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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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What's the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

your ears

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

A strange man appeared at the door and offered me 100k, but 200k would be given to the person I hate most.

Terrific I said, I would love 300k.

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

What is the most common line you will read in a British museum?

"Made in Egypt."

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What is the most toxic kind of mushroom?

A shit-talk-e mushroom

What is the most useless job in the World.

The guys who fit the turn signals on BMWs

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

Most puns make me feel numb. But mathematics puns make me feel....

........number

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

What is Quentin Tarantino most known for?

Feeture Films

What's the most unrealistic part of The A-Team (2010)?

The CIA agent actually gets brought to justice

Which folks in the UK are the most fun to be around?

The Welsh, you always have a Wale of a time visiting

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.

What state in India is most famous for Covid injection dumb jokes?

Punjab, of course.

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...

...Then Who is.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What day do chickens hate most?

Fry-Day !

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

What's the most religious number?

Sikhs.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.”

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.

He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.”

An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pe...

What's the most important ingredient in a business burger?

The deal pickle!

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

What are the two most disruptive words you can say on stage at a political rally?

"Hey Siri"

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Who are the two most impunctual actors in Hollywood?

Jenny S’late and Christian S’later

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

Being kissed while sleeping is the most beautiful expression of love.

Unless you're in jail.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom.

Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”!
Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!

What is the most envious fish?

The jelly-fish

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Most people choose to raise their own kids...

but I'm proud to say my kids were adopted. And honestly I don't miss them.

Most people dont seem to like my nature joke

Everyone who listens to it leaves

Of all of Jesus Christ's miracles, the most impressive one is...

...having twelve close friends after the age of 30.

A Local United Way Office Realized That the Organization Had Never Received a Donation From the Town’s Most Successful Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give...

Q: Which dinosaur is the most polite?

A: The please-u-saur.

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

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You know what sucks the most about being a democrat in a republican household?

If you try to address the Elephants in the room, you end up making an ass of yourself

Did you know: the cows with the sweetest, most delectable milk have a unique defensive mechanism?

Horns!

What virtual private network is most popular in Skyrim?

NordVPN

Who won the "Most Disgusting Shopkeeper" competition?

The Grocer!

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

What does Davy Jones like to work out the most on his body?

His dead man's chest.

What’s the most lit place you have ever seen

inside the fridge

Which is the most desired summer body this year?

The antibody.

What is the Michelin man most afraid of?

Broken Rubber

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A Redditor told me “Yo momma’s so dumb that she doesn’t get most of the content on r/jokes.”

“Oh yeah?” I said, “well, yo momma’s so dumb that she doesn’t get *any* of the content on r/all.”

I wanted to come back with something original, but all I could muster was a shitty riposte.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get...

Gravy.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

Which actor makes the most jokes?

J. K. Simmons


Because he's always JK

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

What are the most argumentative parts of the ocean?

Quarrel reefs

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Which franchise has the most anticipated final installment for their trilogy?

Christianity, the return of Christ, coming to cinemas near you whenever god feels like it

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

What is the most Evil letter of the Alphabet?

Not Z!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the most sensitive thing on a man when he is masturbating?

His hearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a vagina joke

but most of you won't get it.

I'm going to medical school to become a doctor, I've already done the hardest part that most people can't handle.

I got vaccinated and wear a mask

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Where do most Redditors retire to?

The Virgin Islands

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

What is the most violent meat?

Proshooto

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

What is the most surprising, deranging, and panicking thing for a reddit user ?

Unprepared blue cheese.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

Joke told by my 8 years old niece: At what time do most people go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty

Most people know 'SCUBA' is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know 'TUBA' is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Who was the most frustrated ghost in the world?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.

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Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

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The most important thing in life is love...

... and I fucking love money

In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals…

What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most?

White Vans

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What’s the most curious creature?

An axolotl
Because they ax o lot ol questions

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

What’s the most expensive haircut in the USA?

Chemotherapy

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

What is the most common blood type in Taiwan?

Chinese Type-A.

If Hell is red hot, dry and mostly empty,

then how do Australians realize that they're dead?

What is the most popular song in hell?

Burn baby burn, Dantes inferno!

What’s the most used tank on the battlefield?

The fuel tank

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I went on a date the other day and told the girl “Wow you must be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”

“You just want to fuck me!” She exclaimed

I responded “Wow you’re smart too!”

Why is helium the most respected element?

People speak very highly of it

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

When a girl tells you to take her to the most expensive place, where should you take her?

an American hospital

Most people think that in Africa...

We ride lions and elephants to work.

That's ridiculous.

We dont have jobs.

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

The most reliable part of your body are the fingers.

You can always count on them.

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

Why are most archaeologists women?

Because of their inherent ability to dig up the past

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

Scientists have discovered the most important sentence to learn first in ANY language.

My friend will pay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

What's the most popular candy in Rwanda?

Tutsi Roll

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the most popular porn site in Kentucky?

Onlyfams

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

Why does God like Saturn the most?

Because he liked it and put a ring on it...

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