Though I enjoy the sport, I would never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

Run Grandpa run!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several...

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday

He was not very appreciative of it though

I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

Einstein and His Driver.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all o...

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A man gets on a plane and sits next to a uniform cop

The man has the biggest shit eating grin on his face.

Half way though the flight, the cop has had enough of the grinning man and says "what's the big deal buddy? Never seen a cop on a plane before?"

"No sir, it's not that. You're the reason my wife will finally let me do that ONE thing...

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

I just got my annual prostate exam.

My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.

The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

I know a joke about spacetime.

Though it’s not the place or time to tell.

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue.

The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.
When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

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a moth goes into a podiatrist's office

So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office...the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’...

My bike needs new brakes.

I'm addicted to riding it though. I just can't stop.

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

My friend is an archaeologist...

He was complaining about not having any money. Dunno what he's talking about, though. He is an archaeologist and he's surprised that his career lies in ruins?

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

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Did you know people who put concrete in their ass get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

So a baby seal walks into a club.

Ooops didn't read the rules. But it's a short one. Been awhile since the seal hunters got a lot of publicity though.

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

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A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases.

Though he got off on a technicality.

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The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear ...

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

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One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor complaining that she has been farting a lot recently.

“Fortunately though doctor,” she continues, “They don’t make any sound or smell at all. In fact I’ve passed wind several times since I’ve been sat here!”.

The doctor looks puzzled for a minute then writes a prescription out for the woman, asking her to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks...

The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible!

The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though.

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Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

A man took his son on a hunting trip.

One day, a man took his son on a hunting trip to Silver Mountain for his sixteenth birthday like his father took him and like his grandfather took his father. As they arrived though, they saw signs everywhere that said "Private property. No hunting."

The dad was upset since it was the end of ...

I was told I had Trust Issues,

I don’t believe it though.

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

I had to call tech support for my computer the other day.

Tech Support: “It seems as though your operating system was installed backwards.”

Me: “So?”

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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What kind of pet shop is this? (NSFW, original)

Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pe...

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I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.

He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn’t'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I be...

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

Even though the Titanic was not a marvel of engineering

the pools are. Been up and running without maintenance since the day they were opened.

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

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A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.

Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The man says, “No”. The cop says, “ You ran a stop sign back there”. The man says, “OK, but I slowed down though”. The cop then asks, “Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir?” The man gets out of his...

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Still finishing his screening paperwork, a man is called back for his doctor appointment...

The doctor walks into the room, and notices that the patient is struggling to grasp the pen as he fills out his paperwork.


Doctor: I see here that your appointment is due to hearing loss, though I can't help but notice you've got a little carpal tunnel. Have you had that looked at?
...

I got fired from the unemployment department.

They're still paying me though.

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

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My boss just asked,

"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Mo...

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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I'm a virgin by choice

Not my choice though

I rung up work this morning..

"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one though was dead Sirius.

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

Living next to the zoo

I bought a house next to the zoo. The primate house was just over the fence. The cacophony of noise that I had to put up with every day!

I couldn't really complain though, when you move next to the zoo the noise is just a gibbon.

I saw an Elsa blanket

I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face!

The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue.

There was a presumption of Guinness hints.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

One morning, an atheist was walking through a beautiful forest

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled

He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside

He thought to himself: "what a beautiful world mother nature has created"

The atheist had walked a little fu...

Why do some people use Ball jars, even though they aren't the best brand?

Because they don't Kerr

George goes to see a hooker. It’s his 50th birthday and although still single, he needs to celerate. [nsfw]

So off he goes to the ladies of pleasure and sees a rather big woman he wants to “go to town with”. In he goes, starts to go down when suddenly he feels something stuck between his teeth. He uncomfortably pauzes and tries to take out what appeared to be a piece of carrot. A bit weirded out because h...

The Inventor of the Cassette Tape Died This Week...

But his memory will never be erased.

It will get a bit fuzzy over time though.

An Irish carpenter walks into a bar

As he sits down, the bartender walks over and notices the man looks rather despondent. He orders a beer and sighs over his pint.

“What’s eatin’ at ye, good sir?” the bartender asks?

“Ye see that there table?” he said, pointing. “I built that table. But do they call me ‘Table Buildin’-...

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Cold hands

A young man picks up his girlfriend on a very cold winter day in his fathers sleigh. They go for a ride on a trail though the forest.

After they travel a few miles, the boy abruptly stops the horse and says, "my hands are so cold." 

The girl says "put them between my legs and I'll wa...

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After running a test, my doctor has informed me I have incredibly healthy sperm.

Hardly surprising though, I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though.

What a re-leaf.

Today I inappropriately touched and propositioned several female coworkers...

It's all good though. I said "No Cuomo"

The barbershop finally opened again in the Netherlands!

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

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A woman wants to buy bagels for her coworkers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we's out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave t...

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(NSFW) Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Yes Katie, I remember. I think you were about 8 years old. It probably seemed harsh, but I supported his decision even though it made you quite upset.

And, Mom, you remember that time I killed a ho...

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

I recently started a boat shop in my attic

The sails have been going though the roof.

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

So this girl asked for my phone number this morning, but I really wasn't into her, so I made one up.

Jokes on me though, now I don't know if my car passed the MOT or not.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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My son asked me to help with his homework the other day.

The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to prevent pregnancy.”

After telling him what to write | was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at my head.

It's o.k. though, as my injuries are only super fish oil.

The English Language is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I used to be an angsty teenager. Fortunately it was just a phase though.

Now I’m an angsty adult.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

Did you hear about the kidnapping?

It’s alright though, the kid woke up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

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The other day I was walking through town and I took a shortcut down an alley way. I got jumped by 5 guys, and managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank though

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I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

A man & his wife are golfing...

He takes his shot and it slices waaaay over into the neighbor’s farm & lands right in front of the barn. He’s irritated because he knows he’ll lose a stroke just to get the ball back on the fairway.

His wife gets an idea though. “Hey, I’ll tell you what; I can hold the barn door open for...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas.

She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves...

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Never look at your wife's face while having sex

I did once and she seemed so angry. I could tell the other woman was having fun though.

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!

Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.

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