I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

My fondest Childhood memory was making Sand Castles with Grandma.

Until my mother hid the Urn.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Stop making fun of fat girls with lisps

They're thick and tired of it.

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever.

You know what they say about old habits.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

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After making love, a couple lay in bed.

She says to him, "And with that, I have had sex with you more than anyone in my life."

He laughs and says, "You announced that last week, but it's just as funny."

She replies, "And it's just as true."

NBC is making a new documentary series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale will be shot in front of a live audience.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

I'm making a documentary about the American education system.

Shooting starts soon.

I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.

I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

My husband was in the kitchen making a lot of noise....

I asked him what he was doing. He said he was killing flies. I asked if he was having any luck. He said yes, he had killed two males and three females. I asked, "how can you tell?" He answered, " two on the beer can, three on the phone".

My wife said she would leave me if I did not stop making jokes about her hysterectomy

I think it was an Ovaryaction if you ask me

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned.
He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.
They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a cliff with the vi...

I dreamed last last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road

I tossed and turned all night

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep on accidentally making racial stereotypes!"

Confused Jewish guy: "What doctor?"

making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

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A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.

He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. T...

I’m making a belt out of watches

It’s a waist of time

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

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Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well

I’m making a movie about looking for vintage records at thrift shops.

It’s called “Goodwill Hunting.”

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?

They can’t trust their gut

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