UPJOKE
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Resemble Jokes

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

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Gorilla behaviorbly resemble human

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
...

I painted my Jell-O to resemble concrete.

It's not as hard as it looks.

Which Game of Thrones house does House Trump most resemble?

Definitely not House Lannister, because they always pay their debts.

What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?

Cantaloupe

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My ex said my penis resembled a tic tac.

So I asked her, then why does your sister still have bad breath?

A young couple has a new baby, but after a while the mother starts to think the baby doesn't resemble her or her husband . . .

She decides to get a DNA test done, and sure enough, the results come back that it is not their child.

"Honey, I don't know how to tell you this," she says to her husband. "The baby . . . she's not . . . ours."

"Yeah," says the husband.

"What do you mean, 'yeah'?" she says. "You...

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Every birthday I get an erotic cake that resembles a woman's breasts....

That way I can have my cake and eat tit, too!

I started a business selling landmines that resemble prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof.

How do the long friendships end?

Madhu was breast feeding her son, while her best friend Sheila was sitting near her.
Madhu asked , "Does my son resemble me or his father?"
Sheila replied, "He looks like you but he sucks exactly like his father."

Did you hear that Trump Tower is being remodeled to add a clock that resembles Big Ben

I've heard people complain that it has tiny hands.

The other day, my wife asked me if I could help her with a puzzle. She couldn't find any edges to start with and the colors all resembled each other.

After taking a look at the puzzle, I told her to put the corn flakes back in the box

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks &...

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

Sudden end of a longtime friendship

**Sudden end of a longtime friendship**
*a short story*

Monica was breastfeeding her son
while her best friend Soniya sat nearby...

Monica asked - 'Does my son resemble me or his father?'

Soniya - 'He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father!'

**The End*...

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Adolph Hitler had a stamp on his desk

It was solely used to RSVP for meetings. The picture resembled a dolphin breaching water. Historians now believe the message was to mean Adolph in.

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

An interesting title

In high school kids used to say i resembled a large bird so they would exclude me from activities.

I guess that would make me Ostrich-sized

I heard Disney is making a princess that's more pc to viewers.

She's said to resemble Rapunzel. Except instead of letting down her hair, she lets down everyone in her life.

What do you call it when you kill an important donkey?

An Assassassination.

I made it up when I was seven and to this day its the only thing I've ever made up that resembles a joke.

A lady decides to get a tattoo

A lady who is a huge Elvis fan decides on his birthday to get a tattoo of the King to commemorate his life.

She goes to a well-known tattoo artist in town and asks that he put the ink on the inside of her thigh. The artist draws it out and asked her, “Do you like the design, and is right her...

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My girlfriend is weird.

She keeps saying that my dick resembles a salamander.

She calls it "my newt."

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Saxophone penis...

A guy goes to the doctors with a problem with his penis. The doctor takes a look and his penis is shaped uncannily like a saxophone.



"Wow,", the doctor exclaims,"that's incredible."



"Yes,", replies the guy,"in my family, we all have genitals that resemble various musica...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

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I had to go to the doctor's the other day, for a full examination.

While I was naked, he remarked how much my genitalia resembled a saxophone. I told him it was a family trait, we all had private parts that looked like musical instruments.


"Most remarkable" he mused, " I can't remember seeing anything like it in 30 years, apart from that one lady who's...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body

The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"

The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."

The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would pu...

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An avid art collector wanted to add a new piece to his collection...

So he want to an artist's gallery and asked "my good sir, could you paint me a picture depicting Adolf Hitler's last thought?" After a few minutes of thinking the artist said "certainly. Come back in a week and I'll have it ready for you.

So a week layer the collector returns and meets the a...

Hand Surgery

A man suffers a traumatic accident that requires the surgical reconstruction of both his hands. It takes multiple operations, but eventually his mangled digits resemble something human again, and he regains full use of all of his fingers. Thankful but somber, he asks the surgeon, "But doc, will I ev...

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An interesting fact about the word "poop."

While saying the word "poop" your mouth resembles your anus while pooping.

Another great example of this relationship is with the word "diarrhea."

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

What is my age ?

The new mathematics school teacher on the very first day asks a very complicated question.

Teacher: Let me see if you can answer this question :

"A train in Russia covers a distance of 600 kilometres in 4 hours . A bomber flies over a City in the Middle East and drops a huge bomb. A...

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.

Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.

There was a carpenter that was quite a ladies' man, who accidentally ruined one of his eyes in an accident one day

So he made himself a wooden eye, but unfortunately his good looks were spoiled because he couldn't get it to fully resemble his remaining eye, and his days of womanizing were done. The fact that women were repulsed by his eye made him grow to have trouble even talking to women, which only compounded...

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OK Joke

So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
...

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A woman has 12 children throughout her life

For her 60th birthday her kids all chip in some money for her to choose a present. She decides to get her vagina tidied up, as it now resembles a badly packed kebab.
Waking up after the operation, she sees 3 cards on the windowsill.
She recognises the handwriting on the first as her sister's...

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My favorite Banking joke

One day a frog goes to the bank. You see he has this great idea for a company, and despite being from quite the wealthy family, he wants to get the loan himself. Something to prove himself and his worth, you know? So he steps on in to the bank and visits the loan officer, a Miss Paddywhack.

S...

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A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

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Bob gets a job at a Japanese restaurant...

In the kitchen he notices all the pots, pans, plates, etc have names stamped on them. His boss says it's for easy identification.

One day the cook asks him to go get a wok. So Bob goes into the back and grabs the first thing he can find that resembles a wok with the name "Peter" in bold lette...

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vĂŚttir*; the Gaels called them *Aes SĂ­dhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff...

...they all die and go to Heaven. As they were approaching the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter comes out to greet them:
"My dear sisters, welcome to Heaven”, said the apostle. The nuns were thrilled to meet him, but he proceeded without delay: “Please form a line while I go back inside to get somethin...

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