A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

Well today is my first cake day.

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

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Peters first date with Meg was going well...

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Meg made an announcment,"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you 50.00."

"Well,"Peter shot back."I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back into the city it will cost you 100.00."

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

Lou Costello : Well that’€™s gonna cost you overtime because I’€™m a union man and I work only sixteen hours a day.

McDougal : A union man only works eight hours a day.

Lou Costello : I belong to two unions.

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

People keep talking about these "safe spaces". Well, call me old fashioned but I'm going to keep on calling them what they REALLY are...

Banks

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

Whats the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle.

Attire

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

I am extremely jealous of anyone who can play the piano very well.

I guess you could say I am suffering from a case of pianist envy.

You know Tinder right? Well have you heard of the new app for people trying to find trees?

It's called Timber.

How do you upset redditors while also stating a well known fact?

Tell them Left isnt Right.

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Well I dont have a 12 inch dick,

But it smells like a foot

I don’t see what’s the big deal about Jesus anyway. God sent him to earth to suffer and die. Well guess what

He did the same to us.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

What do you call a well educated farmer?

A farmacist

A man is on trial for cannibalism.. He says to the judge, “Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat..

..then I am an innocent man.”

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

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Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Are the words "well" and "actually" only one syllable?

Well yes, but actually no

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

I wasn't doing very well at the r/jokes fencing academy.

But people starting to notice me when I learned how effective riposting was.

"Well look who came by for a little sucky sucky"

Vampire: "Don't say it like that"

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

My friend can't afford his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

Guys, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank today, and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask!

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

I’ve started a business selling toilet paper and it’s going really well.

I’m on a roll.

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