UPJOKE
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What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

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What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

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what do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?

Wedding cake.

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

relative humidity.

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

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How do you know if your Husband watches porn?

Play the Pornhub intro loud. If he notices, he watches porn.


If he doesn't notice, he watches porn without the audio.

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says "Grazie". What do you say to her after that?

Prego.

How do you get the attention of a pervert? [NSFW]

Use an NSFW tag

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel?

Beat it, we're closed

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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(from my very proud 7-year-old) What do you call a duck's butt?

Buttquack!

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What do orgasms and pulses have in common

I don’t care if she has either

What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.


Too soon?

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?"

Me: "Jesus. She’s not THAT ugly."

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually.

How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Dress her as an altar boy

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What do you call a prostitute who works for free ?

A pro boner

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

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How do you find a pussy in Texas?

Look behind their badge

My wife asked, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?” I chuckled and replied...

"No, I think most kids smell that way!"

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

A flock of seagulls approach you. What do you do?

You run, you run so far away.

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

Why do French tanks have rear sight mirrors?

So the driver can see the battlefield

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

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What do you call two communists who masturbate together?

Cum-rades!







(I am not sorry, this was brilliant and I'm proud of it.)

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What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

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Why do men give their jacket to women when its cold ?

Because no guy wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

what do a vibrator and tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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What do you call a teenager who doesn't masturbate?

A liar

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

How do you stop a russian tank from advancing?

Shoot the soldier pushing it.

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry her

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

What do you call someone who gets paid not to work?

A shareholder.

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

What do you call a werewolf in plain sight?

A therewolf.

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

How do you seduce a photographer?

Turn off the lights and see if anything develops.

What do you call a VPN that isn’t private?

A proxymoron.

What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?

Pretty nuts

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled her aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

She winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

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I always insist that my dates do anal.

At first they are disgusted by the idea, but once they get used to wearing the strap-on they're fine.

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

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80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

what do you call a marine with an IQ of 70?

General!

A joke from my very proud wife: what do you call a tiny axolotl?

"An axolitl!!"

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what do you call a redditor in a wheelchair?

virgin mobile.

What do cops and firefighters have in common?

They both wanted to be firefighters.

how do you know when your girlfriends getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's clothes

How do you tell drunk drivers from stoned drivers?

Drunk drivers run stop signs. Stoned drivers stop and wait for them to turn green.

What do you call $100 when it's paid out in 20 dollar bills?

The Jackson 5

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

what do you call a pale, introvert nerd?

Fair and square

Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance...

What do you get when you cross an American with a Russian?

An investigation.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

What do you call a retired cowboy?

Deranged.

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

Why do Norwegians have barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Philoppe

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

What do you call a biologist that likes to be shamed & humliated in the bedroom?

Biodegradable

What do you call a boat full of mean potatoes?

A dictatorship

What do you call a hen that can count her own eggs?

A Mathemachicken!

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

What do you call a Texas cop in tactical gear?

A copsplayer.

"I'll do ANYTHING for an "A" in this class!"

"ANYTHING?!?" the professor asked.

"Yes," she said, "ANYTHING!"

"Will you . . . . study?"

What do you call a fear of giants?

Fe Fi Fo-bia

How do you kill a vegan vampire?

Drive a steak through their heart.

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

what illness do you get from sucking too many toes?

Diafeeties

Haha

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama installed it!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently." Puzzled, I asked...

"Is that one word or two?"

what do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work at?

IHOP!

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them?

So you can still eat them after usage

What do you call a Russian tank brigade returning from Ukraine?

An infantry platoon.

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

The other day I was wondering, what did people do for fun before the Internet?

I asked my 12 siblings, and they didn’t know either.

What do you call it when two insect siblings that get together?

An insectuous relationship

what do you call a chinese baby that was born too early?

sudden lee

whats something only a musician can do?

Finger A minor

What do you call a FBI barbecue party

A steak out

There are 3 things I can't do

1. Count

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What do you call a dinosaur that takes excellent care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

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A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

Her: "Women can do anything a man can do."

Me: "Oh yeah! Let's see you pee on the fire."

What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!

What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?

Astroknot

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon

What do you give the man who has everything?

Penicillin

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

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How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period its from

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

How do you say bye to a vampire?

So long sucker

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?

A large fortune

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Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

When a serial killer goes to a circus, who do they go to kill first?

They go for the Juggler

My friend had his leg amputated but he's doing well.

got a new job at ihop

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is >!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

What do you call a woman with no hands and no legs?

Carrie

What do you call an exploding duck?

A fire quacker.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

How do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso

What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?

Drunk

What do you call an idiot that contradicts himself?

An Oxy-moron!!

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak

What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil

What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug

What d...

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

When a girl asks "Do you love me?"

Don't say "nowwwww. That I... Can daaaaaaance"

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

What do you call heavily burnt pasta?

Al Dante.

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

Where do head lice go to pray?

The temple

haha.

-My Friend Devon

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do butt cheecks and butter have in common?

Both can be spread.

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