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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

During my piano recital, some of the black keys stopped working.

It was a flat out disaster.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

I made some fish tacos last night...

They just swam away and ignored them.

A mom tells her son to buy some vegetables

She says to bargain, and try offer the seller half the price

Son: Sir, how much does a bag of vegetable cost?

Seller: 8

Son: I will offer you 4

Seller: What about 6

Son: 3

Seller: Alright, I will sell it for 4

Son: 2

Seller: 3

Son: 1.50<...

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Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

Some people say 9/11 was an inside job

But 7/11 is a part time job

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Apperantley some guy just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

He said he lost 2 years worth of training

WHERE DID HE TRAIN?

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

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So There I Was, Balls Deep In Some Mayonnaise...

When I thought to myself, "Man, I really wish I had made that sandwich first."

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I like how boobs are called differently for some women

Like it's called udder for your mom




^i'm ^sorry

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

A man is lost in the desert, after walking for two days he finally sees some structure on the horizon.

He realizes this might be his last hope and channels his last remaining energy to get there.

Two hours later he finally gets to what seems to be some kind of well. Barely able to stand up he walks around it to find a bucket or something, but there doesn't seem to be anything of the sort and t...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I tried to to catch some fog earlier today

I mist.

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me.

He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

Some girl got her nipples pierced at the bar yesterday

I'm not very good at darts

A Polish man walks into a storefront and orders some Polish sausage.

"Are you Polish?" Asked the clerk.

"Yes but what does that matter? If I ordered pepperoni would you ask if I was Italian?"

"No."

"If I ordered bratwurst would you ask if I was German?"

"No."

"So why did you ask if I was Polish?"

"This is the bank."

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

Some people just need a high five

In the face.

With a chair.

When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill.

Those were the Goodyears.

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Some people say there's nothing wrong with sex with a 60-year-old woman.

But I think it's entering a grey area.

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

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Some say if you can guess the punchline of a joke by the title on Reddit before clicking on it - that it's a rubbish joke...

Tits

I thought I saw Liam Neeson on the street but it turned out it was just some girl....

It was a case of Miss Taken identity.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...

I lost the case.

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

I accidentally ate some red dye today.

Doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."

The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.

"I do," says the man.

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

I came into some money recently,

I really must buy some more toilet paper.

I interviewed some people about what shampoo brand they used.

To my surprise, all 10/10 of them uses "GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM"!

I have done some really bad things for money

Like waking up early for work.

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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

All Italian recipes are equal, but some Italian recipes are more equal than others.

Animal Parm

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

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So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...

One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.

\-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?

Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:

\-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.

A few minutes later Temel walks ...

Some rioters just destroyed a Vietnamese restaurant.

Must've been anti-pho.

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

Better be making some tracks

One day a Russian, a French man, and a German went out hunting. They were travelling deep in the woods when they came upon some tracks. The Russian said to the French man, "Look, some bear tracks!" "No no no," said the French man, "those are deer tracks." "What are you stupid or something?" replie...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Hey Ernie! Want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

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I picked a fight with some guy.

He punched me in the face and I swallowed a tooth.

That sure came back to bite me in the ass.

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Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

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A joke I heard a priest tell decades ago that for some reason stayed with me

A drunk man is walking home through a graveyard at the end of an evening, and in the dark, he falls into an unfinished grave that's still being dug.

He tries and tries to climb the dirt walls and fails, so he yells and yells for help, but no one is nearby. So finally he lies down and goes to...

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

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Had a friend tell me that there's no manlier feeling than doing some carpentry after sex. I got curious...

I came, I saw, I concurred.

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A man goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk he needs to cut down some trees.

The clerk sells him a chain saw. About three hours later the man returns, covered in sweat.

He tells the clerk, "This didn't work at all. It took me two hours to cut down one medium size tree"

The clerk takes the saw and says ,"Let's see what is wrong with it", then starts up the saw...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components.”

Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing piec...

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A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

there are some people who look better in photos and others who look better irl

and then there's me

Brother-in-law: "Some guy on my work training, his wife has terminal cancer"

My brain: "sudo apt remove cancer"


(my daughter started school this week so I have been more tired than usual)

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My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

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A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.


He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.


"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass....

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

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When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

A kind man gave me some gold for free

But I am a fool, for upon closer inspection I discovered it was pyrite.

Some say the "e" in the word "subtle" is silent

But I just pronounce it subtly.

Some people make fun of me because I have a baby face.

What can I say? I was born with it.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. ...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

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I left my apartment door unlocked and some motherfucker came in and took a shit.

When I returned home, there was a big turd floating in my toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were two.

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

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Some asshole thought that he could cut lanes and drive over the limit because he had a fancy and expensive vehicle. So I slowed him down 10 miles below the limit

Fucking Ambulances, I swear

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

My wife asked me to get some baby oil.

Does anyone know how to extract it?

Some people are like slinkies

They don’t have a real purpose but pushing them down some stairs will make you smile

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I found a butt plug on the ground

Some asshole must have dropped it

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I was participating in a wrestling tournament and before my first match the hot ref came up to me and said, do you want some headgear

And I said I would love some, but how did you know my name was gear.

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

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Joseph broke some glass.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, bu...

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

Some guy stopped me in the street and asked, why I was carrying a 9ft book.....

I said, its a long story.

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

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The president took some dick enlargement pills

He's 6'3 now

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

I asked my professor if he could write me some letters to get into the grad schools I was applying to.

He sent me back this:

A B C D E F G H I

I asked my Indian neighbour if i could have some bread

He had naan

Flight attendant: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yeah. Sure. By the way, how’d you know my name was Phones?

Some people would call misappropriations of inauguration funds a felony...

but it’s actually pronounced Felania!

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

Theoretical physicists are some of the smartest people on earth...

..."in theory"

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

A women asks her husband "Can you make us some eggs?"

"Do I look to you like a chicken?"

Some races are inferior and should be eliminated

No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

My dad was a Mexican magician who said he was gonna go to the store for some milk.

He said uno, dos, then vanished without a tres.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

Why are some British people be like: "I'm Bri ish"?

Because they drank the T

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

I know some pretty bad ear jokes

But eye jokes are cornea

I have bad news and good news. My obese parrot died yesterday. However, there is some good news.

It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

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Genie says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, What will be the first one?". Omar replies, "I wish that I can have unlimited wishes."

Genie : "That is not possible, you can only have 3 wishes."

Omar thinks about it for some time.

Omar : "Alright, my first wish is that I want an umbrella."

Genie grants the wish, and asks "What do you want next?"

Omar : "Shove this umbrella up your ass."

Genie stru...

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Some people might think that penis and testes are the same.

But there is a vas deferens between them.

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

I don’t understand how some people eat so many chickpeas.

I’d falafel.

I know some jokes in sign language

I guarantee you no one has ever heard them

Some people call me impatient.

I haven't got time for those people.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Some people like roses on a piano.

I prefer tulips on my organ.

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