Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.

The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”

The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.

The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is show...

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

If I had a dollar for every women who didn't find me attractive,

More women would find me attractive.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

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[NSFW] A man goes to find out why his son got fired from his job at a restaurant

The owner tells him “I found him in the store room with the potato peeler stuck up his arse.”

The father says “that’s odd, can I examine the potato peeler?”

The owner replies “I’m afraid not, I had to fire him too.”

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"

He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."

The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened... My sister just called, and her mom died too!"

How did the tree find his wife?

He branched out.

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A Man Finds A Suicidal Woman On A Cliff

The Woman Is Crying and is about to jump, when the man says:

"Wait! How about... you give me the last blowjob of your life?"

The Lady, Non-chalantely: "Sure! Life sucks anyways."

After ejaculating, the man, exhausted, asks:

"Hehe, nice work. Why did you wanna die anyway?"...

I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the Fresh Prints

Two sperm were swimming trying to find an egg.

The first sperm says, “why is this taking so long, are we almost in the uterus?”

The second sperm says “We still have a way to go, we are only half way down the esophagus!

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass

Satisfying.

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An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them

The first comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him. After the second apple he screamed and they killed him. The next came back with 10 grapes...8...9... still counting up then he laughed and they killed him. ...

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A man escapes from prison where he's been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife:

"Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed...

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On one hand you could find a girlfriend and someone to love

On the other hand there’s masturbation

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

There was a psychic cow that was hard to find

He was medium rare

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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.

​

While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the...

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

Women call me Ugly until they find out how much Money I make

Then they call me Ugly and Poor.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City

They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying t...

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A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal.

“I can explain everything,” he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, “You’re darn right you’ve got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!”

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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[LONG] Mike, Dave and John find a magic lamp in morroco

They buy it and take it to their hotel.

Mike rubs it just for fun, and to their surprise, a genius comes out.

"I will grant each one of you 3 wishes, choose wisely", the genius says.

Mike goes first: "I want to be the smartest man on the planet"

"Done", says the genius...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation....

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, hav...

When people find out I am not a very good electrician,

they are usually shocked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Came home from work to find my husband panicking because he'd managed to glue his cock to a shoe.

I instantly started panicking too then started rushing about looking for solvents and medical supplies. It was only when he started laughing that I realised he was just fooking aboot.

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My girlfriend has a fetish for getting caught having sex, but I find it exhausting

I'm really getting tired of catching her.

A man dies and finds himself in front of God. He sees Jesus sitting at his right hand and a janitor with a mop sitting to his left.

“Who are you?” the man asks the janitor.

​

“I’m Cleanliness.”

I was trying to find out where the sun was..

... then it dawned on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

To the guy who stole my copy of Microsoft Word. I will find you...

You have my word.

I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is

But everyone keeps saying it's private

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

How do you find out if a girl is ticklish?

Give her two test tickles

God said that all men will find love in every corner of the Earth

Then he made the Earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

Why couldn't Superman find the local playground as a kid?

Adult supervision was required

I just watched a reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world, and was a little disappointed.

The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.

On a room full of doctors, how do you find the gynecologist?

It's easy. It's the one with the watch on his elbow.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

...and thinks "some asshole's got my pen".

I tried to find Room 404 at a hotel...

But it wasn't found.

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp.

Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.

“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends...

I'm going to Rio de Janeiro over Easter to see if I can find Jesus.

Heard he's really big over there!

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

I find all these obese jokes horrible.

Don't you think they have enough on their plate already?

Two Blond men find three grenades

They talk about it and decide to take them to a police station. On the way there one asks:

What happens if one of them explodes?

The other one replied:
We’ll just tell them we found two.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's not hard to find porn on Reddit.

I come across it all the time.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide.

They read the sign; “Go down the slide, shout out your dreams, and whatever you desire will be waiting for you at the bottom.” Sure enough, there is an inflatable paddling pool at the bottom of the slide.

The Irishman goes first, throws himself down the slide and shouts “Drink!” He lands in a...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, ...

A man wandering the desert, finds a lamp...

Skeptical, he rubs the lamp and to his surprise a Genie pops out and says:

"You get three wishes, go."

The man thought for a moment before speaking

"You know, I've thought of the perfect first wish!"
He mulled it over a momemt longer before spouting
"I want the greatest ...

Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?

Because they always knew X was 10.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla on his roof!

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an add for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the Gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The Gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"W...

Don't you hate it when you can't find a really great joke you saw a few weeks ago that you really liked?

It makes it really hard to repost.

If you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them

That’s how you know they’re a keeper

Where might one find the mitochondria?

Incel

Where can you find the Titanic?

TL;DR at the bottom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I find Dyslexia really hot

After all, you can't spell "Dyslexia" without "sexy"

Adolf Hitler got bored and decided to go out on the streets to find out what people thought of him.

He put on some disguise, shaved his mustache and went for a walk in downtown Berlin. He found a middle aged man reading a newspaper outside a cafe and asked him what he thought about Hitler. The man, with horror on his face, panicked, grabbed his hand and lead him down to an empty street. He looked ...

A hippy finds a magic lamp.

He rubs it and a genie comes out and asks "What is your wish?" The hippy says "Man, I just want to be up tight, out of sight, and in the groove." So the genie turns him into a tampon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend finds sex on holiday much more fun

I think so, anyway. It was difficult to read the postcard

Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

The FBI, CIA and KGB were tasked to find a criminal duck that escaped into the forest.

First was the CIA, they interrogated and investigated for years, and came to the conclusion that the duck doesnt exist.

Then was the FBI, they did months of investigation, interrogated and spied every animal in the forest, then they accidentally caused a wildfire that killed every animal in ...

Went to the zoo to find a baguette caged

They said it was bread for captivity

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

Why couldn’t Princess Leia find love?

She was looking in Alderaan places...

Why do you never find a Hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

It's really good at it.

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

A frenchman, an englishman, and a new yorker go on an expedition and find an uncharted island.

It turns out it is run by cannibals.
They are ambushed, their weapons stolen, and they are apprehended by the chief of the tribe, who says "You are forbidden from setting foot on this island. We are going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. However, we are not without compassion. We w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

I went digging for gold but didn’t find anything

It was a miner frustration

I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.

She’s a really big help.

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man finds a goldfish and it grants him one wish.

So he tells the goldfish: "I want to be able to urinate vodka". So the goldfish grants his wish, and he quickly goes back to him cabin to see if it's true. He opens his door and yells at his wife "HONEY! Get me a glass!", and so she does. He pisses in his glass and drinks it, and much to his surpris...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend is a pornstar

She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"