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Kind Jokes

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

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What kind of sex does a priest have?

Nun

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What’s up?"

Wife: "According t...

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?

A Non-Prophet organization.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?

2Na

what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my 6-year old.

What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?

A FIZZICIAN.

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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What's the rudest kind of elf?

A go fuck yours-elf

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are

•
•
You a curious motherfucker.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

What kind of monkey only stands 7 inches tall?

Macaque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

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What kind of porn do roosters watch?

Hen-tai

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

There are two kinds of people in this world

1. Those who can extrapolate meaning from incomplete data

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

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There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

What's a stoners favorite kind of coffee?

Iced Mocha Latte

I’m not really a one night stand kind of guy

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

Ribbed.

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White Vans.

I'll be here all week.

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

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What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

What kind of pasta do they eat in Antarctica?

Penguine

What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?

Oh, high marks

Asked a guy what kind of music he likes. He told me he's really into "blackgaze"

I should have asked him how it's spelled before I googled it.

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What is a hippies favorite kind of sex?

Aural

Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date?

A. Acute Triangle

What kind of doctor was Dr. Huxtable on the Cosby Show?

Anesthesiologist

what kind of fish works in a hospital?

A sturgeon

A velociraptor struts into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, "Hold up! We don't serve your kind here."

The velociraptor looks at him and asks, "What about humans?" The bartender, puzzled, replies, "Well, yes, we serve humans." The velociraptor grins, "Perfect! I'll have one of those, medium-rare, please"

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What kind of women are computer programmers attracted to?

BASIC bitches, obviously..

There are three kinds of people on this earth.

Those who are good at math and those who are not

what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean

Heavy rock

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?

Pen-nay (penne)

What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

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