A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she sa...

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

For our upcoming anniversary, my wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: *slaps me right across the face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

I have a suspicion that the Quasimodo guy from Notre Damn has something on his back.

It's just a hunch.

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband at dinner? Reese something....

“Witherspoon?”












No with her knife!!!!

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

You know how sometimes you want to eat something just because it's there?

So, anyway, I got fired from the gynecologist's today.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

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A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

There's something I love about electric fences

But I can't put my finger on it

Not sure how it'll be received now. Something from back when their costumes were different

Q: Who's smarter? Batman or Superman?
A: >!Batman. They both wear their underwear outside of their pants but Batman covers his face.!<

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

Why can't geneticists breed something useful

like crossing Self raising Flour with Children

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My dad used to tell me "always ask before taking something"

He was a good dad but a horrible thief.

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

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A man enters a taxi and sees a man eating something...

He asks the driver "what ya eating?" The driver responds "smart tablets" so the man asks if he could have one. 15 minutes later the man says "I don't feel any smarter, can I have another?" The driver hands him another. 15 minutes later he says the same thing and the driver offers him another, this t...

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Old man’s sitting on a porch when he sees a young man walk by, dragging something behind him

Old man says, “What you got there?” and the young man replies, “Chickenwire.” Old man asks , “What’re you doing with chickenwire?” Young man replies “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says “You ain’t catching no chickens with chickenwire.

Sure enough, later that eve...

My wife said something about me procrastinating everything

So I just told her that I would speak to her tomorrow

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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A guy is having sex for the first time and wants to sound experienced and wants to say something sexy.

The girl yells out “ I love how big you are.”

He yells out “I love how big you are too!”

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Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

As two kids left the store, one of them suddenly realized that they had put something in there pocket.

It was a toy from Disney's The Jungle Book. One of them wanted to just confess to it. but the other said.



Confess!? Are you out of your mind? Do you know what they do to people like us? Were not talking about some dumb mail-fraud scheme or hijacking here...



WE STOLE A B...

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

I felt like I forgot something before I left the house, and, gosh darn it...

It was the Alamo.

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A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something?

Because it's always ruff...

(Thought of this while walking the dog and now just hoping it's good enough that one day I see it reposted in here)

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

My brother was shouting because there was something weird in his egg

That's the yolk

Wanna hear something funny?

China is a member of UN human right council

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

A boxer tells a joke,but something misses.

A PUNCHline

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, yes sir, may we help you? There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

we do not use language like that here, she said. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's so...

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

What is something with 4 eyes , no legs and no hands

A PAIR OF SSSSSNAKES !!!

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven't. I think I'm seeing stars.

Did you get something wet today?

Then your name is not Ben Shapiro.

Projection is something other people do...

They also complain a lot.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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Something stinks on my flight

I can't find it. I know I'm not the only one. Everybody around me has scrunched up faces. Someone hit the flight attendant button. The flight attendant notices quickly as well, and begins searching for the source. She starts ripping open the overhead storage bins, smelling each one cautiously. With ...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

My dentist said I need braces, but I needed to pay something upfront.

So I asked him "wait, do I need braces or a retainer?"

Whats something that young boys love, but grow to fear as they get older?

Having a stroke.

I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction

Now he does my bidding

What's it called when a gaming console can fight something in front of and behind it?

Backwards combat ability

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

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What is something that minecraft players and men can say?

Fuck, my pick broke, I can’t go any deeper.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy

So i went out and got drunk.

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

My gf said whisper something dirty in my ear....

So I said " Dishes,Laundry,bathtub."

A son calls his parents in another state, to say something about school.

Parents: "How are things going?"

Son: "Well, I got 95 on one of my exams..."

Parents: "Why son, good for you!"

Son: "Yeah but... it was the SAT's"

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

What is something you can only ever bite once?

The dust.

How do you attract perverts to something?

Stick a NSFW tag on it

I have discovered there is something worse than finding your grandpa’s stash of playboy...

It’s figuring out the reason why some of the pages are stuck together!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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3 generations of prostitutes were sitting around discussing their trade

The daughter complains,"I'm only getting $20 for a blowjob."

The mother pipes up and says, "Back in my day we only got $5."

Then the grandmother speaks up and says, "During the great depression we were happy to just have something warm in our belly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

I asked my friend if he could look at something for me

Then he said "I can't. I'm blind."

A bargain is something you don’t need

at a price you can’t resist.

A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”


The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Giv...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open.

It was a jar.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

School.

[NSFW] You ever see something so good you just have to eat it?

Well anyways, that’s how I got fired from the gynecologist’s office.

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a dentist.

After examining my mouth: "There's something wrong with your taste bud."


"What is it?" I asked.

He said, "Well, for a first, those shoes are fucking hideous."

What does Bill Gates say when he dislikes something?

Bill Hates.

What's something that can be not popular but very viral?

Corona in the end of 2019

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Something you never hear a nymphomaniac say:

"give me a fucking break"

Reddit and Fencing have something in common

There's bound to be a riposte

What’s yellow and something you shouldn’t drink?

A school bus

Teacher : name something beginning with E that your not very good at.

Johnny : Spelling.

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen...

I can feel it

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back is was meant to be.

That was definitely not a balloon.

[This isn't a joke but something on the sub I'd like to talk about - hopefully this doesn't get removed]

Can we all stop complaining about people using other people's jokes? Please?

The whole point of a joke is to make people laugh, so when we hear a funny joke we want to share it with others! How often have you come up with a hilarious original joke? Most jokes you tell were someone else's firs...

If a man says something in the woods and there are no woman to hear him,

Is he still wrong?

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

Yall ever just get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Any way I list my job as a gynecologist today

Something I noticed about Saxophones

They really do be do be do be do

After months in quarantine, I have something in common with a rotten egg..

It has been months since I was laid too.

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think time travel exist because every time something bad happens in 2020 it's someone tryna fix something in the past but keep fucking shit up.

Like, where'd all the murder hornets go?

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

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