I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

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My ex wife left me because I was banging prostitutes behind her back. When she found out, she told everyone I was a sex addict. She was 100% wrong, though.

I fucked all those prostitutes raw. That makes me a gambling addict.

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...

I know where to draw the line...

I had both my legs amputated even though only one had gangrene.

I had to sell the other one to pay for the surgery.

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

I'm a very big Oasis fan, specifically Wonderwall. I sing it all the time. My girlfriend hates it though, so she asked me to stop singing it.

I said maybe.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she growled angrily. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

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Work has had me on my knees lately, leaving me sore and speechless. Even though I would come home after gagging I still found it fulfilling. That's when I knew...

I wanted to turn this blowjob into a blow career.

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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

Catholics and Christians have waited generations for Jesus' return. Little did they know that though he's been here all along.

Because he's brown

Even though I've got sick every time I go to my local shawarma place, I still went back yesterday.

Now I falafel.

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

So I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today

It took a lot of self control though

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

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An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to...

Many vegetables live above ground. Not onions though.

Onions have lairs.

So you know how sometimes you can't help but eat what's in front of you even though you know its bad?

Anyway I lost my job at the gynecologists today

Went to a seafood disco last weekend. But ended up going home early though...

..pulled a mussel.

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It took me a while to get this...funny when I did though

Cats probably wonder why soda cans/bottles yell "FUCK OFF" when they are opened...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

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My whole family is struggling as we just discovered Grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Grandma though.

I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.

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marksman walks into a weapons store,

marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper *rifle. he tells the owner he wants the best one available

..the owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. that's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."
...

I tried carpentry once. I started by trying to nailing some old, reclaimed wood together. I wasn't successful so instead I just though...

Screw it.

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

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A famer was in need of shit for his fields

Shit really helped his crops grow. He put the word out and soon the three neighboring farmers arrived to help.

But this farmer was brought up right, and knew you never took something for nothing.

The first guy offered a nice truckload of shit. The farmer offered him some plank boards...

Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though

I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for about 20 seconds, though. And only once.

3 Drunk Men Entered A Taxi

Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver noticed that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again, without actually moving the car at all. Then, he said "We have reached your destination.". The first guy handed him the money, while the second guy said "Thank you.". The t...

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

Title that makes you click the post

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and...

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name ‘Paperman’.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn’t want me beating him.

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

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I think my step-mom is trying to seduce me.

I mean, she always eyes me at family dinners. Though I do sit next to my father so I can't be too sure. One day though, when my father and she fought, she slept in my bedroom, even when we have a guest room. But then again, maybe she was just looking for some company.

She also didn't like my ...

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

A joke I heard while visiting an Amish community

A farmer gets pulled over by a police man, and as the cop writes the ticket, he is swatting at flies that are swarming him. When he goes to hand the ticket to the farmer, the farmer asks “Having some trouble with ground flies ?”

The officer responds “Yes, but why do you call them ground flies...

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

I though someone was spreading malignant rumours about me...

Turns out my doctor just has messy handwriting.

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

Ok so I can’t spell Armageddin

It’s not the end of the world though is it?

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator...

...I sort of phoned in the interview though and the HR department didn’t think it was my true calling so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

Why was the door jammed even though it was wide open?

Because it was a jar.

Two tunnels

Once a tunnel was to be build through a mountain, but the state is running low on budget.


Two brothers from India accepted the challenge and agreed to work this out on the small budget. Curious about their enthusiam, the supervisor asked about any possible plan they are having.

To ...

One morning, at the research lab...

...an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking. The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.

The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been bor...

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give ...

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

Did you here the one about the chicken that crossed the road?

The road got him back though.

An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you and I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much. Have some for yourself.”

“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my te...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

A man goes to see the priest after his wife passes away

"Father ever since she died I've been wondering what Karen has been up to and where she is. I've heard that you can pray to the Lord to give you a sign or a dream?"

