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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

People mostly get shocked when the find out that....

I'm a bad electrician.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

Of all the people I know, my Hindu friends are the most chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

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What is the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he masturbates?

His ears

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

While most puns make me Numb, Math puns make me

NUMBER.

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The reason most girls do not like anal

its just a pain in the ass

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...

Then Who is.

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?

Candidate: Missing the bus!

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

If my great-great-grandfather were still alive, he’d be one of the most famous people in the world...

...because he’d be like 180 years old by now!

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools?

Point and shoot.

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

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The most nervous person in the world

Is Gordon Ramsey's wife before he eats her pussy

What is the most popular snack in Prague?

Czech’s Mix

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Mosses must have the most fucked up childhood.

They only grow up in shady areas.

What game does a drug addict play the most?

Need for speed.

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My wife told me a small penis isn’t as big of a problem as most people think...

I would just prefer if she didn’t have one at all.

I was voted most likely to succeed in 3 things.

Bad jokes and maths

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

My wife and I had this long argument about which vowel is the most important.

I think I won.

Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

A year ago today I asked the most beautiful woman out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

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What's the most common animal in porn?

Swallow.

Who are the world’s most eco-friendly people?

Redditors. The number of posts they recycle everyday is phenomenal.

Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

The cemetery is the most popular place in the world.

People are just dying to get in!

What's the most expensive haircut

Chemotherapy

Which is the most slipperiest country in the world?

Greece

What’s the diagnosis most psychiatric professionals give to doomsday preppers?

Stock home Syndrome

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Most people claim they support recycling,

But they sure get mad when someone reposts a joke.

Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman on earth to marry me.

All three said no.

Why does glandular fever most commonly affect teenagers?

Because it's caused by the Epstein-Barr virus.

By weight, we are mostly gluons.

None of that's matter, though.

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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Who's the most expensive prostitute on Earth?

Mackenzie Bezos.

What's the most annoying type of person?

One who answers their own questions

When are bullies the most active?

In the meantime

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A man holds a contest to see who can bring him the most ping pong

A very wealthy collector decides to hold a competition to see who can bring him the most ping pong balls at once. They have a week to do so.

Three men sign up for the challenge and are promised a big reward if they can gather more balls than their fellow competitors.

A week goes by an...

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

What is the most delicious number?

Three thousand. Or as the Romans said, MMM!

What's the most popular dating app in Alabama?

23andMe

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

What is the most indecisive animal in the world?

Whaaaaaale?

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

What species is the most optimistic?

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

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Most call forced sodomy a heinous crime.

I prefer to call it an anus crime

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

What's the most expensive hotel in the world?

An American hospital

What is the most prevalent disease in the Harry Potter Universe?

Hogwarts

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

my most prized possession is this epipen

my friend gave it to me as he was dying.


it seemed real important to him that I had it....

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

What’s the most expensive part of building a roof?

The overhead cost

What made the American Revolution the most dramatic war of all time?

It started over someone spilling the tea.

Why can't most women park a car?

Because they have been lied to all their lives about how large 20 cm is.

You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

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Who was the most sexually active man in Brutish history? (nsfw)

Guy Fawkes

What room do skeletons hate the most?

The living room.

The thing I hate most about being Bipolar?

It’s awesome!

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

What's the most important lesson a which learns in school?

Spelling

Which country holds the most electric charge?

Coulombia.

Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms

Actually it’s because they are dead

Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

Most United States President these days are quite stubborn

Good thing both JFK and Lincoln were very open minded people.

What do you call something that is often frequently taken but is not wanted most of the time?

Tests

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Which monsters are most fond of sex?

Skeletons; they're always down to bone

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

What are the most profound jokes ever?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy tak...

What kind of lingerie attracts the most donations for cam girls?

White knighties.

I realized I spend most of my office life reading and responding to messages...

It made me Slack-jawed.

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Why are most criminals virgins?

because theyre in cells

People often ask me what the most important thing in a relationship is

I always answer trust, after all if you don’t trust your girlfriend how do you know she isn’t going to tell your wife?

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

Glorious China is the greatest amd most respectful of human rights!!!!

Now that i have the attention of their self-praise seeking robot- free hong kong.

What’s the most important muscle at the gym?

The TRY-cep.

Why are vaccinated kids most likley to get autism?

because all of the anti-vax kids are dead.

Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.

And most of them are Republicans.

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I tried the worlds most expensive coffee,

It was a load of shit.

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

A teacher asked what the most flammable thing is

A Jewish kid said oh me me me while raising his hand

The teacher said good what else

China's national anthem is titled 'March of the Volunteers'

But most people are forced to sing it.

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

What is Jack from australia most hated question?

Are you hungry, Jack?

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

It is difficult to tell who gives some couples the most happiness.

The minister who marries
them or the judge who divorces them.

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes.

Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

What day of the week do potatoes hate the most?

Fry-day

What do most legos have?

Separation anxiety

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

Who's the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

I might have burned to death giving head in the world's most promiscuous bathroom...

...but at least I went down in a blaze of glory.

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

I recently met the most desperate hooker.

Infact so desperate that she's willing to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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