A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

So Bert says to Ernie, “Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?”

And Ernie says, “Sure Bert!”

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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To my surprise, my girlfriend had some anal bleaching done.

All I asked was for her to change her ringtone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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3 blondes are walking along some tracks.

The first one says "hey these are bear tracks!"

The second says "no they are raccoon tracks."

The third says "no, they're deer tracks."

Then the train hit them.

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20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

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I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

Some people say theres 2 kinds of pirates; theres the "yo ho ho" or the "yarrggh". I belong to an exclusive third group called:

"I'm not paying $120 a year for photoshop".






*Edit: fixed the price according to google*

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

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I had a friend that was born without eyelids, his doctor used the foreskin from his circumcision to make him some.

The surgery was a great success, he's just a little cock eyed.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

I've never seen an Ole and Lena Joke on this sub. So here's some Norwegian?American humor.

Ole is a farmer in Bismarck, North Dakota. One day his cow dies and he needs to buy a new one. He looks in the paper and finds a cow for sale for $500. That a pretty good price, but it's all the way in Fargo. He doesn't really want to go to Fargo to buy the cow, but he decides it's worth it if h...

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Got my girlfriend a dildo and some shoes for her birthday!

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go and fuck herself!

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A girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said, “Every time you speed up 5MPH, I’ll take some clothes off.”

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn’t open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of...

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I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

I planned a great three some last night

Two people no-showed, but the rest of us had fun.

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A woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"...

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat ...

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor…

The doctor looked him over and declared, “Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring…a BANANA.”
….
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, then doctor puts in...

A duck goes into the shop to buy some lipstick. “How do you want to pay?” asks the shop assistant..

...”just put it on my bill” replies the duck.

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A woman goes into a greengrocers to buy some broccoli.

She looks all around the store, but can't see any broccoli anywhere, so she asks the grocer.

He replies, "I'm sorry, but we're out of broccoli today. Perhaps some cauliflower would do instead?"

The lady ponders for a moment. "No, I'm afraid cauliflower won't work. Two heads of broccoli...

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

Sarah wanted to buy some trousers for her husband, William, for his birthday.

So she went into the clothes shop and saw some jeans. They were, oddly enough, made of leather.

She thought they looked very nice, and so bought them to give to her husband.

William thought they looked brilliant, thanked her, and put them on. However, he said that they caused him to it...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

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So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM!

It drowned...

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

Some call it foreskin.

I call it my manhood.

Some people say jokes need punchlines

I say

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

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I was on the bus when I overheard a couple talking about some dirtbag who was masturbating in public.

"What a scumbag..." I thought.

So I finished myself off, leaned in and asked if they had a Kleenex.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

Can’t believe some people broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go.

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

"Some, I assume, are good people"

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

I was running up some stairs that never ended the other day.

It was really good Escher-size.

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Some asshole just blew sandalwood smoke in my face.

I'm incensed

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

TIL when some beers pour, they make a distinct melody.

I would try use math to predict which, but I have never been good with lager rhythmic functions.

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I was feeling horny and needed some relief.



I asked my fat wife for sex and she said "No."



You have no idea what a relief that was.

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

The Ikea saleslady wants a relationship with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

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I asked my wife to go online and watch some porn to get some ideas for the bedroom.

Next time we made love, she laid there motionless. I asked her "what are you doing?". She replied, I saw this online, it's called "buffering".

So a man and his friend walk into a bar. The first man asks the bartender, “I’ll have some H20”. The second man then says, “I’ll have some H20 too”

The second man died

Some Say Ridley Scott, others say Johan Harstad.

Astronaut 1: So how are you liking space?


Astronaut 2: It's neat, but I can't find milk for my coffee.


Astronaut 1: In space, no one can; here, use cream.

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news

Me: well what's the bad news?

Doctor: you have a rare terminal illness

Me: what's it called?

Doctor: there's the good news. You get to pick the name!

A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.

They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just b...

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer

I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

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So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”

I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”

There's some guy handing out awards to couples that cheat.

He's medaling in other people’s affairs.

Some Kids Are Just Nuts...

In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them.

The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said:

\- You're putting the w...

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Poor Kevin Hart, he was in a car crash and now he's in trouble for smacking some guy's butt

I guess he's hit Rock Bottom

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Some pervert broke into my house today and jerked off on my wall.

It’s ok though. It was a load bearing wall.

Do you know why some vegans love to start fights with other people?

They need to get some beef in their lives somehow.

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

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My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

My wife told me length doesn’t matter, but I caught her cheating on me with some guy named Pythagorus.

I knew the moment our paths crossed my life would take a different trajectory.

Just wasn’t expecting it to end in a love triangle. I guess I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

Went to the vitamin shoppe for some energy supplements.....

And the sales rep is telling me about b vitamins, he goes :
"You got your b-12 your b-6, have you taken these vitamins previously "?
I asked:
"You mean like b-4"?

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

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An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra

An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra , telling her “I want some action tonight”

His wife tells him she wants to go to the pharmacy with him, saying “Well if you’re going to the pharmacy, I might as well go with you and get a tetanus shot”

The old ma...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

I tried to take some high resolution pictures of some local farmland the other day.

Unfortunately they all turned out really grainy.

"Hey Honey, I made some brownies as an apology for wrecking your car today." "You did what?!"

"Brownies, you deaf idiot"

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

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So I just got home after a date and the girl wanted to join me for some coffee.

I said no.

Who the fuck drinks coffee at 10PM?

Some of my friends have experienced threesome,

And some of them might have had some foursome or more,

Here I am, stuck on being handsome.

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I dipped my balls in some 1000 island dressing

because I have depression

Some day I want to own a logging company,

My work is cut out for me.

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...

Now it’s wholly water

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

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The other day, a bunch of prostitutes played tug of war with some prisoners. Somehow, the prostitutes won.

I guess the pros outweighed the cons.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

A wife talking to her neighbor: Wife: my husband went to get some pasta and got hit with a bus. neighbor: oh God! What did you do?

Wife: I made some fried eggs and Called it a day.

The only jokes I can make are LGBTQ+ jokes for some reason

I take pride in that

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

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Have some respect!

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

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"I could get some Cheez-Its..."

"Or I could get Starbursts...or beef jerky...

"Or I could get Cheez-Its *and* beef jerky...*or* beef jerky and Starbursts...OR, I could even get Cheez-Its, Starbursts, AND beef jerky..."

-"Dude! What the hell is taking so long?!"

"Just trying to decide what I want from this Venn...

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I was doing some landscaping at the Mental Institution.

A patient looked into my wheel barrow. "Whatcha gonna do with all that shit?", he asked.

"I'm puttin' it on the strawberries."

"That's funny. In here, we put whipped cream on ours."

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A doctor goes to write a prescription...

He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen, but finds a rectal thermometer instead. Annoyed, he complains, "Some asshole stole my pen!"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to b...

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I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.

He just came out of the closet.

Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying.

It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

Two older ladies from neighborhood are talking to kill some time like usual.

\- My darling, is there something wrong with you? I was wondering if you are sick?

\- Me? I've never been healthier! Why's that?

\- Well you know, I've noticed this doctor coming every morning for several days to visit you...

\- And when the colonel was visiting you was I talkin...

I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up.

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

I seem to have lost some weight.

If anyone finds it, please keep it.

I caught my friend harassing some electricity.

I told him it was an abuse of power.

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