A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

What kind of tea is easiest to make?

A simplici-tea.

What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.

And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea.

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There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

What kind of jokes do laundry like?

Dry Humor

What kind of martial art does a Rabbi use?

Jew-Jitsu

What kind of pasta do they eat in Antarctica?

Penguine

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What kind of mushrooms always gossip about you behind your back?

Shit-talk-y mushrooms!

What kind of instrument does a British person play?

A UK-lele

Remember: No matter how kind you are

German children are Kinder.

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?

Hand eeeeeeeyyyyeeeeeee!

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

What kind of driver doesn’t need a licence?

A screwdriver

There's one kind of people I really hate

>!Misanthropists.!<

What kind of dog do you get when you mix a Terrier with a bulldog?

A Terribull dog (Told by my 7 year old daughter)

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician

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What kind of car does a belly button drive?

An Audi

Two girls are talking one day when one says what kind of soda pop is your man?

The first girl says "mine is like 7-up seven inches up in it!"
The second girl says "crown royal"
The First girl responds "that's not a soda pop that's a hard liquor!"
The second girl adds "I know he is!"

what kind of bubble water does kanye drink?

he always buy polar

What are the Dire Straits' favorite kind of cracker?

Saltines of swing

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What is a chicken's favorite kind of porn?

Buhgawke

What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score?

Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.

What kind of chocolate does the dryer like?

Lindt Chocolate

What kind of ears does Thomas the Tank Engine have?

Engineers

What kind of fruit can't just run off and get married.

A Cantaloupe!

What kind of doctor was Dr. Huxtable on the Cosby Show?

Anesthesiologist

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

.
But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

I knew this girl, pretty ugly,(kind of a dog), but she always had a fashionable wardrobe.

She was a woof, in chic clothing.

What kind of wrench do you use on a foot?

A socket.

What kind of car does the Russian Batman drive?

A Blyatmobile!

Which kind of flowers are such excellent talkers?

Tulips. (Because they have two lips.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

kind of ugly



A guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "sheesh, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."


The guy, pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"


"I'm his m...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

What kind of gun takes 100 years to reload?

A sentry gun.

What kind of contractors do cannibals like?

Seasoned professionals

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Here's one I came up with tonight: What kind of rocks are best at making "get well soon" cards?

Sentimentary rocks.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

What’s a Jawa’s favorite kind of bread?

ZUCHINI!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

What kind of plant is painful?

A faceplant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer testicles. They're under a buck

What kind of dog designs its own dog house?

A barkitect.

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

What’s a cars favorite kind of music?

A traffic jam.

I've invented a kind of scarf that wraps around your midsection for extra warmth in winter

I'm calling it the bellyclava.

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

How do surgeons feel when they don't know what kind of amputation to perform?

Stumped

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

There are two kinds of people.

People who divide people into two kinds of people and people who don’t.

"Being a single dad can be challenging but I know your kind and caring man who can handle it. Maybe that's just the mother in me."

And with that the cannibal untied us and left.

What kind of computer is the best singer?

A dell

What kind of soap can also be used to keep away men?

Deter gents

What kind of car is the same frontward and backward?

A Toyota.




First post ever on Reddit. I hope I did it right.

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

A patient goes to the doctor and says: „I feel kind of blue.“

He has mild davis.

My grandma got a new hearing aid.

“It was $5,” she said.

“What kind is it?” I asked.

“Ten-o-clock.”

A kind and generous doctor walks into a bar…

Seeing a balance of happy crowd inside she shouts happily “free shots for everyone!”

Half of the crowd happily get their best whiskey.

The other half of the crowd are unhappy and shout back “my body my rights!”

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The Kind Manager

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man...

There are two kinds of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

What is a Bluetooth device's favorite kind of story?

A pairable

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

What kind of dog likes to swim?

Scuba Dooby doo!

There are II kinds of people

Those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't

What kind of vegetable is a chickens favorite?

Bok Bok Choy

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

What kind of dog is good at magic?

A Labaracadabarador

NSFW What kind of meat does a priest eat on friday?

Nun.

What kind of laughter gets you a prison sentence?

Manslaughter.

What kind of Chicken does Matthew McConaughey like from KFC?

All white, All White, All white.

What kind of workouts did Jesus do?

Cross-fit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

There are three kinds of people

Those that can count and those that can’t

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A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

decepticon are the worst kind of villains

They’re transphobic

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pastor Jim was coming home late one night, when he found the whole village having a party at the local pub

He decides to check it out. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded.

"What in the name of the lord is happening here?", he asks in shock.

"Come on in, pastor Jim, we're playing a game" says one of the drunken men.

"What kind of games is this?" inquir...

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

There are 2.000000000001 kinds of people in the world

Those who have dealt with floating point, and those who have not.

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

Which kind of berry you should stay away from?

rob-berry

"Killing them with kindness is a lot harder than I thought"

said the assassin

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

What do you call a knight who’s kind of a bad guy?

Mid-evil

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

What kind of fish likes to try new food?

Betta tester

What kind of drug would a polar bear sell?

Coke.

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

A joke about world-geography is kind of like healthcare ...

Lots of Americans just won't get it.

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

What kind of a cake can orphans not have?!

Homemade.

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me

This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the most toxic kind of mushroom?

A shit-talk-e mushroom

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

What kind of car does the chairperson of the Federal Reserve drive?

A Fiat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karate Dog

A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.

He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"

The owner replies, "it's actual...

What kind of songs does Sub-Zero sing at his church in Helsinki?

FINNISH HYMNS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kinds of people?

(Inspired by the joke "there are 2 kinds of people, those who say there are 2 kinds of people and everyone else)

An interfaith conference is held on diversity. An attendee from each religion addresses their view on the kinds of people in the world.

An atheist rushes the podium and says...

A wolf is what kind of owl?

H-owl

What kind of vaccinations are required for ghosts?

"Boo"ster shots!

What kind of sneakers do chickens wear?

Rebokbokboks

What's a Hill-billies favorite kind of pie?

Pump-kin

Earl and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say,

“Earl, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Earl always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Earl and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Earl, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never get...

What kind of leader do Indians look for in election?

A currysmatic leader

What kind of cheese do skateboarders eat?

Shredded cheese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bird did the pirate get after his parrot bit his dick off?

A wood pecker.

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

What kind of car does a Star Wars memorabilia collector drive?

a Toy-Yoda

There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

What kind of fish likes to eat ass?

A bottom feeder.

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