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Do Jokes

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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What do you call a doctor that inspects penises?

A Guynecologist

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

Do you know why hurricanes are just like women?

Because when they come they’re wet and wild and when they leave they take your dog and house with them.

what do french people call a bad Thursday

Trajeudi

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

What do you call someone wearing a mismatched pair of socks?

A heterosoxual.

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.

An enema of the state.

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

What do they call the currency in Kazakhstan?

The Almaty dollar

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his bum

What do you call a dinosaur with a big vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino?

Ell if I know

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

What do u call a woman with only one leg (left) ?

Eileen Wright

How do cyclical pirates swear?

By Recursing.

How do you derail a Norfolk Southern Train?

Put it on the tracks.

What do you get when you throw an elephant in the pool?

Wet.

What do you get when you throw two elephants in the pool?

Swimming trunks.

What do you get when you cross KFC with a gentlemen's club?

Chicken strips!

What workplace game do scientists like to play?

Formaldehyde-and-go-seek

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

An atom walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "I will have a glass of your finest Scotch Whiskey."

The bartender says, "Do you have the money to pay for this?"

The atom says, "Of course I do."

The bartender replies, "I don't believe you, get outta here!"

The atom leaves, and a patron says t...

What do you call a yeti with a 6 pack?

The abdominal snowman

What do you call a Polish ape?

A Chimpanski.

Why do they say “break a leg” in the theater?

Because they want to see you in a cast.

What do you call a dictator who can't drive a manual transmission?

Stalin

What do you get when you cross the Titanic and the Atlantic Ocean?

Halfway.

What do you call a man who steals a lot?

Rob

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What do you call the online version of a popular Japanese desert?

An e-mochi

What do you call a magic dog?

A labra-cadabra-dor!

What do you call a man who's so strong he can lift a car?

Jack

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focus

Two poor country girls are broke and decide to do some nude modeling. Cherylynn has posed for the photographer before so she knows the process.

The photog invites them into his studio and offers them a drink. Darlene,being nervous, asks Cherylynn "whass that there in that jug?". The reply is ...

What do Martin Sheen and Donald Trump have in common?

They both played a president on TV

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

what do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?

A force of habit

Do you know why they started charging people to fill their tires?

Inflation.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

What do you call a Hogwarts teacher who's been made redundant.

Severance Snape

What do you call a sad community of melons?

A melancholy melon colony.

I asked a gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits

He said, “how flexible are you?”

So I told him I couldn’t make Tuesdays

What does a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do?

Pass the bar

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Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

What do you call an ape with the voice of an angel?

Christina Agorilla

What do you call a Pharoah that rarely farts?

Tutankhamen

(Toot uncommon)

What do Vegan Zombies Crave?

GRAINS !!!!

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”

What do a Food Network host and Oedipus have in common?

They both say “umami” far more than is appropriate.

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

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A guy goes to see his doctor

The doctor, as per routine, asks, "What brings you in today?"

The guy sighs and says, "My penis is orange."

The doctor looks up from his chart, slightly confused and askes, "Is that a metaphor or...."

The guy stops him and says, "No, doctor. My dick is bright orange."

Eve...

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

What language do male teabags speak?

Hebrew

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Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

Tearjerker.

What do you call a very brief introduction to a Microsoft program?

A 4 word forward for Word.

A man got brought to the police station for questioning

When the police asked if he had anything to say for himself he said, "I am the son of two world famous artists you can't do this to me” so the cops apologize and say "you are Frida Gogh”

How do you know a girl likes you?

If she gives you a handy, you know she likes you. Especially if she uses the proper handy motion.

How do you know a girl loves you?

She'll give you another handy!

Because what's love but a second handy motion?

Sorry, Tina Turner was just on the radio.

What money do they use on Superman's homeworld?

Kryptocurrency

What do you call an Italian rectal thermometer?

Innuendo

Vacuum Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the First house on the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman entered the living room, opened a big black plastic bag, and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam,...

So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?

"So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?"

"I use Melvin."

"You mean Kelvin?"

