UPJOKE
alsobesidesas wellverymuchquitenotratherthoughoverlyexcessivelylikewiseevenenoughreally

Too Jokes

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

"I'm not serving you," said the bartender. "Too drunk."

"Sober up then you idiot," I slurred.

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store.

They cost $30! That's way too expensive.

I can get one much cheaper off of the web.

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

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A man loved his girlfriend Wendy so much

that he tatooed her name along the side of his erect penis. But when soft, you could only see the WY.

One day in an airport restroom, he noticed a man at the next urinal with a noticeable WY on his member. The first man stretched his penis out and said "hey, you must have a girlfriend named...

Why don't politicians ever tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

Because the punchline is too long!

What do you call a teacher who had too much Taco Bell?

A tooter.

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

George the mailman

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope....

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My friend got fired from his job at the pickle factory after he got caught with his penis in the pickle slicer.

As for the pickle slicer, she got fired, too.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

Why did the pilot take the elevator instead of the stairs?

Too many flights

I was gifted a resistor by an old monk

So far, I haven't been able to use it in any circuits due to it's abnormally high resistance. Too mamy ohms.

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

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A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

Why does an Irish chili have only 239 beans in it?

Because one more would make it *too farty*.

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Putins army isn't the only thing retreating

His hairline is, too.

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

I don't sleep with too many nuns...

... but I'm willing to get into the habit.

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I'm disappointed with all this sex on TV nowadays.

They're way too thin, I always fall off.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 20 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

Joe and Bernie remained friends in their old age.

One day, they were on a park bench and Joe says, "Man, when I was married, I would bang my wife every chance I got." Bernie says, "Yeah, me, too." Joe: "You never had a wife!" Bernie: "Oh, I thought we were talking about yours."

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

Roses are red...

Violets are blue...

WOLOLOLOLOOO!!!!

Ah shucks now the roses are blue too!

First Date.

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

Yo Mama is a Size Eight

Size Ate Too Much.

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

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Grandpa storie

Gramps: "Once on safari in Africa, we were charged by a rutting Rhino, and I crapped my pants"

Kid: "I would have too Grandpa"

Gramps: "No boy, I *just now* crapped my pants.."

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Laundry

A young couple lived in a small studio apartment, which was perfectly fine when it was just the two of them, but once their first baby arrived, things started getting a little crowded. They also started feeling a little self-conscious about discussing sex in front of their baby, even though he was ...

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

Clubhouse

A group of men are changing in the locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, wha...

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows way too high

You should have seen the surprised look on her face

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

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An old peasant buys a rooster

An old peasant buys a rooster for his farm

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The peasant is impressed. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the peasant finds the rooster lying ...

People care way too much about Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating habits.

The last time he dated a woman his age, she let him sink!

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

Two polar bear bros are chilling out on Greenland

They are getting a bit bored. But then suddenly one of them have an idea:

Polar bear 1 flicks the ear of Polar bear 2 and runs away while yelling: "you're too slow, you can't catch me!"

Polar bear 2 gets annoyed and starts running after Polar bear 1.

Polar bear 1 keeps running a...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.

The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.

The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair....

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Rural Court

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk. For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

I tried setting a password for my new Reddit account.

I put in “MyDick”.

It said the password was too short.

A six-year-old girl came home one day from school

and asked her mother, “Mama, how was I born?” The mother was embarrassed. She said, “A stork dropped you.” The girl noted that down.

Then she asked, “Mama, how were you born?” 

“A stork dropped me too.” 

“Mama, how was Grandmama born?” 

“A stork dropped her too.” 

...

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A guy goes to a hypnotherapist

- How much for a session?
- 1000$
- Oh, that way too much!
- This is not expensive at all
- This is not expensive at all, this is not expensive at all…

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy a...

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A newlywed couple was driving in the country…

As they’re driving along, the wife starts getting horny. She starts flirting with her husband and he starts getting horny. They both agree they have to have it RIGHT NOW. Being out in the country, out in the middle of nowhere to say little of being miles and miles from home, the husband pulls the ca...

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went off too college?

