Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

My friend thought he made a good construction joke.

Unfortunately there was absolutely no build up

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good Sex is like a Bad Joke.

I don't get it.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde woman read, in Cosmo, that milk is really good for your skin.

Now this was a woman who wanted perfect skin all over so her master-plan was to fill up a bath, with milk, and soak for a few hours.

The next morning, the milkman arrived at the door and she asked "Hey, Mr Milkman, I wonder if you can help me here?"

"Of course, what's the problem?" he ...

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people say God is Good.

By that logic, Bob is Boob.

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satisfactory.

Trump being President is a good thing.

It teaches children that no matter who they are... No matter what they study... No matter what qualifications they have...

ANYone can be President.

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

My girlfriend gave me a hand job with some vaseline last night, wasn't very good... I didn't finish...

Came 3 times washing the stuff off though.

Why was the Jewish kid who transferred to the catholic school suddenly so good at math?

He saw the guy stapled to the plus sign and knew they meant business

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone knows good ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was given a choice at birth I could either have a large penis or a good memory

I don’t remember which one I picked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

It's not good to joke about molestation...

It's a touchy subject.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

I just made up a really good fencing joke!

EDIT: Nevermind, apparently it's a riposte.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good cause

A man answers his door to see two women, one of whom is holding a clipboard. She introduces herself as Kelly and informs him that the other woman, Alex, is trying to set the world record for most times doing it doggy style in a day. Kelly explains that Alex's reasoning for this is that world record ...

Does anyone have any good jokes about anti-vax kids?

I love these because they never get old.

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

Why do Chinese people get good grades in maths?

Because their dogs don't eat their homework

Why is it good to always go out to eat?

Cooking at home is counterproductive.

Carrots are good for your eyes.

But enough alcohol doubles your eyesight.

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is

Stand up comedian

Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have ...

What's good about having twenty one year old girls?

Theres twenty of them

What do you call a good fitting bra?

A girl's breast friend

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are Nazis good at math?

They know the final solution.

Why is Pepsi never the punchline of a good joke?

Because nobody ever gets it.

Got a good handjob in a vegetative state.

Cream of the crop.

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

Friend: What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad one?

Me: Timing, delivery, word choice, audience?

Friend: Knowing when to shut up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

What's good for a headache?

Drinking heavily the night before.

Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store

So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

My ophthalmologist is very good looking

She is easy on the eyes too

I’m good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

A good one to say when you screw up

"Call me German because I'm the wurst."

Why are peppers so good at smack talk?

Because they get jalepeno business

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

Why are trees good at math?

They know how to get square roots

Socialism looks like a pretty good idea on paper.

Unless that paper's in a history book.

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

What do you call a noun that is very good at its job?

A pronoun

I was trying to come up with a good joke about the drinks at the party

But it was lacking a punch line.

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son: Dad, why do good people die young?

Dad: When you're in a garden, which flowers do you pick?

Son: The ugly ones.

Dad: Exac--- wait, what? Why?

Son: Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s really good on pie, but awful on pussy?

Crust

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

I fondly remember the good times of living in the Netherlands eating egg yolk based sauces

... ahhhh the hollandaise

What do you call a dinosaur good at healing burns?

An aloesaurus

Donald Trump is enacting tariffs on $200bn of Chinese goods, harming consumers like me.

I'm tariffied.

Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover?

Everybody could tell he was a plant

I met my good friend, who mixes up directions, for the first time in years. The first thing he said was,

"What's down?"

This is a good rhyme/quote for your ex

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

You know how you can tell furries are actually good people?

Because Hell hath no furry

What do you call a good joke about Steaks?

A rare medium, well done.

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

I’d like to consider myself a good catch for anyone!

Because I weigh 220lbs.

New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

Why is Yoda such a good gardner?

Because he has two green thumbs.
(happy May the 4th)

I’m really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

but I don’t know why.

5 people that think communism is good walk into a bar...

The bartender says “We don’t serve alcohol to people under 18”

Some people think it’s a good idea to keep the Native people in these rural ghettos...

...but I have my reservations.

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

How to make a good joke

Wait this isn’t google

How do you say good bye to two hundred thousand Indonesians?

A big wave.

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

One good thing about getting old and losing memory.

I can hide my own Easter eggs.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

Avocado: Hello, I'm good fat

Bacon: \*lights cigarette\* \*punches avocado\*

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My good friend is a narcoleptic...

It’s so weird. One moment, we’re just having a conversation like two normal people.

The next, I’m having sex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nazis are really good at making you fall for something.

They’re professional gas-lighters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

what elongates when you pull on it, fits perfectly in a hole and good between breasts?

a dick.

what did you think i was gonna say, a seatbelt?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

My friend is really good with traps.

I guess you could call him a master baiter.

I’ve never heard a good steak pun

But to be fair it is a rare medium well done

Milk is good for you

Casein point.