UPJOKE
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Really Jokes

Marriage is really educational

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
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3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.
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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



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I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?
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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
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What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi
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My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?
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R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist
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My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
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Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk
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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even
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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

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I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!
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Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."
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Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.
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I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.
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I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.
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I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all
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My girlfriend was really angry

when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.
I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
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It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
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Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
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Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.
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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

A guy catches his best friend smelling his sister's panties and gets really mad.

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
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I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...
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My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
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I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...
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I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...
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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
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TIL Albert Einstein really existed

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
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My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...
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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.
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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.
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After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
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My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.
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When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
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What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really, really, really strong weightlifter?

Repetitions.
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Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...
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Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.
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A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...
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Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...
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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent
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A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
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From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...
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True Story that is also a joke. (It really is true.)

I was doing tourist stuff in New Orleans one summer and had gone down to the waterfront. I was sitting on a bench looking out at the water when a guy came up to me and offered me a bet. He said, "I bet you $5 I can tell you where you got your shoes."

I was from several states away so I figure...
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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“...

My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry...

I’ll return.
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

Today's a really good day...

10/10
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
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I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
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"Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was 'really silly'?"

"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.
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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

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Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
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Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"
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What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive

PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it
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I was feeling really lonely recently, so I bought some shares...

It's nice to have a bit of company.
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I have a really good joke about pussy

... but redditors don't get it.

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?

Something inside me says yes.
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I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
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What kind of music do balloons really hate?

*POP* music
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right
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Why do we know that really strong alcohol excists?

They have a lot of proof
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The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.
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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
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People really should have known what was going to happen with Communism

There were so many red flags
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I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.
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Reddit is really a green community,

considering all the recycled content on here.
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside
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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

Really awkward pick-up line.

Me: You look like my first wife.

Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?

Me: None

*wedding music starts playing*
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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.
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My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
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A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,

"May I ple...
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Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."
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I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.
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We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
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I Really Feel For Batteries …

… I’m not included in anything either.
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I really love 50 Cent...

...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.
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I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
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The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi
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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

My alcoholism is really screwing up my law career.

Every time I try to pass the bar...

I just go in.
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A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...
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A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
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I was shocked today when my wife told me that my son wasn’t really mine

I have GOT to pay more attention when I pick him up from school
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My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone
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I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
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I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
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Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?

Because he’s rich and can afford the best ingredients
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If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.
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Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
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When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...
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Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin
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I should really take the Violin more seriously.

Right now it's just something I fiddle with.
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My neighbors listen to really good music

Whether they like it or not.
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it's really hard

It's really hard to work at the postal office as a woman. It's such a mail dominated area
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Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.
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I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

What really grind my gears...

...is people who can't drive stick.
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I’m getting really sick of millennials attitudes lately

Walking around like they rent the place.
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My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
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I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .
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I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.
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I was really heartbroken at my grandfather’s passing yesterday.

He can’t seem to throw the football as hard as he once did.
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Bought a really old race horse today.

I have called him "My Face." and have entered him in "The Grand National"

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting

"Come on My Face."

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"
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Women are really bad at parking

because we're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
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A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes...

...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"

Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you...
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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

I waited in a really long line that turned out to be fake.

It was a giant faux queue.
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My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.
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King Charles actually farted in the middle of his coronation, but no one really said anything.

This is because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.
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You can't really blame barnacles for being clingy...

They're just a little shellfish.
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What do you call a really fast sheep?

A lamb-orghini.
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I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.
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You know what really gets my goat?

El Chupacabra
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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...
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BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.
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It's really easy to do a flamingo impression

I can do it standing on 1 leg
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president

Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted
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