UPJOKE
themtheirthewhoeachsuchpronountheysomeanybodyeveryanyonebutnonesomebody

Those Jokes

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

To all those suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

There are 3 types of people in the world; those who are good at math...

And those who aren't.

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

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There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection...

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

For those of you who are about to get married, here’s something to consider:

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand,….you don’t.

For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married

I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

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For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it. I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution. So here it i...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

You remember those yardsticks?

They don't make them any longer.

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

I asked a ninja “Can you show me one of those throwing stars?”

The ninja replied “Shuriken.”

I took my grandpa to one of those places where the fish eat dead skin.

It cost me $50, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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All those years of phone sex has caught up with me...

I now have hearing aids

I got one of those Humpty Dumpty toys from Aldi.

It’s brilliant.

It comes with Aldi King’s horses and Aldi King’s men.

There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such th...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making head lines.

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

Did you hear about those new librarians that needed help restocking books?

They just weren't able to figure it out, them shelves.

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

For those of you guys practicing for a staring contest, here’s some advice.

Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?

Store worker: Why do you ask?

Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

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The monks were in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts.

One young monk suggested that, since they’d been copying copies, it might be time to go back to the original and make sure that their copies were correct. The abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the cellar to examine the original. The monk was gone for a long time, and finally the abbot went to...

Did you guys hear about those two bodybuilders that got divorced?

Apparently their relationship just wasn't working out.

They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Here's one for those born before the 1980's...

The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed.

“Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?”

The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparen...

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

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I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Co-workers.

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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

It’s Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day to all those in love

and happy Monday to all those who are married.

Ford is coming out with a new truck for those who don’t give a damn about anything or anyone

It’s the new F-U50

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A man gets a job at one of those sells everything superstores

The manager tells him remember you’re on commission more people you sell to the more money you make. So the end of the day the man comes up to the manager he asks him. How did you do? The man tells him I only made one sale. He said you’ve been here for eight hours. It’s very busy. How did you only m...

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I finally tried one of those male masturbation toys...

It sucked!!!

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**Update** For those who asked, my wife is doing ok.

I overdosed on viagra and she took it kinda hard.

Diets are for those who are...

thick and tired of it.

For those who suffer from schizophrenia...

Don't worry, you are not alone.

I really hate those russian stacking dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

What to do with all those foreskins

A lifelong *mohel*, a doctor who specializes in circumcision, collects all of the foreskins he has removed over the course of his career. One day while cleaning his office, he decides to do something with them, but what?
"They are skin after all, so I'll take them to a craftsman." He decides to ...

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One day god thought “damn those Estonians don’t give a fuck about anything”

So the next day he goes down there and says “tommorow youre all gonna be hanged. Any questions?”

One estonian raises his hand and asks: “will the rope be provided or do we have to bring our own?”

There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

And those with an uncontrollable urge to finish the sentence even at the expense of the joke.

Those pants are like a cheap hotel

No ballroom

I'm really fed up of those insects that worship their Queen.

Sycophants.

I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.

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Those Who Had Sex, What Was It Like?

Oh wait, this is Reddit.

To those who don't understand cloning...

It makes two of us.

I don’t trust those trees, son.

Son: What?! Why not?

They seem kinda shady to me.

Never again giving money to those marathon charities

They took my money and ran away with it.

Police: "Why did you kill those 52 people?"

Driver: "I was going downhill and my brakes weren't working, I had to hit myself against something to stop.

There were 2 cliffs, one with 50 people in front of it and one with 2.

I decided that getting two people killed is better than killing 50 so I went towards them.

And then ...

I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.

There are two kinds of people: those who know the meaning of the word 'inflammable',

and I would like to offer my condolences to the grieving families of the second group.

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

To those who aren't getting the V or the D today, well,

Happy alentine's ay!

Those of you who believe in telekinesis ...

Raise my hand!

Today I gave out free coriander to those in need.

It was an act of cilantropy.

A frog did one of those ancestry tests.

She found out she was a little English, a little French and a tad Pole.

You know what happens to those who ignore the past?

They usually fail their history exam.

