As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!

I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said “you’re severely diabetic” but I know what she meant. She said I’m type 2 and I told her she’s my type too

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the o...

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it.

If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

I have a really good joke about helium

But it'll get no reaction like my cake day.

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So i went.


And I saw my dad.

I really hate it when people say “SAY NO TO DRUGS”

I mean if I’m talking to my drugs, then I already said yes.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

Everyone was really excited at the Autopsy Club

It was open Mike night

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

I was a really poor student...

My English teacher once told me that he loves cooking children and pets. He also tried to teach me about commas being really important but I didn't pay attention to that part.

I really really want to perform a song for you.

It would be the "I sing on my cake" day.

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”


Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”


Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”


Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock

Shoulda picked paper

My new neighbours listen to Metallica really loud all hours of the night!

I mean, they may not want to, but they do.

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

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My boss gets really pissy when I call him "Dick".

I think it's because his name is "Neil".

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.

I don't really care if the earth is round or flat.

Because it's pointless either way.

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I get really horny whenever I eat pasta

the doctor said I got a fetishini

Sometimes you really are what you eat.

For example, I just ate a cannibal.

I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.

My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”

I really hope my wife gets covid

She always says the reason she doesn’t swallow is because she doesn’t like the taste

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

I really need to make a Beryllium joke, quick.

But I still don't know what it'll Be.

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

What was the name of that really annoying scientist?

Isaac Nuisance

I had a random thought right now: cheese really isn't that great.

It's just a curd to me.

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

I said to my wife, 'it's really muggy outside today."

She looked at me and replied, 'if I go outside and all of our mugs are on the lawn, I'm leaving you!"

\*\*Me: Smugly continued sipping coffee from a bowl

Why don't foot amputees really care when they lose a game?

Because they are used to being defeated.

I did something really NSFW today

I used a revolving chair to get something from the top shelf

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

I think playwrights are really annoying.

They’re always making a scene.

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

"I really like the outfits my mechanic wears"

"Any particular reason?"

"Nah, just an overall fan"

I could tell you a really good science joke

But all of them argon

I am getting really bored with this lock-down.

My Wife suggested that I make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I put her in fifth place.

I really want to buy a guillotine for myself

But its gonna cost me an arm and a leg

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

Fireworks have been really popular in 2020.

Sales have skyrocketed.

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Caught myself talking to my cat and felt really dumb.

totally forgot that I'm pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

You know I really want a new guitar.

But for now I'm too baroque.

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A punk youngling and an old man on a bus (REALLY NSFW)

The old man sat next to the punk, then looked at him curiously, specially his mohawk hair.

After some seconds, the punk got irritated and confronted him with a glare "What? What's with people nowdays thinking i am crazy just because of my haircut and livestyle?" he growled "Haven't you made a...

At first I didn't really care for this toenail fungus...

...but it's really starting to grow on me!

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

My wife is really mad that I don't have a sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

Bob:... "I really should have listened to the advice my old man gave me."

Tom..... "Why - what advice did he give you?"

Bob:.... "I don't know - I didn't listen."

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Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

You really wanna know?

A cowboy just arrived at a bar, “one whiskey please” he says. The bartender delivers and the cowboy says “and make sure not to go near my horse or else I’ll do what I did last time it was stolen” “what did you do?” asks the bartender “do you really wanna know?” The cowboy asks. After some time the ...

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What really irks me is

That SEPtember, OCTtober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months....




Who ever fucked this shit up should be stabbed!

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

You really do have to hand it to the French...

After all they won’t fight for it.

What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat?

Shrivel me timber!

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

I once told a guy from upper Canada that he wasn't really from Canada since he was from a territory, not a province

He was having Nunavut.

Deaf people are really lucky

They don’t know what it’s like to hear Donald speak

I really have a thing for Mandalorians

I guess it's my boba fettish

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really love my dog

But he is a son of a bitch

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Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

I just woke up from this really weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

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You want to know what's really disgusting?

