The 142+ Best Most Jokes

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.

EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

What is the most confusing day in Alabama?

Fathers Day.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.

The rest are good.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

What's the most persuasive argument against democracy?

"Have you ever worked in retail?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids

(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.

Pls send help

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then … you all will be sorry.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.

We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's going to be a list published of the top 10 most viewed porn videos.

What is the world coming to?

Why don't most people understand ED?

I mean, it's not that hard.

What’s the most British thing in the British museum?

The name.

My friend died doing what he loved most...

Heroin.

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

While most puns make me feel numb...

...Math puns make me feel number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a little known fact that most vacuums are gay

They're always coming out of the closet

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.

(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

Why is r/jokes the most environment-friendly sub?

Because we recycle 100%

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

What is Chipotle most known for?

- A. Steak Bowls
- B. Delicious Tacos
- C. Chips
- D. Burritos
- E. Coli

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

What's Saudi Arabia's most popular sitcom?

How I bought your mother

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

What's the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholytic converter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?

Lo-fi

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

Which angle are you most likely to ask out on a date?

Acute angle.

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

What's the most boring instrument?

A dulcimer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

Most preposterous joke ever

An Irishman walks out of a bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A reporter is travelling town to town in the hot Mexican desert trying to get information on the most infamous bandit El Diego.

Everywhere he went people were too scared to talk about him or even acknowledge his existence in anyway.

Every bar the reporter would visit he would be kicked out of for mentioning the name. Until one day an old man at the back of a particularly run down place said he would talk.

The...

Most of the staff at the cemetery quit recently

I heard they’ve had to run the place with a skeleton crew.

One thing I realized is that most women are looking for security in their lives.

Anytime I approach one of them, I hear her yell out, “Security!”

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange

Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

I think "Scarborough Fair" is Simon & Garfunkel's most haunting song

To this day, I still wonder, "*Did* Parsley save Rosemary in time?"

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so, the apostles hired the most beautiful escort in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an escort. they went to the village and hired ...

Most people don't like undercooked pancakes...

But I think they're batter.

What is the most common question that a person holding a PhD in Philosophy asks other people?

"Do you want fries with that?"

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

Hercules returned after his most recent adventure in the city of Molione...

Hercules returned after his most recent adventure in the city of Molione where he defeated the demigod brothers, Eurytos and Kteatos, who were siamese twins and had the strength of 2 demigods.

At the temple, Hercules spoke to his father Zeus and asked him why he had to slay them when the gods...

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most men like to be woken up with sex

except the ones in jail

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

What is the most selfish type of bomb?

A mine!

What is the most selfish bomb found on land?

>!A landmine!!<

What is the most selfish one for water?

>!Nestle!!<

Most people think amputees are dangerous

But they’re armless

What institution servs the most unhealthy meals?

The Mayo Clinic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub...

99% recycled content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which Amusement Park Ride was the Magnet the Most Attracted to?

The Ferrous Wheel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during an orgasm?"

I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend."

"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"

I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."

What's the most stereotypically Korean-Canadian name ever?

Oh Canada

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

What's the boxer that cleans his house the most?

Mike Dyson

My dad always told me, “Do what you hate the most the first thing in the morning and get it out of the way.”

Every year, he calls me on my birthday at 6 a.m..

What is a soldier's most active day of the year?

March forth!

[OC] What do you call an emotional most-visited french monument in the world

iFeel tower

Most vegetables live above ground. But not onions.

Onions have lairs.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.