Still Jokes - 128 Hilarious Still Jokes

Trump still has a chance at 270

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

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Hey, I bet you're still a virgin.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

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Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

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Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

I’m into girls, and I’m into guys, yet I’m still single.

So I guess you could say I’m all bi-myself.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

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I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin

Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.

.

The good news is that I just heard she is gettin...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I called Shotgun long before everyone else, but still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

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A 21-year-old Texan was still a virgin, so he travelled to a brothel in Dallas to see what he’d been missing.

He got the address of a reputable place and in no time at all he was in bed with an attractive hooker. She sensed he was inexperienced, so she took his hand and placed it on her money maker. “Is that what you’re looking for?” He said “I don’t know ma’am. I’m a stranger in these parts.”

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

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I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.

She just couldn't take it any longer.

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Racecar backwards is still racecar.

But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

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A woman had been married 3 times, but was still a virgin

She marries a 4th time and on her wedding night her new husband noticed her extraordinary excitement and asked why? She said she'd been married 3 times before but was still a virgin. Her new husband asked her to elaborate.

She told him:

"My first husband, John, was a Gy...

Why was Billy Joel's laundry still wet?

Because he didn't start the dryer

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in...

She really wanted a daughter...

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

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My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

My date asked me why i was still living with my parents at 24 years of age?

I told her whose parents was i supposed to live with?

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Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

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Irish Prostitute- An old joke but still good!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff...

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My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

I asked Siri why I'm still single...

It opened the front camera.

I still remember the day they pronounced my dad dead!

I couldn't believe I'd been saying dad wrong all those years..

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if two vegans get pissed at each other, is it still called beef?

No, because it's beyond meat

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

The pool on the titanic is still full...

Let that sink in

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I can't believe they're still together after all that shit!

Looks like my ass cheeks are really inseparable.

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

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I'm 45 and I still haven't lost my virginity yet, but I'm proud of it.

You wanna know why? Because I'm not a "loser".

l made $48m today and I’m STILL having Burger King for dinner.

Just another day working at the Federal Reserve.

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I still remember my dad’s last words before he died…

He said: “I’ll pass.”

Pencils can be really sharp, but they are still allowed on planes.

That’s because… they needed to draw the line somewhere.

My four-year-old nephew still can’t say ‘please’ in Spanish.

That’s poor for four.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he died.3

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP.....

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

It’s impossible to talk to my dad during breakfast because he still reads the newspaper.

One can say….he is behind The Times.

People be LGBTQ+ and still be dressing bad

Like what were you doing in the Closet the whole time

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

Yo Mama so fat, You can hide behind her back and still be visible...

Because of Gravitational Lensing.

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

I’m bald but still have my comb.

I just can’t part with it.

What does it mean when you lose a shoe but still survive?

You’re a sole survivor.

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I...

Chuck Norris's mother is 102 years old and still alive

Even old age is afraid to kill his mom.

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

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My wife still thinks I’m sexy…

Whenever I walk by her she says, “what an ass!”

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

A tipsy guy stumbled into a church one evening, and to his surprise, he found the priest still there, preparing for the next day's sermon.

The priest, with a kind smile, approached the wobbly fellow and said, "My son, it looks like you've found your way to the house of the Lord, even in your condition."

The tipsy man looked at the priest, swaying slightly, and replied, "Well, Father, I figured I'd visit before the wine runs out...

PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!

Only 25 looters per store please.

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Still a virgin,,,

A couple got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love making, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, ...

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

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An old one yet still so funny!

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says...

Why can't bikes stand still?

Because they are two tyred

I'm still using Office 2010 ...

For lack of a better Word ...

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

An old man went bald but still carries his old comb everywhere with him in his pocket…

He just can’t part with it.

Why NFSW tag still a thing??

Like any of us still have a job.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.

It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (...

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

After all this time, I still haven’t tested positive for Covid…

…wouldn’t it be funny if it was just because I wasn’t sticking the swab far enough into my ear?

It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.

You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round.

When vegans get into an argument is it still called beef?

I have no idea. But if it gets physical, all vegans know the art of foot karate.

They call it tofu.

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My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

My wife asked if I was still attracted to her

I replied “I married a 6 and now you’re a 10, what do you think?”

She walked away happy,

Which is odd because I was talking about her dress size.

Is this sub still active???

I haven't seen a post all year...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, yes.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

My Aunt Betty lost both her feet in a tragic accident but she's still taller than her sister Susan which means Betty is...

Lack toes and taller Aunt.

Still waiting for the FedEx joke?

OP didn't deliver.

I kept telling them I wasn’t a plumber, but they still offered me the job.

It took a while..to let that sink in.

Still growing?

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

There is a French kid at school that just cannot sit still....

he's Oliver DuPlace

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Does he still love me?

Man and Woman are lying in bed and thinking:

Woman:
He is lying next to me. He doesn't hug me.
He is looking at the ceiling. Who knows what he is thinking about?
We are together for four years. That is too long for replacing me for some younger and more beautiful woman.
Well I ga...

I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy"

So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.

Judas: Still on for friday?

"Jesus: friday?"

"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."

"Jesus: The what?"

"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."

Wife to husband on their son's 10th birthday: Honey, Kevin still doesn't look like either of us. Why is that?

Husband: Of course he doesn't! Don't you remember when we were leaving the hospital and he had soiled his diaper? You told me to go change him. And I did!

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