Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

How do you get an antivaxxer to shut up?

*Source?*

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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?

Because we’re raised differently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

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What do dildos and tofu have in common?

\>: they are meat substitutes:<

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

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Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11?

10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

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What do you say to console a grammar nazi?

"Their, they're"

What do they call 'Karens' in Europe?

Americans.

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl on Alabama?

You don’t turn your back on the family

A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”

“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

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What do you name a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?

Sparky

What do BMWs and Vacuums have in common?

They both have a dirtbag inside them.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

where do you find a cow with no legs

right where u left it

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale

Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!

Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

Bruce lee was fast but do you know about his even faster brother?

Sudden Lee

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

What kind of workouts did Jesus do?

Cross-fit

How do you stop 2 deaf People from arguing?

You turn off the Light

What do you call an Australian in space?

An Austronaut

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What do you call a license to cum?

A spermit

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

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Anal sex and this joke: what do they have in common?

A misused colon

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70?

A politician.

Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

Why do orphans have only 363 days?

They don't have a mother's day and father's day

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Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

What do Paul the Apostle and Jack the Ripper have in common?

They have the same middle name.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom

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What do you call the fat around an asshole?

A politician

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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?...

What do you call the fear of giants?

FeeFiPhobia

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Why do white women like trading stories about asking for the manager?

Because Sharon is Karen.

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids!

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

What do Timon and Pumbaa order at Italian Restaurants?

>!The Tuna Piccata!<

Why do Italian men grow a mustache ?

So they can look like their mother.

What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

Gifted.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

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What do the mafia and vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue

How do ghosts obtain money?

Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

Why do liberals hate dentists?

Because dentists make teeth straight and white.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybee.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.


"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."


The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and t...

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

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My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked

“Yes” she replied

“I fucked your sister”

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that’s long and hard?

Their last name.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water....

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

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What do you call someone who is really good at giving blowjobs?

The head master.

There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Mom: What did you do at school today?

Me: We did a guessing game

Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.

Me: That's right!

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

What do Germans call spoiled children?

Bratwurst.

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

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What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

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How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

Why do people dread mornings in Athens?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism

Only a light sentence

What does the Jewish potion maker do at work?

Hebrew

It's just started raining really hard and all my wife is doing is standing at the window looking sad...

If it gets any stronger I'll have to let her in

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?

Trilingual.
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
American.

What do you call an obese psychic?

A >!four-chin teller!<

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Welshman who transports sheep?

A sex trafficker.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

Where do mermaids go to watch movies?

The dive in.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?

58

What do computers identify as?

Binary

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

How do old people become cool again?

Hip replacements!

What do you call a blind gynecologist?

A lip reader

What do you call an Hispanic, an Asian, and an African American who walk into a bar?

By their names you racist pricks!!

How do you keep a Trump supporter occupied?

Give me $50 now and I'll tell you in just 4 weeks!

What do you call a dog who uses magic?

A Labracadabrador

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Why do golfers have an extra pair of socks?

Incase they get a hole in one.

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It's 15 degrees outside, what do you do?

You better hope youre not a fucking American!

What do you call a magician whose lost all his magic?

Ian......

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a blowjob from kermit?

A handjob

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

There is an experience some podcast hosts have in which the more popular they get, the dumber they seem and the more ridiculous shot they do.

It’s called the Joe Rogan Experience.

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by it's diameter?

Pumpkin pi!

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of prostitutes?

A Cum Unity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you catch a horny redditor ?

You tag a post as nsfw on r/Jokes

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

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What do you call boob sweat?

Humiditties

What does a ska drummer do when they drop a stick?

Pickitup pickitup pickitup!

What do you call a beaten up batman?

A Bruised Wayne....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you have a baguette in your asshole?

Pain in the ass

What do you get when you combine human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World, apparently.



Yes, I know it's a repost. But I love this joke.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

What do you call a body of water that won’t follow its own rules?

The Hypocri Sea

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you piss of a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask what period it came from.

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

Why do the French never have more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

Do you take Ivermectin?

Neigh

How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree?

Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.

What do I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to ...

What do you call an elephant in a dress?

Elegant

What do you call a factory that makes just "ok" products?

A Satisfactory

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

How do you tell a chemist and a plumber apart?



You ask them to pronounce unionized.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do prostitutes do on their day off?

Spend their fucking money

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?

Challapeno.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

How do pirates express their creativity?

Arrrrrrrrrt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a hotel for people with small dicks

The bear-lee inn

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What, did you think I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

What do you call a professional troll?

A master-baiter.

I'll see myself out

What do you think when you see a deer with no eyes?

'Good shot!'

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