Why is dark spelled with a K instead of a C

Because you can’t C in the dark

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

The first time Chewbacca tried to fly a ship, he pulled gear lever instead of break lever.

A Wookie mistake.

Instead of saying, "Kobe!" Whenever I take a shot I say, "Kurt Cobain!".

You wanna know why? Because he never missed.

If Paw Patrol had humans instead of dogs

They'd probably look pretty weird while barking

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

I accidentally handed my wife a gluestick instead of her chapstick.

She hasn't talked to me since.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

I have this problem that when I climax, I urinate instead.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

My wife said "Why don't you write a book instead of stupid word play jokes?"

I said, "That's a novel idea."

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

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Today I took a dick pic, but instead of sending it to my girlfriend I accidentally send it to my whole address book.

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

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What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

Instead of IT people saying "friends with benefits"

they should say "plug and play"

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What kind of bee gives milk instead of honey?

Boobees

I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo.

The old 'bate and Switch.

How do you call a shark that slaps the hell out of people instead of eating them?

A manyeeter

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

I'm not brave enough to go on a real Safari, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.

Sadly even that was too Edge-y for me!

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

What kind of frog says Ribeye ribeye, instead of ribbet ribbet?

A bull frog

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

They tell us to tap elbows instead of shaking hands.

Then they tell us to sneeze into our elbows.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

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I asked a pregnant dog, "Why do you want to get a C-section instead of doing a natural birth?"

She replied, "Because bitches get stitches."

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Did you hear the one about the Angel that spread her legs instead of her wings....

Got an Organ instead of a harp😬

I read a book instead of playing VR

It was a novel experience.

Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead.

When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until th...

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Yesterday I accidentally gave my wife glue stick instead of Chapstick

She still isn’t talking to me

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits

so when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty.

Wife: I don’t get it

(True story)

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

What would you call Captain Planet if he fought ghosts instead of eco-terrorists?

Captain Planchette.

I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.

It had its ups and downs.

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What would you have called Hitler if he missed his brains and hit his eyes instead?

A not-see

What if Cinderella was a cooking slave instead of a cleaning slave..

.. and her name was Mozzerella

Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car?

Because you'll need a tee

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I started carrying a moist towelette in my wallet instead of a condom.

I run into chicken wings more often that I do sex.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

Son: dad instead of going home on bus I ran behind it and saved 2 dollars!

Dad: why didn't you run behind a cab? You would have saved 15 dollars!?

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

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One day Bill is on a walk, when he sees his new neighbor, John.

He greets him and they start getting to know each other.

"So what do you do for a living, John?"

"Well I'm a logic professor"

"What's that?"

"Instead of telling you, it would be easier if I showed you. Do you own a dog house?"

"Yes, I do"

"Well then ...

A guy had an eagle. One day it was sick. It puked everywhere and wouldn’t stop. Worried, the guy called the vet. Instead of the vet, the cops came and took it away.

Cos it was Ill-eagle.

Why do we say amen instead of awomen?

Because we sing hymns instead of hers

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

Not good at relationships

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

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Instead of Reddit we should call it...

Recycleit, because it is just the same old shit over and over and over.

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn’t stop at the stop sign?

**“It’s the same thing,” the lawyer stated, “I don’t believe there is a difference between stop and slow down.”**

**“Allow me to prove it to you,” the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.**

**After a lot of pain that ...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

My now knocked up GF just told me that she's an anti-vaxxerr

so I only have to pay for 4 years of child support instead of 18.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

Motivational speakers: Say "I will" instead of "I wish"

Me: I will my parents loved me

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

instead of 'coronials'

how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".

Just be thankful COVID-19 wasn't instead named East Asian Respiratory Syndrome.

"Dude, don't touch her. She has EARS!"

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

dumbest kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes t...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

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The toughest biker in town and his best friend ride home to find his wife and another man having sex in the middle of the floor...

The biker pauses, a look of pure fury on his face. He steps right over his wife and the man fucking her, and goes straight to the kitchen.

His friend follows, expecting the big biker to come out with a knife. Instead the biker grabs a beer and chugs it. With a scowl he turns to his friend and...

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

To who ever said I should take the bus home from the pub instead of my car,

I was too drunk to drive that as well.

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

Orse?

"Dad, I've always found my brother's name a bit odd. How did you come up with the name 'Orse'?"

"Well, you see, your Mom really loves roses, but we wanted to find a more original name, so we picked an anagram instead: Orse"

"Oh, that's very cool! Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, L...

Did you hear about the man who accidentally took laxatives instead of his antidepressants?

He felt empty inside

What do you call it when you get your package after 2 business days instead of the promised 3-5?

mail privilege

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.

So Kim runs an undergarment, loungewear and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

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