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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

Women call me ugly only until they find how much I make

Then they call me ugly and poor!!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints

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I think I need to find a new doctor, after my last prostrate exam

It’s never comfortable to be prodded up the butt, but I got suspicious when the doctor said, “I need to go deeper, this may hurt a bit”, and then he put both of his hands on my shoulders.

How do you find a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you

Edit: No you won't

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't he...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom

The thief points a gun at the couple.

"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."

The woman says "Stephanie."

"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."

He...

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she a...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

A man finds a magic lantern on the beach

A genie comes out and says "I will grand you three wishes, but I'm a different type of genie, I need you to know whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

The guy is kind of amazed the genie knows about his ex-wife, but he goes ahead and starts making wishes.

"I wish I had ...

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

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Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

How did the ADHDer find a partner?

By going on a methylpheni-date.

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus...

But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie.

The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish.

First, the English man makes his wish.

"Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to m...

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?

Ubisoft

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

How do you find a velociraptor ?

You divide the distanceraptor by the timeraptor

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How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.


(Too soon?)

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[Blonde][NSFW] The blonde asked her gynecologist “Why do I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?”

The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas”

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

How did the Alabama redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog sa...

A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,

He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 dro...

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

Dating is like finding a parking spot

All the good ones are taken and the rest are for handicapped

One day, a boy comes home from school to find his mom waiting for him.

"I just got a call from your teacher," says the boy's mother. "She says that she wants you to learn the difference between a man and a woman. Take off my dress." So the boy takes off his mother's dress.

"Now, take off my bra." So he takes off her bra.

"Now, take off my panties." So he ...

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,



“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”



The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,



“Before you tell that jok...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

I came home to find all the windows wide open and everything had been taken.

Next year I'll be hiding my advent calendar.

Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

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I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

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My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

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Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

What did Spock find in the toilet??

Captains Log

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?

In the bookstore, under "fiction".

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Man walks into a bar to find the man who slept with his daughter (SFW)

Man walks into a bar with a 4 six shooters and a double barrel demanding to know who slept with his daughter.

Father: WHICH ONE OF YOU SONS OF B*TCHS SLEPT WITH MY LITTLE DARLING GIRL!

Bartender: Sir you ain't got enough bullets

How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.

I'm never going to find a soul mate.

I really only find redheads attractive.

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Three Men Find a Genie

Three men were walking along the street when one of them spotted an old lamp on the side of the road. Picking it up and rubbing it they were surprised to find a genie appear.
"You get one wish," The genie said. "I offer wealth, wisdom or power."
"I choose wealth." Said the first man.
...

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

What’s worse than finding out Santa isn’t real as a kid?

Finding out your parents are broke.

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There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage

He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.

The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with ...

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny.

But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.

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A guy finds a lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

Genie: You have 3 wishes, whats your first wish?
Guy: I wish you were bad at counting.
Genie: Done.
Guy: I wish i was a billionaire.
Genie: Piss off you've had your 3 wishes!

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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are

•
•
You a curious motherfucker.

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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

A man is shocked to find his buddy wears a bra. He asks “How long have you been wearing that?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

I find it odd that so many Americans are circumcised...

Especially considering how many rely on tips to get by.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t Kim Kardashian find her asshole?

He’s on tour.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

where do you find a cow with no legs?

>!\--right where you left it.!<

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me...

I can't find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(

What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

A stranger find two French men throwing coins in a park.

When the stranger asks why the French men are doing that, one of them replies,

"We are trying to see who can throw these coins the highest! Whoever wins owes the other a hot dog!"

But suddenly the other French man interjects,

"Wait! I thought we were going off distance, not heig...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

A man walks into a library and asks where he can find books on paranoia.

The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"

I find it really hard to tell my friends what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

Finding money in the street

Two old ladies were talking. One asked the other, "what would you do if you found a million dollars lying in the street?"


The other old lady answered, "I'll tell you the truth - if it belonged to a poor person, I would give it back"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your x

She's not coming back. And don't ask y.

What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?

Shout "is anyone here Irish?"

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

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A guy was walking through the woods, and finds a lamp on the ground, he picks it up and rubs it and a genie comes out.

The dude goes "Whoa! A Genie!" And the genie looking really bored is like, "Alright go ahead, you got 2 wishes.." The dudes like, "Only 2? I thought everyone gets 3? What kind of bullshit genie are you?" And the genie says, "Look in your pants." And the guy does and says "Holy crap! My dick is huge!...

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