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An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

If I had a dollar for every woman that didn’t find me attractive………

Eventually they would find me attractive.

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How do you find a pussy in Texas?

Look behind their badge

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

Why couldn't Mario find his kart?

It was Toad...

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Finding half a worm

Came home from work to find my wife left a note on the refrigerator.

It said this is not working. I’m at my moms!

Opened it up and everything seem to be working fine to me.

My girlfriend thinks I stole her phone charger. She can only find the cord.

I told her I won’t stand for these baseless accusations.

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A guy walks out on his porch and finds a snail climbing the steps.

Not wanting to step on it, he picks it up and throws it across the yard. About a week later, he goes out on his porch and finds the same snail climbing the steps again. The snail looks at him and says, “What the fuck did you do that for?”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down t...

My friend told me that on average, it is very easy to find a friend like me.

I told him he's being mean.

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A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp, and after he rubs it a genie appears.

“I am the Great Genie, you have three wishes, what would your first wish be?”

“I wish for my crush to like me back”

The genie then proceeds to hand the man the Bible.

“Why the fuck would you give me a bible, ...

A redditor answers the door to find a salesman who's selling encyclopedias

"I don't need those," says the redditor. "I'm very well-informed."

"Oh, that's fortuitous!" replies the salesman, "Just think of how much fun you'll have sifting through them and finding all the errors!"

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

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Three women have just entered heaven

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with on...

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A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

A single guy finds an ad in the newspaper: "Find Your Soul Mate! $20!"

He thinks, "eh, why not?" and calls the number. A minute later, an Australian guy shows up with ghost hunting equipment. When the single guy asks what it's for, the Australian says: "I'm here to find your soul, mate."

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

What to do if you find your best friend and lover in the same person?

you turn it into a foursome.

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

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A lawyer dies and finds himself in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter is holding a clipboard and asks his name, then checks his list.

"Says here you were a lawyer, is that correct?"

"Yep," says the lawyer, "that's correct."

"Well, here's the thing," St. Peter says. "We don't get too many lawyers making it past the gates here. We'll need ...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

There is an app called Monstr for finding the supernatural date of your dreams

Apparently it came out after the release of the Twilight franchise caused a spike in the popularity of mythical beings as romantic partners.

A friend of mine, I'll call her Bella for privacy, was on the app for a bit and her first match was a Lycanthrope. They went for a long walk and afterw...

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How do people find true love…

How in the god’s name do people find true love…
I can’t even find the end of a crappy scotch tape.

I find mute vocalists to be the most inspirational people

They truly are unsung heroes

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

How do you find a blind guy at a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

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I find my tastes in porn have matured with age.

I am now into current lower back problems.

The devil is surprised one day to find a habitual liar, a pervert, an idiot and a man in a wheelchair entering hell.

Still, he keeps his professional demeanor and extends a warm welcome saying, "Greetings, Representative Cawthorn. You're just in time, the daily GOP cocaine orgy is just beginning."

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

A princess walks into the forest to find her prince

as she's strolling around she encounters a speaking frog.
She asks the frog: 'Will you turn into a prince if I kiss you?'
The frog replies: 'Nah, that's my brother, you need to suck me off to make it work.'

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

Find it

Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler ...

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."


She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she ...

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

I'm never going to find a soul mate.

I really only find redheads attractive.

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

A man finds a magic lamp, and inside lurks a mischievous genie.

"What is your first wish?" the genie asks.

"My first wish? Well, I saw a really cool movie last weekend," the man began, "I would really love to be able to watch it again for the first time."

"Your wish is my command," the genie says, giving the man dementia.

"Now, what is your–...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captains log.....

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

A man finds a genie in a bottle

The genie says I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for your wife get double. The man says I wish for a mansion. The genie says okay and a beautiful home appears, remember your wife gets double, and 2 more appear. The man says I wish for a Billion dollars and The genie nods and 3 large p...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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I find that cleaning out my cat’s litter tray is like the lucky dip game at the fair.

In both the prizes are shit.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

Married in Heaven?

