UPJOKE
perhapspossiblyperadventureperchancehappenreallyelseanywaywhatanymorejustdefinitelycertainlyevenactually

Maybe Jokes

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-nazi's are being replaced by black people.

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.

Or settle down with a couple of kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genie: maybe you should be more careful with your last wish

No shit!

And that's how I ended up with this giant cork in my ass!

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus…

…but geometry is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe a chuckle

Next time your feeling down remember life is all about perspective.
I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Husband: "Wife, maybe for father's day you could get me a nice shirt?"

Wife: "What about all the others you have?"

Husband: "They are all getting me different things"

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe every nation has ninjas

And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst

Maybe more of a curse than a joke

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and a woman on the beach [maybe NSFW]

There is the man walking down a stretch of beach, then suddenly he hears this loud crying.

He checks it out and sees this girl with no arms and no legs on the sand. The man then asks her why she is crying and she then says: "Because I've had no arms and no legs for so long, I've never been hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

Maybe I should delete Reddit

because everytime I log in, I feel pointless.

Maybe I'm just being overtly suspicious

But it seemed somewhat dubious to me when I saw a hole in the side of the Sperm Bank building, with the sign over it labeled "Night Deposit"?

Maybe 2021 will be better

If all we lower our expectations enough

Maybe I am happy

Just asymptomatic

(NSFW) (Maybe?) Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because both come in wet and wild and when they leave they take the house and car with them!

"Maybe, just maybe"

= √ maybe

Jesus maybe walked on water

But Chuck Norris swims on the ground.

Maybe some can relate

Those of us that are so self conscious that we have trained ourselves to silence our sneezes, well......we're feeling pretty smug about now.

Maybe its an XF?

A Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that his fork is missing,

he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my fork?"

Elephant replies: "What does it look like?"

Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."

Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse."

So the...

Mosquito came buzzing up and landed on me, said, "I just need a place to rest and maybe a bite to eat."

I said, "I feel you."

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

Got a ferret a few days ago (old joke maybe repost)

My wife cried"What about the awful smell?"
I answered "He'll get used to it!"

I (maybe?) came up with this joke today. What do you call a lost caveman?

A meanderthal.

One day, Bob's wife reminded him that, "…we're going on our trip in a month. Maybe it's time you worked on your beach body?"

"Great idea," Bob said, very enthused. But later that evening, instead of going easy on the desserts, he helped himself to a seconds.

Then on the next day, he stopped going for his daily walk.

And as the days turned to weeks, he started consuming three times the about of calories while...

Maybe 'Bald'emort become evil because...

...He wanted to get 'hairy'.

A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Maybe we should start believing Donald Trump about election fraud

Because nobody knows more about fraud than donald trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

Maybe it takes a village to raise a child...

I know it takes a vineyard to home school them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius says... (maybe slightly nsfw)

...man who take woman camping have one in-tent.

...man who puts rooster in freezer gets stiff cock.

...man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

...man who makes love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

My dad and brothers(and uncles) are to blame for most of these horrib...

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

NSFW maybe. A man walks into a bar...

When he enters he notices a dwarf playing the piano. He thinks it is a little strange but does think anything else of it. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. As he sips his drink he notices a lamp on a shelf above the bar

He asks the barman what it is. "It's a magic lamp" says the barman, ...

This used to be my mother's favorite joke, maybe still is.

A farmer has three daughters who all have a date on the same night.

The first guy comes to pick up his date and says "Hi, I'm Joe. I came to get Flo. We're gonna go to the show, can she go?" The farmer calls Flo down and they leave.

The second guy shows up: "Hi, I'm Eddie. I came to ...

Maybe if I develop feelings for COVID-19 it will leave.

It always happens with girls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One liner (maybe nsfw and a repost i don't know)

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

Maybe the end of Amy Schumer's new show is really funny.

I guess nobody will ever know.

Maybe in the year 2020...

we'll all see things more clearly.

