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Kind Jokes

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

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What kind of sex does a priest have?

Nun

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

What is a scarecrow's favorite kind of joke?

A corny one.

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

What’s the worst kind of cheese?

Click here for answer: >!Ou!<cheese

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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What’s up?"

Wife: "According t...

what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my 6-year old.

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

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What's the rudest kind of elf?

A go fuck yours-elf

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?

A FIZZICIAN.

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?

2Na

If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?

A Non-Prophet organization.

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

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What kind of porn do roosters watch?

Hen-tai

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

What kind of monkey only stands 7 inches tall?

Macaque.

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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are

•
•
You a curious motherfucker.

I love when street names or city names kind of match where you live.

For example, I grew up on Old Dike Road. You can guess who my neighbors were.

That's right, a couple of civil engineers.

Wait, what were you thinking?

What kind of paper is always thirsty?

Parchment

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

What kind of music do balloons really hate?

*POP* music

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

What kind of operating system do russians use?

Almost any OS, but they're afraid of windows...

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

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There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

What's a stoners favorite kind of coffee?

Iced Mocha Latte

What kind of a cake can orphans not have?

Homemade.

There are two kinds of people in this world

1. Those who can extrapolate meaning from incomplete data

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

What do you call this kind of jokes? (That ends with "What? What?")

Her: My lips are dry.
Him: Doesn't it hurt when you walk?
Her: What?
Him: What?

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

Ribbed.

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What kind of poops do Stick Bugs make?

Dowel Movements.

(an original from my 10 year old)

What kind of instrument does a conman play?

The Lyre

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

What kind of soup does a vampire make?

Nosferastew.

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What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

What kind of tree does toothpaste grow on?

Toiletries

My dog is vegan but he is kind of a hypocrite about it.

He has a fur coat that he always wears.

What kind of car does a famous sushi chef drive?

>!A rolls rice.!<

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

I’m not really a one night stand kind of guy

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?

Oh, high marks

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

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I kind of feel bad for Amy Schumer over people calling her unfunny.

I mean can you imagine being so bad at comedy that you have to steal *shitty* jokes?

What kind of car does Master Yoda drive?

A Volkswagen Jedi.

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

Kindness

A blind old lady gets on a bus. All the seats are taken. An old man sees how nobody is willing to give up their seat for her. After a bit of hesitation, he gets up, takes her by the hand, and brings her to his seat. As she sits, he looks at the crowd and scowls as the bus leaves the stop.

Lat...

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

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What is a hippies favorite kind of sex?

Aural

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

what kind of fish works in a hospital?

A sturgeon

What kind of tree fits in your hands

A palm tree

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

What kind of car runs on leaves?

An autumn-mobile!

What kind of vehicle does a pirate drive?

An Arrrggghhh ... V.

What kind of doctor was Dr. Huxtable on the Cosby Show?

Anesthesiologist

What kind of coffee do they serve in a cat café?

affoGato

What's an abductor's favorite kind of shoe?

Unmarked, white Vans

What kind of maracas do skeletons play?

The death rattle.

What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?

Pen-nay (penne)

What is a pervert’s favorite kind of stationery?

A Barely Legal Pad

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What kind of women are computer programmers attracted to?

BASIC bitches, obviously..

not NSFW: Watson sees Sherlock Holmes planting a tree and asks him, "What kind of tree are you planting?"

Holmes: "A lemon tree my dear watson"

What kind of paper likes listening to music?

Rapping paper

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea.

What kind of diet does an overweight astronaut go on?

A low orbit diet

There are 2 kinds of people...

Those that squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom

And

Godforsaken Sociopaths

What is Jesus’ favorite kind of exercise?

Crossfit

What kind of martial arts do monkeys do?

Flungpoo

What kind of degree does a shipyard recieve?

A dock-torate

There are three kinds of people on this earth.

Those who are good at math and those who are not

What kind of ice cream do they sell at airports

Plain ice cream

what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean

Heavy rock

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

What kind of shoes does Optimus Prime wear?

Truck Taylors

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Three surgeons are talking about their favorite kinds of patients.

"My favorite patients are librarians." says the first surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because their organs are all in alphabetical order."

"My favorite patients are mathematicians." says the second surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because all their organs are numbered."

"My fa...

Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date?

A. Acute Triangle

What kind of car is the same frontward and backward?

A Toyota.




First post ever on Reddit. I hope I did it right.

What kind of ceremony do you have for a catholic stoner who died?

Wake & Bake

What kind of tree is it?

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"
So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son ...

Did you know that some special kinds of mushrooms make people think more clearly?

That’s just some food for thought.

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".


She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

What's a dictator's favorite kind of tea?

Cruel tea.



Ba dum tiss.

What kind of cheese did OceanGate serve on its sub?

The Brie

What kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat?

Kix

kind of ugly



A guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "sheesh, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."


The guy, pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"


"I'm his m...

What kind of car did Mr. Miyagi drive?

Focus, Daniel-san

What is the scariest kind of oil?

A Gargoyle!

A different kind of Jewish joke

A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Ch...

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