When you dream about eating pudding and wake up the next day with a spoon up your ass.

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

Having a trans parent is really difficult for kids.

It feels like they are never there.

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

I had a really happy childhood.

My Dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

Those were the Goodyears..............

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The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

I really screwed up asking my doctor to get tested for Alzheimer's.

I forgot my appointment. Doctor said I failed the test.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

I really wanted to build an airplane

But the idea never really took off.

I don't really like comic books

They have too many issues

Really sick of seeing so much infighting in the short community

We should really be lifting each other up

I told myself I really need to quit drinking

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to themselves?

I’m really bad at saying no to people, especially beautiful women.

Which is ironic because they’re really good at saying no to me.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Do you know what really catches my eye?

Short people with unbrellas

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Do we really need a new smartphone every year??

Sponsored by Apple.

A guy sees his Doctor who tells him he has really low magnesium in his blood

The guy says 0Mg

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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I really don't get all the love for the HP books...

I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

My son was really upset.

I tried everything to cheer him up. I have him a Nintendo switch, an xbox, a PlayStation. But nothing worked. He was unconsolable.

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I'm starting to think this election is really sexist

Pundents are constantly going on and on about Male ballots, and I haven't heard a single mention of Female ballots!

People really seem to like caskets

They literally die to get in

I heard the ladies really like a good stir fry.

You can tell by the way I use my wok, I'm a woman's man.

Guys talk to each other by putting each other down, but they don’t really mean it.

Girls talk to each other by putting each other up... but they don’t really mean that either.

Did you know that Cardi B has a sister who is really into fitness?

Her name's Cardi O

I have a really good book on how to improve your memory.

I just can't seem to remember where I put it.

The first few times you get hit by AC, it really hertz

But after that, it'll barely phase you.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania .

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA

but they never say when it’ll hit.

2 people were walking through the woods, and one of them was really hungry.

He pointed at a tree and said, "Look, a bacon tree!" He ran towards it, and immediately got hit by 3 rocks in the chest, legs and hip.

The other person said,

"That wasn't a bacon tree, that was a ham bush."

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I really feel bad for farts.

They have really been through the shit.

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

People seem to really hate fat...

everywhere I go, I get people saying

Sorry for the weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russell Crowe never really liked performing cunnilingus on a woman but after having tried it for the first time...

he was gladiator.

I have two really good Spanish friends in the south of the USA that I want to visit some day

They're called Louise y Anna

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My next door neighbour really gets upset at his wife whenever she’s sunbathing nude.

Personally, I am on the fence.

What do you call someone from Slytherin House who is really into French pastry?

Draco Mille-feuille.

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

So my friend told me I had a really bad sense of direction the other day

I hate to admit it, but he was left

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What do you call someone who's really nice in person, but an asshole on the internet?

An asshole

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

I am really sad because my pet chameleon won’t change colors

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

When I was a preteen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana, so when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so elated, but I only played with it once.

And then all I wanted was grandma back.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really loving my new Note 20 Ultra, now with up to 5x optical zoom!

I can finally take a dick pic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football...

I really wish I could find out what happened with my friend that couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, just for closure.

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend can get really loud during sex.

I don't know why but she knows no one's coming for help.

How much sleep do we really need??

Always 5 minutes more :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor comes out and says “You have to stop masturbating.” The guy says,”Really? Why?”

The doctor says, “Because I’m just trying to examine you.”

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend said that sex would be different after his vasectomy.

But I didn't really notice any deferens.

I’m really annoyed by people who get off on arguing over mask wearing.

Damn mask debaters.

I've been really fed up today.

My friend said, it could be worse, I could be in a hole in the ground filled with water.

I know he means well.

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

You know it’s really difficult to find a proper steak pun

It really is a Rare Medium Well done

It is really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Was talking to the guy down the street and he said he’s got a stream that runs through his property but would really like a reservoir.

I said “Well dam.”

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

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