What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9?

Because you need 3 square meals a day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?

Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

What do you call Joe Biden's mom

Joe mama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

What do you call an indecisive potato?

A hesitater.

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France

What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

Why do astronauts use Linux?

Because you can't open Windows in space.

How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)

Just add the NSFW tag.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

What do you call a group of Karens?

A Home Owners Association

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin from Alabama?

An orphan.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

Do you know what China is famous for?

\[REDACTED\]

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?

Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen

Are you smart enough to do this.

Say the opposite of these words.

Always.

Coming.

From.

Take.

Me.

Down.

What do women and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them..

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it all day but they don’t get to taste it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

How do you tie two Hondas together?

...with Accord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they've had?

Because it's well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

I over heard some guy bragging about his Mustang doing 0-90 in 2.5 seconds

I confronted him and asked that's gotta be in Kilometers or something. He replied no, in Decibels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner during a funeral?

Mourning Wood.

If a person who speaks three languages is trilingual, and a person who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

It doesn't matter. Just make sure it's not the language they speak beforehand

Why do atheists have trouble with exponents in math?

They don’t believe in a higher power....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the testicles and prostate have in common?

Nothing. There’s a vas deferens between the two.

What do you call a dog who can perform magic?

A labracadabrador

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

What do you get when you cross a mobster with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand

Why do native Americans hate the month April?

Because April showers bring may flowers..
and mayflowers bring the white people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow that's masturbating?

Beef Stroganoff.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

What do you call a man with multiple noses?

No one nose.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi?
On my cake day?

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I imagine doing a massive shit is a lot like giving birth;

You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

What do you call a chicken that’s afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while.

What do you call a group of sad pitbulls?

A pittie party

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just after my girlfriend had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a horny shape?

An erectangle.

What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage ?

Garbage.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

what do would happen if pigs could fly?

idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham Boogers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

How do yo get a farm girl to like you?

A tractor

How do you get karma on Reddit?

Piece of cake!

Do you know why farts smell?

So the deaf can enjoy them too!

What do you call 4 mexicans in quick sand?

Quatro Cinco

How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid?

Rename it uterus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares.

They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”

What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

What do Elon Musk and Thomas Edison have in common?

They both got rich off of Tesla.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do men look at their wives' faces during sex?

I did it once. She looked very angry while she was watching from the window. I would not recommend it.

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

Why do nurses always carry a red pen with them ?

In case they need to draw blood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get your wife to scream during sex?

Video call her when you're banging your girlfriend

What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

It goes back 4 Seconds!

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic?

Halfway.

What do you call an expired avocado?

A guacamoldy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

You bore a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around it. When the bear takes a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the opposite of a prostitute?

An egg. It gets laid then bought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Albert Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of Genius

Where do the Sith hang out after school?

The Darth Mall.

What do you call a werewolf, who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?

Unawarewolf.

What do we want?

Airplane flybys

When do we want them?

Nyyyyeeeeeoooooooowwww!

What do millennial eskimos do Friday night with girls they like?

Net fish and chill.

Why do scientists don't have doorbells in their house?

Because they want to win no-bell prize¡

What do you call a cow on a pogo stick?

A milkshake

How do you keep a Redditor on the edge?

I will tell you tomorrow.

Why do ants don't go to church.?

Because they are in sects.

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

What do we call a miner's climax?

An oregasm

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roaming Catholic

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

You park your car, man!

Do you know who's bad at coding?

Non-Binary people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you say boobs in ancient egyptian?

Nefertitty

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a big breasted Egyptian woman?

Nefertitty

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework

she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

An interviewer asks Putin, "Do you ever think there'll be a female president?"

"Of course not," Putin replies

"Why?" the interviewer inquires

"Am I female?" Putin responds



^(btw free navalny)

How do Jewish skiers greet each other?

Slalom

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

Do you want to hear what’s in the middle of every joke?

Ok

What do you get when you cross a chimpanzee with a rhinoceros?

A meeting with the ethics committee and swift removal of your research funding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did a vegetarian do to fuck up?

They made a misteak

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