How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

:)

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

What did Cinderella find when she got to the ball?

Her gag reflex.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.

The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”

The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.

The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is show...

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny."

The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: "Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:
"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you!

So the explorer pick...

How do you find a blind person at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you

You have my Word

A man finds a genie lamp

He rubs it and out comes a genie he says: you have 3 wishes but there are 3 rules you can’t wish for love, money or more wishes

The man says: I want to not die a virgin

The genie grants him immortality

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

It's hard to find a funny chemistry joke here

All the best Argon.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

I find it really embarrassing when there's that really large splashing sound when you take a poo.

Of people trying to get out of the jacuzzi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an ...

I am the biggest supporter of the LGBTQ community you'll ever find

Let's go buy tacos & quesadillas anytime!

Hey, did you find out about they guy with synesthesia?

Yeah, he mixes up his senses but has great taste in music!

where do you find a baby without legs??

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

in the same spot you left him last time.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America

Maria: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria

I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

My alcoholic girlfriend got pregnant recently and it was really tough to find a 12 step plan for her

But then i remembered my mom's house has a pretty big staircase.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning to find. . .

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he searches google and sure enough the top result is for a “gorilla remover”. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 5 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He proceeds to ...

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start.

He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc.

I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

I was so shocked to find out Lance Armstrong won all his Tour de France titles while he was on drugs

Last time I took drugs I couldn’t even find my bike

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

Wife gets really upset with her husband and tells him she better find something that goes 0-160 in 3 seconds in the driveway tomorrow, or she's leaving. She goes outside in the morning and in the driveway, in all its glory, there's a...

Scale.

How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass

Satisfying.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

Three men are stranded in the desert and find a genie lamp

My dad has told me this joke when I was younger and I thought that I’d just post it here

They are all starving and dehydrated in the hot desert. Pablo the Mexican walks up to the genie lamp and rubs it...

Genie: Pablo the Mexican, I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose yo...

I’m keeping track of all the exponentials I can find..

Everytime I see one, I log it

Where do you find missing kids?

On the back of a milk carton.

What is something you can find under your son's bed which will terrify you more than your son?

A coconut

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy finds a genie.

Guy tells genie his wife is a bitch.

Says, 'I want to see her get fucked by the ugliest man in the world.'

Genie installs a mirror in their bedroom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man goes to find out why his son got fired from his job at a restaurant

The owner tells him “I found him in the store room with the potato peeler stuck up his arse.”

The father says “that’s odd, can I examine the potato peeler?”

The owner replies “I’m afraid not, I had to fire him too.”

Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore]

Biologists [find a whale washed]: it’s a new species, what do we call it?................
Bunch o’ surfer dudes walking by: yo! Killer whale dude.....................
Biologists[looking at each other]:...

What csn you find on Micheal Jackson's bed?

Billie's Jeans, hehe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"

He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."

The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened... My sister just called, and her mom died too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A retired Italian man is working away in his garden when he finds a mysterious old lamp

He picks up and lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he only gets one wish, so he should think on it and make it a good one. The man thinks for a few moments before saying "my wife and I love to drink wine, I'd like to be able to make the best wine in the world!" th...

I find all the answers shown on Jeopardy! ...

to be highly questionable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them.

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them. Tom comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him, after the second apple he screamed and ...

The Alpine Find

An archaeological dig team was on an expedition to the Alps when they discovered a mummified human buried in the ice. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a young male from the Neolithic period.

The team was split into two sections: Section One was to climb the slope and retrieve the mum...

I can always find the mothers and fathers in a public event

because it's apparent

Once I stayed up all night tryna find where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.

(Sorry if it looks like a repost I just thought of it and posted it here.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Finds A Suicidal Woman On A Cliff

The Woman Is Crying and is about to jump, when the man says:

"Wait! How about... you give me the last blowjob of your life?"

The Lady, Non-chalantely: "Sure! Life sucks anyways."

After ejaculating, the man, exhausted, asks:

"Hehe, nice work. Why did you wanna die anyway?"...

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?

Me: because it was useless.

A Guy comes home to find his wife.... NSFW

A guy comes home to find his wife nude from the waist down, sliding down the bannister. He asks her what she is doing. She says she's warming up dinner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he's been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife:

"Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

Two sperm were swimming trying to find an egg.

The first sperm says, “why is this taking so long, are we almost in the uterus?”

The second sperm says “We still have a way to go, we are only half way down the esophagus!

Why couldn’t the disabled man find a date

Because he wasn’t a stand-up guy overall

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

A man in an orange jumpsuit breaks into a nice house and ties the couple he finds in the bedroom up.

After tying them up, the husband watches as the man walks over and slowly kisses the wife’s neck, before standing up, walking into the bathroom, and closing the door.

The husband says to his wife, “Look at his jumpsuit - he must’ve just gotten out of prison. I saw how he kissed your neck - yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

My grandfather passed away, so I wrote a joke for him I thought he'd find funny: My grandfather is the man I looked up to most until I was 10 years old

Because around then I shot right past 6 feet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

Nic Cage went through such a hassle to find a national treasure.

When all he had to do was look in a the mirror.

There was a psychic cow that was hard to find

He was medium rare

What do you say when you find out Earth isn’t flat?

That’s a relief.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On one hand you could find a girlfriend and someone to love

On the other hand there’s masturbation

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

Why couldn't the dentists family find the spot where he was buried?

Because there was no plaque on it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.

​

While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

How did King Kong find out he is allergic to latex?

By using a Kongdom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is

But everyone keeps saying it's private

Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City

They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying t...

When people find out I am not a very good electrician,

they are usually shocked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't you all find it weird that people born after 2000 are now doing porn?

I find it just as shocking today as I did 10 years ago.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[LONG] Mike, Dave and John find a magic lamp in morroco

They buy it and take it to their hotel.

Mike rubs it just for fun, and to their surprise, a genius comes out.

"I will grant each one of you 3 wishes, choose wisely", the genius says.

Mike goes first: "I want to be the smartest man on the planet"

"Done", says the genius...

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, hav...

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.