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Far Jokes

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

How far in to the forest can you go ?

Don’t matter which forest or how big it is dummy, its always half way. Any more than that and you’re on the way out. Duh!

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Long ago in a far away land,

A hero comes upon a village. The villagers all look very upset, so the hero asks what happened.

"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it comes down and eats one of our virgin girls" one of the villagers replies.

The hero then promises to help with their predicam...

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Snail mail is far, far safer than email

Because everybody knows that the email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

I am so far on the spectrum...

...they call me visible light.

A Bridge Too Far

An Irishman was collecting empty bottles on the beach one day when he found one with a tiny man inside it. He let the man out and for this the tiny man told him that he could have one wish. “I’m dead scared of flying” the Irishman told him “And I get terribly seasick from just looking at a boat and ...

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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A stranger enters a saloon in the Far West.

When the bartender asks who he is, the stranger says: "I'm the best gunslinger in Mexico."
The bartender challenges him.
"Oh yeah? Prove it"
The Mexican replies: "I can draw a piece of art with only 6 bullets, ese".
He takes his colt out of his holster at an incredible speed and shoots ...

What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??

Thata ginger would have two friends.

My sock collection is by far the best

It is simply unmatched

I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

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How do you make Bob Dylan cum really far?

Blow him in the wind

It's been six months since I joined the gym—so far no progress.

Tomorrow I’m going down in person to see what's really going on.

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Inuit and American tourist walks near far-north village.

Suddenly the polar bear starts chasing them. American starts crying, Inuit starts to warm up and takes running position.
American - What are you doing? Don't you know, that polar bear runs faster than any human? We can not outrun polar bear!
Inuit - I don't need to outrun the polar bear, I ne...

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

A Jedi apprentice was sitting in a local cantina as a pretty young lady came strolling in. She walks up to the bar and asks if the seat next to him was taken, to which he replied "no, it's all yours if you'd like to take a seat" they get to talking a little bit and he asks her "may i buy you a drink...

My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.

How far do electrons travel?

Coulometers!

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"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

Far from being fundamentalists suicide bombers are skeptics

They always have to C4 themselves.

"Doctor, I can't see at far distance!"

"Can you see the sun?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, how the hell far do you want to see?!"

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A tourist told me that Australia is so far away it must be the arse end of the world

I asked him if he was just passing through...

We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far...

when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?

As far as disabilities go, being mute isn't that bad...

But I can't speak for everyone.

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

What’s the most positive thing about 2022 so far?

COVID tests

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

My autobiography has sold zero copies so far

Story of my life.

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Once upon a time in a Kingdom far far away...

Over the seven seas and the seven rivers, over the seven deserts and seven forests, over the seven mountains and seven valleys. On a little hill there stood a house. From that house emerged an old witch and exclaimed:

"Why the fuck do I have to live all the way over here??!!"

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After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had!"

Apparently, "ditto" is not the right response.

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Why did noone see Zelenskyys balls so far?

Because the light cant escape the gravity well...


PS: You can really assume the mass of his balls indirectly through effect it has on surrounding world.

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Too far in...

A couple has been dating for a few months. For the most part it’s a perfect relationship. The only thing that annoys the girl is that the guy isn’t much of a risk taker. The only thing that annoys the guy is that the girl is making him wait before he takes the relationship to a physical level. In fa...

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

Woke Disney has gone too far! First it's hehim and sheher, then it's theythem...

Now they have an entire TV show called Andor!!!

Once upon a time in a bar far far away....

The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY

The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL









*The woman slapped them both for staring !*

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, fi...

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

The way this year has gone so far

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Corona virus vaccine will be available in suppository form only.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

8 CVS receipts

Just came up with this, as far as I know

A man walks into a gastroenterologist’s office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. “Sir, why don’t you come over here so we can get you checked i...

Why is it religious ships never make it far from port?

Because they are holy

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

Donald Trump is so far behind in the polls...

....it reminds me of the night he won the Presidency.

Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

A scientist is researching how far frogs can jump

He places the frog on the table and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps a full 18 feet. He write 18ft in his notes. The scientist cuts off one of the frogs legs and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps 14 feet. He scribbles 14ft in his notes. He cuts off a second leg, says "Frog, jump!" - the fro...

No matter how far you push the envelope...

It's still stationery.





Fixed it.

