I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

I don't know how to tell my wife of 15 years that she's been using her teeth WAY too often when she goes down on me.

How do I soften the blow?

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People say I'm too aggressive and sexually suggestive.

Fuck those assholes.

My girlfriend told me that she's leaving because I'm too immature...

Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...

No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised...

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

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My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?

It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.

-------------------

My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much

What a stupid thing to fallout 4

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

My girlfriend said I was too creative

Since that is the reason we came together, I decided it was over.

So I just unimagined her.

Financial studies are too hard.

I always lose interest.

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

I hate when revolving doors move too fast

It's a pane in the ass

What do you call a man who had too much to drink?

A cab :)

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell

on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

My wife was giving me a hard time about drinking too much over the weekend. I finally agreed to quit cold turkey.

I don't much care for leftovers anyway.

If your students are too tall, just go into a brighter room.

Your pupils will get smaller.

A man had too much to drink...

He was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at two in the morning?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to ...

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My dick isn't too big or too small...

I have a medium dick

It can talk to ghosts...

Nobody even noticed that Thailand announced they were starting a Space Force too....

Who’s really worried about Thai fighters anyway?

I hate it when someone doesn’t know difference between to and too

Its just two annoying.

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What happens when a Jew goes too far?

Castration.

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

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A man walks up to a woman, and says "I could tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long"

The woman turns to the man and says "I could tell you a joke about my pussy, but you wouldn't get it"

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

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What happens when you fuck an angle too hard?

You get a rectangle.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

My girlfriend said I was too creative

So I just unimagined her

What do you call it when someone can’t breath, and you’re too intimidated to try and help them?

Choking

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

After years of trying to convince my wife of the need to spice up our love life, she took one look at me as I walked in the door from work and told me I was too dirty, go in the back door.

Unfortunately, I must have misinterpreted something. I need bail money and a divorce lawyer.

My blond girlfriend ain't too bright. I told her I played Russian roulette once.

She asked me if I lost.

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

Why are blind people too hard to joke around with?

They’re too touchy.

My girlfriend left me because I'm too understanding.

I can relate to that.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

My nose is too big.

It can run but it can't hide.

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A boy asks a girl if she wants to hear a joke about his penis. He then says, ”Nevermind, it’s too long.”

The girl asks if he wants to hear a poem about her vagina. She says, ”Nevermind, it's too deep.”

You know in the past I made jokes about Americans, but now that's getting too dangerous for me...

When they fire back it's lethal.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

Barber took too much of the top...

I went in saying "Just some off the top"

He must have not understood, because I left circumcised.

I still gave him a good tip.

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

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I too was invited to the Premature Ejaculators Meeting but I wasn't sure when it was.

So I came early.

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What do you call a Bisexual thats been single for way too long

on standBi

My girlfriend left me because I'm too laid back.

Well, I think she left me. Haven't seen her in like a month.

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

My step-dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school because "I was too stupid to be a doctor"

8 years later one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

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A man walks into a bar, orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says "Hey, buddy, are you okay?"

The man says "No, honestly, I'm not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and... I caught her in bed with another man."

The bartender says "Oh, man, that's awful! What are you going to do?"

The man: "I'm gonna drink myself to death. I just...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

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Bob had been at the bar too long

He felt nauseous and went to the restroom where he threw up. He went back to the bar and exclaimed tho the bartender that his wife was going to kill him because he had just thrown up all over the sleeve of the jacket his wife had just bought him.
The bartender says don’t Bob, don’t tell her you ...

I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big

He was ostrich-sized :/

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm

Ruthless.

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A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom...

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

My wife accused me of being too childish.

So I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Don't worry too much about Net Neutrality!

Spending extra dollars to use some websites will give you a "sense of pride and accomplishment"!

The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

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85% of women say their ass is too fat, 10% say their ass is too skinny

The other 5% say he’s my husband and I accept him how he is

My grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology."

I replied, "No, *your* generation relies too much on technology" and turned off his life support.

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet.

Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

My girlfriend was picking a bra to buy when I said "Bras dont suit you, your too flat"

My girlfiend then said "Well, you wear briefs right?"

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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My wife thinks I’m too insecure.

At least that’s what I overheard her telling her therapist.

Guys, I am diagnosed with multi personality disorder!

Hahaha, me too

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A big grizzly bear was taking a shit in the woods and noticed a rabbit taking a shit too. Bear says hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

No said the rabbit so the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

My colleague finally joined a support group for people who talk way too much

It's called On and On Anon

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

My friend told me my hobbies were too basic

That was the most scientific way I've ever been offered acid

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

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When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

I think the Rainforest Bistro takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

One time, I was sitting there, eating my hamburger, and they bulldozed half the restaurant!

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I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom ...

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire

but I still haven’t ruled it out.

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

I’ve been too indecisive my whole life!

Or have I..?

Lady asked her doctor, "My husband has taken to eating dog food. It's bland, boring and it's helping him lose a ton of weight. Cheap too."



The doctor told her that it wouldn't harm him, as long as he took a multivitamin to replace the C and B vitamins that are deficient in dog food.

Six months later, he saw her in the grocery store, "How's your husband doing on the dog food diet?"

"He died."

"What! Real...

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Flat-Earthers believe in karma, too. They be like ' What goes around....

comes across'.

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I did Nazi that coming

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"

*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"

*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

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"So there's a man in an elevator, and as the doors are closing, he sees this young, fine looking lady hurriedly make her way to the elevator too, so he stops the doors and lets her get on.

'Where are you headed?' he asks, standing by the buttons.

'Oh, I'm going to the clinic on the fourth floor,' the lady says, 'I'm going to go donate some eggs and make a quick hundred dollars.'

At this, the man starts to chuckle.

'What's so funny?'

'Well, it's just that I'...

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Masturbating too much leads to two things

Loss of memory and something else…

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy

I made a pair of gloves out of clocks and watches, but they’re too heavy to wear.

I guess I’ve just got too much time on my hands.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

Wait till she finds out I downvoted her comment.

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I took my little sister to the cinema. Apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

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