What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about church, how's your day been?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bees make milk (from my 10 yo)

Boobies

What's a dyslexic person's favorite kind of beer?

A Large.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of cow has two legs?

Your mom.

Sorry... But my 11 year old just told me this and I lost my shit.

What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

Subway stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.

This is kind of a dad joke but

I was driving with my dad and we passed a cemetery. My dad said in a low and dark voice,” I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? And he said” The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” And I was really confused so I was like why? And he said cuz t...

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

What kind of rock isn't really a rock?

A shamrock.

There are two kinds of people

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

What kind of church do two women get married in?

Lesbyterian.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."...

...A tachyon walks into a bar.

Which kind of poo smells better than it tastes?

Shampoo

Self-depricating humor is the best kind of humor...

Except when I do it.

Im kind of sad I don't see more bungee jumping jokes around

I guess they never quite seem to land

What kind of pants to Mario and Luigi wear?

Denim denim denim

There are only three kinds of people that I hate.:

Those who can’t count and those who hate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of boat transports potatoes shaped like penises?

Dictatorship.

What is every priest's favourite kind of garden?

Kindergarten.

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of STD can you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS.

There’s only two kinds of people on Tinder.

Those who are right for you, and those who are left.

What kind of egg do you give to a habitual liar?

A fiberge egg.

What kind of monkey is the biggest coward?

A chim-PANSY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 23 year old girl offered me sex . In exchange , I was supposed to advertise for some kind of bathroom cleaner.

But I declined. Because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax , the supper strong bathroom cleaner. More available with scented lemon or vanilla.

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

What kind of coffee is never on time?

>!the latte!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls cause they're under a buck.

You ever meet the kind of person who wants to write an autobiography?

Really says a lot about a person

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women close to Elon have said his semen taste kind of like BBQ.

They describe it as a “salty musk skeet”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different kinds of orgasms

Steve: Do you know the different kinds of orgasms?

Bill: No...

S: There's the positive orgasm -- Oh yes. Yes. Yes!

The negative orgasm -- No. Oh no. Don't stop.

The holy orgasm -- Oh God! Oh my God!

The swearing orgasm -- Fuck. Oh shit. Fuck.

And...th...

what kind of bagel can fly?

a plain bagel

What kind of train is a ballerina?

A tutu train!


I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

There are two kinds of countries in this world...

Those that use the metric system, and those that have been to the moon.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!

My kind of guy

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women. After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules. It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women's floor ...

What kind of cereal does a school shooter eat?

Pumped Up Kix

What kind of lights did the Incas use to get down from Machu Picchu at night?

Incandescent.

What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?

*A: Nostalgia!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hide and seek is kind of like getting a blowjob

ready or not, here I come.

What kind of parties do kidnappers hate the most?

The search parties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

What kind of shower accessory is hard to get to know?

A loofah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I respect people of all kinds

But I believe hermaphrodites can fuck themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

(first date)Her: If you could pick, what kind of animal would you be-

Me: Bird

&nbsp;

Her: aww, so you could fl-

&nbsp;

Me: I like worms

If a black bird brings black babies and a white bird brings white babies. What kind of bird brings no babies?

Swallows

What kind of women get the most flowers on March 8?

The ones who die on March 7.

What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music!

Dad, what kind of Berry is that?

Dad: "It's a blackberry."

Then why is it red?

Dad: "Because it's still green."

One wind turbine asks another and says "Hey, Wind Turbine, what kind of music do you like?"

He replies: I'm actually, I'm a huge metal fan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.

But they’re a solid #2.

What kind of plant hurts?

A face plant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the beach when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying by herself. Trying to be kind he walks up and asks here what's wrong.

> "I've never been hugged", replies the woman.

The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks heer up and gives her a hug. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again.

> "What's the matter now?", asks the man.

> "I've never been kissed", ...

What kind of beer does a Canadian drink while urinating?

An I pee ey!

What kind of motor oil does Darth Vader use?

Sithetic.

My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid,”its the most expensive one you can buy it,it cost me $5000.” My Mum: ”what kind is it?”

My grandma : “its 4:15 pm darling..”

What kind of bedding can you buy at Walden Pond?

Thoreau pillows!

So she's the marrying kind

On a recent flight from New York to Seattle an elderly lady stands up and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her, "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

What kind of gun would a cat have?

A Mauser.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A Monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

What kind of meat does a pope eat?

Nun

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

How gliders fly is kind of a mystery to me...

But I guess they have potential.

What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

There are 11 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, those that don’t and those that only know enough binary to think I wrote this joke wrong.

There are three kinds of people in the world

Those who can count, and those who cannot.




(Probably been said here before but it used to crack me up when I was a kid.)

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

What are an amphibians favorite kind of shoes?

Open-toad sandals

No matter how kind you are

German kids will always be kinder!

I hate people who think discovering Nirvana is some kind of an achievement.

Dumbass Buddhists...

What kind of music does a fallen tree branch dance to?

Log-rhythm

Jesus knew that when you are kind to people, people are kind to you. So he said: "May I hand you a nail?" and the Roman soldier replied

"May I nail you a hand?"

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

What did the staircase say when I climbed it?

Nothing.




It just staired.


(Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)

What kind of shoes do spies wear?

Sneakers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

What kind of wine comes in a Box?

Cardbordeaux

What kind of pasta grants wishes?

Fettugenie

What kind of cheese does the Pope eat?

Swiss Cheese



Because it's very holey

What kind of printer do pigs use?

An oinkjet printer

What kind of punch is strong enough to kill 20 kids and 6 adults at once?

A Sandy Hook

What kind of social media does Thanos use?

Snapchat

What kind of a toothpaste does Trump use?

Confidental

What kind of car does Pikachu drive?

A volts-wagon.

What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip?

An i-salsa-les triangle

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear

What is Whitney Houston's favourite kind of coordination?

Hand eye

From my nephew: What kind of tents do dogs sleep in?

Pup tents

My wife truly is a one of a kind...

Of all the hands I could have been dealt, literally the worst.

There are 10 kinds of people...

...those who understand binary and those who don't.

How many kinds of wood are used in making a match?

Two kinds. He-would and she-would.

There are two kinds of women...

Those who are attracted to me and those who exist.

What kind of clothing uses a wheel?

Atire.

What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word?

A sub

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