A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

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When did the Japanese start making eggs?

A long tamago

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

In hopes of making my racing snail faster, I removed its shell.

But it only became more sluggish

What's the job title of a philosophy student who's making cappuccinos and lattes in a cafe

Baristotel

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

I don’t like making 9/11 jokes

Because they usually crash and burn

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I was at a party where everyone was lined up to get punch. I thought about making a joke, but I just sucked their dicks instead.

I always blow the punchline.

Please stop making jokes about little people

How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

Stop making fun of Mike Tyson's lisp

I'm theriouth.

Making jokes about some subjects is tough, but with erectile dysfunction..

It isn't very hard.

I tried to stop making innuendos, but it was hard.

So. Hard.

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A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

What do you call a zombie making stir-fry?

Dead man woking

When they said I would be making a profit,

that's when I started gaining interest.

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A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped o...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

What do you call a guy who won't stop making swords?

Will Smith

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

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Hey! Big party at my house! Come on over and help me celebrate making my final mortgage payment!

I still owe them like $210,000 ... but fuck it, I'm done paying.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

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Two men are making breakfast...

Two men are making breakfast. As one is buttering the toast, he says, “Did you ever notice that if you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?”

The second guy says, “No, I bet it just seems that way because it’s so unpleasant to clean up the mess when it lands butter side dow...

Why is spider-man so good at making quips??

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

Did you hear Disney is making Austin Powers into a Jedi?

It's called Obi-have

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.

There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

Two people making love is a twosome…

…three people making love is a threesome

That must be why they call me handsome.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

My hair is receding at my temples, making my hairline look like the flap of an envelope.

Goddamn mail pattern baldness...

They are making a TV series about the struggles of menstruating women over the years.

It is a period drama.

Me:. Why are you making that funny face? Is it because I farted?

Cowboy:. Yer darn tootin'!

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

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