "We're going t...

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A couple were having money problems.

One day the wife went to her husband with an idea to make some quick cash. He listened and after arguing for a little while, finally agreed.

Dressed in her sexiest most revealing dress, the wife jumped out of the car and posing provocatively under the street light, she waved her husband goodb...

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

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2 dogs were very curious about how humans did sex so they hid under the bed when the owner brought home a girl

Dog 1 : Did you see that? She has only two teats?

Dog 2 : Yeah, and his tail is wagging in the wrong direction!!

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

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Laundry

A young couple lived in a small studio apartment, which was perfectly fine when it was just the two of them, but once their first baby arrived, things started getting a little crowded. They also started feeling a little self-conscious about discussing sex in front of their baby, even though he was ...

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

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There were two farms, one bordering the other.

On one side of the fence was an ox, flirting with the cow on the other side........

he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to go to the other side of the fence, which was very high, to trace the neighbor's cow......

One day he took courage, took distance and jumped the fence, got clo...

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Roses are Red, Cacti are Thorny

When I’m around you, you make me very… happy!

I guess what I’m trying to say is aloe you very much.

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of a Bee sting...

He says "What happened?"

She says, "I got stung by a Bee while golfing"

He says, "Where did he sting you?"

She says, "Between the First and Second Holes"

He says, "REALLY? WOW, you must have a VERY WIDE STANCE!"

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

Why did the drummer's girlfriend leave him?

When they started dating she loved his sloppy enthusiastic banging but he joined a band and started getting more serious about it, and eventually - while he was very good - it would just be the same repetitive thing every night.

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

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It's very important to know the difference between urolgical and endocrinological terminology...

There's a vas deferens between a penis and a testicle, for example.

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

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An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

A wise Rabbi

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the...

Rural Court

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Pigeons must be very interested in chemistry...

I've only heard them talk about esters!

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

A sensitive man...

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

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They were a newlywed couple, just arriving from their honeymoon...

And the husband explained:

"These are the rules for our marriage. Mondays and Wednesdays are sports nights, we gather at a friend's house to watch TV. Tuesdays and Fridays are poker nights, where my friends since college usually play and relax a little.

Every Thursday, I go to my paren...

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

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No Bears in the Bars of Banff

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender:
“rrrrrrrr I’ll have a gin………. and tonic.”

The bartender says:
“Sorry we don’t serve bears in the bars of Banff”

So the bear roars and walks out.

The next day the bear walks into the bar and says:
“Rrrrrrrrr I’ll have...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died...

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving wo...

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

The Rabbit

A man with a hunting dog lived next door to a woman with a rabbit hutch in her backyard.

One day, he came home to find his dog with the rabbit in its' mouth, dead. The man was horrified but knew his dog would be sent away if the neighbors thought it was a danger to other pets. So he took the...

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

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Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck...

They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," sa...

Two sisters inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going t...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.

The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.

The Italian said: we dug very deep a...

What did the very lazy husband say to his very lazy wife when he saw her yawning ?

"Now that your mouth is already open, call our son to switch off the light".

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle...

He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'

The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I ha...

My friend said that I make people uncomfortable by invading their personal space.

It was a very hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

What's the difference between a Munchkin, a dwarf and an Oompa-Loompah?

Very little.

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

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Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

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How is studying similar to masturbating?

If you do it a lot of times a day it's not gonna be very hard. And when you finish it feels great

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Lady on a plane

Was reading Cosmo, and a guy sitting next to her asks her, "Are you reading anything interesting?" She says it says men with the longest penises are native American." He says that is very interesting. The lady says it also says Jewish men have the thickest penises. She says I'm sorry I didn't get ...

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A guy is in a bathroom stall having a shit when he hears the guy in the next cubicle singing.

"Hey," he says. "I know that tune. That's The Beatles."

"Very good," says the guy in the next stall.

"Would you like to hear some of The Stones?" he says.

