UPJOKE
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pig pleasuring itself?

Masturbacon

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

What do you call a priest who always lies?

A pathological friar.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

What do you call someone who speaks three or more languages?

Multilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

What do you call two bicycles that are stuck together?

Conjoined Schwinns

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?

A Mathmachicken.

My kid told me that and it made me chuckle.

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane?

Nope, nun of the above

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

what do you get when you mix goat DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?"

(Looks around) No idea mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?

Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students

A pdfile

How do you know a gold prospector is non-binary?

He says that there is gold in them/their hills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a group of Batmans?

An orphanage

How do you surprise a blind man ?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway.

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly?

You don't.

What do little shops become at full moon?

Werehouses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex

He nuts and bolts…

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

Why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards?

Cause if they went forwards they'd just fall in the boat.

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

What kind of ice cream do they sell at airports

Plain ice cream

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

What do you call the trend to cancel pineapples?

#Banananas

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do?

You get off the merry-go-round

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It's not hard.

What do you call a poor person from the 1750s

Baroque

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

Why do trans women go by she/her?

Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said, do you mind waiting a bit ?

No, I replied.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke?

With a sighsmograph

What do you call a handsome Turkish guy?

A hottoman.

This sub could do with more Geology jokes

No pressure.

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call masturbating while stoned?

Weed whacking

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

What do you call and Englishman's walking cane?

A ChapStick

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell. She's got a grenade in her mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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What do you call it when John Fogerty has oral sex with a mortician?

Down on the Coroner.

Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.

Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you”.

Where do dogs go when they need a new tail?

A re-tail store.

I think it’s such a cute joke, it’s one of my favs :)

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02 * 10^23 butts?

Molasses

What do women and happy meals have in common?

They both come with a toy inside them.

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

How do ducks get high?

Quack Cocaine

A photon checks into a hotel and the front desk asks "Do you need help with your luggage"?

The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

Where do fish keep their money?

In the river bank

Why do you always let a woman go through the door first?

Snipers!

How do you stop a lawyer from bleeding out?

Attorney kit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP

What do they call ambulances in Russia?

Abubukar

What do you call a black guy who studies rocks?

a geologist, you racist!

Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?

He always got a little behind with his orders

How do you find a velociraptor ?

You divide the distanceraptor by the timeraptor

What do French people call weed?

Oui’d

When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?

Either oar.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving?

Skeet.

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

...What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

What do you call a book club which is stuck on the same book?

a church

What do you call Winnie the Pooh’s grandmother?

Poohnanny

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

What brand of mint do they have at Mental Health Clinics?

Dementos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

I’m looking for a third joke with a punchline that appears to be, but isn’t, feces related. Please help me finish my pseudo-poop dad joke trifecta.

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

What do you give to a girl who has everything?

Penicillin

How do you get a Canadian to apologize?

Step on their foot.

What do Kookaburras like to do?

Scream murder.

What do you get if you glue sequins to your life jacket?

>!Flamboyancy!<

What do you call a man with a 1" weiner?

Justin.

What do you call three Barbies in a line?

BBQ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

-So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

-A giraffe eating cherries.

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

What's Mozart doing in his grave?

Decomposing.

First thing I do when I clock in to work is hide

They say a good worker is hard to find and I’m a damn good worker

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

What sort of key do you use to open a banana?

A mon-key

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese

A cheesy pickup line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you?

I love umami !!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers…….

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her up and tell her about it

What do a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book reader and someome good at pleasing women have in common?

They are both willing to keep as many fingers inside until they get to a good ending.

Where do Egyptians go when their back hurts?

To the Cairo-practor!

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them how they pronounce unionized.

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?

58.

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

What pickup line do guys use to get girls in Alabama?

You’re like a sister to me.

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

what do you say to the liberal arts student that just gotten a job

Can I get the cappuccino to go?

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

What gym equipment do demons never use?

The exorcise bike.

Ba dum tiss.

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What did Optimus Prime do when his dishwasher blew a transformer?

He filed for divorce.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?

an Acidic Jew.

\*Slaps Knee\*

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach?

A sand witch.

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do male sheep masturbate?

They bleat-off!

I know. The joke is baaaaad.

On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.

"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."

"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"

He replies, "No, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy that masturbates to literally everything?

Jack of all trades

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

What do computers like to eat?

Microchips

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

What drink do Pirates get at McDonald’s?

The Hi-C!

My stoner friend used my to-do list as rolling paper

Now he's high on list of priorities

How do you stop a vegan vampire?

With a steak through its heart.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

Do you want to know how to become a millionaire?

Invest $1 billion and follow the advice of wallstreetbets

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches?

Suture self!

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

Why do Russian policemen go around in threes?

One who can read.

One who can write.

And one to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

What do Bob Ross' children say when they pray?

"Our father, who art in heaven..."

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