UPJOKE
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You Jokes

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

Genie: you have 3 wishes. What is your first?

Guy: I wish for more wishes

Genie: you can wish for anything but more wishes

Guy: damn. I wish I could

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What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

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Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, girl ant.

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

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The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

Back in the day Oklahoma use to have a slogan “Oklahoma is OK!”, you know why it was just OK?

Because they couldn’t spell mediocre.

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really fucking good at it.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?

Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty

In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.

Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?

Drifter: I'll have...

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?

Thank him for the pizza

"If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room"

I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison. You call a stolen Edison a Westinghouse.

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me?

22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!

To whomever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you

You have my Word.

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

Have you heard the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes, you have.

What do you get if you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

.
.

If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?

— I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

What do you call a billionaire who commits crimes after sunset?

Felon Dusk.

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What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

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What do you call naked men standing on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

A guy is asked by his friend: “What would you do if your wife cheats on you?”

He answers “I’d throw his dog through the window and break the stick”

Friend: “what stick? What dog?”

To what the guy replies: “If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!”

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What do you call a doctor that inspects penises?

A Guynecologist

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

A Canadian visits America...

... and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

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Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you

Edit: No you won't

Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.

What do you call a yeti with a 6 pack?

The abdominal snowman

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?

Of course. Why should that day be an exception?

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

When you go to the hospital, where do they insert the IV for fluids?

In your forearm.

If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic..

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What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you call a dictionary thief?

I don’t know :(

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Why should you never masturbate in an elevator?

Because it’s wrong on so many levels.

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

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Why say you swallow cum?

When you can say you sucseed

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A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints.

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What do you call a meeting of 72 virgins?

A scientific conference

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What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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Man 1: Tell me the shortest sentence you can think of.

Man 2: Why?

Edit: Fuck

Edit 2: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers

What do you call a blind fascist?

A Not-See

What do you call a fragrant Tomato?

A roma

Why shouldn't you iron a 4 leaf clover?

You don't want to press your luck!

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, shoot!

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What do you call morning wood that wakes you up?

Alarm Cock

Do you know why hurricanes are just like women?

Because when they come they’re wet and wild and when they leave they take your dog and house with them.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

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Speak English, you moron!

An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm geschissen," ('Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs shit in it'). The guy shouts ...

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

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What do you call prostitutes that only work for spirits?

Ghost busters

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How do you make your wife cry during sex?

You call her

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What do you call a dinosaur who walks in on you while you're having sex?

Oh-no-he-saurus

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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Did you know all chickens die after having sex?

Well every chicken I’ve had sex with has.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

A guy walks into a clock shop and aproaches the counter where a sales lady is standing.

He pulls down his zipper and places his pecker on the counter.

Sales Lady stunned: Excuse me sir, This is a CLOCK shop.

Customer: Yes I know, could you please put two hands and a face on this please?

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Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

What do you call it when a group of cheeses start fighting?

A fromage fray.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

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If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse….

In return, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Log

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Tell them you cant come

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard

Yo Momma is so fat...

When she's walking down the street, cops driving by scream out, "Hey you two --break it up!"

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

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What do you call a penis that doesn't exist?

A fallacy.

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Whats green and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

I would be SHOCKED if you haven’t heard about these new corduroy pillows.

I mean, they’re making headlines all over the world.

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

Why don't you see black envelopes in the mail?

Because blackmail is illegal.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

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What do you call an overweight doctor who examines your penis?

A meatyurologist.

What do you call a group of deaf cows

Not herd

How do you stop a Russian tank?

Shoot the soldiers pushing it.

How do you get over an old girlfriend?

Get under a new one

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

[NSFW] Why can't you tell secrets to Kurt Cobain?

Because he'll go shooting his mouth off.

What do you call a lawyer who is forklift certified?

A shyster on a Hyster!

A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.

The dentist looks and says "you have a bad tooth we are going to have to pull it"

The lady says "I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled"

The dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair"

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

How do you annoy a Texan?

Just say your power grid is working!

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

- Mike Tyson

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work..?

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote.

What does it even mean?!

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.

But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

Did you hear the joke about the guy with no short term memory?

To get to the other side!

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What do you call a homosexual artificial intelligence

Chat GBT

Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?

There was de-brie everywhere

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino?

Ell if I know

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

Did you know they changed the word snake to essential

And people started buying the oils again.

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What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

She has been shot (up).

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

My wife said, Why don't you ever have anything to say to me?

I replied, I don't like to interrupt.

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of knights standing in a circle ejaculating on each other?

A Sircumference

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