UPJOKE
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UK joke - What town uses VPNs the most?

Ipswich

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

What's a redditor's most effective birth control?

Their personality

What language is most commonly used during computer programming?

Foul Language!!!

What is the most overplayed chord in a Christian band?

Gsus

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

I'll see myself out.

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

Today I found out that King Charles is a gamer, and mostly plays Nintendo games.

He knows how to properly use the Royal Wii.

What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??

Thata ginger would have two friends.

I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

What's the most unfair thing about American politics?

We get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president of America.

Whats the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholic converter

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There's going to be a list published of the top 10 most viewed porn videos.

What is the world coming to?

do you know what are the most chatty shoes?

The converse.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

What's the most popular dating app?

Google calendar

Which Spice Girl is most popular among men?

Old Spice.

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?

Oppresso.

What profession has the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

The most victimless crime is murder

There is a victim less when your done

What's the most annoying thing about being a necrophiliac?

Your girlfriend never returns your calls.

What's the most emo country in the world?

Qatar

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now.

I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

You're offered 50000$,but if you accept it,the person you hate most in the world gets 100000$. What do you do?

.
.
.
.
Yes. Why wouldn't I want 150000$.

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

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What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I was working in a record store when a gentleman asked me if we had anything from the most popular prog-rock band from Canada.

I said I'd be with him in a moment. He said "OK. No rush.".

I replied "Sorry. I can't help you then."

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

Toilet jokes are not my most favourite kind ...

but they're a solid number two.

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

The roof is the most inspiring thing in the world

Everyone looks up to it!

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

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I walked in to a tattoo shop and the artist was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen

I told her I want your name on my dick. She said "ok. $500" I pulled my pants down and she got to work. When she was done I looked down and saw "YOUR NA" and asked "where's the rest?" She replied "there wasn't enough room for me."

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

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what's the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating?

The ears.

Why are abortion jokes the most difficult to tell?

It's all about the delivery.

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

Rugby most be the most salacious sport there is....

It is the only sport that has hookers right on the field and involved in every play.

Most Popular NSFW

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

What food results in the most expensive weddings?

Can't-elope

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

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Three men are discussing whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

What is the most haram food for Muslims?

Pregnant pig. Because it contains pork. Double haram.

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Why do owls make the most fun babysitters?

They're a hootin' nanny.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

What’s the most remarkable invention of the last century?

The whiteboard.

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Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.

“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?”

But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car.

“There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

Which musical genre did Mufasa hate the most?

Ska

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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What’s the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

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A lady walks into a car dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pl...

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.

The rest are good.

What's the difference between jesus and most redditors?

Jesus got nailed.

What is the most curious amphibian?

I'll give you a hint: They axolotl questions.

I've got a friend with ADHD and, interestingly, he seems to be sharper than most people.

I guess that he's got AD4K.

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...

...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US

But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

Why do most employees get sick on work days?

Because of their weekend immune system.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

What state has the most writers?

Pencil-vania

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a beautiful woman, more gorgeous than any he's ever seen. He walks up to her and says, "I'd really like to have sex with the most beautiful woman in the world, if you'd oblige." She responds, "Sounds like we both want the same thing."

To which she then adds, "Unfortunately for you, I got to her first."

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

what's the most commonly used phrase by artists?

Would you like fries with that.

What do brain surgeons value the most?

An open mind.

A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."

My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

France has the most flags on the moon of any nation.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

What is the most competitive criminal chicken piece?

The contender

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

What Star Wars character likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

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Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doing?'' His wif...

I met Tom Hanks and he is the most generous guys I have ever met

I asked for an autograph and he thanked me by writing Thanks on the paper.

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

Two elderly couples are having coffee

The husbands are talking, and one says "Oh, we went to this most wonderful restaurant the other night. You should try it. It's down by the river. But I just can't seem to remember it's name. Help me out...what's the name of the flower, it's usually red, it has thorns, you give it to someone you ...

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied..

"We're already open till 10 most nights. "

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

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A woman asks her friend what her most sensitive body part is during sex.

Her friend replied: My ears
Her: Oh really?
Her friend: Yes. Because I have to keep listening whether my husband gets home.

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I feel the most at peace when I sleep in the nude

The rest of the passengers on the plane felt different

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What's the name of Greece's most famous porn star?

Testicles.

Marvel just did the most risky marketing move of all time.

Announcing “Avengers: Secret Wars” to the public kind of defeats the purpose.

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

What drug do hairdressers use the most?

Hairoin

I'm ashamed to share my most recent math pun..

It's | garbage |

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

I met my new neighbor today. Turns out he's Swiss.

I told him I'd never met someone from Switzerland before, and asked what he likes most about his home country.

He shrugged. "I dunno. The flag's a big plus."

What type of plant is most satisfying to own?

A succ-you-lent

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

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