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Everything Jokes

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

I He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

A female accountant asked her male counterpart “How’s everything going for you?”

He replied “Great! I feel like $100! How about you?”

She replied “Same! I feel like $82!”

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

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It was Bob’s first day working at a store that sold EVERYTHING…

…basically if it was a marketable, legal, commodity, the store sold it. At the end of the day, the store manager came up and asked, “So, how was your first day?”

Bob: “Pretty good, I got a $200,000 sale.”

Manager: “What, how?”

Bob: “I had a guy ask where the fishing worms were, ...

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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

I was stranded on an island with nothing but dark red grass, dark red sand, dark red trees everything was darkred.

"AHHH!" i yelled "I've been marooned!"

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

Sugar... Spice... and Everything Nice

These were the ingredients God chose to create the perfect dry rub for a rib.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip.
After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students.
They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking.
Only one teacher remained calm and seated at...

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

What do you call someone who's on top of everything when it comes to news, technology, video games, nsfw, and everything else?

an Apex redditor

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Everything's Big in Texas

A man walks into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the bar and orders a beer. When the beer comes it's the largest he's ever seen.

"Why is this so huge?" the man asks.

The bartender says, "Well everything's big in Texas!"

Then the man orders a cheeseburger, and this too is e...

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

This year in going to watch everything in 4K

It's my new year's resolution.

My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol...

He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...

Everything's Big in Texas

A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds.

Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bart...

The Monkey knows everything.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looke...

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What do you call a guy that masturbates to literally everything?

Jack of all trades

I had my blood tested recently and everything came back negative.

So I fired my drug dealer.

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My wife complains about everything

Even when I give her cunilingus, all she can do is moan

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

me: doctor, everything anyone says to me seems to be a palindrome!

doctor: lol

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a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

Everything will be 0K

As long as it's -273.15℃

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A man gets a job at one of those sells everything superstores

The manager tells him remember you’re on commission more people you sell to the more money you make. So the end of the day the man comes up to the manager he asks him. How did you do? The man tells him I only made one sale. He said you’ve been here for eight hours. It’s very busy. How did you only m...

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Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

My wife reminds me everything

My wife reminds me every day before I leave something I forgot and wanted to leave.

Sometimes the car keys, sometimes the watch, sometimes the house keys, sometimes important documents, sometimes my mobile, and it makes me feel old and my memory is weak. So I decided to put a limit on my forg...

John was attending his buddy’s wedding and everything was normal…

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced ...

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Everything is big in Texas

A guy walks into bar in Texas and orders a burger. The damn thing is almost 3 lbs with all the fixings.

He asks the bartender " this is the burger you offer?!?!"

Bartender says "yeah man everything is big in Texas"

He is in awe and can't help but wonder what a beer looks like i...

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MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, **"Your monkey just ate th...

Covid changes everything

Remember how we used to cough to cover up a fart? Now we fart to cover up a cough.

Everything's racist these days.

You can't even say "black paint" anymore.

You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

What did the first human do after he was done naming everything?

He called it a day

What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner.

But that's a Wurst-Käse scenario.

I told Alexa to rent "Everything, Everywhere, All at Once"

Now I have a billion-dollar credit card charge and 48 hours to watch everything, everywhere, all at once.

One moment everything's fine, the next you've ruined everything.

You're like a boolean china shop.

Everything is easier said than done.

Unless it’s Worcestershire sauce.

A massive earthquake hit California due to the San Andreas line opening up and destroying everything

No foreign aid was granted because according to the UN
"It was their own damn fault"

Everything Jada has done…

has been against her Will.

What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

Why do the Russians paint Z on everything?

Why do the Russians paint Z on everything?
Because the swastika was already taken.

Vegetarianism changes everything

A vegetarian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Since I became a vegetarian it has really changed everything in my life, Even my music choices." the guy tells the bartender. "I've found Robert Plant to be a great alternative to Meatloaf."

Why do communists take their time doing everything?

Because it's not minutes, it's hours comrade.

You can't believe everything…

…you read on the Internet just because a famous person said it.

— Abraham Lincoln —

"Forget everything you have ever known!..."

In hindsight not a great opener for my speech at the annual Alzheimer's and Dementia conference.

My dad said everything would be back to normal by June

So I told him yesterday "Julyed"

I’m good at everything except being humble

Because I’m great at it

Everything before 2010 feels fake.

Maybe because it’s all just pre-10’s.

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job...

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but...

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My therapist said that “time heals everything.”

So I stabbed him, …now we wait.

I came home to find all the windows wide open and everything had been taken.

Next year I'll be hiding my advent calendar.

Everything in England outside of Nottingham

is called Tingham.

What do you call a criminal who laughs at everything you say?

Jimmy Felon

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."

Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything.

I called him 9/12

Indian that remembers everything

Guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says "Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket. The guy asks the Indian, "What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?" The Indian says,...

"We're used to sharing everything"

An elderly man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing the other half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in ...

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

My friend Jack is a prolific and unscrupulous trader, he has made a profit on everything

from silks to elephants, once he even purchased an enslaved nun. Calls himself Jack of All Trades, and master of nun.

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BMW thinks of everything

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says ...

Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

say less...

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India has a god for almost everything- except premature ejaculation

But it’s coming soon.

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I've tried everything

When I was young, I tried everything: Sadism, Beastiality, Necrophilia.

But I gave up on all that when I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

NSFW just in case

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

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What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of shit?

A skeptic tank

What does a Jamacian call everything he owns?

Meetings.

What do you get a man who has everything?

Penicillin.


Source: my 90 year-old grandpa, this Christmas morning

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

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By the time I realized my dad was right about everything,

I have a son that thinks I don't know shit.

What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat

They say everything you read and see is propaganda. I disagree.

And if you don’t, then you’re a communist.

Shopping tip for the man who has everything

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."

i watched a commercial that said: "forget everything you know about stocks

so i did

then the commercial tried to sell me stocks, but i didn't know what the hell they were!

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

Everything is big in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks ...

Eyes give everything away.

A cop pulls over a guy. “Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?” “Gee, officer,” the man says, “Your eyes are awfully glazed-have you been eating doughnuts?”

Men are better at everything.

Proof?

Bruce Jenner won the "Woman of the Year" award.

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