Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools to practise

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

The secret to a good wife...

Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age.
Make sure these four women never meet.

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

You know the only good thing about quarantine?

I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.

Communism sounds good on paper...

..unless you’re reading a history book.

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

Why are british people so good at chess?

Their queen never dies.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

They say good dads are hard to find...

But bad dads are even harder to find

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

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What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?

A bad lawyer will fuck you, but a good lawyer will get you off

A good farmer is not just good at what he does

He’s the best in his field

Im so good at sleeping

....that I can do it with my eyes closed.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Children Jokes are so good!

They never get old.

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Toast to your good life

Paddy O'Brien was at the pub and hoisted his beer saying, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life inbetween the legs of me wife!”

Everyone cheered and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he says to his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for t...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

“Nice guys finish last” is a good thing.

Women hate it when the guy finishes first.

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They say make-up sex is the best, which is good for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

I'm so good at chemistry

They call me Mr

I quit smoking for good today!

.. now I only smoke for evil.

Good smile

You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can, you just want me to make you smile today.

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

My mate from Newcastle told me he was good at flirting,

so I pushed him in the river but he started to sink...

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

How many pilots do you need for good music?

At least 22.

I’m new to the stock market and I’ve been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I’ll explain.

That’s when I tend to buy them.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What do you say when a good electric conductor is living on the streets?

It's ohmless.

What does a good book and an old dog have in common?

You can’t put it down.

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

Good job to whoever named it a 'Prince Albert'.

It has a nice ring to it.

Does anyone know any good groundhog day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over...

Was I a good husband?

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

...

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Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

A guy and his girlfriend were getting frisky, and he says “I’m pretty good, god-like even” as he starts to go down on her.

“Oh god! Oh god!” she’s screaming and thinks “he really is god-like” as she finishes with an “ooooooh gooooooood!”. He lifts his head, spits in the water glass on the night stand, and proclaims, “Red wine!!”

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is!

Frankly, I don't know what good it is either!

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Why is it always good to have a chronic masturbator around?

Because they come in handy.

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

Why was the mushroom hunter a good person?

He had really good morels

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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My doc says there is good news about my dementia

I get to fuck a different woman every day.

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

I've never been very good with mental math. At times its like the numbers move around and disappear into the distance.

I'm not unique, many people struggle with roamin' numerals.

Last night my wife left the hummus out and this morning she asked if it was still good.

Couldn't believe she was serious... she's obviously never had an old chickpea in her mouth.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas!

The housing market is flooded.

Im not very good with greek mythology

Thats my Hercules Heel

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

If I'm good at lip reading correctly...

Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Good Trade !

I remember once when I was driving home from one of my business trips through Northern Arizona, when I saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he'd would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, ...

Looking Good

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks.

At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."


"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

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Why isn't a mule as good as a donkey?

They always half-ass everything.

Making mirrors sounds like a good job

It's definitely something i can see myself doing

My uncle is like a good love story

Very touching

What's better than a good, cheesy joke?

A grated cheesy joke !

Good fairy gave a fox and a rabbit three wishes

Fox’s first wish was a female fox.

Rabbit wished for a sack full of carrots.

Fox wished for a second female fox.

Rabbit’s second wish was a moped.

Fox’s third wish was a third female fox.

Rabbit threw the sack of carrots on his back, hopped on the moped and started...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

Good news! This month your wife will nag you less

Nothing related to astrology....

Because this month has only 28 days

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Sex & Good Grammar NSFW

**On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.** **The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who** **was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medic...

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

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