"Nah mate. Melvin. YO MELVIN! IS IT COLD OUTSIDE!?"

A factory manager in China heard about the 4 day work week

Loves it. Started making all his employees do it twice a week.

Why don’t the lobsters in those tanks at restaurants and grocery stores ever greet us or ask us how we’re doing?

Because they’re shellfish.

What do you call a group of Canadian cows?

Moose.

Guy and a penguin pull up to a gas station, guy walks into the gas station…

Gas station cashier: ‘Woah dood, why ya gotta penguin in your car?!’

The guy: ‘he wont stop following me around… I don’t know what to do with him.’

Gas station cashier: ‘Bruh!! Take him to the zoo!’

The guy: ‘Great idea! The ZOO! I hadn’t thought of that, thank you!’

*ONE...

"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

How

A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.

"Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.

"Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.

"Okay, wher...

What does garlic do when it’s hot…

It takes its cloves off

A badass is driving with his friend in a Ferrari, and he speeds past a red light

His friend shouts, "What are you doing?! You just ran that light!"

"I'm just a badass like that, what can I say?" He laughs.

He continues to speed through each red light, and his friend cowers and shouts at his friend all the way.

"I can't take it anymore! We're going to get hi...

Q. How do you turn water into Holy Water?

A. Boil the Hell out of it.

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Little Johnny and his Ranch

Little Johnny was a rancher. He owned cattle, horses, and things all of the sort. One day, a black SUV had pulled up. An FBI agent got out of the car.

"Are you little Johnny?"

"Yessir."

"I'm here to investigate a murder. Someone was killed down the road, you mind if I take a pee...

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

On a blind date, the girl told me, “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Me: I’m terrible with dates.

Her: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine so far.

Me: Christmas is on July 4th.

What do you call a cheating husband?

A penetraitor.

What do you call a dictionary thief?

I don’t know :(

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

A university professor...

... is sitting in the cafeteria, having lunch. One of the students sits at his table without asking.

"Since when" says the professor "do pigs and eagle eat together?".

"OK", says the student, "I'll fly away."

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fastest thing

4 guys are discussing the fastest thing in the world.
First guy says thinking as thoughts instantly pop in your head.

2nd guy says blinking because we do it all the time and barely notice our eyes closing.

3rd guy says light since when you turn a light on the room is instantly fille...

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Guy goes into a pet shop….

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner “what’s the most bizarre pet you’ve got in here?” And he replies “I’ve got a talking budgie!” So he bring it out and sure enough he jumps up on his perch and shouts “I’m a Glesga budgie and I’m as hard as fuck” he thinks this is brilliant, buys the budgi...

What do you call it when a rattlesnake can't make the rattle noises anymore?

reptile-dysfunction

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A woman joins a country club

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a....

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

What do you call an r/clevercomebacks post that has been posted before?

A riposte

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What do you call a group of knights standing in a circle ejaculating on each other?

A Sircumference

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee...

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee, and he sits down to order a couple beers.

The bartender notices something *off* about him, and he goes to the man after he's done with his first two beers and asks, "You're not from around here, ain't cha?".

The man goes "Nah, I...

I asked the IT guy at the office, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually talk to her about my career.”

What do you call a blind fascist?

A Not-See

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

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What do you call naked men standing on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

Little Johnny doing Math

The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

Why do sunburned people get more dates?

Because they're a peeling . . .

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Sex is like pizza...

if you’re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you’re doing.

What do u call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

What do you call an illogical joke about Indian food ?

What do you call an illogical joke about Indian food

A naan sequitur

What do you call a lizard that can punctuate five times in a row?

A comma comma comma comma comma chameleon!

A man walks a boy into the woods. The boy say he mister it’s getting really dark and im scared

The man replied how do you think I feel I need to walk back alone

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere, Over The Rainbow!

Where do dads store all of their jokes?

In the Dadabase

What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara?

Dairy Queen

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The Gorillator

So a guy wakes up one weekend morning, brew himself a coffee and goes outside to grab his newspaper. Only problem, there is a gorilla chilling in his front yard tree...

