UPJOKE
greatmassivehugegenerouslargecolossalgiganticenormousgargantuanimmensegianthumongoussizeablemonstroustremendous

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

I don’t see what the big deal about Black Friday is.

All Fridays matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua tied up out front"?

A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my Chihuahua"

"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"

" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"

" I think he choked on him".

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?

They probably don't like each other.

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

What do you call a dinosaur that is large, immense, huge, collosal, gigantic, vast, enormous, titanic, massive and big?

A thesaurus.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A tractor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it’s always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

There's a big difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US.

A UK bee carries pollen, a US bee carries data

A family of country bumpkins visit the big city for the first time.

A family of farmers--Ma, Pa, and their son Jim--take a trip to the city and walk into a shopping mall for the first time. They gape in awe at all the shiny surfaces and gleaming store windows full of fancy objects. Before long, the boys wander off and leave Ma ogling a kiosk of crystal jewelry.
<...

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty.

Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If men driving big cars have small penises, what do men driving a Mini have?

A shitty car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what's big and hard and has cum in the middle?

Cucumber

Why do gorillas have big nostrils

Because they have big fingers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

After going to the casino every weekend for years, I finally won big. A brand new Nissan.

I call it my Vice Versa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my dick is so big

If you laid it out on a keyboard it'd stretch all the way from A to Z

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

What is big, red, hard and bad for your teeth?

a brick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a man who brags about having a big dick?

Ego-testicle

Why was the big bird sitting all alone?

He was ostrich sized.

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy. Her mother asks her, "Where did you get that candy!?"

"Little Johnny paid me five dollars to climb the flagpole at school!" she laughed. "So I bought candy!"

"You friggin' idiot!" her mom says. "He was just try...

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he's not big enough.

How mean is that...making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone?!

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

Big Bird walks into a bar

Big Bird walks into a gritty bar off Sesame Street and sits all alone and orders a beer. "Sometimes I just feel left out by all my peers. You know, all alone," he complains to the bartender. "I guess I just feel ostrich sized."

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny gets a big surprise....

Little Johnny is walking home one day from school when he looks over into the farmers field and gets a big grin on his face. He runs the rest of way home, bursts through the front door and says...

"Mom! Dad! You'll never guess what I just saw!"
"Well go on then Johnny, tell us." His father...

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?

Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum

a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wang is so big...

If I put it on a keyboard, it stretches from A to Z.


Oh, wait a minute...

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

Little Jimmy said to his big brother: "Look at this! On my juice box! It says it's made with 100% pure concrete!"

"No no no, Jimmy. Concentrate!"

"I am concentrating!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a log.

The big moron fell off!! Why didn’t the little one?


Because, he was a little more on!!!

- this was my FAVORITE joke as a kid. I still like it.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor...

... and says, "Doctor, can you help me? My vagina is gigantic!"

The doctor puts her in the stirrups and before he begin examining her, even he is shocked at how big her vagina appears.

The doctor asks "Surely something happened here, is there there something you aren't telling me?"...

The Angel on the Christmas Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Cl...

Someone told me I should talk to my parents more, but I'm too big.

In order to talk to my parents, I have to be a medium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big fat Texan goes to a ranch to pick out some cattle.

The owner lines them up and the buyer walks down the line until he sees one he likes.

He pulls out two pieces of bread and stuffs them in the cow's ears.

"Hey! .. What are you doing?" asks the owner. "Stop that!"

The Texan replies, "I can make my sandwich any damn way I want!"

This is a conspiracy by Big Alarm Clock

wake up people

Oh I thought of a really funny joke about Buddy Holly , Ritchie Valens , and the big bopper

I decided not to tell it . Because it won’t land good.

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

I recently came across a big sum of money.

That´s the reason I got fired from the Bank.

Guy takes his girl to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

I recently learned the phrase Stockholm Syndrome

I wasn’t a big fan of it at first, but I’ve grown to love it

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

Big game hunter brags..

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

A big burly guy approaches a store clerk and asks to buy half a head of cabbage.

All they had at the time were full heads in cling-wrap. After a few back and forth, the clerk heads to the office exasperated and asks his manager. 'There's a 300-pound gorilla outside asking to buy half-a-head of cabbage'. From his manager's facial expression, he realized he's been followed. 'And t...

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.

Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."

"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Brittney says.

"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin...

I kicked the big C to the curb!

And after leaving my wife, I beat cancer too!

TIL, Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the Bell....

Thankfully, his brother Richard reported sick that day .

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

A girl gets a thorn in her hand...

On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friends house. Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw my next door neighbor with big boobs, laying topless by the pool

Just wish his wife would do the same

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

… I rang the door bell, didn’t I?

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that
read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICA...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

For all the toys he brings to the good little girls and boys.



What were you thinking, you perv?!?

Highway to Hawaii

A man comes walking on the beach and finds a bottle. He picks it up and removes the stopper. Out of the bottle comes the Spirit of the Lamp. "Thank you for letting me out, I have been locked up for 140 years. I would like to give you the opportunity to have a wish fulfilled"

"Thank you, I've...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

Everything's Big in Texas

A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds.

Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bart...

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany…

When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of four are riding down the highway in the family car….

Dad is driving, Mom is in the front passenger seat, boy and girl are in the back seat. When all of a sudden a BIG purple dildo flies up and smacks the windshield and flies right over the top of the car. Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad, neither know what to say, then Mom tries to play it off and s...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people tell big dick jokes, some people tell small dick jokes

My dicks a medium- it talks to ghosts.

A sponge was talking to her friend the sea urchin about her upcoming vacation.

“Do you have any big plans?”, asked the sea urchin.

“Not really,” answered the sponge. “I'm just going to soak up the scenery.”

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

I met my new neighbor today. Turns out he's Swiss.

I told him I'd never met someone from Switzerland before, and asked what he likes most about his home country.

He shrugged. "I dunno. The flag's a big plus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Italian Mama

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. ...

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

Do you want to know a statistic about gambling addicts?

98% of them quit before a big win!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do women say to men with big dicks?

Had a feeling you would have to check the answer small Weiner

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. No Time.”

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

Yo mama so big, the stork couldn't carry her...

They needed a *crane*.

A father and a daughter are travelling in a big foreign city

They are attacked by a group of robbers, and they are left destitute. The father breaks into tears.

"My daughter, what are we going to do now? We are doomed!" He cries, hopeless.

"No, we are not", says the daughter smiling, and hands him his wallet with all the money in place.
...

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town.

I wanted to learn everything "country" so that I could fit in. As I was
searching for Widow Jones' farm, I got lost on the back roads.
I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.
He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me
how to get to the J...

Ok guys, so l know where the Big Apple is. But can any of you tell me, I need to know where the

Minneapolis

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Premature ejaculator:

Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smoking dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of dru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.