I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

I heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

It really helps a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters.

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good advice?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd st...

I was trying to come up with a good steak joke

but it was too difficult as they are a rare medium well done

How do you turn a reckless driver into a good driver?

Add a W at the beginning of reckless.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

Why is North Korea really good at drawing straight lines?

They have a supreme ruler

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

My boss told me to have a good day....

So I went home.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Why are Egyptians so good at farting?

They have good Sphinxters

What’s the difference between bad karma and good karma?

You get bad karma from stealing other people’s belongings. You get Reddit karma from stealing other people’s jokes.

I'm not just good at making spreadsheets.

I Excel at it.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and ...

This farmer was telling me about how good his sheepdog was at maths

"Watch this" he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two?" And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?" And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good" I replied "but he's a little over." "Yeah" answered the farmer "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up."

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

Why was Jesus always in good shape?

Because he was cross-fit.

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

No good genie

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wi...

They say carrots are good for your health.

But booze can double your vision.

I'm so good at being interrogated.

I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

A good joke is like an unvaccinated child

It never gets old.

Just moved next door to a guy who sells stolen goods on the black market.

You know what they say; *Good fences make good neighbors*

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

Some people had doubts that I'd be a good leader

Those people are dead now.

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