“I love you son, have a safe trip and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

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Eddie the Head

Eddie the Head was sad because his friends were playing football (soccer to our US friends) in the park and he could see them from his bedroom window. Eddie asked if he could join in. "Of course you can," they said. "You can be the ball!"

That night, bruised and bloody, Eddie lay in bed. "I h...

Why do you never insult a fat person?

They already have too much on their plate

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle...

He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'

The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I ha...

I had decided to be a different person and be productive

But the other person turned out to be unproductive too......

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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"


"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."


I'm shit at maths, too.

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insu...

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Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

Doctor’s visit.

Fellow goes to the doctor.

« Doc, I can barely breathe after walking only a few steps. And I even have trouble getting up after sitting down. »

Doctor replies, matter-of-factly, « I’m not surprised. You are grossly obese. You need to go on a diet. »

Fellow is outraged : « How...

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of g...

Jumper

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television clos...

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

Boss tells his new worker:

“You work really slow, you walk really slow, I watched you during lunch and you ate your sandwich really slowly too! Is there anything you can do fast!?”

The worker replays: “I get tired really fast!”

That's my wife

So, two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a mall like they're in a real-life game of Mario Kart.

They collide, and the old guy turns to the young guy and says, 'Sorry about that, I'm just trying to find my wife. I'm getting up there in age, and my memory ain't what ...

A man was once gifted a pet parrot.

The parrot was beautiful, and trained to talk by its previous owners. Unfortunately, it only swore loudly and angrily whenever it wanted attention.

To try to stop this, he put the parrot in a box. The man told the parrot, "I am putting you in this box because you wont stop swearing." For the ...

There once was a parade in honor of comrade Stalin's birthday

In the middle of the parade, Stalin had a great speech and everyone was saluting in silence.

While suddenly, Stalin heard a sneeze from the front rows. "Who was that?", he asks but there is no response.

"Confess or I execute everyone in the first row.", again no one spoke up. So Stalin...

Wanna hear a dad joke?

Well, too bad. It left to go get the milk a year ago.

An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.

"Yes, go get a priest."

"A priest? But we're Jewish!"

"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

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A group of mafia men are playing poker

One turns to the other and asks: "What's two times four?"

"Eight" the other answers, upon which the first guy pulls out his gun and shoots him down

"Why did you do that?!" another guy screams.

"He knew too much"

Why doesn't Leonardo DiCaprio have a PlayStation 2?

It's too old for him.

Help

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer t...

*CEO of a company dies*

Manager: silence, we are burying a great man today.

Employee: did some one else die too.

Credits: the IT crowd.

A guy walks into an optician

A guy walks into an optician and says: I think I need a new pair of glasses.

“I think so too sir. You’re in a bakery.”

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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

A man and his wife went on vacation to Israel, his mother-in-law decided to go, too.

One night on the trip, the mother-in-law died of a heart attack. The couple visited a local undertaker who said that it would cost $1500 to take the woman's body back to the US.

"However," said the undertaker, "We could have the funeral and bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150."
...

Why did the cross dressing pilots career never take off?

Too much drag

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Son to father

Son: Dad , maths teacher has summoned you.

Dad: what did you do now?

Son: he asked what is 5 times 10, i said 50. Now whats 10 times 5

Father: what kind of shitfuckery is this?

Son: exactly thats what i said.

next day…

Son: Did you visit maths teacher?
...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, a bit taken aback, replies, "I've just lost my best friend, a cowboy who took care of me and rode me for years. He died in a tragic accident on the ranch."

Feeling bad for the horse, the bartender offers ...

What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too

Imagination

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A man is chatting up a woman in a bar....

she leans over and says, Would you like a little pussy? Hell yeah he said. Me too she said, mine is as big as a canoe.

Indian motorcycles hired an outside accountant to figure out their declining revenue. the board of directors required all C-level executives to attend the reporting. He found that the executives were overpaid limiting production.

In summary: too many Chiefs not enough Indians.

Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend?

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

A journalist, a physicist and a mathematician are going on a field trip…

And they come across a group of cows with black and white spots, grazing in the distance. The journalist is excited: “We’ve seen a group of black and white spotted cows, therefore we can conclude that in this area all cows must have black and white spots!”

