Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started?

A late boomer

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet

Cause they lactose

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man

Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin

What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

How do you cut the ocean in half?

A SEA-SAW

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S.

My friend went to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?

A 10% survival rate



I’m so sorry

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexic Association

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.



(I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Do not use "beef_stew" as a password!

It's not stroganoff.

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

Cardinal: Your holiness, do you like fried chicken?

Pope:yes

What do you get when you spell “man” backward ?

Flashbacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?

They like to beat the crowd

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do jokes and U.S. Presidents have in common?

This one fucking sucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a caring prostitute?

Someone who gives a fuck

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

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