What did Master Yoda attribute to keeping his sanity during all those years of solitude?

He said whatever you can do to pass the time anything to make the day-go-ba

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Ended up at the ER on date night with one of those notorious Viagra related injuries

Everything was going great, so I popped a viagra. I got this intense erection so We got naked and went chasing each other around the house.

Well, as I was chasing her to the hot tub, I ran smack into the glass door and broke my nose.

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

You know those little numbers at the bottom of condoms?

You never noticed them? Oh, I guess you don't roll yours down that far.

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

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I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today

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My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers...

... So, I did. She's 21 and her name is Megan.

PS: Even though the joke is in first person, nobody told me to get a penis enlarger.

In all the blackouts, those unsure of the best place on Reddit for discussion and updates about the Titan right now?

Try the subreddit

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For those that don't believe in miracles

My wife has had 3 virgin births. We are truly blessed.

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

I find it creepy when my wife gives me those sad puppy dog eyes

It makes me wonder what she did the rest of the dog.

There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after...

and working from home.

A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

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Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

Those poor bankers...

no, seriously, they're poor now.

I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability

Stand up for yourself!

I finally figured what those Zs on the Russian tanks stand for.

It means "Zelensky's"

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Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

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Don’t you hate those virtue signaling people that say “I don’t see color.”?

Fuck the blind, am I right?

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

Where are those little 8oz Coke cans manufactured?

*Minisoda*

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

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"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud?

Ukraine them out.

Ever hate those people that answer their own questions?

I do.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say.

I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes...

And named the winner "Miss Information".

What are those things you blow and your wish comes true?

Oh yeah… sugar daddies…

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

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For those who don't understand why management at Netflix has collectively shit the bed.

It's a Heard mentality.

Finally found those German torque specs

It calls for everything to be Guten Tite

"Why have you got those marks on your knees?"

her friend asked.

"Oh, it's making love, doggie style."

"Well, why don't you change positions?"

"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

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A good one for those of you finishing up finals.

4 buddies are seniors in college and all 4 of them have 4.0 GPAs and are majoring in biology. Even though their last final is on Monday, they decide they wanted to go to the all girls college across town and party until Saturday night, come back Sunday, study all day, and take the exam on Monday. Wh...

Oh those Russians

Suddenly there are a lot of covid cases in Russia. Vladimir needs to Putin a lot of restrictions on the people. Else the city will start Kremlin to pieces.

How can you identify those with dirty minds?

mark the joke NSFW

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

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They say "Those who can't do, teach"

As a redditor, I am fully qualified to teach sex ed

I want to buy one of those grocery store dividers

but the cashier keeps taking it off the moving belt and putting it back on the rack.

My girlfriend and I have one of those 'up-down' relationships.

When I get it up, she's never down!

Mummy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?

Santa claws, darling.

Why don’t the lobsters in those tanks at restaurants and grocery stores ever greet us or ask us how we’re doing?

Because they’re shellfish.

Are those 6 women topless?

It looks like it, dozen tit.

A friend was complaining about Italians. “Damn those Italians and their slanted eyes!”, he said.

I replied, “I think you mean *italics*.

How’s that kid doing that swallowed all those coins?

No change yet…

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

For those of you saying the Uvalde officers disprove the "good guys with guns" defense

Remember that only applies to GOOD people.

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

Those Tennessee Boys Are Stupid

So these counterfeiters make a mistake and print a load of $15 bills.
The head man says "No problem. We'll take these bills down to Tennessee. Those hicks won't know the difference. We'll swap out the bad bills for real money."

So they head down to Tennessee and stop at a small general st...

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Hark! Are those cannons I hear?

Charlie was an aspiring stage actor who was still waiting for his "big break." He rarely got called for an acting gig and was near the point of giving up on his dream.
Finally, one day, his agent called and said "Charlie! I've got good news! I got you a gig! It's a small part, only one lin...

I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.

He said, "shuriken."

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

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You know those sex houses?

The little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang from trees?


Apparently those are for birds.

I remember sitting once in psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking "those stupid dogs"

And then the bell rang and we all had lunch

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