An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

why are child predators good people?

they drive slow in the school zone

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

How come when my son does something good, my wife says he's HER son...

But when he burns down his school, suddenly it's "*our* son"?

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

This sub isn't as good as it used to be

Said the captain as he decommissioned the old submarine.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I was never good with people.

Even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for the women turning.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Was Einstein's theory good?

Relatively.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to embarass my wife by telling all of my friends that she's not good in bed.

Everyone disagreed with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones..

Argon.

I thought I had a good joke about space but...

I needed more time to planet.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

Why are blind pianists so good if they can't look at the keys?

You don't have to C, you just have to B#

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

Doctors are pretty good artists.

They are great at drawing blood.

What do you put on a good fruits grave stone?

R.I.P.E.

Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs?

He has a batting cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

Russia isn’t doing a good job at achieving world power

Maybe they should Putin more effort

Why does killer whale feces have such a good smell?

Because it's sham-poo

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

They used to say that even bad advertising is good, Blizzard just discovered that is no longer true...

When everyone has phones

I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

There’s nothing like a good sense of humor.

And you have nothing like a good sense of humor.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was

“Popeye DSLR man!”

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas

but they usually go over people's heads

While playing golf today I hit two good balls...

...I stepped on a rake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: Babe can you tell me something that makes me feel good and bad at the same time?

Wife: Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick.

Bad news /good news surgeon

As I was laying in my hospital bed, freshly out of anesthesia the surgeon looked at me and said :
- I have a bad news and a good one to tell you!
-what's the bad news?
-your disease was beyond healing, you'll have just few weeks left to live!
-(sobbing) and the good news?
-My daughte...

If my good friend is my ‘brother from another mother’

Then my Mexican friend is my ‘relation from an adjacent nation’.

Why was the youtuber so good at handling cows?

Because he was used to milking content.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

What would you call Breaking Bad if it were good?

Breaking Bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is good in bed.

She easily sleeps till 11am.

Why is it not good to hear high pitched sounds?

It hertz

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

A good romance starts with a foundation of friendship and respect.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma, gaga ooh la-la.

Teacher: Name something beginning with E that you are not very good at.

Student: Spelling!

Why are women good historians

Because they know their periods

Why was the mushroom farmer a good person?

He had really good morels.

I am so good at sleeping

I can do it with my hands on my back

I bought a surprisingly good pen in Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I relish a good pun. Also ketchup and mustard.

'Cause you mustard that pun by now. If not, you better ketchup.

I have a good feeling about my job interview today...

They said they were looking for someone responsible.

Every time there was a problem at my old job, I was told that I was responsible!

Why Germans are so good at car engine manufacturing?

Because they have a lot of experience on combustion chambers

I am pretty good at almost all areas of Math

But graphing is where I draw the line

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

I had a breast exam today, it wasn't good.

I got 2 Ds.

Pray for good food

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

Why do skeletons make good consultants?

They’ve got no skin in the game, no guts and no balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 4:58PM and there's a good chance the receptionist at work wants to have sex with me

Either way I'm getting off in 2 minutes

Why are Spain such a good football team?

Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

A Good Man

A good man spends his life doing good deeds. One day he was flying back from Africa when his pane crashes near an uncharted island. He survives but is captured by cannibals.

The cannibals are prepping to cook him when he warns them.

"If you eat me, you guys are gonna feel sick and th...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

Socialism is good for only one thing.

Weight loss.

What’s the definition of a good farmer?

A man outstanding in his field

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cucumber is very good for the memory,

15 years ago my uncle put one in my ass and I still remember it.

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government : "The average income is $62,850, so we're good."

It's the same logic like: "Your parents have average one testicle."

What's the difference between good, better and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling

I’m really good at bowling

I always get a hole in one

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

What makes the scarecrow so good at his job?

He’s outstanding in his field.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

I wish I were good at telling pizza jokes

But I always botch the DiGiorno

The difference between a bad pizza joke and a good one...

is the delivery!

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Why is “Walden” such a good read?

Because the author is very Thoreau.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The good thing about a small penis is,

that it’s not a pain in the ass

John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you

are the one who can help me find someone like that.

What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Good Friend!

My friends been unwell, took some DVD's, and some ready meals....fingers crossed he's too ill to notice they've gone!!!

Doctor: Ive got some good news and some bad news

Patient: Hit me doc I can take it


Doc: The good news is you no longer have cancer


Patient: Thats fantastic


Doc: The bad news is youre severly depressed and at risk


Patient: Thats impossible Ive never been happier


Doc: Your medical bill says othe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She was in good hands

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be rude or seem politically incorrect, she decided that it's just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her sur...

Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

Why isn't Jesus good at playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

What the difference between an owl, and a good archer.

A good archer shoots and hits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are zebras good for?

For holding up ze german boobies.

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

Why are people on stage so good at small talk?

Because they have microphones

I think the death penalty is a good idea...

If executed properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

A doctor comes into a patient and says, "I've good news and I've bad news."

The patient says, "Give me the good news first."

The doctor replies, "The good news is that you get to name a newly-discovered disease."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke can be like a fart.

If you force it, it’s probably shit.

What’s 6.9?

A good time ruined by a period.

What do you call a really good looking piece of Swiss cheese?

A hole snack

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

The two pianists had a good marriage...

...They always were in a chord.

These Badminton players are really good

I hope they keep it up

I was lucky enough to see Albert Einstein give a lecture back in the day. It wasn’t very good

Relatively speaking.

Lot of good things about having a mum who's a hairdresser. Getting my hair dyed at home, for example.

That's a personal highlight.

I’m so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.