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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

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Masturbate before a big decision

I remember reading somewhere that you could masturbate before a big decision in order to think more clearly, and I figured "what the hell, why not try it".

So.. I decided to go to town.

I wasn't really in the mood, but along the way, "the engine started revving" so to speak.

I w...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

What does Mike Tyson do when his boat has a big hole in it?

First he thinks for a while.. then he dethides to thwim.

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

What does Big Foot keep time with?

His sasqwatch

Any loving's good loving, so I took what I could get. Then she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said

Woof.

I asked my wife why she never told me when she has the big O

She said she hates to bother me when I’m at work

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A big burly biker walks into a bar.....

......and yells out loudly, 'All lawyers are assholes.'

A small skinny guy at the end of the bar stands up and says, 'I resent that comment.'

The biker asks, 'Why, are you a lawyer?'

The skinny man replies, 'No, I'm an asshole.'

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

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What do women say to men with big dicks?

I knew you wouldn't know...

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In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes

In India they're called Cyclones

In Japan they're called Typhoons

In Britain they're called Wednesdays

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night.

Your head

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them...

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

Work likes to say we're like one big family...

...but then get upset with me when I call my boss Daddy. You can't have it both ways.

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Sex for Money

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I’m a big fan of whiteboards...

**I find them quite re-markable.**

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Washington got it big, Biden got small, the Pope got it but don't use it. What is it?

The surname.

What do you call a big, prejudiced, scary clown?

A big It

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

Everything's Big in Texas

A man walks into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the bar and orders a beer. When the beer comes it's the largest he's ever seen.

"Why is this so huge?" the man asks.

The bartender says, "Well everything's big in Texas!"

Then the man orders a cheeseburger, and this too is e...

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Cuz he only comes once a year

Big Lebowski

I used to have a job making coffee on the set of the Big Lebowski. One day they fired me because the lead actor's coffee was too hot. It was an important lesson about burning bridges.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

A Texan is bragging to a New Yorker about how big Texas is ...

He says, "I can start driving at sunrise, and by sundown I'd still be in Texas." New Yorker says, "I had a car like that once."

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The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

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Big Hickey

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fel...

Some people will tell you that a rapid irregular heartbeat isn't a big deal,

but that's a-fib.

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Big Feet

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curi...

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little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

A man ran up to me shouting "Big hole with water in the ground! Big hole with water in the ground!

He seemed strange but I think he means well

They say Jeff Bridges donated a good sum of money to charities after The Big Lebowski…

The Dude Provides!

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When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

A set of steps asked another set of steps how they got so big.

The other set of steps said: "Stair-oids."

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What do you call a group of wolves with big butts.

A fanny pack

A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.

Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.

There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Ev...

Having a big nose is not an excuse for not wearing a mask.

I still have to wear underwear.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big tits?

One is a crusty bus station,
the other is a busty crustacean

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

You could have.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the roo...

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

What do you call the big man on campus at BYU?

The Super Soaker

Why aren't Incel's big fans off Iron-Man?

They're just not big on Fe-Males, that's all.

A big hurricane came by and washed a beach away...

The sea rises by and says "Oy! Beach! Where's the rest of ya!?". The beach replies: "I'm not shore anymore."

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

A german and an american are talking. "My country is so big, it takes me two weeks to drive from one side to the other," says the American.

The German: "Oh, I used to have a car like that...".

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

We’re big fans of the rapper 50 cent!

Or, as we call him in Zimbabwe, 400 billion dollars.

I must have a big nose

I was doing the backstroke in the pool and the lifeguard started screaming "SHARK...SHARK"

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

What did the little Nissan truck say to the big Nissan truck?

"Oh Nissan!"

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

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The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

Texans fan

A guy goes into a Houston bar with a Dachshund under his arm. The dog is decked out in a Texans jersey and helmet and is festooned with Texans pompoms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here!"
The guy begs him, "Please we're both big Texans fans and the TV at my house is broken....

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

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Since women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work at?

IHOP😜

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There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ...

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It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when you have a big dick

I'm just struggling to fit in

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back. I don't know how big its going to get!"

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

Why was the herbal railway a big success?

All the trains ran on thyme.

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision

It helps you reflect.

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

So he ca...

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the ...

A private eye recounts one of the cases he's worked in: "From the moment I saw her outside my office window, I knew she was in big trouble."

"Mainly because my office was located on the 7th floor."

I heard that alcoholism is a big problem in the ghost community…

They are all really into boos

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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Uranus is big enough to hold 73 Earths

74 if you relax

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How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but the lightbulb has to be very big.

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Papa"
The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"
The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,
"Single malt Scotch whisky and women with big tits...

An old joke in my native language.

In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.

The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question cor...

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "what type of music do you like?"


The other windmill replies, "well I'm a big metal fan."

Did you hear about the big winter storm in New York?

It got so cold that bankers were walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

A dad and his son get into a big argument one day

DAD: Go to your room right now

SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN’T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST

DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors!

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

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The pragmatic wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice hou...

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After 12 years of marriage…

is learning your spouse sucked 100 dicks a big deal, or is my wife overreacting?

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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

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A man and a woman get married in Arkansas

They have a big wedding with both their family's in attendance. They say their vows and ride off in a car on their way to their honeymoon. They get on a plane and fly to Cancun, booking a hotel for their stay. They prepare to spend the night consummating their love for one another, but then the woma...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are having a drink…

Bill says to tiger “I don’t understand it, how do you get you penis to be so big?” Tiger replies “I’ll tell you Bill. Every night before I got to sleep I whack it three times off the bedside table.” So Bill thinks “Right I’m going home to try this.”

So he goes home and gets himself ready for ...

A bear walks into a bar

He says to the bartender: “I’ll have a beer………………and a shot of whisky”. The bartender says: “sure, but what’s with the big pause?” The bear says: “I don’t know, I was born with them”

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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A man is walking down the beach..

A man is walking down the beach at dusk when he comes across a girl laying on a blanket watching the sunset. She doesn’t have any arms or legs and she’s crying.

He feels bad for her and is compelled to ask “Sweetie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” “Well Mr, I don’t have any arms or legs, I...

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

What did the narcissist say to the cannibal?

“I’m kind of a big meal”

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