“You’re being too hasty, my friend”,...

I always wanted to visit Ireland one day

So I took a vacation there. I did all the stereotypical tourist things like drank in the pubs, saw the beautiful natural wonders, watched a game of football, visited the Blarney Stone, and so on.

Before I left, I figured I would buy a nice souvenir. And what better to take home from the Eme...

Why did the hedgehog and the squirrel stop being friends?

The hedgehog was too prickly and the squirrel was too nutty

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside...

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!"...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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A husband’s gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his...

Job Interviewer~ What would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me\~ I am too honest.

Job Interviewer\~ I don't think of that as a weakness at all.

Me\~ Well, I don't really give a sh\*t what you think.

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

So my bird died

So I bought this Canary bird some time ago and it kept picking at my blinds which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I go to the vet and ask for advice.

The vet tells me to file off the birds beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to p...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

This guy walks into a bar

This guy walks into a bar and notices there's slabs of meat all over the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks why there's meat everywhere.

The bartender responds "it's part of our new promotion. If you manage to touch the slabs, your drinks are free all night. If you fail, it's $20 p...

The hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but ...

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

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Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a...

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

Two chemists went to dinner together

After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."

Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."

He gulped down his drink and then he died.

Why didn’t the life guard save the drowning hippie ?

Because he was too far out, man….

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

I knew it was too good to be true. I’ve just found out my wife’s been cheating for TWO YEARS!!

I just knew no one could be that good at Call of Duty without using an aimbot.

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

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What is impossible to stick in nearly half the time but too damn easy to pull out?

Those damn USB keys.

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There were plans to have Chuck Norris's face on Mt. Rushmore

Unfortunately, the plans had to be scrapped because the granite was too soft to make his beard.

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

"Can't attack that position. My men are exhausted."

Spoken by a NATO general it means his soldiers are too tired and would not be able to attack without heavy losses.

Spoken by a Russian general it means his supply of men has been exhausted i. e., there are no alive men left to send.

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A man going 160 km/h on a highway.

He looks back and sees a police car following him, so he goes 270 km/h.

He thought to himself “I’m too old for this shit”, so he slows down and park on the sideway for the police to come.

The police officer approach and says;

“I’m going off duty to spend the holidays with my fam...

An owl gets thirsty

An owl gets thirsty during his evening flight. He spots a group of 13 male owls hanging out in a tree and approaches them.

"Hey, I'm thirsty", he hoots, "Know any good bars around here to get a drink?"

"No", they hoot back, "But we're thirsty too. We'll go searching for a place to drin...

When my grandfather first came to this country, he had nothing but a shirt on his back.

When the immigration people finally caught up to him, they made him put on pants too.

I had to take my brother to the hospital after a hornet landed on his face and it swelled up massively.

It didn't sting him, or anything. I was just a little too late with the shovel...

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Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

I was making a mocha in the barn

when I spilled some hot chocolate mix. I used my fingers to turn the mess into a rough picture of my pet rooster.

Shortly thereafter, the rooster himself strolled by, looked at my sketch and made a cocoa doodle too.

Dear diary,

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious o...

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

==========

The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

A boy goes up to his father and asks...

- Hey dad, can i date with the neighbour's daughter, Alice?

+No, because i am her dad, the father answers.

-Okay then i will date Olivia.

+Nope, she is also my daughter.

-Charlotte?

+She too.

-Then what about Emma???

+She too.



The boy g...

In memory of recently passed Benedict XVI

WW2. Young german soldier captures pole. At the moment he aiming to shoot him lightning crack the sky and they hear God's voice:
- Don't shoot him, he is a future Pope
- Wow what about me?
- Ok, fine, you too

An American man is traveling in Sweden. NSFW

He goes to the local bar one night and picks up a tall, beautiful Swedish lady. They go back to his hotel and start making out. They French kiss deeply, he pulls back and says “In America, we call that a Strawberry Sundae!” She responds “Yah, shuure, vee do too.”

He proceeds to undress her a...

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two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

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