So after a great date last night the girl said her place was far away and hinted about her "options" for tonight...

So I was like: " You know, I actually live right around the corner... so I can easily show you which night bus you should take"

Listen, all I'm saying is the gambler's fallacy has been right every time so far.

It has to be wrong sooner or later!

scientology the far fetched religion

Scientology.

For those who think religion isn’t far fetched enough, I mean come on Alien lizards living under the sea and then moving under a volcano and transmitting to world leaders.

add two Italian brothers and you’ve got the first five levels of Super-mario



(old j...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost

7 days

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...

But there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed S...

The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite.

Then everything crashed.

What does the far-right have in common with the first 25 letters of the alphabet?

They are all not z's.

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

A long time ago in a ghetto far far away...

...Yoda was walking down the street, wearing a ton of bling. Necklaces, bracelets, gold teeth, the works. A passer-by stops him and says, "Wow, Yoda, that's a ton of bling!"

Yoda replied, "For show, mine is all."

How far did the tea guy have to go to get the tea?

A chamoMILE

Some day you’ll go far

and I really hope you stay there.

I always thought a brain transplant was far too risky.

Then I changed my mind...

How far apart were the octopi?

They had sixteen feet between the two of them.

In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole h...

Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming.

One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

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2020 has been bat shit crazy so far

Literally

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."


Dad: "I slipped in cider."

Can a ninja throw very far?

Shuriken

Spiderman 1: Homecoming, Spiderman 2: Far from Home

Spiderman 3: Homeless

A step to far

Bill Clintons and George Bush go out for lunch when the waitress comes over to take the order she's a bit flustered and has to say that she was a big fan of George when he was in his chair as president and she voted for him and she supported him the whole way she said I'll be right back to take your...

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

This social distancing is going too far.

I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs 🥚<-->🥚

So far, nobody has made a 2020 joke

Guess they didn't see this coming

In a survey conducted in a land far far away it was found that....

6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy

How far does a car go with square wheels?

Four blocks.

2019: Cancel culture has gone too far

2020: Hold my Corona

Two missionaries move far away to do the Lords work.

Two missionaries move to a far away place to do the Lords work. The natives aren't very interested in converting, and after a few weeks they are down to begging for change so that they could eat. After a couple of hard luck days of this, they finally gather enough change to buy a loaf of bread.
<...

By far, the best picture of the eclipse I have seen so far.

(

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So far I've lost 150 pounds during the epidemic!

It was my mom..
She's not dead. She's just a bitch.

How far does a dog run into the woods?

Half way in. The other half he's running out.

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

What do far-sighted gynecologists and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

My dad has taken Dad Jokes as far as they can possibly go.

Seriously, you couldn't take them any father.

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A shepherd rescues a beautiful woman from falling off a cliff in far away mountains.

With much gratitude, she says, "Wow, you saved my life so bravely and selflessly. Just ask, and I'd do anything for you."

The shepherd ask slyly, "Anything?"

"Anything, my dear", she replies seductively.

The shepherd points to a nearby sheep and goes, "Can ya' hold this bitches'...

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic…

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase… and they look very nice, if you ask me.

A man and his mother were very far behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day the man had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what ...

You know, with everything that’s happening so far in 2020…

You’d think someone would have seen it coming!

Why did the chicken go to the far away playground?

To get to the other slide.

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

I was once a Disneyland costume worker for a day because I took method acting "way too far."

I was told a little late that I needed to wear pants inside and outside the Donald Duck costume.

Do me a favor, stay far from labor.

Remember, thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

I had an idea for a new way to reach things that are slightly too far away...

...but it's a bit of a stretch.

(I genuinely thought of this myself just now, but it sounds like the type of joke that must already exist so if you've heard it before then my bad)

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What happens when a Jew goes too far?

Castration.

The iPhone 6S+ has been doing really well so far...

It seems to be a huge 6S

So what do you think about the Trump administration so far?

It's been alt right

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

My wife says I shouldn't plan so far ahead.

Though, she's not my wife yet.

I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

A rabbi is visiting the far off land of the Trids

He's teaching the primitive villagers, when all of a sudden a giant comes down from the hills and starts kicking all the natives. The giant is going nuts kicking them all, and just as he's about to get the rabbi, he stops, looks at him, passes him by and starts kicking everyone else again. The rabbi...

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