UPJOKE
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Do Jokes

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

Wife: Do men wipe after they pee?

Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors?

So the drivers could see the battlefield.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

tiger wouldn't do that

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession

to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I...

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

(NSFW) How do you lure a pervert?

Just add the NSFW tag.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the Playstation.

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do woman call men with huge cocks?

I knew you had to click to check

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

Why do Scotsmen wear a kilt?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, girl ant.

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

How do you annoy a Texan?

Just say your power grid is working!

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

She replied "yes of course!"

I said "I banged your sister".

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]

Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?

*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.

Why do Norwegians have barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do legos and boobs have in common?

They are both made for kids but daddies usually play with them.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”

“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?”

“No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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