I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.

I just made up a really good fencing joke!

EDIT: Nevermind, apparently it's a riposte.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone knows good ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

What do you call a noun that is very good at its job?

A pronoun

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

I am so good at sleeping.

I can even do it with my eyes closed

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Why are Muslims so good at dating?

Because they always go out with a bang!

One good thing about getting old and losing memory.

I can hide my own Easter eggs.

5 people that think communism is good walk into a bar...

The bartender says “We don’t serve alcohol to people under 18”

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing din...

What do you call someone who is really good at weighing things?

A programmer.

Why don't black holes get good grades ?

They aren't bright enough.

Mafia informants are like good eggs.

They sink right to the bottom.

How do you say good bye to two hundred thousand Indonesians?

A big wave.

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

The only thing in school I ever was good at was nap time in Kindergarden...

...I got straight Z's.

Why is Ariel so good at math?

Idk why?

Thanks to her Algae-bra!

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

So I hear Elton John is very good at the piano.

But he sucks on the organ.

I felt pretty good after leaving the grocery store today

There was this woman there checking me out.

Why does chicken taste good in Ranch?

Because that’s where it was raised

How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy driving in his car decides to do some good deeds today!

Shortly after he sees a guy dressed completely in yellow waving at him. So our guy stops the car and rolls down the window.
"Hello there friend", says our guy, "how may I help you?"

The guy in yellow then responds. "Hello friend, I am the yellow faggot! I need a ride to the city."

O...

A man asks his good friend if he can recommend a doctor.

“Yeah,” the man says, “I’ll give you the number to the guy we go see. He’s a family doctor. He treats mine and I support his.”

What’s the difference between a good joke.

And a bad joke timing

What do you call it when a kid is good for 365 days in a row?

Fantastic behaveyear!

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"One Man's Junk" would make a good name for a pawn shop.

Also for a gay bar.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

Good women are found in every corner of the earth

Unfortunately, earth is round.

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died...

She is sadly mist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

Why are communist jokes so good?

Everybody gets them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

So I recently saw that new movie, "Five Feet Apart". Pretty good and I here there's talk of a sequel!

From what I've heard they're gonna call it "Six Feet Under"

I decided to do some good and spread some positivity...

The HIV clinic didn’t take well to it.

Do you know who’s really good at deadlifting?

Pallbearers.

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a guy who's good at fishing

A masterbaiter

What do you call a good joke on r/Jokes?

A repost.

An old one but a good one

What does a hurricane in Florida, a tornado in Arkansas, and a divorce in Kentucky have in common?



Someone is fixin’ to lose a trailer

I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...

...But none of them work.

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

One day I will cure blindness for good

You'll see..... You'll ALL SEE!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

Having a good holiday tomorrow

Will be Easter said than done

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's a good thing Hitler didn't kill more black people.

Because I'd feel awful every time I said I wanted to bake brownies.

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

Not very good, but I haven’t forgotten it in a few years. Hope you like it.

Three strings walked into a bar. When they sat down, the bartender said “I’m sorry. We don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the strings left.

Not long after, the strings wanted to all go back to the bar. One of them had the idea of undoing the tip of his hair. They all did the same.
...

When people find out I am not a very good electrician,

they are usually shocked.

I am really good friends with this one Spanish guy

because his panic is my panic

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.

It’s a little gnome fact.

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Why was Jesus so good at twerking?

He always turned the other cheek

Why don't junkies like a good male protagonist in a story?

Because they prefer heroine.

I hate it when people compare Lionel Messi with God. I mean he's good and all...

...but he's no Messi.

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why are all the good Genetic Scientists from NZ?

They've been mixing human and sheep DNA for centuries

Why are Romans so good at algebra?

Because X always equals 10.

You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this chick tried to claim I was "no good at screwing" just because I sucked on her titties and then nutted on her thigh before even putting it in...

But I mean.... who *really* got screwed on that deal?

Good cop: where is the money?

Blind cop: *bangs fists on the table* WHERE IS EVERYTHING

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

A good approach in asking for a raise . . .

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?”

Maria:...

How does Mike Wazowski make such good neck jewelry?

Because he’s neckless

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

I just came up with a really good Schroedinger joke.

But I won't know if it's funny or not until you observe it.

My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

I’m so good at lucid dreaming

I can do it in my sleep

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

A man pointed his gun at me and asked if I had lived a good life

Sounded like a loaded question to me

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

Why are orphans no good at baseball?

They’ve never know what home is.

Did you hear the good news about reincarnation?

It's making a comeback!

Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

Does anyone know any good anti-vax forums?

I keep joining one, but they all die down after a couple years.

A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.

Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.

No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.

He is kind of confused b...

What do you call a good smelling rapper?

Post Cologne

Why don’t suspenders make good singers?

Because they don’t know how to belt

A Good Mother

A good mom will always let her child lick the cookie dough after she's finished mixing it.

The best mom will switch the mixer off first.

&#x200B;

(This was a joke translated from Russian that my mom always told me. She was a pretty good mom ;( )

Why do trees make good missionaries?

They make people beleave in them.

Why does Frankenstein's monster have such a good sense of humor?

Because he's always in stitches!

The attorney tells his accused client, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

[OC] I am pretty good at keeping up with which date it is

April Fools!

Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?

Or has the Opportunity passed?

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.