A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why are black people so good at basketball?

because they practice

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

Are you good at avoiding clickbait titles?

Apparently not.

Not good at relationships

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Thank goodness Reddit is back up

I was almost productive for a second there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A devout christian Canadian man is walking down the street when a group of Latino male prostitutes walk up to him and ask if he wants to have a good time...

The Canadian man quickly shooed them away yelling as they went "No way hoes eh"

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me

You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Being in Finland in these times makes me feel so good.

Lots of indoor finns.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

Good friends are like trees

They both fall if you hit them hard enough with an axe.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

Good looking people are always busy.

I could tell you why but I'm busy right now.

Having a big nose isn’t a good enough excuse to not wear a mask.

Take me for example. I still wear underwear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

My dad says I did a good job slicing the steak

To be honest I think I butchered it

They told Beethoven he'd never be good at music.

But did he listen?

What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument?

A fine point.

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

What’s one job Stephen hawking would be no good at?

Stand up comedy.

How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?

Give it a nipple

I quit drinking for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

What do you call a a really good fisherman

A master-baiter

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

Why are narwhals good at meeting new friends?

They are very good at breaking the ice.

My son walked up to me and told me I taught him good.

I guess I never taught him grammar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is good on pie, but not on pussy?

Crust.

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

I met a gorgeous girl in the bar last night and she promised to show me a good time...

So we went outside and she ran 100 metres in 9.69 seconds

A good number of my friends are racist.

Precisely zero - and that is a good number.

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

Why do hippies make good accountants?

Because they're from a counter-culture

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school

One day he surprised his teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Why is North Korea so good at geometry?

Because they have a supreme ruler!

My Dog's Pretty Good In Making Ends Meet

By Chasing His Tail!


I'll show myself out....

I suppose the one good thing about having Alzheimer's..

..is I get to laugh at all these great, original, witty Jokes on here...every day !!

A good friend of mine died last week.

A good friend of mine died last week. His wife asked me to speak at his funeral, but to please keep it short. When the time came, I was pretty emotional, but I was able to do it. I stood up, walked to the front of the room, and said "A small parcel of undeveloped land". I guess it was what she wante...

A good romance start with foundation of trust and a good friendship

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a good lawyer and a good coat have in common?

They both cover your ass.

My gf thinks I have a good sense of humor.

Until she found out this sub reddit.

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

A good dog is like a good book.

You can't put it down.

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

Why was the mermaid so good at math?

Because she wore an algae-bra.

What do you call a wizard who is good at calculus?

A mathemagician

So I was playing poker with my friends, and I was dominating. One of them asks, “How are you so good at this?” And another answered, “He’s got aces up his sleeves! Pat him down!” Which they did.

You wouldn’t believe how long it took for them to realize I was wearing a tank top.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?

They're all extra virgin.

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger,

All three girls die at the same time and at the staircase to heaven the angel says "okay on every step is a joke and if you can go up all 1000 steps you will go to heaven but if you laugh you will go down to hell."

So the brunette says "sounds easy" but when she makes it's to the 100th step s...

If you have semi good knowledge of science this might be funny to you.

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek. Albert was seeking, Newton and Pascal were hiding. When Albert goes out to seek he finds Isaac outside where he has drawn a square around himself. Albert asks Newton "What kind of hiding place is that Newton?" and Newton rep...

Why do fashion designers never have any good ideas?

They're too clothes minded.

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

Dr Dre isn't a very good doctor

if all his beats are sick

What do you call a good JoJoke?

High Polnareffort

“I’m sorry, your disease is very rare, and prognosis doesn’t look good”

“What do you mean? How rare is it?”

“Well, you get to name it”

Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job?

They are highly qualified.

Swimming’s good for you

Especially if you’re drowning

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE)

Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?

I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.

Why was the big fat guy good at making decisions?

He could trust his gut

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Good pizza and a bad prostitute?

The thickness of the crust.

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

“Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal.

It was a small price toupee'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator.~~ Fucking terrifying

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are caring sensitive and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

This joke was stolen from Ronald Reagan. And it’s good.

One day, an order went out to the police departments in the Soviet Union that anyone caught speeding, anyone, no matter who, gets a ticket. One day, the General Secretary was late leaving his country home to get to Moscow. He runs up to his limousine and tells the driver to get in the back, and that...

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

School is good

[Original]
A child walks in the restaurant and asks for tea gravy. The waiter says the don't have it in the menu and the kid pouted and went away.
After this happened 4-5 times, the kid started crying in the 6th restaurant asking for tea gravy again.
When the manager said they have never ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.