Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

What do you call a dog floating in water?

A good buoy

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Guns don't kill people....

George R.R. Martin kills people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar and one pulls a huge lighter out of his golfbag...

and proceeds to light his cigar. The other man laughs and says "Holy crap, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! Where did you get it?"
The first man says "I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me."
The second man is skep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by a period.

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

I always knock before opening the fridge door.

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexic Association

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

Do you not get really annoyed when people answer their own questions?

I do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

Michael Jackson’s boat sank

The life guard sent a crew out to rescue him, they were looking for a lifeboat but they found him bobbing up and down on a buoy

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome...

Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

If at first you don’t succeed

Sky diving isn’t your sport

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Homie: Can you do an “s” in Morse Code?

Me: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

What do Giants and Strippers have in common?

Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."

"great" he said,

"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex? [...]"

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

What do you call an inquisitive amphibian?

One that axolotl questions

My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”

How do you know if it's a repost on r/Jokes?

It's got more than 1.0k upvotes!

How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the...

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

What do you call currency in space?

Starbucks.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

My wife says I have two faults

I don't listen, and something else

What do you call intelligent people in the US?

Foreigners.

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call eating ass on a plane?

Skyrim.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex workers in the far north?

Frostitutes

What do you call an amputee that does karate?

A partial artist

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is this possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist beach?

It’s not that hard

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

What do you get when you drop a piano into an coal mine?

A Flat Minor

Where do pirates buy their hooks?

At a second hand store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

can't opener!

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

What do you call an Emo A capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call the person who graduated last in their class at med school?

Doctor

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.


After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables ...

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos....*poof*

He disappeared without a tres

How do batteries scream?

AAA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a principal that used to be a prostitute?

The Head Master

My four year old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: what do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears?

A backpack.


P.s. I love nonsensical kid jokes.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

How do you bang a nun in Alabama?

Tell her you're God, which makes you her Father, then it's business as usual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher:

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

Emperor: How many soldiers do we have for my secret mission?

Servant: 476 my Emperor

Emperor: Good, round them up

Servant: 500 my Emperor

What is the difference between an STD and some place that doesn't exist anymore?

One is gonorrhea, the other is a gone area.

Ill show myself out now

If you look at the word "nun"....

you´ll see it´s just the letter n doing a forward roll

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"


Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"


Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs and in a pool?

Bob.

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows

How do you handle a redhead's temper?

Gingerly.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

How do you support a werewolves YouTube channel?

You lycan subscribe.

What do you call a big dog who's always alert?

Awarewolf

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, "Im looking for a turn-off."

I said, "I respost jokes on Reddit."

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