A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

A joke from my 10-year-old - what kind of car would a mouse or rat drive?

A Mouse-or-ratty

Three men go hunting. One is kind of tipsy, one is just plain drunk, the third one however is so smashed, he can barely hold himself upright.

They lay on the lookout and wait. At some point later they make out a big deer with beautiful antlers.

The one who is the least drunk levels his gun, takes a shot, but misses. The second most drunk guy does the same, but he misses too. The deer is now running towards them. The third guy, who...

What kind of birds always stick together?

Vel-Crows!!!!

What kind of key opens a banana

A mon-key

American kids are kind...

But German kids are kinder

What kind of sneakers do kidnappers wear?

White Vans.

What kind of fruit will never get married?

Cantelouope

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

My roofer was so kind, he told me that I didn't need to pay for his services!

He said its on the house.

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

What kind of cars do ghosts drive?

Boo-gattis.

What kind of a cake can orphans not have?

Homemade.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

What's a sad man's favorite kind of coffee?

Depresso

Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, "what kind of music do you like? "

The other one says, "I'm a really big metal fan."

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear 😂

Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all.

Just a little food for thot.

What kind of treatment does Pikachu seek when he gets cancer?

Pokemotherapy

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What kind of food gets the most upvotes on reddit?

The cake that appears next to your name once a year.

What kind of dog does a chemist have?

A lab.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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What kind of bird can write underwater?

A ballpoint *pen*guin

What kind of foursome do Catholic Nuns like?

A foursome with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit!

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: (1) People that pick their nose.

(2) Liars.

What's an Amish's favorite kind of raisin?

A Barn Raisin'!

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

What kind of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon

What kind of snake is best at Rap?

The Spittin' Cobra

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

What kind of STD's do fish get?

**Merm-aids**

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

There are 10 kinds of people in this world.

Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in ternary.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

What kind of Apple grows on a tree?

All of them……what were you expecting here

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense....

It was hard to miss him

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

What kind of cells get drafted for war?

Diploid

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What kind of Marshall Arts does Challah Bread do?

JEW DOUGH!!

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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What kind of car screams "this man fucks"?

One with a car seat.

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

What kind of Donuts are Bob Marley's favourite?

Ones with Jammin'!

What kind of weed do french people smoke?

Oui'd

My doctor is so kind

He knows I have anxiety so he put both his hands on my shoulders to comfort me during my prostate exam.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

What kind of horse is the fastest?

>! A pregnant one, because it has 2 horsepower !<

What kind of stones does a ghost use for jewellery?

Tombstones

Canadian jokes I thought of today....please be kind lol

What kind of insurance do Canadians have?
Eh eh r p

What do Canadians put on their steak?
Eh 1

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What kind of cologne does Elon Musk wear?

SprayseX

What kind of currency do astronauts use?

Starbucks

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

What kind of behaviour could underline a serious problem in your relationship?

When you feel like your partner is always trying to Ctrl+U.

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

What is Gaston Bachelard's favourite kind of wine?

Merlot-ponty

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What kind of cereal does a ghost eat?

**Boo Berry**

The man who loved tractors.

There was a farmer, who absolutely loved his tractors. He collected all kinds of tractors and tractor memorabilia. The only thing he cared more for, was his lovely wife.

One day, he heard his wife make an awful scream out in the fields. He sprinted outside to find her body crushed by a tracto...

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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A man walks into a bank and says to the the clerk, “I want to open a fucking account in this damn bank.”

The woman, astonished, replies: “I beg your pardon, such language is not tolerated in our bank.”

She then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the clerk shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.

They both re...

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

What’s the white stripes favourite kind of moisture? Dew

dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

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Poop jokes aren’t my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

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My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

One old man asks another old man, "what kind of underwear do you wear? boxers, briefs?

The other old man says "Depends"

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

What kind of sign do you put on a broken skunk?

Out of odour

What is a carpenter's favorite kind of girl?

One who's flat as a board and never been nailed

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

A joke my husband made up...What kind of gum does Trump chew?

Double impeachmint. (Yes he is a Dad....)

What kind of music do gingerbread people listen to?

Gingerbread house!

What kind of farts does Sigourney Weaver do in the bath?

Ripley ones.

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

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What kind of cookies do pornstars like?

Double Stuffed

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

What kind of joke do you tell during quarantine?

An inside joke

What kind of luggage does a vulture use for traveling?

Carrion bags.

A burglar broke into a house one night....

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.<...

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Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use?

Tac-tics

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

What kind of coffee do rappers drink?

Drip

What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom.

IPA

What’s Thanos’ favorite kind of cookie?

Ginger snaps

What kind of car does Megan Thee Stallion drive?

An Audi Audi Audi Audi Audi Audi


(I'm sorry)

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

What kind of drugs do ducks do?

Quack cocaine

What kind of iPhone does Borat have?

A great 6S!

There are two kinds of people in this world

1. Those who can make inferences with limited information.

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