Instead Jokes - 115 Hilarious Instead Jokes

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was screwed.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Why is dark spelled with a K instead of a C

Because you can’t C in the dark

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.

But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

Why didn't we call them Galactic Towns instead of...

>!Universities!<

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

instead of calling my son drew, I called him driew.

It's only weird if you say it backwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Instead of "Mother's Day" and "Father's Day"

It should be "Mother's Day" and "Motherfucker's Day"

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

someone scolded me for using a semi colon instead of a colon...

I just couldn't give a shift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

My wife: Instead of thinking about stupid jokes all day, why don’t you write a book instead?

Me: That’s…..a novel idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If women had breasts on their backs instead of their chests

A lot more men would take up ballroom dancing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

Boobies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Instead of an LOL I usually SHIT

Silent haha in thought

What do vegans get instead of bird flu?

Toflu

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

I just found out what it's called when you can't sleep and u just eat instead.

It's called....

Insomnomnomnomnomia

TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.

Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. Instead of blindfolding her

I just hide her glasses.

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

Why did the pilot take the elevator instead of the stairs?

Too many flights

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

My girlfriend doesn't typically like kissing, so instead I tried rubbing my nose on hers...

...And I think she Inuit

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

If "Gator Aid" had been created in Talahassee instead of Gainesville

Would we all be drinking Seminole Fluid?

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. M...

When the doctor told me that he had fitted me with a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid

It made my blood boil.

If The Lion King was a cow movie instead, what would their leader be called?

Moofasa

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Pilgrims had shot bobcat instead of turkey...

We'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving.

Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?

He was a Ramen Catholic.

I accidentally connected the drill to 220v instead of 110v.

When the fire alarm sounded, it was not a drill. Or was it?

A beekeeper gave me 13 bees instead of 12

“Don’t worry”, she said, “it’s a freebee”

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

Instead of buying twitter for $43 billion

Elon Musk could add another $8 billion and clear the external debt of Sri Lanka.
He can rename it Ceylon Musk.

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

Instead of calling it an abortion, they should call it a Digiorno.....

it's Not delivery, it's Digiorno

To raise a philosopher, instead of maintaining their belief that Santa is real,

explain to the child they are not real instead.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What if iPhones auto-corrected duck instead of f*ck?

"I went to the park and fed some fucks by the pond today."

Always wondered about using oak instead of silicon for breast implants

Be a lot firmer, wooden tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Bee collects Milk instead of Pollen?

A BooBee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree?

The circle of life!

I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless!

dating is getting so expensive, so instead of buying an uber.

My wife gave us a ride

Romania, one of the poorest country in the EU, builds a cathedral instead of a hospital.

I get it. When Dracula is a constant threat, I'd prioritise building a Cathedral rather than a hospital.

From now on instead of saying #1 or #2 for the bathroom

I'm going to call it an R. Kelly or Amber Heard

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

My friend suggested I should go jogging at 7am instead of 7pm and...

I got to admit, it's a night and day difference.

I gave my mother superglue instead of her lipstick.

She didn't even complain afterwards.

My dad always told me that if a bee is bothering you, stare at it intently instead of trying to swat it.

Because ….seeing is bee leaving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What if female pirates had boobs made of wood instead of peg legs

It'd be weird wooden tit

I’ve just found out there’s an actual clinical name for the condition where you can’t sleep and just eat instead

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

3 jokes instead of 3 layers of cake. Let's go!

What is at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where are all average things made?
The Satisfactory

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly Squats

Enjoy!

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

Instead of going to the dentist, I go to the airport

That way, I never have to pay for cavity searches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

Why do soldiers carry Zippos instead of matches?

Because they are lighter.

"Don't give me the chicken, instead teach me how to lay eggs."

Once a wise man said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

Why orphan uses "ph" instead of "f"

Because F is for family

I played an F-sharp instead of an F...

Accidentally

I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead

Turns out I can’t drive a bus very well when I’m drunk either

Why do we say amen instead of awomen?

Because we sing hymns instead of hers

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

The wait to see a doctor in the UK is getting so long, many are turning to Casualty instead.

They watch the show hoping someone turns up with the same symptoms as them.

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander

All it did was strain my voice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Taliban are banning opium and will be growing olives instead.

For the extra virgin.

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.

Funny how Americans call it an "elevator" instead of a "lift" and...

... my American crush says "Stop messaging me or I'm calling the cops" instead of "I love you".

Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe?

More doors.

So they're going to start shipping Teslas without new car smell. Instead, they're going to have

Elon Musk

Using Left hand instead gave me a completely different feeling...

..was able to finish my work faster. Try changing the settings of the mouse.

instead of 'coronials'

how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".

What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?

They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.