The man, troubled, tries to call the animal control agents but they just tell him they cannot do anything about the gorilla ...

George the mailman

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope....

boxers

I was in my room the other day pulling off my boxers when my mum walked in and said "you spoil them dogs you do".

When do you know if you have perfect pitch?

When you pitch an accordion into a dumpster and it perfectly smashes a banjo.

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A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary...

... when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It's getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says "I don't think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I'll take the couch, you can have the bed." She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the ...

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A man dies in a car accident

A man named Burt is killed in a car accident, and his face
is mangled beyond recognition.

Because he has no family, his two drinking buddies are
summoned to the hospital to identify his body.

The nurse removes the sheet from his body, and upon
seeing his disfigured face, the t...

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pharmacy question...

Went into the pharmacy today and sheepishly asked the attractive lady behind the counter if they do Viagra.
"We do" she replied.
I questioned "Can I get it over the counter?"
She said "Depends how many you take".

What do you call a teacher who had too much Taco Bell?

A tooter.

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Smoking

Do you smoke after sex?



I don't know; I've never checked.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

How do computers get drunk??

You know... they just take SCREENSHOTS

How do you make a tissue dance..?

..You put a little boogie in it..

Where do horse go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.

>! Just kidding, they get shot. !<

Why do Scotsmen drink so much?

To slur their speech enough to do the accent.

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What do you get when you cross a human with a couch?

A Homosectional.

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I asked a prostitute how I was doing (classic joke)

I asked a prostitute how I was doing and she said “Three nots”
“What’s Three Nots?”
“You’re not hard, it’s not in and you’re not getting your money back”

My boss calls me, “The Computer” but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

what do a Womans Dress and a Womans Adress have in common?

if you look up either one without consent it's Inappropriate creepy And not recommended by any means.

In what order do you play Classical Music Songs?

Bach to Bach.

What do horses do when they are not eating?

They are horsing around

Made up by my 5 year old daughter…

A man visits a lawyer and asks “How much do you charge for legal advice?”

The lawyer says “I’ll answer three questions for $500.”

The man says “Don’t you think that’s rather expensive?”

The lawyer says “Yes. What’s your third question?”

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Once upon a time there were three friends

Once upon a time there were three friends who had three addictions.

One was a smoker, one was an alcoholic, and the other, a sex addict.

Since their addictions were beginning to be detrimental to each other's health, they decided to see a doctor. Once in the doctor's office, the doctor...

What can you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

I can't believe my doctor charged me $20,000 for a circumcision! He didn't even do it right.

What a rip-off.

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand seeing their man have a good time!

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

A man is in court to get a divorce

He tells the judge "I just can't take it anymore, every night she's out past midnight jumping from bar to bar."

The judge asks, "What's she doing at all those bars?"

The man replies, "She's looking for me."

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

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A man is driving back home with a smile

His wife had promised him sex once he returned home. Half way there he had a brilliant idea. He pulled up to the side of the road, layed under his car so it would look like he is fixing something, closed his eyes, thought of his wife and started to masturbate. A few minutes go by and the man suddenl...

How do two arsonists hook up?

A Match on Tinder.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

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Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

Where do pirates play videogames?

The arrrrghcade!

What do you get if you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

Why do they put bar codes on the ships in Norway?

So they can scandinavian .

Moral of the story...

The teacher gave her class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back tell their stories.

Cathy began, "My father's a farmer and we were taking our eggs to market in a basket when we hit a bump in the road ...

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Tarzan

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his...

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

How do we really know the ocean is friendly?

It waves.

What do you call a pile of cats?

Meowtain.

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David sets up Andy to go on a blind date

David sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Melissa, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly? What do I do if we don't connect" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." D...

what was the 1 legged man doing at the atm ?

Checking his balance

Q. Why do Native Americans hate snow?

A. Because it's White and it settles on their land.

Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble are relaxing at home one afternoon, when...

...Barney turns to Fred and asks, "Hey Fred, you wanna get high?"

Fred replies, "Yeah, a dab'll do."

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

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What do you call putting an Altoid in her butt?

Her-ass-mint

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