Ice Cream...Maybe

A penguin went to get his car fixed on a 120 degree day, he was so hot, the mechanic said, "hey, this is going to take a while, you should go next door and cool off with some ice cream."

The penguin goes next door orders ice cream, the waitress asks, "would you like a spoon?" The penguin says...

Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..

\- "No, Baby, don't say 'Daddy,' it's 'Oom Pa-Pa'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe having a dick isn't as nice when you're alone,

but it does cum in handy.

Maybe 7/8 might get it

A drummer made a joke on beats.
4/4 did not get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other hey Billy joke! [NSFW - maybe]

Hey Billy, the other day I was going down on my girlfriend, at one point I said jeez you got a big pussy, jeez you got a big pussy.
she got up and asked me why I said it twice... Well I didn't.
- Edit: credit to the "the predator 1987"

Maybe caviar is an acquired taste...

... and I am not rich enough to acquire it.





This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

Maybe this is the wrong community to reach out to when I'm feeling helpless

I found out how to spell yoyo today... Why oh why oh...

Maybe the only way to join Illuminati..

Is to buy WinRAR License?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

Maybe Space Force is part of Trump’s plan to find...

Universal healthcare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...

So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."

*groan*

People say "Heaven's No!" and "Hell Yeah!" but what is there 'maybe'?

Purghaps.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion

... since they haven’t risen yet.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

My friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties

He was so mad, maybe because she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral pretty uncomfortable.

Loooong, but maybe worth it.

A woman is pregnant in her teens...finally gives birth to two healthy twin boys. She’s young, and destitute, and knows she can’t take care of them or provide for them, and after a bit of soul searching she makes the heartbreaking decision to give the two boys up for adoption. Over the years she kept...

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

Russian history joke, maybe not for everyone but my Soviet studies professor told it in class and I had to share.

Josef Stalin, Nikita Khruschev, and Leonid Bresnev are riding together on a train headed towards Communism.

Suddenly the train grinds to a halt. The three leaders are annoyed, most of all Stalin, who immediately orders the train's personnel executed. Still, the train does not move.

K...

I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?

How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[REQUEST] Your favorite long, maybe a bit TOO long, but worth it joke.

Every day I read the bounty of /jokes, and maybe once a month I see a new one. It fills me with such joy. Also, I work with this amazing fellow who tells these 20 minute jokes, and I am almost out of return-fire ammunition.


See, I love long jokes, story jokes, and there seems to be a pauc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[maybe NSFW] How can you tell that a porn star works at your local gas station?

Right before he's done filling the tank he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the trunk of your car.

I have a couple shots of tequila maybe once every blue moon.

Sorry, I wrote that wrong. I have a couple of Blue Moons for every shot of tequila.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe Trump really did meet with the president of the Virgin Islands.

After all, he consults him on foreign policy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler died in 1945, Donald Trump was born in 1946...

Coincidence? No.

Mystery? Maybe.

Hotel? Trivago.

If Trump is so worried about border security, maybe he should take Prozac.

You know, for Hispanic attacks.

Maybe we should put Obama on the $20 bill

Then we would finally get the change he promised.

Rockets? Maybe. But the Chinese haven't contributed to aviation.

After all, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy But here's my number, so call me maybe

Hi maybe, I'm dad.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".



The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"


Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

My girlfriend told me that she has lost all her patients with my morning routine making her late to work. I told her that maybe...

she should be a better doctor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

A lot of people are pretty upset about “fat shaming” jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

Maybe we could cut down a bit on the terrible conditions at slaughterhouses by getting the cows really baked.

It might make their short lives a little happier, and maybe even make more people aware and willing to change, once they realize the steaks are high.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers

The engineer quite upset, "What about them? We've had to wait here for 15 minutes!"

The doctor agreed, "I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetence!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's go talk to him! - Hey, George, what's going on with that
Group ahea...

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.