The priest agrees to this and says "I shall let you know as soon as I know something"

Some days pass by and the guy comes...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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A man was visiting Japan for a business trip when he decided to buy a prostitute.

That night when the prostitute showed up to his hotel, he spent all night having his way with her. Though, all night, she keeps screaming, "Yoshimoto! Yoshimoto!"

Not knowing what she's saying, he thinks that it means something good.

The next day while conducting business on the golf c...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

Reporter to Trump: What do you think about all the lying you have done?

Trump: I never lie. But when I do, I tell the most beautiful lies. The most magnificent lies. But I never lie. Really I don’t.


Some people do think I lie on the bed though. But I never lie.

I don't mind going to the dentist.

My tongue hates it, though. He always gets depressed.

:)

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

The hamster dance

I was asked to perform the hamster dance
once, even though I wasn’t aware of how to perform it.

did a deed I didn’t know, though

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Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Dominic Cummings arrive at the pearly gates.

“Confess a sin” says St. Peter “and I shall grant you access to paradise.”

Johnson goes first, fuffing and fumfering.
“I lied about many things, mostly promising £350 million for the NHS after Brexit which was bollocks. My lot looked into it though and decided it was technically okay.”...

I finally fulfilled my dream to become a half-cyborg!

It did cost me an arm and a leg, though.

I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.

I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

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I found an origami porn channel

It's paper view only though

I would tell a joke about the seaside

But I don’t want to be a beach or shellfish. I can under sand why you don’t want to hear them and I’m sad my jokes can’t surface. I cliff you not, I do have jokes and oh buoy is it annoying that I can’t tell them but I guess someone else’s joke caught your sails. I do (f)eel like my jokes have a ch...

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Fuck you I quit

Boss: I understand, but we will need your password so we can login to your pc and reset it.

Me: “Fuck you I quit”

Boss: “here just write it down on this piece of paper for me.

Me: ...scribble scribble “Fuck you i quit”... hand the piece of paper back to my boss.

Boss: ...

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

What does a house full of frat boys partying without face masks and a cage full of Chinese pangolins have in common?

They're all nocturnal. What did you think I was going to say? (Seriously, though, wear a mask.)

A man orders three drinks

A man orders three drinks, all the same, all at once, and drinks them all.

"You know we got plenty" says the bartender "No need to let them all sit"

"Oh, you see, it's a tradition" says the man "Me and my two brothers used to go out to get drinks together. We've since gone our separat...

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Charles, the CEO of a large company, notices that one of his offices is staffed almost exclusively by women

Now Charles would like you know that he's not sexist; he loves women. Absolutely adores them. Respects the hell out of them too. However he is concerned that without a man to keep them focused the office's productivity will drop.

So he goes to the manager of this particular office, Jonas, who...

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

I went out with a girl once called 'Owl'

Seriously, that was her name, Owl.

She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.

She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.

She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

4th of July

A lot of people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July. Not fire though.

Fire works on July 4th

Three men are on a boat, when suddenly they become shipwrecked on a stranded island...

Three men are on a boat, when suddenly they become shipwrecked on a stranded island. They think they’re alone until suddenly over a hundred natives come out of the forest. The men are taken back to the village and put before the chieftain on the throne.

The chieftain looks at them and says, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her!

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Nuns at the pearly gates (not my joke, but it still makes me chuckle)

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Pe...

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

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Old but still craven

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says e...

2020 has been difficult down here in Alabama.

2019 was tough too though. I lost a dad and uncle. I sure do miss him..

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

You know I heard that the Catholic Church was going to start letting priests and nuns marry one another

Though it may be hard for nuns to get out of the habit

Told my mother if I had been born in the USA I could've become an Asian president

And she says to me: "Why would you want to become the President?"

I look at her and try to appeal to her: "Wait, you could brag to all your friends that your son is the President of the United States though?"

"President terrible career ah. You have job for 4, maybe 8 years, then find n...

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

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