UPJOKE
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What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

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Three men are discussing whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Who is the most eligible guy at a nudist resort?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand. And a dozen donuts.



Who is the most eligible woman at a nudist resort?

The one who can eat the last donut.

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

I'm ashamed to share my most recent math pun..

It's | garbage |

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.

The rest are good.

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

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How most men wake up in the morning...

The brain: "Ah, fucking hell!"

The body: "Don't give up!"

The dick: "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!"

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My girlfriend is the most racist person I've ever met.

Even her clitoris has a pointy hood.

Why is Gaston the most peaceful Disney villain?

Because he won the No-Belle Prize

Who was the most frustrated ghost ever?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

Did you know the US police have the most comprehensive and well maintained database of potential racist shooters?

They call it “the payroll”.

Did you know most men have three knees

The left knee, the right knee and the weinee

What is the medication that is most hated by religious people?

The Ibuprofane

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

What Star Wars charactor likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

When is a cop most scared for his life?

When someone else's life is on the line.

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Which is the most kosher martial art?

Jew jitsu

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

Most falcons live to be 12 - 15 years old. That means falcons born in the 21st century are…

Millennial falcons.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What side of the chicken has the most feathers?

The outside!

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

Monday and Tuesday are my most productive days

After that, it’s WTF

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

The 5 things I hate most

1. Lists
2.
3. Uncompleted things
D. Inconsistent formating
E. Irony

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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People think working at a zoo is fun, but just like most jobs

You have a lot of shit to deal with.

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

Most people can jump higher than an average European house.

This is mostly due the fact that average European houses can't jump at all.

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What workplace smells the most?

The ol' factory.

What is Donald Trump's Most Hated Movie?

*Attack of the Killer Tomatoes*.

Which sausages are the most immature?

The brats.

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

There was a recall on bird food but most places are offering a refund if you return it.

It strikes me as odd that they would encourage you to give bad feed back.

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

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What time zone are most pornos shot in?

Mountin' time

What's Saudi Arabia's most popular sitcom?

How I bought your mother

My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

I have a feeling my phone is mostly charged ...

... but I am not 100%.

Most people call it grave robbing...

I prefer to call it crypto-currency

I find mute vocalists to be the most inspirational people

They truly are unsung heroes

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?

The Polar bear.

Most jokes on here are recycled.

The others are just garbage.

What's the most NSFW website on the internet?

osha.gov

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

What's the most profane bone in the human body?

The blasfemur

Aquaman will be most terrified of

Aquaman will be most terrified of Charles, prince of Wales.

-what is the most complex thing you ever made in kitchen?

-My sister

What's the most intelligent mountain?

The Cleverest

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Which country do neckbeards hate the most?

Chad.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

Why did the chicken cross the road, has been one of the most famous & long running joke and we all wonder why.

Well, because it has legs.

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I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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Why are a gingers balls the most patriotic?

They're red, white and blue

Most of us are like rockets

We don’t work until our tail is on fire

What size of pizza is the most spiritual?

A medium.

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

Which holes are the most addictive ones?

Alco holes

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What's the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

Most people will say there are two certainties in life; deaths and taxes. But I found another certainty.

Eye floaties.

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

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What is the most popular streaming service among men with a micro penis?

Peacock

What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Most people want to be bankers when they grow up

But at this rate they are gonna lose interest

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

My wife asked, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?” I chuckled and replied...

"No, I think most kids smell that way!"

My girlfriend wanted to go to the most expensive spot in the city for her birthday

She was not happy when I took her to Chevron

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.

which is the most feminine candy?

it's Hershey!

Why are most hurricanes named after women?

Answer: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

What country has the most germs?

Germany

Who is the most reliable source of weapons to fight against Russians?

Russians.

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

What’s the most positive thing about 2022 so far?

COVID tests

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

I gave my Blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He told me it was the most violent book he had ever read.

I was flirting with a woman and asked her what's one thing she's most talented at

She said "I'm a great liar!"

I thought to myself, *yikes*, not a very good thing to admit.

But at least she's honest!

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

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The dinosaur I most identify with is a Triceratops…

That’s because I’m three times more horny than everyone else.

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

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During an intercourse, what makes your wife scream the most?

When I wipe my cock on a curtain.

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Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particul...

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for d...

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

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I've been learning a lot of Russian lately, mostly names

Fuckov Jerkov, Pissov

What do most blondes get on an I.Q. test?

Drool

What is the most influential culture in the world?

Agriculture.

Which group does the LGBTQ+ fear the most?

The LGBTQ- because they will cancel each other.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

Britney Spears has the most toxic fans.

And for good reason; it's a catchy song

Winged horses are illegal in most US states.

But in Alabama, it's perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.

Where do New England gamers spend most of their playtime?

The Maine menu.

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

What’s the most common type of owl?

The teat…

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

The house I live in used to be owned by one of the worlds most famous dentists

To commemorate this there is no Plaque

Most people think incest jokes are offensive

But I find them to be family friendly myself.

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

What's the most popular band in Chernobyl?

Fall Out Boy

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Russian are seeing who can drink the most booze.

It's been two weeks and they're still going.

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