An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

Why isn't Jesus good at playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke can be like a fart.

If you force it, it’s probably shit.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I think the death penalty is a good idea...

If executed properly.

I was lucky enough to see Albert Einstein give a lecture back in the day. It wasn’t very good

Relatively speaking.

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

I’m so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.

Just. Fucking. Kidding

I had a band called 999 Megabytes and I thought we we're pretty good

But we didn't get any gigs

A Doctor tells his patient "You have three days left to live. But there's also good news."

They are not consecutive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

Why was the chiropractor a good interrogator?

He always got the suspect to crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say cucumbers are good for the memory.

My uncle put one in my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was born I was given a choice; Big Dick or Good Memory

I don’t remember what I picked

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

Because they practice in the best schools

How do you tell how good a Soviet soldier can shoot?

...his marxmanship.

What do you call a good photograph of a Koala?

High Koala-ty!

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I just drink for evil!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”

God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.”

Brainwashing is completely ethical if it's for a good cause.

Brainwashing is completely ethical if it's for a good cause.
Brainwashing is completely ethical if it's for a good cause.
Brainwashing is completely ethical if it's for a good cause.
Brainwashing is completely ethical if it's for a good cause.
Brainwashing is completely ethical i...

Vegetable puns make me feel good

from my head tomatoes.

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’

One of my good friends would still be alive.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut?

3 weeks.

I've got a really good joke about dentists

Brace yourselves...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

The British just aren't good at menstruation jokes.

Full stop.

I have a good nature joke

But after listening to it, everyone just leaves

They say good things come in 3s

Yet my girlfriend doesn't understand why I'm so confident that I'm a good person.

A pea farmer had a very good harvest this year..

At the dinner, he was discussing with his family about the harvest and mentioned that he would sell the lot for a whopping $5000.
His daughter said "I can double that. And I don't even need to sell everything. I'll just sell one pea in a jar"
She went out next day and sold the pea in a jar for...

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

I had a good joke about the Ozone Layer.

[depleted]

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

I'm sorry if you can't find any good chemistry jokes

Because all of them argon

My friend told me he used to have a good Notorious B.I.G. joke.

I said, "If you can't remember it, no biggie."

i'm very good friends with 25 letters in the alphabet,

>!i don't know why!<

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

My teacher told me to have a good day

So I left her class

Good cammo pants are like girls who want to date me.

Hard to find and I can't see myself being inside them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uhm, hey ... so i got this real big problem with a good friend of mine, listen.

This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Sa...

What's the good thing about FaceApp?

Kids with cancer can see themselves older.

How do you make a good vegan omelette?

Make sure you use a fresh vegan.

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good dick... Or a good book?

Depends on which is longer.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Why are pirates such good singers?

They hit the high c's...

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber!

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the unemployment office to complain about there phone service "It's just not good enough, i called all day yesturday and nobody answered"...

"What number did you call ?" The lady behind the front desk asks "08001730" the man says.
"That's our opening and closing times' she replies..

Good old days

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why d...

I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worthy faux.

My friend says Believer isn’t that good a song...

I replied with first things first...

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

My wife said, That old song by Bill Withers is really good. I said,

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know.

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

French toast is so good

It just surrenders right in your mouth

How to become a good Goalkeeper?

Shave the balls.

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car. ..

I said, “What’s the good news?” She said, “The airbag works.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

What do good jokes and beautiful women have in common?

I don't get either of them.

I am so good at procrastination that

I will finish this joke tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good irish joke

The irish couple O'Connor and Kiera are out fishing. O'Connor's fishing line hooks onto a bottle and pulls it up. He opens up the bottle and out pops a genie. the genie says "thank you for saving me. I will now grant you one wish." O'Connor says "I wish that all the water in the sea be replaced with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Whats good on pie, but bad on pussy?

The crust.

Did you hear about the king sperm who was good at math?

His name was sir cumference

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

I didn't think Neuralink was a good idea...

but Elon changed my mind!

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

I asked my North Korean friend if life was good in North Korea.

He said: “I can’t complain.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman read, in Cosmo, that milk is really good for your skin.

Now this was a woman who wanted perfect skin all over so her master-plan was to fill up a bath, with milk, and soak for a few hours.

The next morning, the milkman arrived at the door and she asked "Hey, Mr Milkman, I wonder if you can help me here?"

"Of course, what's the problem?" he ...

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.