Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

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2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other gu...

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me....

A few minutes before the Sunday services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop c...

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light ...

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What’s more impressive that a talking parrot?

A spelling bee

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much

What a stupid thing to fallout 4

Why is Mark Zuckerberg‘s face red after talking to a woman?

From the mace

My wife was talking to our son:

Wife: Honey, use good grammar.
Son: What’s grammar?
Me from the other room: That nice lady married to gramper.

I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my hispanic friends

It means a lot to them

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A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and wen...

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Last night my wife and I were talking dirty

I said “ooh baby, I wanna see your asshole.”

She handed me a mirror.

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2 cowboys talking about sex.

1st cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"

"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and t...

Sometimes I like talking to myself...

me too fam

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Two snowmen are talking to each other.

One says, “ Why is it that wherever I go, I always smell carrots?”

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.

You just have to look at it from a different angle.

Two women are talking

One of them says "do you have a son?"

The other replies "yes, I do."

-"Oh, does he drink?"

-"No, but..."

-"Does he smoke?"

-"No, but..."

-"Whoa, congratulations on your son, these times it's hard to find boys like him. Oh, and how old is he?"

-"Two."

What do you call an Ex that loves talking about their ex's ex.

Ex-ception.

I was eavesdropping on two indian chefs talking..

It was a dhal conversation

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

A man is talking to God...

“God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

A poor farmer is being asked about his career by a fast talking interviewer

Interviewer: So, What kind of grain do you grow here? Are you getting by financially with such low production?

Farmer: Barley

Overheard a supervisor talking to a coworker

Supervisor: The more comfortable you get, the more mistakes you'll make.

Me: Man, my parents must have been really comfortable in the summer of '76.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

A man was talking to a vampire at 11 PM

Man: so you disintegrate when you see the sun?

Vampire: yes.

Man: then how do tou survive in the moonlight?

Vampire: what?

Man: the moon is just reflecting off of the sun.

Vampire: ...


And that children, is why vampires don't exist.

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A pickle and a penis are talking to each other on how shitty their lives are.

The pickle says, they take me, a perfectly good cucumber, put me in a nasty solution to live with my friends until we shrink and then we're jarred together until we're eaten.

The penis says, you think you have it bad, my owner, every chance he gets, stuffs my face in a tight rubber bag, shove...

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

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A college student is talking with his therapist.

The student says to the therapist, "I haven't had a good day today. I lost something."

"What did you lose?" asked the therapist.

"My ex got run over on the street by a bus."

"Oh my goodness, I am very sorry you lost your ex."

The student replied, "What? No, I lost my job...

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

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Two guys are talking about being optimistic.

One guy says, "Hey, sometimes there are situations where you just can't be optimistic, right?" The other guy responds, "Nah, you always have to look at the bright side. Just last week, I was with a prostitute, and she died right there in the middle of it." The first guy sputters, "What? Where's the ...

A Baptist a Catholic and a Mormon were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says “I have 4 kids, just one more and I’ll have a basketball team.” The Catholic says “That’s nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I’ll have a football team.” The Mormon says “Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I’ll have a golf course.”

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The therapist is talking to his patient...

The patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis
The therapist: Why?
Patient: *runs out of room screaming*

Two farmers are standing at a fence talking.

Farmer 1: Do your cows smoke cigarettes???
Farmer 2: No, of course not

Farmer 1: Then your barn is on fire.

I was talking to an Irish guy on the train.

He told that back in his hometown once he had met the most wealthiest man in all of Ireland.

I said "Oh, really?"

He said, "No, O'Reilly!"

Missed talking to my friends and family at my funeral

But you could say I was there in spirit

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

If you're locked out of your house, try slow talking with your door.

Because communication is key.

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?


John: No,im just wondering?


Counselor: Wondering about what?


John: We dont have a car.

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.

It's beniece me.

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Three women are talking about their Christmas gifts.

'My husband gave me these beautiful earrings, I love them and I wear them everyday!', says the first woman.

