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Talking Jokes

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

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Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

Professor X is talking to a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

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Talking about Donald Trump

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise...

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

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Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking greyhound For Sale’

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.

"Oh yes," the greyhound replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the gre...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

Linda and Martha are talking. "Have you heard of the Bechdel Test?" asks Linda.

"Yes," answers Martha. "My boyfriend told me about it."

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Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

A daughter and mother are talking.

"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"

"But I love him!", she interrupts.

"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"

"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"

"I think you misunderstood me."

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

A guy and his girlfriend are talking

Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.



The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"

Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together

The first woman says “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.’”

The second says “My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.’”

The third says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.’”...

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound di...

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

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I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

A young girl talking to her Mother.

Instead of buying me clothes for Christmas can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any. Oh so who are these girls that haven't got any clothes?


You know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.

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A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a...

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Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

A guy overhears two women at the bar talking with an accent

He walks up to them and asks “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps?”.

The women turn toward him and one of them rudely replies “it’s Wales, dumbass!”.

He says “Excuse me, are you two whales from Scotland?”

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

A guy is talking to his friend.

He says "I got my IQ tested and got a 70, that makes me a genius. "

Friend says "70 doesn't mean you're a genius. "

Guy says "you sound like that idiot at the testing center."

Two cannibals are talking...

One says "I don't like my mother-in-law." The other one says "just eat the noodles."

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

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Three guys are talking about the best bars ever.

First guys says, I know a bar where you order a drink and the next one's free.
Second guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and next two are free.
Third guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and they take you out back and fuck your brains out. One guy asks, Where is this ba...

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Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

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Two old men were talking

Tom said he had started viagra and it was amazing. He was able to have sex like he was a teenager!
Rob, nervous to go to his doctor about this “problem” asked “Well, can you get it over the counter?”
Tom thinks for a moment then replies, “I’m not positive but I think if I take two of them I ca...

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

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Two skeletons were talking.

"You know what I find ironic? We can't get a boner."

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Two girls are talking.

\- So, - the first one asks. - How did your last date go?

Oh, you won't believe it. He turned out to be such an egoist!

\- Really? What did he do?

\- Well, he had a condom with all these bumps, ridges, prongs...

\- Then how come you are calling him an egoist?

\- He...

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A college professor was giving a lecture when he saw two students talking to each other.

"No talking while I'm talking, young man."

"I was just asking her a question," the student replied.

"Any question you have for her, you can direct to me," the professor said.

"Okay," the student nodded. "Will you go out with me Saturday night?"

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

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Three cellmates are talking on their first night in prison

They ask the first one, "so what are you in for, Mr. Weed?"

"Well, it's ironic, but I was actually busted by the cops with weed. How about you, Mr. Koch?"

"You're not gonna believe this, but I was actually caught with coke."

Amused at the coincidence, they turn to the third man....

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A man is talking to God

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."


Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"


God: "To me, it's about a penny."


Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"


God: "Su...

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

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Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. 

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." 

The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the ...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."


I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."


To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustio...

Two shrinks were talking

“Wanna go out and grab a quick lunch?”

“No can do, I have a 12:00 o’clock disappointment”

“Don’t you mean appointment?”

“Normally yeah, but wait till you meet him”

The CEO's wife was visiting the office and talking to her husband's secretary.



After a while she commented, "You know, your grammar is not very good. You're always confusing 'me' and 'I'."

The secretary replied, "Maybe, but your husband is worse. He's always confusing me with you."

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

When talking with her girlfriends, my wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling!

She says I look nothing like him.

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Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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A woman enters a pet shop to buy a talking parrot.

She immediatly sees a colourful parrot with two strings attached on its legs. She asks the shopkeeper about this one, and he says:

\- It's because this particular parrot can speak 3 languages.
\- Oh great, but what are these strings for?
\- Let me show you.

He pulls the left ...

Why couldn't the prisoner stop talking?

He couldn't finish his sentence.

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So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

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Girls can’t stop talking about my huge dick

All week I’ve been hearing “what a huge dick” every time someone mentions me

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Jealous Potential Ex-Girlfriend: “Who was that girl you were talking to?”

Guy: “Huh? Oh that was Yabi, an old friend of mine.”

JPEG: “Yabi?? I’ve never heard of her before!”

Guy: “Yabi Zeness? I swear you two have met.”

JPEG: “Absolutely not. What did she want?”

Guy: “Oh she just let me know she recently joined the church on the corner. She’s g...

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 35 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

Jim and Pete, both avid fishermen, are talking

\- I don't understand, - Jim says. - Every weekend, I see you go fishing. How? My wife lets me go maybe two - three times in a year.

\- Simple, - Pete says. - In the morning, I lift my wife's blanket and say "My, what an ass!" We fight and I leave, to go fishing. Then, in the evening, I retur...

Two kids talking.

One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...

Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"

"No."

"So, we'll be enemies then?

"No."

"What would we be then?

"Even."

I was talking to my grandfather

When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.

Did you hear about the talking scale?

It speaks for the masses.

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Whic...

These two lifelong friends are talking...

And one of them says, "Hey, my friend, we're getting up in years now, life ain't forever; you ever, y'know, think about the hereafter?"

The other replies, "Sure thing, I think about it every day."

"Every day?"

"Yep. Not a day goes by I don't go into the garage or the kitchen ...

A guy is talking to a girl

A guy is talking to a girl :

"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"

"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"

"No, I'm a dentist."

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

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Two fisherman were talking: -I can't have sex with my wife

Why?

-Because She has gonorrhea.

So what, fuck Her in the ass.

-I can't because She has diarrhea.

Then ask Her to for a blowjob

-No, because She has phyrrea.

Goddamn dude, so why the hell did You marry Her?

-Because She has worms and You know I like f...

Me: Did you know talking to yourself indicates high intelligence?

Me: Yes, I did know that.

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

Three old farts talking

Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.

The 70-year-old says,

\- “I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."

The 80-year-old says,

\- “It’s my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always h...

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"Hey Siri, why am I so terrible at talking to women?"

"My name is Alexa you two timing piece of shit."

Four women are talking about their sons

4 women are sitting at a table and they start talking about their sons.

The first lady says, "My son is doing awesome in life. He is a Bishop for the Catholic Church and when he walks into the room everybody stands up and says "Good morning your holiness"".

Second lady says, "That is...

Me: Is it normal talking to myself?

Me: Yes it is.
Me: Oh, thank God.

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

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