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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

I like telling dad jokes even though I'm not a dad.

I'm a faux pa.

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

I tried carpentry once. I started by trying to nailing some old, reclaimed wood together. I wasn't successful so instead I just though...

Screw it.

Went to a seafood disco last weekend. But ended up going home early though...

..pulled a mussel.

So you know how sometimes you can't help but eat what's in front of you even though you know its bad?

Anyway I lost my job at the gynecologists today

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It took me a while to get this...funny when I did though

Cats probably wonder why soda cans/bottles yell "FUCK OFF" when they are opened...

Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though

I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

I though someone was spreading malignant rumours about me...

Turns out my doctor just has messy handwriting.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

Why was the door jammed even though it was wide open?

Because it was a jar.

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.

I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

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My friend said he likes smoking marijuana, though he might give it up because of its laxative effect.

I told him he either needs to shit or get off the pot.

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes"

... haven't gotten a gig yet though.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

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If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.

It's spine

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

My cross eyed wife and I are getting a divorce..

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

What’s even worse though, is that found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

I got an award for pickpocketing

I didn't win it though

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one...

You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though...

...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you wou...

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.

When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the clo...

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I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

Things got pretty psycotic during my divorce. Worked out fairly amicable in the end though and me and my ex decided to share 50/50 custody of the kids..

I got the top halves.

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"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there



He asks the lady,



'Do you have a vagina?'



She slams the door in disgust.



The next morning she hears a knock at ...

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My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

My friend told me to stop singing I’m a believer because she thought it was annoying and I laughed because I though she was kidding

But then I saw her face

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

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Challenge Jar

A man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender to order his drink and can’t help but notice a huge glass jar packed to the brim with $100 bills.

So the man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?”

The bartender replies, “That’s our challenge jar. You put $100 in and i...

I don’t think wind turbines like classical music.

I hear they’re big metal fans, though.

‪In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo..

‪All the other paintball players started freaking out though..‬

"Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me."

"What do you mean by that?"

The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"

The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.

The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

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Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house

....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbour's gardens...

I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

My wife though I was stupid for saying that I could drive a car made from macaroni...

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

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Wait for it

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the mus...

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

Obese people need to stand up against fat shaming

For some reason though, they don't

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

Gonna start a condom company, buy I'm still working on the name.

I think I'm gonna go with Don't Kid Yourself. That's also what the magnum size is called though.

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

My friend has a type of color-blindness that makes him unable to see the color of dried blood, though he can picture it in his head.

That makes sanguine a pigment of his imagination.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

Got some x-rays after an accident the other day...

I asked the doctor: "Is everything all green?"
To which he replied: "Yes, the stoplight wasn't though."

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

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3 boys are lost in a forest and find a cabin

They knock on the cabin’s door and an old man answers. The kids ask the old man if they can stay there for the night and the old man says “Why of course you can. There’s one rule though. Do not open this closet” the old man points to a door. “If you do there will be consequences!”

The kids, ...

I’m retiring and living of my savings early.

Not sure what to do on the second day though

Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

I would tell you a joke about Nebraska

But it's too corny.

If you like dry humor though, I have a good one about Arizona!

We’re going to die

Pilot: *over intercom* We’re all going to die

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows their day though

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: probably will be today when we hit this mountain

Two Polish pilots are bringing the plane in for a landing...

...The plane hits the runway. They don’t have enough room to stop and they smash into the terminal.

One pilot turns to the other and says, “Man, that was a short runway.”

The other pilot says, “Yeah, but it sure was wide though!”

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

A man walks into a Brothel

A man walks into a brothel and asks the receptionist to sort him out a woman, she tells him where to go and what to pay and he goes ahead with it.

Half an hour later he comes out fustrated.

"How was your experience?" The receptionist asked

"It was okay but shes a little fridgit,...

Even though Steve Irwin died

He died with animals in his heart

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

Obviously, they don't know that yet though

Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

Ok my 4 year old came up with this one, not sure he really understands how clever it is though... Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?

He wanted to eat some chicken.

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

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NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

I go for a run 3 days a week!

I do wish the ice cream truck went down my street more often though.

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Back in the day, a Minnesotian farmer visits the doctor...

He says: "Doc, I've got this problem and it's a little bit embarrasing and annoying."
"Oh", the doctor says. "Tell me what your issue is."

"Well", says the famer. " You see, I work in the fields and in the woods all day and when I get home in the evenings and can relax, I am just too tir...

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I found my dad’s old hidden porn collection when we were cleaning out his attic.

Really vintage stuff. I’m glad I found it though, I had forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

People wonder how my wife and I can still love our daughter even though she's a stripper

But she twerks for us

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

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Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pil...

No Corona

Mike had just met Susie.

They went for a dinner and a movie, ending up in his pad.

She had just returned from China. She was jet lagged from the flight, with a mild cough.
The night was fun though.

He met her friend Mary the next weekend.

Mary: Hear about Susie?
...

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

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