Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?

Bob.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Posting this for a friend who thinks this a funny joke.. what do think? (NSFW)

Nobody: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Me: Idk

Nobody: an Uber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say when you catch your friend having sex with a jar of mayonnaise?

Fucking Hellmann.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

“The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

CHURCH

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

How do you say "No TV" in Russia?

Nietflix

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

Teacher: how do you spell ‘crocodile’

Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.

Teacher: no, that’s wrong.

Kid: no, I’m right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

Teslas do not have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do jokes and vaginas have in common?

>!The bad ones are really cheesy.!<

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class?

Doctor

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common.

Both end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

What do Pro-Vaxxers and Anti-Vaxxers have in common?

They'll never be fully vaccinated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

A Meanderthal.

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows!

What do you call a snowman hooker?

A FROST-titute.

A hooker said that she would do anything if I offered her $100…

Guess who’s getting his house repainted for $100?

What do you call a sneaky cow?

Invisibull.

What do you call Batman when he is hurt?

Bruised Wayne

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s?

Because they can't even.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?

Eleven.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

Wife stops husband from doing what he wants

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Buddy but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the state...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

Woman stopped me at the station and said for twenty bucks she'd do things my wife would never dream of ...

I gave her twenty bucks and she ironed three shirts.

Where do electricians go when their job is done?

They go h-ohm.

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?

Because they have the best dating techniques.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubrication

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They are both Paris sites

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?

Megasoreass

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people....

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Smallpox.

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because very few of them know how to dance.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a little shit?

A dumpling.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

How do you get the attention of a pervert? [NSFW]

Use an nsfw tag

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks th...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a bungee jumper and hooker have in common?

They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

How do non-binary ninjas kill people?

They/them

What do you call a duck with a drug problem?

A quack head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

How do redditors get upvotes?

It’s really a piece of cake

How do you stop a charging rhino?

Unplug it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a warehouse full of prostitutes?

Orifice Depot

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

What vaccine do hippies get?

Astral Zeneca.

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a vibrator on a Christmas tree?

A pornament.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

Where do French gangsters hang out?

The baghetto.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4 chin teller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

How do Millennials fireproof their homes?

By never owning one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prince fucking a princess ?

Princest



Yeah i'll leave

My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth?

Dead in a tunnel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

We do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play needs a cast...

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

What do men and Excel have in common?

They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.

What do cheaters do after they die?

They lie still

What do you call a mentally challenged rapper?

Why a rap autist of course.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

What do you use all the time but rarely look at?

Your drivers license

Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible teacher?

What do Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Ate dead people.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?





Take it for a drag. (Credit: my daughter)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her and tell her

What do you get when you cross a map and an alligator?

A navigator




(Thought of this one myself I’m proud of it even if it ain’t good)

Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11?

10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two

Some people think the testes and the prostate do the same thing, but that's not true...

there's a vas deferens between the two

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over bay, they would be bagels!

What do Spanish speakers scream on a roller-coaster?

Nosotros...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Fiction

Credit to the movie The Starving Games

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do dildos and tofu have in common?

\>: they are meat substitutes:<

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad?

A faux pa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a little old lady yell "fuck"?

Put another little old lady next to her and have her yell BINGO!

rip Grandma, one of your favorites

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Magicians don't answer "how did you do that"

because those are trick questions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a donkey with wings?

A pegasass.

What does a time traveler do when he wanted more dessert?

He goes back for seconds

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What do you call a fascist aquatic mammal?

Adolphin.

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

What do you call a belt made of watches?

... A waist of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

How do a violinist and a cellist perform a 69?

The cellist fingers the G with some vibrato, and the violinist is doing a bouncing spiccato on the D.

What do you call a singing desktop computer?

A Dell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

What do you get when you drop a smart phone into a deep fryer?

An Apple fritter

I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands.

I mean, I'm usually wrong. But, I can guess.

A brunette woman was walking along a set of railroad tracks, repeating to herself, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

A blonde woman saw the brunette and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just walking along a railroad track and saying 42, 42, 42," replied the brunette.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure."

So the two women walked along the track repeating, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

Another bl...

How do you tell if your grandfather has sensitive balls?

Give them a test tickle.

Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto

So they can be wanted.

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?

The Wok.

How do you surprise a blind man?

You leave the plunger in the toilet.

Why do you see a blonde crawling in the supermarket?

Because she is looking for low prices.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scaler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the noises a prostitute makes during sex?

Hormones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

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