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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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Children wake up in the morning to find a strange man in their kitchen making some scrambled eggs...

They ask him: "Are you our new baby sitter?"

The guy replies: "No, I'm your new mother fucker."

Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.


Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman ...

I’ve been in the army for the last year and I’m home visiting my girlfriend. I come home and find my friend that is an electrician’s work truck outside my girlfriends house.

I guess he’s fixing a “clap-on,clap-off” light bulb because I can hear them clapping from outside.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

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Little Timmy is given the homework: find the first four letters of the alphabet

Timmy didn't have internet access, so he asked his mother for the first letter. She was cooking an burned herself and screamed "oh fuck off." So Timmy wrote that down. Then he went to his father, who was watching darts, to ask for the second letter. He shouted "180!" So Timmy wrote that down. Then h...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

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Policeman - When did you find out that your wife is dead ?

Husband - I mean the sex was the same but the dishes started piling up.

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Reading about the demon who caught the American, Indian and British reminder me of this joke. (Long) (nsfw)

(long) A demon caught a Malay, Chinese and Indian man in the jungle, as he was feeling generous, he told the men to find 10 of the same type of fruits.

The Malay man came back with 10 apples and the demon told him if he could survive all 10 apples being forced up his ass without any sound, he...

See what I'm saying

To the person that stole my eyeglasses, I will find you - I have contacts😁

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A man walks into a bar and finds that it's pretty empty.

He looks around and only sees the bartender and what appears to be his pet monkey. Curious, he asks the bartender about the monkey.

"Oh that's my special monkey." The bartender says. "Let me show you."

The bartender picks up a baseball bat from under the bar, turns around and cracks t...

A few famous scientists are playing a game of hide-and-seek

Einstein starts looking for everyone. Most of them hide, except Newton, who pulls out a piece of paper exactly 1m x 1m in size and places it on the ground next to him.

When Einstein finds him, he shouts: I've found you, Isaac! You've lost!"

The other physicist replies: "Nope. You must ...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

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A man goes on vacation to Mexico with his family

When they get to the town they are staying in, the family wanted to explore and go thier own way. The man's wife agreed and told everyone to meet in the middle of the town at exactly 1pm so they could have lunch together.


The man wanders off and goes to the bar. After a couple of drinks, ...

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

Mom meet my girlfriend

Me: mom let me introduce you to my girlfriend.

Mom: you could not find anything better?

Me: Let me be, I love her.

Mom: Shut up! I am speaking to her.

Every morning, I wake up and find that someone has left a lot of Play-Doh on my front door.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Man comes home early and finds his mate in bed with his wife.

So he stabbed him to death.. his wife says,

"Carry on like that and you'll have no mates left"

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

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A guy gets married and has no clue what to do in bed

So asks a friend for advice and he says:
Do what ever she does and you will figure it out naturally .


At night his wife comes to bed and starts undressing,
and based on friend advice he does the same.

Then she starts touching her breasts and biting her lips and he mimics he...

Two cannibals find a missionary in the dark....

Since it was dark and they didn't want to run into each other while they ate him, one started at the head and the other at the feet.

After a while the one who started at the top said, "Hey how you doin' down there?"

Cannibal replied, "Man, I'm havin' a ball!"

First one said, "H...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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Why couldn't the physicist couple find a third person to join them in doin' butt stuff?

Because there's no analytic solution to the three body problem.

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.

“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.

“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.

The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under th...

The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality.

Unfortunately, he drowned.

Women Only

**The Women Only Hotel**

A group of women went on holiday, the see a five-storey hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".

Since they are there without their boyfriends the go in. The Doorman, a very attractive man explains to them how it works .....
"We have Five floors .........

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2 Nuns and a condom

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvellous invention ca...

Trying out a new joke about Reverse Psychology.

You didn't find this funny.....

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?.............

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work in oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

People mostly get shocked when the find out that....

I'm a bad electrician.

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A plane has engine failure and starts to go down.

A White woman jumps out of her seat and grabs her bag and starts putting on all her make-up.  When people asked what the hell she is doing. She said, "when planes crash, they find the pretty women first!"


A Mexican woman hears that and jumps out of her seat. She grabs her bag and starts p...

What kind of chocolate do you find in the fluff catcher in a dryer?

Lindt

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word!

A man is walking home alone...

A man is walking home alone...


A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street ...

My neighbor's little son asked me where you find giant snails?

I tried to blind him with science.

“Well, they’re originally from Kenya, and their Latin name is the Achatina Fulica …”

Turns out the answer was ‘On giant’s fingers’.

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

A girl goes out surfing but does not return home...

...sick with worry, her parents ask for help and the lifeguard service heads out to find her. Soon, the parents are informed over the phone by an excited lifeguard. "We have bad news, good news, and really good news!" The parent's tears are instantly dried and smiles spread across their faces but al...

I wonder if people find polyamory to be selfish.

I mean, you can have your Kate and Edith too.

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

Another Universe

My friend: did you find a gf?

Me: yeah

My friend: where is she?

Me: in another universe.

My friend: so how did you two meet?

Me: through a warmhole.

Some people struggle with depression. Personally I find depression pretty easy.

It's joy that I struggle with.

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

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Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

Prince Andrew comes home to Buckingham Palace

Prince Andrew comes home to Buckingham Palace and finds his girlfriend crying and packing all her stuff.

When he asks her what’s wrong, she sobs that she is leaving him because people are calling him paedophile.

With a look of disbelief, he steps back and says, “Whoa! That’s a big wo...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

The forest animals are always drunk, so the fox bans alcohol...

The following day, the fox spies a rabbit hanging out of a tree, clearly wasted. The fox ticks him off, and carries on his way. The next day he sees the rabbit drunk again, and gives him a final warning.

The following day, the fox does his rounds and there's no sign of the rabbit, but he not...

"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Sheriff: "Yes."

Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"

Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

When I first met my wife, I was worried she would find my fetish off-putting...

...but I got off on the right foot.

A man and a nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack . The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a cl...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

A woman loses her son Eddy in a Walmart one day

She looks everywhere for him but doesn't find him. Mom loses hope and years go by. Eddy is adopted by another family and they decide they like the name Terry. So Terry grows up and one day is shopping at the same Walmart where he was lost, and passes a woman who stares at him oddly. She looks at him...

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[NSFW]The legend of the King sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today...

A man decided to become a monk

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has be...

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