In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

What do they call Pringles in Spain?

Pr*español*

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?"

"Not at all", I replied.


"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11."

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

They say Jesus died for our sins.

Did he die for our cos and tans as well?

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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,0...

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

They say good dads are hard to find...

But bad dads are even harder to find

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

They say a woman’s work is never done.

Maybe that’s why they don’t get paid as much.

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

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Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they've had?

Because it's well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

Why do they call American Cheese “American Cheese”?

Because only Americans would call it cheese

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In India, they shit on the streets

In UK, they shit in the Daily Mail and Sun

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Iberia.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

When the Kardashians die, they won't be buried or cremated.

They'll be recycled.

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Grandpa takes little Johnny fishing one morning. They’re making their way across the lake in grandpas boat and Johnny asks,” hey grandpa, can I drive the boat?”

“Well let me ask you something Johnny, can your pecker touch your rear end?”, “no grandpa.” And that was that.

They reach their fishing hole and cast their lines. After a few minutes grandpa cracks open a beer. “Hey grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?”, “Is your pecker long ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide....

....Well, it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends, is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

What do millennial eskimos do Friday night with girls they like?

Net fish and chill.

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him they need to abolish time zones

"Why is that?" asks Putin.

The Prime Minister says, "These time zones are just so confusing. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she t...

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

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NSFW - I dreamt they were auctioning...... [long]

Wife: I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks.
The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
Husband: How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: Those they gave away.
Husband: I had a dream, too.... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts.
The pretty ones w...

Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...

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They told me that you couldn't hurt yourself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

Too much Sunshine is bad, they said. Look at the Sun and you go blind, stay in the Sun and you get cooked. So I decided to live for the night.

Too much Moonshine is bad too. Now I am blind and cooked.

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Brittan decided that they will started driving on the right side of the road just like the rest of the world.

To eas people into this transition they will start with busses and trucks this week and normal cars next month.

Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit

It was Polarizing

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

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A man sits next to a pretty woman on an airplane. While they’re in the air he makes conversation...

... “so where are you flying to”? He asks.

*im going to a nymphomaniacs’ convention*

“Really” he says

*yes, I’m a teacher there... I teach about sex*

“Interesting” he says

*im doing a lecture about sexual stereotypes... for instance, everybody always says that blac...

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they're pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop

Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh

Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

They broke into the policeman's house

Three guys broke into the policeman's house, but the policeman arrived home. The burglars got scared and they hid in three huge bags they had found. The policeman got suspicious. He kicked the first bag. Meow - replied the bag. Ok, that's just the cat. Then the policeman kicked the second bag. Woof...

A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.

The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”

Whoosh, and so it was.

The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”

Bang, there was a wall around E...

Are they doing an open casket funeral?

Eh, remains to be seen

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

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How do they call elevator in China?

Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

The seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...

One of them isn’t Happy!

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

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They say "Those who can't do, teach"

As a redditor, I am fully qualified to teach sex ed

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

They shouldn’t have called it zoom

Co-vid woulda been a better name

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

Did you know that Danish boats are given barcodes when they leave ports?

So when they come back, they can Scan-di-navy-in

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Why do they call seagulls seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

You know what they say about a guy with a big boat...

Big dock.

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I was thinking the other day, why don't they just put advertisements on the Hulk?

Essentially hes just a giant Banner.

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Give most people cake and they will eat it.

Give a Redditor cake and he will farm the everlasting shit out of it.

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

What song should every person hear before they die?

Happy Birthday

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

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I saw two men walking down the street together wearing the same clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They did not hesitate to arrest me after I said that

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

Apple announced that they are releasing a Covid vaccine

It will come in two doses, they'll call it the Steve Jabs

They're seems to be a lot of people getting there words mixed up

Their, I said it...

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

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Why did they send the butter to prison?

He was a hardened creaminal

They say that this house is haunted.

That's funny; I've lived here for 245 years, and I haven't noticed anything strange.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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Do you know why they don't allow prostitutes on crew teams?

Because hoes are hard to row.

What do they say when a chef dies?

Recipes

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

What did they call the Egyptian Pharoah who very rarely farted?...

...Toot-Uncommon.

Do egg jokes crack you up? Or do they make you scramble away...

omelette you think about it...

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they got no balls to scratch.

What do you call Batman and Robin after they get run over by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

What do Canadians say when they see an oak tree?

Ok (oak-eh)

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

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It pisses me off when people use the wrong there/their/they're.

Seriously is they're anything worse than that?

Now with the new lockdown, they told me I could go to the supermarket with just a mask and I'll be ok....

F-ing liars... everyone else had clothes on too!!!

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

What do bodybuilders say when they run out of protein?

No whey!

What do British policemen do when they're on the beat?

Wayne Couzens' head. (Fully deserved, of course).

Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out...

No bueno

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

When I was born my parents were so lazy they forgot to give me a name!

So they just called me

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

I heard Netflix and Yahoo are merging. They are moving their HQ to Jerusalem.

They'll be known as Net 'n' Yahoo.

When They Say Everything is Coming your Way, there’s 2 Meanings to that.

1.) Everything is going as you expected.

2.) You’re in the Wrong Lane.

Why do some people use Ball jars, even though they aren't the best brand?

Because they don't Kerr

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

Disney have announced they’re rebooting Who Framed Roger Rabbit with Ric Flair played the role of Eddie Valiant. It’s going to be called

Wooooooooo Framed Roger Rabbit

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries of mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agree with, but

I couldn't pick a side

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,

I was shocked

What did Jay Z call Beyonce before they were married ?

Feyonce.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving

That is when the fight began

What did they call Tech Support before gun powder?

Trouble stabbing.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

They say Jesus saves.

I wonder if he uses auto, manual or quick saves.

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

They say that there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was dave so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

How do they access the internet in Israel?

Net and Yahoo.

Two guys wanna go bar hopping, but they are broke.

So they try to think of a plan.

One guy thought of something: "Hey I got an idea. I have a pack of hot dogs here. Why don't I bring them to every bar we go to. We run up our tab, and when we're ready to leave, I'll put a hot dog in my pants and you pretend you're blowing me. People freak out ...

Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.

What language do they speak at the center of the Earth?

Core-ean.

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

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Has anyone ever tried something they saw in a porno and it ended up not workin out aw well as you imagined?

Turns out plumbing is a lot harder than it looks. And so is pissing into your own mouth

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