'Oh, that's wonderful!', replies the second one.

'Well, my husband is going to take me on a trip to the Caribbean! I'm so looking forward to it.', then says the third woman.
<...

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A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

A girl was talking to her mother

Daughter: “Mummy, why is my name Lily?”

Mother: “Because a lily fell on your head when were born.”

The younger brother enters

Brother: “Uhhhh ahhhh uh uh!!”

Mother: “Shut up Brick!”

Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

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I was talking with a narcissist who was only thinking about himself.

He kept telling me to lose weight even though he was sitting on his ass for hours on end.




Anyways that's why I don't meditate anymore.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

2 elderly couples were walking down a street, the husbands were talking to each other and the wives were talking to each other...

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:

Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"

H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green ...

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor

The Monk says, "make me one with everything"

Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog

"I have had a very full life" says the dog. "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home...

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When you're talking about testicles and prostates, remember...

...there's a vas deferens between them.

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A guy is talking to his coworker.

Guy: "Man, I got fired."

Coworker: "Oh no! What happened?"

Guy: "Boss told me that if I didn't fuck her right there in the office, I'd get fired."

Coworker: "Oh, and you said no?"

Guy: "No, I said yes!"

Coworker: "So why did you get fired?"
...

Are you guys talking about water-borne diseases?

Because I would like to joindis talk.

Two cows are talking to each other.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the delusional cow disease?
Coe 2: why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter.

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

A guy is talking to a girl

A guy is talking to a girl :

"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"

"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"

"No, I'm a dentist."

2 men are talking about going to the pub.

- I am telling you, this is the best place in town.

- Okay, how long to go there and back?

- 60 minutes.

- Is it that far?

-No, it's 10 minutes away, only coming back is the tricky part.

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Captain Hook and Smee are talking on the bridge

CH: arrrgh I miss Vine, twas me fav'rit app

S: But Cap'n there's a new app! It's not exactly the same but very similar.

CH: What's it called?

S: ummm

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My wife likes talking to me after sex

So she just called me from a hotel and we had a really nice conversation

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Two Italians Talking on the Bus

So I'm riding the bus the other day and I overhear two Italians talking about a pretty graphic sexual conquest. I heard,
"No Vincenzo you see i'ma gonna tell you one a more time. First I make Emma come, then I come, then we put the two asses together, I come again, we put the two asses together a...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

I was talking to a hot girl at my friends funeral

I got mourning wood

People keep talking about these "safe spaces". Well, call me old fashioned but I'm going to keep on calling them what they REALLY are...

Banks

Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you

Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you.

Husband: That's not true! Tell me one time I talked about dinosaurs

Wife: .......

Husband: (whispering) *She was silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyls*

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

2 people are talking after something stressful happens...

Guy 1: "Describe how you are feeling in 1 word."

Guy 2: "Good."

Guy 1: "Describe how you are feeling in 2 words."

Guy 2: "Not good."

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Three old men talking about their health problems.

One says “I get up a seven and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee!”
The second guy says “ I get up at eight and it takes me thirty minutes to have a crap!”
The third guy says” I pee like at horse at seven and crap like a cow at eight!”
“So what’s your problem?” The other two ask him.<...

I overheard my wife and her friends talking about how great their husbands are

My wife said that while I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she does sleep with the most handsome man in the neighborhood.


And as soon as I find out who he is I’ll break his goddamn neck!

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

Talking to yourself is a sign of madness.

Yes. I talk to myself.
Why?
Sometimes I need expert advice.

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

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A fella buys a talking centipede for £5,000

He takes it home in small box.

After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".

The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.

At w...

I told my wife the other night that I wanted her to start talking dirty more for me.

She looked up at me thoughtfully for a moment and then responded.

"Compost."

A man is talking to an elderly lady about her hearing aid.

The man asks, "That's a nice hearing aid, where did you get it?" The woman says it was the best out there, and was really expensive. The man asks what kind it is, and the woman checks her watch and says "It's 12:30 love!"

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The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.

He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.

"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ...

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