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My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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If a blind girl says you have a big penis

She's probably pulling your leg

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

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There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

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My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

Why is Santa’s sack so big ?

Because he only comes once a year .

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push twins together to make a king.

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My girlfriend keeps telling that having a tiny penis isn't such a big deal but I don't know..

I kinda wish she didn't have one at all

Why do graveyards have big walls around them?

Because everybody's dying to get in

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he wasn't big enough. How unfair is that!

.... making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone.

My feet are so big

That they attract everything within two feet.

I hate people who use big words.

They do it just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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A fun joke for the phone

Once bored with the conversation, ask the recipient to help you with a joke

Start off with "what has a small dick that hangs down?"

The typical answer "what??"

"A bat, you know, because it hangs upside down"

"Oh"

"What has a big dick that hangs up?'

"Huh?"<...

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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People say Hitler had a big penis...

Nein inches.

What does the Big Bad Wolf do to get high?

He huffs and he puffs.

What did a big dog say to a naked lady in the bathroom?

Woof woof

Sometimes I use big words I don't really know the meaning of

it's an effort to appear more photosynthesis

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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wa...

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out?

He took the knight off.

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

What’s big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

My name is Afterhim because my father was a big fan of Rocky Balboa

So he decided to name me after him

Kingdom A was in big debt to Kingdom B.

Kingdom B requested that Kingdom A repay their debt by sending them a large amount of knights. Kingdom A frantically recruited knights and just barely supplied the demand. They were left with only Sir Plus.

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

During our breakup, my ex said that my ego was way too big

But I think it’s one of the things that makes me so great

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A girl told me that my big personality is all that matters to her.

So I named it Penis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

What do sprinters eat before a big race?

Nothing, they fast.

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

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NSFW/ A white guy is waiting in an elevator and a big black guy walks in on the next floor

The white guy stares and is astonished by how big this dude is. The black guy notices him staring. A minute goes by and the black guy says, “6’ 8”....... 280........ 13 inches...... Turner Brown”.

The white guy passes out and falls on the ground.

He is awoken by the black guy asking ...

Which Beatle wanted to make it big as an entrepreneur?

Ringo Startup

What's a big cat that can't hear?

Def Leppard.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

Why do romans always buy their clothes to big?

They go for XL if L is too big for them.

I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

NSFW I'm not saying she's got a big coochie but...

....half way in an old man with a grey beard would not let me continue on until I answered three riddles.

You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you?

You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you? i'll have you know my son was diagnosed with the measles so I placed various crystals around his bed while he slept to promote the proper aura for healing.

He's dead now but at least he's not autistic

What do you call a big ape that likes to barbecue?

A grilla’

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

Your momma so big.

She broke Graham’s number

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, an...

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All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie

Solo

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

I once told my wife a joke about a big wall

She never got over it

A big moron and a little moron are sitting on a fence the big moron falls off but the little moron doesn’t

Which makes sense because he was a little moron

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An old woman was walking with two big plastic bags. One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman : Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills.
Old lady : Oh thank you so much sir.
Policeman : By the way, where did you get all of this money ? Did you steal?
Old lady : Oh no! Well it's a long story.
my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming an...

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Do Native Americans have big dicks?

Because I heard that redwoods are HUGE!

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God gave me a choice to have a big dick or a good memory

I dont remember which one I picked

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A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

Two racehorses and a dog are in the stable on the night before the big race.

The old horse says, “Kid, I have a favor to ask. Tomorrow’s the last race of my career. If I win, they’ll have a big parade in my honor and put me in a nice pasture for the rest of my life. If I lose, they’ll send me to the glue factory. Now, I’m still a pretty good racer, but I think we both know t...

Me trying to impress my girl with big words

Darling, you look absolutely... bovine

So I went to see a Notorious BIG concert

Turns out he’s dead. So I called Ticket Master and waited on the phone for like 40 minutes just to be told that they wouldn’t refund me. When my wife got home she asked what happened and how I felt. All I could say to her was
“No Biggie”

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

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Why are accountants big grammer nazis?

They get scared when there is no Capital.

I'm a big fan of old jokes about menstruation.

What Can I say? I love period pieces.

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

For his 70th birthday, one of his students gave the zen master a big box with a ribbon around it.

When the master opened the box, he found that there was nothing inside.

"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"

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My friend loudly complained that the dildo his girlfriend used on him was too big.

I told him to try taking it down a peg.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil?

The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*

&#x200B;

My botany professor just told us this.

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A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

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A guy goes to a brothel for the first time.

He is a bit shy, talks to the Madame in charge and quietly ask if he can spend some time with a girl with big tits and a tight pussy. The Madame assures him this is indeed possible and invites him to take a seat in the bar area and have a drink first, while the girl gets ready. The guy sits down and...

Today we learned 2 things about Jeff Bezos: He has big cojones...

And there might be pictures of them

America has a big apple, Australia has a big banana, but I think Indonesia beats them all.

They have a big wave.

Did you hear the boating store was having a big sale?!!??

It was quite the oar deal.

Why do Canadian businessmen go clubbing after a big trade agreement?

To seal the deal

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday

All Fridays matter.

If you have enough money, always buy the big box of condoms

That way you will always have one during hard times.

There is a big function party

Everyone is there, x^2, sinx, cosx.
e^x is sitting in the corner crying. they ask "him why are you crying? Why don't you integrate yourself?"


e^x looks up and says, "It wont make a difference."

My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.

Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

My friend fell in love with a girl from his primary school so he gave her a big kiss

Now he can't teach there anymore

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space

Terrible joke. Only three stars

Just had a big fight with my wife.

That woman fights for no reason at all. We were both excited and just about to make love. She removed her jeans and then her top. Then the fight started when I asked, "why are you wearing you sister's bra?"

What's one of the perks of going to a big college on Southern California?

UCLA

What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?

Big Meter.

The one with a big hole and an anvil

So there were two hunters walking in the wilderness when one spots a giant hole.

"Holy guacamole, look out for that hole!" he says to the other hunter.

Noticing it, the second hunter has an idea. "I wonder how deep it is." he says, picking up a rusty anvil sitting on the ground and dro...

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

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Two men walk into a bar and see a big guy sitting at the end with a tiny head...

One guy says to the other guy "Go over there and ask him why is head so small." The second guy says "No way man you do it."

So he proceeded to the end of the bar asking him "Hey man, why is your head so tiny?"

The guy with the tiny head says "It's okay, everybody ask me all the time....

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

Heard this joke a long time ago in highschool.. when band aid and Ethiopia were big news..

Ahmed runs a little eatery in Ethiopia.

One day, just when he was about to close up, an Ethiopian runs in, grab a plastic fork from the self serve area and runs out.. before Ahmed can process whether he's just been robbed.. another runs in, grab a fork but this time, the Ethiopian says thanks...

One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't n...

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Big ol fat man at the YMCA...

There's a big ol fat man at the YMCA taking a shower...

You gotta take a shower before you get in to pool at the YMCA...

Big ol fat man is taking a shower and a little skinny dude walks in and says wooooo-weeeeee, how long has it been since you saw your dick?

Fat man says, loooo...

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.