What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

What's the most hated vegetable in the world?

Kim Jong un

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

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Most everyone wants to get more bang for their buck...

Except for prostitutes, of course. They want more buck for their bang.

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

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Most men don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

Who's the most popular guy at the Nudist Colony?

The one who can carry 2 coffee's and a dozen donuts at the same time!

Which three words contains the most letters?

The post office.

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

My wife and I had an argument as to which is the most important vowel.

I won.

I hate most stereotypes

But the LG LK72B XBOOM Audio System is my favourite

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

Thanos is the most efficient creature in the universe

He killed billions of birds with 6 stones

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Medusa must be the most beautiful woman in the world

The moment you look at her you get hard.

what is the most expensive haircut?

chemotherapy

What’s the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

Why are most solar systems bad business partners?

Most are rated one star and even the best only have three.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

Most people love Dogs

But dyslexic people worship them!

What's the most popular dating site in India?

Connect the dots.

What’s the most you‘ve spent on a nice bottle of wine?

About 15 minutes.

What building in your town has the most stories?

The public library.

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It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

What's the most important thing about telling a joke?

...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


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...


...


Timing.

What are the most popular goods in the underworld?

Under wares

I spent most of my afternoon hanging out at the swimming pool...

...and then someone told me and I tucked it back in again.

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What’s something not even the most desperate thief would steal?

My virginity.

Marilyn Monroe suggests to Albert Einstein : "If you and I were to marry, our kids will be the smartest and most beautiful in all the world."

Einstein: "What if they get my looks and your brain?"

What is the most interesting word in the English language?

Stroke it just blows your mind

Like most people my age,

I'm 21.

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

A committee was deciding to honor either Mendel, Linnaeus, or Darwin as the most important biologist of all time.

They naturally selected Darwin.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

Which genre of music do fishermen listen to most while out on their boat?

Pond-tunes, of course.

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Why did Hitler like most letters

Because they were not Z

which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

the outside

ba-dum-tisss

Which type of traveler is the most calm?

Nomads.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

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Give most people cake and they will eat it.

Give a Redditor cake and he will farm the everlasting shit out of it.

What is one of the most responsible things a person can do during the pandemic?

masking for a friend

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What’s the most important rule when making porno music?

Never use A-minor.

What kind of fish is the most affectionate?

A Cuttlefish

A muslim, a christian, and a buddhist compete to see who has the most powerful God by jumping off a 100 story building. Whoever survives the fall, wins.

The christian comes first. He jumps off the building and says: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until he falls to the ground and dies.


Next up, the buddhist. He jumps off the building and says: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Budda..." until he reaches an inch off the ground and floats away saf...

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

What is most commonly associated with a circus?

Me.

Because I am a clown.

What do most people do instinctively when a gun is pointed at them?

lol

Who were the most open-minded US presidents?

Well it was a tie between JFK and Abraham Lincoln

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

What does Bernie Sanders have most in common with his supporters?

They both don’t show up to vote when it matters

Where are you most likely to find a lumberjack dressed like a clown?

At a tree-ring circus

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

Which kind of hall is the most famous worldwide?

Jake Gyllenhaal.

Most annoying joke ever

A man dies and is sent to the first level of hell. There he sees two queues. He joins the back of one and asks what the queues are for. He is told one is for a glass of wine and the queue he joined for a leg of lamb. After a millennia he gets to the front and eats his lamb. Once finished a door open...

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My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

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Why do most printers break so easily?

Shitty HP

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

...but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

Who are the most important key workers during a lockdown?

Locksmiths

What do you call a competition to judge who can consume the most tarts in the name of God?

A Piety Contest

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walking down the street and an old white woman clutches her purse.

Bitch really thinks she stronger than me.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

Who writes the most frightening tales from the dark web?

... HTTP Lovecraft

Top 10 most aggressive dog breeds

10: You

9: can't

8: Rank

7: Dog breeds

6: Based on

5: Their aggressiveness

4: As every

3: Dog breed

2: Is different.

1: Chihuahuas

To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:

I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

How did the dad figure out the most popular country in the world?

He took a flag pole.

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

My friend always has the most ridiculous stories. Yesterday he called me and said he had his hand up a rabbit.

I said, "Get out of hare?!"

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

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What are the two most popular types of tea ?

Booty and Titty .

What’s the most common form of birth control at Hogwart’s?

*Coitus Interruptus*

One of the most negative words...

..of 2020 is 'positive'.

They say the first human to make it mars will most likely be a woman

This way when the males get there dinner will be ready

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America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

The shovel

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Which specie is the most in number in a zoo?

Homosapiens

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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Most tattoos are half assed.

I've never seen someone with a tattoo on both butt cheeks.

I won a contest for draining the most water out of a towel...

I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.

Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

Little known fact: Jesus was most probably a student.

* He still lived with his parents
* Long, uncut hair
* And if he did something for once, it was a miracle.

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

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I was told women are most attracted to men who remind them of their father

It's a lie. My crush was pissed after I slept with her mother.

Why do funeral directors hold most services before 12 pm?

Because they're mourning people.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

Who's the celebrity with the most weapons?

Ana de Armas.

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

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Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

The favourite city of most Americans is.....

Obesity.

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When The Body Was First Made, Who Was the Most Important

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office.

I can't tell you how much that means to me.

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Most people don't know that Big Ben isn't the name of the clock, but of the bell.

The clock is Tickity Ted the Time-Telling Bitch

Which nut is most expensive?

The cashew!

Any blind redditors, what's the most difficult thing about being blind?

Serious answers only.

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

What day of the month people who struggle with english need to drink the most?

The 3st

Boy, I Had it Tough!, "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had.".

Why is Easter the most popular Klingon Holiday?

Because it is a good day to dye.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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