A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans.

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

My doctor is so kind

He knows I have anxiety so he put both his hands on my shoulders to comfort me during my prostate exam.

What kind of horse is the fastest?

>! A pregnant one, because it has 2 horsepower !<

Canadian jokes I thought of today....please be kind lol

What kind of insurance do Canadians have?
Eh eh r p

What do Canadians put on their steak?
Eh 1

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

What kind of car does an electrician drive?

A volts-wagen

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

It doesn't matter how kind you think your child is.

German children will always be kinder.

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

What kind of currency do astronauts use?

Starbucks

What is Medusa’s favourite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola

What kind of behaviour could underline a serious problem in your relationship?

When you feel like your partner is always trying to Ctrl+U.

What kind of cars do people in Norway drive?

Fjords

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

What kind of bird fixes stuff? [Joke from my 6 year old nephew]

A repair-a-keet.

What’s the white stripes favourite kind of moisture? Dew

dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

One old man asks another old man, "what kind of underwear do you wear? boxers, briefs?

The other old man says "Depends"

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes...

But they're a solid number two.

What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

What kind of sign do you put on a broken skunk?

Out of odour

What kind of music do gingerbread people listen to?

Gingerbread house!

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My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

A joke my husband made up...What kind of gum does Trump chew?

Double impeachmint. (Yes he is a Dad....)

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

What kind of farts does Sigourney Weaver do in the bath?

Ripley ones.

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

What is a carpenter's favorite kind of girl?

One who's flat as a board and never been nailed

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

What kind of luggage does a vulture use for traveling?

Carrion bags.

What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use?

Tac-tics

What kind of coffee do rappers drink?

Drip

What’s Thanos’ favorite kind of cookie?

Ginger snaps

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom.

IPA

Which kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

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There are two kinds of liars when it comes to masturbation......

The ones that say they’ve never done it and the ones that say they’ve stopped.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

What kind of car does Megan Thee Stallion drive?

An Audi Audi Audi Audi Audi Audi


(I'm sorry)

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What kind of cookies do pornstars like?

Double Stuffed

What kind of joke do you tell during quarantine?

An inside joke

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

What kind of insurance would Moses have if he was still alive today?

Medicare Part C.

What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have?

The ones that roll-back.

What kind of drugs do ducks do?

Quack cocaine

There are two kinds of people in this world

1. Those who can make inferences with limited information.

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

What kind of key does a ghost use?

a spoo-key

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

What kind of test did the dog owner want for their pet when they went to the vet?

A pup quiz!

What kind of iPhone does Borat have?

A great 6S!

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer.

There are 3 kinds of people...

There are 3 kinds of people, people who are good at math and people who aren't.

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger"

I told as I was taking away his dental implant.

What kind of pizzas did Good King Wenceslas like?

Ones that were 'deep & crisp & even'

What kind of glasses do people who like guys and girls wear?

Bifocals

What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?

What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?

Boo-berry pie!

What kind of book does a cow write in?

A dairy.

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience

Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be?
Mike!

Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What kind of Doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A Fizzician

What kind of car runs on leaves?

An autumn-mobile!

What kind of "key" are you?

An Iranian and an American sat on a plane next to each other, there was silence until the American asked the Iranian :

-What kind of ian are you?

-What?

-I meant Indian, Indonesian, or Iranian?

-Oh I'm Iranian

Two hours passed without a word

The Iranian aske...

What kind of trees do you pee on?

Toiletries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of button can't you undo?

A belly button.

What's the most annoying kind of potato?

An agitator

What kind of cannabis does a mermaid smoke?

Seaweed!

"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that....

You've got issues going way back."

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

What’s the spookiest kind of cheese?

Scream cheese.

What kind of jokes does Bruce Lee tell?

One-inch puns.

What kind of STD can you get from a mermaid?

Seaphilis.

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

What kind of jokes does an unborn baby say?

Inside Jokes

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

what kind of sunglasses does my friend Anny wear?

Anny wears Oakleys wears Oakleys Anny.

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything

...but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to...

What kind of dog can jump higher than a house?

Any dog. Houses can't jump.

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

What kind of shoes did the punster receive?

UGHs

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Be kind to dentists...

They have fillings too.

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what kind of bee produces milk?

a boobee

What kind of ship does a vampire like?

A blood vessel

What kind of birds stick together?

Velcrows

What kind of Instagram user would COVID-19 be?

An Influenza

What kind of class do you need to take to be on the hurdling team?

An obstacle course

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

What kind of dinosaur is best at seeing the future?

A tarot-dactyl!

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

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