A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth?

One ring to rule the mall.

I don’t understand why people use fractions instead of decimals.

It’s pointless

I don't see why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless, but anyway you gotta draw the line somewhere or else people will think you're being irrational. But that's beside the point

Why did a company employ a person with a single arm instead of someone with both arms?

Because the guy with one arm can do everything single-handedly

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

Why is dark spelled with a K instead of a C

Because you can’t C in the dark

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

Recently, Qanon members are being called Zs instead of Qs.

They are now blowing up Social Media saying “We are Not-Zs.”

I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John

So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

What do Chinese Communists say instead of “lol”?

L-MAO.

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

My dad divorced my mom, and instead married our staircase

I guess now I have a step mom

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

Did you hear about the cop who drew his tickets instead of writing them?

They say he was a master of the fine arts.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

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Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

My wife said, “Why don’t you stop with your terrible jokes and write a book instead?”

I said, “That’s .....a novel idea.”

What would have Bigfoot been called by Native Americans if he had a big nose instead of big feet?

Schnozzsquatch

Which person at Apple named it the “iMac” instead of the “Imac”?

The venture capitalist.

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

I lost my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD instead

It cuts like a knife

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Beacuse they lactose.

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

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What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

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I think people who drink White Claw now are the same people who gave me shit for drinking a Smirnoff Ice instead of beer,

and I feel they owe me an apology.

The first time Chewbacca tried to fly a ship, he pulled gear lever instead of break lever.

A Wookie mistake.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

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My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2.

I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me now
Jason im sorry if u read this

I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.

That spoke volumes.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

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Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

If Paw Patrol had humans instead of dogs

They'd probably look pretty weird while barking

I have this problem that when I climax, I urinate instead.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

They tell us to tap elbows instead of shaking hands.

Then they tell us to sneeze into our elbows.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

A woman leaves her shower

She is wrapped up in her towel and as she walks past her husband who is going into the shower they hear a knock at the door.

"You go get that" her husband says and hops into the shower.

Sighing the woman went to the door still wrapped in her towel. She opens the door expecting the mai...

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "H...

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

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I wish I had a pocket pussy...

Instead I have to use my FUCKING hand

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

Did you hear about the sheep that climbed over the mountain instead of around it?

He took the path of fleece persistence.

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo.

The old 'bate and Switch.

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Today I took a dick pic, but instead of sending it to my girlfriend I accidentally send it to my whole address book.

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

I'm not brave enough to go on a real Safari, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.

Sadly even that was too Edge-y for me!

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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What kind of bee gives milk instead of honey?

Boobees

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

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Your momma so fat

She posts on Grubhub instead of Pornhub

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

New Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery w...

Why is Six afraid of Seven

Because Seven is emotionally distant and always chases after numbers like Eight and Nine instead of looking back and seeing that the perfect number was behind the whole entire time... Six

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

I was supposed to meet Dennis Rodman at 7 PM. He showed up at 6 PM instead, so I flipped him off.

The early Worm gets the bird.

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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A picket to Tittsburgh

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the coun...

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

A chemist walk into his shop

To find a man leaning against a wall. ‘What’s up with him he asks his assistant’. ‘He came in for a bottle of cough syrup, but we didn’t have any’ the assistant explains..’so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead!’ ‘WHAT?’ Says the chemist, Horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’ ‘Of...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

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Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her hea...

How do you call a shark that slaps the hell out of people instead of eating them?

A manyeeter

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead.

When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until th...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

Alligator Boots

One day A Ranger decided he wanted to get himself some gator boots, and being a Ranger he wasn't about to go to a store for some. Instead he goes out to the bayou to find a gator to make himself some shoes.
So he comes across a local man and asks him where he can find a gator. The man gives him ...

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

Why do we say amen instead of awomen?

Because we sing hymns instead of hers

What kind of frog says Ribeye ribeye, instead of ribbet ribbet?

A bull frog

Jack takes ball bearings to school

He gets bored during class, takes them out, and rolls them back and forth across his desk. A couple of them roll right off the desk, up the aisle between the desks, and right up to the teacher. She sees the ball bearings and realizes that someone has been playing instead of paying attention.

...

I read a book instead of playing VR

It was a novel experience.

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

Why did Robinhood steal from the rich?

He actually didn’t he instead limited what the working class could trade in stocks in order for the rich to make money. Disney lied.

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