I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

How does the reddit user get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Fucking everywhere

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.

But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

They say today is Pi Day

but for me it will always be cake day!

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m Dyslexic.

But to date I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

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What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire?

Rawmen.

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I'm freaking pissed. Someone broke into my garage and the only thing they took was my limbo stick...

How low can you go?

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you don't turn your back on family

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

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Everywhere I go men say they want a girl with personality...

Well that was a fucking lie because I have multiple and they still leave me

Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes

Then they call him ugly and poor

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They used to call me "the virgin" until last night's party

Now they call me "Drunky McShitpants"

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

I'm so over you!

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.... said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

They: "Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?"

Me: "When I what?"

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Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth

Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.

The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically”

The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized”

The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When...

In Wallmart was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.

Reluctantly I headed to the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers by my ankles was a walk of shame I can tell you.

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.


The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of h...

They say you are what you eat.

Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.

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I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to m...

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

They told me I before E except after C...

but after doing some research, there’s no science in it.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

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If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome...

then I see why they call you handsome!

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

I went to a disco the other night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped...

Then they played “Come On Eileen”... I got kicked out after that.

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19?

I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens.

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

Why do they call it possession of marijuana?

They should call it joint custody

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.


No I’m kidding they get shot

I left my job today. I couldn't continue working there after what they said to me

"what did they say?"

You're fired.

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

Whether they have it or not, the coronavirus...

Whether they have it or not, the coronavirus is causing people to make runs on toilet paper.

They said I'm overconfident.

Edit 1: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 2: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 3: Wow this blew up!

Edit 4: Thanks for the silver!

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

They fired the guy who invented the wheel...

He was cutting too many corners.

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

If you 're asking your friend if they have autism, you should treat it just like asking a pregnant woman.

Don't ask unless you're sure.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

A Hindu man, a Rabbi, and Lawyer are walking together on a journey. They realize they will be needing a place to stay so they stop at a lonely farmhouse. The lawyer knocks on the door.

A farmer opens the door and, seeing the three men in front of him, asks "How may I help you?"


The lawyer as the nominated spokesperson says, "We three humble travelers are seeking a place to sleep. We need no food, just a bed."


The farmer replies, "I only have two beds. One...

Heard they are making a movie about clocks

Its about time!

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.

The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.

“Are you in a sexual relationship?”

“Yes doc. With my boyfriend.”

“Tell m...

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

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What does a Muslim person say when they're asking someone to be their sex friend?

Will you be my haram bae?

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They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

but I can't afford to keep buying the bastard iPhones.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them... they’re imaginary too...

Spiderman, Santa Claus, and one of the talented members of Nickelback are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill. Who gets the bill?

Spiderman because there’s no such thing as Santa and there’s no such thing as a talented member of Nickelback

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

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I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?

Yeah, assault with a battery.

Apparently he just kept going on the guy.

I hear they're charging him.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

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Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

What will people use when they run out of toilet paper because of the panic buying?

Depends.

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They say that a man who keeps his hands in his pockets...

Feels cocky all day.

They call me Schizo man

because they don’t exist

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

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#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

They say you are what you eat...

But I don't remember eating a big disappointment.

They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender.

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire bragging about all the adventures they’ve had over the years.

The first cowboy says, “I’ve gotta be the toughest cowboy out there. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and killed 3 men and I single handedly wrestled that bull to the ground.”

The second cowboy says, “that’s nothing. About 2 weeks ago I found this huge rattlesnake, so I grabb...

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

which of course explains why so many photographers are broke.

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

They had a look-alike contest in China

Everybody won.

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A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot sl...

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

They say for 80% of people who get it, it’ll just feel like a common cold.

So the woman should be fine but it’ll take out most of the men

If a young dog could drink soda, what would they drink?

Pupsi

How would Metallica be called if they sold beds?

Nothing else matress

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

Do you know what they say about irrelevant people?

Not much

What do Reddit users say after they blow up a jewelry store?

WOW! This blew up, thanks for the gold!!

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

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Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?

Well the one I fucked did

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Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

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Hi there! Or as they say in Japan

HIYA!

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

If pirates we still a thing they would love reddit.

They could exchange stolen content for gold.

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Last night I took a call from an unknown caller who giggled as they asked if my fridge was running.

So I checked and geeze I was pissed. It had been and it left its muddy shoes lying by the front door.

I went to the zoo today, but all they had was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.

One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?"

The other lady looked at ...

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[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They had to use his foreskin to make new ones...

You could say he was a little cockeyed!

A man goes to visit his elderly father at a senior home and they sit down to have a mediocre meal.

A nurse stands behind the old man and after a bit he begins to lean way over to his right. The nurse jumps over there and pushes him back, straight up in his seat. He then begins to lean way over to his left and the nurse again jumps over and straightens the old man out. This happens a few more time...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.

After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s.

Subway here I come...

What did the ocean say to the other ocean when they saw each other?

Nothing. They didnt even wave. Oceans cant communicate smartass

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

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My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

What do they call the guy who graduates dead last in his medical school class?

"Doctor". They call him "Doctor".

I dig, He digs, You dig, We dig, She digs, they dig.

It's not a long post, but it's deep.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A priest, a politician, and a janitor are asked what they would do if they won a million dollars

"Why, I would invest it in some refurbishments for our great church, for the glory of God, and give the rest to charity!" says the priest.

"I would invest it in schools because our children need a good education and strong family values!" says the politician.

"If I get a million dollar...

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My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

I wanted to have a party at the library but they said no

They were fully booked

You know how they say that the human body is 60% water...

I’m not fat... I’m just hydrated AF

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union flag hanging on the wall

That’s a big red flag.

Why do they call it kinetic sand?

Because it lacks potential

Residents of the island to the south of Italy who have Coronavirus must wear clown suits until they are well.

It Sicily Law.

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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

I dont get why Christians are so bad at managing money. Aren't they supposed to model Him?

And He is known as the God who saves!

Im so sorry.

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