This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

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I'm really loving my new Note 20 Ultra, now with up to 5x optical zoom!

I can finally take a dick pic

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ...

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
“Oh come on man” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I hate to see a man crying”.
“This is the worst day of my life” I sob. “I’m a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I wen...

I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.

I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.



TL;DR: I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.

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I prayed to God to send me a really awesome lover...

He told me go fuck myself.

For almost the last ten years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was really hurt and upset when I didn't receive one this year.

First me granny dies, now this...

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

My wife is really upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed down my stuff, and right.

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Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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A guy really wants to impress his girlfriend.

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.

One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was M...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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Your sex life really doesn't change as you get older.

When you're in your 20s, it's tri-weekly.

When you're in your 40s, it's try weekly.

When you're in your 60s, it's try weakly.

I really hate it when...

...autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but..

I just wish they would make me a fresh plate.

My ex girlfriend is going to make some guy really happy one day.

When she breaks up with him.

If the Coronavirus really isn't about a beer...

Then why do I keep seeing cases of it?

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.

Sitting at the ER.. I don’t really want to go into details

But the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a very misleading product.

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My masturbation addiction and lycanthropy are really messing up my sleep.

I'm up all night tossing and turning.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and say, "Wow. It is really hot in here."

The other muffin screams, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

I really hate satellites....

They’re just a waste of *space*

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

What do you call a a really good fisherman

A master-baiter

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

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He started slowly undoing his belt from under the table. She bit her lips. Was this really happening? Here? "Fuck it" she thought, and she started undoing her own belt from under the table.

He motioned to the waiter "another round of wings please"

They smiled at each other, knowing they both had room now.

My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband is really arrogant about his ballsack.

He's so egotesticle.

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Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really don't like tight spaces.

That's why I shag your mum.

I don't really like having fights going downhill...

...but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches

When I die, I really hope it's peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not in some horrible accident, like his passengers.

Looks like the time of being a gentleman is really at an end. I opened the door for a pretty young lady, and all she could do was look at me in complete terror, and scream.

As she flew out of the plane.

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

Heaven was becoming overcrowded to the point where Saint Peter asked if he could only let people in who had a really bad day before he died.

Once God approved, Peter went back to the pearly gates and saw a line. Excited about the new order he went to the first person and said, “tell me about the day you died.”

The first person said, “it was horrible, I could have sworn my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to c...

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When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

But what he really wants ...

While my mother was pregnant with me, my parents warned my three-year-old brother not to get his heart set on either a brother or a sister, as they didn't know what I would be. He seemed to understand but added this caveat: "Well, if it's a dog, I hope it's a Boxer".

I’ve never really understood how jokes work

So one day I told my friends I was going to be doing some comedy. I even got a bouncer and rolled out a red carpet for this big event. I texted everyone I knew. I was so excited for it. However, when my friends showed up and saw me standing at the end of the carpet with boxing gloves on, they turned...

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

Wanna know how to make Texans really mad?

Cut Alaska in half, so Texas becomes the *third* largest state.

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake?

A motor goat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I have enough saved up, I'm going to convert my cellar into a sex dungeon to really indulge my freaky kinks.

But for now it's just going to be debasement.

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

What do you call a really scary, racist clown?

A big It

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get paid to write poop jokes all day long and post them here on reddit. Personally, I don’t really like doing my job...

Butt duty calls

Melons really got screwed with restrictions on big weddings this year. They can't just go off and get hitched on their own...

...because they cantaloupe.

Do you know what a really cool name for a country would be?

Chad

Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm.

And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

Proof we don't really trust anyone:

"Are you sitting on the remote?"

"No"

"..stand up so I can see"

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

For the life of me, I cannot find a trumpet for my castrated friend! I guess they really are...

Eunuch horns

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

What do you call a psychic who's really bad

Telepathetic

When I donate blood, I really hope it goes to a woman

So that I can at last, be inside one.

It is really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

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There's a German Shepherd that comes to crap on my lawn every day. It's really annoying.

Yesterday, it got even worse because he brought all his sheep with him!

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What do call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator.~~ Fucking terrifying

People with masks that don't cover their nose don't really bother me...

they're all mouth-breathers anyway.

My dad told this one to me and it’s really corny

What do you call a chicken who counts it’s eggs?

A mathemachicken

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

Did you hear Adele got a really bad sunburn?

She details the experience in her new song, "Aloe From the Other Side"

I'm really sad Regis Philbin passed away

I think I'll phone a friend!

Man I really love my furniture...

Me and my recliner go way back.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

You've really got to hand it to the short people

Because they usually can't reach it anyway.

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

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My GF is really starting to remind me of my dog...

We cuddle, I take her out every now and then, we walk together, I feed her...

And in exchange, we have sex!

My friend says I’m really childish...

But honestly I think immature.

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

I used to really hate my hair

But it's growing on me

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

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Iraqi girls are really good hip hop dancers

They really know how to Baghdad ass up

My parents were really worried when they sent me in for a blood test

I can’t wait to rub it in their faces. I scored really high on everything!

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

You guys might have heard this before also sorry if I have really bad grammar

So there’s these two hunters walking in the woods. They’re just walking around when suddenly one of them falls down as if he’s dead. Immediately the other whips out his phone and calls 911.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“I think my friend is dead!”

“Ok sir, you need to calm down....

Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal!

Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?

Paul: It is half past 9.

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

Did you hear about the pasta sauce that was really good at knocking down pins?

It was a bowlin’ ace.

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

If Reddit was a video game, it'd be really broken and unbalanced

Because everyone would be OP

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory.

But I just didn't fit in.

My pet fish is really good at tricking people

It's a catfish

Doc,what's really wrong with me? Tell me straight.

"Well,there isn't a single thing wrong with you. Everything is perfect."

"Good" the man replies. "Could you tell my wife that?"

I really look up to beautiful plus size women in ads.

They’re my roll models.

I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees

I think she's a keeper

My cat is really fat and chubby

Most people would call her “fubby” but french people would call her “chat”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

I used to be really indecisive

Now I'm not sure

I really don't understand how Karen’s aren’t in better shape...

They’re always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

I really need to stop procrastinating.

Eh I'll Start tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this who really takes care of his body

One morning he looks in the mirror a see's an allover tan except his penis, "I need to remedy this" he says.
He go's down to the beach and burys himself in the sand and leaves his penis sticking out.
Two old lady's are strolling by and one looks down and says "There's really no justice in the ...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

Something that happened to me in real life which is really funny.

So one day i was going for a movie. It was me and my friends. Some other random dude came into the lift. He pressed "g" aka ground floor and then i asked him why he pressed g because we were on the ground floor. He replied by saying "Because g means go".

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches

They're my grains

My wife said she really wanted to give me a titjob.

I said "OK, but if I come too fast, it's on you."

You know what's really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

I have a really good joke about the Jonestown massacre....

But the punchline is too long.

They say I'm overconfident

Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!

Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Sleeping is really easy

I do it with eyes closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man is driving on the highway and he really needs to jerk off...

So he pulls over to the side of the road, gets on his knees behind the car, and starts going at it.

With him behind the car and on his knees, people driving by will think that he's fixing his car instead of masturbating. The man closes his eyes to intensify the masturbating.

About 15 m...

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

I didn’t really understand baseball in the past

Just didn’t catch it back then

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David Blaine is really good at hiding his boner

He’s a master of missed erection.

Apparently I have a foot fetish. Feet make me so excited, but I'm always ashamed. I really want to deny it, but after a year of lying to myself...

I accept defeat

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