The guy pauses, and says, "Yes, go on then."

"OK," he grunts. "Let me just push a bit harder."

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.



They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.

While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it coul...

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Polly wants a working girl

So a woman walks into my church and she's like, 'Father, I got a problem. I got two parrots, but they're both female and all they know how to say is one thing.'

And I'm like, 'What do they say?'

And she gets all red in the face and she's like, 'They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you...

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?

Miner Tom

My pharmacist is very well respected...

she's a real piller of the community.

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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

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My grandfather is addicted to Viagra

Grandma is taking it very hard

Why could Leonard Bernstein never go outside during a thunderstorm?



He was a very good conductor.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed...

they couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outsid...

Help

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer t...

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Specialty of the House

While visiting Madrid recently, I went to a restaurant that was highly recommended by some locals. When the waiter came to take my order, without even looking at the menu, I said that I will have the specialty of the house. The waiter paused for a moment and then asked me if I knew what that dish wa...

The last season of The Brady Bunch wasn't very good

They lost to the Cowboys.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

Advice

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.

He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "...

Hot dog

(Half of this joke is translated from another language so i don't know if it's as good as the original when told in English)

Two foreigners come to United States for the first time.

They have very little knowledge about U.S. culture,

So they stop at a fast food place.

...

The unusual camel

A man is walking through the desert. He's been lost for a while and he's kinda losing hope.

Behind a sand dune he sees what looks like a camel rental shop. Clearly a mirage.. or is it?

It doesn't disappear as he gets closer so he enters the main tent and is greeted by the owner.
...

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Beaver invites Rabbit over for dinner one night

The dinner goes swimmingly well, and Rabbit is very impressed with Beaver's skill in the kitchen. Particularly with the homemade iced cream dessert that Beaver was famous for. Not really expecting much of an answer, because Beaver is ever the coy herbivore, Rabbit inquires politely, "Goodness, Beave...

Golf

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the...

Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars

he's the force.

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, a bit taken aback, replies, "I've just lost my best friend, a cowboy who took care of me and rode me for years. He died in a tragic accident on the ranch."

Feeling bad for the horse, the bartender offers ...

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

A guy catches his best friend smelling his sister's panties and gets really mad.

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

I always wanted to visit Ireland one day

So I took a vacation there. I did all the stereotypical tourist things like drank in the pubs, saw the beautiful natural wonders, watched a game of football, visited the Blarney Stone, and so on.

Before I left, I figured I would buy a nice souvenir. And what better to take home from the Eme...

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The carpet

A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has...

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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A husband’s gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his...

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I have to always be the best at something, leading from the front from the very start…

Except with sex. I don’t mind coming from behind

The Car Accident..

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from G...

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Talking dog for sale

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

I don't flirt with nuns very often...

... but now that I've met Sister Ruth, I'm confident I'd enjoy getting into the habit.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin

with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s fridge. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer...

I'm trying to sell some batteries with 25% of juice in them.

Very low charge.

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why...

state of the art watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at

his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



"No," he replies, "Q has just given me t...

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Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

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Letter to GOD

A man worked in a post office.

His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.

He thought,

"I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:

"Dear...

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

My wife was very much open to the idea of naming our child after a type of flower.

She wasn’t so happy when I suggested the type should be “self-raising”.

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

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This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a b...

Bill Cosby just moved in next door

He’s been on top of the house replacing broken shingles, and fixing leaks. Turns out he’s a very experienced roofer

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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

How do they drive in South Wales?

Very Caerphilly.

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a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

==========

The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

I've written a very short poem about myself.

\*ahem\* Here it goes;

I

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

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Celebrating woman

I went out last night and met a nice woman.

She was very bubbly and kept excitedly saying 21 today, 21 today.

We got on very well and one thing led to another and we ended up at my place and had great sex.

After we had finished she looked at me and said excitedly 22 today, 22...

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