My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really, really, really strong weightlifter?

Repetitions.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender considers it and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat. He then reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender was impressed.

After the man finishes his dr...

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know cucumbers are really good for your memory?

Someone shoved one up my ass 20 years ago, and I still remember it!

My teen daughter is acting really odd.

She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply.

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair.

That only leaves the man with 30c.

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

What do you call a really old OBGYN?

A Gynosaur

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

My best friend really changed when she became a vegetarian ...

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

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I just finished watching a porn movie with a really emotional story at its core.

It was such a tear jerker.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

So I have a thing for science jokes and there's this one joke about Sodium that I really love.

But then I was like Na, reddit probably won't get it

Did you hear? The new Nvidia RTX 3080Ti has been announced, it has a $1,200 retail price which is pretty cheap really. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to buy one..

As I can only afford $3,000.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Typically when a woman is really beautiful, what does her husband do?

His wife.

Some people say I'm really good at arguing

I'm a master debater

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?

European!

This was one of my dad's jokes

Russians really don't like to share.

I just bought a new apartment the other day and went to say hi to one of my new Russian neighbors.
Instantly this guy just says "private" or "privet" or something like that.
I just wanted to say hi...

I’m getting really good at beating computers

Captcha thinks I’m not even human

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What do you call a really cheap male prostitute?

Five dollar footlong.

It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’.

So I got her a bag of peas.

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Last weekend I got really drunk at a bar and lost my virginity with a cougar

The zookeeper was pretty quick to get the cops on scene and arrest me.

Movie really spoke to the schizophrenic in me.

To both of them actually.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!


PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

The French mathematician really tried to convince the antivaxxer,...

"but 'e is not rational."

there's really only one reason India is just now experiencing Covid-19

they run on Internet explorer.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I'm really worried about my brother's kleptomania condition.

I wish he'd take something for it.

A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence

"The marbles fell out of my pocket."
Vs
"The marbles fell out of my colon."

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Russian roulette is really fun

5/6 of me and my friends say it’s safe. R.I.P. Dylan

I once meet a girl on a hook-up app. She was really into daddy daughter roleplay.

We did it, then I never spoke to her again. Since her dad left her, I thought I'd just commit to the role.

I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine

Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock

My wife has been dressing up in really weird nun outfits over the last few weeks

She has been getting into some really strange habits recently

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

I called work to say I can’t come in today as I’m really sick...

The boss asked what’s wrong with me, I just told him I’m in bed with my sister.

I really have no idea what carbon dating is...

But, I'll try anything at this point.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life.

It's my oughtobiography.

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

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A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to do a number 2. The best alternative he could think of was to do it on a bedsheet, grab the bedsheet and get rid of everything by throwing it out the window. It fell on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he starte...

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

I really can’t stand people who take drugs.

Such as customs officer’s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You really expect me to wait in this long ass line just for Vietnamese soup?

That’s a big Pho Queue

You know what’s really worth its weight in gold?

Gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Book never written: "Disciplining Really Disobedient Kids"

...by A. S. Swooping

How do you write a 21st birthday message for a guy when you only really know two things about him, that he’s an anti-vaxxer and that he likes Fozzie Bear? So far I’ve only got the first two lines.

“You would’ve been 21 today. Wokka wokka.”

My bulimic friend has a really big ego.

He just can’t seem to swallow his pride.

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

German taxes really are...

The wurst

Ghosts are really terrible liars

You can see right through them.

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.

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Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…

But she did.

I really like roller coasters, but...

There's a lot of ups and downs.

Please can we stop with the ur mom jokes, they are getting really boring and are doing my head in

Just like ur mom

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers

He just wanted to put them in their place.

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it.

Too much backstory.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

You know what really grinds my gears?

Not using the clutch pedal

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I am a really great multitasker...

I can fuck up many things at a time...

My wife called me an eyesore, when she really meant "sight for sore eyes"

And I'm going to keep telling this to myself so I can maintain the strength it requires to make it through this life.

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain really did have so much in common.

Because both were successful punk rockers, who are most well known for killing Kurt Cobain.

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i really really hate scat porn

fuck that shit man

As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ...

Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.

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A duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.

"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!“

What's a really good joke?

>!Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!<

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

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Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

I really want to be a father some day.

But my son keeps insisting that I start right away.

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Doctor: You really have to stop masturbating!

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Otherwise I can‘t do the examination.

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

(A tad NSFW) A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.

I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

My friends told me I don't really get comedy

I think they were joking

Man it was really raining cats and dogs today.

Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle.

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

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Did you know that mushrooms are really similar to frog poop?

They're toadstools.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

After being on Reddit for a year, I'm having a really hard time writing this..

After all, coming up with the perfect joke is no piece of cake!

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

My knees are getting really worn down..

They’re on their last legs

What do you call a really quick muslim?

Fasting.

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows


Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

I'm really worried for the calendar

It looks like it's days are numbered

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

I am really good at finances

All my bills are outstanding

Jesus must have had really bad internet

his revival lagged for 3 days

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After quarantine I realized I'm really into CROSSFIT

I CROSS my fingers and hope I can FIT my ass in those jeans.

I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good.

Now I want Arby’s.

A know a couple of friends who dug a really deep hole, only to find water

They really struggled, but in the end all was well.

I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory.

We have been inseparable ever since we met.

Just got my covid vaccine and I’m really feeling it...

I’m really glad that guy behind Walmart had a few extra shots

Once, i throwed a boomerang really fast

I’ve been living in fear since that day

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.

He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.

After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

I was really surprised when I was born.

So much so that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

I decided to try writing some erotica. At first it was really easy.

And then it got hard.

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I met a really nice girl on a first date.

Her: I bathe in milk, can you go to the shop and get some please.

Me: Pasteurized.?

Her: No just up to my tits will be fine...

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

This waitress asked me a really stupid question

She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"

I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."

A decapitated head fell on me today. It looks really similar to mine. I immediately started screaming.

I may have gotten a head of myself.

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We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

I don't really follow the Royals but...

My sincere condolences to those who died in the car accident next month.

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Is it really sexual assault

...if you say no Cuomo after?

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

What is blue and not really heavy at all?

Light blue!

Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

After I hit my head really hard, I swore.

I guess I was con-cussing.

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My wife wants to make a porno with me and I'm really excited

I'm going to be playing the husband who goes to work

I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past.

It’s time to talk about my problematic future.

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

“Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

Really tired today...

Feels like I had a long March.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

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