An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Most people are shocked when they find out

how bad an electrician I am.

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world......

Then Who is.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Why can't most women park a car?

Because they have been lied to all their lives about how large 20 cm is.

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

The thing I hate most about being Bipolar?

It’s awesome!

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

Which U.S city loves Indian food the most...

Baltimore

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

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Which monsters are most fond of sex?

Skeletons; they're always down to bone

People often ask me what the most important thing in a relationship is

I always answer trust, after all if you don’t trust your girlfriend how do you know she isn’t going to tell your wife?

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Why are most criminals virgins?

because theyre in cells

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

Glorious China is the greatest amd most respectful of human rights!!!!

Now that i have the attention of their self-praise seeking robot- free hong kong.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

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I tried the worlds most expensive coffee,

It was a load of shit.

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

A teacher asked what the most flammable thing is

A Jewish kid said oh me me me while raising his hand

The teacher said good what else

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

What day of the week do potatoes hate the most?

Fry-day

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

What do you call something that is often frequently taken but is not wanted most of the time?

Tests

I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes.

Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

I recently met the most desperate hooker.

Infact so desperate that she's willing to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

I might have burned to death giving head in the world's most promiscuous bathroom...

...but at least I went down in a blaze of glory.

I clothe myself exclusively in Merino from England’s most populous city.

I only wear wools of London...awooooooo

In light of Blizzard Entertainments most recent PR plunder

They're digging their hole even deeper, some say they're even digging all the way to China.

What do most legos have?

Separation anxiety

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.

There's absolutely no point to it.

When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

Flat earthers are the most self centered people

They actually think the universe revolves around them

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He spent most of his life in a quandry..

He was depressed. His spirits were down. He felt different. He couldn't figure out why. The young indian brave decides to go to the chief of his tribe for advice.

"Chief, I need answers. You name every child born to this tribe. How do you come up with the names you bestow upon us."

S...

Who's the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

Pear farmers are the most masculine.

Everyone else needs to grow a pear.

What do you call it when the most powerful person in the world has a meltdown?

A tantrump

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

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There are big penises and small penises. But the most important penis

Is our happenis

That is the most musical vegetable?

The beet.

What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?

Address

I spent most of the day in the garden with my step ladder.

Not my real ladder, my step ladder.

My friend's wellness teacher asked him in freshman year what the most common STD in the world was...

Apparently, pregnancy was the wrong answer.

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Wich greek hero do asexuals want to fuck the most?

Odysseus.

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

What’s the most lively recycling center?

The organ transplant center

What did the lonely businessman want the most?

All he wanted was company

God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh.

Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!?

God: Yes, as long as it is in reason.

Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii?

God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that.

Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to u...

The only joke most people know is...

In the mirror

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What is the most unexpected place for piercing on women's body?

Dick

What's the most feared animal in the Romanian Savannah?

Vlad the Impala

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What button do dogs like to press the most on a remote?

Pause

When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

For most countries you get your shots before you go there

In America you get them once you arrive

What're the most popular cookies in Asgard?

Thoreos.

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Most offensive sentence you ever read.

I'm a white male Christian that goes to work 9-5 Monday through Friday.

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

Mahatma Ghandi walked bare foot most of his life...

...which left his feet very rough and calloused over. He also believed in living within ones means, so he ate only what was necessary to survive. This left him very skinny and frail. People also believed Ghandi to have magical abilities, considering him to have the abilities of a seer or even commun...

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

What’s the most mathematical aspect of summer?

The tan lines

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

What Pokemon sneezes the most?

Pika-choo

What’s the most popular breakfast in Chernobyl?

Eggs Quarantine

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

What's the most profitable part of owning a lemonade stand?

Selling the antidote.

What kind of dessert is the most fattening?

wedding cake

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

Michael Jackson had the most impressive birth to death story arc or any person.

He was born a poor black boy and died a rich white woman.

The most embarrassing erection I ever got was during a prostate exam.

Of course then he realised I wasn’t a real doctor.

What's the most environmentally friendly sub on Reddit?

r/Jokes, because 95% are recycled.

I think JFK was the most open minded president.

His ideas weren't very bulletproof though.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking
a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curio...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Which celebrity gets the most speeding tickets?

Kim Kar-dash-ian

My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

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What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

Why are drug addicts the most cultural?

They're always on a trip

The most steepest wall in the world

Is still just an average wall.

Why are furries not the most popular group of people

Because they like to be the underdog

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Do you know which questions is the most asked by someone with a college degree in art or history?

Do you want fries with that?

Which blood type causes the most mistakes in hospital?

Type-O

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

What’s the most expensive item at the dollar store?

The condoms.

Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...

they have the best morels.

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Most women are bi

It’s your job to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

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Which stormtroopers did Vader hate most?

Sandtroopers. They're coarse and rough and irritating and they get everywhere.

While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

What is Owen Wilson's most favorite game?

World of Warcraft

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Leg amputees are the most courageous people on earth.

Whatever the situation, they never get cold feet.

Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?

O.J. Simpson.

Well today is my first cake day.

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

The day I was born was the most embarrassing day of my life.

A room full of strangers saw me naked and I didn’t talk for a year because of it..

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Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?



Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.

I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

What's the most expensive nut?

A baby.

In most parts of the world a woman is a mother,a daughter,a sister.

In Alabama,you can have all at once.

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after a minute of scrolling, you start muttering: Reddit, Reddit, Reddit...

What is the most shocking city in the world?

Electricity

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some...

What drug causes the most proposals?

Marry-Wanna?

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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

While scrolling through the front page of Reddit, I came across the most annoying thread ever.

It was coming out of my favourite sweater that I was wearing.

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