What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “...

Which country in the world has most Parks?

Korea

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit

It is made of 97% recycled material.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

What is the most philosophical book?

The dictionary. It provides the meaning of everything.

What is the most common food eaten in an airport?

Plane Bagels

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

The brain is the most important organ in your body

\- *According to the brain*

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular lady at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.

What is the most terrifying word in Nuclear physics?

Oops!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

BROO, the most UNEXPECTED thing happened!

the spanish inquisition

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

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Give most people cake and they will eat it.

Give a Redditor cake and he will farm the everlasting shit out of it.

Greta Thunberg must love reddit

Most of the content here is recycled

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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

What’s the most popular style of car to drive in Africa?

A sudan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

Why is water polo the most dangerous sport?

Because the horses can't swim

What's the most exciting job on a construction site?

Riveting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

What are the most popular jokes during the pandemic?

Inside jokes.

You know what the least popular are?

Knock Knock jokes.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful..

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful.


The redhead goes first and says, "My husband is this forgetful, whenever he goes to get grocery he forgets groceries and only brings the recipt."


Then brunette intercepted her, "My husband is...

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

Most celebs have incoherent thoughts when elderly.

Rappers on the other hand have incoherent thots.

Most people say it’s not too bad to get a vasectomy.

I got one yesterday and it really hurt. I guess there’s a Vas Deference between people’s responses to the procedure.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

A man goes into a bar. The bar has a huge menu of odd drinks, most of which he doesn’t recognize. He sees one called ‘old reliable’, and figures that is a safe choice.

He says to the bartender, “I will have an old reliable.“

Bartender says,”one old reliable coming up.“ The man got his drink, takes sip of it. He then says, “good God, that drink is terrible.“ And the bartender says to him, “That’s right. Glass, after glass, after glass . . . .”

Do you know why Scooby Doo is the most viewed cartoon in Denmark?

Because he’s a Great Dane

Did you hear about the most recent Vietnamese automobile?

It was Nguyen improved.

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

What is the most edible part of a car?

The passenger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which occupation is the most perverted?

Electrician - they’re always looking for strippers

Most people are shocked when they find out...

how bad I am as an electrician.

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the most sensitive part of a mans body when he masterbates?

His ears.

Which large body of water is the most envious?

The Jealousy

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

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What's the most important thing when masturbating?

The ears, to hear if someone's coming.



(a joke from one of my teachers)

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

TIL that in most video games it's better to lose your health during the summer and winter seasons

Because that way you don't have to worry about Fall damage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What job has the most hard working men

Porn

I met the most amazing and beautiful North African girl tonight and we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Tik Tok is mostly just millions of users imitating each other.

They should change the name of the app to Kpy Kat.

What is the world’s most influential root vegetable?

Rupert Burdock

Reddit is the most eco-friendly website

Everything here gets reused a million times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the most beautiful things in the world is a women's heart. It is fragile yet strong. Delicate yet resilient. It's a cradle of love, emotions and compassion. It like an ocean of secrets.

And of course its covered with boobs.

Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.

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I just met the most arrogant contortionist ever!

He was so far up his own arse!

Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version...

It will be called the InterNYET.

my daughter made this gem up: what is the most popular console with the vikings?

the axe-box

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

A Jewish man goes to the Vatican

And demands to see the Pope, the cardinals and guards recognize this man from an old family from Jerusalem, and they begin to turn him away.

The Pope happens to be walking around and hears the commotion, and asks what is going on.

One of the cardinals tells him that this man and his fa...

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the stripper know she was the most popular dancer at the club?

She took a poll.

What is the most beautiful Italian flower?

The Spaghett-me-not.

Why are most American men circumcised?

Because its rude to have the hospital deliver you and not leave a tip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

Its untrue that most women want to get married.

I've asked loads and they've all said no.

Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

I think most dogs have a hard time

every time I ask one how their day is going, they always say "rough".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't most girls like anal? (NSFW)

Idk either, cause they sure love to date assholes.






(this is a joke don't take it serious based off what a female friend said to me XD)

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

My dad always told me to live in the place where I felt the most alive.

So I moved into a graveyard.

What is the most popular flavour of pizza in the hood during a drive-by?

Peppered homie

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

What’s the most popular holiday dessert in Alabama?

Pump-kin pie.

I used to have a friend with the most beautiful blonde hair

I haven't seen them in so long and I really hope they didn't dye

Why are women so hard to understand?

They say they only want to date a 6 foot guy, but most of the guys I know only have 2 feet.

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do Japanese restaurants fear the most?

A fat man.

Gravity is the most important topic of physics.

If you remove it, you only have gravy.

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

Who is the most technologically savvy politician?

MIT Romney.

Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.

I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office

I can't tell you how much that means to me

Which Egyptian Pharoah was the most judgemental?

King Tut Tut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of life’s questions can be answered with “Depends”

Specifically for whoever smeared shit inside the capitol

Who is the most famous donkey?

Donkey Hotay

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

Last night I came up with the most innovative idea and made a belt with connecting watches from my collection....

..................... It wasn't long before I realised it was a Waist of Time!!

Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol?

Geri can

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a cheese pizza the most sexy?

It’s toppless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most people get tired after sex, I get

An alarm clock

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

A child of age 7, was never allowed to leave home. Not for games, not even for studies. Most of the world was unknown to him.

One day, playing near the window, he saw an elephant in their cabbage farming eating away at their cabbages. The child went running to his Mom with fear and curiosity in his eyes

"Mom there is a huge creature on our farm! I saw it grabbing cabbages with its tail but ..
I couldn't understan...

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.

It’s true...

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis is the most loyal part of your body

And when times are hard, it stands up for you

Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ?

University

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

Humans have evolved to longer need heads, being mostly machine. However, one remained in a museum to be preserved for generations.

I guess you could say it was a head of its time.

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home.

1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt.
2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high.
3. A Barstool - this one is a but more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

What are the most pointless things in the world?

Spheres

Who is the most open minded American President till date.

John F. Kennedy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Who were the two most open minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln and JFK...

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"

The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

Scientists have opened a dimensional rift in one of New York's most popular tourist spots.

They're now calling it Times Squared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The piano playing in “Eyes Wide Shut” may be the most unnerving thing I’ve ever heard...

...and I’ve heard my parents having sex

Which country has the most oil?

Greece

Why are most ghosts vegans?

Because it is super natural

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with

She said, "yeah, before you it was mostly sevens or eights..."

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