A very loving couple were on their way to organise their wedding when they had a horrific car crash and died.

When they reached the Pearly Gates they asked St. Peter,
"We were on our way to get married when we arrived here, do you know if it's possible to get married in Heaven?"
"Do yo...

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to...

Got home today from work to find all my kids have been on eBay all day..

If they are still there tomorrow, I'm lowering the starting price...

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A Welshman is visiting New Zealand and finds a sheep farm

He sees some sheep in the field and hops the fence. As he walks up to one of the sheep, he sees the farmer walking up.

While slapping the butt of one of the sheep, he asks the farmer what the locals think of a little romance with the animals?

The farmer looks at him disgusted and says:...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

A blind man finds himself on a watchtower...

Someone on the ground shouts up, "Hey, what are you doing up there?"

"Guessing"

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A traveling salesman finds himself in an elevator

While he's all alone, he rips a huge stinking fart. He quickly opens his briefcase and takes out a can of air-freshener and give it a few squirts.

A few moments later another man enters the elevator, visibly disturbed by the strong smell.

"Smells nice doesn't it? It's a special blend o...

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

A man in Kyiv finds a lamp...

So, a gentleman in Kyiv found an old lamp. It had some tarnish on it, so after grabbing the brass polish and a rag, he started to polish it.


POOF! Out popped a genie!


"Master, you have freed me from the lamp! In gratitude, I shall grant you three wishes! (And no wishing for...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

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I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

It's so hard to find someone to date with a personality.

They always have at least two... And one of their personalities always hates you.

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

What kind of owl can you find by the shower?

A towel

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny…

But occasionally, a one-liner makes me snort

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect

confession time

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sur...

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Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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Can you have sex with a circle?

Fuck a round and find out.

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A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship?

Asking for a friend.

I find it really embarrassing that whenever anyone visits my house, the dog starts sniffing their crotch.

Especially, as it is a Chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

How do Welshmen find sheep in long grass?

Delightful

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

[ translated] A traveller got lost and it became night fall. So he knocked at the first house he could find.

"Shall i stay here for a night ?" He asks.

Man of the house " no no no, we have a young unmarried woman at home. We can't allow strangers or her honor might be questioned "

This happened in the next 2 houses.

Then he knocks another house and asks upfront " Do you have an unmarr...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

How did Will Smith find out Jada was cheating on him?

She kept telling him she was going to the hair salon

Where do you find the best vegetables to eat?

The answers are very different for a vegan and a cannibal.

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

Guy comes home from work, finds his blonde haired wife sitting at the kitchen table.

Shes looking at the table, and concentrating super hard. She is visibly frustrated.

Husband asks "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "I've been working on this puzzle all day. Its supposed to be a tiger, I can't get any of these puzzle pieces to match."

Husband sighs, "Honey... P...

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God comes down to the Garden of Eden to visit Adam and Eve, and finds only Adam, looking all disheveled with a big grin on his face.

God is curious so he asks Adam what has been happening and why he looks so happy.

"Me and Eve just discovered sex!" replies Adam enthusiastically.

God says, "Oh no! What you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both repent. Where is Eve by the way?"

"She's down at the river clea...

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A man was walking to the bar

And on his way to the bar he found a girl tied to a railroad track. He untied her and they had a lot of sex.

Then he got to the bar and he started talking to his friend over there about how all the difference positions they fucked and everything.

His friend says thats awesome.. did yo...

The fireman climbs the ladder to a bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette.

\`Ah,\` he says, \`you’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this year.\`


\`But I’m not pregnant!\`

\`You’re not rescued yet.\`

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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

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I heard there was a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris

I couldn’t find it.

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Jim and Tom are walking in the woods, when they find a pile of crap

Jim turns to Tom and says “I’ll give you $1,000 to eat a spoonful of it?”
Tom says “I could really use the money, it’s a deal!” and proceeds to eat a spoonful.

He then turns to Jim,“Hey Jim, I’ll give you $1,000 if you can also stomach a spoonful?”
Jim says “I could really use the money...

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...
"Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...
"WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls"?

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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