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Making Jokes

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREF...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

TIFU for making an incest joke around my gf

She got so mad she told our mom about it.

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

I'm making a graph of my past relationships...

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

Stop making fun of fat girls with lisps

They're thick and tired of it.

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

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A zookeeper was making his rounds one day...

When he noticed the female gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years, he recognised she was in heat. The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated, so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking if they had a male gorilla.

After many days with no lu...

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

Little Johnny said, "Mister, y...

Making pancakes

An Englishman and Frenchman are together making pancakes, the Englishman retrieves 2 eggs from the fridge and cracks one into the mixing bowl. As he goes for the second egg, it slips from his hand and explodes on the floor. "Oh bollocks!" The Englishman cries. The Frenchman turns to him and says "do...

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

Making a new password like

Me: beefstew
Computer: Sorry, password not stroganoff.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

After making love, the man excused himself and went into the bathroom.

When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, "I can tell you are a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. "
"Well, that's right, " the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
The woman replied, " I would say an anesthesiologist. "
"How ...

What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime?

Dyslexia

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we stop making Hitler jokes?

It really takes me out of mein kampfort zone.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Did you hear apple is making an electric car?

Only problem is you have to buy an adapter to charge it at the station everyone else uses

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

I’ve never been fond of making tunnels.

It’s just boring.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!

I've had a Canon printer for years.

What do you call a zombie making stir-fry?

Dead man WOKing.

I heard they’re making a mind controlled air freshener

It makes scents when you think about it

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making...

...then they call me ugly and poor.

Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

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