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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’

‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back.

‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly

‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
...

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

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An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?

Mohamed: 10!

Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?

Mohamed: 9!

Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See ...

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring last night.

I was dyeing inside

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

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My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

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A Bishop has heard a rumor that some of his priests had sexual tentations

He decides to test their will to follow their oath of Chastity.
He summons the 10 priests in the dining room the next morning, asks them to stand in line, takes their pants down and knots a little bell to their d*cks.

He claps his hands and a beautiful blonde woman appears out of the fro...

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

Some say I have the heart of a lion

Others say I’m banned from that zoo

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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

Sorry, I've got some bad news!

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."

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Children wake up in the morning to find a strange man in their kitchen making some scrambled eggs...

They ask him: "Are you our new baby sitter?"

The guy replies: "No, I'm your new mother fucker."

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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

Some call it foreskin.

I prefer man-hood.

Some seasons are cold

And summer hot

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.

We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?” One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said “it’s WALES you idiot!!!”

So I immediately...

I recently bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..

He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90.

Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?"

The teller replied "Fluctuations"

"Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face

When you push them down the stairs

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a...

They say some people found out what happens when you die

But no one has lived to tell the tale

Some people struggle with depression. Personally I find depression pretty easy.

It's joy that I struggle with.

There was a shipwreck off a deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The only survivors were three boys named Mike, Kyle, and Nate. After the wreck the boys decided to wander the island to see if they could find some food...

As the boys were wandering the island one of the boys stepped on a lamp and began to rub it when out of nowhere a genie popes out and grants them three wishes. They all think about it for a while until they came to the conclusion that they all get one wish. The first wish was Nate’s and he said that...

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

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Cotton Farmer: Finally, some rain

**Cotton Candy Farmer:** *[running toward his fields]* oh shit oh fuck no no no no no

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quite while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Why do geologist keep some of the rocks they collected?

Because it has sedimentary value

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he...

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

My wife told me to do some light reading at the end of a long day. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "60 watts - made in China"

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

Some people didn’t remember the plot of the short story The Lottery (By Shirley Jackson)

But when they did, it hit them like a rock.

Beethovan: Are you guys ready for some symphonies tonight?

Crowd:(cheers) Yeah!!!

Beethovan: I can't hear you!

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A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.

When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, ...

Some people had doubts that I'd be a good leader

Those people are dead now.

65% of women will be objectified at some point in their lives.

The other 35% are probably ugly.

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.


Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.


Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?


Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.


Driver: Then why do you buy
them?


Old lady: Oh, I jus...

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

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In Jesus's time, some heard and didn't believe that He was the son of God. They said no way. His rebuttal.....

Yahweh

My friend got tested positive for HIV so I donated some money.

*Financial AIDS*

An officer pulls over some guy

Officer: “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Motorist: “No, officer. Nope. No way. I’m a non-drinker now. I gave up drinking and a haven’t touched a drop since.”

Officer: “That’s great to hear, sir. Congratulations!”

Motorist: “Thank you, officer. Yep, best decision of my life.”
<...

Jehovah’s Witnesses have some strange beliefs.

Like they believe I’m gonna open the door.

Some people like fast handjobs. I prefer slow.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a...

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Ate some Fiber One brownies

That shit was amazing.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

When aliens finally beam down, but you’re in the middle of some alone time and they’re like “we come in peace”

and you’re like, must be nice.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

Humpty Dumpty was smoking some drugs

With a few gangstas and fairy tale thugs

Then all the King's men slapped them in cuffs

All because they had a few too many puffs

Doctor: I've got some good news, and some bad news...

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: Your sperm count is a little low.

Patient: And the good news?

Doctor: Tastes just fine.

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

Stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Man: How did you know my name was phones?

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online

We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park

Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

me: Can I play some music?

**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.

**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?

Some people like incest jokes. Some people don't.

Its all relative

An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

I love some of the old saying

Sharing is caring

If you love it let it go

It's the gift that keeps on giving

and feel the burn

are all great, except if you are talking about STDS

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.

"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.

"Saree", said the other guest.

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

Some guys wake up and pump iron...

I wake up and pump protein.

Told my wife that this afternoon after getting lucky this morning. I think her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

I'll probably be working out solo for a while.

I told my wife that a girl at work really wanted to have a threesome and that I should see if my wife would be ok with it? After some persuading, and reassuring her that it would strengthen out relationship she said yes, so today we finally did it, and it was amazing!

I cant wait to tell her all about it when she gets home.

A guy named Hugh noticed some monks in front of his house

The monks were selling flowers in a stall. Hugh didn't want them operating a business on his property, so he forced them to stop. One monk who was interviewed later by the media said, "Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away with it. But unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist fria...

some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The...

There is a straight running race with many people of different races and skill, However: In this race some people start ahead of others; This is a capitalist race. Another race is happening, where everyone starts at the same place, this one is a socialist race.

In a third race, everyone's legs are tied together and they are chased with a stick; this is a communist race.

(I ran out of title space to put the entire setup in)

A man bought some condoms at the store

The cashier asked if he wanted a bag for them.

The man said, “No I’ll just wear them out.”

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

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For some reason pee jokes rank higher than poop jokes. I don’t care.

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit!!

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

My mate has a bit of a stammer, and when I sent him to the shop to buy me some Maltesers

He came back with M&M's!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

I made some smartass remark to my wife

She said "Oh ha ha, you're funny!"

I asked "What, like a comedian?"

"No. Like a joke."

Ouch.

Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

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To my surprise, my girlfriend had some anal bleaching done.

All I asked was for her to change her ringtone.

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

Why do some corpses have an erection?

They die hard.

Some people say they pick their nose

I think I was just born with mine.

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

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3 blondes are walking along some tracks.

The first one says "hey these are bear tracks!"

The second says "no they are raccoon tracks."

The third says "no, they're deer tracks."

Then the train hit them.

So i bought some of that Anti-stress shampoo.

Don't know why people like it so much, I drank the whole bottle, I feel worse if anything.

Two chemists walk into a bar. the first one says, “I would like some H2O.” And the bartender gives him his drink. Then the second chemist said “I would like H2O too.”

He died shortly after...

Some cool facts about the names of groups!

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of nuns is called a gaggle.

A group of Catholic Priests is called a Cell Block.

I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

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Accidentally swallowed some tippex instead if liquid viagra.

Now I have this huge correction!

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

Some people don’t appreciate dark jokes, but I’m ok with that. Like I always say, dark humor is like food—

Not everybody gets it.

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I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

Some say Satan owns a roller coaster.

I hear its one hell of a ride.

So I was browsing /r/Jokes to find some clever humor...

(That's actually the punchline.)

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

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Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

Some people say 69 is gross...

I call it a romantic dinner for two.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

I bought some deer leg nunchucks for $20.

I said, "$20? They used to be under a buck!"

Some what not so bad joke...

Do you know why you should never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get JURASSKICKED!

Do you know why you should never fight a giraffe?

Because you'll get GIRAFFEKICKED!

Do you know why you should never fight a dog?

Because you're... probably gonna get bit...

Some network jokes

"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."

"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"

"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."

"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."

"Ok, I will hear a TCP joke."

"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"

"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."

...

I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available

He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”

I read somewhere that in every group of 10 friends, one of them would become a murderer at some point.

I pushed my buddy Dave off a cliff, as I had a feeling it would've been him.

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