This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)

Just add the NSFW tag

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

Boss: Why do you-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: What is your biggest wea-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.

I think I have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. How do I know?

I just came to that conclusion.

A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.

**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.

**Wife:** Never.

**H:** Pistol; three letters.

**W:** Gun.

**H:** Disgust; three letters.

**W:** Ugh.

**H:** Charity; four letters.

**W:** Give.

**H:** Female sheep; three letters.

**W:** Ewe.
<...

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn’t at least 10% off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Germans love about Americans?

When you say Nazi, people no longer think of Germany.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Why do British people say British like Bri ish?

Because they drank the t.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?


C'mon, you know the rules!!

What do you call a fat person in Europe?

An American tourist

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

What do you call a Roman Emperor, without his epileptic pills?

Julius Seizure

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a hormone?

You fuck her.

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie boner?

A reserection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they literally can’t even.

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" Have In Common?

Icy dead people.

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

What do you call a cow with 2 legs

Your mom

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

What do you call a dog underwater?

A Scooby diver


*My seven year old asked me to post this here.

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

How do you spell the word “candy” with only two letters?

c and y

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?

A quarterback

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

What do you call a deaf gynecologist? ( nsfw)

A lip reader

How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irishman?

None.

How do people lose their kids in the mall......?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowtain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale...

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Person 1:Do you want to hear my Batman impression ?

Person 2: Sure!

Person 1: AARGH NO! Not the Kryptonite!

Person 2: That’s Super Man!

Person 1: Thanks, I’ve been practicing it

What do you call an apology written only with dots and dashes?

ReMorse code.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

In which city do fat people stay?

Obesity.

Son : Dad, how do I catch fish?

Dad : Just throw this clickbait into the water

Son : And then what?

Dad : What happens next will shock you

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

“Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?”

“Ten.”

“Ten what?”

“Nine”

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code!

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef!

A cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

A cow with 2 legs?

YO MAMA

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of socks?

Just in case they get a hole in one!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?

Genie: look at your crotch.

Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.

Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

What do you call a chicken haunting your home?

A Poultrygeist.

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

How do I get to the top of r/jokes?

Piece of cake.

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?

To dissolve the sugar

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped

What do a pregnant teenager and her fetus think at the same time?

"My mom is going to kill me"

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”

Because every play has a cast

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day?

Extra Karma... I hope.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

*FULL*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when Albert Einstein masturbates?

A stroke of genius.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

How do you know if someone is just farming for karma?

They only post on their cake day

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

I caught my son chewing electrical cords

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

What do rats like on their birthday?

Mice cream and cake!

C'mon, you know the rules!!

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Just like any other season

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

What do you give a house that smells bad?

A basemint

How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time?

Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".

What do you call a fish wearing a tie?

So-FISH-ticated

;)

What do Alexander the great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

same middle name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

(NSFW) What do you say when someone enters the sperm bank?

Get a load of this guy.

Similarly, what do you say when someone leaves the sperm bank?
Thanks for coming.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do women and dog poop have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

What do you call a bear with four arms, four legs, and four sets of eyes?

An Octobear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog asks a cat : Why do u always hide when having sex ????????

Cat replies: You want people to steal my style like they stole yours?, NEVER!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do black people only have nightmares

Because the last black person to have a dream got assassinated

What do you call the end of a boxer's joke?

The punchline.

What do you call someone born in the 1800's?

Dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

What do you call a woman with one leg

ilean

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote?

Please respond quickly!

What do Inspector Clouseau and a gigolo have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

What do you call a person refusing to wear a mask now days?

Maskhole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs....

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in a swimming pool?
Bob


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s on the wall?
Art


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in front of a door?
Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms or leg...

What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross an arab man with an Egyptian man?

Nothing, in both those countries homosexuality is illegal and it is banned.

How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?

Pls help me. The size of the problem is growing by the second.

What do you call a group of Karen's?

A HOA!!! (Homeowners Association)

What do a school bus and your wife's throat have in common?

They both hold kids

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While on a date with a therapist, how do you start off the conversation?

So...tell me more about myself?

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

What do you call a mechanical encyclopedia?

A facts machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return?

a fucking STICK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who flies a spaceship to Uranus?

An asstronaut.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

Interviewer: Do you have any question about the job that you are applying for?

Applicant: How much is the salary?

Interviewer: Initially $40,000. Later it could go up to $80,000

Applicant: I will start later then.

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

Do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

I don't know, but do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

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